How to forget a person who manipulates you closer and further

If you've ever tried to leave a manipulator, you know that it's hard to do, and forgetting about him is even harder. But I'll tell you how to achieve this! In this post you will learn how to forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”.

“Closer-further” is one of the most common manipulations at the early stage of a relationship. It leads to emotional dependence on the manipulator, which can only be broken if you work hard on yourself.

However, let's take it in order.

The post will be structured as follows.

First, I will tell you what the “closer-farther” manipulation is and why it works. Below I will give an example of such manipulation. Finally, I will give you three steps to help you let go of this person and become immune to such manipulation in the future.

I’ll start by describing what the “Closer-Farther” manipulation is.

What is “closer-farther” manipulation?

The idea of this manipulation is to alternate between giving and withdrawing attention in order to create a feeling of anxiety in you. With its help, you can easily be tied and in the future controlled.

This manipulation is based on the default desire for validation . This validation occurs through the provision of attention.

We simply love when we are given attention. And if the need for attention is properly exploited, adding the fear of losing this attention, you can make a person very pliable. This is the essence of the “closer-further” manipulation.

This manipulation, as its name suggests, consists of two phases.

The first phase is the “Closer” phase

During this phase, a person gets close to you in every possible way, shows you signs of attention, is as charming and courteous as possible with you, etc.

He can call and write to you often, give you compliments, look after you, arrange beautiful dates for you.

Add quality sex to the mix and you're hooked. You begin to see this person as a source of attention and validation that no one else can provide. Other people simply pale in comparison to him.

Second phase - “Next”

When you get used to the person enough, the “Next” phase begins.

The person moves away from you, and you develop fear, anxiety and misunderstanding of what is happening. In this state, you are very malleable and desperately want to regain the source of validation, that is, this person.

As soon as you reach a certain condition, a person suddenly appears on the horizon, and the “Closer” phase is activated again.

At first, you may be terribly sulky and offended that they treated you this way, but this is temporary. Very soon you will become even more attached to this person, because you are subconsciously afraid that he might leave again.

Attention! This manipulative tactic can work in several cycles, and with each cycle you become more and more attached to the manipulator. Moreover, you become attached not only during the positive phase, that is, the “closer” phase, but also during the negative, that is, “further” phase. After all, the more you think about someone, the more attached you become to them.

An important caveat needs to be made here.

Types of manipulators

Depending on the young man’s temperament, as well as your character, one of five types of manipulators may be nearby.

Prosecutor. Such a person tries to penetrate deep into your subconscious, finds out all the dark sides and sins. Subsequently uses the information received. It will humiliate you. Constantly point out that you are very lucky to be next to him; no one else would pay attention to such a person.
A little boy. He behaves thoughtlessly and makes mistakes. At the same time, he does not try to make excuses in any way, but asks to accept him as he is.
Tyrant. People are drawn to such a person; they see him as a protector. However, then excessive jealousy appears, intimidation of the victim begins, control over his every step begins.
Player. Uses manipulation to obtain pleasure. Your relationship is like another adventure for him. He can boast about his former victories over weak women. If you are wondering whether it is possible to make such a person fall in love with you, then the answer is no. He lives only for himself, he does not need serious meetings. Even if he behaves like a person in love, gives you gifts and showers you with compliments, this is just a game, his words mean nothing.
Pretender. When starting a relationship with a woman, such a person will do everything to completely conquer her heart. As soon as a girl falls in love with him, everything will change dramatically. He will become completely different and will demand satisfaction of his needs; he will no longer extol her.

On purpose or unintentionally?

“Closer-further” can occur both consciously and intentionally, and unconsciously. In this post, I am writing only about the first, deliberate option, in which a person specifically uses manipulative tactics to tie you to himself, while perfectly understanding what he is doing and why.

If you want to know what to do if you are caught in a never-ending cycle of getting closer and further away in a long-term relationship with someone who seems to be behaving this way unconsciously, then leave a comment on this post.

