How to survive the death of your child and not go crazy?

How to survive this terrible grief: an algorithm for lost parents

After the death of a child, life will never be the same. Heartbroken parents simply cannot imagine how to continue dragging out their existence, having lost all meaning in it. It is impossible to describe in words all the pain they experience. However, you still need to live on, because the child would want his mom and dad to remain happy no matter what. If you have had a terrible tragedy and you don’t know how to cope with the death of your child, try the following algorithm:

Show your feelings. Don't keep your feelings to yourself: cry or get angry if you want. Sooner or later, the volcano of emotions will still erupt, but for now you are simply poisoning yourself from the inside with negativity. Grief must be lived the way your soul asks for it. Don’t give a damn about the sidelong glances of others, they still won’t understand you. To work through emotions, trips to nature, to secluded places, where you can fully express your feelings and be alone with yourself, will help.
Don't push yourself into a time frame. It will take a lot of time, and maybe even a lifetime, to come to terms with what happened. Don’t think that a year or two has already passed, and you are still yearning for your departed baby, and this is strange. Each parent in this situation will need a different amount of time to recover. Take your time and don’t expect to quickly stop grieving for your lost child.
Don't make radical decisions. Under the influence of grief, you can make a mess. After the terrible events associated with the death of a child, you are unlikely to make informed and wise decisions. Don't give in to impulses and don't do important things for at least a year. Divorce, selling an apartment, quitting your job - you may regret all this later.
Don't blame yourself. Of course, like any conscious parent, you blame yourself for the death of your child. However, no matter how well you treat your baby, no matter how long you raise him, it is impossible to control his every step. In addition, do not forget that fate is unpredictable, and anything can happen at its command.
Follow a daily routine. Normal sleep will help you cope with grief with less consequences. If you don’t get enough sleep, your nervous system simply won’t be able to withstand the load, and it’s not far from serious mental problems. Try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day to get used to a certain routine. Then it will be easier for you to fall asleep. If you still suffer from insomnia, do not hesitate to take sleeping pills. You now need to ensure yourself rest by any means necessary.
Don't drink alcohol or drugs. You think that you will find solace in alcohol or drug oblivion, but in fact you will make it even worse for yourself. After the effect of the substances wears off, you will feel even more depressed and low in strength, and then you will go for a new dose. Addictions quickly cling to a heartbroken person, and they are very difficult to get rid of.
If necessary, reconsider your relationships with loved ones. If friends or relatives do not help you recover from grief and make the situation worse with their judgments, reduce communication with them or stop it altogether. A terrible incident with a child is a reason to dot all the i's and part ways with those with whom you are not on the same path. Loving relatives and friends will stay with you and support you, no matter what the circumstances.
Ask for help. Even if it seems to you that you are coping with grief on your own, the help of a good psychologist or psychotherapist will not hurt. After the death of a child, you should not neglect their services, since post-traumatic disorder can have a delayed and completely sudden effect. It is also helpful to attend group sessions with others who have also lost a child. Together you will feel mutual understanding and support.

Coping with the death of either a small child or a teenager is incredibly difficult. Only a lot of painstaking work on yourself and careful attitude towards your body will help you cope with grief. Try to find at least some bright ray in the future. If there is heaven in the world, then the baby is looking at you from the sky and really hopes that his parents will still be happy.

Prohibited phrases. What not to say to someone who is grieving

When an infant or a teenager dies, the pain is equally intense. Parents try to have less contact with strangers, because not all of them are tactful enough. Those who have not felt this way will not be able to understand the grieving person, so they perceive the tragedy quite easily. What you should not say to people who have experienced great grief:

“don’t be upset, you will still have children”;
“think positively, smile more”;
“don’t cry, we are all mortal”;
“I also lost a loved one, I experienced the same thing, it’s okay, one day everything will pass”;
“don’t think about it, distract yourself, it will become easier”;
“take a sedative, when you wake up, everything will pass”;
"time cures".

How to cope with the death of a newborn?

