One of the common problems that arise in relationships is the love triangle. Those. when a third party appears in a loving couple, a third participant in this relationship, with whom one of the couple cheats.
The situation of a love triangle can be experienced in different ways:
- You can be this very third party, most often it is a mistress. For convenience, in my article I will call it that way.
- You can be the one or the one who is being cheated on. In the article I will call this role in the triangle – wife. Since the most common triangles are “husband-wife-mistress”.
- Or to those (one) who cheat. I will conventionally call this role a husband.
In this article we will talk about the love triangle. What is its essence, why do they arise? And who is to blame for the appearance of the triangle.
I'll tell you why people can cheat. Why some people are haunted by triangular relationships throughout their lives. And what is the main problem with love triangles, from which all its participants suffer?
I'll tell you what fidelity in a relationship is.
And I will give recommendations for the three participants in the triangle. I’ll tell you what you can do – if you are cheating, if you are being cheated on, and if you are the third party in the relationship, i.e. mistress. And how to get out of a love triangle if you find yourself in one.
Loyalty = self-respect
My opinion is categorical: if a man openly cheats, he has no place in your life and head.
A man who openly cheats does not respect either his partner or himself - if he were worthy, he would choose his “one and only beloved.”
By the way, this may have nothing to do with the real wife. She just might be that “one and only beloved,” but her husband will not notice this. And she, most likely, too, since she allows disrespect for herself.
Love is always about respect, trust, interest and, of course, respect for your partner’s feelings.
Let's look at the main causes and consequences of such flawed, painful relationships, and the psychosomatics of a love triangle in general. Moreover, not only in the usual format of FFM, but MFM, when the triangle rarely lasts long, and we are talking about “fights without rules” in the event of a secret being revealed.
Are extramarital affairs good or bad?
What is a love triangle?
This is when a married man or married woman has an affair on the side, and not necessarily a sexual one, sometimes it is a friendly, platonic or poetic relationship or virtual-Internet flirting by correspondence. Sometimes it looks like a guy or girl can’t decide on their chosen one and continue a parallel relationship. To a person who is torn between two or more partners, it seems that there is no other way. And, despite scandals, feelings of guilt and other inconveniences, he continues this “adventure-torture.” Often this takes on the nature of addiction and is no different from alcoholism or gambling addiction. Society and partners may view this differently. Some people understand that “I’m on you like I’m at war,” that relationships are constantly hanging by a thread, but this only turns them on, it only fans the flames of passion. Every evening they conquer their partner again and again, proving their superiority over a real or virtual lover.
But often for the husband or wife of such a person, being in such a relationship is a difficult, debilitating test, which is accompanied by a feeling of impasse - “This will never end,” a feeling of guilt - “There must be something wrong with me! I’m a worthless wife or a bad husband”, aggression – “I spent the best years of my life on you, and you...!!!”, exhaustion – “I can’t take it anymore. Let it all go to waste!
But from the point of view of the family system, there is no room for moral assessments. You can't say whether it's good or bad. From the point of view of the family system, if something happens, then there are very real reasons for it. Let's look at some of them.
Reasons for cheating
So, the reasons for cheating. They are the same for both sexes.
Recognition and admiration
It is very important to stroke your partner's self-esteem. Do not flatter, but sincerely appreciate the merits and do not forget to admire them. Give thanks for pleasant little things. Admire the beauty and taste of your beloved, the care and strength of your loved one.
Lack and monotony of sex
How much has already been said and discussed, and there are plenty of different courses, still many women believe that experiments in bed are with prostitutes. And there’s a lot more “grandmother’s” stuff that I personally don’t understand.
Is it so difficult to go on YouTube and find ways to spice up your sex life?
Moreover, both sexes have these blinders! How many men cheat because “she kisses children with those lips.”
The need for honesty and openness
Trust is the basis of family relationships! This concerns not only sexual fidelity, but also respect for secrets and secrets.
When each partner feels that the information told to the other is taboo for disclosure. When there are no lies even in small things.
The need for high-quality performance of one’s male/female responsibilities
Everything is trivial and does not lose relevance. A woman expects from her husband the maintenance that he is capable of, even if she herself earns well.
That he will be a good father to her children (even if they are not his!). That he will support her and protect her (from his mother, neighbors, authorities, “friends”).
Satisfying these needs does not guarantee fidelity, because... it also depends on the individual characteristics of the partners, but losing such a relationship will be incredibly painful.
Everyone will think carefully about whether it is worth risking happiness for the sake of momentary pleasure (and not the fact that pleasure).
Everything is different with us...
You know, as a practicing psychologist, I have many examples of how love triangles end. It all starts romantically and erotically, every “illegal” couple thinks that they “will be smarter and won’t fall in love or get caught,” “it will just be sex,” or the common thing among mistresses: “he really loves me, he’ll go to me.” and we will be happy."
But in fact...
Why do people cheat?
There can be many reasons why people cheat, both superficial and well understood. And deep ones, which a person himself may not even be aware of.
The reasons for cheating may be related to:
- As with the personality of the one who changes it, i.e. caused by its internal causes.
- So it is with the relationships that a couple has formed. That is, when the betrayal is caused by problems in the couple.
I will describe several common reasons why people may cheat.
Reasons related to the personality of the cheater:
1) Fear of close relationships - cheating gives a person the opportunity not to get close to his partner. Instead of resolving with him the problem that is pushing him to cheat, he temporarily escapes into a new relationship.
Instead of being in a relationship with a partner completely, presenting his whole personality in them, a person demonstrates some part of himself to his mistress, and another part of himself to his wife. At the same time, he does not “meet” anyone completely; each of his partners knows him only partially.
2) Feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and attractiveness are one of the common reasons for cheating. For some, cheating gives them the opportunity to feel needed and attractive to the opposite sex. That they are still young and beautiful, someone might like them.
And someone is flattered and increases self-esteem by the situation when they compete for him, try to become the only one for him, to win him over from his rival.
3) Unpreparedness for relationships - quite often people enter into relationships when in fact they are not internally ready for them, are not ready to open up to their partner, negotiate with them, resolve problems and conflicts, etc.
And then all unresolved problems that have arisen in the couple are resolved with the help of their mistress.
4) Splitting of the psyche - it often happens that a person is not whole within himself, some “parts” of his personality are in poor contact with each other, they are pulled in different directions. That is, there is an internal conflict in a person.
And then some “part” of him may need a certain person nearby, with certain qualities. And the other part is a person with completely different characteristics. And then the solution for a person is the opportunity to have different partners.
For example, the “Madonna and the Harlot” complex in a man or the “Knight and the Libertine” complex in a woman. This is when a person cannot accept in one partner both sexuality and the qualities that make him a good spouse.
When in his unconscious mind these roles can only be realized by different people, they cannot exist together in one person. She must be either a holy “Madonna” or a bad “harlot.”
5) An unsuccessful love scenario or life scenario - when a person in childhood adopted from his loved ones a model of relationships where there was betrayal. And growing up, he unconsciously recreates what he was used to since childhood. Or repeats the behavior that he learned from his parents.
For example, if a boy's father cheated on his mother, then there is a high probability that his son will copy his behavior. And when he grows up, he will cheat on his wife.
6) Cheating as the norm - some people see nothing wrong with cheating on their partner. They perceive cheating as the norm, they are convinced that they cheat on everyone, and there is nothing wrong with it.
Such people may not even experience any feelings of guilt or remorse about their infidelities.
7) Sexaholism - an obsessive need to enter into sexual relationships with different people can push a person to cheat on his partner. For example, a man like Christian from Nip/Tuck will cheat on his women all the time because of his sex addiction.
Adrenaline addiction, the need for excitement and excitement from the “forbidden fruit” and the risk of being caught - when a person needs thrills, strong emotions, risk.
And he is used to receiving them from relationships. Then he can cheat in order to receive the usual “doses” of adrenaline.
9) Fear of being cheated on, betrayed, deceived, lack of trust in a partner - sometimes unconscious anxiety about the fact that he may suffer from his partner’s infidelity can push a person to cheat first.
There is a saying that the best defense is an attack. And in this case, a person who is afraid that they will cheat on him. He may treat his partner the way he fears they will treat him.
10) The desire to remain “good”, the inability to say “no” and protect one’s boundaries - in connection with which a person does not directly express his dissatisfaction with his partner, does not talk about his desires, does not set his boundaries.
He cannot leave a person with whom he feels bad, whom he does not love. He cannot refuse his mistress or say that he is married.
And then cheating becomes the only way - or to express your anger at your partner. Or continue the relationship with him, despite the fact that you have long wanted to get a divorce. Or not to offend your mistress with your refusal.
Reasons for infidelity related to relationships:
1) Dissatisfaction in relationships is the most common reason for cheating. When some important needs cannot or cannot be satisfied in their couple, people may look for someone with whom these needs can be satisfied.
2) Different sexual constitutions between partners - when one needs sex at least once a day, while the other is more comfortable having sex once a week or even a month. Then it may occur to someone who doesn’t get enough sex to find a mistress or lover.
3) Accumulated anger between partners - the anger that people do not directly express to their partner must find an outlet somewhere. And sometimes betrayals occur on this basis.
4) Partners have different ideas about fidelity, different concepts about the boundaries of what is acceptable in their couple.
For example, for one, betrayal can only mean betrayal in feelings. When for another, simply friendship with a person of the opposite sex can be equated to betrayal.
5) Scenario of relationships in a couple – “parent/child”. When one of the couple seems to be “higher” than the other, when one of them plays the role of a parent, and the other plays the role of a child. Then the probability of betrayal in such a couple is very high.
Firstly, sex disappears in such relationships. And secondly, someone who is in the role of a “child” may have a desire to “separate” from their partner, as from their mother. Show your autonomy, independence and commit a rebellion.
And then, as such a rebellion, a person can commit treason in order to prove his independence to himself.
6) Revenge for betrayal - sometimes the one who considered betrayal unacceptable for himself. At some point, he may cheat on his partner as revenge for his betrayal. An example of such betrayal can be seen in the film “Loyalty” (2019).
Swamp of the FFM triangle: two women - one man
About the participants. Wives who “are the last to know” and therefore suffer from severe, purely female psychosomatics (sometimes to the point of oncology) because they suppress this “secret” knowledge within themselves.
Husbands who are torn between duty, public censure, and a sense of guilt (before both - before their wife, who cheats, and before their beloved, who does not leave and does not pay due attention to her).
Well, and, of course, mistresses . It is most difficult for them in terms of social condemnation and wasted time - for short-lived happiness they pay dearly with health, pride, years, youth and self-confidence. And sometimes - childlessness due to abortions... Or, fleeing from love and “fast deadlines” for marriage and childbirth, they jump out to marry the first person they meet, dooming themselves to a sad existence without love.
Well, no one has canceled the cause-and-effect Laws of the Universe - you may not even recognize the “punishment” for the sins of the past... Karma, fate, everything about it.
Bloody MFM triangle: two men - one woman
The situation is more acute in the case of MFM. Sometimes such triangles have a sad ending with a criminal outcome.
Even the calmest man can lose his head and behave inappropriately, causing physical harm to his wife and her lover.
Especially if infidelity has become the property of the masses and the “cuckold” has to react to public opinion and defend masculinity.