If I see that the post “gets” the public, then I will definitely make a second part, where I will talk about the “closer-further” cycle in long-term relationships, and what to do there.

Manipulative husband and children: what to do?

If you think it’s hard with a manipulative husband, look at the children. And if not every adult woman can fight back and set boundaries, then it is even easier to manipulate children. As soon as you realize there is a problem in the family, solve it immediately.

Six months or more have passed and the situation has not changed? Or maybe even worse - it got worse? Take the children and run away from the would-be father.

In addition, if you see that the child is tense, unsure of himself, or, on the contrary, too relaxed, seek advice from a psychologist. Do not be afraid to contact this specialist, because after communicating with the manipulator’s closest relative, it is best to correct the child’s behavior and give him harmony in life.

What does the “Closer-further” manipulation lead to?

Let's say you met an attractive and charming man.

Unfortunately, it turns out that he is not only attractive and charming, but also endowed with a bunch of subconscious fears of abandonment, low self-esteem and a large dependence on the need to have the illusion of control in relationships.

Let’s say that such a man uses not only his attractiveness and charm, but also manipulative tactics “closer and further” to seduce you and tie you to him.

And so you managed to fall into his trap. Over time, you began to read materials on the topic of your situation with him and learned about such a thing as “closer-farther” manipulation. You realized that you had actually become a victim of this manipulation and decided to end this relationship.

But you find that you cannot forget this person. You depend on him emotionally.

Experience of living with a manipulative husband: reviews

Experience of living with a manipulative husband:

Inga : the beautiful fairy tale turned into a thriller within six months after the wedding. At first, I justified my husband for being excessively jealous, protective and demanding in everyday life. Everyone wanted to be better and meet his high standards. The story ended sadly - with a miscarriage and a nervous breakdown. Thanks to the doctors who obliged us to visit a psychologist. The husband was hesitant for the first few months, but over time the specialist got through to him. Many years have passed since then and our relations have improved significantly. But the husband still looks at his family with incomprehension and wonders how he could not notice the toxic relationship of his parents for so many years.
Maria : I am the ideal wife for a manipulative husband. Without parents, relatives or any support. I realized that he was pushing me around when I went on maternity leave. But when I went to work, all hell broke loose. I tried to be obedient and submissive, but it all ended with a ringing slap in the cheek at the office, because I did not answer his call, and there was no money in my account to call back. In the morning, the boss silently handed over a business card from a center for the rehabilitation of mothers with children. I burst into tears, but he didn’t convince me to move and start from scratch, until my husband started beating the child too. The other day I saw his new wife with a black eye and tear-stained eyes. Thanks to the kind people who helped me escape without looking back.

Marriage problems? You will be interested in our articles:

My husband beats me, but there is nowhere to go - what to do and where to go: phone number of the Crisis Center, Trust Center, reviews
Why the husband doesn’t want to work: psychology, reasons, reviews. The idle husband doesn’t want to work - what should I do?
How to build relationships if a man is younger than a woman: pros and cons, opinions of psychologists

What should I do to forget this person?

To forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”, you need to take three steps.

Step 1. - Stop contact, for good.

You must decide to stop contacting him at all costs.

Important! This decision is necessary to make, because subconsciously you understand perfectly well that the most effective way to stop thinking about this person is to return to him. The result of using manipulative tactics towards you is that you cannot find peace for yourself if he is not around.

But for us returning is not an option. Therefore, it is necessary to cut off your escape routes. This is the essence of the first step.

Step 2. Work through the image of this person in your mind.

Read my post “How to get someone out of your head.”

This post is universal. It is suitable for all situations, be it unrequited love, painful falling in love, a terrible resentment towards a person, because of which you cannot get rid of thoughts of revenge, intense jealousy and other situations.

Near-far manipulation is just one of these situations. This post will help you.

Step 3. Start working on yourself

This is the most important step.

You see, not every person can become a victim of manipulation.

In order for you to be manipulated, you must have a set of certain psychological conditioning that allows others to do this.

