Don't know how to respond correctly when asking for forgiveness? Read the article, it has useful tips and options.
People do not always act decently and according to their conscience. But even terrible actions can be smoothed over if they are followed by a sincere apology. You should never deprive the offender of the opportunity to express and atone for his guilt if he really feels it. Of course, some personalities do not change - after a while they repeat their unworthy actions. However, there are also cases when a guilty person corrects himself and never repeats the mistakes again.
Read in another article on our website about the origin of the phrase “Who is great? I'm done!" . You will find out where this phrase comes from, what source it is and where it can be heard.
In this article we will tell you how to respond correctly if you have been asked for forgiveness. It’s very easy to choose words, you just need to know which ones. Read on.
Unforgiven grievances are pain points in a person’s soul
How often are we told that offenses must be forgiven. And, it seems, this should be an obvious thing, especially for a Christian who understands the importance of forgiveness. But why in the vast majority of cases does a psychotherapist encounter the topic of one or another unforgiveness in his work? With unforgiveness that prevents a person from living, with unprocessed grievances that burn out a person’s soul.
Often we approach the topic of forgiveness formally: we say “I forgive” without sincerely forgiving. We pretend that we have forgiven, formally following social and religious “norms and rules.” We do not open the abscess, but drive it deep inside. But the abscess is not going anywhere. So grievances are ulcers hidden deep inside that may not hurt for some time, but in the end they still begin to put pressure, cause “inflammation,” etc. A classic example is children’s grievances against parents hidden from themselves, often quite fair. Moreover, to the insult itself there is also added a feeling of guilt for the insult, which can be more painful than the pain itself: “After all, parents are sacred! They must be read! How can you be offended by them!” And we try again and again to suppress this resentment, not realizing that suppression does not heal, but only drives the problem inside. But reverence does not mean that there is no need to sort out your pain and resentment associated with your parents.
Hidden problem
Sometimes aggression and anger after a partner’s apology can be an indicator of deep psychological trauma, a hidden problem. It is likely that your interlocutor touched a nerve and reminded you of an unpleasant episode from the past. You may not even understand why exactly you are angry with him and what provoked such aggression, but you can’t help yourself.
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Anger can indeed mask old traumas. There have probably been cases in your life when an innocent statement caused a storm of indignation among your interlocutor and you generally could not understand the reason for the aggression. Unfortunately, a similar episode could happen to you now. Try to analyze the cause and source of your negative emotions. Did your partner really want to offend you or did you just take his words with hostility? Maybe it's not about him, but about you? If you can’t deal with your feelings on your own, then it’s better to seek help from a psychologist.
Almost every person has an unforgiven grudge.
Unforgiven grievances are one of the most common problems in marital relationships, when family life turns into an ever-increasing ball of mutual grievances. Over time, when this lump reaches gigantic proportions, it almost inevitably leads to the destruction of the marriage. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a legally formalized divorce or a formal cohabitation of strangers, hostile people.
But there are also very “strange” grievances, grievances that most people do not admit to themselves. About which they will say: “This is definitely not about me! This is impossible, disgusting, disgusting and immoral!” I'm talking about resentment towards loved ones because they... died. It sounds very strange. But ask yourself: “Am I not offended that I was abandoned? Am I offended by a parent, a spouse, a child, a deceased person close to me - because he left me here alone, because he hurt me so much by leaving?” The mind will scream that this is nonsense, that your loved one is not to blame for the fact that he died, that he did not want to leave you alone. But someone small and unhappy inside us knows that the right words do not make him feel better, that pain and resentment live on. From my own experience, I will say that almost all people who have experienced a loss have this resentment, in one form or another.
“Processing” an apology
Any words must be supported by actions. Accordingly, you need to discuss further steps with your partner. If he really did wrong and the problem is his, then thank him for his apology and tell him what steps he needs to take. When you voice your expectations, then it will be easier for him to understand what you want from him and not make the same mistakes in the future.
If your partner is guilty again and again for the same reason, come up with some consequences for him. Make it clear that your partner can only count on you if you can count on them. If his words are not supported by actions, then you need to bring the person to a frank conversation.
Formal “I’m sorry, I forgive” without genuine forgiveness has no meaning
What do we mean by the word “forgive”? Forget and pretend that nothing happened? Just as before, rejoice at the person who hurt you?.. From a psychotherapeutic point of view, to forgive means to let go. That is, not to experience pain, worries, anger, rage towards a person.
If you feel like some unforgiven resentment (incoming or outgoing) is gnawing at you, try to sincerely let it go. Yes, this is working with your soul. “That’s it, I don’t want to be offended anymore, because it makes me feel bad, not the person I’m offended by, it devours me and doesn’t let me live.”
