The death of the closest person (after parents) always strikes unexpectedly. Even if the husband suffered for a long time from a debilitating illness, the wife believes until the last minute that everything will work out. She simply cannot, does not want, does not allow herself to think about death.
With the passing of a loved one, a difficult period begins in a woman’s life when she realizes that there is no longer a faithful, reliable, kind, caring man next to her. What to do? The advice of a psychologist will help you understand how to survive the death of your husband. An experienced, knowledgeable psychoanalyst will tell you what not to do, who you need to communicate with more, what things and activities to pay attention to.
Help from family and friends
Some women, plunging into grief, at first refuse to meet and talk with friends and relatives. But loved ones should unobtrusively resist this decision.
How you can help your friend, mother, sister:
- call a doctor or convince the widow to see a psychologist;
- provide assistance with funerals;
- provide food, take care of the house, animals, children.
Sometimes loved ones help a woman get out of deep depression: they distract her with stories about her life, listen carefully and patiently, offer a shoulder, and allow her to cry.
What signs indicate that specialist help is required?
You cannot do without the help of a psychologist when a woman feels that her own strength is running out. An inconsolable state that lasts several months can be an alarming sign of the onset of depression. Depression requires mandatory treatment under the supervision of an experienced doctor.
You should definitely seek help if you begin to have nightmares at night or your sleep becomes restless and does not bring strength. If support from loved ones is not enough, this is also a good reason to consult a doctor.
Advice from a psychologist: how to get out of depression and get back to life
Expert opinionTatiana LavrovaRehabilitation service specialist, psychologist
To find the strength to live on, you need to see a clear goal in front of you. A man without a goal is a ship without a helm, so a widow especially needs a goal. Aspirations in life will help you come to terms with your loss and regain your energy and joy. With its help, a frozen life will begin to move again, new acquaintances will appear, and the pain will dull. The following can help in finding a goal: Learning a new skill, expanding your range of interests; Traveling; Participating in charity events; Watching motivational films; Playing sports, taking care of your appearance;
They buried and remembered. What's next. List of important things to do after the funeral
There are a lot of things that need to be taken care of immediately after the funeral. Being active will help you take your mind off the experience.
Reimbursement of funeral expenses
Reimbursement of expenses is a legal human right. To receive government compensation, you must keep all receipts. A certain amount can be reimbursed by the former employer of the deceased or government agencies within six months.
Register an inheritance
Relatives have 6 months to register the inheritance. The wife of the deceased inherits the property first.
Register ownership
The ownership of the deceased's property must be certified by a notary. A woman experiencing loss must enter her name into the FSW database.
Renting out real estate
If living in the apartment of the deceased is unbearable due to memories, the best solution would be to rent out the property on a monthly basis.
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband. How to deal with loneliness
The widow's friend will need all the sensitivity, care, and tenderness she has. During such a period, it is extremely important to be nearby and show your participation with all your might.
What not to say to a friend
Avoid talking about finding a new partner or future marriage - the widow will take what is said as an insult.
There is no need to give examples of similar tragedies. Someone else's pain cannot drown out personal pain.
Don’t copy the widow’s behavior; don’t cry with her or complain about fate. At this moment, you need perseverance and fortitude.
What do we have to do
You should unobtrusively remind that there is a lot of good left in the widow’s life, and try to get the woman to think about a bright future.
You can try taking the widow out to crowded places and offering to learn a new hobby together.
Try to talk about abstract topics. Carefully monitor the woman’s condition, insist on visiting a psychotherapist if her condition sharply worsens.
Can examples from such films help or will they only frustrate a person even more?
– It is important to consider the timeliness of such a conversation. If little time has passed and the person is in an acute crisis period, this can be angry due to inappropriateness or appear as a devaluation of the loss for the mourner. And at other times it can inspire and motivate a person to try something new.
Since this age itself presupposes the activation of creative activity, this is quite realistic. But, as I already said, everything has its time, and each person has his own approach.
