At an early age, a child actively explores the world around him with the help of his senses. But over time, his consciousness develops, and the baby begins to analyze the information received. So he comes to an important discovery - everything has an end. The child develops a fear of death. At the same time, he is not only afraid of dying himself, but also terrified of losing loved ones. The fear of death can manifest itself both openly and underlie other fears (fear of illness, attack, war, darkness, etc.).
How can you tell if your child is feeling anxious?
Children who are afraid for their parents make statements with the following content: “Mom, will you be old too?”, “Mom, I don’t want you to grow old and die.”, “I want everyone I love, lived for a long, long time." If similar phrases begin to slip into the baby’s speech, it means that at the moment the child is rethinking his previous ideas about life . The kid is trying to accept reality as it is, without embellishment. This process is quite difficult. The child becomes whiny, sad, asks to be held, and demands the attention of the parents.
Reaction to the death of a person
Psychologists divide the experience of grief into several stages. The periods coincide with the dates of commemoration of the dead in Orthodoxy. How a loved one overcomes this path depends on his gender, age, character, health, fortitude and emotional connection with the deceased.
- Shock and shock. The period of denial of what happened at the time of receiving sad news.
- Rage and anger. Relatives of the deceased are looking for the culprits. They worry and are angry with themselves for not preventing the grief that happened.
- Guilt. People understand that they spent little time on the deceased, did not ask for forgiveness, or rarely came to visit.
- Depression. A person begins to get bored, grieve, and a feeling of hopelessness appears.
- Adoption. Sadness gradually dissolves, forcing one to live on without the deceased.
A person who grieves cannot immediately understand and accept the fact of death. Be it the loss of a mother, father, brother, husband, wife, grandmother, beloved grandfather.
With the support of his best friend and family, the bereaved gradually let go of the situation, cherishing the wonderful moments spent together.
Causes of fear
The impetus for the development of serious feelings may be participation in the funeral of a close relative. The fact that a person is buried in the ground is very scary for children. The thought that the same fate will befall mom or dad is alarming. If a loved one has passed away after illness, you should not focus the child’s attention on this fact.
Preschool children are not able to recognize which disease is a minor illness and which can lead to death. Misunderstanding will lead to the child experiencing severe anxiety whenever the parents are unwell. In the same way, the baby will be panicky about his own illness. It is acceptable to tell a child that a person died of old age or from some very rare disease .
It also happens that the root of the worries is not concern for the lives of relatives, but the fear of being left alone. A child is a defenseless and helpless creature, so his need for the presence of loved ones is heightened. Even if a child does not understand his vulnerability, he feels it intuitively. This is the innate instinct of self-preservation. When asking questions about death, the child wants to hear in response confirmation that he will not be left alone and will be safe.
"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"
The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .
The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:
frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma); visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places; a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head; often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).
During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.
From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.
When does a child not feel fear?
If the baby is not worried about his life or the life of his parents, then this may be a warning sign. A complete lack of anxiety indicates that the child either has low emotional sensitivity or there are serious problems in family relationships. The baby has nothing to worry about only when he will not lose anything with the death of his parent .
Children's emotions also become dulled if adults create the illusion of a world in which there is no reason to worry. In this way, parents try to protect their child from worries and do not want to traumatize the child’s psyche. However, if a child is mature enough to realize the inevitability of death, this topic should be discussed with him honestly.
There is no need to artificially slow down the process of rethinking the laws of nature. The biggest mistake is to assure a child that mom and dad will never die. Children of cheerful and optimistic parents may also not experience deep emotions.
What to do if everything around reminds you of your mother?
It happens that it is difficult to come across constant reminders of your mother. And if you lived together, her things would be everywhere: a toothbrush in the bathroom, laundry in the laundry, a mug in the kitchen. But throwing things away or putting them away can be even more difficult than looking at them.
If mom's room remains untouched for many years after her death, it may maintain the illusion that nothing happened. This is bad because a person can remain in denial that his mother died.
Olga Shaveko
Co-founders of the grief portal What's your grief? They advise you to sort things out like this:
Call friends or family members for help. Ask them to collect and throw away things that are definitely not valuable (uneaten food, personal hygiene items, laundry). You can also ask them to help you collect and sort the rest of your things. For example, you can put things in different boxes:
- save for yourself;
- leave for others;
- sell;
- donate, give;
- throw away;
- things that you can't decide yet.
