"You're acting like a child!" What is infantilism and how to deal with it?

For the childish behavior of an adult, there is a very specific term: infantilism or infantilism. And then there are also differences in understanding this. The term “infantilism” is used both in psychology and medicine.

Only in medicine does this suggest mental retardation. And in psychology - a manifestation of immature, childish behavior in an adult. How does this manifest itself? Reluctance or inability to decide, analyze, draw conclusions, or take responsibility for one’s actions.

In this article:

Reasons for “childishness” in the behavior of adults. What are the signs of childish behavior in an adult? And what to do with childish behavior in an adult?

Content:

• Infantilism as a concept What behavior indicates infantilism?
• Causes of infantile behavior

Infantilism as a concept

Infantilism, also called immaturity, is social and/or emotional immaturity. Infans means “child” in Latin. The term “infantilism” was introduced by neurologist Ernest Lasegue in 1864, and since then it has been used in scientific literature.

What behavior indicates immaturity?

Infantility is expressed in the form of unbridled, undisciplined emotional behavior or a lack of age-appropriate self-knowledge. An adult man, for example, is offended by harmless remarks or competes with his own children, an adult woman plays with dolls or acts up like a baby.

Such people live carefree and recklessly - they can, for example, spend their salary on trifles.

They have problems making decisions, they may lack empathy and tact - they laugh at funerals, directly tell people what they look like.

When talking about children's behavior, it is worth distinguishing between concepts a little.
On the one hand, there is “childishness,” which is absolutely natural. It is even an advantage when a person has spontaneity, the ability to enjoy little things, spontaneity, openness to simple elementary emotions, and the ability to frolic. Such traits adorn a personality. On the other hand, there is “infantility,” which, instead of decoration, becomes a crutch that prevents a person from moving himself and protecting those who are nearby. — Nikolay Strelkov,

psychologist, psychotherapist, expert of the YouTube channel “Where are my children.”

Causes of infantile behavior

Pronounced childishness indicates a person’s great difficulties in managing himself.

In many cases, infantilism hides a deep fear of taking responsibility, a desire to hide in childhood in order to escape from the real world. Nostalgia for childhood is sometimes so strong that some people try to delay their entry into the adult world.

There are at least two groups of reasons for this behavior.

Upbringing

The causes of infantilism often lie in the peculiarities of upbringing. The problem appears when parents do not allow the child to make independent decisions, deliberately limit his freedom, and do not take him seriously.

As an adult, a person is not ready to build relationships with other people, and it can be difficult for him to find a job. If such people get married, all care for them falls on their partners. In marriage, the negative character traits of an “adult child” appear: selfishness, because the infant believes that the world revolves around him, inability to make decisions and use willpower. An “adult child” is not able to take care of himself at home, and if children appear in such a marriage, then responsibility for them falls entirely on the second spouse.

Diseases

Infantility can be interpreted as a character trait, but it can also be associated with certain diseases. These include disorders at the genetic level or changes resulting from severe injuries (especially traumatic brain injuries) and tumor diseases.

Infantilism can occur as a reaction to emotional trauma, such as sexual harassment, physical or psychological abuse. Infantile behavior can be observed in people with narcissistic or histrionic personality disorders and may be associated with depression or schizophrenia.

Reasons for “childishness” in the behavior of adults

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash
Psychologist Erik Erikson looked at the development of a child in a system of social relations. What kind of society does the child live in, what values ​​are offered to him, what problems must he solve.

Erikson identified eight stages in personality development. During the development process at each stage, the child comes into contact with different social communities and understands that he is connected with them. In childhood - with parents, brothers, sisters.

Then he joins the community of school and peer groups. Friends appear.

When you have to choose a profession, professional communities and colleagues appear. And with each community the child identifies himself and experiences his connection with it.

So, before the age of 20, a person’s identity is formed. This is when the system of values ​​and needs is determined, social roles and forms of behavior are formed in the future. And then it turns out that a person accepts himself in his relationships with the outside world, finds a place in society, which means he does not feel lost. And vice versa.

