Unrequited love happens in the life of almost every person, putting him before a difficult choice. What to do if this happens to you? Is it possible to avoid suffering or quickly get rid of it? How do psychologists advise dealing with unrequited love? Is there any point in fighting and are we able to take control of it? The answers are in the article below.
What is unrequited love
Already in the words “unrequited love” lies the definition of this phenomenon. Of course, we are talking about love that is left without reciprocity. It depends only on us how these feelings will affect our personality, self-esteem and future life. Of course, the ideal development of the situation is to “get over it” and move on, having learned the necessary lessons from the incident. Unfortunately, other stories related to unrequited love also happen: a person begins to concentrate on feelings, delving into them and simultaneously dragging himself into a long-term depression.
First actions
You realized what happened: you were stuck in unrequited love. Of course, it is impossible to save yourself with universal advice on how to get out of this situation.
Take advantage of the advice, which often causes rejection and rejection, but following it is inevitable, you will still come to it, no matter what path. The first thing to do is grieve. Yes, allow yourself this! You are in pain, and you cannot keep this pain inside yourself, thereby cultivating it and storing it inside. No, you have to let her out. Of course, this does not mean that you now need to spend years suffering and being obsessed with the person who rejects you. Do you want such a fate for yourself? Apparently not. An evening (maximum of a week) will be enough to throw out all the negative emotions associated with unrequited love.
Note that your goal is to throw out the negativity, not wallow in it. Cry while watching videos and photos, share your experiences with a friend, mother, watch films and clips about unrequited feelings. It will be painful and difficult, but at some point (it will come sooner than you think) you will begin to notice that you seem to be cleansing and getting rid of the heaviness. This is natural and logical: you remove the burden from your heart, it becomes easier. Of course, it is better to go through this stage right away. Don't think that pushing your emotions inside will get rid of them. They just show up at the wrong time.
Analyze
Often, faced with unrequited love, and realizing that this feeling needs to be gotten rid of, lovers prefer to completely isolate themselves from it, not noticing and ignoring it. At some stage this will work, but first try not to forget what happened, but to analyze it well. Follow the previous advice and don’t live with your worries, throw them out. At the same time, it is not only not prohibited, but even recommended to think about the person for whom you feel unrequited love. This is not about imagining a possible happy future together. Don’t fantasize, but think sensibly: why didn’t it work, maybe it’s a matter of incompatibility? And from this follows the next point.
Debunk
Look at the object of adoration soberly. Love is “intoxicating”, and this expression appeared for a reason. Ask your friends or family to tell you their thoughts on why your love was not reciprocated. Usually people in love negatively perceive negative information about their loved one, but try to assume that everything told to you is true. If unrequited love has happened to you not for the first time, then you probably know that after a while events are seen completely differently, and moments always pop up in your memory about which you think: “They immediately told me that he was dishonest, but I didn’t listen.” " Let's assume that this time, too, the negative information about your chosen one may well be true.
If no one speaks out about a person who worries you (due to unfamiliarity with him or unwillingness to talk about him), then, for sure, you yourself can analyze the situation and understand what shortcomings he has. This is exactly what you should focus on - his negative traits. They are common to everyone. Do you think this person is an exception? Then perhaps you don't know him very well yourself. Playwright Lope de Vega Fr. Of course, this line applies to both sexes.
Is it worth confessing your feelings?
You can only talk about love if you are absolutely sure that he is not indifferent to you. But the guy needs to confess competently. It shouldn't be an interview style where you sit across from each other, look him in the eye and say, "Misha, I really like you." No, make it more natural. While walking together, suddenly gently say, “It’s so easy for me to be with you (pleasant, cool)” or “I’m very glad that we know each other.” This will be a signal for the guy, and he will begin to reciprocate.
Another great hint for your feelings is embarrassment. If you don’t know how to blush, then at least just lower your eyes during particularly tender moments of communication with him.
Your excitement can also tell a guy a lot. Therefore, if you suddenly knock over your glass out of awkwardness or start talking, this will also work to your advantage.
How to avoid becoming a victim of unreciprocated love
In order not to become a victim of unrequited love, you need to clearly understand how this unhealthy feeling appears? It is not for nothing that such a state is periodically compared to obsession, because when it comes to true love, there is an exchange of energies, but not a “one-sided game.”