When sorting, it can be difficult to decide what to do with things. It is important to take breaks; there is no need to sort everything out at once.
You can ask yourself questions:
- Do I have room for this item?
- Do I need to save all items? For example, if your mother collected porcelain figurines, the collection may take up a lot of space. Then you can keep a few figures for yourself and give the rest to relatives and friends.
- Can I take a photo of this item? Sometimes it is difficult to part with an item, even if it is necessary. In this case, you can take high-quality photos of the item and keep them as a souvenir.
- Can I make something valuable out of these things? For example, you can make a bedspread from prints of old T-shirts.
Important things for you, photographs, letters can be put in a special “memory box”. Find a suitable storage space and schedule times when you remember Mom and look through the items in the box, such as on death anniversaries and birthdays.
After a loss, especially in the first weeks, it can be difficult to return to activities that involve mom. For example, going to your cafe, mom’s favorite dish, cycling along your route. It is important to gradually regain the opportunity to visit your favorite places and do your favorite things in a new reality where there is no mother.
Here's a way to gradually confront situations that trigger memories:
- Make a list of places and activities that remind you of your mother. Rank the situations from the simplest to the most complex, causing a lot of feelings.
- Make a plan for how and when you will begin to face the situations you have been avoiding. To make it easier, ask a friend or close family member to go with you.
- Be gentle with yourself, it's best to start with small steps because it may be difficult to face the reminders again.
- If you notice difficult emotions arising, try to slow down and describe these emotions, feel where exactly in the body they are felt most strongly. This will help you get in touch with your emotions.
How to proceed?
You cannot ignore your child’s fears and answer his questions dismissively. If your baby starts talking about his experience, you should put everything aside and talk to him calmly. By voicing anxious thoughts, children gradually get rid of fear, so the child needs to speak out. The parent should let the baby know that he is safe, and as long as he needs it, mom and dad will be there.
A good method is to replace negative emotions with positive ones . Involve yourself in interesting activities and hobbies. You can spend more time in a close family circle. This way the child will develop a sense of family integrity, stability and security.
If your baby is too anxious, you need to invite him to draw his fear. After the drawing is ready, it must either be securely hidden or physically destroyed. This will become a symbol of victory over all experiences. A parent should remember that a preschool child should not take part in anyone's funeral. Observing the burial process and ritual actions very often becomes the cause of the development of various phobias, including the obsessive fear of death.
Chronology of the loss
The first few days after your mother's death will seem like some kind of unpleasant dream. You will act automatically, which is very typical for people in a depressed state of mind. On a purely automatic basis, you will organize funerals, contact relatives, console family members, and continue to perform necessary tasks. “Numb” is the perfect word for this period. Funerals will come and go, as will relatives and other well-wishers.
After the funeral, it's time to get back to normal life, right? Wrong! Life will never be the same again. It will simply become different, but it will never be the same as it was. How could this happen?
During the first few weeks, your friends and colleagues will be very polite and courteous to you. They will give you lots of smiles and hugs. They will definitely invite you to dinner and listen to you talk about how bad your pain is. During this time, you will hear a lot of advice on how to survive the death of your mother, but none of them will be truly effective.
After a couple of months, you will feel like people have forgotten that you have lost this important part of your life. They will stop asking how you are and may even seem worried and embarrassed when you want to talk about your mom. You see, people who have not gone through this pain think that the period of grief should pass on its own, that's all. After some time, you should be ready to move on with your life and figure out for yourself how to calm down after your mother's death.
Find "your world"
How do people cope with the death of their mother? First of all, they find solace in various little things. Walking helps some people. For others, a hot bath is perhaps the most pleasant pleasure in life. This is a good answer to the question of how to behave after the death of your mother. What matters is not what exactly you do, but that you do something for yourself at all. It could be songs, smells or images that bring you comfort. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit your favorite places in the city. Do what works for you. Don't let anyone rob you of these moments. After all, they are certainly intended to help us.
Is it possible to make repairs
Repairs can be made after a funeral, but only after 40 days have passed after death. The soul of the deceased visits from time to time to see how loved ones live. She would like to see a familiar environment; changes can anger the spirit.
After 40 days, at a minimum, you will have to replace the bed on which the deceased slept, as well as the bed (sofa, floor or staircase covering, chair, etc.) that became the deathbed. The bed of a dead person cannot be used by his bloodline. It can be given away or sold. There is no need to install a new bed; use the freed up space as you see fit.