And specifically in your case, that is, when manipulating “closer-further”, you must have three things:

A combination of conscious fear of abandonment and subconscious fear of intimacy.
Low self-esteem.
Low threshold of sensitivity to feelings of insecurity and insecurity in relationships.

Before I go into more detail about each of these things, I will make an important note.

These three things work closely together. Taken separately, none of them by themselves will lead to you being manipulated. Therefore, you will have to deal with everyone at once and at the same time, but I will write about this in more detail below.

First, a few words about the first thing, that is, about fear.

Evaluate your attachments

Quite often people manipulate someone using feelings of affection. It is human nature to get used to a certain course of life, activity, work, and it is quite difficult to give up a habit formed over the years. It is precisely these attachments that manipulators use; they put pressure on something that is difficult for a person to refuse. It is important to clearly evaluate your own attachments and not allow yourself to be blackmailed with this. We don’t always really need what we are used to, and sometimes leaving the comfort zone promises a person not trouble, but very good bonuses.

You are afraid of both distance and closeness

The fear of abandonment works very simply. He appears in the Next phase. When a person moves away from you, you are afraid, and you realize this fear.

Important! In many ways, your inability to forget about him now is precisely the manifestation of this fear, although sometimes it may seem to you that this is the personification of some kind of great warm feelings for this person. But this is fear.

The subconscious fear of intimacy, in turn, is a more insidious and subtle thing.

It manifests itself in the early stages of the Closer phase, and this is how it works.

It should be noted that many people would be very uncomfortable with the attention of their romantic partner falling on them at the very beginning of a relationship. Moreover, even if a person has healthy self-esteem.

If he has just met someone, and the new acquaintance immediately begins to pour a whole tub of attention onto his head, this causes a feeling of discomfort, and perhaps even mixed with skepticism.

How can it be that at the very beginning of a relationship, a newly made boyfriend provides so much attention? Why on earth? It's either he has such low self-esteem that he feels forced to provide so much attention, or it's a manipulative tactic.

This suffocates many, but not you

Regardless of whether it is manipulation or just stuffiness and clinginess, for most people this behavior is a no-no, and it will cause discomfort, and very quickly. They will be inclined not to continue such a relationship.

Attention! But you, since you have a subconscious fear of intimacy, will be able to continue only such relationships in which such attention will be poured on you.

The usual amount of attention is not enough for you. You need to receive confirmation over and over again that you are desired, and only then will you allow yourself to start getting closer to the person. And if someone approaches you without so much attention, because of your fear of intimacy, you won’t even be able to... get closer to this person!

So it turns out that the people you get close to are either insecure or manipulators.

How do husbands become manipulative?

If a woman knew that her admirer was a manipulator who would squeeze every last juice out of her, would she go on a date with him? Most likely no. Would you get married? No and no. After all, each of us wants a happy marriage, and not eternal scandals and friction.

So, we have to disappoint you. Men manipulators are men manipulators. Yes and yes. A manipulative husband is primarily your mistake. You fell in love so much, or you really wanted to get married, or you recklessly got pregnant and got married “on the fly,” and did not consider the male partner with whom you will live a long life.

Of course, manipulators do not show their “face” for the first month of a relationship, but by the nuances of behavior, by the manner of communication, by reviews of former relationships, relatives, you can understand who is near you. Don't make excuses, don't indulge in fantasies. Assess the situation soberly and think about everything ahead.

How do husbands become manipulative?

Where do men manipulators come from? This is how they grow up. There are many root causes, but you shouldn't get hung up on them. Look at the result and the possibility of correcting your husband’s behavior.

Low self-esteem: run after me

Low self-esteem leads to the fact that you love when people run after you, because it gives you the feeling that you are needed, desired and valuable.

A person with healthy self-esteem does not need people to run after him. He does not have a lack of attention, love and care, which he is trying to compensate for through an inadequate amount of attention from a new boyfriend. He is able to give this care, attention and love to himself.