Tips for others
It will be quite difficult for those who are close to the widow. They, too, were no strangers to the one who died, but they were obliged to hold firm so as not to provoke hysteria or miss the alarming signs of the onset of deep depression. Having heard from a woman the phrase “how to live after the death of your beloved husband, help,” you cannot sit down next to her and cry for days on end. Tears release tension; they are necessary, but at a certain stage. Having paid tribute to grief, you need to help the widow find new meaning by being unobtrusively nearby.
Watch the reaction
A woman who has lost her loved one falls into apathy after intense experiences. This is a normal reaction to cope with grief. She should not turn into complete indifference to herself, appearance, home environment or the health of loved ones, especially if there are small children. At a certain point, she experiences loss of appetite, deterioration in well-being, and atypical reactions. It is necessary to exclude external pressure on the widow and behave calmly, gently stopping a hysterical attack or outbursts of aggression. Most likely, she may need advice from a psychologist on how to live after the death of her husband.
Ask a question
Stay close
During intense grief, some people have a weakened sense of self-preservation. The presence of another person is required to keep you from rash actions, strengthen your connection with reality and convince you of the value of life. It is important not to be intrusive, to show understanding and tact. If help is needed, it must be provided. When nothing is asked for, you cannot impose your presence. You can show your concern:
- serving a glass of sedative;
- hugging;
- accepting manifestations of grief, sympathizing, but not falling into exaltation;
- helping with organizational issues where the widow cannot cope on her own.
A person who has suffered a loss needs to cling to the daily cycle of affairs. You don't need to do everything for him.
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband
A true friend will always lend a shoulder and be there for you. The friend’s task is to let the widow speak out, cry, experience the acuteness of grief, and then help her see the colors of life again. It is important not to leave a person in a cocoon of loss; moral isolation is unacceptable. Gradually, your friend needs to be drawn out for walks, visiting exhibitions, and involved in joint activities and conversations.
Not worth it:
- constantly remind you of what happened;
- offer new acquaintances with men in the first year after the loss of a spouse;
- replace sorrow with feigned joy;
- talk about the tragedies of friends, drawing parallels with her husband.
Mom can’t get over her husband’s death: how to help
A long, happy marriage, raising children together, and shared joys and sorrows bring people so close that with the death of a spouse, many of the threads that give a woman incentive are severed. The children’s task is not just to support their mother, but to try to show her necessity in their lives. Turn to the fact that now she is their only hope, and cannot live without her. A person broken by grief will need any straw that allows him to find his lost balance and meaning of existence.
You need to be especially sensitive to your emotional mood, where feigned cheerfulness may hide severe depression or an exacerbation of chronic diseases. During this period you need:
- show interest in any of her endeavors;
- do not leave alone for a long time;
- show its necessity for all family members;
- hold joint gatherings over a cup of tea more often or organize trips to the dacha;
- introduce the possibility of attending a health group or hobby club.
The main thing is not to impose or impose, but to always be there when support is needed.
The path to a new life
A huge psychological blow and the apathy that follows most often have to be endured by those who have gone through a long life journey with a person. The second option is sudden death, when nothing foreshadowed the tragedy. It is in this case that I recommend not to hesitate, allowing the widow to close herself off from the outside world in her grief, but to gradually and unobtrusively lead her to the idea that outside help is needed.
Stages of realizing the death of a beloved spouse
The human psyche keeps many secrets, one of them is the sharp and categorical denial of the misfortune that happened. Even an inveterate cynic cherishes the thought in his soul that grief did not overtake him and everything will return to its place. Unfortunately, it is not. You need to go a long way, consisting of several steps, in order to find strength, gain goals and interests, and understand how to come to your senses after the death of your husband. It takes time for grief to recede, turning from a heavy, suffocating burden into light sadness. During this period, one emotion replaces another and you need to experience them all without suppressing your reaction to the tragic news. Usually there are 5 stages.
