Jealousy is an unpleasant feeling that is difficult to experience. It occurs when it seems to us that a loved one is paying attention and love to someone else. People strive to preserve what is important to them, and with the help of jealousy they demonstrate their importance to their partner. But uncontrolled jealousy, especially its frequent outbursts, can develop into anger, provoke feelings of guilt and lead to conflicts. In such situations, jealousy can become a reason that destroys relationships.
Let's figure out why we are jealous, whether we need jealousy and when we need to fight it.
Who is jealous and why?
Jealousy is a complex psychological phenomenon, an acquired reaction that we exhibit in certain situations that are different for each person. The feeling of jealousy appears and develops in childhood. Children may be jealous of one parent for another, or of a brother or sister for their parents.
The first similar feeling a child feels is when he is weaned. This feeling of resentment, injustice, rejection by the mother is a normal new experience, which will subsequently become the basis for feelings of jealousy. Teenagers are jealous of friends and lovers, and this feeling can completely absorb boys and girls with low self-esteem.
Jealousy manifests itself as a reaction to injustice, due to anxiety and feelings of helplessness, inability to express love or self-centeredness - failure to accept points of view other than one's own.
Photo by Liane Metzler on Unsplash
For adults, the reasons for jealousy are fear of not receiving enough attention from a significant person, losing the attention and love of loved ones, as well as envy of someone because of their achievements, living conditions and other reasons. The main factor in the manifestation of jealousy is the feeling of a threat to something important, and the threat may be far-fetched. We feel jealousy most intensely in romantic relationships.
What does an attack of jealousy lead to?
Any manifestation of jealousy is a showdown. And if the first few times you can laugh at the jealous person, then when such attacks become regular, no one is laughing anymore.
The first thing that quarrels due to jealousy lead to is a disruption of peace and relationships in a couple. If a man can “explode” and express his complaints to a woman right away, then the wife will harbor thoughts and conjectures, poisoning the life of her loved one with her suspicion and reproaches. The second consequence of jealousy of spouses is children who withdraw into themselves. The child is unable to understand why in a family where mom and dad love each other, quarrels with screams and hysterics break out from time to time. How to explain to a child the reason for these scandals if adults themselves cannot really formulate it for themselves? And the children themselves are not able to understand and understand this situation. This can cause mental disorders in children. A jealous person, without meaning to, gives his partner’s imagination food for fantasy. If before that the spouse did not even think that he was so significant and desirable, now he has an excuse and has no desire to return home to scandal and claims. A person simply decides to cheat. The culmination of the consequences of jealousy can be what the jealous person was so afraid of - a break in the relationship. Sooner or later, the other half will get tired of making excuses and listening to reproaches, and she will simply leave, loudly slamming the door. It will be difficult to restore the relationship; the second time a person is unlikely to agree to go to the “hell” called “life with a jealous person.” A jealous person, igniting this feeling in himself and inventing more and more new details, ensures that his jealousy acquires the features of an obsessive mental illness - hysteria of jealousy. This disease literally eats a person from the inside, depriving him of reason and common sense.
Why do we need jealousy?
Jealousy is characteristic of every person: evolutionarily, it was established as a necessary reaction because it helped us survive. First, pain or sadness prevents you from acting quickly and accurately. Jealousy helps you overcome this, feel threatened and try to quickly solve the problem. Secondly, jealousy is part of the rivalry that man has faced for most of his historical existence. It helped compete for a sexual partner and other important and limited resources.
Features of competition influenced the fact that female and male jealousy are different. The evolutionary meaning of male jealousy is to protect oneself from raising someone else’s offspring, which was a frequent occurrence in polygamy. Since the male could not be 100% sure that he was spending energy on raising his own cubs, jealousy began to manifest itself more strongly in relation to sexual betrayal.
For women, the situation is different: females tried to make sure that the partner spent all possible resources only on her and her offspring. These resources should not have been given to others because this was the key to survival. Therefore, female jealousy is stronger in relation to emotional betrayal, when the partner pays more attention to the other woman.
Private practice psychologist Veronika Pivkina explains: “In psychology, not a single feeling is considered unimportant, even anger, sadness and jealousy are needed for something. They help us, but some of their manifestations may be socially unacceptable: in such cases, people may consider themselves bad because of it.”
