Toxic relationships in the family, work team, and even with strangers can manifest themselves in different ways. Thus, we may encounter open aggression and manipulation from abusers. However, there is a type of aggression that is especially difficult to resist - this is the so-called passive, or hidden, aggression, and each of us can become its victim.
Together with psychologist and women's coach Ksenia Guseva, we discussed the signs of passive aggression, found out why it occurs and how it can be dealt with.
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What is passive aggression?
In simple terms, hidden aggression is any indirect expression of hostility towards a person. This can be subtle sarcasm, unpleasant irony, manipulation and even gossip, intrigue, explicit and implicit insults. What is the main similarity between all these different manifestations? The fact is that the person against whom hidden aggression is directed will have an ambivalent feeling: on the one hand, we feel hurt, and on the other hand, we have nothing to show to the offender, since he did not commit any obvious offensive actions. And as soon as you have such a contradictory feeling, it means that someone has shown that same passive aggression towards you.
What other signs of passive aggression are there?
Let's consider the question using the example of pick-up artists: they have a technique that, in their language, helps to remove the crown from a girl - that is, to belittle her importance in their own eyes. A male pickup artist can give the following compliment: “You are beautiful, just like my ex.” And such phrases with comparisons not in your favor or subtle irony can take on a variety of formulations: “You cook so deliciously, but not like my mother,” “You have a very beautiful dress, but it would be better if it were a different color,” after With these words you understand that you seem to have been praised, but at the same time humiliated a little.
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Managing Aggression: Why do people become more aggressive and how to resist anger?
The word aggression translated means “movement towards an object.” Aggression is the energy that helps us achieve our goals in life and withstand competition. But this is with a normal level of aggression and its correct direction. And if not?
Bad luck haunts William (Michael Douglas). And now his accumulated aggression has passed the “boiling point”! (Film “I’ve had enough!”, 1993)
My son is in 11th grade. There are kids at school who provoke him into fights. Recently I was called to school and told that my son was aggressive and cruel. Perhaps he became like this because he saw his father's rudeness. My husband has a hard job, in a male team, conflicts often arise. Passions run high in our family. How to deal with aggression? How to deal with aggressive people? Maria, 42 years old, Tula.
For many people, the level of aggression is increased and the direction of energy is incorrect. For example, aggression can be directed toward entering college, pursuing a career, or achieving personal goals. But for some reason, a person directs it in a different direction, for example, towards a neighbor who is more fortunate in life, or towards the weak, or towards self-destruction.
Dangerous aggression
The only correct direction of this energy is life achievements, not “over the heads”, but along your own path. And also standing up for your rights. If energy is not used for its intended purpose, it becomes dangerous. Here are four types of misdirected aggression.
1 Identification with the aggressor. The most dangerous type of aggression provokes cruelty and crime. From childhood, a person is brought up in an atmosphere of cruelty. He is the object of bullying and learns that people are divided into two categories: strong (in his understanding, aggressive, cruel, who can mock, suppress) and weak (victims). This child no longer sees the other side of the world.
He doesn’t want to be weak, and he identifies with the strong (with the aggressor). Then in life he himself becomes cruel and aggressive. He has no pity for the victims, because in order to feel sorry, he needs to “take the place of the weak.” And he cannot afford this, he has suffered too much in the role of the weak. That is why they say that an aggressor or rapist is a victim of aggression and violence in the past.
2 Aggression suppressed. Most often this happens in childhood. The child is forbidden to get angry, defend his point of view, or fight back. Or he is physically and mentally weak and is afraid to show aggression even in the most harmless form. And it becomes a “quiet pool” in which “devils roam.” Aggression does not go away, it remains inside.
A quiet and harmless “nerd” may one day go off the rails in such a way that no one will find it enough.
If aggression never finds a way out, it will begin to destroy the person himself. Diseases, problems, complexes become attached. A person destroys himself with the help of alcohol, drugs, gambling and computer games.
3 Aggression of a loser. Envy, anger at the whole world, confidence that “everything is wrong” in the world, it is ruled by evil, money, etc. Instead of realizing oneself, a person becomes angry or takes revenge on those more fortunate. The person himself may not even be aware of the reasons for his aggression.
4 Aggression redirected. For example, at work your boss made you very angry, but you cannot enter into an open confrontation with him and take your anger out on an accessible object: your husband, your child. Unfortunately, it is the weaker ones who suffer here, those who cannot fight back.
Why is everyone so angry
In the modern world, rates of all types of aggression are rising. People were divided into lucky and unlucky, rich and poor. This means that losers take out their aggression on successful ones. And the successful are forced to fight for their place in the sun.
