Why it can be difficult for us to fight back
Before moving on to practical recommendations, let's understand the origins of the problem. Protecting your reputation and defending your own interests is natural behavior for an adult. Why do some people, when faced with verbal aggression, become confused and unable to fight back? There are 7 main reasons.
- Low self-esteem and self-doubt. A person doubts his moral right to respond to rudeness. He is used to considering himself worse than other people and does not know how to defend his opinion.
- Slow reaction. The speed of the reaction is determined by the characteristics of the nervous system. People with an inert nervous system react to external stimuli with a delay. These are representatives of two types of temperament - melancholic and phlegmatic. Therefore, in verbal conflicts, they, as a rule, lose to choleric and sanguine people.
- Fear of facing aggression. Reactions to rudeness can be unpredictable. That's why many people shrug their heads in response to insults. They themselves will not beat their opponent, but they are not confident in his endurance.
- Fear of loneliness. Some people feel that if they respond sharply to an offender, they will be considered ill-mannered and uncultured. Few people want to communicate with such people. Therefore, the fear of being alone forces them to avoid conflict and communicate as if nothing had happened.
- Too strict moral standards. A person considers it unacceptable to raise his voice and utter swear words. Therefore, he finds himself unarmed in front of a less principled opponent.
Step-by-step training plan
Physical strength and endurance can be developed in parallel with wrestling training. No one argues that you can learn to fight at home, but without an experienced trainer and sparring partners, it will be difficult to achieve good results.
It is best to enroll in a special section - there they will teach you how to fight correctly.
The learning process consists of the following stages:
- Choose a type of martial art whose techniques you like. Find 4-5 techniques that you would like to learn.
- Learn these techniques and add basic punches: hook, uppercut and jab.
- Strengthen your body and muscles. Do push-ups with your fists to strengthen your knuckles - no gloves are used in street fights.
- Constantly train and improve your skills: with punching bags, punching bags, and sparring partners.
Make a training plan with a trainer, and then stick to the plan. Discipline is very important to not give up on your goal and learn how to fight.
How to recognize verbal aggression
A person is not always rude openly. Often they try to cover up rudeness with care, sympathy, concern, or even disguise it as a compliment. Some people do this spontaneously. They do not deliberately try to offend their interlocutor, but simply say what comes to their mind. Lack of tact and poor empathy prevent them from adequately assessing the reaction to their words.
Here are some striking examples:
- This blouse suits you very well! My grandmother had the same one.
- Do you understand quantum physics? But you can’t tell by looking at it.
- For a girl, you're a pretty good driver.
Obviously, all of the above phrases will cause annoyance and irritation in the interlocutor. They are tactless and impolite, so they may well be considered verbal aggression.
Smart phrases
If your self-esteem is not at the highest level, your nerves are not very strong and you have not yet learned to resist offenders using the listed techniques, then here are a few ready-made phrases that are suitable for parrying almost any offensive words heard from a boor:
- “When a person runs out of smart thoughts, he begins to carry heresy. I see you have reached the finish line.”
- “Leave your phone number, when I need to know your opinion, I’ll definitely call you.”
- “And your own life is so uninteresting that you are interfering with mine?”
- “Step aside, think again, maybe you’ll be able to say something sensible.”
- “Go get busy, maybe you won’t ask stupid questions.”
Any rudeness can be overcome if you do not stoop to the level of the offender and be confident in your abilities.
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How to put a person in his place: useful recommendations
So, let's figure out how to properly respond to rudeness and disrespect.
Assess the situation
Before moving into open confrontation, make sure that you understand the other person correctly. It happens that a person utters a neutral phrase without any hint of aggression, but it works as a trigger and touches pain points. We begin to get irritated, feel hostility towards the interlocutor and want to upset him.
For example, a colleague asks a girl for her clothing size to sew a sports uniform for a corporate volleyball game. And the girl is very complex because of her imperfect parameters and perceives his question as a mockery. If she answers rudely, then she herself will find herself in the role of an aggressor.
Therefore, learn to distinguish real rudeness from your own projections. This will help you not only react adequately in any situation, but also improve your reflection. Another significant plus is that those around you will not be able to probe your weak points and use them against you.
Ignore the attacks
The easiest way to deal with rudeness is to ignore it. But for some reason few people use it. It seems to people that if they remain silent, they will remain insulted and humiliated, while the offender will celebrate victory.
In fact, any attack on you is a challenge. You have a choice - accept this challenge or ignore it. If you answer, you automatically become a participant in the conflict. And if not, then the person is left alone with his aggression and looks stupid.
Remember that the goal of any boor or troll is to throw you off balance and cause negative emotions. If you show complete indifference, then the aggressor fails. In the eyes of others, he becomes pitiful and unpleasant, but your image, on the contrary, gains strength.
You just need to be able to ignore it gracefully. Do not press your head into your shoulders in fear, looking down, but look forward proudly and confidently.
Laugh at the offender
Another effective way to disarm an offender is to laugh at him. After all, a person really looks funny trying to assert himself at someone else’s expense. Try next time to silently grin in response to rudeness and look at the person with surprise and curiosity - like at a strange animal. Again, your look should express absolute calm and confidence.
Most likely, the boor will feel uncomfortable and will try to quickly hush up the topic. Or, in a panic, he will begin to attack more roughly. Don’t give up - stick to your line. Sooner or later he will have to leave you behind.
Change the script
When a person deliberately provokes you into a conflict, he is trying to impose on you a ready-made scenario for the development of events. In acute situations, people react in approximately the same way: they are provoked, they begin to make excuses, then attack in response - and so on in a circle. By accepting the rules of the game, you find yourself in a deliberately disadvantageous position.