Therefore, when so much attention begins to pour on his head, he perceives it not as an opportunity to satisfy his inadequate emotional needs, but as an unnecessary excess.

At first, excessive attention may touch him, but very soon it will bore him. It begins to choke him.

On the other hand, a person with low self-esteem needs just this. And this makes such a person more susceptible to various manipulative tactics.

Common methods of manipulation

The manipulations are extremely varied. Conventionally, they can be divided into “bitter” and “sweet”.

The first are based on fear and pity. When a boss yells at his subordinates for no particular reason, he is using aggression and the fear it causes to force others to comply with his terms. When a person demands help over and over again, but nothing changes for the better, no matter how hard he tries, he uses helplessness and compassion to get other people’s time or material resources.

Common "sweet" manipulations are more difficult to recognize because they are often camouflaged with praise and promises. For example, a man can promise marriage to his mistress, who has already given birth to a child from him, and everything would be fine, but... he has been repeating this for five years. The child has long stood on his feet, and his dad still only goes to visit his mother, informing his legal wife in advance that he will be late for meetings.

How to recognize manipulation? After all, anger, complaints, promises and praise seem so sincere. Obviously, the disproportion of what is happening should be alarming: the boss screams every day; the poor friend needs help in everything, although there are some things he could handle on his own; The lover has been dragging his feet on the divorce for years. In fact, we usually know that something is wrong, but we often cannot say “no.”

Paradoxically, in order to learn how to do this, you yourself need to stop manipulating others.

You can't stand feeling insecure in a relationship.

Feeling safe and comfortable in a relationship is a delicate thing. In many ways, it depends not so much on the person you are with or what kind of relationship you have, but on what kind of person you are.

If you have a very high sensitivity to anxiety, then as soon as a person withdraws their attention even a little, you begin to get nervous and twitch. In this state you are very easy to manipulate.

In addition, when a relationship ends (including because you decided to end it), you begin to think more and more about this person. You want to return to him to finally get rid of the feeling of insecurity.

During the “Closer” phase you had this feeling, but now instead of it you have a feeling of anxiety and insecurity.

If you initially had a higher threshold for sensitivity to anxiety, it would be much easier for you to forget this person now.

How do manipulative men get married?

A manipulative husband is a very generalized topic. Everyone plays their own game, but the goal is the same - to subjugate and control the victim (wife). Usually a manipulator man courtes beautifully, brightly, romanticly and in such a way that this period is ingrained in the memory. It is desirable not only for the victim, but also for their general environment.

It is subconsciously important for the manipulator to appear perfect in the eyes of the victim. At the same time, it is easier to capture attention and convince the victim that in their relationship it is the wife who is the “black sheep” and should be rebuilt for the benefit of an ideal relationship.

The wife is a victim of manipulation

Manipulators often make a loud and sudden proposal of marriage, after which they zealously strive for marriage and already in the honeymoon begin to unsettle their wife and adjust their loved one to themselves.

But there is another type of manipulator. They court beautifully and brightly, talk about the future, about children, about family. But they are in no hurry to make an offer. And if a girl brings you into conversation, they convince you not to rush. And it’s best to be in a guest marriage, a civil “test drive,” or continue to go on dates while keeping an eye on each other. A conquered and in love girl begins to try in every possible way to please and show the guy that she is the one. And with this she cleverly drives herself into a trap.

If you are in one of these situations, then memorize it as a mantra. If a person loves you, if he is ready to take responsibility, he does not need to arrange games. He will honestly and straightforwardly (and men are like that) offer marriage and will create a healthy, strong family. In other situations, he values only himself, and successfully manipulates you.

How to forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”

To finally forget him, you need to work through all these things - fears, low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity in the relationship.

It is important to realize that these things operate on a subconscious level, which means they need to be processed accordingly.

More specifically, it is necessary to remove the emotional charge from the intertwined subconscious roots of these things.

What subconscious roots are we talking about?

