Hidden aggression: concept, signs, examples

Let's remember what aggression is. This is a consequence of a simple basic emotion - anger. We all know the expression of open anger - facial expressions, intonations, characteristic behavior. We have seen this more than once and are unlikely to confuse it. As a manifestation of a basic emotion, a person needs aggression to a certain extent: it allows him to react and protect his boundaries from others and, if necessary, attack. We do this both physically and verbally, the actions of the aggressor and the goal are quite clear. It must be said that in society it is not customary to openly show one’s aggression. This behavior is usually condemned and people are advised to learn to manage their anger. “With hidden aggression, other manifestation mechanisms are involved,” says Olga Turovtseva, family psychologist and coach. — Often hidden aggression is a suppressed expression of anger in a socially acceptable form. Hidden aggression appears where a person cannot express his anger openly. Aggressors use subtle, implicit methods of invading other people's boundaries, so victims of hidden aggression do not immediately notice what is happening. The hidden aggressor imposes feelings of inferiority, uncertainty or guilt on the other person, systematically violates the boundaries of the other under the guise of caring, ignores, etc. Hidden aggression can be either conscious, when a person understands what and why he is doing, or unconscious. If we talk about the reasons why a person uses hidden aggression, this is the structure of his personality, the characteristics of the environment in which he lived and developed. This behavior becomes a person’s way of responding to problems.” Often the source of this behavior is an inability to recognize and express negative emotions. People also resort to hidden aggression in situations where they cannot express their feelings directly. Such people are afraid of open conflicts and try not to openly talk about their desires. To avoid responsibility, they always shift it to others. It happens that a person uses hidden aggression as a tool to achieve his goal or for self-affirmation.

Explicit and hidden

As for obvious aggression, there is no need to explain anything; it manifests itself openly. Things are completely different with hidden aggression in psychology, because it may not be recognized as aggression at all. And not only in the eyes of the one at whom the “evil” is directed, but also for the aggressor himself. Often it can resemble caring and does not at all resemble aggression. The victim does not even try to resist, because she has no idea what is really happening. And this is perceived naturally, because how can you resist when they try to show concern for you, use seemingly innocent jokes, and seemingly sincere teachings. Society won't understand. Here the situation changes in the strangest way, the victim herself begins to feel guilty for perceiving negatively and resisting those who seem to want only the best. It's not far from the hidden threat here. And it is very convenient for the aggressor to use this. And often unconsciously, but the fact remains a fact. What are the signs of hidden aggression?

John, an Oxford graduate, meets his classmate Henry as a waiter in a very cheap restaurant and says to him: “Henry, in my nightmare I could not imagine that you, an Oxford graduate, would work as a waiter in such a run-down restaurant!” Henry (proudly): - At least I don't have lunch here!

This anecdote is a great example of disguised aggression, which we will talk about in this article.

Why do we need aggression and how to show it?

Oh, how wonderful it would be: people of equal status, equally worthy, endowed with intelligence, with developed feelings, equipped with communication skills, would come together in close relationships.

And, as soon as there is any dispute, misunderstanding or disagreement between them (a contradiction over what color kitchen to order, what brand of car to buy, or how to raise a child) - the spouses immediately realize the importance of the issue, put aside their vain affairs and begin to resolve their conflict, clarify and coordinate their interests and values, jointly develop necessary and effective solutions, and come to an agreement. And not just like that, but by respecting each other’s personal psychological boundaries. Without manipulation, insults, blackmail and assault. Culturally, consciously, sedately.

- Come on, the light of my eyes, choose the color of the kitchen yourself... Still, you will have to manage the kitchen more often...

“And you, my beloved falcon, will choose the make of the car yourself.” I don’t have much expertise in this matter.

Oh, how wonderful that would be!

But the fact is that all people, no matter who you take for a scrupulous analysis, are very, very different. And their opinions very rarely coincide one hundred percent. And when they encounter a disagreement, they perceive it as an incompatibility of blood type, as a fierce threat to their entire wonderful life. And let them use force, both physical and psychological, against the source of this threat. And here, broken plates may not be enough. Sometimes open aggression reaches a complete threat to life, health and prosperity.

