I constantly break down and yell at my child like crazy, and then I am tormented by a feeling of guilt for punishing the child - what to do?

Tears are a completely physiological process that occurs under certain factors, such as a foreign object entering the eye, physical or emotional pain, as well as other strong experiences. But often people find themselves absolutely helpless in situations when they try to understand why sometimes they want to cry for no reason.

This happens when, having logically analyzed the situation, one understands that there is no reason for sadness, but the approaching tears and a lump in the throat indicate the opposite. Here we are dealing not with the absence of reasons for the disorder and its expression in tears, but with unawareness of traumatic processes. It often happens that our psyche uses rationalization and explains even frustrating things from the point of view of necessity and even usefulness, when at the same time the subconscious continues to resist, get hurt and scream that something wrong is happening with the help of causeless tears.

When figuring out why you constantly want to cry, it is necessary to analyze not what is happening now, but also take into account the person’s entire life history. Rolling tears may indicate stress that has accumulated over the years, or they may indicate impending troubles, experiences about which are prohibited on a conscious level. In some cases, you can figure it out on your own or by talking with friends, but if you feel that there is no way out, then it makes sense to sign up for a consultation with a psychotherapist and there, in a specialized session, find out your true reasons for crying, and then develop a plan to stabilize the situation.

Norm or pathology

You are probably interested to know how other parents behave, whether they yell at their children. We will help you find the answer.

In 2022, psychologists conducted a survey on the streets of Moscow among parents and people who witnessed the screaming scene. Parents were asked whether it is acceptable to yell at a child. And the witnesses were asked to characterize such scenes.

What results did the researchers ultimately get:

• 52% of parents said that it is wrong to yell at a child, but 37% of this group noted that they themselves sometimes lose their temper. They justified their behavior by the child's uncontrollability, his whims and by showing the parents in a bad light.
• 27% of parents believe that shouting and punishment are the most effective method of education, and one cannot do without it.
• 21% do not accept this format of communication with a child and never raise their voice.
• 73% of observers believe that such parental behavior is unacceptable.
• 15% are indifferent to the problem.
• 12% believe that parents do everything right; you can’t raise children without shouting and punishment.

As you can see, you are not alone in your problem. But this does not mean that you can calm down and continue parenting with screams. We need to understand the reasons for this behavior.

Why do parents get angry at their children?

• powerlessness and despair;
• psychophysiological exhaustion;
• hatred of the child, rage, regret about his birth;
• an impossible amount of demands, responsibilities (the feeling that you are being torn apart);
• inflated expectations and demands on the child;
• personal triggers and trauma (for example, a breakdown after being interrupted or ignored);
• fear of losing control of the situation;
• fears, increased anxiety against the background of weak self-regulation (screams after the child was almost injured or received some kind of injury);
• disappointment in oneself, the discrepancy between reality and ideals and ideas about parenthood.

Psychologists, educators, sociologists and pediatricians unanimously argue that this style of parenting has a negative impact on the psychophysiological health and development of the child. This means that the problem needs to be dealt with.

What to do

Analyze the survey results and your feelings. Don't you think the reason lies in the parents:

• A child’s disobedience and whims are the result of a misunderstanding of his requests or suppression of him as an individual.
• Experiences due to the fact that the child is shamed, does not show in the best light - the result of the parent’s dependence on other people’s opinions or the creation of inflated demands for the child.

I say this not to increase the feeling of guilt, but to make you understand that you need to work on yourself.

Parents' cries are a cry for help, an admission of their own powerlessness, a pedagogical failure. Or maybe something outside is bothering you (work, relationship with your partner), but you take your anger out on your child. Or this is how your complexes come out, your inability to control emotions. Or you found yourself hostage to a life scenario imposed on you by your parents.