Jealousy helps us maintain a couple, since we have always strived to leave more offspring. Culture and society offer us completely different norms of behavior and values. In addition, jealousy can be looked at as a point for development: the manifestation of negatively colored emotions demonstrates our weaknesses. For example, one woman is jealous of her partner for another woman because she is thinner. This happens due to internal complexes, and to solve the problem, you first need to work on yourself.
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Jealousy is inherent in everyone, and it is normal to feel it. This feeling is ingrained in us for the sake of survival, since for most of our history we have had to fight for survival. Now a woman is able to raise a child on her own, and there is no need for jealousy for the sake of survival. Keeping your partner, no matter what, is no longer necessary; it is more important to build a comfortable and healthy relationship. Jealousy should be accepted, but not allowed to take control of you: strong and aggressive outbursts of jealousy destroy relationships and harm everyone.
How to get rid of jealousy?
There are several ways to get rid of jealousy.
- You need to remove from your life everything that interferes with love.
Jealousy often pushes a person to play spy games. This consists of constantly checking the phone of a loved one, husband, his clothes, a ban on communication with representatives of the opposite sex, etc. Such people consider it “normal” that in their relationships love is accompanied by jealousy. Moreover, the latter feeling has the same rights as love. However, jealousy is a poison here, not a helper. Therefore, first you need to understand and realize the uselessness of these emotions.
- You should stop being afraid
Fear creates barriers to our thoughts about the future. A person thinks only in a negative way during the period of realization of his fear. It is necessary to cross this line mentally. Strong attachment gives birth to fear of loss. And this creates obstacles to enjoying the present. It is a mistake to think that love cannot exist without strong attachment.
- Comparison should be prohibited
You can't compare other men and women to yourself. People are not a commodity in a market or supermarket. Each of us is individual in everything. Each person has his own “capital”, accumulated over the years. And this is much more than simple attractiveness and passion.
- Relationships need to be constantly worked on.
In order not to give jealousy a single chance to darken the relationship, you should constantly work on it. And definitely together, together. Pay more attention to each other, communicate, go for walks, be interested in desires and problems, trust and care, etc. Don’t forget to surprise and delight each other, add variety to your relationship. Stopping a relationship can provoke jealousy and even destroy it.
- It's better not to give free rein to your fantasies
It is human nature to fantasize. If your loved one or spouse is late, for example, at a business meeting, you should not immediately attribute infidelity to him. After all, you can come up with anything. Against this background, reasonable arguments lose all force and authority. You should concentrate on something else so that your jealousy does not break out out of the blue.
- Don't obsess over your partner's life
If a person fully lives the life and problems of his significant other, then the doors are often open to jealousy in the relationship. To avoid this, you should diversify your interests, expand your social circle, and find a hobby. Naturally, new hobbies should not be a reason to ignore your husband, children, or loved one.
- You should do the opposite of what jealousy “tells”
You can't act on this feeling. It’s better not to give an evil, withering glance at a person who, for example, started talking to your girlfriend at a party. You can simply greet him politely and make an acquaintance.
- Don't play on feelings
When you have doubts about your partner’s fidelity, it is better to immediately clarify the situation. A calm heart-to-heart conversation with your significant other is preferable to the option of spy games and scandals. However, first you need to realize how much the situation requires such a sincere conversation. Cherish your relationships.
- Without trust there is no strong relationship
Trust is actually the key to a healthy relationship between partners. When something worries and there are certain fears, the union needs changes. Otherwise, jealousy will destroy him from the inside.
How to deal with jealousy in a relationship
Uncontrolled manifestations of jealousy can destroy relationships, as they are often associated with aggression and humiliation of the partner’s dignity. This shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship.
“A person may be afraid of losing a partner and not show jealousy openly. Then he torments himself by secretly checking his partner’s things, reading his messages, and begins to follow him. These are unhealthy manifestations of jealousy that debilitate a person. All the energy that could be spent on something useful and productive is spent on jealousy,” says Veronika Pivkina.
What dangers does jealousy pose to human health?
What is the goal of any jealous person? Preventing your partner from physically cheating on you. This means that every outbreak of jealousy is a serious blow to a person’s nervous and cardiovascular system.
At the same time, the following processes occur in the body:
The release of a large portion of adrenaline into the blood; The human cardiovascular system has difficulty coping with the flow of blood, which spreads through the organs at breakneck speed and “puts pressure” on the heart, causing it to pound or freeze; The human brain experiences enormous overstrain, which is comparable to that which occurs when we learn about the death of a loved one.