You’ll sneak up on such debaters from behind, hug them affectionately and ask: “Why do you bully each other so fiercely?” And in response: “He violated my sacred psychological boundaries. Just taught me life, told me what, how and when to do! Here's more! I am a sovereign, independent person, I will not give up an inch of my freedom, like my native land, to the fascists! And he also got into the habit of using my toothbrush... This doesn’t go anywhere at all... Here I have nothing but indignation, indignation and protest...”

To defend yourself and your borders, your interests, your sacred values, aggression is exactly what is needed. It is only important to follow simple rules:

Don't hold onto your irritation for a minute. As quickly as possible, notice it in yourself and express it, voice it to your spouse or partner. Irritation, like garbage, tends to accumulate, overflow the cup of patience and turn into anger and rage. The consequences of an explosion can be very, very serious. Therefore, you need to “blow off steam” as soon as you notice it. As soon as you notice the boiling from within, you notice that something explosive is bursting inside you, you immediately need to transform it into something more useful and safe. After all, anger and irritation are, at the quantum level, just a clot of energy. Wherever you direct this charge, that’s the kind of work it will do. You can, for example, instead of smashing plates on your loved one’s head, do a general cleaning in the “hut”. And the energy will be grounded, and the house will become cleaner. Or you can chop wood or ring bells - as the classics of this genre have already shown us more than once.
The second recommendation of wise people, proven by the experience of thousands of years, is to take the most useful position in a dispute: “It’s not me against you, but we are together against the problem.” It doesn’t work out right away, but once it happens, it immediately bears full fruit.
The third piece of advice is not to generalize the negative , like, “You’re always only thinking about how to harm me, how to ruin my precious mood!” And more specifics and messages from the heart. Instead of "You're a fool!" talk more often about your feelings, hopes and aspirations. “I get very upset, Vanya, when someone uses my toothbrush.”

Why do we mask aggression?

But there's one more catch. Disagreements and contradictions in a conflict can only be openly discussed when the parties have approximately equal strength. And when there is no such verified balance, a special kind of problem arises.

If the forces are obviously unequal, temptation appears. For example, if one is a child and the other is an adult, if one is a simple driver on the road and the other is a traffic cop with shoulder straps, if one is a boss and the other is a subordinate. The temptation arises for the stronger that he may not take into account the interests and values of the weaker. Like, I’m right, and that’s all. And you keep quiet, what I tell you is what you will do.

Moreover, the powerful of this world (and each of us, dear readers, may find ourselves in this role) inspire the weaker that active resistance, any manifestations of aggression and anger are simply prohibited. It is not customary for us to shout at a traffic cop, stomp at a leader, or swear at a teacher or educator.

And why? But because it is more convenient to manipulate and influence, especially if the high-ranking person himself, for some reason, is not in a resourceful state. For example, an adult mother does not have the strength to argue with a child. Then she simply forbids it! And the child humbles himself. “Mom is sleeping, she’s tired, so I didn’t play!”

And what does this lead to in the future? Placed in an unequal role, the weak begin to use disguised aggression instead of open aggression. And they mask their aggression so subtly that it gradually becomes their habit.

What is the difference between open aggression and hidden aggression?

Spouses, for example, instead of openly expressing to each other during a quarrel who thinks what about whom, who thinks who is who, they begin to mask their complaints and tensions. Instead of carefully looking at the emotional wound and the sharp, splinter-like resentment, and sharing their feelings, they hide the wound under a bandage. And sometimes they do it so talentedly that even the bandage itself is not visible at all.

Do I need to tell you, my dear readers, that disguised aggression is much more common than ordinary aggression?

Once upon a time, a child was unable to openly defend his desires, dreams and habits under the pressure of an overly caring, overprotective mother; he became quiet and disguised himself: “But I don’t even want grapes!” He’s too green!” And over time, such disguise becomes his habit. You really want to be open with a loved one, but you can’t anymore - habit won’t let you.

Types of disguised aggression

In fact, there are many types of disguised aggression. Below I will give examples that are typical for the parent-child relationship. It is precisely such double messages from the strong that provoke disguised aggression from the weak as a response. I am sure that almost every reader will recognize something from their own experience in these phrases.

Obsessive concern

- Come on, comrade salesman, pick a better hat for my 40-year-old son...

Criticism

- Yes, I tried, well done... You can’t say anything! Now I will have to turn to my neighbor, Uncle Vasya, for help to redo everything...

Depreciation

- Ha-ha-ha! Thank you, I made you laugh, you made me laugh so much! Who needs you there... What is England like?! What theater?! What kind of directing?!

