165 quotes about women: funny, witty, cool

I find you funny

A sarcastic smile can be for various reasons: betrayal of a friend, misunderstanding of colleagues, difficult life situations, arbitrariness of officials, a waste of energy and time, and so on, then feel free to put statuses with sarcasm:

I thought it was a man, but it turned out to be just a guy.
With such a friend there is no need for enemies at all.
Do not expect understanding from others, it is better to understand them yourself and let them go.
Relying on someone is funny, not hoping is very sad.
Hope dies last - along with the betrayal of a loved one.
Accept everyone as they are - you, too, are with the cockroaches.
There are no ideal people, but why does everything just stick?
Don’t think about what others will say about you – they won’t say anything good anyway.
If you don’t put a scarf over someone else’s mouth, let them talk.
Never prove that you are not an elephant from Africa, you know everything about yourself.
The grannies at the entrance are the heritage of our homeland, we must take care of them, cherish them and not touch them with our hands.
They say correctly that you should choose not an apartment, but your neighbors, otherwise you might end up in a terrarium.
My colleagues are the best representatives of those who say one thing, think another, and say something else.
Don’t judge people harshly, it’s not their fault that they’re unhappy.
A happy person will never offend another, but the unfortunate ones should only be pitied.
It’s sad to look at young people who drink, and even sadder to see the lack of prospects for non-drinkers.
I adore our officials - well-fed and even well-mannered, but so indifferent and impenetrable.
An official is a friend of the state, and we have not yet entered into this concept.
Does anyone also love officials as much as I love them - for their unshakable stubborn character?
Darkness is the friend of young people, but old people should carry a flashlight.
Have the lights been turned off for non-payment? Nonsense. If only the brain was not turned off for the ability to think.
Don't wait for manna from heaven, it has already fallen into the mouths of those who need it.
It is better to hope for the best while expecting the worst than not to hope at all.
“Nothing in life can knock us out of the saddle” - this was the saying among the people.
“Wake up and shine” - then all troubles will pass by.
Don’t allow yourself to be lazy – this privilege has already gone to the chosen few.
Two Russian troubles - fools and roads - have been supplemented by another - officials.
The servants of the people force us to serve them. Then we turn out to be servants of the servants of the people - an unattractive status.
Don’t bend to circumstances, only being true to yourself will help change everything for the better.
Don't cheat on yourself, better listen to your inner self.
The worst betrayal is to yourself.
When your inner rod is slightly bent, engage the shock absorber and spring it into place.
Help only those who ask and need.
Is the road to hell paved with good intentions, and not with good intentions - to heaven?

Every glamorous pussycat has...

