A sign of psychological immaturity: what is passive aggression and how to deal with it

“Oh, that’s it”, “Everything is fine with me”, “I’m not talking to you”, “Oh, I didn’t know that this was so important, otherwise I would have done it” - we are all familiar with such phrases, these and similar remarks we We have repeatedly heard it addressed to ourselves or said it ourselves. They are not at all so neutral - in fact, hidden aggression is masked behind them.

Aggression is a universal feature of the human psyche and perception. It can be either active—in open conflict, when we defend our borders or attack the borders of others—or passive. With passive aggression, a person, on the contrary, avoids direct conflict and expresses his anger in a different way.

Passive aggression is not a separate diagnosis or a symptom of a mental disorder or illness, but a form of behavior. Any healthy person experiences anger, anger and aggression. But some people go into open confrontation, while others suppress emotions and try to come to an agreement with themselves. Some due to the fact that they do not feel the weight in a quarrel, and some because they do not know how to defend personal boundaries - it is people with violated personal boundaries who most often fall into passive-aggressive behavior. For them, direct conflict is associated with feelings of shame, guilt and fear - and they avoid it through irony, sarcasm, resentment and avoidance of open confrontation, indirect expression of defiance, hostility or implicit offensive behavior, weaving intrigues, spreading gossip and engaging in sabotage.

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Passive-aggressive behavior was first described by Colonel William Menninger during World War II. In a 1945 U.S. technical bulletin, he expressed concern about soldiers who avoided service due to "willful incompetence." Menninger wrote that although the soldiers did not show open insubordination, they expressed aggression "by passive measures—obstinacy, slowness, inefficiency, and passive obstructionism." The American Psychiatric Association later included passive aggression as a behavior in the Manual of Mental Disorders, but subsequently removed it from the main list, recognizing it as a response to specific situations that requires separate study to obtain the status of a medical diagnosis.

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Causes and signs of passive aggression

Different schools of psychology treat suppressed aggression differently. For example, specialists in neo-psychoanalysis believe that passive aggression is a habitual form of psychological defense ingrained in the individual, and the American psychologist, founder of transactional analysis Eric Berne associates this type of behavior with psychological immaturity: during the formation of personality, childhood patterns were not replaced by more adult ones. As we grow up, we move from primitive psychological defenses to more conscious ones. Hysteria, resentment and manipulation are behaviors that are usually inherent in children who do not yet know other behavioral scenarios. If for them this form of manifestation of aggression works in childhood and is not rethought as they grow up, then at an older age it begins to be recorded as automatic. In addition, often in childhood we are faced with the fact that our parents limit and suppress our emotions, saying “Nobody likes evil people”, “you need to be a non-conflict person”, “no one will communicate with you” - this is how a person gets a ban on open expression of anger and open conflict.

Children raised in an environment where conflict is discouraged suppress open protest

Therefore, like many other behavior patterns, unreflective passive aggression can take root as a communication habit, which is then very difficult to get rid of.

The most obvious sign that you are experiencing passive-aggressive behavior is feeling irritated when interacting. This is an internal emotional response: we almost always respond to aggression with aggression, and when someone attacks us, we attack back. And if some very trivial social encounter or contact causes anger and irritation, your interlocutor is most likely using passive aggression.

Any violation of personal boundaries, which is served with some socially acceptable sauce, is a form of passive aggression. A contact, compliment, gift, or supposedly funny joke that makes you feel angry or annoyed is a classic signal that passive aggression has been used against you.

An example of irritability

Patient: Male, 35 years old, no bad habits, married, has a child, manager in a large company, resident of a big city. At the insistence of his wife, he turned to a psychiatrist, psychotherapist (psychotherapist) with complaints of severe irritability and feelings of causeless anxiety. I came for a consultation with a psychotherapist, accompanied by my wife. The patient described his complaints as follows: “For probably three years now I have been suffering from increased irritability and anxiety. Since this all started. At first, I suddenly noticed that my pulse had become low, 55-60. Blood pressure 115/75. Physical activity was accompanied by an increase in heart rate (ascent to the second floor). One cardiologist on the Internet advised me to drink motherwort. At first it helped, but then it got worse and worse. Any negative attitude towards me began to cause increased irritation. I began to quickly lose my temper when a situation arose that I was not prepared for, that I did not expect. I began to feel very irritable when hearing loud noises. I don't drink, I don't smoke.