Accusation

- And don’t even dare tell me about this Sergei! Just hearing his name gives me a headache! Do you want to make me disabled?!

Distorting facts

“You’re hurting me on purpose!” All you are thinking about is how to annoy me...

Shortcuts

“You’re an idiot, and your jokes are idiotic.” Why? Because you are an idiot!

Honesty turned causticism

- Who will tell you more honestly than your mother?! Look at yourself in the mirror. You're ugly. Who needs you except your mother?!

Invasion of privacy

— I looked at your page. Is it possible to hide something from your mother?! You are there in the company of very strange people. I'm worried about you. You don't want to give me a heart attack, do you?!

Golden pedestal

- If you have the ability of a champion, you should only be a champion. If everyone has 97%, you should have 100%.

Tactlessness

- You still don’t have children - why?! This is all because you and your husband are having sex incorrectly... I’ll tell you now how to do it...

Passing the buck

- I wanted to divorce your dad, but I thought - I won’t divorce... I need to put you on your feet...

Using a Child as a Dumpster Under the Mask of Frankness

- I want to share with you... I can’t keep it to myself... They killed there, they raped there, they stole there, they deceived there... Life is a terrible thing. And you should know about it. There’s no point in looking at the world through rose-colored glasses... You’ll thank me later.

Sarcasm and double bottom

One of the most dangerous forms of masking aggression is jokes and double-bottom phrases with sarcasm. They are very difficult to recognize because they are powdered with care. The devil is in the details!

— Was it possible to order such a large chandelier for such a small room?! You'll go blind!

There is a double bottom in this message: “You have no right to your opinion, to your decisions. I and only I am always right and I know better what to do.”

- You are so talented, how did you manage to get into this office! I’ll plead for you with Ivan Ivanovich, he’ll get you a job! Don’t thank me... It’s my sacred duty to help my neighbor...

There is a double bottom in this message: “Unlike you, I am a very successful person. And you are a nonentity, unable to do anything without my help.”

How to recognize hidden aggression in others and in yourself?

A person who lacks influence resources, is weak or junior in a pair of partners, and is unable to openly resist pressure, reacts to these injections and blows of the strong in different ways:

Open short-term outbursts of rage and anger (rebellion).
Sabotage of communication, apathy and indifference, complete severance of relationships (evasion).
By leaving an uncomfortable situation into a parallel reality: from spiritual practices, prayers and meditations to alcoholism, gambling, drug addiction and suicide (concession).
Irony and sarcasm (disguised by aggression of different shades).

And the saddest thing is that the habit of reacting from the position of the weaker using “disguised aggression” of irony and sarcasm is so strong that it can ruin a relationship with a person who has absolutely no intention of fighting with you.

Disguised aggression is recognized based on the results of communication. If, after a completely innocent at first glance conversation with a partner, colleague or relative, you are overcome with feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, you have become a victim of disguised aggression. It is in such a “ashamed” state that a person is easier to control and more convenient to manage.

In many cases, the disguised aggression of the stronger is a multi-move :

First, a mask of care, sympathy, help, praise, advice, honesty, and concern.
Then - violation of the personal boundaries of the weaker, destruction of self-esteem, trust in oneself and one’s feelings and sensations.
Imposing your picture of the world: “You are weak and helpless. I am strong and omnipotent."
Imposing a beneficial relationship format for yourself: “To get even a penny of my love and patronage, you will have to pay a hundred rubles of obedience.”

How to protect yourself from hidden aggression?

And now, dear reader, you can quite rightly ask the question: what to do with all this? Here I would like to tell you one simple story. Once I conducted responsible business training directly in the organization. I arrived at the place early. There are no people - only one employee waters the flowers on the windows. The boss is the third to enter the room. It’s immediately obvious that he has the flu: cough, runny nose, red face, neck wrapped in a scarf.

The girl who was watering the flowers said to him: “Why, Ivan Ivanovich, did you get a job in such a state? You should lie down at home, get treatment... Come on, since we’ve arrived, I’ll mix you some honey and milk, I’ll run to the pharmacy for some medicine...” And then the boss’s face twisted, he started yelling. His approximate message was: “Who are you to tell me, the boss, what to do, where to be, how to live?”