At each stage of development, a person acquires a certain quality (the so-called personal development). And this acquired quality remains for life. When it is formed, a person goes through crises in his development. That is, you have to choose either progress or regression.

How to become an adult when you've already grown up?

For example, trust in the world or distrust in the world. Independence or doubt, initiative or passivity. Competence or inferiority. Personal identity or misrecognition, intimacy or isolation. Productivity or stagnation, integrity or despair.

These are polar personality traits that are formed at the above-mentioned eight stages of development (according to Erik Erikson). So, incorrect living of one of the stages can ultimately result in the manifestation of infantile behavior.

How can this happen? As a result of excessive guardianship, parental pressure, or, conversely, complete connivance. A personality can develop in such a way that neither independence nor initiative is properly formed. And as a result, there is no need to talk about determination and independence.

Types of infantilism

Infantilism is a broad concept. It is worth listing its main types in order to understand how it manifests itself in various areas of life.

Psychological infantilism

The most common type. Psychological infantilism is usually diagnosed in adults who, despite the fact that they are many years old, behave like children: they are characterized by irresponsibility and problems with decision making.

People with signs of psychological infantilism perceive criticism negatively, strive to be the center of attention all the time, and sometimes say something without thinking.

They may have great difficulty establishing interpersonal relationships.

Mental infantilism

This type of mental disorder is distinguished by delayed mental development at a certain stage, which may be, for example, preschool age. This usually has something in common with mental retardation, cerebral palsy, and Down syndrome.

A child with fetal alcohol syndrome may also suffer from this type of infantilism. These are children from pregnancies during which the expectant mothers drank alcohol. Such people, as a rule, are very naive, emotionally unstable, have difficulty coping with their own emotions and may exhibit behavior that is inappropriate to the situation.

Emotional (children's) infantilism

Emotional infantilism is a disorder that occurs in children and adolescents. The symptom may be caused by a negative situation at home or at school and may occur, for example, due to a parent's divorce.

The child feels unloved, unwanted, unaccepted.

Lack of parental love, peer acceptance and low self-esteem can delay intellectual development.

This type of infantilism usually does not require the help of a psychologist and goes away on its own with age.

Pituitary infantilism

Pituitary infantilism is an endocrine disease caused by insufficient activity of the pituitary gland, which secretes growth hormone in humans. A deficiency of this hormone can lead to growth retardation. People with this type of infantilism are distinguished by dwarfism and an almost complete absence of puberty. However, this disorder is not usually accompanied by mental retardation.

Paraphilic (sexual) infantilism

This is a fairly rare type of infantilism. It presupposes certain sexual preferences: the victim does not want to be a mature lover, in intimate relationships he strives to take the role of a child. Such a person cares about everything related to babies: he wants to be dressed in typical children's clothes, for example, in pajamas with Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh. He likes it when there are a lot of soft toys in bed, he gets excited when his partner talks to him like a child.

Caution: children!

“Many of my friends have long had successful careers and have a stable income.
I still work as a waitress and constantly borrow money until payday. I’m already 37, but I have no family, no children, no normal job...” “My boyfriend constantly forgets his keys, loses his cell phones, doesn’t remember significant dates and is always late for meetings. He is already 28, and he is constantly broke because he often changes jobs - he is still looking for himself. I'm tired of being his mommy."

“My friend doesn’t work or study anywhere, she finds it boring. She eats, smokes, drinks beer, watches TV and hangs out with her friends all day long. She also loves to go shopping and buy everything she can get her hands on. She recently got a piercing. I feel like the parent of a teenage girl, even though she’s already 33.”

“My employee behaves like a child. She forgets to make important calls, constantly delays completing work, and comes up with various excuses not to attend serious negotiations.

I have to constantly remind her of what she needs to do, apologize to clients for delays in work. Often I finish the work for her.

Even though she is a sweet and helpful person, I find myself increasingly irritated because this behavior seems disrespectful to other people.