So what to do:

1. Learn to distinguish guilt from responsibility. Guilt is a negative assessment, attitude towards the situation. Responsibility is an acknowledgment of a fact, an understanding of one’s involvement in what happened. Feelings of guilt are destructive; admitting responsibility is necessary and beneficial.
2. Determine the true cause of the breakdown. Admit to yourself what feelings you experience other than anger. Think about how to fix it, how to eliminate the stress factor.
3. Study age norms and developmental characteristics of children. The irritation will subside if you understand and accept your child. And if individual characteristics are more difficult to understand, then there are general principles of development that are spelled out in any textbook or popular literature on psychology. For example, children 3-4 years old have poor time orientation, they cannot think abstractly, and therefore have no idea how long an hour lasts or how quickly 15 minutes will pass. And at the moment of crisis of three years, children need freedom, respect for their personality, and encouragement of independence.
4. Get out of “imprisonment”, arrange your personal and social life. Social isolation, the inability to share care of a child with someone else, forces one to see the cause of personal trouble in the child.
5. Restore your body's resources. Screaming is a primitive defensive reaction in response to fatigue, overstrain, overwork, lack of sleep, malnutrition, depression, chronic diseases, fatigue from life, etc.
6. Get rid of idealism and perfectionism. Don't try to be the best, the perfect parent, or raise the perfect child according to an invented model. Be yourself and let your child be himself.

Be prepared for disruptions. You have to change habits, break behavioral patterns and build new ones. This will take several months. In case of breakdowns and disappointment in yourself, the return of feelings of guilt, re-read the first point of the recommendations. Again, highlight the facts and build a new plan of action.

How to punish correctly

Education without punishment is truly impossible, but you need to choose pedagogically correct methods and maintain a balance of censure and praise.

How to properly punish children:

1. Express your dissatisfaction in a calm voice, evaluate the child’s actions, not the personality.
2. Clearly define the boundaries of punishment, and it is better to do this in advance. Adhere to a two-level punishment system: first a warning, an explanation of the situation and a detailed explanation of the future punishment, then the punishment itself. If you haven’t already explained that it’s wrong to steal other children’s toys, then you shouldn’t punish your child for it. Explain, and next time punish. The child must know in advance what he is sacrificing if he deliberately violates your requirements. And he must understand why he is being punished. Pay attention to the details, the exact timing and duration of the punishment.
3. Explain in detail your dissatisfaction with why the child’s action is regarded as bad. Try to understand the child’s position, listen to his opinion, the reason for the action.
4. Don't make your child feel guilty, but teach him responsibility. To do this, analyze each situation yourself and determine the child’s involvement.
5. Adhere to a common educational position with your husband and other relatives. Always keep your word, don’t promise something you can’t do (“I’ll kill you for this”). Avoid double standards, for example, if you forbid your child to yell at you and other people, then you yourself do not have the right to yell at him or anyone else.
6. Say that you hate to punish your child, but you are forced to do it because his behavior is contrary to family norms. Explain what behavior would suit you. Talk to your child and explain why this should not be done.
7. Do not put the child in a corner - in this position it will not be possible to relax, calm down and comprehend the behavior.
8. Don't let punishment depend on your mood.

You cannot insult, ridicule, beat, publicly punish a child or compare him with other children or with you during his childhood. It is unacceptable to deprive a child of food, but leaving him without dessert or pizza is okay. Other physiological and emotional needs cannot be ignored (“I don’t love you anymore”, “I won’t talk to you”). You cannot threaten, intimidate or humiliate a child.

There should always be more praise in parent-child relationships. We are more willing to express negativity, we are better at noticing someone’s shortcomings and mistakes. Learn to express positive emotions, do not devalue your child’s good behavior.

Causes of tearfulness

Tearfulness is often a symptom of a mental disorder - depression or neurasthenia. In addition, it can be caused by hormonal changes, diseases of the central nervous system, overwork or chronic stress. The causes of tearfulness are varied; tearfulness is often provoked by external events, but has a physiological basis.