For all the rudeness of his answer and for all the intensity of his emotional reaction, I liked the essence: “Only I know who I am! Only I know what I want! Only I know what to do! Only I know what to spend the time of my life on! And no one can tell me.” Perhaps the boss had problems with tactfulness, but he certainly knew how to defend his boundaries and kept his position clearly.

What he did in just a few seconds of conversation contained several key points. Knowing these nuances will help you successfully resist disguised aggression from the outside and, importantly, not turn into a disguised aggressor yourself.

It's important to realize how I feel next to the interlocutor.
Do I want to continue communication or break off contact?
If I I feel worse and worse as a result of talking to my interlocutor, he can be qualified as a disguised aggressor.
When dealing with all “disguised aggressors”, vigilance is necessary, aimed at protecting your personal boundaries.
Important respond to the actions of “disguised aggressors” immediately, revealing their card, calling a spade a spade.
“I don’t quite understand, are you suggesting or ordering?..”
“When they talk to me like that, when I hear something like that addressed to me, I feel very uncomfortable... I literally feel disgusted... What do you want to achieve with such phrases? Do you want me to stop communicating with you forever? Did not call? Didn't come? Didn't respond to invitations? No? Then let's communicate differently... Respecting each other..."
It is important to remember: no matter what anyone thinks or says about me, I know very clearly about myself that I am a worthy person, I am a good person, I have the right to protect my borders and my dignity , I have the right to take care of myself and your comfort and well-being, even if someone doesn’t like it.
Sometimes completely breaking off relations with the hidden aggressor is an appropriate option for protecting your personal boundaries. As one very talented teacher said: “You can’t break your heart for every beauty.”

It's also helpful to remember that you can't be responsible for other people's feelings. They have the right to feel whatever they want, on any occasion, including the problems of the world revolution. Everything about their feelings is their own business. You don’t have to completely change yourself, your behavior, your feelings so that they feel good, easy, comfortable and simple.

From the editor

How to recognize aggression when it arises in you? How to express it and other “angry” feelings in an environmentally friendly way? Read the article by psychologist Lyubov Avramenko :

Often the closest people - for example, parents - become the source of hidden aggression in our lives. It is especially painful to perceive such an attitude from your mother. And resentment towards her can poison life even in adulthood. Olga Laurent-Chuvatova tells how to forgive your mother : .

Disguised aggression can manifest itself in completely different ways. Not only through sarcasm, obsessive care, criticism, but even through dissatisfaction with sex. This can be an (often unconscious) way of pushing back against a stronger partner. Read more about this in the article by doctor and psychologist Natalya Tereshchenko :.

Why do we experience aggression? What are the mechanisms of this feeling? How does it relate to hunger and the environment in general? The answers to these questions can be found in the book of the famous German psychotherapist Frederick Salomon Perls, “Ego, Hunger and Aggression” :.

He doesn't keep his promises

How does this manifest itself? First of all, he nods and agrees with everything, but he hesitates until the last minute in fulfilling his promises. Doing what was agreed upon for him is a real problem. If it comes to fulfilling promises, it happens at the last moment, poorly, for which there are many excuses and clearly expressed dissatisfaction. It is especially uncomfortable to have such people in your close circle, among relatives or good friends. Asking them for help is sometimes pointless. For example, they asked the spouse not to give the child sweets that make him sick, but he allegedly forgets about the agreement and gives him chocolate again.

This does not mean that you need to classify all your acquaintances, who often do not keep their promises, as passive aggressors. Yet this type of people is a combination of factors. A good example is the main character of the film “Love and Doves”. After all, how can you rely on a person who spends the last of his family money on pigeons, and hides in the attic with them from reprisals? And if for someone such behavior can be caused by some circumstances, then for a passive aggressor this happens on an ongoing basis. Resistance to requests, stubbornness, forgetfulness, procrastination, poor quality work - these are the makings of passive aggression. Some people mistakenly believe that such behavior is the lot of men, but hidden aggression is present in women even more often.

From childhood to adulthood: behaving well

Some parents calmly react to a child’s aggressive behavior, understanding that, due to his age, he is not able to understand the damage that he can cause to his peers and parents. Other mothers and fathers, from early childhood, demand that the child be a good boy, not offend anyone, and suppress attacks of anger. With such demands, they cause double harm to the child: firstly, he is taught to constantly suppress aggression in himself, which is necessary to overcome difficulties and to protect himself, and secondly, he is instilled with incorrect patterns of behavior, which may be to the liking of the parents, but will later bring harm to the person. many problems. Let's say a child doesn't like the food they feed him for breakfast. He may say, “I hate this disgusting mess!” But instead of convincing the child to eat porridge (for example, through play), some parents take the simplest route and impose a ban on such reactions. “Good children don’t say that,” “Don’t argue with your parents,” “If you say that, it means you don’t love your mom,” and so on.