- The first feeling after a tragedy is pain. It stuns, breaks the inner core, covers the head, leaving devastation and misunderstanding. Awareness does not come immediately.
- Denial is necessarily present to a greater or lesser extent. If you have to deal with current affairs related to obtaining certificates, paperwork and organizing funerals, then this stage proceeds more calmly, gradually penetrating into consciousness. It is much more difficult if the news came from afar and exists only in the form of a telephone call, an email or a piece of paper brought by the postman. Consciousness clings to the last to the saving option, in which tragedy can be an absurd mistake. In this case, the person receives a double whammy when he realizes that the information is true.
- A surge of aggression is also inevitable. Most often it is directed outward, to those who were spared by the tragedy. In response to an attempt at consolation, you can receive a whole stream of groundless accusations. You need to understand that these are the consequences of shock and the psyche is thus looking for shaky, but support. Anger that goes inward and transforms into self-flagellation becomes especially dangerous for a woman at any age. There is an endless search of options for what happened, where one’s own actions become especially poignant.
- A depressive state naturally gives way to subsiding anger at the whole world. Now the understanding of irreversibility is becoming commonplace, and former ideas and hopes are being abandoned. At this stage, the support of others is very important. If the first stages were characterized by an active reaction to what was happening, even in the form of screaming and crying, then during depression there can be a quiet fading of not only interest, but also life itself. This is observed in older people when the husband has died, and the wife does not even want to think about how to survive his death at 60 years old, trying to leave behind him. In this case, I advise loved ones to try to replace the emphasis and show that it is simply necessary for children and grandchildren.
- Acceptance becomes the final stage. Now comes the full realization that it is impossible to turn back time and you will have to build your life on your own, without finding the usual support nearby. For this, one will need several months, another – years. Most often, the stage takes about 1-1.5 years. This is where unobtrusive help and the presence of friends and family are needed.
Awareness is a way to cope with the death of your husband
To survive death, you need to accept its fact. She exists. It will touch everyone. And you, sooner or later. Everyone you love and don’t love, whom you know or see, will face death for the first time. At the right time, everyone alive will die.
It `s naturally. Life is given in order to enjoy it. Since you had to survive the death of your beloved husband, you have become wiser. Now you know the value of every minute of life.
Take an interest in the more progressive worldview of Asian religions - there is more and more scientific evidence that you and I live more than once. And your beloved husband will not become a handful of ashes after death. He will be reborn, he will return. You haven't lost him forever. There will be a next life in which those who love each other will meet again.
Until your time comes, try to live to the fullest. Gain experience, find out your capabilities. You can start a new relationship. And it won't be treason. Treason would be to turn your life into a nightmare and die quietly. Your loved one allows you to be happy without him. He just wants you to remember him.
Feeling of prospects being destroyed
This feeling appears when the person who was irretrievably lost had goals and plans that could not be achieved. In this case, the best solution is to develop new perspectives. Your actions should proceed from a surplus approach - make the most of the existing unpleasant situation for personal growth and improve your life.
Of course, working out the prospects will take more than one day. But this needs to be done. And the more time you devote to this, the faster this cause will be eliminated.
You can work out the prospects like this:
- Create a file in Evernote or any other application that supports automatic synchronization and write down ideas on how you can improve your life after this situation. Of course, you can work purely with a computer, but online notepads are better because you can immediately write down an idea if you have your phone at hand. This must be done throughout the transition period.
- Start implementing the ideas that come to mind. It is clear that in depression the most difficult thing is to start doing something; volitional potential is reduced almost to zero (especially in deep depression). But if you regularly take small, feasible steps, over time you will get carried away and even enjoy transforming your life.
One business coach essentially did just that. After the death of his wife, he began to work more actively, which contributed to the growth of his professionalism, the number of clients, and earnings. But the main thing here is not to go to the other extreme - try to go to work so as not to think about the loss. In this case, we are essentially replacing one dependency with another. Our task is to become self-sufficient people. You can use work to take your mind off your grief, but only if it helps you become stronger and actually overcome depression, not drown it out.