Predisposing physiological factors

They say about some people that they are whiny since childhood, about others - on the contrary, that they never cry. Tearfulness most often develops on the basis of a physiological predisposition, which consists of the peculiarities of the functioning of the nervous system and the rate of production of certain hormones. Increased tearfulness is due to the following reasons:

• Instability of the nervous system.
  With an unstable type of nervous activity, the processes of excitation and inhibition quickly replace each other, which is externally manifested by frequent mood swings and sudden emotional outbursts. People with this characteristic type of temperament are classified as melancholic or choleric. Tearfulness is characteristic of them from birth.
• Hormonal imbalance.
  Irritability and tearfulness intensify during periods of hormonal changes in the body in women: during puberty, menstruation, pregnancy, menopause, after childbirth. Increased production of some hormones and a lack of others lead to changes in the activity of parts of the brain responsible for the emotional state.
• Physical overload.
  If the body is unprepared, intense sports or hard physical labor are a source of stress and disrupt the functioning of internal organs and systems. If it is impossible to fully restore strength, tearfulness and irritability increase, and fatigue accumulates. A state of exhaustion gradually develops.
• Vitamin deficiency.
  The reason for tearfulness due to poor nutrition is a lack of B vitamins. They are responsible for the functioning of the nervous system, the production of hormones, skin condition, and muscle tone. With their deficiency, irritability increases, mood and performance decrease, insomnia develops, and appetite worsens. With prolonged hypovitaminosis, depression, neuroses, hormonal disorders, and Beri-Beri disease develop.

Psychological factors

Psychological causes of tearfulness include personality traits formed during life and external stressful psychotraumatic influences. Depending on this, a distinction is made between people who are tearful in character and those whose excessive tearfulness is explained by the current difficult situation. The most obvious causes of tearfulness are:

• Features of education.
  The reason for a child's tearfulness is the attitude of the parents. Sometimes crying becomes a tool to attract the attention of adults and get what they want. If parents do everything to stop the tears - they buy toys, allow them not to go home from a walk, not to wash themselves - the child develops hysterical character traits. Another reason for tearfulness is self-doubt, fears, and a feeling of uselessness. This type of character is called neurasthenic. With insufficient love and support from parents, tearfulness intensifies.
• Stress.
  Negative experiences caused by a traumatic situation or daily minor troubles can lead to a state of stress. At the initial stages, the body fights and activates physiological and mental reserves. Thanks to this, a person maintains the same performance and emotional balance. Then comes the stage of exhaustion - the body gets tired of fighting, and the adverse effects continue. At the physiological level, this manifests itself as headaches and general malaise; at the psychological level, it manifests itself as tearfulness, irritability, and depression.
• Routine.
  Not only stress, but also routine in everyday life can lead to nervous exhaustion. In situations of monotonous work with repetitive stereotypical actions and an impoverished external environment, performance decreases. Monotony is accompanied by the experience of boredom, apathy and dissatisfaction with life, and tearfulness. Women are especially susceptible to emotional disturbances. Their tearfulness increases in the absence of friendly communication and variety of leisure activities.

Mental disorders

Tearfulness and increased tearfulness develop in some mental disorders. All of them are accompanied by a decrease in the body’s adaptive abilities, fatigue, depression, and instability of emotions. Patients cry often, do not always have an external reason for crying, and do not control their condition. Tearfulness can be a symptom of the following disorders:

• Depression.
  With depressive disorders, patients are almost constantly in a state of low mood, sadness, and sadness. They have no interest in what is happening, so it is difficult to distract them and cheer them up. Tears and crying appear easily, often without external reasons.
• Astheno-neurotic syndrome.
  Neurasthenia occurs when a combination of psychotraumatic effects and intense physical or mental stress. Chronic lack of sleep and emotional burnout can be a provoking factor. Manifested by irritability, easy fatigue, and tearfulness.
• PTSD.
  Sometimes, unexplained tearfulness is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. Sudden tears are triggered by memories of scary scenes and traumatic events from the past. Images pop up in the head involuntarily, in dreams and in reality, when the surrounding environment is somewhat reminiscent of an old situation (the same smell, sound, phrase).
• Generalized anxiety disorder.
  The causes of tearfulness in patients with an anxiety disorder are constant worry, fear, obsessive thoughts, and sleep disorders. With a long course of this pathology, panic attacks occur with vegetative crises (dizziness, breathing problems, palpitations). Tearfulness becomes even more noticeable, especially in women.
• Childhood fears.
  A characteristic feature of childhood is the ease of developing fears. They are formed under the influence of external situational influences and provoke the development of neurotic reactions, including crying. The cause of fear in infants and young children is the care of the mother. The more often the mother is absent, the more whiny the child becomes. Similarly, tearfulness in kindergarten develops with fear of strangers.