The frantic pace of life forces us to suppress aggression and take it out on our family. Because there is no time to sit down and talk with your opponent, to understand yourself, to calm down. TV is replete with scandals, violence and disasters. This increases the level of aggression tenfold.
How to deal with an aggressor?
The main thing, if you meet an aggressor, is not to be on the same wavelength with him. Any aggressor splashes out evil not on a random person, but on a suitable victim. If your level of aggression is elevated, you will attract the aggressor to you like a magnet. If you're on a different wavelength, he won't notice you. For example, in a dark alley they will ask a passerby who is angry at someone for a “light.”
If the aggressor attacks, do not succumb to provocation, remain calm, mentally play the role of a good person, remember Christian values. Even this is often enough to calm the aggressor.
The main thing is not to respond to aggression with anger. Even if the situation requires you to intimidate the aggressor, respond harshly, or otherwise stand up for yourself, do so, but remain calm inside. If the aggressor is reasonable (we are talking about your boss, not the bully), use psychological aikido: start your speech with the word “yes”, find something to agree with the aggressor on, take his position, sympathize.
Just numbers How often do you get angry?
Advice from a psychologist How to cope with your aggression
1 If you notice that you are often angry and irritable, try to understand what and why irritates you. Often what causes anger in us is precisely what we have in ourselves or what we cannot afford. A lonely and complex woman is annoyed by a nymphet in a miniskirt. Someone who is greedy but hides it will be enraged by greed in others.
2 Put yourself in the shoes of those who irritate you, think and feel like them. Maybe they have reasons to behave this way? Empathize with them.
3 If you often get angry and irritated with people for no reason, think: what is wrong in your life? Perhaps this is redirected aggression. Maybe you are not satisfied with your family relationships, and you lash out at your subordinates? Or vice versa. Think about a solution to your current problem.
4 If you are angry with a particular person and are thinking in your head “oh, what kind of person is he...!”, try to talk frankly with him and discuss the issues of concern. A frank conversation will clarify a lot.
5 If the level of aggression is off the charts, maybe you just need to rest? Get some sleep, do your favorite things, relax. Everyone has their own way of relaxing and cleansing from irritation: yoga, meditation, sports, sauna, communication, creativity.
Dear readers!
I'm waiting for your reviews at anzhela-har [email protected] .
Angela Kharitonova, practical psychologist.
Who can be a passive aggressor?
Anyone can be a passive aggressor, even children. Moreover, children often do this unconsciously. Let's give an example: a mother checks whether her homework is done, comes into the child's room, says: “Have you done your homework?”, and the child replies: “Now, now, I’ll do everything.” And this is repeated several times, although it is obvious that the task has not been completed. This is open agreement, but hidden contradiction is also passive aggression. And when the mother can no longer restrain herself and lashes out at the child, she is told that she is angry all the time. At this moment, the manipulation is closed: the mother begins to feel guilty, and the child immediately has carte blanche for unfinished homework.
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Such hidden hostility can take completely different forms, so you should not associate this phenomenon only with abusers, manipulators and toxic people. In fact, each of us can be a passive aggressor from time to time and each of us can find ourselves in the position of a victim.
It is important to remember that all parties to the conflict have their own goal. For a victim, it is to provoke open aggression; for an abuser, it is to reduce the importance of a person and try to advance their interests; for manipulators, the third goal is to openly control a person through such phenomena.
Remember
- The algorithm for combating online aggression is the same for both individuals and companies.
- First, determine the nature of the bullying: ordered or spontaneous.
- If you are “ordered”, evaluate your capabilities. You may need additional resources to combat aggression.
- If the aggression is spontaneous: remember that it is usually the lot of mentally unbalanced people, so do not react to trolling if possible, or react, but try not to provoke your opponent; do not rush to answer - take pauses; determine the reason for the aggressive behavior, if you are wrong, apologize, if the truth is on your side, give a dry official answer; Remember that interest in a topic on the Internet quickly disappears after it stops being discussed.
See also: Stress at work.
How to cope with the negative attitude of staff Develop with us: the catalog of the Russian School of Management contains more than 700 online courses and 500 video courses.
Learn in a convenient format anytime and anywhere! Stepan Dobrodumov Author of the media portal of the Russian School of Management
What causes passive aggression?
This is primarily influenced by interaction with parents. If it was not customary in the family to express emotions (including aggression, anger, irritation), and mom and dad did not teach how to get angry in an environmentally friendly manner, then it will be more difficult for the child to cope with these negative emotions. This can be clearly seen in the behavior of young children. One child, when angry, will throw sand in the face of another, and the other will simply move away and stomp his foot - his mother taught him: if you are angry, stomp your foot on the floor - and he showed aggression, and did not hurt anyone.