Looking for reasons in childhood
Do people sometimes reject those who love and love those who avoid them? When many problems of a psychological nature arise (non-reciprocal love falls into this category), experts often say that the reasons should be sought in childhood. Try not to brush aside these words, and really remember how everything happened in those years. Many girls were in love with the leader of the class, and many boys were in love with the brightest classmate. Of course, these objects of affection could not reciprocate everyone. Someone had to be left with a feeling of unrequited love. Do you remember if you fell into this category? Your sympathy did not lead to the desired outcome, and you experienced an “unclosed gestalt.”
However, this story could have begun not at school, but in the family. Many parents did not have enough time for their children. Perhaps the reason is other children, or work, or some personal problems. The reasons don't matter anymore because they won't change the fact that you felt rejected. To deserve attention, you had to somehow contrive, and this scheme became stronger in your mind. It has become common for you to fight for the expression of other people’s feelings, and you have carried this tendency into adulthood.
Perhaps it's not about this person you fell in love with. With a different experience in childhood, probably at the first signs of non-reciprocity or emotional coldness, you would have switched to someone else, but life attitudes dictate a different development. It no longer occurs to us that a person may not be “ours.” Rather, we think that we didn't try hard enough to attract him.
"Adult" reasons
We have already realized that people who did not receive enough attention in childhood often experience feelings of unrequited love. However, sometimes the reasons that provoke a craving for the “inaccessible” are formed in adulthood.
Study the list of these reasons, and if they make themselves felt, then begin to fight them directly, and then, probably, your oppressive feeling of non-reciprocal love will disappear after that.
- Low self-esteem, lack of confidence
. People who have a tendency to devalue their own personality subconsciously do not consider themselves worthy of a chosen one. When they find a mate, they usually feel that they are somehow not a match for their other half, who seems to them smarter, prettier, more popular, more interesting, or overall better. Underestimating himself, such a person subconsciously accepts the disdain and agrees with it, believing that he deserves it. Women who fall into this category often find themselves victims of domestic tyrants. - "Victim" in life
. Often such people are not aware of their position, but it is clearly visible to others. Remember if someone told you a similar phrase: “Stop playing the victim”? This means that you really have an inclination, and it is not surprising that you are inclined to sacrifice your life, dignity, time and much more for the sake of non-reciprocal love. Of course, you are accustomed and even comfortable to find yourself a victim of circumstances, suffering from irresponsibility and not influencing the course of affairs. Over time, this position ceases to evoke pity. You need to get out of such relationships, and not feel sorry for yourself. - The need for strong emotions and feelings
. Such people are also called “energy vampires,” and vampirism can manifest itself in different ways. Usually we are talking about a strong need to feed negative emotions and experiences. Some are satisfied with the usual squabbles and quarrels, but for others this is not enough. Life without serious suffering seems impossible to them, and they easily plunge into these emotions - it is much easier to receive negativity from life than to strive for positivity. - Loneliness
is a common reason for falling into unreciprocated love. When experiencing loneliness, it is quite natural that we need human warmth. The object of love can be a completely random person who has shown at least the slightest sign of attention - this becomes enough to think about him constantly and come to the conclusion that true love has settled in the heart. Lonely people have a lot of time for fantasies that lead to such consequences. - Financial, housing difficulties
. It sounds mundane and unromantic, but such a topic can also be an impetus for non-reciprocal feelings. More often, girls who do not have the opportunity to live separately from oppressive parents or who are experiencing financial difficulties are susceptible to this. It begins to seem to them that their beloved would “save” them from troubles and help them solve them. Meeting a more or less suitable person makes you see him as a potential savior and, accordingly, love. We are not even talking about cold calculation - a girl can really believe that she has fallen in love, fantasizing how wonderful they would live together (as opposed to the present). Having realized that it is precisely about the desire to escape from difficulties, concentrate on solving them.
How does love arise?
Here it is already possible to put forward many theories about how love arises. Perhaps all of these theories are true and manifest themselves to some extent in each individual case. How love arises:
- At the hormonal level , when a person’s brain begins to produce certain hormones of happiness and excitement at the sight of a beloved partner.