Somatic diseases

Frequent causes of tearfulness are physical illnesses. Frequent crying may indicate a change in brain function or severe hormonal imbalance. A more obvious connection cannot be ruled out: people cry when they experience pain and worry about the irreversible deterioration of their health and appearance. There are several somatic causes of tearfulness:

• Decreased quality of life.
  Serious illnesses are characterized by limited mobility, deterioration of well-being, and changes in the patient’s appearance. Often patients are forced to give up their usual physical activity and communication, perform professional duties, and eat their favorite foods. This condition may be accompanied by reactive depression - crying, feelings of hopelessness, depression, uselessness.
• Pain syndrome.
  The feeling of frequent or constant pain is the cause of tearfulness in somatic patients, especially children. Physical suffering is manifested by a decrease in the patient’s activity, fixation on sensations coming from the body, depression and irritability.
• Organic brain damage.
  The cause of tearfulness is damage to nerve cells in the parts of the brain responsible for the formation of emotions and behavior. An example of such a disorder is “weakness”, tearfulness of the elderly with Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, atherosclerosis, and multiple sclerosis. Similar emotional disorders are possible with brain tumors, neuroinfections, and after traumatic brain injuries.
• Endocrine diseases.
  Emotions are affected by endocrine pathologies such as hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, diabetes mellitus, and Addison's disease. A lack or excess of certain hormones causes sudden bursts of irritability, anger, and crying. As a rule, patients notice them, but cannot explain the cause.

Afterword

Yelling is a form of emotional abuse. It does not pass without a trace for the unborn child. By shouting, you create a loser scenario in your child, lower his self-esteem, and undermine his trust in the world.

And if you give up screaming, you will notice how children will begin to trust you, feel safe, and begin to open up. They will see you as an authority, an experienced adult who is in control of himself and the situation. Children will learn to solve their problems and respond adequately to contradictions. Think about what kind of future you want to give your children. They will definitely copy your behavior and reactions.

In conclusion, we recommend that you read our article “How not to yell at a child - advice from a psychologist.”

Why does a pregnant woman want to cry?

Tearfulness in pregnant women is a normal condition, which neither doctors, nor relatives, nor pregnant women themselves are surprised by, but it is quite difficult to bear and I would like to understand what is causing this. Initially, a physiological component plays a role, namely a change in hormonal levels, so strong that the body experiences great stress overload. Each cell and organ system begins to work in a special mode, when sensitivity to any environmental influences increases.

Additional stress is added by constant worries associated with your condition and the condition of the baby. An attachment to the child is formed, and for many it is still impossible to see in this a feeling of anxiety and care, but only increased sensitivity and experience, manifested in tears. For many, there is an inherent change in self-perception and self-esteem as new roles are now added to accommodate this.

A huge number of fears that haunt a woman throughout her life are not only actualized during pregnancy, but increase and attract new ones. Watching a program can make you worry all day, work yourself up to the worst forecasts and, accordingly, cry over nothing. But only the absence of a true reason for crying can be noticed solely through an analysis of the situation or the help of loved ones who explain that everything is fine.

Among the psychological components that provoke tears is entering into complete uncertainty. A woman understands that now her body, relationship with a man, work and ability to provide for herself, main activities and even her regime will change. There will no longer be anything that clearly corresponds to her previous life, but an understanding of what the new round, stages, and especially details will look like has not yet appeared. This is where all the existential crises and fears associated with the unknown arise, which means that the number of tears can be reduced by maximizing and organizing a new space of the future.