In my practice, there was a standard dramatic case with serious bodily injuries to the wife’s lover, the involvement of criminals (“putting on the counter”), the expulsion of the wife from the house in what she was wearing when she was caught cheating.
Was the game worth the trouble?
To understand how difficult it is to get out of a love triangle, it’s worth watching how others do it. In the case that I mentioned, the lovers after this story could not even see each other. And it took my wife a long time to return to her usual social rhythm...
By the way, according to the wife (ex-wife), she entered into this relationship out of accumulated resentment toward her partner, and “punished” him in such a primitive way. And, if a woman knew about the upcoming humiliating outcome, she would never have stooped to infidelity.
Option 1
Let's look at how this triangle works in our situation from the mistress's point of view . The first, most common scenario: the husband (Victim) believes that his wife (Persecutor) is bullying him, oppressing him, creating unbearable living conditions, and so on. Moreover, please note, this is only a man’s opinion, what is really happening there and who is bullying whom is a separate question. But, being a Victim, he finds himself a Savior - a mistress.
Another subtle point - it doesn’t matter on whose initiative the rapprochement took place, whether the unfaithful husband was actively seducing the potential mistress, or she was just as actively pursuing him, and he obediently agreed to a “left” relationship, the balance of roles does not change. He is the Victim of his wife, his mistress is the Rescuer.
And as soon as the girl entered this triangle, it draws her in and forces her to play by its own rules. The Victim Husband sings sweetly into his ears how unbearable it is for him and his wife, and only she is his true love, his Savior, the only joy in life. And if not for a million insurmountable circumstances, they would have been together, lived happily ever after and died on the same day.
The Rescuer Lover, according to her role, begins to console and give advice on how to overcome all difficulties - and then she herself turns into a Persecutor in the eyes of her lover, because she already demands the impossible from him! He accuses her - oops! – she has already become a Victim. Beauty? And such a whirlwind will last indefinitely.
Even if she refuses to advise or help, the Victim husband will not give up, he will simply begin to demand salvation more and more insistently, and in the end he himself will turn into a Persecutor, forcing his mistress to take the role of the Victim.
Let's see how this scenario looks in real life:
- There are constant quarrels in the family, and the husband, feeling unfairly offended, runs to seek warmth, affection and acceptance on the side. In such a story, if the wife really is the aggressor, and not both of them enjoy these quarrels, the likelihood that the man will still divorce and go to his sweet and affectionate mistress is the highest.
- A child appeared in the family, and all the wife’s strength and attention switched from her husband to the baby. Plus, they also require exorbitant efforts from the husband himself - to earn more, to help with the housework and the child. And he, all tired, poor and unhappy, runs to “rest” with his mistress. Here, too, divorce often happens, but my personal advice is to drive away such a “wretch” with pissing rags, nothing good will come of such a relationship!
- The wife has lost her former attractiveness, it has become uninteresting to be with her, there is little sex, and life is somehow neglected - well, it’s unbearable for a man in such conditions! And again he finds a solution - to find solace in the arms of another woman! This is usually the most hopeless situation in terms of divorce. The man is very comfortable here, and he won’t get around to changing anything for a long time. Rather, he will tell endless stories about his sick wife, about children who need to grow up, about his wife’s lawyer, who in the event of a divorce will definitely leave him without a livelihood, about... well, you yourself know what: you’ve heard it a million times already!
Who is to blame for the betrayal?
What should partners who have already experienced betrayal do in a love triangle? They should be clearly aware of their “contribution” and not blame someone else. It’s easier to withdraw into yourself or switch to another person than to work on the crisis that has arisen.
Endless squabbles or vice versa - withdrawing into oneself, avoiding conversation - only alienate partners from each other and from solving the pressing problem.
Everyone is to blame here. Equally.
Blame the wife
Most likely, in marriage, the wife relaxed and ceased to be an enthusiastic girl, a lover. She stopped admiring her man or lost herself and stopped being interesting to herself and to him, respectively.
From an alluring seductress she could turn into a mother-children-chainsaw-“give me money”, who often says: “I gave birth to two or three of him, even if he loves me like that.” Sex could become a duty for her, and marriage just a habit...
The husband is to blame
The husband’s fault could be that he did not indicate to his wife in time that she had gradually grown from size S to XL. He could burden his wife with everyday life and children, and suddenly he is no longer happy with the free “nanny-housekeeper”.
By rudeness or indifference, he killed his wife’s desire and ability to please and excite. And instead of explaining what didn’t suit him, he preferred to find new feelings and emotions.
Such husbands are afraid to take responsibility and the strength to be a man, sort out their feelings and choose ONE, but instead continue to humiliate both and torture them with hopes and expectations.
The mistress is to blame
It is the mistress who is the key figure at the entrance to the triangle. It depends only on her whether this relationship will exist. Unless, of course, the man hides his status.
Each one naively (regardless of age, social status and intelligence) thinks exactly the same things (to choose from):
- it's not for long;
- it's just a sexual adventure;
- he will go to me;
- the wife is a cold, insensitive egoist, I will warm him with my love;
- we love each other!
Of course, this may not last long. And wives can be selfish fools. And maybe you even have love...
Although, if it is more realistic, falling in love: there is no everyday life, you walk around longer, beautiful and erotic, preparing for each meeting, he splashes out the negativity at home, and brings you libido and gifts.
You don’t even know what you’re like in everyday life (sneak trips for a couple of days don’t count).
Real life cases
Some statistics It is impossible to know in reality how many families end up in a love triangle, but according to careful estimates of experts, at least 20–25% of married couples have secretly or openly tried such relationships.
At risk are married couples with more than 5-6 years of experience, with a conflicting way of communication, who have a high enough income to organize additional meetings and hide their next passion for a long time.