- At the level of associations , when a person on a subconscious level chooses a certain type of people as his partners. Here we can recall the theory that men choose women who are like their mothers, and women choose men who are like their fathers.
- At the level of interest , when a person falls in love with those who were able to attract his attention, interest, surprise, amaze.
- At the level of lack of merit . The theory has been put forward that people often choose those they want to be like. Since people are not ideal, they often work to eliminate their shortcomings and have the benefits they need. When people meet who have attractive character traits or necessary benefits, attachment (dependence) arises, often confused with feelings of love.
- At the level of external attractiveness . Simply put, “whoever it is” is the person who falls in love. Of course, such love does not last long. As soon as a partner gets enough of the appearance and novelty in his soulmate, he begins to get bored and again looks for interesting personalities.
In fact, it is quite difficult to say how love arises, since for each person it begins in different situations and for different reasons. However, this does not in the least affect whether it will be mutual. The information provided should show that love does not arise once in a person’s life, sometimes it is short-lived and is formed for various reasons.
What to do if you love, but you are not there
Many people believe that unrequited love only brings negative experiences, leaving bitterness and tears. If you have already done everything possible to attract the attention of your chosen one, but in return you do not get what you want, then try to distract yourself from the object of sympathy and realize that you can benefit.
The benefits of unrequited love
This idea may seem absurd and clichéd at first, but you can actually benefit from what is happening. Many people know the common expression that “if fate threw a sour lemon, then you need to make lemonade from it.”
If you have not already achieved reciprocity, then think about the positive aspects of the condition:
- Learning perseverance and willpower
. Non-reciprocal love builds character well. We have to learn endurance and take care even in difficult conditions of rejection. - Let's learn to appreciate
. Faced with non-reciprocal love, we learn to appreciate any signs of attention from a loved one. Usually in the situation under discussion there is little attention, it is especially valuable and is reproduced in memory more than once. When we meet mutual love in the future, we do not treat it as something natural - it becomes even more beautiful than it would have been before unrequited love. - Let's become more attractive
. This is what happens more often. Having failed to arouse the proper interest in the person we like, we try to change ourselves, and, as a rule, these changes happen for the better. Men usually become more interested in sports, and often turn their new hobby into a good habit. Women experiment more often with their appearance, begin to take care of themselves more carefully, and the results are not long in coming. - Let's become more inventive
. Having fallen in unrequited love, many people begin to think about how to conquer their beloved (beloved), and these thoughts motivate them to take extraordinary and memorable actions. It is possible that the object of adoration will not appreciate the effort, but in the process of thinking about various surprises, we draw many interesting ideas from various sources, and they may be useful in the future. - Let's become more attentive
. This phenomenon also has a logical explanation. Mindfulness develops in several directions. Firstly, we begin to notice a person’s desires and hobbies in order to match them. Secondly, we become more attentive to his surroundings, trying to understand which people arouse his interest. - Let's learn to be more proactive
. Non-reciprocal love often adds initiative and perseverance to a character. If before we did not strive to manifest it, or simply did not know how, in such a situation everything changes. Since a person who is not interested in us does not show himself in any way, we have to do this, simultaneously discovering new previously unknown facets in ourselves. - We take care of other people's feelings
. Of course, after experiencing unrequited love, some begin to take revenge on others, breaking their hearts and forcing them to go through various levels of suffering. Most people, on the contrary, learn tolerance, kindness and compassion. How does this manifest itself? Often, when trying to break through the wall of someone else’s indifference, we remember how we demonstrated coldness to someone else’s expression of feelings. Having realized what this person was experiencing, we strive to apologize and show attention - something that we were not able to give before. And in the future, we will become more tolerant of other people’s manifestations of love and will not allow ourselves to be callously ignored.
Let us summarize the points listed above: having experienced unreciprocated love, we learn many useful lessons for ourselves and discover important facets that would have remained in the shadows if not for the encounter with indifference. The palette of feelings becomes wider, and imagination develops. We gain important experience in overcoming various internal barriers, fears, insecurities and complexes. Having learned these lessons, you should not position yourself as a “victim” of unrequited love.