In this case, the only way for the child to express his attitude to the situation is to quietly sabotage the process, without bringing the matter to an open conflict: for example, eating deliberately slowly and being distracted. Or a child may begin to misbehave at the table, wanting to “punish” his parents for some offense on another occasion, not daring to openly express his dissatisfaction. The successful use of these methods is gradually consolidated, and a person begins to use them for any reason. First of all, against people who are his authority, by inertia transferring parental figures onto them.

He never expresses his position clearly

It is difficult to get a clear answer from a passive aggressor; he does not say what he thinks, what he wants, directly and clearly. It’s easier for him to avoid the question, discuss problems and try to clarify the situation - this is not for him. It is too difficult for him to explain what is wrong, what he wants and how to solve this or that situation. It is difficult to understand whether there is feedback and whether a person is interested. The answers to any questions are the same: “maybe”, “I don’t know”, “I don’t care”, “whatever you say”, “do as you want” and so on. It may seem to the interlocutor that the partner is giving him complete freedom of action with such behavior, but in reality this is not the case. No matter how strange it may seem, the inability to say “no” is one of the signs of passive aggression. It’s easier for a person to lie, promise and not fulfill. As a result, there is zero sense both at work and in my personal life. There is no place without manipulative behavior.

Examples of passive-aggressive behavior

Passive aggression is a very common phenomenon. Sometimes very close people show it without noticing it themselves. Sometimes they are strangers who, under the guise of goodwill, try to show their superiority or simply humiliate a random person. Let's look at some typical examples of passive aggression from everyday life.

Older women love to give advice to young mothers passing by on how they should care for their children, how to dress them and what toys to buy for them. Of course, there is no talk of any concern. This is rather an attempt to humiliate a stranger by showing that she is incompetent in matters of caring for a child or is simply irresponsible.

Surely you have relatives or close friends who love to teach you how to live correctly , when to get married, what a wedding should be like, when and how many children you should have... The situation here is approximately the same as in the previous example. The desire to “teach life” is usually just an attempt to say “I know everything about life, but you constantly make stupid mistakes!”

Very often, passive aggression manifests itself in the form of poorly hidden envy. For example, a person may make barbs about someone who was able to quit smoking (unlike him), and expresses confidence that “It won’t last for long anyway!” Any other success that causes envy (for example, advancement up the career ladder) receives similar criticism.

Most often, passive aggression manifests itself in the form of actions such as:

compliments with “unobtrusive” criticism;
complaints about injustice (“He didn’t deserve this promotion!”);
psychological pressure (obsessiveness, excessive friendliness, a stream of negativity and complaints about everyday events);
demonstrative “playful” gloating;
focusing on other people's mistakes (sometimes also counting these mistakes);
sabotage of work, promises and other obligations;
conflicting formulations disguised as polite (“Explain to me, please!”);
playing the victim (“I’m not talking to you!”).

His words and actions contradict each other

Do you have a friend who always complains that you don’t spend enough time together, and then tries in every possible way to avoid this meeting and elude his promises. He will show with all his appearance that he is uncomfortable. He will be silent, quietly angry, but when asked what happened, he will answer that everything is fine. He will sigh and complain about life, but when asked for help he will still sigh and answer that he doesn’t need anything and nothing will help him. He can redo what you just did with a gloomy face, showing with all his appearance that you have not coped with your task. But in response to all questions you will hear only one thing: “Everything is fine, I’m just trying to help you.” This is especially true for hidden aggression in adolescents.

Why do people use passive aggression?

In general, passive aggression is a manifestation of infantile behavior

. Sometimes a person is [sort of] forced to resort to this method because decency does not allow doing otherwise - because of subordination, because you don’t want to completely ruin the relationship, because the aggressor realizes that other people are right, but still feels annoyed and irritated. For example, a person may have a lot of work to do, but a colleague reminds him of a presentation that was due a week ago. Formally, our hero understands that his colleague has nothing to do with it, but still gets angry with him and makes a presentation for show.