The place of death will continue to exude necrotic energy for several years. Therefore, it is necessary to replace everything that came into contact with the dying person, be it the floor covering where he fell, or furniture and bedding. As a rule, such things are thrown away or burned. In the villages they do it a little differently - they take it to the chicken coop for three so that the rooster “sinks away all the negativity.”
The personal belongings of the deceased are usually distributed to the poor or sold. This doesn't just apply to clothes. Your favorite cup or plate, ashtray, anti-stress toy - you shouldn’t keep it all. Although many leave it in memory of the deceased.
Take a break
Try to get back to school as quickly as possible, no matter how difficult it may be. As a last resort, if you don’t want to part with your remaining parents, allow yourself unscheduled vacations. At school and at home your wishes will be treated with understanding.
Try to finish your parenting work. For example, if mom grew flowers and did not have time to plant a garden. Or maybe dad never cleaned up the garage. Firstly, the activity will distract you, and secondly, the result will remind you of a loved one.
If you are offered to take part in an event, a new school or student project, agree. This will distract you from sad thoughts. Nobody wants you to forget about your parent. But he definitely didn’t want you to be alone.
Faith and love will help you survive your mother's death
Coping with the death of a mother is much easier for people who are ready to turn to religion. In the absence of faith, the death of a loved one can result in serious trauma and spiritual wound. The person begins to deny the loss, not believing what is happening and repeating to himself that this could not have happened. Anger is directed at doctors, relatives, God and everyone who “did not save” the deceased. Aggression can also be directed at oneself: a person believes that he did not say something, did not confess his love, did not apologize. These feelings plague a person for a long time who is faced with the death of his mother and has lost faith.
Sometimes a few simple questions will guide you on the right path and help you deal with feelings of guilt. “Did you really want your mother to die?” Of course they didn't want to. If you think that you could have influenced the outcome of the situation, but did not, then you should console yourself with the knowledge that it is impossible to predict the future. If you could predict, you would prevent misfortune, but people do not have this ability.
Some may even experience intense feelings of guilt due to the protracted stages of grief. Gradually, people forget about what happened to the person; it seems to them that he has been walking around gloomy and gloomy for too long, not understanding that he is still experiencing acute melancholy due to the death of his mother.
No grief can avoid pain, but with faith in God it is easier to survive the death of your mother. It’s worse when you don’t believe and think that it’s all over, your mother won’t hear or know about your thoughts, repentances and experiences: one trauma is superimposed on another.
Understand the issue, seek help on a Christian forum, no need to leave important questions until last. Seek God - the search will help in difficult moments of grief.
What does the church recommend?
Grieving children are convinced that their mother’s death is unjust and furiously reproach God for taking their loved one away from them. The Church believes that God calls a person at the moment when he is ready for eternal life. Not wanting to let go of his neighbor, a person refuses to come to terms with his death. Mom's death will have to be taken for granted. She can't be returned. But you try to return to her again, constantly grieving and worrying. Your thoughts circle around death, but should be drawn to life. Clinging to a dead person, we want to be with him, and this is unnatural. You are still here, and you have earthly tasks, and by doing them you will honor the memory of the deceased with dignity.
An unbeliever, faced with the death of his mother, does not know how to find balance and come to terms with the loss. The believer places everything on God's will, understanding that throughout a person's life there are meetings and partings.
There is a plot in the biblical story that has a therapeutic effect on people who have experienced the death of their mother or other stress. Implied life fragments of Job
When he lost something important (there are many such losses), he said: “God gave, God took away.” Seeing Job's complete faith, God made up for his losses in full, giving what was missing beyond measure.
By overcoming longing for a deceased person, we gain resilience and strength.
From birth, a person learns to part. He identifies himself with society, but there comes a moment of disconnection. Even in the sandbox, the baby learns to part with property: his shoulder blade is taken away from him, and he cries, painfully perceiving the loss. Over time, such situations become more common. At a certain point, everyone must be ready to part with what they consider to be theirs.
Let's assume that death turned into eternal life for mom. She feels good and easy there, and the only thing that worries her is your tears and suffering. Her soul cannot enjoy eternal life, it suffers with you. Don't isolate yourself and stop focusing on the loss. Believe that now your mother has found peace, and she is worried about your torment. Let her soul not grieve for you, take the path of returning to life - mom would approve of this. There are many things in the world that require participation - you will find yourself helping others.