How can I help you?
“It rarely happens like it happened with my husband. Such feelings, such emotions, such relationships. We didn’t always have everything eye to eye, hand to hand. It was all there: emotions, sex, and Mexican passions. There was great love. I really miss him, to be honest. I miss conversations and his body, despite the fact that I am already 85 years old. At first, when tears welled up in my eyes, I went up to the mirror and said: “Maya Khaimovna, why are you being so sniffy? Who will like your sour face? I talked to myself very harshly. Sometimes even swearing,” recalls Maya Khaimovna.
Vasily Perov. Old man
According to Olesya Kavalerchik, unreacted emotions can lead to severe depression. It is important to explain to grandparents, mom or dad that it is natural to feel sad, lose heart, fall into apathy, feel lonely and angry at doctors, at God, at life and at yourself. You can do it like this:
- ask: “Do you want to talk about grandma/grandpa/dad/mom?” For an elderly person, this is a signal: you are not alone, they see you and are ready to listen;
- suggest writing a letter to your husband or wife or starting a diary. This is an opportunity to ask your partner for forgiveness for past grievances and get rid of “survivor guilt” - thoughts that something could have been done to save him;
- ask two questions: “What do you miss most?” and “What, on the contrary, don’t you miss?” The answer to the second question is a way to admit to yourself your anger at your partner, for which you are often ashamed, because about the dead “it’s either good or nothing”;
- touch more often. Physical loneliness exhausts a person who, over 50-60 years of marriage, has become accustomed to constant tactile contact, as well as social loneliness;
- ask: “When you feel particularly bad, do you think about hurting yourself?” Kavalerchik urges not to be afraid of such questions - they help relieve tension, rationalize thoughts of suicide or self-harm, and sometimes prevent depression.
There are several ways to differentiate grief from depression. An elderly widower can become irritable, demanding, fearful, helpless, and ask for help for every little thing - this is how, according to Sergei Filippov, the worn-out nervous system adapts to the new reality. And constant aggression, refusal of food and medicine, a strong decrease in self-esteem (“I’m worthless,” “I can’t do anything without him/her”) is a reason to call a psychiatrist. “Depression can lead to suicide,” says Olesya Kavalerchik. “It happens when a person has experienced several losses in a row, his feelings were suppressed or he did not have the support of loved ones.”
Listening, withstanding tears, being close, enduring bouts of irritation, while at the same time trying to cope with the death of your relative, is difficult. There are several methods to support yourself and prevent fatigue and irritation from developing into a full-fledged breakdown, scandal or the state of “I can’t listen to/endure this anymore.”
Stages of Accepting Grief
To accept what happened, a person must go through several stages.
Shock
Most often, a person is shocked when his mother dies. This happens not only to children, whose parents are most often still young and die unexpectedly. Even adults, having learned about the sad event, are in a state of shock: most people do not think that their parents’ lives will one day end. Even if the mother has been suffering from an incurable disease for a long time and the approximate time of her death is indicated by doctors, people often hope that life will last a little longer.
A defensive reaction of the psyche is observed. Often, the children of a deceased woman cry, scream, and experience severe nervous excitement. It is also possible that inhibition reactions predominate: a person withdraws, becomes emotionally cold, may fall into a stupor, and think more slowly. This condition is necessary to alleviate pain.
Negation
Then the denial stage begins. A person refuses to perceive the reality of his mother’s death, because the consciousness does not want to put up with the thought of loss. Often a person left without a parent convinces himself that what is happening is just a bad dream. He may express his feelings and emotions in words or try to convince himself mentally. Sometimes the condition becomes so severe that others have doubts about the mental health of the person who has lost his mother.