If there was a ban on aggression or any other emotions in your family, then most likely you will often resort to passive aggression - this will simply be your defense mechanism: you don’t know any other way.
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Then, as adults, many begin to realize that hidden aggression is actually beneficial. And if the environment lends itself to such manipulation, then an understanding is formed: when I express passive aggression, I get what I want. Then the person begins to select people into his circle without self-confidence, strong self-esteem, with whom it is easy to carry out such actions. Here we already come to the terms “abuser”, “manipulator” and so on.
The third option is when your passive aggression is a reaction to aggression from another person. You feel that the other person is hostile towards you, and you unconsciously react.
Forms of manifestation of aggression. Ways to utilize aggression by adults
Taboo forms of expressing aggression include behavior that can cause harm or harm to living beings, nature or the person himself - for example, physical, sexual, psychological violence, insults, humiliation, public ridicule, threats, harassment, harsh criticism, rough treatment, loud shouting , damage to property, etc.
Eco-friendly forms include ways of physically expressing anger that do not cause damage or harm to people and all living things and do not lead to negative consequences.
You can utilize your aggression with the help of team sports, especially where there is physical contact (volleyball, football, boxing, martial arts), running, spontaneous dancing to fast music, sex, you can also try screaming, loudly singing rhythmic songs or playing the drums. In situations where it is not possible to express anger physically, you can try to imagine the offender or the object of anger and mentally beat him. In addition, to relieve tension in such a situation, you can try to breathe deeply: in this case, the exhalation should be longer than the inhalation (for example, inhale for 4 counts, and exhale for 6 or 8 counts).
At the same time, in order to utilize aggression as much as possible, it is important to understand who or what you are angry at, since anger, as a rule, is always objective. If aggression relates to a specific person, then it is necessary to imagine him and hit something soft with all his might (pillow, sofa, punching bag, fitness ball, etc.). If you feel anger directed at yourself, then you need to realize its true causes. It can be constructive if it is necessary to control any negative behavior that harms you or others, and it can be unconstructive, for example, if you do not accept any shortcomings in yourself. In both cases, it is necessary to try to eliminate the cause of anger, otherwise over time it can turn into auto-aggression destructive for the individual and the body.
If you cannot identify the object of anger or determine its causes, you should consult a psychologist. In the process of psychotherapeutic work with adults, I often encounter displaced aggression, for example, when an adult takes out his anger on a child or partner, finding fault with every little thing, but is actually angry at his parents or boss at work.
How to deal with passive aggression and not take it personally?
The best vaccination is pumping yourself up, self-love and confidence. In this case, no abusers or manipulators will be able to hurt your feelings. People with shaky self-esteem attract a toxic environment - manipulators, abusers, tyrants. And if you see such a manifestation in your direction, then first of all look at what people are mirroring to you. Because we are a mirror reflection of our environment. It doesn’t happen that everyone around you is a toxic abuser, and you are white and fluffy. Most likely, there is an internal benefit to surrounding yourself with such people, to being in the position of a victim.
The second step is to understand what else you can do to avoid facing such problems. And here, as a rule, you need to work with your self-esteem, your self-worth as a woman, a specialist, a professional. And also develop clear internal criteria for yourself that will help you objectively evaluate yourself. For example, you have a job description, and if you comply with it, then you are a good professional. You have your own idea of yourself, which helps you understand what kind of woman, what kind of person you are. And then a manipulator on a date or a tyrant leader will not be able to instill anything in you or destroy your self-esteem.
How to respond to hidden aggression?
React openly and name your feelings through so-called “I messages.” Use the formula: “ I + my feeling + a fact that does not suit me .” For example, “I get angry when people don’t talk to me.” Or “I would like us to discuss this issue openly.” Or “I don’t like mentioning ex-girlfriends on a date.”
A passive aggressor has no chance against an open, self-confident person who knows how to talk about his feelings, knows how to voice them, and voice them environmentally - through facts.
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But here it is important not to turn into an open aggressor in response: not to say “you-messages”. “You-message” is a response to a claim, a resentment, and it will only make the situation worse. For example: “Again you don’t listen to me, again you don’t answer me, again you offend me.” What does the phrase “you offend me” mean? We always choose for ourselves whether to be offended or not - we are the masters of our own feelings. Therefore, only “I-message and a fact that does not suit you,” and then open, honest communication. And this will ensure you victory in everything, not only in the case of passive aggression, but also in conflicts in a couple, conflict situations at work, and so on.