But you can break the pattern and rewrite the script imposed on you. To do this, you need to learn to act proactively. The next time you find yourself in a conflict situation, don't give in to your spontaneous reactions. Do something out of the ordinary.
I’ll give an example from Vladimir Levi’s book “The Art of Being Different.” When someone tries to offend you and bring you into conflict, look worriedly towards his ear and say: “Oh, what is that you have? What a horror! You should see a doctor!” By the time the person comes to his senses, you will already leave.
“Buy an elephant” method
If someone is too intrusively trying to offend you, respond to each of his phrases with remarks like: “Well, so?”, “And what next?”, “I see, so what?” Sooner or later he will get tired of groping in front of you and will leave you behind.
It is important to speak as indifferently and casually as possible, so that the person does not think that you really care about his explanations.
Verbal Aikido
This method is suitable for people with good self-control and loose tongue. But it's quite risky. By getting into a quarrel with the offender, you accept his rules of the game and get involved in the conflict. The outcome may be unpredictable.
If you are confident in your eloquence, then you can try to verbally “destroy” the offender. Follow a few simple rules.
- Keep your emotions in check. The one who first switches to emotional abuse will certainly suffer defeat.
- Speak calmly, do not raise your voice. Under no circumstances show your opponent that the situation is bothering you.
- Avoid cliched phrases. They sound fake and unoriginal. If you decide to quarrel with someone, then do it beautifully.
- As soon as your opponent begins to rudely insult you, stop the confrontation. He was unable to control his emotions, which means victory is on your side. This will be obvious to all witnesses to the conflict.
Where to start training: first training
Evaluate the initial data. Most often, a fragile girl or a physically weak guy wants to learn how to fight. Because having strength, a large figure and power, you don’t have to really learn how to fight. Those around you are afraid to get involved with such people, and even one blow can knock the enemy down.
Although if you are a strong man, it will be easier for you, since you can quickly learn a couple of techniques. But they won’t help much if you don’t have enough physical strength.
If you have health problems, consult your doctor about exercise.
Develop endurance
In a fight, it is often not even the strongest, but the most resilient fighter who wins. Therefore, first you need to develop it.
Cardio exercises will help with this: running, jumping in place or jumping rope, cycling, jumping out of a squat.
It is useful to learn how to run quickly and for a long time - it will help you survive in difficult situations.
Do a twist
Any punch requires twisting your body, so you need to have strong abs and back extensors.
The best way to develop the necessary muscles is a static plank, in which you need to stand on your elbows and toes.
The plank develops all the necessary muscles for fighting.
In addition, pay attention to double-support bridges, hyperesthesia and leg raises while hanging on the horizontal bar.
Strength development
Without strength, your training will not have results, because often the outcome of a fight is determined by strength. There are enough basic exercises that you can do at home.
- Push-ups on your fists to harden the skin on your knuckles.
- Push-ups with your legs elevated.
- Squat.
- Pull-ups on the horizontal bar.
- Hanging leg raises on the horizontal bar.
This minimal list of exercises will be enough to become stronger. If you wish, you can speed up the results by adding trips to the gym or buying special equipment for home.
General self-defense tips
During a fight, you need to use any advantages that you can get. But in everything you need to know when to stop and follow the rules for your own safety.
- When fighting, look your opponent in the eyes, not at the place where you plan to hit. Your glance can tell him what needs to be protected.
- Try to defend yourself more, attack with quick and accurate strikes, without call signs.
- Try to take advantage of the environment to your advantage - stand on a hill or in the light so that the light interferes with the enemy's view.
- Do not use potentially dangerous objects - a bat, knives, a broken bottle, a gun, etc. Exceeding self-defense is punishable by law. Use them only as a last resort when it comes to preserving life.
- Try not to get into trouble. Avoid fights in clubs, do not walk along dark alleys, do not provoke drunken groups, etc.
The best fight is the one that didn't take place.
If you wish, you can learn to fight both at home and in special sections. Of course, your skill level will be higher if you study under the supervision of an experienced trainer. But for school fights with amateurs, independent training is enough.
Real look
Although others may claim to care about you, in reality they are using you for their own gain. They only care about what you can give them. That is why, when you begin to defend your interests, they immediately slip away and stop maintaining a relationship with you.
This attitude is not always associated with hoarding: some may use others for “emotional support.” This is quite normal as long as balance is maintained. However, when a person constantly asks for help without making any effort of their own, this can become a real problem.
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Reflect on your motives
Do you do a lot for others? This is commendable, but for what reasons are you trying? You need to provide help when you want it, and not when you feel sorry for people.
Be careful: human psychology is such that it can be very difficult to maintain balance when emotions take over. By appealing to a sense of duty, guilt or compassion, others can “play” on your emotions. This can be called one of the methods of manipulation.
It could be anything, such as “My friends, my family, they all abandoned me” or “I have no chance of making things better.” If you stand by your decisions and are not driven by emotions, you will not be influenced by exploiters. You should base your decisions on your wishes, and not on the demands of others.
Set boundaries
Saying “no” means setting certain boundaries. Let's say you hold a responsible position, which means you spend a lot of time at work. However, what do you do when your colleagues keep calling you or sending you emails during non-working hours?
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In a situation like this, you will also need to find a way to say no and set clear boundaries. Don't consider this as something insignificant, otherwise, devoting time to everyone will seem like you will become some kind of “emotional dumping ground”. Compassion and support are good qualities, but it is important to recognize your limits and remember that you are not a psychologist.