Every beautiful princess... Hidden somewhere in her purse - Beer, roach and sunflower seeds!..
PENSION
Yesterday I almost got into money!
Listen, I went to the post office to get my pension. I’m going home, and at the entrance I hear: “Grandma! Stop, old man! Drive the money here!!!" Oh, my dears, what have I done here! Just a big shiver, from head to toe! What kind of fear? I’ve never been in a building with a guy about fifty years old. In a moment, all life flashed before my eyes, All the pranks were forgotten, And the boy rustled his hands over me - Looking for his pockets! As soon as I pull up my blouse - pure nature For a fashionable sketch in the style of “nude” (I wanted to help the sick man like a fool, I keep my pension on my chest!), I still won’t move in - what happened? Some kind of weak-hearted kid was - Once I leaned against him, And he is an eccentric, silent, like a partisan, Yes, he backs away... I say: “Bring me! Take it! Don't be afraid!" This numismatist - Down five steps... Rogue! Apparently, you got caught with no experience... An amateur... Don't offend your woman...
With your actions and swear words... Otherwise, you'll wake up one morning, With wonderful, branchy horns...
I'll hide any annoyance skillfully,
It's not a royal thing to be offended by everyone!
I haven’t been throwing empty words to the wind for a long time, I’ll straighten the crown and move on! RESULT
If you offend me, I will find myself another one with a lop-eared, lame and slightly hunchbacked person.
I will walk with him in my arms, in front of your windows, from 9 am to night, every day, seven days a week! When you see me with him, you will shake, turn pale, fall horizontally and die of jealousy! I won't bury you! I won't come to the wake! You will lie alone in your grave! And having dined on you, the worms will say reproachfully: “Who asked you, you pest, to offend a girl like that?” If you can’t live without scenes,
a sensible proposal - Make sure there are scenes Only in bed.
The mistress abandoned the bunny...
The bunny began to wander around the women, Ears up, tail like a pipe, Not a bunny... but a playboy.
THE GIRLS WALKED
Svetka, her skirt was torn - We wanted a striptease so bad... We were strumming on the piano, Even as the neighbor was knocking from below... We were swinging on the eaves, At karaoke, we were screaming... And the plates from the service were launched into near space... Yulka, the portman took a sip and polished it with beer.
And she winked slyly - Len, give me more - it’s not enough for me. Having had a little fun, she came in on a lunar rover. And I was looking, without a doubt, For eternal happiness, a passage. Lenka, standing on the balcony, wailed serenades. Even if it’s not in the voice or tone, but for that it’s damn cute. The neighbors sang along with her - Listen, shut up! - They shouted in unison. Lenka, the bastards, gave in to even more enthusiasm. And Marinka became sad and really wanted to go to Poland. And she, acting up, chose a thinner tablecloth. And she hurried to catch the train - It will roll up to the roof. And I took Vodka with me - they say, it will flow on the way. Svetka, with the first rays, was brought by the cops, by force. “I want guys with you!” - Svetka was indignant, very much... But the outfit, unforgiving, locked Svetka in the toilet. Out of unbearable resentment, Svetka told everyone to go to hell. In general, we had a nice walk. The girls have something to remember. It’s a pity that the whole piano was vomited, And the whole house was covered with obscenities. Oh, we mocked viciously, But for that we had fun. If only there were men, that's for sure, the girls wouldn't get drunk like that. I do not regret, do not call, do not cry.
Everything will pass like smoke from white apple trees.
If you get caught, I’ll wipe you off with a mop, so that you don’t run to the young people anymore! HUSBAND
My husband came home from work angry.
Kicked the cat in the butt with his foot. To the parrot Coquette He slammed the door in the cage. Son: - Come here, son! Show me your diary! Daughter! Take off your rags! Still visible, oh my! Mother-in-law: - Mom, we're busy! They should go to Mukhosransk! He barked at his wife: “Eat!” Bloom, motherfucker! He splashed out his poison on everyone, and calmly went to bed. Everyone walked on tiptoe, In the morning everyone forgave him. The cat Vasily did not forgive - he put “a bunch” in his slippers... I am mentally quite healthy...
But I’m fooling around, catching my luck... From the firewood I broke, I could easily build a dacha!
RULES OF AN IDEAL WIFE.
Run around in the kitchen and sing merrily, Love, smile, be a faithful wife.
Always be healthy, beautiful, slim - Nobody needs a sick wife. Have time everywhere: to the store, to the market. Know how to get scarce goods. Go to concerts, read newspapers - Don’t lag behind your husband in development. He reads books - you sweep the floor. He's playing the goat - don't bother him. He's watching football - you stand by the stove. He sits down at the table - you serve him. He went to rest - keep the kids busy, so that they don’t disturb dad’s sleep. Be an affectionate, kind and loving friend, an attentive, sweet and kind wife. Go to work calmly in the morning, drop off the children at the nursery along the way. If you do your work properly, that’s why you now live with equal rights. Don't be grumpy, words won't help. Did you get everything? Freedom, rights... But know that it’s not in vain! Everything requires a fee. God gave you two hands through connections. You know how to hug and caress them, Sew, iron, wash and knit... Keep them in order, smear wrinkles with cream, Maybe a man’s lips will touch them. When they bring you a drunken husband, lay him down neatly in bed. Sleep on the chairs by the bed, and in the morning bring him the check. And if the spouse did not come to spend the night, there is no need to reproach him for treason. After all, it is known that there are more women than men! Therefore, there is no reason for divorce... Until they take a wife,
Men don’t really know - Which ones bake well... Which ones cook great...
What a luxury - to be out of fashion
And live without looking at anyone, And dress according to the weather, Not for the sake of looks counter uncles.
Be cheerful and extravagant, Yawn if it becomes too boring. What a luxury it is to not be fashionable, but to be yourself. Piece. SPELLING DICTIONARY
Do you know that you will hardly find the word “husband” in a spelling dictionary?
But the syllable “wife” often appears there, and this is what happens as a result: She is OFFENSED, HUMILIZED, REJECTED, DISMISSED, surrounded, defeated, distorted, deposed, irritated, alarmed, angry, lowered, harnessed, loaded, snow-MARRIED, afflicted, caught with a cold , proposed, NAKED, laid down, covered... And that’s all - WIFE. And the husband is so-and-so Only in derivative adjectives MASCULINE. But now I want to raise my glass, So that I don’t encounter the syllable “husband” more often, Let him be a husband. Well, you are a wife, be surrounded by His virtues, pampered, dressed up, ennobled and multiplied by compliments in your beauty! They talk so much about women's happiness!
But for me everything is simple and familiar... I am happy when everyone is MY home.
It's even happier when they're all asleep. There is an arrow on the tights, the heel is barely alive.
You fool, I dropped the iron on my leg.
The collar of my favorite blouse was burned. It would be better if I died in early childhood. An evil dog howls on the floor below.
They turned off the water, even if you were homeless.
Coffee runs out, the whole stove is flooded, (This was my breakfast without alternatives.) I sank into a chair, clenching my fists -
My glasses crunched as usual under me.
What will I use to buy a new attribute, If they give me a salary in rubles. I’ll bend over the bathtub to wash away a tear -
A fold of fat will float below.
And I'll get stuck in the subway halfway. Life is beautiful, motherfucker. Life is just a fairy tale, life is a dream!
Kids, Home, Favorite Job... Life without a man - Beauty!!! It’s just sex, damn it, hunting...