There are people who constantly resort to this model of expressing emotions and actually learn it from childhood

.
This may also be due to the fact that a person strives with all his might to avoid direct conflict
, since he does not know how or does not know how to behave in such a case.
The aggressor, as a rule, hopes that his “sneaky pokes,” formally expressed in a socially acceptable form, will not lead to open conflict and therefore chooses this form of manifestation of emotions.
Sometimes people are not used to/are afraid to show their feelings openly

. As a rule, this behavior is reinforced by parents in childhood, denying the right of their son or daughter to show emotions, saying that it is wrong, or even punishing them for them. Example - when a child gets angry or cries, they answer him “Well, you’re so upset, it’s still good,” “Well, now you’ve stopped crying,” “Don’t throw tantrums, there’s nothing like that here,” etc. If parents too often shut up the child in this way, without delving into his problem, the little person develops an attitude: feelings cannot be shown openly. But this by itself does not make them go away, so the child gets used to expressing them in a veiled manner. In adulthood, the aggressor, as it were, forces his opponent to start an open conflict instead of himself - but when it is started (not by our hero), it is already possible to show feelings openly.

Be that as it may, mature, self-sufficient individuals do not resort to passive aggression towards other people.

React to sabotage openly

To begin the fight against hidden aggression, you need to openly confront it. Be direct about what makes you angry when a promise is not kept. Ask him to promise only what he can really fulfill, and not to give false hopes. Or ask them to explain the meaning of such actions. Then you need to act according to the situation, it is only important to show that you are open to conversation. It is important not to hide your true emotions, if you are uncomfortable, say it directly; if something makes you angry, scared or happy, do not forget to say about it. Ask directly so as not to give the aggressor a way to retreat, seek a clear answer and the truth.

What to do if passive aggression manifests itself in a team?

In a team, passive aggression can be expressed not only in words, but also in deeds. For example, an employee may postpone a deadline until the last minute, thereby keeping you, as a manager or colleague, in suspense. In a business environment, an example of passive aggression can also be called the phrase: “I thought you knew” - that is, not saying some important things from the very beginning. Or “With your education, you could have guessed it yourself” - this is also an example of manipulation and an attempt to make you feel guilty.

And in this case, we also need open dialogue and communication using “I - messages”: “I get angry when work is not sent at the right time,” “I get upset when tasks are not spelled out from the very beginning.” And when you have a clear structure and support in the form of job regulations or at least your own criteria for perceiving yourself, you will never feel guilty.

Photo: Pexels.com

Calmly but firmly insist on keeping what you promised.

This option is suitable for those with steely patience. Getting a clear answer out of a passive aggressor is not an easy task; considerable energy is expended. You'll have to turn on the bore and demand-demand-demand. It will be necessary to constantly remind you of promises and agree on a time for their fulfillment. Let the passive aggressor name not only the day, but also the exact time.

Causes of passive aggression. There are clear factors

The psychology of passive aggression has been little studied. Psychologists have found that women are less susceptible to passive aggression than men. In men, this pattern of behavior occurs 2 times more often.

Factors that provoke the appearance of passive aggression:

Passivity. The person has a weak character and often avoids action, even to his own detriment. Doesn't show decisive action.
He uses the rule: “Let everything be as it is.” Such a person is subject to the influence of others, the imposition of someone else’s opinion.
Even if he doesn’t agree with something, he will pretend that everything suits him. For him, the main thing is his own peace of mind and the absence of disputes.
Anxiety. A person is constantly in a state of anxiety. It seems to him that everything is not going as it should.
An anxious person has problems in many situations if he has not yet found his approach. They do not have the strength to resist the situation; they agree with other people’s opinions, if only they would be left alone.
But negativity accumulates in the soul towards someone with whom he disagrees. The slate rustles quietly, the roof moves slowly...
The desire to look better than you are. The person has a weak character, is unsure of himself and his strengths. But he tries in every possible way to hide it from others.
Performs actions to please others, for the sake of praise and his authority. Anger and dissatisfaction do not come out so as not to spoil the opinion of others about themselves. But you have to pay!
Psychological dependence. A person depends on another. Often, this is a relationship between employer and employee. The employee is completely dependent on his boss.
He puts pressure, demands the impossible, imposes his opinion. The employee cannot contradict or resist him for fear of losing his job.
Gullibility. A person is so gullible that he becomes naive, like a child. He takes everyone's word for it, without thinking about the consequences.
It is very easy to manipulate such a person and control his consciousness. But here you need to not be too clever - becoming “Doubting Thomas” is not the best strategy.
Fear of negative experiences. A person does not agree with the opinions of others. But if you express your opinion, you will receive a lot of negativity directed at you.
He doesn't want this. It is better to silently agree with the opinions of others, but have your own point of view.
Love of pleasure. A person has his own opinion, but the desire to have fun makes him not express his point of view.
Impressionability. Being overly impressionable can change your point of view.
Greed. A greedy person does not express disagreement with the opinion of a person on whom his financial situation directly depends.
Arrogance. A person is too confident in his own rightness that he does not recognize the opinions of others. They don’t listen to advice and often regret it later.
Moreover, relatives are accused of not insisting on making a different decision. Everyone around me is to blame, but not me.