The death of a baby affects the psyche of parents no less than the death of an adult child. Particularly affected are the mothers who carried the baby, bought bottles and booties for the birth, and then the heart of their beloved child suddenly stopped beating. The loss is so painful that some parents simply cannot believe what is happening. Unfortunately, even such little angels die without having time to say the word “mother.” How to cope with the death of a newborn child:

Monitor the health. The woman in labor needs rest and care, despite the terrible tragedy. She needs rehabilitation and healthy sleep, which, if necessary, can be provided by medications selected by a doctor. The father of a deceased child should not let himself down either. Rest and walks in the fresh air will help you come to your senses at least a little and give you strength to support your grief-stricken mother. Dear men, she needs you now more than ever. Your courage, resilience and confidence in a bright future will soften her inconsolable grief.
Remove all items intended for the baby from the house. One of the most important tips from a psychologist on how to survive the death of a newborn baby is to not mourn over cute blouses and rattles. You shouldn’t engage in masochism and cry for hours, sitting by the recently purchased crib and rocking it. Give things to friends or to your baby's home. This way you will do a good deed and remove from your eyes the reminder of the misfortune that happened.
Find something to do. Anything that you can handle now. Start watching a TV series, just not a melodrama, try to learn a foreign language, sign up for a sports section. Anything that evokes even the slightest response from you will do. To worry less, you need to be at least a little distracted from grief.
Don't lose hope for happiness. If you still want to become the parents of a little screaming bundle, then try again a little later and wait for your little angel. Irreparable health problems are a sign that you can make the baby from the orphanage happy. The test of fate sent to you from heaven is difficult to endure. But who knows, maybe in the future you will find boundless happiness, which would have been impossible without what happened. Try to look at the situation from a philosophical point of view and prepare mentally for the future addition to the family.

Of course, surviving the death of a newborn child is very difficult. A part of your soul seemed to die the moment you learned the terrible news. But, no matter how cynical it may sound, life goes on. And you must gradually come to your senses and learn this lesson of fate with dignity. A white streak will definitely come to you, you just need to be patient and wait for the favor of heaven.

What to do to drown out your grief

To eliminate fear, drown out pain, stop showing aggression towards others, you need to accept your feelings, live through every emotion. This is the main recommendation of psychologists, but no one warns that the process itself is very painful. It also takes a long time and does not guarantee results, but we must admit that there is no other way to free ourselves from the oppressive state.

Help the poor

In this case, the rule of energy exchange applies. This is the only way to feel relief when a person gives more than he receives. Starting the process of energy exchange allows you to concentrate on the pain of another person, and not your own.

A pet is a good helper

An easier way is to take care of your pet. You can take an animal home or feed street cats and dogs. In any case, a small creature in need of food will receive what it needs. The grieving person will experience positive emotions just from caring for animals.

Play some sports

Prolonged depression, difficult emotions, disturbed sleep and poor nutrition are all factors that contribute to poor health. The body is weakened, susceptible to disease, and against the background of many negative factors, chronic diseases can develop. To keep organs in good shape, it is recommended to run, go to the pool, or work out in the gym at least from time to time - the choice is up to the grieving person.

Start spending time on your health

The human body is strong, but not strong enough to work for long periods under extreme conditions. Sleep disturbances and lack of appetite must be eliminated, and at the same time the nervous system must be supported with sedatives. It is necessary to visit a doctor, he will prescribe treatment or maintenance therapy.

Find a new hobby

When an unborn child or a newborn baby dies, parents cannot find themselves for a long time. At the same time, the meaning of life is lost, there is no strength to do daily work, to take care of business. It is necessary to try to find a new activity, and it is desirable that it brings pleasure or at least weak positive emotions - something for which the grieving person can wake up in the morning.

Help from loved ones: what does it mean?