1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 SMS congratulations Good night with humor
Ironic poems about men

If you want to cry, go and laugh

There are also statuses about a bitter grin and a grin that can be called “statuses about sarcasm”:

They beat you, but you smile.
There is nothing more correct than laughing and joking, even when it hurts inside.
Don't bend over, just smile.
Jokes and humor are the engine of your successful life.
Laugh at yourself - show strength.
Not everyone can laugh at themselves, this is the lot of strong people.
Laughing at a friend is easy, but not everyone can laugh at oneself.
Laughing at yourself is a sign of intelligence and adequacy.
A snob will never laugh at his own weaknesses. But I’m happy to try on strangers.
If you want to test your new friend’s adequacy, make a joke.
The inability to laugh at oneself is a sign of complexes.
Any joke will break your complex if you say it yourself, and even to yourself.
Admitting that everything is difficult in your life and publicly saying it is true heroism.
I look on social networks - everyone is successful, rich and happy. I met some on the street - fidgety, unsure and angry. Don't trust the Internet!
Anger is a product of one’s own vulnerability.
People are not born evil; the main reason is the inability to laugh, including at oneself.
“Laugh, gentlemen!” - Munchausen said and went into the sky, realizing that it was useless.
Please note that people with a serious expression on their faces are either officials or degenerates.
Is a constant smile on your face a sign of inadequacy? Is a serious face without emotions more adequate?
Laughing for no reason is better than being sad all the time.

How to learn sarcasm and irony?

First of all, you need to formulate for yourself a clear definition of both concepts and the differences between them. It is advisable to look for examples of sarcasm and irony in literary works, and take an interest in phrases that are given as examples on the Internet (below you can read a list of such statements).
When you clearly understand in what cases this or that type of satire is necessary, try to apply your knowledge to those interlocutors who, in case of failure, will not be offended and will not laugh - relatives or friends. The main thing is not to seriously offend them. If the learning process is successful, you can move on to using sarcastic statements towards those people who are unpleasant to you.

Interesting articles on the site:

Methods for dealing with stress and depression in women and men
How to win people over
5 Tibetan exercises from the Eye of Renaissance series
17 ways to relieve stress
How to determine that a person is an energy vampire
Psychology of favorite colors in clothing and interior design

Short and sweet

Sometimes you want to express in a concise, capacious form about a painful event or a joyful event that you have been working towards for a long time, then short statuses with sarcasm are appropriate:

Learning is light, ignorance is a position.
You will never get to an official without difficulty.
Do you want to become happy? Become.
Tibet is only in you.
What goes around comes around.
Don’t dig a hole for someone else, he already dug it for you.
Don't spit in the well, it dried up long ago.
There are no bad people, change your perspective.
Owning an apartment without a mortgage is a dream that will always stay with you.
The first step is the most difficult in any journey.
The eyes are afraid, and the boss is nearby.
Connections decide how much money is in the account.

Difference between sarcasm and irony

So, what is the difference between sarcasm and irony? The most “benevolent” form of criticism is humor, followed by irony , which hides ridicule behind the apparent seriousness of what is said, similar to a hint rather than an open denunciation. And only then sarcasm , ridiculing it quite harshly, uncompromisingly and caustically.

Thus, in an ironic statement there is more goodwill, friendly banter. Sarcasm is a rather evil and merciless means of expressing one’s emotions.

Well you were joking

Sometimes you want to joke and laugh with your friends online. Then you should surprise them with an original joke, write funny statuses with sarcasm:

If you stop a galloping horse tomorrow, stop yourself today.
Who needs home-grown highly intelligent cockroaches from my head? I'll give it away for free.
There are a lot of people, but I can’t meet anyone.
The one who walks will master the road, the one who gives will achieve wealth.
Don't judge a person by his clothes, you're not Coco Chanel yourself.
It’s better to avoid people who greet you based on their clothes and then see you off based on their clothes.
It is not clothes that make a person, but their brand.
Don’t judge, but you will still be judged.
I’ll go to a monastery, preferably a monastery (for women).
They say that love will come unexpectedly, and they have already stopped waiting. Maria Lukinichna, 72 years old.
I, like Assol, am waiting for pink sails and my prince, but for now - only pink dreams and a neighbor with a bottle.
You have to get married as a naive, inexperienced girl, otherwise you can see right through all the men.
Turn on the “fool” more often - it helps both at work and in the family.
Work loves fools, so I’m smart - I just can’t find one.
Fools are lucky - this is the only thing that consoles me in my chronic bad luck.