A year ago, after the New Year, I couldn’t get up for 4 days, I had no strength, I was in terrible panic, I thought I was going crazy. I haven’t seen a doctor for 8 years, I’m treating myself. But it was so bad that I still went to a neurologist, who prescribed 2 phenazepam. in a day. The panic went away immediately, sometimes I felt good, but almost all the time I felt very irritable. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. In order not to die those 4 days after the New Year, when even the local doctor did not want to come, I took 4 tablets of phenazepam a day, but it didn’t help much. The neurologist and the therapist say that this is VSD, and this VSD is not a disease, but panic, and that it is in my head.

I have a little daughter, and when she screams a lot, my ears become blocked, my head is dizzy, and I start to get very nervous, just mad. Now I also drink valerian root, and lemon balm in the evening. No studies were carried out, only the local doctor asked me to take tests for thyroid hormones; my symptoms seemed similar to her for this disease. Everything turned out to be fine there, she said, take Afabazole. The cardiogram and kidneys are normal. For the last six months, panic attacks are sometimes severe, and sometimes they don’t bother me at all, I forget about them. There is no feeling of happiness, there is only constant frustration, irritability, dissatisfaction, I get irritated at every occasion, I lose my temper, I always want to sleep, headaches and nausea have recently appeared, frequent sore throats, I have no strength. I’m not interested in anything, I have no desire to do anything (this is generally a nightmare, of course), I really understand that I can’t behave like this, but I have breakdown after breakdown, I constantly quarrel with everyone and am dissatisfied with everything, I’m constantly in no mood, I often get offended, unnecessary movement causes discomfort, I just want to always lie down so that no one touches me. Recently, my pulse has become elevated, 80-90. pressure 130/80. I can’t lie on my left side—my heart rate increases. I started to feel pain in my legs, and by the evening my legs were swelling. My weight has dropped from 90 to 72. Lying down, I can hear my heartbeat and have difficulty falling asleep on my right side.

Attempts to treat irritability

Corvalol doesn't help. I used to take glycine. In addition, I completed 20 acupuncture courses and 14 holotropic breathwork sessions. After holotropic breathing it became even worse. I had great hopes for the tranquilizer and sleeping pills, but I understand that I am already dependent on sleeping pills, and I no longer notice the effect of the tranquilizer. Sometimes I take alcohol, which helps, but I'm afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I take vitamins (every spring), this is the first time this has happened to me. Now I can't work normally. The authorities began to look askance. If the situation is not corrected soon, they may be fired.”

When examined by a psychotherapist, the patient was impatient and could not sit quietly in a chair. There was marked increased irritability, hostility, and aggression. A psychotherapist diagnosed a manifestation of astheno-depressive syndrome, complicated by somatic reactions to stress. It was proposed to undergo a course of complex therapy. Under pressure from his wife, the patient agreed to treatment. Due to the current difficult situation at work, in order to speed up the relief of the main severe symptoms that interfered with normal performance, short-term hospitalization in the inpatient department of the clinic was proposed.

After hesitating, the patient agreed. Complex intensive therapy was carried out: in the hospital for 14 days, then the patient was transferred to a day hospital program (visited the medical facility every day, after work, duration of stay was 3 hours). Upon discharge from the hospital, the patient was noticeably calmer, he was able to more easily control his emotions and increased irritability.

Forms of passive aggression

A classic example of hidden aggression is unsuccessful compliments, but in fact, heels and pricks hidden behind pseudo-compliments. For example, the phrase “Oh, you look great today.” The word “today” makes you think about the fact that the rest of the time a person looks, to put it mildly, unimportant. Another form of indirect confrontation is gifts with subtext. For example, a mother-in-law gives her daughter-in-law shapewear for New Year - although such a gift is formally socially acceptable, it is also a manifestation of aggression. Another common type of passive aggression and a workaround is irony and sarcasm. They are not healthy forms of humor in psychology; these rhetorical devices are built on anger, as opposed to philosophical and good-natured humor.