The result of these processes is shock. The human immune system is unable to cope with systematic attacks of jealousy, and the body becomes depleted. The result of all of the above is the following diseases:
Anorexia; Obesity; Nervous breakdowns; Stroke; Heart attack; Impotence; Frigidity.
Love and Jealousy: general definitions
Love (in relationships) is an emotion expressed in the desire for a partner of the opposite sex to establish permanent sexually intimate, as well as everyday and social connections, including for the purpose of procreation.
As a rule, love is a manifestation of chemical reactions of the body's hormonal system, affecting the limbic system, in order to establish forms of attachment to an object of the opposite sex. Jealousy is a feeling of pretension that arises in relation to a loved one who pays excessive attention (imaginary or actual) in relation to another person.
Jealousy is considered a destructive feeling, expressed in a “sense of ownership” towards the object of one’s love and affection.
Now let's look at the feeling of jealousy in more detail.
Categories of jealousy in relationships
• Man-Woman • Parents-Children • Brothers, Sisters • Friends, Girlfriends • Professional Relationships
The article discusses jealousy only between a man and a woman.
So, in short: what is the basis of the sexual relationship between a man and a woman?
Procreation, passing on one's genes to one's offspring. This is inherent in us by nature. And the feeling of desire to “possess” your partner is, as a rule, dictated by precisely this natural factor from which, on the one hand, flows feelings of attraction, love, affection, and on the other, a feeling of jealousy and the desire to possess and control a loved one.
A man’s priorities in relationships, determined by nature:
• Sex as the satisfaction of one’s physiological needs, and subsequently a mechanism for transmitting one’s genes to offspring.
• Family, as a form of regular sexual pleasure and provision of household amenities for oneself.
A woman’s priorities in relationships, determined by nature:
• Family as a mechanism for raising and protecting one's offspring. As well as the formation of comfortable social and living conditions for both themselves and their children.
• Sex as a form of attracting a man and further retaining him. And only subsequently a form of satisfaction of physiological needs.
These are the primary factors of M+F relationships, followed by associated factors, consequences and various forms of social contracts.
...A woman by nature has a sexual attraction to alpha males, and a desire to build a life together, a family and raising children, with beta or gamma males
(from video lecture: Jealousy: causes and consequences )
Jealousy as a form of partner manipulation
• A woman, by flirting and flirting with other men, seeks to arouse jealousy in her partner. This is one of her ways of manipulating a man. Men are less prone to this form of manipulation.
• Lies often begin with the phrase: “Darling, we must trust each other.” One of the most common forms of partner manipulation
• Causing jealousy in a partner in order to increase one’s own importance in his (her) perception
• Formation of pathological jealousy in a partner in order to obtain the right and opportunity to satisfy one’s sexual perversions, such as: group sex, bisexual contact, BDSM, Sado-Masochism, and so on.
• An open act of courting a third-party partner, up to and including sexual contact with her, with the goal of humiliating one’s partner and suppressing her (his) psyche. A form of dominance that is more common in men than in women.
• Manifestation of feigned jealousy, as a form of inducing “feelings of guilt” in a partner (more typical for women).
• Searching for new reasons for jealousy: digging through the phone, monitoring social networks and telephone conversations, in order to put pressure on the partner’s psyche.
… and so on.
Types of jealousy
Formally, all types of jealousy can be divided into two groups:
► Normal jealousy ► Pathological jealousy
To put it simply, pathological forms of jealousy include all those conditions that lead to a state of psychological discomfort and negative consequences in relationships.
• Normal jealousy is a feeling of excitement and concern about a loved one with a lack of information about his (her) life.
• Pathological jealousy – jealousy, with a deviation from the norm, causing a feeling of discomfort, depression, psychological disorders, sexual deviations (deviations) and perversions (perversions).
• Paranoid jealousy – jealousy based on hyper-fantasies that are not related to the real state of affairs.
• Psychopathic jealousy – manifestation of jealousy in the form of hysterics.
• Narcissistic jealousy is a manifestation of jealousy towards a partner based on objective or erroneously low self-esteem.
• Masochistic jealousy – receiving perverse pleasure while experiencing feelings of jealousy, up to provoking a partner to engage in intimate activities “on the side.”
• Despotic jealousy – jealousy expressed in the form of persecution of a partner, with the aim of causing him both psychological and physical harm, up to and including grievous bodily harm and murder.
