Is it possible to fall in love in 49 minutes and 36 questions? As research by Arthur Aron, a professor at Stony Brook University (USA), shows, it is indeed possible to fall in love. To do this, Arthur Aron and a group of researchers developed certain questions that need to be answered and asked to each other sequentially. In the experiment, 45 minutes were allotted for questions. And then 4 minutes to look into each other's eyes. After the end of the experiment, one couple even got married [The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings].
There are other facts confirming the effectiveness of the Arthur Aron questionnaire. For example, in 2015, Mandy Len Catron shared her story in The New York Times about her experience with the 36 Questions [To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This]. She says that she conducted the experiment with her friend. They were already in love with each other and their relationship was just beginning, despite the fact that they had known each other for a long time, from university. Their experiment was conducted not in a laboratory, but in a bar. Mandy and her friend took turns answering questions and it took them over an hour and a half. After the questions, they looked into each other's eyes for four minutes. And, as Mendy herself says, Aron’s method helped them realize they were in love, create trust and feel closeness.
Arthur Aron and a group of researchers developed a system of questions - 36 in total. The questions are divided in such a way that they allow you to gradually discover and get to know each other. Questions, as if in a spiral, help to dive into a person, delicately revealing new sides, while maintaining personal boundaries. This creates the magic of intimacy with another person. And it is for this purpose that the questionnaire was developed.
The value of time increases every day, and these questions help establish a closer relationship, even if you have different views on certain things. Spend about one hour and get closer - isn't it tempting?
Where did it all start?
When Arthur Aron was a student, he fell in love with Elaine Spaulding. Soon she became his wife. They both studied to become psychologists and at that time Aron was looking for an object for his research. After meeting, Arthur and Elaine realized that they wanted to explore relationships between people, namely how intimacy, trust and love arise. There was very little information on these topics. So, in 1997, Arthur Aron, along with Elaine and a group of other researchers, conducted an experiment to intentionally create emotional intimacy between strangers in a laboratory setting. And the most interesting thing is that the experiment did not aim to create love between couples [36 Questions for Intimacy, Back Story]. However, as the experiment and subsequent use of questions showed, this is an excellent chance to fall in love.
The experiment was conducted on student volunteers from Stony Brook University. Volunteers split into pairs, took turns asking each other questions and answering them for 45 minutes, and then looked into each other’s eyes. Many attempts were made before the famous 36 questions were born. After each experience, Arthur Aron and his team of researchers determined the most effective questions to help gradually share personal information and become emotionally closer. The result is a strategically thought-out series of questions that promotes not only rapprochement, but also falling in love. Only for the second one it is necessary that the couple already like each other.
Unusual experiment
The most important sign of a spiritual connection is openness. Only by fully opening up to each other and sharing more information about yourself will you become closer and your connections strengthen. An article appeared in one of the American newspapers that if you want to love someone, then ask him special questions, and links were given to Dr. Aron's research.
Yes, during the experiment one couple actually fell in love and even got married.
But the purpose of the experiment was not this at all, but an attempt to bring people closer together. This experiment involved college students who were asked to play a game with 36 question cards divided into three parts.
It was necessary to give answers for each block within 15 minutes . At the same time, participants could not necessarily answer all the proposed questions.
Interestingly, there were more girls in the study.
But this is not even interesting, this is how it always happens.
How do 36 questions work?
Aron's full list of 36 questions was originally published in an academic journal of social psychology more than 20 years ago. The questions have not changed since then; they work and have remained relevant in our time.
The list starts with superficial questions (e.g., if you could invite anyone to dinner (a loved one, a deceased relative, a celebrity), who would you choose?) and gradually moves down to more personal ones, providing an opportunity to learn about dreams, regrets, values and priorities (you will get to know the rest of the issues a little later). Conducting an experiment, Arur Aron came to the conclusion: “Gradual self-disclosure works best. You don't want to open up quickly and completely" [36 Questions That Can Lead to Love].
Questions have three important components and help:
- show interest in the interlocutor;
- create understanding and, as a result, trust;
- establish rapport.
We can say that these are the three pillars on which it is possible to build and maintain relationships. The 36 questions are open-ended and deep, and they aim to elicit sincere and thoughtful responses. With their help you can learn a lot of new things about yourself.