In a work environment, passive aggression manifests itself differently. For example, through the failure of agreements and deadlines. A person constantly violates obligations because he internally disagrees with the task given to him and simply decides not to complete the assigned tasks. Or the employee sabotages the work in some other way, becomes offended, behaves childishly, trying in every possible way to avoid performing a task that he does not want to do. He cannot express his indignation openly, so he looks for other quiet ways.

Psychogenic nature of burning and itching

The term “psychosomatics” is quite common these days. It is defined as the occurrence of bodily manifestations based on psychological factors.

If during the examination of the patient it is not possible to find objective reasons causing such impressions, the matter is most likely in the mental sphere of the person. Or rather, in its negative manifestations.

For example, itching and burning sensations in the body develop against the background of a stressful situation . If it was a one-time problem, then after it is eliminated, the unpleasant manifestations also disappear.

As for chronic stress , these symptoms may persist or even intensify. This, in turn, increases nervous tension and aggravates the situation. It turns out to be a vicious circle.

There is an understandable explanation for the appearance of skin paresthesias in psychological disorders. With negative emotions, the body increases the production of serotonin and dopamine. It is these neurotransmitters that provoke the occurrence of itching and burning, usually without visible skin elements. But sometimes a rash, dryness and peeling may appear.

How to deal with passive aggression at work

Passive aggression is a clear sign of underdeveloped emotional intelligence. And in work matters, emotional intelligence is one of the most valuable things. For example, last year an interesting experiment was carried out on the influence of emotional intelligence on career development, during which specialists in which researchers asked technical workers and IT specialists with whom they were most comfortable working. And almost all employees wanted to interact not with those who are smarter, but with those who have higher emotional intelligence and the ability to communicate well.

An earlier American study found that four out of five workers lost valuable work time worrying about an unpleasant incident, and more than half of those surveyed procrastinated by avoiding colleagues with whom they were not getting along well.

Passive-aggressive behavior is very costly for the entire team. At the company level, all processes slow down: decisions are made slowly, the risk of mistakes increases, unspoken tension destroys trust, impedes communication and promotes hostility, and the constant stress of passive aggression has a terrible impact on intra-team working relationships. If a manager sees that there are passive-aggressive people on his team, then the best solution is to talk to them and openly find out the reason for this behavior. After all, even one passive-aggressive employee who is not capable of free communication and with whom it is difficult, uncomfortable and inconvenient to work because of this, will slowly drag the entire team down with him.

The skill of direct conflict and active confrontation will also help if the passive aggressor is a boss and not an employee. It is best to interact with them by recording all work tasks in writing, so that later, in the event of a conflict, to eliminate manipulation. It is necessary to take into account all factors and demand that absolutely everything be recorded - from the form of assignment submission to deadlines.

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Duration of treatment for irritability

The duration of treatment under the day hospital program was one month, after which the patient felt significant relief, but did not complain of a feeling of mild anxiety and sometimes an unreasonable outbreak of increased irritability, which he managed to suppress through the efforts of his own will. Treatment continued on an outpatient basis, with visits to a psychotherapist 2-3 times a week, for three months, after which the patient had no complaints about his mental state. The weight came to biologically adequate values ​​- with a height of 190 cm, the weight was 85 kg, blood pressure was stable - 120/80. There are no complaints about colds and sore throats. To consolidate the effect and prevent relapse, treatment continued at home, but under the supervision of a psychotherapist (visiting the doctor once a month) for a year. Upon completion of the entire therapeutic course, treatment was completely canceled. There is no relapse observed within two years.

In mental reactions, expressed in the form of annoyance and increased irritability, the psychogenic type of reaction is more visible, which was first put forward by K. Jaspers.

The most characteristic aspect of the neuropsychic reaction associated with the manifestation of increased irritability or easily arising annoyance is the process of combination, which involves the preservation of traces of pathopsychic effects, with which, in fact, a connection is established with each subsequent new stimulus.

This connection is an integral and characteristic feature of any neuropsychic process, and it can be simple or more complex. In the latter case, it can represent a whole chain of subsequent mental reactions and has the effect of accumulating and layering earlier experiences with present ones.