• Suicidal jealousy – jealousy, when it is impossible to take out anger on a partner, leading to self-deprecation, even causing physical harm to oneself, in its extreme form manifested in suicide.
Jealousy as a cause of sexual deviations
It is jealousy that often underlies sexual deviations associated with perversions (perversions) of swing relationships, cuckold sexwife and some forms of BDSM. Sexual deviations of this kind manifest themselves as a defensive reaction to pathological jealousy.
Let's look at an example:
Family: Vasily and Maria. Vasya loves Masha. And Masha flirts with other men right in front of Vasya. Moreover, he often flirts with men of higher status, wealth and social success. Vasya’s attempts to dissuade Masha from this kind of hostile manipulation towards him do not lead to a positive result. Vasily experiences suffering from feelings of jealousy, which are aggravated by fantasies based on a lack of information about Maria’s behavior outside the home. The defense mechanisms of Vasily’s psyche are triggered in such a way that they form positive emotions towards Maria’s potentially destructive form of behavior. And Vasily suddenly begins to experience sexual arousal from the fantasy of imagining Maria having sex with other men. And there you have it, the new couple is ready for a swing relationship and a perversion of the Cuckold-Sexwife character.
Cuckold-Sexwife - an intimate relationship in a couple in which the Husband (cuckold) gets pleasure from the fact that his Wife has sex “on the side” (refers to sexual deviations)
The reason for the occurrence of this sexual deviation usually lies in the area of experiencing a mixed feeling of love, hyper-attachment and pathological jealousy towards one’s partner.
This is just one of many options for the development of sexual deviations (deviations) based on jealousy. I consider in more detail the various forms of manifestation of pathological jealousy, manifested in the form of deviations or perversions, with clients in psychotherapeutic work, both individually and in my video lectures.
Jealousy as a psychological disorder
Not all types of jealousy should be considered psychological
disorder, however, if you lose control over this feeling, it can lead to very negative consequences both for the personal psyche and for relationships with a partner.
Pathological (abnormal) jealousy is one of the most common causes of both psychological disorders and sexual deviations (deviations) and perversions (perversions). Therefore, it is very important to monitor and prevent the development of pathological jealousy in the early stages.
Psychotherapy for morbid jealousy
How to properly organize psychotherapeutic work with pathological jealousy:
• First of all, of course, analytical work is carried out to diagnose the manifestations and causes of the appearance of one or another form of jealousy. The objectivity of the reasons causing jealousy is determined. Unfortunately, some psychologists immediately try to rid their client of feelings of jealousy, defining jealousy as a destructive feeling in itself. This is a common misconception. As we have already found out, jealousy is often not only a manifestation of love and affection, but also a completely justified defense mechanism against hostile manipulation on the part of a partner (see my works on the topic: #DS: psychology of influence, Dominance and Manipulation)
• Once the causes and circumstances of jealousy have been determined, cognitive behavioral therapy is carried out to change psychological stereotypes and form appropriate positive patterns of behavior.
• If necessary, and to enhance the effectiveness of transformation, hypnotherapy and neuromodeling are carried out in order to identify, change and “re-prescribe” subconscious aspects of the psyche that are inaccessible at the cognitive psychoanalytic level of psychotherapy.
As a rule, psychotherapy for jealousy refers to psychocorrection and does not require the involvement of deep aspects of the personality, so 10-12 sessions with a professional are sufficient. But here (as in any psychotherapeutic work) it is important to note the competence of the specialist who carries out the psychocorrection of jealousy. Such a specialist must have knowledge not only in the field of family psychology and relationships, but also in the field of sexual deviations and perversions, as well as possess a wide arsenal of psychotherapeutic methods, including psychoanalysis with cognitive behavioral therapy, and the skills of hypnotherapy and neuromodeling .
One-sided treatment of mental disorders when working with jealousy can lead to very disastrous consequences:
For example, psychoanalytic work without hypnotherapy can last for years, during which time the marriage will break up and the psyche will form a number of ingrained perversions, which will become more and more difficult to get rid of.
The other extreme - hypnotherapy (including the NLP approach) without proper analytical study will give, at best, an unstable result with further manifestation of mental instability, at worst - it will lead to too aggressive dynamics in the formation of perverted patterns of reaction to relationships, up to the formation of new deviations and perversions, as protective aspects of the psyche against too aggressive psycho-dynamic influence.