A huge advantage is the short time in which you can learn more about a person than in weeks of communication:
- values;
- priorities;
- dreams;
- interests;
- character traits.
Thanks to this information, you can already say a lot about a person and even predict his behavior and the possible further development of relationships.
Consistent answers to questions allow you to see vulnerable and intimate parts that are hidden in front of other people. And such secret corners of us are revealed only to close people. It is worth noting that the questionnaire will help you fall in love only if the partners already have sympathy. Otherwise, it will simply help you become closer to each other emotionally.
Arthur Aron's questionnaire is also effective for already established couples. Answers to non-standard questions allow you to look at your partner in a new way. Unexpected pauses, emotional reactions and atypical responses awaken the senses. Exposure of weaknesses, confessions and understanding help create and strengthen emotional connections.
DISCOVER YOUR VULNERABILITY
According to the psychoanalyst, close relationships arise here rather than as a result of the exchange of intimate confessions, but due to the fact that two people expose their weakness. “That’s why,” she continues, “this questionnaire is also effective for already established couples. Over time, we come to the conclusion that we know each other perfectly well, and this kills the feeling of love. Questions are interesting because they force us to again notice the strange and unfamiliar sides of another, when we are surprised by his answers, his pauses, his emotions. They put us in a situation of uncertainty, and it is this detachment that makes us desirable and awakens desire within ourselves.” Sophie Cadalen, like Mandy Len Catron, explains that this exercise only awakens dormant or unconscious love feelings, but does not create it. Luckily for us, love has not yet been produced in laboratories.
Spend about an hour in a quiet place. Answer the questions one by one. Speak with an open mind, do not take notes, and do not comment on your partner’s answers. Be as sincere as possible. From the first to the third part of the questionnaire, the degree of intimacy increases; You can pause between parts. At the end, look into each other's eyes for four minutes.
Get closer
In the experiment, Arthur Aron allocated 45 minutes for questions with answers and 4 minutes for looking, eye to eye. As practice shows, it takes a little more time. Take an hour and try to retire to a place where you won't be disturbed. Take turns answering and asking questions to each other. Try to be frank, non-judgmental and try to understand your partner. The questions are divided into three groups and with each group the intimacy of the answers increases naturally:
Part #1:
- If you could invite anyone to dinner (a loved one, a deceased relative, a celebrity), who would you choose?
- Would you like to be famous? What?
- Do you find yourself rehearsing your lines before making a call? Why?
- What would your “perfect day” be like?
- When was the last time you sang alone? And for someone else?
- If you could live to be 90 and have either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years, which would you choose?
- Do you have a secret premonition about how you will die?
- Name three traits that you think both you and your partner have.
- What are you most grateful for?
- If you could, what would you change about the way you were raised?
- In 4 minutes, tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow with one skill or ability, what would it be?
Part #2:
- If a magic crystal could tell you the truth, what would you want to know?
- Is there something you've been dreaming of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done this yet?
- What is the greatest achievement of your life?
- What is most valuable to you in friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your worst memory?
- If you knew you were going to die in a year, what would you change about the way you live? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What role do love and tenderness play in your life?
- Take turns telling your partner his positive traits (exchange five characteristics).
- Are your family relationships warm and close?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Part #3:
- Make up three statements each that are true for both of you. For example, “We both feel now...”
- Continue the phrase: “I wish there was someone with whom I could share...”
- If you were going to be a close friend to your partner, what would you tell them that you want them to know about you?
- Tell your partner what you like about him; speak directly, say things that you might not say to a casual acquaintance.
- Share with your partner an unpleasant situation or an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When was the last time you cried in front of someone? What about alone?
- Tell your partner what you already value about him or her.
- In your opinion, what topic is too serious to joke about?
- If you had to die before the end of the day today without speaking to anyone, what unsaid thing would you regret most? Why haven't you said this yet?
- Your house and all its belongings caught fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to run into the house and save something else from the flames. What would you take? Why?
- Which member of your family would upset you the most if you died? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner how he would handle it. Then ask him what he thinks about your feelings about the issue.
Once completed, look into each other's eyes for 4 minutes. And share your impressions.
Valentine's Day - Day of Love
Valentine's Day, which will come to us on February 14, is considered the most romantic holiday.