How to recognize a passive aggressor in yourself

People with passive aggression can be recognized by several signs:

• Feeling unhappiness

Passive-aggressive people are unhappy. They do not know how to protect their boundaries, do not see the boundaries of other people, and most often cannot agree with the person with whom they are talking or communicating. They lack an important component of well-being - the so-called environmental management, formulated by psychologist Carol Rieff. People with passive-aggressive behavior lose control over their environment - which is why they experience disturbances in relationships, in the expression and interpretation of emotion, and are dissatisfied with other areas of life - health, career, free time.

• Inability to monitor your reactions

Passive-aggressive people are often driven by a long-standing unconscious trauma, idea, or mindset that they cannot freely express their anger. They often catch themselves thinking that they said something that did not correspond to the original plan at all and not in the tone in which they would like. Passive aggressors may find themselves reacting very angrily to fairly trivial things or feel it in their character to attack someone who is weaker than them.

How to deal with passive-aggressive behavior yourself

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It is possible to help yourself cope with passive-aggressive behavior. First of all, you need to understand the quality of your communication and your attitude towards conflicts. It is open conflict and aggression that are the source from which subsequent behavioral scenarios begin. It's worth asking yourself a few questions:

• Can I be conflicted?
• If I'm afraid of conflict, why?
• What happens to me emotionally during conflict? What sensations do I experience, what is happening in my thoughts?
• Where did this reaction come from?
• What's the worst thing that could happen if I bring the conflict to an end and defend my boundaries?
• Where do these very boundaries lie? Am I ready to ruin my relationship?

Having answered these questions, it is worth starting to work on awareness of your reactions and identify the true reasons for passive-aggressive behavior. You need to think about them, find sources and understand that not a single situation in the future or present is a situation from the past. This means that a stereotype, pattern or scenario of behavior from the past will be ineffective. Next, it is important to see the effectiveness of conscious behavior and understand what you are paying for until it is achieved. For example, good relationships and a sense of well-being, suffering, blaming yourself and other people and avoiding contact. For suffering to stop, you need to learn to conflict openly and defend yourself, your values ​​and interests.

Irritability

Annoyance and irritability are a mental reaction to an external stimulus, which occasionally manifests itself under the influence of traumatic experiences.

Who among us has not complained of irritability? Who hasn't felt annoyed about something?

Everyone, to one degree or another, has had to experience these feelings. These reactions can be considered as a psychopathic reaction or a pathological feature in the structure of the psyche, or as a response to an external pathological stimulus and not be considered as a pathology.

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Pathopsychological assessment

If we consider the pathological reaction. Feelings of annoyance or

Increased irritability is characterized by a quantitative or qualitative discrepancy between mental irritation and the response of higher nervous activity. Often such mental reactions are identified with psychogenies and situational psychoses, because the difference between them is only theoretical.

The identification of certain types of annoyance and increased irritability as pathological mental reactions of the central nervous system and interest in them began to appear only recently in connection with the doctrine of personality development and the emergence of the need to differentiate them in the structure of the organization of human mental activity.

How to help a passive aggressor

To be an example

If you are in constant close contact with a passive aggressor, the best thing you can do is be a positive example yourself. It is important to clearly and efficiently set your personal boundaries, ranging from financial to physical and personal ego boundaries, demonstrating healthy behavior. When the passive aggressor encounters your boundaries, he will see that they really exist, and ideally will “engage” in healthy behavior, trying to understand the reasons for his own difficulties with dealing with open conflicts.

Identify the problem

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Passive aggressors, like many other manipulators, are afraid when others pay attention to their behavior. Therefore, when faced with passive-aggressive behavior, it is important to immediately identify the problem by saying: “No, your comment is not just a joke. No, this is not an ordinary conversation, but a certain pattern that I notice in you over and over again. Sit down and tell me what’s wrong.” People who are constantly passive aggressive are afraid of open conflict. And by challenging them to open confrontation, we begin to confront, dominate the conversation and reveal the real problem that provokes them to fall into the same behavioral pattern. Once we get to the core problem, the reactive behavior stops.