But she is an adult (she is 45!), with a family and two children! I’m increasingly thinking that it’s easier for me to work alone than with such an assistant.”

“I can’t communicate with my friend because I always feel like her old annoying relative - if we agreed to call, then I should call, if we agreed to meet, then only I remember about the meeting, if she can’t come, then even about it does not warn.

I think she gets a kick out of abruptly changing her plans and leaving the other person (not just me) confused. What to do if we suddenly meet, I must also decide.

She asks me for advice all the time and always gets annoyed when I give it. It is very difficult and tiring to work with her. I also want attention and warmth, but in our case the game goes to one goal.”

If you are familiar with this behavior, then you are dealing with a truly infantile person.

He behaves like a child who expects adults to solve all his problems. He constantly imposes responsibility on other people.

Characteristic signs of infantility

It is worth noting that infantilism is not affected by gender: it can manifest itself in women, men, and adolescents. But it is quite difficult to determine this problem in a child, because all children, in fact, behave childishly and naively.

General signs of an infant:

• the desire to relieve oneself of responsibility and shift responsibilities to others;
• reluctance to acquire new knowledge;
• inability to show concern for loved ones;
• emotionally immature behavior (inappropriate for age), inadequate reaction;
• lack of adequate assessment of one’s behavior;
• inability to solve problems;
• difficulties in career, at work;
• naivety, boastfulness;
• suggestibility, following other people's advice;
• inability to live in everyday life
• tendency to blame others for one's own mistakes.

The biggest fear of infantile people, which largely determines their personality in adulthood, is the fear of loneliness. They are very afraid to be alone. This condition is normal for a child: he is afraid to be alone because he cannot cope with difficulties on his own. For him to survive, someone adult is always needed nearby.

For an adult, this fear is subjective - it grows from childhood, childhood traumas, the understanding and feeling “that I alone, on my own, cannot cope with my life and solve problems on my own.” Therefore, infantas will hold on to the people nearby with all their arms and legs, just as people who cannot swim will hold on to a piece of a ship... Sometimes fear forces them to be close to those people who are physically dangerous to be near (abuse, etc. ).

— Nikolay Strelkov,

psychologist, psychotherapist, expert of the YouTube channel “Where are my children.”

Infantility in men

Many of us are familiar with the type of man who lives with his parents for a long time. This is a real child. An infantile man rarely creates his own family; often tired parents begin to offer him this or that option, but everything is fine with him: they will feed him, wash the dishes, wash him and buy him clothes. If marriage does take place, then the wife takes on the role of mother. The husband has fun with the computer, eats, sleeps, sometimes works, but in family relationships he plays the role of a child.

The first sign of male infantilism is selfishness.

This trait reflects a person’s fixation only on his own personality. If this quality is natural for a child, then the manifestation of pronounced egocentrism in adults is, at least, surprising.

An infantile man imagines himself as the center of the Universe; he is sure that everything around him was created only for him. Such men never doubt that they are right, therefore they do not notice the dissatisfaction of others at all.

The infantile man does not see the need to become the head of the family, content with a situation that does not require him to take on more responsibility than in an illicit relationship. In a conflict, it is difficult for him to understand what his spouse requires of him; he usually blames her for all problems.

The next sign is a lack of desire to make independent decisions and take on household chores.

Such husbands do not like to take initiative. Household affairs cause them great problems. A man's infantilism leads to his inability to make significant decisions - a lack of willpower interferes. Men with a childish character often choose as wives more mature women who are ready to show parental care, which allows them to remain children for a long time.

Infantility in women

A woman with a childish character resembles a little helpless girl - either her parents or her husband take care of her. According to a study conducted by American psychologists, 34% of infantile women behave like children, mostly only around a man, and 66% are constantly in the image of a frivolous girl.

True infantilism makes a woman's life chaotic and crazy - she constantly gets into adventures, she has many chaotic acquaintances. Her social circle consists mainly of people much younger than her.