It is almost impossible to survive the death of both a baby and an adult child alone. You should not be embarrassed to ask for help from loved ones or refuse if they offer it. Now think at least a little about yourself and show a little selfishness. Explain to your friends and relatives that they can really save you from depression and protect you from rash actions. What loved ones can do:

Don't leave you alone with your thoughts. Being alone within the four walls where you recently lived with your child is simply dangerous. Ask your loved ones to stay with you for a while and just talk. Spit out your emotions and grief in a frank conversation, don’t keep inside yourself the pain that no one could ever dream of.
Help with household chores. It’s unlikely that now you have the opportunity and desire to clean and cook, but you can’t neglect yourself and your apartment. It won’t be difficult for your loved ones to do at least some of the household chores while you are giving up from worry.
Take you for a walk. Moderate physical activity helps reduce stress. You are unlikely to go to the park yourself, but relatives and friends can take you for a walk. Fresh air and light exercise will make you feel at least a little better.
Motivate you to live on. Perhaps someone close to you has experienced a similar loss and will share ways to overcome depression. Even if no one in your circle has lost children, there will definitely be strong-willed and positive people who will pull you out of the quagmire of sadness and melancholy.
Take you to a psychologist. Not every parent who has experienced the death of a child sees the point in contacting a specialist in mental health problems. However, the help of a psychologist cannot be underestimated, and wise relatives or friends will definitely find the best one for you and make an appointment.

Don't be shy about appearing weak in the eyes of your loved ones. The tragedy that happened to you breaks even the most resistant people to life's adversities. Friends and relatives will definitely help you, so do not hesitate to ask them for support and receive it immediately.

We'll live on the memories

Reliving old moments that are long gone is often the only way to hold on. But at the same time, painful memories do not allow one to return to life. It is necessary to maintain a balance between these states, which is difficult to do, given the absent-mindedness of parents’ attention, lethargy, withdrawal, and ignorance of others and what is happening. At first, the child's things remain in place, but it is difficult to store them forever, because it is a source of constant pain. You should leave some of them, remove the rest, but not too far (in the attic, in the garage).

Photos and videos may disappear because electronic media are unreliable. It is recommended to make a printout and make an album. This will be a great way to preserve memories. Parents keep casts of small legs, arms, the first cut curls, and lost teeth. This will create a complete image of the child, giving a feeling of his presence, albeit invisible.

What are the best words to say at a funeral?

The burial process is one of the difficult stages for parents. They watch as the small coffin sinks underground, taking the baby away forever. After this, it’s hard to collect yourself and bring yourself back to life. The length of the grief period at this stage increases many times over. But during the funeral, a few words should be said about the deceased child. One of the parents or other relatives can do this. Those who come speak mainly words of support to the grieving. How to support them:

“We grieve with you. There are no words to describe the magnitude of the sorrow."

“My words will not make up for your loss, but your son/daughter is now with the angels, not in pain, and will be nearby. Be strong"

“May (name of the deceased) find peace”

“The magnitude of your grief is unimaginable, words of consolation are meaningless, so accept my help, contact me at any time of the day.”

“We grieve with you. The loss of such a bright child is a great grief, we are here and will support you in any situation.”

How to honor your child's memory in the future

The relatives tidy up the baby’s grave, install a monument after 1 year, and also regularly take care of the site: they clean it, plant flowers, and come often. For parents, this is not just a way to honor the memory of the deceased, but also an opportunity to get closer to the child, even in such an unusual way. Other options:

wakes are organized periodically, you can gather relatives at the table, remember the child, share good stories;
order a church service, which will help provide assistance to the soul of the deceased.

Acceptance and awareness

The next two stages - three to four months and six months - are characterized by mood swings and depressive states, a feeling of apathy. Acute feelings are lived through, and it is during these periods that the fact of death is accepted. During these periods, you may experience:

sudden mood changes;
deterioration of health: the causes are more often somatic;
constant internal sadness, sadness, fatigue.

It is very important not to allow yourself to get stuck in a negative emotional or mental state. The remedy for this period lies in a simple action: by helping others, you relieve your pain. Work, charitable activities for the benefit of other people, will allow you not to plunge deeply into your grief.

The desire to gain immortality

On the one hand, it is clear that every person would like to live an eternal life and have time to do everything that he wanted, but for which there is always not enough time. However, there are also those individuals who literally become obsessed with immortality. They begin to read literature, study books on how exactly they can achieve what they want. And even if such people do not perform strange rituals or try to summon someone from the other world, they still waste a huge amount of time on such searches. As a result, in the pursuit of immortality, they miss precious minutes of life. Therefore, this position is considered fundamentally wrong.