Only systemic comprehensive psychotherapy from a competent specialist will allow you not only to keep the destructive component of feelings of jealousy under control, but also to maintain the health of your own psyche and the pleasure, harmony, joy and happiness of intimate relationships with your lover. More details about We look at jealousy and its causes and consequences in the video lecture.
Is jealousy really one of the manifestations of love?
It is believed that the absence of jealousy between partners is a sure sign that love does not exist and only simple affection takes place. Psychologists say the opposite - these feelings are considered more opposite than similar and do not always indicate the presence of love.
Jealousy arises from the partner’s fears that he will be left alone, and the subconscious fear of losing his soul mate becomes the cause of numerous obstacles on the path to family happiness. Mutual understanding, affection, and trust disappear in the family; they are replaced by mutual reproaches, the desire to keep the partner under control, quarrels and scandals.
What to do if jealousy dominates the relationship and is there a way to get rid of unpleasant discomfort in the family? Psychologists warn that if the factor provoking scandals and misunderstandings is not eliminated in a timely manner, life for both spouses will turn into hell.
A spouse seeking to control his other half will monitor almost every move. This is allowed only in the first stages of living together or during the development of a love affair, but after marriage, jealousy is not allowed - lack of trust can put an end to the marriage bond and cause a painful divorce.
What methods do doctors use to treat morbid jealousy?
Pathological jealousy is difficult to treat. Therapy is preceded by the doctor’s determination of the psychological, social and biological characteristics of each specific patient. The greatest successes in therapy can be achieved with the help of psychopharmacotherapy: specific neuroleptics, mood stabilizers, neurometabolic therapy, sedatives. Psychotherapy and physiotherapy are used in combination with medications. Isolation from the familiar environment (for example, hospitalization in a hospital) can have a positive effect on the prevalence of ideas of jealousy.
What should a woman do?
The presence of a disturbing state in a partner cannot be left without a reaction. Jealousy will not lead to anything good. Often it becomes the reason for the breakdown of relationships and violence. You shouldn't get into situations like this. If a man is jealous, you need to act.
With the right attitude, a girl can protect herself from jealous people. To do this, she must identify this feature of a man before starting to date him. This is a difficult task, because jealousy can only manifest itself when certain causal factors occur (decreased self-esteem, fear of loss).
Some actions will help identify a jealous person in the initial stages of a relationship.
Monitor his reaction to communicating with young people. Provocation is an unacceptable action in a formalized relationship, but at an early stage of communication you can resort to this method of verification
You need to act carefully, because
a loved one may react by completely breaking off communication. Carefully monitor his behavior, identifying manifestations of control. Chat with people who know your loved one. In conversations, find out his reaction to various situations. Learn more about his past, childhood, parents, social circle, interests.
How to calm a jealous man:
refusal to flirt with other men, communicate with former partners; minimizing provoking manifestations; attention to the merits of a man, emphasizing the strong qualities of his appearance and character, admiration; maximum openness; building honest and trusting relationships; discussion of all problems, openness in communication; sincere demonstration of your feelings.
How to deal with mistrust
There is an opinion: marriage and relationships should be built on mutual trust. Where it is not there, jealousy and betrayal appear. This statement is not without truth. Any jealousy is distrust of the words of a partner who convinces of his fidelity. Replace it with trust, then the problem will cease to be relevant.
That is why it is possible and necessary to fight against the reluctance to believe. Yes, this struggle is not easy, because a person must confront himself. But all the difficulties are justified. Therefore, as soon as a woman thinks that she does not need jealousy, the first thing she should do is try to overcome mistrust and eradicate jealousy towards a man; how to do this is described below.
Effective methods:
Analysis. The desire not to trust may be dictated by a specific situation, or may be a continuation of accumulated tension. You need to discuss with your husband exactly the reason for the mistrust, one-time or long-term. Any conflict can be resolved constructively.
Spouses discussing problem
- Don't be afraid to discuss. Men are built a little differently. They pay less attention to words and small actions. Moreover, they are less empathic than women. Therefore, the girl should be prompted, talk about her experiences, ask her loved one to tell her about her feelings. The guy may not want to offend his companion, but he may not even suspect that his actions offend her. The main thing is not to criticize or scold during the discussion.
- Increase your self-esteem. Low self-esteem leads to a refusal to accept the fact that a woman can be loved and faithful to her. Therefore, if you want to know how not to be jealous of a man, first of all, you need to take into account that you need to feel worthy of love. This means working on yourself.