Anger and resentment
Then comes anger, a feeling of resentment. If a woman was sick or was the victim of an accident, her son or daughter may blame the doctors who failed to cure the pathology as the culprits of the incident. Sometimes there is a desire to take revenge, to hurt these people. If the cause is old age, negative emotions may have no object. Questions about why this happened, why this happened, are not one-time questions: they can persist for a long period of time. Occasionally, children become angry with the deceased herself for her death.
Irritation may intensify if the loss is accompanied by financial difficulties: the need to pay debts and loans.
Such a reaction occurs because a person feels helpless: he cannot resist death or avoid it. Anger is a reaction to fear, the realization that every person will one day die.
Guilt
When the anger passes, a feeling of guilt arises. A person may consider himself guilty because he upset his mother in some way during his lifetime, committed some actions that she did not approve of, paid little attention, rarely came to visit or called, talked about love, or helped. People often claim that they would change a lot in their behavior if they had the opportunity to live part of their life when their mother was still alive again. Possible scenarios will be constantly repeated in the imagination, sometimes such thoughts become obsessive.
They stop looking for the culprit: now attention is directed to oneself, self-digging is characteristic. This is explained by the desire to control what is happening, an overestimation of the ability to influence surrounding events
Depression
The suffering becomes the most intense. Often the pain is not only emotional, but also physical, and somatic symptoms are added. A person may cry often, react painfully to any mention of loss, and often cannot control emotions. The option when feelings are lived in silence is considered more severe: often those around them do not even realize that their relative, friend or colleague is suffering. In the most severe cases, people lose the meaning of life and stop believing that anything good is still possible in their lives.
Acceptance and reorganization
A person is emotionally aware of the death of his mother. He understands that life goes on, makes plans for the future, begins to devote more time to communicating with friends, achieving work goals, and restores lost social contacts and his former way of life. Depression ends after the death of the mother, and is replaced by a less strong feeling - melancholy, sadness. What happened is not completely forgotten, but the trace left by the tragedy does not interfere with living on.
Observing emotional reactions
Relatives should carefully monitor changes in the widow’s psychological state, her impulses, and general mood.
If you notice stuckness at any stage of grief, destructive or self-harming behavior, it is necessary to provide help from a psychologist. This is an absolutely normal practice and does not at all indicate deviations in the woman’s psyche. The support of a specialist in this profile will reduce the degree of human suffering and save him for later life, raising children, and successful work. If a widow has prejudices against turning to a specialist or is hesitant, you can initiate an acquaintance with a good psychologist under the guise of a friend or some other pretext.
Release of emotions
Psychologists who give recommendations and advice on how to survive the death of a husband draw attention to the need to fully live and express emotions.
But in reality, a widow may experience feelings that she suppresses due to false social or family attitudes. This means that he cannot afford to express them and give a way out. These could be prohibitions on tears, complaints, aggression. Shame about your condition and appearance. Denying yourself emotions in public or in the presence of children. Suppressing old grievances against the husband, idealizing his image. Taboo on joy, laughter and good mood (after all, even in the darkest moments, something funny can happen to us, children come running with their simple reasons for happiness). And much more.
Any suppressed emotions are dangerous by transitioning into a state of depression, frozenness, apathy, and then into psychosomatic diseases!
Therefore, all feelings need to be given vent. If for some reason this cannot be done naturally, then it makes sense to create special conditions and methods for the release of feelings:
- art therapy (drawing, dance, modeling);
- sport to release aggression;
- scream (if you are embarrassed by your loved ones and neighbors behind the wall, then go into the forest or scream with your face immersed in a basin of water);
- coloring or weaving mandalas.