Signs that warn of aggression
For people with mental disorders, anger does not arise out of nowhere. If you carefully observe the patient, you can notice signs that prevent the appearance of aggression:
- the patient is delusional or hallucinating (perhaps he hears outside voices telling him what to do);
- brain damage due to a neuroinfectious disease or traumatic brain injury;
- criminal history;
- young age;
- tendency to impulsive reactions or an antisocial lifestyle;
- repeated treatment in psychiatric clinics;
- dependence on alcohol or illicit substances.
Most often, psychiatrists observe aggression in paranoid schizophrenia. The patient's delusions especially increase the chances of such behavior (persecution - when the patient seems to be under surveillance, relationships - the person is sure that his loved ones want to harm him). Sometimes the condition may not be associated with real people.
If the patient's loved ones observe any of the listed signs, they should already understand what the consequences caused by impulsivity may be. To prevent this, you need to seek qualified help. Most often we are talking about hospitalization of the patient.
What to do if passive aggression manifests itself in a team?
In a team, passive aggression can be expressed not only in words, but also in deeds. For example, an employee may postpone a deadline until the last minute, thereby keeping you, as a manager or colleague, in suspense. In a business environment, an example of passive aggression can also be called the phrase: “I thought you knew” - that is, not saying some important things from the very beginning. Or “With your education, you could have guessed it yourself” - this is also an example of manipulation and an attempt to make you feel guilty.
And in this case, we also need open dialogue and communication using “I - messages”: “I get angry when work is not sent at the right time,” “I get upset when tasks are not spelled out from the very beginning.” And when you have a clear structure and support in the form of job regulations or at least your own criteria for perceiving yourself, you will never feel guilty.
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How to understand that you are dealing with hidden aggression
Hidden aggression, like overt aggression, can be verbal (statements containing hidden devaluations, veiled criticism, ridicule, accusations) and behavioral (actions that cannot formally be called violent, but they harm the opponent). Therefore, hidden aggression can be hidden under a variety of masks.
- Depreciation and extinction. When talking to you, the aggressor downplays your problems to make them seem insignificant and unimportant. Denies your values, neglects you, refuses help and support. He can joke harshly about what is important to you. Makes fun of your plans and achievements. As an example of the phrase: “only idiots laugh at such jokes,” “do you seriously think that you can do it,” “any fool would do that,” “well, you’re always wrong,” etc. As a result, you begin to limit yourself in expressing your opinions, emotions, plans, considering them unimportant and stupid.
- Doing good. With this method, all requests, boundaries and desires are ignored “for your own good.” For example, a grandmother who comes to visit without warning invades personal territory and puts her own order in the family, because she knows better how to do it. Obsessive unnecessary care and gifts that are then demanded to be used. This also includes advice from “kind” people, usually from a patronizing, “parental” position (“Are you getting better, is everything okay?”, “I, of course, don’t like this, but this is a good option for you,” “ The dress is beautiful, but I wouldn’t dare wear it at your age, you’re great.” It is important to remember that if something is done against the will of another person, it can already be classified as aggression. An unsolicited comment about someone's appearance or makeup, choice of partner or lifestyle is a violation of boundaries.
- Ignoring and refusing to communicate. One of the most common techniques. A way to induce feelings of guilt, demonstratively punish and even re-educate you. While the aggressor is silent, you will torment yourself, go through everything you said in your head, look for options to improve the situation. The purpose of ignoring is to gain control over the situation, pushing through your position, and making your opponent feel guilty. Sometimes this game of silence can drag on for a long time. “This also includes the aggressor’s silence about his feelings and emotions,” says Olga Turovtseva. - This is when they don’t directly tell you about the problem, but with their behavior and appearance they show that it exists (sighs, glances, nervous walking, etc.). And to your questions about what is happening, they will answer you with a pained look that everything is fine, you, of course, don’t care about my opinion.”
- Gaslighting . A method of hidden aggression, when the aggressor consciously tries to make another person doubt the adequacy of the perception of the surrounding reality, his own memory, and judgment.
- Manipulation of feelings of guilt and pity. Two painful spots that hidden aggressors regularly try to hit. Examples: “talking about this topic raises my blood pressure,” “I did everything for you, and now you…”.
- Forgetfulness, deliberate delay or failure to fulfill agreements. You will not be denied help, but your request will be deliberately forgotten.
Is it possible to point out to a person that he is showing passive aggression?
There is a danger in taking on the role of coach and rescuer. Often, when we learn to see manifestations of passive aggression, to scan it, we have a desire to teach everyone, help everyone, cure everyone. And this is also a very toxic story. Therefore, you do everything that depends on you yourself, and the system will fix everything else for you.