The reason for a woman’s “false” immaturity lies in the need to get what she wants the easy way.

Instead of taking responsibility for her life, she dreams that someone else, for example, an adult and wealthy man, will take on her problems. When choosing a partner for life, she prefers to rely on the wealth, generosity, sense of responsibility and reliability of the partner. Demonstrating her defenselessness, she expects the hero to take custody of her.

Men love adventure - it gives them an adrenaline rush, and with a girly woman there is never a dull moment. You want to take care of her, protect her from all misfortunes, and treat her with special tenderness. It’s easy with her - she doesn’t think about the future, doesn’t start talking about having children, marriage doesn’t play a significant role for her. Next to women who behave childishly, men feel strength and experience, which, of course, has a positive effect on self-esteem.

Such women not only have an infantile character, but also take advantage of it. In an effort to win a man's attention, they try to appear fragile and sensitive, speaking in a childish, high-pitched voice. They can pretend to be hurt or unhappy if they know what they want.

An infantile woman can make a man believe that without his support she will feel very bad, and without him she will be lost. Instinct tells the man that the girl cannot be scolded, she must be protected - and the woman thus gets what she wants.

Infantilism in children

Not only adults, but also children are susceptible to infantilism.

Children's infantilism is manifested in the fact that children's gaming interests prevail over educational ones.

Such children are not able to deeply perceive the educational process and the requirements associated with it, or to exercise discipline, which, in turn, leads to maladjustment at school and outside it - this manifests itself in various social problems that negatively affect the mental state. Although such children are sometimes mistaken for being mentally retarded or autistic due to school maladaptation, they are quite productive and can apply learned concepts to new specific tasks.

The causes of childhood infantilism may lie in the peculiar conditions of the family. Often such children grow up in single-parent families or in conditions where the relationship between parents does not work out.

For example, a woman raising her son alone can be extremely strict and suppress masculine qualities in the boy. Therefore, the guy remains dependent longer and does not carry out independent actions. The causes of infantilism can be influenced by the characteristics of the crisis of adolescence, because its outcome determines how strong a person will be in the future.

If you, as parents, see that your child is not ready to take responsibility and is constantly trying to solve emerging problems at your expense, the main thing you must do is to “push” him away from you and stop solving his problems with the help of your resources . Try to give him independence and the opportunity to “lean on his wings.”

— Nikolay Strelkov,

psychologist, psychotherapist, expert of the YouTube channel “Where are my children.”

How to eliminate infantilism in children?

If parents notice that the baby is weak in character and childish, psychologists, as a rule, give the following recommendations.

• Communicate more and spend time with your child . When buying clothes and toys, give him a little freedom.
• Pay attention to the baby's social adaptation . It is usually difficult for such a child to communicate with peers. Find out why and try to solve the problem with him. The baby should feel confident. To do this, you can enroll your child in a section where there are many other children. He must gradually get used to the team and even solve some problems on his own.
• If necessary, contact a child psychologist . Often parents themselves encourage the child’s dependence and immaturity. The specialist sees the family from the outside and will give the elders the necessary instructions that will help correct the child’s development.

There is no point in starting a situation where an infantile boy grows into a “mama’s boy” rather than a man. If parents do not help their children at an early stage to get out of the networks of infantilism, in the future they will not receive an independent personality, but a human child.

Consequences: what does infantilism lead to?

Infantile person:

• self-centered (only his opinion and his rightness exist, only his feelings, desires and interests are important, the world revolves only around him);
• does not know how to act independently (he lacks willpower, he follows the path of least resistance and avoids solving problems);
• behaves frivolously (shifts personal responsibility for his actions and life onto other people);
• insolvent (lives as he has to, does not think about the future, does not care about his health and financial well-being);
• deprived of the ability to evaluate himself and his actions (unable to draw conclusions, learn lessons, generalize experience);
• dependent on others (cannot or does not want to take care of himself).

These traits cause significant difficulties in everyday life, in communications with the outside world and other people.