For example, subconscious attitudes from childhood, especially from your relationship with your parents. In many ways, it was your relationship with your parents that predetermined how you behave with other people in adulthood.

These are childhood grievances, fears and anxieties that have shaped these same attitudes.

And also these are limiting beliefs about how you need to build relationships with people in order to satisfy your hypertrophied emotional needs, dependence on your sense of self-importance, automaticity of emotional response and other subconscious roots of your susceptibility to manipulation.

In order to work through these things, you need to engage your subconscious. If you work only on a conscious level, you simply will not get to such deep things as, for example, grievances in early childhood or your unconscious fears.

Therefore, you need a system that would allow you to work through your entire subconscious and eliminate from there everything that forces you to manipulate “closer and further.”

There is such a system, and it’s called Turbo Gopher.

How to communicate

A woman can play along with her manipulator if she has a strong enough character

Let's look at how to resist a manipulator and not submit to his will. Let's figure out how you can coexist with such a person.

When giving in to manipulation, you need to do it consciously. It is important that the man feels that you are in control of the situation.
Every word and action of your man needs to be weighed and considered. It is important to show your boyfriend that you yourself planned to do this. We need to be proactive.
If a man tries to make you angry, tell him directly that he wants to see you angry.
Don't hide the fact that you are aware of his manipulations.
Watch your boyfriend. Make sure his words match his gestures.
Be able to promptly identify the difference between care and total control, sincere feelings from false flattery.
Learn to analyze your weaknesses and strengths. Knowing about them, it will be easier for you to communicate with the manipulator, because it can put pressure on shortcomings. If a man points out your weaknesses, remain confident. Calmly answer that you know about your shortcomings, that they are part of your personality.
Increase your self-esteem, love yourself. A girl should realize that she is not obliged to fulfill other people's wishes. Spend your free time doing what you love.
You can openly talk about manipulation and, together with your partner, try to find out the reason for this behavior.
It is important to be able to say the word “no” and not follow his desires. First of all, you need to think about yourself, no matter how strong your feelings for a person of the opposite sex.
If you feel strong psychological pressure from a man, take a break from the relationship. This time is necessary to come to your senses and sort out your feelings.
Behave unpredictably. This will prevent the young man from keeping everything under control.
Control yourself, don’t allow yourself to cry when a man is waiting for it. Stay calm, don't be indifferent.
If you are thinking about how to outplay your man, speak to him using his own phrases. If he tries to put pressure on you, threatening to break up, feel free to answer that he wants you to break up. If you see an attempt at manipulation, cut off your interlocutor mid-sentence. It is important to pull the blanket over yourself in time. You can say that the conversation is over or the topic is already closed.
A man will try to subjugate you to his will, so it is important not to lose touch with reality and continue to communicate with other people and friends. Don't let your partner stop you from these meetings.
Stand up for your opinion, do not allow personal boundaries to be violated. This will not allow the manipulator to subjugate you to his will and use you for selfish purposes.
If a man completely controls you, you are no longer able to resist him, seek help from a psychologist. He will help you get out of the hole into which you were driven, he will teach you how to live on.
If you feel discomfort, you feel uncomfortable being around such a man, your self-esteem drops below zero, then it’s time to think that such a relationship is not for you. Remember that you have the right to be happy and loved.

Now you know how male manipulators behave and who they are. It is important to realize that not every woman can save her face next to such a man; she often becomes a victim. If you are a strong personality and can openly resist manipulation from your partner, fight for your relationship. If you see that you are not capable of a happy future next to such a person, run away from him. Remember that you need to love yourself and not allow someone to rule your life or make you a toy in their hands.

What is Turbo Gopher?

Turbo Gopher is a super-powerful system for clearing the mind of garbage:

Your negative emotions - fears, anxiety, envy, jealousy, resentment, etc.,
Limiting ideas and beliefs
Negative attitudes,
Complexes
Emotional traumas
Dependencies and
Everything that prevents you from being happy and taking your life into your own hands.