Psychology of sarcasm and irony

Psychologists say that irony is most often used in communication by people who are self-confident, endowed with fairly high intelligence and are kind by nature. Perhaps they are experiencing minor complexes, and irony in this case is a means of self-defense.
people who lack self-confidence tend to resort to sarcasm And in this case, the self-defense mechanism - to play proactively and incapacitate a potential enemy by unleashing a barrage of evil ridicule on him.

Ironic and sarcastic statements

About the high with sarcasm

Poems are written about love, songs are sung, films are made. Or you can express words of love with bitter humor in statuses about love with sarcasm:

I thought that marriage was forever, but it turned out to be for a year.
The women repent, but together with the girls they are getting married again.
There is no fatigue from my favorite pastime - getting married.
I can’t live without love, so I am a regular client of the registry office of the Leninsky district.
Men are all such ladies' men that even an experienced woman cannot rely on her experience and pass by.
Every girl can love with her ears, but try with your heart.
I have been deceived 100 times, but I am persistent and believe again.
I loved him because he loved me.
They say you shouldn’t lie to men, but then I wouldn’t have them at all.
He is an eternal sufferer, I am a constantly wet pillow.
They say the eyes are the mirror of the soul, or he has squint, or he is completely soulless.
Girls, you shouldn’t get married, because there are almost no husbands left, and those who remain are not husbands at all.
How to understand whether a person is yours or not? Just take his wallet. If he starts to pull him back - what kind of guy is he?
I don’t like any glamor or pathos, although I myself am still that pathetic glamor girl.
Don’t look for flaws in it, they will appear on their own, and very quickly.
Don’t close your eyes to its disadvantages, otherwise you’ll have to walk around with your eyes closed all your life.
I transform all my husband’s shortcomings into his advantages: greedy - economical, angry - realistic, swearing - swearing.
Don’t blame your husband for his weaknesses, it’s the fault of the woman who to this day walks into your bedroom without knocking.
A man can be forgiven for everything, except for the fact that he is a mother-in-law - here the fight begins with a tank that is not afraid of dirt, the “mother-in-law” brand...
Mothers, remember, you are raising sons not for yourself, but for us, their future wives.
I understood the origin of the word “mother-in-law” - it is “blood” and “swe” - the letters are simply mixed up “everyone”, it turns out that everyone drinks blood.
To the mother-in-law’s question, “Has my boy eaten?” I often want to answer: “I didn’t just eat, I got drunk, fell asleep and didn’t even undress.”
You should marry for love - for yourself and your future children.
You shouldn’t file your husband every day; a preventive file once a week is enough.
All husbands call their wives “baby”, “baby”, “pussy”, only I am “baby shark”.

Examples of sarcasm from everyday life

“Oh yes, you were sooooo helpful! Thank you so much for your invaluable help!”

Imagine someone saying this, drawing out syllables in an exaggerated manner, repeating words, and perhaps rolling their eyes. Thanks to intonation and facial expressions, you will quickly understand that in fact the person means the exact opposite and wants to convey his dissatisfaction to the interlocutor without resorting to direct criticism of his work.

Money and career How to criticize an employee’s work without crossing the line: 6 tips for bosses It is important not only to be able to praise subordinates, but also to correctly point out their mistakes.

“I made a GREAT decision by selling my car right before I decided to move!”

Sarcasm is not always mean or offensive. It can also be absurd, playful, or (as in this example) self-deprecating. Again, the verbal irony, plus the tone of voice, makes this phrase an example of sarcasm.

Sarcasm can not only respond to insults addressed to you and joke about yourself, but also be used as a friendly barb.

“That parsley between your teeth attracts all eyes to your smile!”

Just be careful: such mocking phrases can only be said to people you know well and so that others do not hear it, otherwise your sarcasm will be perceived as rudeness.

You can point out to a close friend the abuse of perfume using a phrase pronounced with emphasis on politeness:

“What a great cologne! Do you like marinating in it?”

Let's give another clear example of how to respond funny and with sarcasm to an awkward situation in which you unwittingly found yourself through someone else's fault. Imagine that you are sitting in a restaurant and the waitress accidentally spills a glass of water on you.

She is probably embarrassed, it may be difficult to remain silent, but screaming and loudly expressing your anger is very ugly and indecent of you. What can be done? Sarcasm will help you!

“Oh thank you, I was just getting ready for the wet T-shirt contest.”

Want more examples? Then scroll below to find out how characters in books, films and TV series used sarcasm to defend and attack when communicating with enemies, friends or even strangers.