The story of an unfaithful wife
Anna, Omsk
Our family life began quite routinely, or simply put, “out of the blue,” there were no courtships or romantic proposals with rings. The wedding didn’t really work out either, it was expensive and there was no time. I quickly got used to my new responsibilities, as if I had been stuck in the kitchen and near the washing machine all my life.
Then at work I met a divorced driver, he was very energetic and sociable, skillfully looked after me, and said a lot of compliments.
We started meeting occasionally in his apartment, I didn’t attach much importance to these meetings. It seemed to me that this was just a random chance to diversify my own life, have fun and feel wanted.
One day I returned home and realized that I was left alone, my husband took all my things and left to no one knows where. I felt incredibly ashamed, because he did nothing to deserve such an attitude, I realized that I had destroyed the only fortress in my life.
I realized that more than anything in the world I wanted to return his warmth and understanding, which I did not appreciate and took for granted. With trembling hands I dialed him on the phone, he answered immediately, I said that I was ready to make any sacrifice if only he would return. We talked for a long time, he said that he was not ready to see me yet.
Fortunately, a week later I saw him on the threshold of our home, he also looked very exhausted. We had to overcome for a very long time, with great patience, the catastrophic consequences of what seemed like a fleeting and insignificant adventure.
The story of the “walking” husband
Victor, Tikhvin
I was incredibly tired of family life, constant requests and reproaches, as if I had an endless supply of resources, I didn’t get enough sleep, I didn’t rest mentally, but new requests and demands constantly arose.
My wife was always looking for a job, but there were no suitable vacancies, or the salary was low, or the requirements were stupid, or the boss was crazy, in short, there were only freaks and degenerates all around.
I purposefully registered on a dating site and began to actively explore new ways of communication. This is a whole epic; with great difficulty we managed to sort out a couple of normal contacts. We corresponded with one girl for a long time, then we decided to meet. I didn’t even understand at what point I felt that I needed daily communication with her, that her opinion on absolutely any matter was important to me.
My wife managed to track me down, a real nightmare began, she screamed and jumped on me like a wild gorilla. All attempts to discuss the situation and my condition led to new attacks of rage. She even hinted at monetary compensation for her suffering and psychological trauma.
I had to leave the premises to preserve my common sense and the remnants of my pride. She called more than forty times in one evening, sent several messages with abuse. Then she completely attacked my parents, I don’t even know what she was trying to achieve.
I’m not making excuses for myself, but it’s beyond my capabilities to endure this. We had to part, I remember this period with horror and shudder. I live alone for now and have no plans to get married in the near future.
Statistics of exits from love triangles
Statistics are a stubborn thing: only 3-5% of the total mass of such relationships end in the marriage of lovers. At the same time, it is not a fact that a man will cope with depression from feelings of guilt in front of an abandoned family, public censure, and a ban on seeing children. To restore your psyche after leaving, you need time equal to a month for each year of marriage. How long did your loved one “suffer” there? 10-15-25 years?
And, an important point. It's only hard the first time. Steal, cheat, get divorced... Now it won’t be difficult to change and leave - you set an example that it’s “possible.”
It is believed that in such a triangle it is easiest for a man - he lives in a family and goes to his beloved for pleasure. Paradise!
In fact, the most difficult thing for a man is the feeling of guilt, eternal squabbles on both sides with the demand to “choose her.” Find time in your busy work schedule for dates.
And if you give one something more than the other... A scandal. Satisfy both sexually, since inevitably each will accuse him of having sex with the other. From such tension you won’t want any sex anymore!
In addition, a man can be sincerely in love with his mistress and suffer from the inability to be with her always, but be a decent man with a high threshold of responsibility (no matter how comical it sounds in such a situation) and not leave his wife and children.
I have unfortunate trios who live in such a swamp for years or decades. Often, mistresses even have children in order to balance the odds, but their husbands still do not leave for them.
How to break the love triangle “Husband-Wife-Mistress”. Advice for your wife
Hello, Dear Readers, my name is Yuri Lemekhov, I am a clinical psychologist by training, and in today’s article I will talk about how to break the love triangle “Husband-Wife-Mistress”.
You can find out about my online services as a psychologist-psychotherapist in the article “Online Psychologist”.
I recommend that you subscribe to my YouTube channels “Yuri Lemekhov” and “World of Psychology”.
Where does it all begin and how does it proceed in the future? As a rule, everything happens something like this: a married couple’s family relationship finally breaks down, and the husband leaves for his mistress. Then, after some time, if my client begins to behave correctly, and we successfully return her husband to the family, but he still continues to have meetings with his mistress from time to time. Wives (by the way, it’s abandoned wives that mostly turn to me, rather than mistresses from whom their man left), so, this situation is certainly very annoying for wives, and they often ask me: “What should I do, where can I get that the most magical pill that will return your loved one to the bosom of the family once and for all?” So, in fact, for the wives whose husbands left them, but then came back, I am making this video. – Simply because not all women have the financial opportunity to seek advice from a professional psychologist or psychotherapist who specializes in returning beloved men who have left the family, and women, as a rule, really need help in this matter. I would like to emphasize right away that all the information presented in this video is applicable EXCLUSIVELY IN THIS SPECIFIC SITUATION (where the husband left for his mistress, and then returned back) - i.e. in other situations it may simply NOT work.