Pass the ball

If you have a passive-aggressive person in your environment, it is important to remember that they are more afraid of you than you are of them. If you have an amazing talent for open nonviolent conflict and openly stating your opinion, you have already won in communication. During a quarrel, you just need to move the ball from the aggressor’s field of play to your own field, where the other person will be as uncomfortable as possible, because he does not own the tools that you possess.

Burning sensation and its origin

A burning sensation in the body and limbs manifests itself in the form of tingling, a sensation of heat. It is constantly present throughout the day or has a wave-like character, but, as a rule, does not bother you at night.

The appearance of this symptom is facilitated by damage to the peripheral nerves. This is observed, for example, in diabetes mellitus . In this case, the burning sensation is concentrated primarily in the extremities, followed by tingling and numbness.

Sciatica is an inflammation of the sciatic nerve, accompanied by a burning sensation in the legs up to the foot.

With multiple sclerosis, the burning sensation is combined with tingling. Such an alliance extends to the limbs. One should be wary of their simultaneous occurrence with problems of speech and coordination.

Radiculopathy is damage to the nerve roots of the spinal nerves. In this case, a pathological feeling of heat also occurs in the arms and legs.

Dangerous is the appearance of a burning sensation in one half of the body. Along with other signs, such as unclear speech, headache, blurred vision, delirium, hallucinations, it can be a sign of a stroke .

Heat in the legs often indicates vascular pathology .

Other conditions that can cause this sensation include:

• spider and snake bites;
• poisoning by chemical compounds;
• avitaminosis;
• calcium deficiency;
• burns.

Particular discomfort is caused by itching and burning in a woman’s intimate area (vagina, vulva and perineum).

A burning sensation in the vagina, along with dryness, are manifestations
of menopausal changes or atrophic inflammation . If the cause of the burning sensation is various kinds of discharge, then this indicates candidiasis, inflammatory processes or sexually transmitted diseases .
Moderate itching in the vaginal area may indicate an allergic reaction to latex or medications. The discussed symptoms in the vulva (external genitalia) also appear against the background of sexually transmitted infections . Other reasons may be:

• lice;
• eczema and mycoses;
• tumor-like formations;
• helminthic infestations;
• kidney and liver diseases.

The perineum includes the area around the genitals and anus. The occurrence of unpleasant sensations in it indicates the presence of such conditions :

• helminthic infestations;
• allergy to powder or linen;
• haemorrhoids;
• rectal tumors;
• systemic diseases;
• sexual infections;
• herpes, candida;
• incorrect hygienic approach.

Consequences of passive-aggressive behavior

The long-term consequence of passive-aggressive behavior is damaged relationships. Because no one wants to constantly leave communication feeling irritated and angry. And in a relationship with a passive-aggressive person, this is inevitable.

If we are talking about the consequences for the passive aggressor himself, then, firstly, this is the inability to face his shortcomings directly. And, secondly, it is the inability to defend personal boundaries, the inability to manage the environment, to happiness and internal well-being. The passive aggressor has nothing to rely on - he is in constant reflection and sadness, pondering his contacts with other people.

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If we are talking about the consequences of passive aggression from a physiological point of view, then a constant feeling of fear, guilt and shame leads to problems in the field of gastroenterology - ulcers, colitis and disorders of the parasympathetic nervous system. It is open aggression - as a source of energy for change - that is responsible for the quality of our lives. It allows you to protect yourself, attracts and motivates you to expand your horizons, improve your professional and living conditions, and a person who is not capable of a healthy manifestation of aggression as the energy of achievement dooms himself to stagnation.

Objective grounds

Itching is a sensation accompanied by the need to scratch the skin. There are several opinions about its occurrence:

• irritation of certain pain receptors;
• occurs independently under the influence of mediators - histamine, serotonin, adrenaline, opioids and others.

The second theory is supported by the fact that itching sensations appear only in the superficial layers of the dermis and the mucous membranes adjacent to it, while pain occurs anywhere in the body. In addition, pain and itching can occur in isolation from each other.

Itching can be localized or spread throughout the body. Due to its occurrence, it is divided into:

• propriocevtive - appears due to a violation of the structure of the dermis;
• neuropathic – observed when the nervous system is damaged;
• neurogenic – without damage to the NS;
• psychogenic – mental disorders.