Turbo-Gopher works with the emotional charge of your internal problems. It discharges traumatic episodes of the past, eliminating them in an environmentally friendly manner, rather than smoothing them over. The problem is that the average person has thousands of these episodes. In Turbo Gopher, for the first time, the huge hidden computing power of the subconscious was used to process your internal problems, which allows you to “shovel” the past in just a few months and work through those episodes that you don’t even remember anymore.

What’s great is that you don’t need to dive back into painful episodes of the past and relive them - you just need to point out them with your attention, and the subconscious mind itself will work through them according to the given algorithms that you will receive after you start working on this system.

Finally, Turbo Gopher is a system for self-improvement . With this system, you don't need psychologists, therapists, self-development gurus, lectures, seminars, blogs or YouTube videos. All you need is the desire for maximum inner freedom and the willingness to seriously work on yourself.

Turbo gopher is not a system for everyone. It requires a lot of work from a person and a willingness to make big changes, but rewards this with dramatic changes for the better in almost all areas of life. Freedom from automatic response, freedom from dependence on approval, acceptance and attention, immunity to all sorts of manipulative tactics, emotional balance, improved relationships, radically increased awareness and self-sufficiency - these are just some of the many natural bonuses from working on yourself using this system.

If you want to clear your brain of garbage as much as possible, stop fooling yourself, free yourself from all grievances, gain self-sufficiency and emotional balance and - as a bonus - forgive and let go of the person who is trying to manipulate you and never fall for this kind of manipulation again - subscribe to the FREE newsletter about the system here and download the PDF manual for the system.

A common-law husband is a manipulator - how to legitimize a marriage?

If you have a protracted “test” relationship, there is only one way out of this situation. And it doesn’t matter whether you live under the same roof or have been dating for several years. You have become uncomfortable in this relationship, and you want to step into the next stage of life.

Invite your manipulative common-law husband to a conversation. Calmly let him know that you value him and that you also value yourself. And a new stage has matured in your relationship - marriage. Then either hand in hand in marriage, or if he is not ready for this (after X years or months), then it is most reasonable to let each other go, since in the future you are planning a family, children, and do not want to burden him with quarrels and squabbles.

Avoiding marriage is a low attempt to manipulate a woman

In such a conversation, a pinch of flattery will not hurt, and tears, emotions, reproaches and a raised tone are strictly contraindicated. If a man sees a future with you, he will adjust his plans for the coming months, and marriage is just around the corner. If your common-law manipulator openly takes advantage of you, you will hear a million stories and theories about why it’s too early.

You shouldn’t regret the past, you shouldn’t regret the years of your relationship. Have pity on your future and your nervous system, which with your manipulative husband is being destroyed day after day.

Which girls are more likely to be influenced by men?

People with complexes who find it difficult to say “no” to any request are at risk. Having no personal “I”, finding a bunch of shortcomings in themselves and not having decided on a clear position in life, it is difficult for them to resist the harsh pressure of a manipulator.

Women who lose common sense from the word “loneliness” are subject to the influence of others. Afraid of being left alone, they are ready to do anything so that the man does not leave them, no matter what a tyrant and manipulator he turns out to be.

Many insecure girls consciously choose who will control them. They are used to living under someone’s guidance, otherwise they can get lost in this huge world. A man becomes an object of desire for them, for the sake of whose happiness they are ready to sacrifice their own moral values.

What feelings do manipulators most often play on?

For a real manipulator, the space of provocations knows no boundaries, but there are several key feelings that he will never stop playing on. In order not to fall for his tricks, you should know them too:

guilt;
call of Duty;
feeling of pity;
feeling of fear;
self-esteem;
sense of justice;
reliability.

Thus, when it comes to your (boyish) dignity or they start making you look guilty, be ready to fight back. After all, this could be a game of manipulation.

So, our advice had to answer two pressing questions of our time: “Why am I being manipulated” and “How not to allow yourself to be manipulated.”

If you put them into practice, your communications with manipulators should become much safer and easier. Use it.

Author: Dmitry Petrosyants