Advice from a psychologist to get rid of unrequited love
Let's consider the two most common situations: a lover has fallen out of love, or simply rejects, or when he is not aware of the feeling of falling in love.
If the feelings have faded
- The most pointless thing in this case is hope and the desire to “return feelings.” It is incredibly difficult to follow advice, but you will understand that it is the only true one: you need to wait it out, get over the disease and not humiliate yourself in front of the person who rejects, ignores, and avoids you. How can this humiliation be expressed, for which you will definitely be unpleasant after a certain period? This refers to intrusive calls (and in this case they are all intrusive), excessive attention, attempts to call again and again for a conversation or a meeting. Yes, hope dies very hard, but you will have to do your best to contribute to this, finding within yourself all the willpower that is possible.
- Don't think that by making your partner feel sorry for you, you will make him fall in love or keep him. Usually such pity is inseparable from contempt and disgust. Be persistent and accept the fact that his (her) love is gone or is basically impossible. Do you think about the shortcomings that repel your lover? They love different people: the evil, the poor, and the stupid. It’s just that that person doesn’t love you - the main reason for the impossibility of this union. Let go of the indifferent and meet the loving.
- You’re not happy with the “victim” position, and do you really want to stop suffering by breaking free from the captivity of unrequited love? You abruptly cut off relationships, short calls, messages, any reminders. Don't look for reasons why you can't do this - rather, find opportunities to implement this urgent recommendation.
- Remember that almost everyone has encountered this situation at some point. This will pass. However, what will be remembered is how you behaved. Not just in your memory. Try to prove yourself with dignity, so that when this passes (which is inevitable) you will not be ashamed of your weakness. Trust your suffering to a friend, mother or psychologist, but not to a person who doesn’t care about you.
- It is important to clearly understand that such emotions are a psychological addiction, similar to alcohol or nicotine. It takes time for the body to forget about addiction. It won’t be easy, but it’s time to start training willpower, it will still come in handy - get at least some benefit from the relationship that is tormenting you. Don’t idealize your partner, and then you will understand that what makes him special in your eyes is only your love, but otherwise, in your destiny you have met and will meet more interesting people who are able to treat you better.
If he/she doesn't know about your feelings
There are only two possible developments in the situation: recognition or getting rid of non-reciprocal love. If recognition has occurred, but there has been no response, try to follow the advice above; if you cannot do this for some reason, then do not ignore these recommendations. Life has given you a test, accept it with dignity.
- Find negative traits in him (her)
. Sometimes a little thing is enough to make you disappointed in a person and lose interest. Perhaps this person is greedy, stupid, boorish, a cheater, or something from this category. - You yourself can distract yourself from unhappy love
if you really want it. Switch your attention to some other task that requires energy and time. It is possible that within a few days you will forget about your old feelings. Despite the obvious banality of this advice, most people prefer not to follow it, brushing off the fact that they “no longer have the strength to do anything.” Maybe you don't want enough to fill your life with something else. Pay attention to your figure - maybe it’s not as ideal as you wanted? Direct your energy in this direction. It definitely won’t get worse, but it will definitely get better. - Fill up the time
. This advice follows from the past, and yet: fill your time with useful and interesting things, do not give loving, suffering thoughts even a chance to take you captive. Meet with friends, go to the movies, the theater, visit exhibitions, find an interesting hobby, and so on. Make a plan for the month and you will see how much you can get done. Make a promise to yourself that in a month, if necessary, you will return to these thoughts, but in the meantime, great urgent things await you. - Pay attention to the opposite sex
. Try your hand at a dating site or in hobby groups if you think that among your acquaintances there is definitely no person who can interest you.
Prevention of unrequited love
If a girl feels sympathy for a guy, but he does not reciprocate her feelings, she should tell herself “stop!” You will not ask to visit people who do not want to see you, or become friends with a person who does not want your friendship. It's the same with love.
Already at the initial stage, you need to extinguish the flaring fire of unhappy love, otherwise it will turn into a flame that burns you from the inside. Try to find an interesting activity that will take your mind off your budding attachment. For example, skydive, scuba dive, or clean the stairs in your hallway. Good physical activity is an excellent cure for “exalted” suffering.