Why did you contact the "child"?

By posing as a savior, you feel superior, but at the same time you are “hiding” from your own problems. Remember that with your parental behavior you can turn a normal person into a real helpless monster.

One of my clients complained that her husband was a real punishment. He constantly complains, gets sick, does nothing around the house and is constantly in various kinds of depression. He behaves with her like a mother, and with other women he tries to seem like a real man.

After the conversation, we found out that she cares about him too obsessively and takes upon herself the solution to all his problems. With her controlling behavior, she deprived her husband of any opportunity to express himself and led him to dependence and helplessness, which, in turn, caused him to become seriously ill.

Simply put, with her care she manipulated him and forced him to remain helpless. And he, in turn, in order to continue to avoid taking responsibility, manipulated her, continuing to get sick endlessly, because this was the only way he could attract attention to himself.

If you constantly feel responsible for the relationship and for your partner, feel sorry for him, are afraid that he will disappear without you, then you are prone to the role of a rescuer.

Rescuers constantly choose partners to help. They find a person who seems to them vulnerable, fragile, abandoned, unhappy, helpless, and surround him with warmth, tenderness, and care.

The partner responds with gratitude, and the rescuer feels like a hero. It is very difficult to get out of such relationships because you always feel like the reward is just around the corner. The subconscious feeling of guilt that prompted one to enter into a relationship of this kind does not allow one to leave it, even when the person realizes his mistake.

Here are the reasons that may underlie this behavior:

You are “paying off” your children’s debts. Perhaps one of your parents suffered from a lack of attention, care, love, and you once tried to help him. This may occur in the event of a divorce or the death of one of the spouses. Now you try to compensate for this lack of love by saving your partner.

You want to feel superior and important. When you connect with a partner whose life is chaotic, you immediately begin to feel better, smarter, more efficient. By taking on the role of a hero, you turn a blind eye to your own shortcomings and weaknesses.

One of my clients, after divorcing a very successful wife, became so disappointed in himself that he constantly got involved with women much lower than him in status, intelligence and financial situation.

He built relationships in such a way that these women were completely dependent on him. Although he experienced constant irritation and disappointment from the incompatibility of characters, he could not break the vicious circle. This is how he regained his lost self-esteem.

You need to command. If you constantly find yourself in situations where you have to save your partner, you gain enormous power over him. This is one of the best ways to manipulate people.

If you are drawn to infantile people, think about whether you mistake pity and sympathy for love? There should be respect between partners, you should not only love your partner, but also be proud of him.

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How to distinguish an ordinary person from an infantile one?

The first is capable of self-control, can be responsible for himself and everything that happens to him, earns a living, knows how to wisely use its benefits, resolve conflicts and discuss problems, no matter what he does, no matter what he looks like and no matter what he loves. Behind a funny hairstyle and a children's sweatshirt with cartoon characters, the most efficient and responsible person can be hidden.

An infantile person constantly needs someone to take care of him.

He is not distinguished by the ability to keep up with the times, his desires, his life. He is unable to openly express his needs (let others puzzle over it) and is unable to provide for himself. He tries to manipulate people, but does not know how to work on himself and his relationships. At the same time, his clothes and appearance can be the most conservative.

Infantilism in relationships - how to live with an infantile person?

We decide to have a relationship with another person if he is responsible and mature. But sometimes people consciously or unconsciously choose an “adult child” to live with and are forced to take care of him in a relationship like a parent. In this case, you must always be prepared for the fact that your life partner may have problems with responsibility for his words and actions, difficulties in making decisions (including those related to relationships), and a negative reaction to criticism. We will have to do a lot for him and for him.

Causes of infantilism

Now a person lives in comfortable conditions, where almost any need is satisfied quickly and effortlessly. For the sake of example, we can compare the situation in our time and in the 16th century. At that time, life expectancy was approximately 20 to 35 years.

You either had to know and be able to do everything you needed by the age of 15; or die. So already at this age people started their own families. In our era, at the age of 15, a teenager is regarded practically as a child, completely dependent on his parents.