It is celebrated in most countries of the world. For 1,500 years now, people have been declaring their love to each other through flowers, gifts, letters, fiery words, and “Valentines.”
The holiday is associated with the name of St. Valentine. Why did they suddenly start calling him that? There is a romantic legend about a Christian preacher who, in 269, despite the protests of Emperor Claudius II, secretly married soldiers to their loved ones.
Saint Valentine not only married, but also reconciled those who had quarreled, composed letters with declarations of love, and gave bouquets to those who had recently gotten married.
There is a legend about Valentine himself. The jailer's daughter fell in love with him. She was blind. But the priest, who had taken a vow of celibacy, could not reciprocate her feelings. On the night before his execution, February 13, he wrote her a tender letter, where he told her about his feelings.
After the execution of the priest, she received this message and received her sight. That’s why today everyone writes “Valentines” with a confession of their feelings. After 200 years, Valentine began to be considered a Saint and the patron saint of all lovers.
Good for those who have fallen in love. What should those young boys and girls do who just can’t find love?
Summarizing
Arthur Aron's 36 questions help you feel close to another person. And if you chose each other consciously or on a subconscious level (which our subconscious does not always report to us), then you can fall deeply in love with your partner. The questionnaire seems to turn serious topics into humorous and light ones. By answering these questions, you mutually open up to each other, slowly and gradually.
Answers help you better know not only the other person, but also yourself. Some questions may be quite unexpected. Values, interests, priorities, desires and character traits help to see a deeper image.
Arthur Aron's questionnaire helps two people get closer in a short period of time. You will only need about one hour for the experiment.
The essence of the questions is to gradually open up to the other person. The questions deepen with each subsequent group, while maintaining personal boundaries. The 36 Question Method is a well-designed system based on hundreds of subjects. The important thing is to be open and seek understanding. Success depends on reciprocity. The Arthur Aron Questionnaire is a great way to speed up the rapprochement process.
Do you want to improve communication with your loved ones, colleagues and acquaintances? Take our course, which contains the best communication techniques: family and relationships, dating and maintaining a conversation, negotiations and disputes and many others!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Stages of team formation according to Tuckman
- Sternberg's three-part theory of love
- Sue Johnson, The Feeling of Love. A New Scientific Approach to Romantic Relationships"
- 7 levels of communication according to A. B. Dobrovich
- Marshmallow experiment
- Seven Questions When Creating a Business Strategy
- What is conformity and how to avoid it
- Questions to Find Meaning and Happiness
- How metaphors change the way we think about our own experiences.
- Why ask questions?
Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships
SEE WITH NEW EYES
Arthur Aron realized that he had partially revealed the secret of love: vulnerability and intimate confessions create an environment in which the flame of feelings easily flares up. But with one caveat: the questionnaire causes love only in those who have already chosen each other, consciously or not. This is not surprising, the unconscious of the two recognizes and chooses each other; All that remains is to give the desire a chance to turn into a feeling.
During the experiments, it became clear that the questionnaire can “bring together” not only lovers, but also friends. Since the publication of the article in The New York Times, the evidence has been mounting. Stories of love, friendship, reconciliation... there are so many of them that Mandy Len Catron is preparing a book on this topic, The Love Story Project. Intrigued, we asked psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen, a specialist in couples relationships, to share her opinion with us. “I was puzzled,” she admits, “because I could answer few questions quickly. It was difficult to give short answers. The power of this exercise is probably that it throws us off balance. It makes us hesitate, doubt, choose... But what defines us as a person is questions rather than answers. The questionnaire allows us to capture the moment when we are especially close to our real selves.”
Look into the soul of a wanderer
20 years ago, a psychologist named Arthur Aron compiled a list of 36 questions that could accurately sum up the question “To love or not to love?” This list fell into oblivion and was lost in the heap of other proposals for effectively finding a partner, until it was discovered by writer Mandy Len Catron. She applied this technique on herself and was able to find her happiness. This was followed by online publications and an emotional TED talk. Such a bold step stirred up the public, and 36 issues became relevant again.
The essence of the technique is to get to know your interlocutor better and look into his soul. Of course, attacking with personal questions is not the best strategy for a first date or a simple acquaintance. However, this method has its own attractiveness and undoubted effectiveness.