Now I will read a typical message from a woman (my client) in a similar situation: “Yuri, good afternoon. We consulted with you about the return of your husband. Recently my husband returned and we decided to start all over again. They expressed their fears to each other and, outwardly, everything seemed fine, but communication with their mistress had not stopped, daily correspondence, calls. My husband shows great indifference and coldness towards me. Question. How to break a love triangle? Thank you". Those. It is obvious that my client has already completed some work in the right direction and has already received quite a significant result - her husband who left the family finally returned home to her. Next, I will read you my message to my client, in which I will give my answer to wives on how to behave in such a situation:
"Good afternoon. Despite his coldness, it is still necessary to continue to give your husband your warmth, affection, love, tenderness, care, attention, to bring flirting, play, lightness, lightness into communication (so as not to particularly strain him in any way). Now your husband, judging by his coldness, is still very offended by you for something (then I listed to the client WHAT EXACTLY he is offended by in her specific case, I will NOT give this here, since in each specific case the cause of the offense may to be OWN; Yu.L.). It is also very possible that your husband is already very disappointed in you, and is now acting so cold and dry precisely in order to see HOW you will behave in the future - i.e. In fact, you are now on a probationary period, and in such situations a man will look exclusively at your Changes for the Better - will they follow and will they lead to psycho-emotional stability and harmony in your relationship in the family, but he he will NOT invest at this stage of the relationship as a matter of principle - simply because, in fact, he does NOT see ANY SENSE in it now - i.e. now and for some time to come, he will EXCLUSIVELY CONSUME, WITHOUT GIVING YOU ANYTHING IN REPLACE). What to do with his resentment? It is highly advisable to dock, i.e. relieve the symptoms of his grievances by sincerely and repentantly apologizing to him for the mistakes that you made in your relationship (I wrote to you about this above). – That is, it is necessary to ensure that the husband has as few of these grievances as possible, and ideally, none at all. – Only in THIS case can both of you truly start communication and relationships from scratch. – And in the future, make efforts to build harmonious relationships based on mutual respect, trust, sincerity of feelings, spiritual closeness and love. Well, as long as he is offended and disappointed with you, there can be no talk of any trust on his part in you. And in order to regain his trust, in order for it to arise again in him, you will still need to work quite decently on it. – And for this it will be necessary to give him stable, lasting positivity not just over any long period of time, but throughout YOUR ENTIRE FURTHER MARRIED LIFE. Those. to work on himself a little only until his contacts with his mistress cease, and then to slide back onto the same tracks, leaving his behavior, communication, actions and attitude towards him without any significant changes - NO, THIS WILL NOT happen. - In this case, as soon as you begin to behave THIS way, he will immediately leave again for his mistress - not this one, but another. Therefore, if you DO NOT want to lose him, and, on the contrary, dream of preserving your marriage for many years, you will have to invest in him ALL THE TIME. If you DO NOT want to do this and DO NOT plan to do this (you should also take into account the fact that there may not be any psycho-emotional return from your spouse for a sufficiently long period of time, and there may only be coldness and indifference or emotional repulsion) - So, if you are NOT ready for all this, then it is hardly worth taking on the final and irrevocable return of your husband to the family and breaking the love triangle in the relationship. – There will be no sense in the fact that you work on yourself for two weeks, well, at most, a month, and then again throw everything on the back burner - so, there will STILL be no sense in such “work on yourself”. – You’ll just waste your time and energy. – In this case, in my opinion, it is better for you to divorce him and, taking into account previous mistakes, try to build a NEW relationship with ANOTHER man. – Who knows, maybe on the second try and with a clean slate with ANOTHER person – you will really succeed. Because I understand you perfectly - you also have a lot of complaints and grievances against your husband, and you are stressed and dissatisfied by everything that is happening now on his part in relation to you. In addition, investing from several months to six months to a year without receiving any kind of warmth and psycho-emotional feedback from your spouse in return is very, very difficult. So, if you decide NOT to return him, but to get a divorce and continue to build your life with ANOTHER person, I completely understand you. In any case, the final decision on this issue remains solely YOURS. – ONLY YOU DECIDE HOW YOU WILL LIVE NEXT.
As for your behavior with your spouse, then, in general, you need to be able to Listen and, most importantly, Hear your husband - strive to understand his true hidden motives and desires (what he wants to receive, but for some reason this DOES NOT voice) - that is, in addition to light communication (which is necessary so as not to stress him out) - sometimes, periodically, depending on the situation, it is necessary to give him much deeper, emotional communication - i.e., when you understand WHAT is needed to his soul, WHAT his soul REQUIRES AND WISHES to receive from you - you give it to him (further I described to my client WHAT SPECIFICALLY, in the overwhelming majority of cases, HER MAN WANTED TO RECEIVE FROM HER and recommended that she develop her emotional-sensual sphere and intuition, with which, due to absolutely incorrect upbringing in early childhood, my client had quite big problems, here I will NOT again cite a passage of text with the hidden needs of her husband, since the true hidden motives and desires of each individual man may be their own and may not coincide with similar desires of other men, both in general and in any particular details - i.e. THIS moment, Dear Wives, you have to find out on your own; Yu.L.). In general, in order for him to feel needed and loved, any manifestation of Positive Emotions and Feelings in his direction, Compliments, Admiration, Delight for your man in measured quantities and according to the situation is quite suitable here (the tone can be: 1) tenderly affectionate, caring and understanding, or 2) playfully flirting, passionate, sexy, or 3) simply confident and calm - depending on the situation, the same phrase can be said in a different tone of voice and with different intonations, putting it there, respectively, completely different semantic load), for example, you can say confidently: “You are so cool” or tenderly, affectionately “I feel very good with you, cozy, comfortable, calm, warm, easy, pleasant, you are smart, strong, caring, responsible “, or caringly: “Darling, are you very tired? Maybe I should give you a massage?”, or playfully passionate: “I have a lot of fun with you in sex (here you can go into detail about what exactly you like: “You are so gentle, passionate, affectionate, courageous, sexy,” etc. and so on.). – That is, use all those words that can warm the soul of YOUR Man. Simply because THE WORD IS GREAT POWER! And this word needs to be truly SINCERE, KIND, GOOD AND WARM. (By the way, many people in our country, both men and women (although men are still much more likely) suffer from alexithymia - the inability to express and describe in words their emotions and feelings. You can read more about alexithymia in the article “What this is alexithymia”; Yu.L.). In general, your behavior and communication should be natural, calm, relaxed - it is advisable that you do not have anxiety in your soul. - Don’t worry - if he has already returned, it means that in that relationship with his mistress everything is NOT going well, and you have already taken a whole series of Correct Steps - otherwise, otherwise, if you had done everything or a lot of things WRONG, then , most likely, even if he ran away from his mistress, he would definitely NOT return to you. Those. You are on the right path, don't worry about it. Yes, you will still need to refine some details over time, as well as develop some skills - communication and behavior with your man, as well as a completely DIFFERENT attitude towards him.