A simple test for immaturity

If you suspect traits of infantility in yourself, determine it by answering affirmatively to the following questions:

1. I don't like making important decisions on my own.
2. Sometimes I feel like I'm not mature enough to take on the tasks that life throws at me.
3. Sometimes I'm not very responsible.
4. I have problems accepting criticism towards me.
5. I like it when someone cares about me, shows a good attitude, takes responsibility for many things, helps me.
6. I trust all people and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
7. People around me think that I am too trusting and naive.

Have you given at least three positive answers? You are prone to infantile behavior. Our tips will help you correct some character traits.

Typical manifestations of infantilism

Financial irresponsibility

• a person throws money around, spends a lot of money on expensive trinkets - clothes, equipment, cosmetics, etc., often the salary ends on the very first day;
• borrows money, does not pay bills on time, does not plan their expenses, has no savings, exceeds the loan or generally lives off loans;
• does not stay long at one job, earns only when he is broke;
• hopes that you will help him sort out his money problems;
• does not like to repay debts on time or simply forgets about them.

An irresponsible attitude towards money often signals an irresponsible attitude towards people.

Unreliability

• the person is unpunctual, unnecessary;
• does not keep promises, forgets about everything, procrastinates when it comes to important matters, behaves irresponsibly;
• loses things, documents, stores information chaotically, cannot find the necessary things, files, etc.;
• He always hopes that someone will do it for him, will back him up.

Lack of purpose

• unable to act without the pressure of external circumstances;
• has difficulty planning the future; the very word “plan” causes him to panic or become irritated;
• often delays making decisions;
• when making decisions, always focuses on external factors and the opinions of others;
• he is already over 30, but he still hasn’t decided what to do in life, he often changes jobs because he “hasn’t found himself”;
• avoids various self-examinations and conversations about problems, because he does not want to see that the problem is in himself;
• he waits for someone to give him a big chance and always hopes for a miracle.

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How to get rid of immaturity? Does it need to be treated?

Not all types of infantilism require treatment.

In the case of pituitary infantilism, which is classified as a pathological condition, it is necessary to diagnose the disorder and carry out hormonal therapy. Sexual infantilism is subject to psychotherapy by a sexologist. However, if partners do not experience discomfort, treatment is not necessary. The same is true with childhood infantilism, which can go away with age. If the child’s development is significantly hampered, consultation with a specialist is necessary.

In the case of mental infantilism associated with a specific mental disorder, specialized treatment is necessary, including psychological therapy and rehabilitation. They are aimed at eliminating not only the consequences of infantilism, but also treating the disorder that caused it.

In the case of the most common - psychological - infantilism, treatment is advisable when it significantly interferes with normal functioning, for example, contributes to problems at work. The rest of your behavior can be adjusted independently.

Learn to be rational

Make it a rule not to make decisions right away. Set yourself a time limit (for example, 5 minutes) during which you must analyze the situation.

Learn to empathize and understand other people's feelings

Force yourself to ask others for their opinions every day, especially in controversial situations. You don't have to accept someone else's point of view, but you should be able to hear and understand it.

Get rid of egocentrism

You are not the only person on the planet. You don't have to sacrifice yourself, but you do need to develop selflessness. Social peace is based on mutual respect and concessions. Before talking about yourself, take an interest in the other person’s affairs, ask him if he is tired after a day of work, how his day went.

Get away from the “I want it or I don’t want it” position, take the “should” position

Every person has not only desires and rights, but also responsibilities. Identify and become aware of them. If you live with someone, do your part every day: clean, cook, help financially.

Learn to make decisions

This will not only help your life, but also the lives of your loved ones. Plan your day, week, month, years ahead. Make a to-do list. Set immediate and distant goals, identify opportunities and means to achieve them. Set priorities with a long-term perspective. Every time there is a struggle between a want and a need, list the wins and losses. What ultimately outweighs in terms of value, then choose.