Music has the greatest power of realizing suppressed emotions. It is no coincidence that all mourning rituals in the traditions of any nationality in the world are accompanied by singing. Listening to music, going to a concert, playing a musical instrument is truly healing for a suffering soul. The famous psychologist Sergei Vaisman, in the course of many years of sound therapy research, proved that simple songs with friends or alone, the sound of individual vowels and consonants, lullabies for children gently “bleed off the fumes of grief”, allow you to express feelings in an environmentally friendly way. In no case should one condemn a woman whose beloved husband has died in such a realization, even if, to release her emotions, she went to the drum house and “had a blast” on the drums. On the contrary, her loved ones should tell her how to overcome acute grief after the death of her husband through music therapy, and share these moments with her.
Section question - answer
How can a young widow cope with the sudden death and loss of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Connect with friends and family, don't close yourself off from them. Don't forget about your appearance and physical fitness. Celebrate the holidays, don't forbid yourself to smile.
How can a housewife cope with the death of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Try to find new hobbies, since your previous life was closely connected with household chores. A change of environment will have a beneficial effect.
How to cope with loss at 60 years old?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Taking care of younger family members, finding a new hobby, and getting help from a psychiatrist can fill the void.
How long will it be bad, how soon will the grief pass?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
The duration of the period is individual, but vigorous activity, distractions, and new acquaintances have been proven to shorten it.
A year after the death of my husband, how to move on?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
A year has passed, and the tragedy that seemed to have happened quite recently is moving further and further away from you in time. Congratulate yourself, you have survived the most difficult period. Find time to find new pleasures and be outdoors more often.
How to cope with the death of your husband at 40?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Don't let grief consume you. Communicate with people, don't isolate yourself. Admit that you need support.
How to get rid of longing for your dead husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Don’t close yourself off from other people’s support, consult a specialist for advice, and talk openly about your grief. Let your emotions pass through yourself so that they can subside after they have healed.
My personal story
Galina, Tolyatti
A distant relative reported the death of her husband. I was going crazy, I believed that the unbearable melancholy would not disappear. Over time, the pain dulled. But life leads me to new joys. Fate can be amazing, don’t give up on life, give yourself another chance!
How to survive the death of your husband: not to break down and return to life after an irreparable loss
Losing a loved one is always very difficult. Here you cannot do without tears, an attack of anger, hysterics, depression, self-isolation and wild pain that will tear you apart from the inside. It is very difficult not to break down at this moment and quickly return to normal life. But time heals, and the support of friends and relatives will help you cope with the death of your husband. The topic is not pleasant, but undoubtedly important. We hope our article will help inconsolable women cope with grief and start living again without burying themselves in the sadness of loss.
Psychologist's advice
The psychologist's advice is not to keep emotions to yourself
. To prevent this from happening, it is recommended that some time after the death of a spouse, do gymnastics, running, and swimming. And do this at least once a day. The pain of loss is often felt on a physical level, and sport reconfigures the body, changing the organic response. In addition, intense loads allow you to throw out melancholy and worries.
Sometimes bereaved people help in such situations. It is human nature to trust more the words and advice of those who know first-hand the feelings that a widow experiences. You need to find a forum or support site where people share their experiences of getting out of depression, and chat with them.
But if a woman herself is practically dying of melancholy, she should turn to a professional. The psychologist will help the widow look at the situation from the other side, throw out her emotions, and accept the loss. After this, patients usually experience significant relief. If this does not help, psychotherapy will save you from deep depression, and in severe cases, drug treatment.
Should you try to distract? People often say that they want to be alone, what should they do then?
– Here again you need to look at the situation. If the grieving person does not get over his feelings at all and ignores his life, then this is worth paying attention to. Sometimes, while continuing to live, a person feels guilty for this towards the deceased. And therefore he stops his activity, especially if it brings pleasure. Then it's important to talk about it.
Sometimes the idea of setting aside special time for grieving can help. That is, a certain time of day is allocated for this process, and the rest of the time a person lives his life free from grief.
In other cases there is no need to intervene. Sometimes it's really important to be alone. The death of a loved one brings to the surface many important questions about oneself, one’s own finitude, and the meaning of one’s existence. The process of rethinking the past and present begins. The value system is being revised, and so on. This requires time and privacy.