But what you SHOULD NOT DO is hang yourself around his neck, beg him to leave his mistress and not spend time with her, and also actively show your neediness and complete dependence on your husband: “Leave her, I want to be with you at any cost, even if you wipe your feet on me and don’t think anything of me” - all this, of course, should NOT be done. There is also no need to blow your husband’s mind by criticizing him in vain. There is no need to spend a long time and tediously, until you lose your pulse, to sort things out - to arrange endless debates about who is right and who is wrong, and to harp on the past to the point of exhaustion; there is no need to make a scandal and reproach your husband for leaving for his mistress . You should also NOT try to manipulate him with the help of your insults, children, refusal of intimacy, try to command him, put pressure on him, etc. and so on. In general, there are MUCH THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO. It’s impossible to list everything here. But, I think you got the main idea. (For a more detailed list of what you should NOT do, you can read the articles “A loved one left. How to return”, “How to return a loved one using” and “How to return a relationship with a loved one”; Yu.L.).
Also, in addition to giving your husband WHAT he needs, and even in the form in which HE wants it, it is extremely important to be able to arouse in him a renewed interest in his personality (yes, specifically in the case of this client of mine, interest in her personality her husband has pretty much declined, which, however, often happens to those women who, after the birth of one or several children, are exclusively concerned with them and STOP CONCERNING THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN PERSONAL AND SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT AT ALL - i.e. such women become simply uninteresting and frankly boring; Yu.L.). It is very important for you to NEVER neglect yourself - YOU MUST take care of yourself and your appearance, as well as self-development in various areas of your life, of course, doing this to the best of your strength and capabilities. – Even if it’s a little, but at least SOMETHING! – Read some interesting smart book, attend some seminar, keep a diary on psychology and learn to analyze life situations and cause-and-effect relationships between phenomena, learn to cook a new dish, sign up for swimming, fitness or dancing, etc. and so on. Moreover, it is extremely desirable to develop NOT just one-sidedly (for example, ONLY reading books or ONLY sports), but still - more or less Versatile - well, at least a little bit. Moreover, all this must be done NOT for him, but for YOURSELF. – So that he can see, understand and feel that you NEED IT YOURSELF, that YOU ARE INTERESTED IN IT, THAT YOU LIKE IT – THAT YOU ARE REALLY PASSIONATE IN WHAT YOU DO! AND NOT just doing it for show or solely in order to GET HIM BACK THIS WAY, for example, you are bending over backwards to lose a couple of extra kilograms, which, by the time he leaves, in fact, as a rule, DO NOT have at all NO ATTITUDE. Those. You DO NOT need to do this for him or expect a positive assessment of your development from him - DO ALL THIS EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOURSELF.
Also, in such a situation, when there is a mistress, it is very important for you NOT to rush under any circumstances, i.e. relax, accept the situation as it is now, be patient and learn to wait - since your husband did not receive much from you for a very long time (otherwise he would not have left the family), now he will treat your changes in communication and behavior as say, with caution: “What if she’s just like this NOW, and when I finally break up with my mistress, she’ll immediately go back to her old ways?!” Yes, including, and for this reason he continues to actively maintain contact with his mistress and so far clearly does not intend to lose her, i.e. sits with one butt in two bazaars - this is beneficial to him because, firstly, he also receives something from his mistress, and, secondly, if it becomes clear that his relationship with you will definitely NOT work out, then, in order NOT to look for someone new for himself (i.e., not to waste his energy and time on this), he keeps her at hand - so that, so to speak, he could immediately return to her, i.e. a mistress for him is like some kind of alternate airfield, on which, if something happens, he can always (well, as long as HER is satisfied with this situation) can safely land. When he left her, he deliberately did NOT break off relations with her, although he easily could have done this by expressing any complaints against her (which, of course, is quite logical, since since he left her after all, then she, of course, did not radically suit him in many ways). But no, he did NOT reproach this mistress for anything, but, on the contrary, acted strategically wisely and to his own benefit - he simply fooled her head, telling her something like the following: “You see, I can’t live with you yet - I have a children" (In this case, my client and her husband actually had two children. In general, if there is a child or children in the family, then the husband’s excuse for his mistress is simply classic - i.e. “I’m not returning to my wife because , that you’re a shitty lover, I don’t particularly like you or aren’t suitable at all, but because, supposedly, I’m very worried about my child - so that he doesn’t grow up with me without a father, but I don’t have a wife, I’m not a wife at all I don’t love you - but you’re a thousand times better, my sweet girl, you’re my darling, you’re my favorite bunny, you’re my sunshine" - something like this. Well, if there are no children in the marriage, then the husband comes up with some other idea , why he leaves such a good mistress and returns to such a bad wife, for example, he can tell his mistress something like this: “We urgently need to finish the renovations in the apartment, and during the renovation I will temporarily live with my wife.” Or: “I CANNOT do this, my soul is very heavy, I feel like a scoundrel and a bastard, I need to be alone for a while, think carefully about what happened in my life and delve into myself and all this figure it out, otherwise, to be honest, I was completely confused - lost in life. No, I feel that I DO NOT love my wife, she no longer means anything to me, she is a stranger and distant person to my heart, but I can’t live with you yet either - I’m not returning to her, I’m just tired, I’ll live alone for now." This is roughly the kind of bullshit he puts on his mistress’s ears. Of course, this is a lie, because, although at first the mistress seemed better to her husband in some ways, then he identified or saw in her a whole series of shortcomings, and, as often happens, he was already somewhat disappointed in her. But in order NOT to lose her completely, he (as a rule, with the help of copious correspondence and frequent phone calls) smoothes out his return to his wife - so that his mistress does NOT feel abandoned and completely unnecessary. Well, when his wife begins to behave psychologically competently and correctly - his calls to the homewrecker become less and less frequent, and the correspondence becomes shorter and shorter, and at one fine moment he forgets about her once and for all - he no longer wants to spend time with her , nor maintain any contact with her at all. As a result, he just quietly loses her. Well, now I will continue my answer to my client; Yu.L.).