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Plant a tree - raise a son

A child can be compared to a tree in his favorite garden. At the very beginning, you prepare the soil for planting: you fertilize it, choose stones. Then you choose a seedling and plant it in the ground. Day after day, you take care of it: you protect it from pests, water it in drought, save it from frost.

You work every day for many years, expecting that one day your tree will bear fruit. Suddenly a random hurricane came and uprooted him in an instant.

What could be in your soul when you see how long work, your dreams and hopes were destroyed in an instant and nothing can be fixed?

Perhaps you will be filled with emptiness, despair, powerless anger, destructive rage. In any case, you will feel helpless to fix anything. In this place, you can plant another tree, but your memory will return to you the memories of the dead tree.

About guilt

After the death of a child, parents begin to be tormented by a strong feeling of guilt: “Why didn’t I do anything to prevent the tragedy?”, “It’s my fault that our son is no longer with us,” “How can I live now if my child voluntarily passed away?” ?”, “Why couldn’t I save him?”

This is a very strong and destructive feeling that prevents parents from coming to terms with the loss. A person should not be left alone with him.

To drown out their feelings, many begin to abuse tranquilizers, alcohol or drugs, and others begin to think about suicide.

In order to relieve grieving parents from the feeling of guilt for the death of their own child, qualified help from a psychologist or psychotherapist will be required, but close people can also say the necessary words of support and consolation. Guilt occurs when we try to control something that is beyond our control. We cannot protect our loved ones from death, even if we really want to. And this is not our fault.

When thoughts about your guilt in the death of a child overwhelm you, remember how much good there was in your life with him, how much warmth and care he received from you and how glad he was when you were with him.
Love for a child does not end with his death. You can do good in memory of him and give your care to those who need it.

Controlling obsessive thoughts

If thoughts of death are constantly swirling in your head, they can become dangerous. It's normal to talk about it with friends or sometimes think that if something happens to your loved ones, it will be difficult. But if you imagine how the body decomposes, or constantly project the pain that a person supposedly experiences in the last minutes, then there is nothing healthy here. There is no need to bring your thoughts to obvious obsession. For example, there are people who sleep in a cemetery to try to feel what it is like to sleep underground. Is this normal? Of course no! Therefore, you should not bring yourself to such a state. Everything should be in moderation, even if we are talking about rather sad thoughts. So try to concentrate on life. Don't put yourself into completely groundless depression. There is so much beauty in life, so it’s simply a pity to waste it on gloomy thoughts that still can’t change anything.

How they say goodbye to deceased children's souls in different countries

The rules for burying deceased children in different countries do not differ from the procedure for burying adults, while the canons of the religion professed in the ethnic group are decisive. But there are some differences. Considering that children are mostly pure and blameless, this aspect can be highlighted. In different countries, its symbol is the color of clothes or flowers that loved ones bring. So, preference is given to light shades, it can be pale pink or white. But flowers are not always welcomed at funerals; for example, this tradition is unacceptable for representatives of Islam.

Church opinion

Father Vladimir

Clergyman

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When a daughter dies, it is one of the saddest events in life. Words of condolences, sorrow, and even chants in church cannot express the depth of suffering. There is no escape from this pain; everything earthly is broken about it. Nothing makes sense anymore except God. Parents can study psychology to alleviate their condition, watch video trainings, listen to specialists, but all this will not reduce the pain. Only awareness of the immortality of the soul will help. She is eternal, which means that the deceased daughter did not disappear without a trace. Those who are nearby need to say less standard words of sympathy. Silent understanding – tears in your own eyes – will be much more supportive.

Why does it hurt so much

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch: Pexels
The death of a child is especially difficult to experience. It is impossible to be internally prepared for the death of your own son. How to cope with the pain of this loss? Is there a medicine that can strengthen the inner strength of the soul and restore the desire to live on?

It is impossible to answer these questions unequivocally. One thing is certain: there is no universal pain reliever. When faced with the death of a child, a very important role is played by:

child's age,

number of children in the family,
the level of closeness between parents and child during life.

The most difficult thing to experience is the loss of a son in adulthood, and also if he was the only child in the family.

This does not mean that the death of an infant or the fetal death of a child does not cause emotional pain. As a rule, such a loss is experienced more easily, and, in these cases, the formula “time heals” can truly serve as a universal cure.