The problem is that people very often ask for forgiveness or forgive formally: “Oh, forgive me, please” - “Oh, come on, I’m not offended by you.” But there is no real letting go of the problem. Believe me, formal “I’m sorry, I forgive” do not work.
This is not an apology at all
We are very sensitive to each other's energy, and therefore apologies that are given in anger and aggression are met with the same emotional tone in response. Agree that the word “Sorry” can be pronounced with different intonations, and our acceptance or non-acceptance of an apology depends on this.
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“Imaginary repentance” can infuriate you when a person apologizes simply in order to quickly close the topic and so that the partner will leave him alone: stop pestering him with moralizing, shaming, lamenting, etc. In such situations, the word “Sorry” implies a completely different phrase . For example, a wife asked her husband to fix the kitchen faucet over the weekend while she was on a business trip. Upon returning, the woman discovers that her request was not fulfilled and asks her husband why he did not fix the breakdown. To which the spouse replies “Well, sorry,” which means “I forgot, so what now? Do you need to nag me for this all evening?” It is not surprising that after such an apology the wife will become even more angry.
Should we forgive those who do not ask for forgiveness?
Forgive. But how? Will saying “I must forgive” solve the problem? No. After all, what is resentment? This is our reaction to actions that hurt our weak point. But if we simply tell ourselves that “we must forgive the offense,” then our weak point will not go away. We will remain his hostage. But if we tell ourselves that we want to forgive, then we will have to find the source of resentment within ourselves. We will have to find this weak point, we will have to work on it. And then the resentment will be released, because it will have no point of application left. And our soul will become a little freer.
What to do next?
The favorite phrase of many women is: “It’s all his fault.” You know, maybe you're right. But how will this help you? I have always been surprised by women who refuse to work on themselves. “Why should I take a course with Yaroslav? It's the man's fault! Let him crawl to me, apologize, give me money. Otherwise it’s somehow unfair: he offended me, but I have to go to therapy!”
Look at your life from the perspective of an author, not a victim of circumstances. These are your emotions, your body, your relationships, your consciousness. Ask yourself the question: “Do I enjoy stewing in all this?”
But if you want to transform these emotions so that they do not interfere with reviving old ones or building new relationships with a man, you have a tremendous amount of work to do on yourself.
There are no magic pills! Superman will not arrive to heal your heart with love. Because falling in love will quickly pass, and the same feelings that you hid deeper will rise to the surface.
- If you think that all men are the same and only dream of sticking their nose into someone else's bed, who will you attract? A partner who will hurt you again.
- If the “I am myself” program works 100% in you, and you consider men to be weaklings, who will be attracted to you? A sub-man who will sit comfortably on your neck. Because you won’t take someone worthy with a weak “Come on, prove that you’re not like that.” He doesn’t need to compete and fight for leadership, he needs a normal woman with whom he won’t have to fight.
Read also: My man is not my hero. What is relationship devaluation and why does it happen to you?
What if a person doesn’t want your forgiveness?
It is important to understand that there is always some kind of psychological game behind the phrase “I have never asked anyone for forgiveness.” Why does a person not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not a person very close to you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not to punish him, but to protect himself. What about your loved ones? We can fight for our loved one by knocking on his heart again and again. And - to reach out. Or... retreat, realizing that this is no longer close.
You don’t have to say this out loud, you have to say it to yourself. A person has done this once or several times and does not consider that he did wrong. So he can do it again, and I have to be ready for it. I don’t hold it against him or be angry, but I just know that this could happen again. Just like I don’t hold a grudge against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.
This is not the apology you deserve
Actions always speak louder than words. Sometimes it happens that you hear endless “sorry”, but do not observe any changes for the better. What exactly is an apology? This is when a person realizes his guilt, draws certain conclusions and assumes that a similar situation will not happen again in the future. When everything returns to normal, these apologies are worthless.
In psychology there is such a thing as a “trigger”. This is a stimulus, usually external (a word, an action, etc.), that causes you to fall under the influence of emotions. If we relate this to the situation we are considering, we get the following picture. The partner constantly apologized, but after that he systematically made the same mistakes. And once again, when he said, “I’m sorry,” you felt like you were going to explode in anger. How long can you talk about the same thing and not draw any conclusions? It's really annoying and it's that "Sorry" thing that becomes a powerful trigger.