But still, his mistress, of course, gives him something, since finally he is NOT breaking up with her yet - i.e. She's not that bad. And here, while communicating with him, it is extremely important for you to understand WHY EXACTLY he spends time with her? WHAT DOES SHE give him that HE NEEDS and what, apparently, you are not giving him yet (or giving him very little)? And try to focus on THIS. (Next, I wrote to my client what exactly hooked her husband’s mistress. In each specific case it will be something different. It could be some bright emotions, newness in a relationship, cool passionate sex, some, albeit inexpensive, but gifts that are very important and valuable for the husband (as a kind of sign of attention), these can be compliments and admiration, it can be understanding and calm acceptance of any of his weaknesses, for example, frequent complaints about life, playing computer games, excessive boringness, excessive communication with friends, etc., etc. Dear Wives, when you understand this and place a SPECIAL EMPHASIS on THIS, and besides this, give him a lot of other things + leave all the good things that is in you already now (after all, you do NOT need to change completely, but only correct in yourself what is truly an obstacle to your relationship with your beloved man) - then, when you do all this, your husband even has needs for there will NOT be a mistress - she will simply disappear by itself; Yu.L.).
In general, you (as a wife) need to do the right things (as I said above) and be patient - since some time must pass before he finally believes that you have changed, well, plus For quite a long time he will receive from you what he needs, what he needs. And, of course, you, as a wife, must hope that your mistress will continue to behave incorrectly, which will only accelerate the final break in their relationship, and his final return to the bosom of the family.”
That's all I have for today. I wish you success and see you again.
Features of MFM love triangles
MFM triangles are less durable and have their own rules and principles. On the one hand, women are more cautious, they cheat quietly, unnoticed by their husband, who “pushed” her into the hands of her lover precisely with his indifference (mostly).
Unlike cheating husbands, who enter into adultery mainly, sorry, with their genitals, a woman gets into the triangle with her heart.
And, if the cheating husband does not stop sexual contact with his wife (although everyone feeds his mistresses with assurances “I haven’t slept with my wife for a long time!”), then the cheater feels that if she falls in love with her lover, she is already cheating on her Lover, and not on her husband, and avoids having sex with him contacts.
Despite the latency of such triangles, they are revealed brightly and enchantingly for all participants. I have already written about one such example.
For a woman who imagines infidelity as a “refuge” from a difficult relationship with her husband, I would definitely recommend not to risk it and leave her unloved husband.
Triangle of fate
There is one very interesting model through which most of these problematic relationships can be explained. This is the so-called Karpman-Burn triangle (you can read more about it in Eric Burn’s book “Games People Play”). It has three roles: Persecutor (Aggressor, Executioner, Tyrant - terminology varies slightly in different sources), Victim and Rescuer (Savior).
This triangle is often called the magic triangle. The roles in it are not strictly fixed, and the participants constantly “run” from one role to another, at the same time drawing more and more new participants into it.
To forgive or not to forgive betrayal?
Don't forgive
A couple who has cheated should talk. Without nerves and insults and accusations. Accept equal degrees of responsibility and guilt.
Evaluate your feelings and decide whether there is still love (mutual!) and whether it is worth living together further. Finally, admit it if you no longer have it. Realize that you are connected by anything: debt, children, business, but not by what should be the basis in a family - love.
What kind of relationship example do you set for the children for whom you “endure”? With your “happiness” you show them that this swamp is a “family”. Where dad walks and mom endures.
The good news is that you both have a chance to meet your love and a chance to find YOUR happiness! Let each other go in peace and part as friends (if you have children, this friendship will be useful to you).
Forgive
If you decide to give your relationship a second chance, go to negotiations, discuss complaints and grievances, and correct mistakes.
If possible, go on vacation together or stay in a hotel for 2-3 days. And most importantly, if you decide to move on together, then only on the condition that this does not happen again. And never think about betrayal! If it happens again, you will have to leave.
Shut your mouth!
Don't tell anyone anything! Make peace - it will be a shame that you forgave it. If you break up, it’s a shame that you were cheated on (everyone cheats on you, but you are not everyone...).
What is fidelity in a love relationship?
Loyalty is a choice that each partner regularly makes for himself. Or he doesn’t if he commits treason. Loyalty is not something that comes naturally, but something that a person chooses.
Being in a love triangle is also a choice. Your choice if you are currently in such a relationship.
This is not an accident, it is your conscious or unconscious choice. You either made the decision (consciously or not) to cheat, or you agreed to continue the relationship in which you were cheated on. Either they agreed to be the third participant in the relationship, they agreed to be a mistress.