People who have problems in their personal lives or face problems at work often become passive-aggressive.

Minimize communication with the passive aggressor

If none of the listed options worked, and your partner continues to stubbornly stand his ground (still hesitate, delay in answering, resist proposals, and so on). If you can no longer tolerate such an attitude, then you will have to admit that you cannot trust this person 100%, he is absolutely unreliable. Try not to take responsibility for his actions on yourself. It is best to allocate your time so that you have the least interaction with the passive aggressor so as not to disappoint yourself and others.

Could this be a symptom of a mental disorder?

Passive-aggressive behavior does not mean you have a mental disorder. However, mental health problems such as anxiety, depression or stress may:

make it difficult to express yourself;
influence your beliefs about how others perceive you;
make productive communication difficult.

As a result, you may find it difficult to share painful feelings directly.

If you spend a lot of time thinking about the injustice of what you are experiencing but are unable to share your grief, these feelings may manifest themselves indirectly. Some mental health conditions can also affect the way you express yourself and interact with others, which can lead to behavior that seems passive-aggressive. Here are some examples:

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD);
anxiety disorders;
depression; oppositional defiant disorder;
bipolar disorder;
schizotypal personality disorder;
schizophrenia;
substance use disorders.

Passive-aggressive behavior can occur as a symptom of several personality disorders, including dependent and avoidant personality disorders, as well as narcissistic personality disorder (especially covert narcissism). This behavior can manifest itself in different ways depending on the condition.

Phrases that passive aggression cannot do without

You can identify an aggressor by phrases that indicate that your partner may be a potential source of aggression. Forms of hidden aggression can be the following:

“I’m not angry” - no matter how strange it may sound, the banal denial of feelings of anger is one of the manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior. He will never admit his real feelings or explain what caused it. It’s easier for him to claim that he’s not angry, but inside it will be a real volcano of anger and emotions.
“Whatever you say” - and nowhere without “crazy people”, avoidance of answers, insults and standard passive-aggressive behavior. They won’t tell you clearly what you’re not happy with, and they won’t give you their arguments for and against. The person simply withdraws into himself and gives monosyllabic, meaningless answers. It turns out that anger is present, but is expressed only indirectly, without direct dialogue.
“Yes, I’m coming!” - everything is extremely simple here, with such a phrase the aggressor simply postpones the inevitable. Just try to call your child for lunch for the hundredth time, and you will hear this dissatisfied: “Yes, I’m on my way.”
“I didn’t know what you meant” is a phrase not only actively used by those who like to procrastinate, but also by passive aggressors. Everything is simple here. When a person is given a task that he does not want to do at all, he will try to put off completing it for as long as possible. And if you start asking when the report will be ready or something like that, the answer will be the same: “I didn’t know that this needed to be done now.” Such an answer can mean one thing: the person does not like the task at all and is unlikely to complete it efficiently after the next reminder.
“I thought you knew” - classic passive-aggressive behavior suggests such an answer. This is called hiding information that could help. Moreover, this is done consciously. Such behavior may not occur particularly often; lovers of intrigue engage in such concealment. It’s as if they forget to show the letter, say about an important call or message.

Beware, any little thing can be used against you. As a result, we hear one thing: “How did they not know this? I thought you knew."