All types of symptoms differ in intensity, duration and place of occurrence.

Itching of the skin of the body often has objective causes and accompanies any disease. First of all, these include skin diseases :

Another skin condition that causes "scabies" is eczema . It is believed that it occurs against the background of reduced immunity. It can be triggered by stress, nervous tension, as well as hormonal imbalances and allergic reactions.

Eczema is characterized by the formation of foci of rashes in the form of “wet” blisters and pimples, and in some cases dry ones. The itching in this condition is simply unbearable; it is the main symptom of the pathology. The elements are localized on the neck, head, flexor surfaces of the elbows, ankles and knees.

The skin may itch if there are diseases of the internal organs :

1. Kidney - a symptom manifests itself on the skin and in the genital area.
2. Liver - spreads to the face and hands, while the skin turns yellow.
3. Thyroid – dry, flaky and itchy skin on the hands and face.
4. Anemia.
5. Diabetes – the skin and mucous membranes of the genital organs begin to itch due to increased blood glucose levels.
6. Oncological diseases.
7. Hormonal disorders - menopause, pregnancy, menstrual syndrome.
8. Viral infections - herpes, AIDS.
9. Dehydration.

Itchy and “hot” sensations in neuroses

Neurosis is a psychogenic nervous disorder associated with emotional, behavioral and somatovegetative disorders. What distinguishes it from other mental illnesses is that the patient is fully aware of the severity of his condition and strives to get rid of it.

A distinction is made between mental and physical neurosis. Physical neurosis, along with psychogenic disorders, also has physical symptoms. There are several varieties of it.

Skin neurosis is manifested by burning and itching of the skin against the background of its bluish, marbled tint. The skin of the joints and legs becomes rough and tightens.

This condition is characterized by changes in sensitivity. It can be reduced or, conversely, increased when unpleasant sensations appear at the slightest touch. With physical neurosis, the skin itches and “burns” in certain areas or throughout the body, becomes wet or dry. Tactile hallucinations are characteristic.

The patient is so bothered by these manifestations that he scratches his body until it bleeds, leaving wounds and abrasions.

The reasons for this condition are:

• mental and physical stress;
• stress;
• conflict situations;
• brain injuries;
• hormonal disorders;
• infections.

Muscular neurosis . This condition is preceded by physical overexertion, as well as prolonged monotonous activity.

The disease is accompanied by a burning sensation throughout the body or in certain areas against a background of muscle tension and spasms. Another characteristic symptom is pain in the chest, neck and face.

Neurosis of the genital organs . The main manifestations of this syndrome are itching and burning in the genital area, which occur after sexual intercourse, during the menstrual period and for a number of other reasons.

The culprits of the disease are:

• mental infantility;
• chronic fatigue;
• conflicts in the family.

Senestopathies

Burning, itchy feelings provoked by mental disorders are classified as simple thermal senestopathies.

Senestopathies are a variety of unpleasant, intrusive and exhausting impressions that are concentrated on the surface or inside the body. This concept was first learned about in 1907 thanks to the scientists P. Camus and Dupre.

The peculiarity of this condition from true burning and itching is the rich and elaborate way of describing them. For example, “there is a fire in the head”, “the chest is on fire”. The localization is characterized by an unusual presentation: “itching in the stomach area”, “a vessel in the abdomen is pulsating”.

Such episodes can be isolated, constant or paroxysmal. Sometimes they are so intrusive that they literally drive the patient crazy.

Their characteristic feature is tactile hallucinations. They often manifest themselves in terms of itching and tingling. A person claims that bugs or mites are crawling under his skin. In some cases, he even sees them, or it seems to him that crumbs or sand are stuck to his body.

Such hallucinations provoke obsessive actions. The patient persistently visits doctors or tries to get rid of intrusive parasites on his own: he constantly washes himself and disinfects his body.

Mental disorders that lead to similar senestopathies:

• hypochondria;
• neuroses and depression;
• psychoses and psychopathy;
• oneiroid;
• paranoia;
• affective and delusional disorders, etc.