And in the same way, at any moment you can make a decision for yourself, make a choice - to be faithful to your partner. And be only with the person next to you who is faithful to you.
The boundaries of fidelity may differ for different people. For one, fidelity is just the absence of sex with another person. And for others, even correspondence on social networks with a person of the opposite sex, which does not imply only business communication, is already treason.
And one of the problems of fidelity in a relationship is when partners have different ideas about it, different boundaries of what is acceptable. Therefore, it is important to understand and discuss with your partner:
- What does loyalty mean to you? What does fidelity mean to your partner?
- What is acceptable and unacceptable for you? What does your partner consider acceptable and unacceptable?
And even if suddenly your ideas about fidelity and the boundaries of what is permissible differ. Then, if you make this moment conscious in your couple, discuss it, discuss it with each other, then you can come to some kind of agreement that will suit both of you.
And then even your differences on this topic may not become a hindrance to your relationship.
What should wives do?
My only advice to women: take care of yourself. And then your husband will take care of you, or he will no longer be your husband). If she is interested in being alone with herself and she is happy, then he will be drawn to a developed and happy wife.
Fall in love with your husband! Again. If you loved him at all or he deserves it. Every person has something worth appreciating. (Or do you value only for money?! Then don’t play the victim and don’t suffer!).
The man reacts to the picture. Take it for granted. Once again, take care of yourself. Make yourself beautiful, attractive first of all for yourself! And then he will pay 100% attention to you and the reaction of other men.
Finally, go in for sports. Keep yourself busy. Read, find a hobby for yourself. You will have no time and no interest in keeping an eye on your husband. And he will get tense if he sees that you have interests other than him, children and home.
In addition, if you break up (he leaves for his mistress or you finally get tired of fighting for someone for whom you are not valuable enough to be the only one), you will have self-confidence and a source of existence.
Start seeing the virtues in your man and tell him about them. Praise your man. Build his self-esteem!
Who benefits from this?
Breaking the Karpman triangle is very, very difficult, because being in it is beneficial to all participants in the process.
- You don’t have to take responsibility for your decisions – it’s always someone else’s fault
- There is always the opportunity to experience strong emotions (even if they are only a surrogate for real feelings, but how easy it is to get them).
So it turns out that the Victim absolutely does not want to completely get rid of the Persecutor. And the Rescuer, in turn, does not want to help the Victim finally solve the problem - otherwise who will he save? No, the Victim wants to receive as much attention and care as possible, the Persecutor experiences righteous anger and a desire to punish all the “guilty”. The rescuer experiences a sense of omnipotence and superiority.
What should men do?
Open your eyes and take care of your wife! Or someone else will take care of it...
If you are ready to forgive cheating, let your woman know that you value and respect her and that you can be romantic. Cherish it. For the rest, the wife herself will help you, doing everything to ensure that the memory of the betrayal remains a bad dream. If you want to have sex with your wife, you can discuss this option. But only according to the rules and be sure to listen to her. If the answer is “No”, don’t risk your feelings and future for the sake of fantasy.
What should lovers do?
Save yourself! Go away. Run without looking back! You are paying too much for these rare hours of happiness: time irrevocably wasted on waiting, youth and the opportunity to have children with your beloved husband, health due to nerves, sexual dissatisfaction, feelings of resentment towards the entire male world, and feelings of guilt before the female world...
Know that you can get out of your love triangle !
How to get out of a love triangle? Samoilov method
If the numerous, sad stories of others are not enough for you, and you console yourself with the thought that “it’s not the time yet,” then I suggest you set this time yourself: tell your loved one that you can’t stand it anymore, you want a family with him and... you will wait for him another 3 months.
No meetings. And if, after this period, he does not come with suitcases and a passport with a divorce mark (or a copy of the divorce petition from the court), then you consider yourself a free woman and open to relationships with other men.
Reasons for the emergence of non-standard relationships
As a result of a survey of married couples who experienced a love triangle, psychologists found that it is usually formed under the influence of such factors:
- The mirage of sincere intimacy in relationships . If a partner is dissatisfied with the chosen one for some reason, then this provokes him to search for the missing feelings and impressions in the other person. At the same time, he continues to behave absolutely normally with his lover, without showing him any irritation or reproaches.
- Complete mismatch of interests . The saying that “opposites attract” is only true at the very beginning of a relationship, but in reality, if people have nothing in common, they quickly tire of each other’s differences. As a consequence, attempts inevitably arise to fill the “spiritual vacuum” with the help of outside connections.
- Lack of mutual respect . How long will a relationship last in which one of the participants constantly yells at the partner or perceives him as an inferior person? Psychologists are sure that they can last for an eternity if the person on whom anger is being vented in the current union finds himself a “vest for complaints,” that is, a person who is able to give him tenderness and love without unnecessary aggression.
- The need to take revenge for an imaginary betrayal . If one of the tandem participants is jealous, then he is quite capable of revenge for the non-existent affair of the chosen one. What will it be expressed in? As a rule, in treason. That is, the one who was afraid of betrayal himself became a traitor. And at the same time the founder of a love triangle.
- Lack of intimate variety in sexual life . Everything is simple here, one of the partners is looking for new sexual experiences in casual relationships on the side. Especially often, this reason provokes the emergence of a love triangle in couples who have lived together for a long time and have become fed up with each other in the bedroom.
- Protest of a suppressed personality . In unions where a man or woman is a tyrant, the suppressed subject sooner or later has an irresistible desire to take “revenge”, avenging years of insults by betraying them with a person who will not bully or humiliate them.
- Old age crisis . In men and women, it manifests itself in the form of a temptation to find a partner who will be much younger than themselves. Thus, they are trying to regain their lost youth and again feel their own attractiveness and sexuality.
The price of a love triangle | Yaroslav Samoilov