From case to theory: destroying on the sly

The Second World War, like any other, brought not only casualties and destruction, but also useful discoveries. Military doctors often encountered unusual disorders associated with both post-traumatic stress disorder and less severe stressful situations. The American physician William Menninger was the first to use the term “passive aggression” when describing cases of indirect expression of anger. The soldiers whom Menninger observed did not express anger openly, but showed it through resentment, stubbornness, refusal to follow orders, and ineffective service in general. At first, the researcher considered this behavior to be immature, caused by the stress of military operations. But then it became clear that the soldiers' reactions could be symptoms of a personality disorder. The new diagnosis was reflected in the first Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). True, over time it moved from the category of major personality disorders to the group of “disorders requiring additional study.”

Scientists had expressed versions about the origin of passive aggression before Menninger, using other terms. In the works of Sigmund Freud one can find descriptions of cases of indirect expression of anger associated with the need to restrain affects that are undesirable for oneself and others. German psychiatrist Frederick Perls, who radically revised the ideas of classical psychoanalysis, considered passive aggression the scourge of modern civilization, manifested in laziness, unhealthy eating behavior, and the invention of deadly weapons. American psychologist Eric Berne associated passive aggression with childhood patterns of behavior that persist into adulthood instead of the emergence of mature, thoughtful reactions. But all researchers agreed on one thing: the roots of passive aggression must be sought in childhood.

Dubious compliments

“Of course, I would be happy” - this is the lot of the service staff, they can smile at you, flatter you, promise anything. And here a paradox occurs: the longer you ask and even demand that a task be completed faster, the longer it will take to complete. Or they may even end up in the trash bin marked “refuse.”

And nowhere without dubious compliments. For example: “You did a great job for someone who doesn’t have a college degree.” It’s the same if you tell a woman something like: “You’ll get married, don’t worry. There are men who prefer women with bodies.” Most often, such compliments relate to age, education, weight, appearance, and so on. The purpose of such a compliment is to evoke unpleasant emotions, offend or even offend. And no complaints, because it’s a compliment!

Another sign of hidden aggression is sarcasm. Blunt something stupid, say something nasty and immediately retract your words with the phrase: “This is a joke.” And if you say that the joke is not funny at all, then in response you will only hear that you have no sense of humor at all. There may even be a hidden threat lurking here.

Sarcasm, nastiness, an unpleasant joke, and then the question: “Why are you so upset?” This is another pointer to passive-aggressive behavior; the person seems to be enjoying the current situation; he managed to unsettle his interlocutor.

If you come across such behavior at work, at home or with friends, try not to react, because this is a common provocation that should not offend you in any way. Passive aggression can and should be fought.

How to deal with passive aggression and not take it personally?

The best vaccination is pumping yourself up, self-love and confidence. In this case, no abusers or manipulators will be able to hurt your feelings. People with shaky self-esteem attract a toxic environment - manipulators, abusers, tyrants. And if you see such a manifestation in your direction, then first of all look at what people are mirroring to you. Because we are a mirror reflection of our environment. It doesn’t happen that everyone around you is a toxic abuser, and you are white and fluffy. Most likely, there is an internal benefit to surrounding yourself with such people, to being in the position of a victim.

The second step is to understand what else you can do to avoid facing such problems. And here, as a rule, you need to work with your self-esteem, your self-worth as a woman, a specialist, a professional. And also develop clear internal criteria for yourself that will help you objectively evaluate yourself. For example, you have a job description, and if you comply with it, then you are a good professional. You have your own idea of yourself, which helps you understand what kind of woman, what kind of person you are. And then a manipulator on a date or a tyrant leader will not be able to instill anything in you or destroy your self-esteem.

How to deal with hidden aggression and how to resist it

If a person acts this way over a long distance, it is better to break the connection. But if this is not possible, and communication needs to be maintained, then the minimum plan is to adhere to these 7 principles:

The aggressor will deny his dissatisfaction and anger. Give him the opportunity to think about his behavior and try to help;
Tell him about your feelings and experiences. Ask directly what he doesn't like and how to fix it. The main goal is not to respond to aggression with aggression.
Try to be softer and more compliant. Try to explain what exactly is unacceptable for you in the relationship and offer your own version of how the event will develop and how to solve the problem;
Sort yourself out. If you attract aggressors and become a victim of such relationships, then you also have a problem;
Convince yourself that other people's aggression is not your problem. And the problem is the aggressor;
Defend your positions and opinions. Do not allow an aggressor to cross the boundaries that you should set for yourself;
Don't be rude and argue back;
Know how to fight back. Otherwise, you will blame yourself for allowing the aggressor to pour out your feelings on you.