What does this mean? If every woman refuses a manipulator who makes ugly compliments, sooner or later he will change his mind. If your employee or colleague is fined over and over again for not meeting deadlines, he will also correct himself sooner or later. There are resources in society and various systems that fix everything for you. Therefore, you don’t need to be some kind of “forest orderly” and treat everyone around you.
Inducement to aggression
If a person has already learned to act aggressively - and knows when, where, and against whom this can be done - then what determines whether he will actually commit aggressive acts?
Factors on which aggressive behavior depends according to social learning theory:
- Aversive (from Latin aversatio - disgust) events.
- Frustration (from Latin frustratio - deception, futile expectation).
- Aversive attenuation of reinforcement.
Commentators on cases of collective aggression have pointed to this provoking stimulus (especially when it manifests itself in the form of people's perceived deprivation in comparison with others or their perceived hardships of life as unfair, rather than hardships and deprivations in an absolute sense) as the main cause of mob violence , riots, etc.
- Verbal threats and insults.
Verbal insults especially often provoke an aggressive reaction in the form of the use of physical force if they pose a threat to reputation, manhood and public humiliation. The likelihood of using force in response to an offensive act is especially high when it is difficult to avoid a confrontation and when the provoking actions are severe and frequent.
- Physical violence.
- Models (person, etc.), through imitation of which patterns of aggressive behavior were acquired.
- Observing another person (model) behaving aggressively.
If we observe another person (model) who behaves aggressively and is not punished for it, such observation can have a disinhibitory effect and can lead to the observer displaying open aggression. If the model is rewarded for showing aggression, the effect of a facilitation reaction (English: facilitate) may occur. From now on, the model’s behavior serves as an incentive for the same behavior. Observing manifestations of aggression often causes emotional arousal in the observer, which facilitates the emergence of aggressive behavior.
Incentives
Type of aggression: Instrumental aggression
The task is to receive encouragement.
Aggression very often brings dividends, and aggression for the purpose of receiving rewards allows the aggressor to receive a highly valued reward in society (fashionable, expensive, etc.). And this is precisely one of the obstacles - perhaps a significant one - to successful, widespread control of aggressive behavior.
Following the instructions
One person can become aggressive towards another while carrying out an order. Obedience is nurtured and differentially rewarded by family and school throughout childhood and adolescence, and then by numerous social institutions throughout adult life (at work, in military service, etc.).
Irrational beliefs, inner voices, paranoid suspicion, ideas of divine messages, delusions of grandeur - all of these can act as motivators for aggression. It can act as a subjectively perceived means of self-defense, embodiment of ideas of messianism, manifestation of heroism, etc. The role of delusional ideas as a factor provoking aggression should not be underestimated, although the frequency of this form of motivation is usually greatly overestimated.
Influence of environmental factors
Recently, psychologists have begun to show increasing interest in the influence of external events on human behavior; even a special subfield of environmental psychology has emerged, dedicated to the in-depth study of environmental events as incentives for aggression. Factors such as crowding, temperature, noise and other environmental characteristics were examined. Whether aggressive behavior is actually caused by cramped conditions, hot days and nights, high noise levels, and other similar factors is likely to depend in some complex way on the physical intensity of these environmental characteristics, their personological attributes, the level of emotional arousal they cause, and also the interactions of these factors, external constraints and other considerations.
How can you express your feelings in an environmentally friendly manner without offending anyone?
This question can be reformulated: not how can I throw out accumulated emotions, but how can I generally live in such a way that it is joyful, resourceful and happy. What can be done for this?
The first is to look at your role in different systems. We often experience a feeling of heaviness and irritation when we confuse our roles. For example, when we take on the role of a mother in our relationship with our parents, we teach them how to live correctly and give them some advice. In a relationship with my husband, when we behave not like a spouse, but like a capricious girl, we say how tired we are and how bad everything is. Your man did not want to marry a capricious little girl, so at this stage the relationship deteriorates: the male initiative and sexual relations disappear. Or when at work we violate deadlines, do not work for the benefit of the company, do not value our place - and as a result we begin to receive fines from the system.
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And when all this accumulates, the question is - what should I do to express this in an environmentally friendly way? – it’s no longer worth it. You can go out into the forest and scream if it helps. But tomorrow you will start doing the same thing, and you will feel bad again. Therefore, you need to look at the whole: how to live happily, in balance, how to be in your place in each system.
From simple recommendations, it is always to work with self-love, acceptance of your family, your parents and self-worth. These are three whales on which a man floats. And then he will no longer have questions about how to throw out emotions, he will have a question - how to increase it, how to give more, what to do with the accumulated love, what else can I do for my partner, loved one, work and for clients. And such a world is already much more interesting.
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