You can ask for forgiveness not only with words
Don't forget that there are people who find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness with words. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be offended, but he simply cannot say these three cherished words. But often such people try to show with all their appearance and actions that they were wrong - and thereby apologize to us. Does this count as a request for forgiveness? I think yes. Such behavior often carries much more weight than words, which again lead us to the problem of formalism: “Oh, did I break your leg? Well, excuse me, please."
Constructive dialogue
Do you know why sometimes we are not satisfied with apologies? Because we cannot convey the reason for our offense. To help your partner understand you better, include the following points in your explanation:
- tell us why exactly and what you were offended by;
- take responsibility for your own actions;
- do not take an accusatory position;
- Give your partner the opportunity to justify himself.
Your goal is to convey to the person what worries you and suggest ways to solve the problem. Only a constructive dialogue will help you come to a compromise and dot all the i's.
It is very important to learn to admit when you are wrong
Our reader fears: “You seem to feel that you are obliged to ask for forgiveness, although perhaps you are only partly to blame. But what if a person perceives your request for forgiveness as an admission of your surrender?
On the one hand, we are most likely again dealing with some kind of distorted relationship. Why are you so afraid that your apology will be perceived as capitulation? Don’t you think that if in response to your apology you expect the person to say: “Yeah, you capitulated!”, this means that your relationship is developing in some scandalous and destructive way? Do you really need this? Isn't this a reason to radically change the relationship?
On the other hand, it often happens that a person is absolutely right in content, but wrong in form. If, for example, you didn’t like something in the behavior of another and you made an ugly scandal about it, yelled so much that the person left in tears, of course, you should say: “Sorry, I made a terrible scandal, I absolutely did not right But at the same time, I still don’t like the behavior to which I reacted so stupidly and ugly.”
It is important for any child and adult to learn to admit their mistakes. You are not required to completely admit your guilt for everything. If you feel like you are wrong about something, you need to ask for forgiveness for specific things. And when you sincerely admit your mistake, when you jointly analyze why this happened, how to fix it, how not to repeat it in the future - this is much more effective for both you and those around you than simply shouting: “I’m to blame, forgive me, sorry!" This is what a healthy relationship is - when people try to work through the situation, understand what caused the conflict and sort out their mistakes.
Shift responsibility to circumstances
- “Sorry for yelling at you for no reason. It's all Mercury retrograde."
Being guilty is unpleasant, so the desire to justify yourself and share responsibility with someone or something is logical and understandable. The offender has every right to analyze his behavior and understand what caused it.
Firstly, this will help prevent this from happening in the future. Secondly, it will give you the opportunity to feel better. As Homer Simpson said: “You can’t always blame yourself for something. Blame yourself once and move on with your life.”
But if someone wants to sincerely apologize and establish contact with the person they offended, they will have to take responsibility. Maybe the boss, the angry dog and the Moon in Capricorn are to blame, but he did or said something unpleasant. And this is exactly why you need to ask for forgiveness.
How to make peace with a girl if you really offended her
The issue of apology is most acute in the event of a serious conflict. Guys get even more lost when they are really guilty before their beloved. If the girl is very offended, you will have to make a lot of effort to regain the affection of the woman you love.
Firstly, it is best to give her a pleasant surprise. To get started, you can simply send flowers by courier with a note.
If you come right away, most likely they won’t even listen to you. Then you can call and offer a meeting. Be open with the girl. Say that you are very upset about what happened and want to talk.
If the girl still refuses to meet with you, you can come to her yourself. She won’t let you home, she won’t come in on her own, which means you’ll have to greet her home from school or work, preferably with a bouquet. She may want to ignore you, but this is how a woman understands that you care about her feelings.
If this doesn’t help, use SMS or social networks. Let us know about you in every possible way. She must understand that you regret what happened, love you and don’t want to lose.
What to write to make peace with a girl
The question of what to write if you offended a girl worries guys no less than the cause of the offense. Young people are confused and do not understand how to behave correctly.
In social networks
If a girl is offended and doesn’t want to see you or communicate with you, you can try to convey your thoughts to her with a message on a social network. This is especially true for guys who find it easier to write about feelings than to say them.
Start the correspondence directly, do not ask questions from afar. Do not under any circumstances devalue her feelings, admit that you made a mistake and did not want to hurt her so much. Always ask for a personal meeting.
SMS
This method is good for those whose touchy girlfriends ignore messages on social networks or have completely blocked the offender.
You can write everything the same as on social networks. Perhaps the girl won’t write back to you, but she won’t be able to not read it.
Send her little reminders of yourself. Say good night, write that you love and miss you. Let the girl know that you are thinking about her and that you are sorry that you offended her.
PsychologyPRO
