In this article we will tell you:
- Types of bosses
- Boss behavior
- How to behave correctly
- 2 behaviors during a conversation
- 12 indirect methods of influence
- What not to do
- How to avoid conflicts with your boss
Good relationships with superiors are the key to successful career growth. There are many people who do not know how to communicate correctly with their boss. And how to put your boss in his place if the situation becomes unpleasant. When the boss does not restrain himself, he begins to publicly insult his subordinate and take advantage of his position.
Not everyone likes to hear reproaches in their direction and endure boorish attitude towards themselves. What to do in this situation? More on this below.
All types of bosses
Some people are born with the quality of a leader, while others have to learn this quality for many years. A competent leader must be confident, sociable, organized and stress-resistant.
If the work structure is collapsing and clashes regularly occur in the team, it is worth thinking about the professionalism of the boss. There may be a good prospect of taking his place.
Inept bosses not only stop the company's progress, but also destroy relationships within the team.
Below are all types of leaders:
- Creepy
- a middle-level manager whose mood depends on his superiors. Today he can praise an employee, and tomorrow he can insult him in front of the whole team.
- Dictator
— hardly anyone likes his authoritarian regime. He doesn’t want to hear criticism and suggestions, everything should be as he says. Often this type of boss cannot be pleased; he will always find something to complain about.
- slob
- does not know how to monitor the team and organize business meetings, events, monitor the progress of work, forgets about the deadlines for receiving a salary, etc. As a result, he lashes out at his employees and blames them for everything.
- Sadist
- uses his knowledge for negative purposes. He uses all the weaknesses of his subordinate to insult and humiliate him in public. Thus, he instills feelings of fear in others as well.
- Artist
- does not have leadership competence, so plays the role of a specialist. If he needs to show his power, he will begin to insult employees.
- Coward
- is afraid of any competition, therefore he deliberately destroys competitors by humiliating them.
- Father-mentor, mother-director
— professionally copes with the responsibilities of a leader, but can periodically lash out at his subordinates. The mood is restored quickly, so such behavior does not cause serious damage.
To choose the right answer to your boss, you need to determine its type and analyze the situation.
Tambov psychologist explained the reasons for aggression and how to protect yourself from it
I was in a great mood - and then suddenly I was rude in a public place. What they were guilty of is unclear. Why are people aggressive and how to protect yourself from an aggressor? These questions were answered by RIA “TOP68” by clinical psychologist, Gestalt practitioner Tatyana Shcheglova.
Why do people show aggression?
The reasons for people's aggression in public places can be different. The first is the physical condition of a person. He may be unwell, and this, in turn, affects his emotions.
“In this state, weakness appears, which causes irritation, which can develop into aggression,” Tatyana clarified.
It happens that for a person a public place becomes a corner where he can make a scandal, which he does regularly. This may be a manifestation of neurosis or an internal struggle with something. For example, a person cannot say something openly at home, express his emotions, so he finds an outlet for them in a public place.
- That is, he simply projects those feelings that he cannot express to his family or colleagues onto those around him, because it is easier.
It is possible that a mentally ill person also displays aggression. In addition, autumn is a time of exacerbation of mental illness.
Are people becoming more aggressive?
According to Tatyana, people did not show aggression more often. Although the coronavirus situation has added some tension, which can lead to it.
“I don’t think that people have become more aggressive now than before. It was always in the same quantities.
How to recognize an aggressor
Tatyana paid attention to several signs of an aggressor. He believes that he is superior to those around him in all areas, be it morality, knowledge, experience.
- He behaves very arrogantly.
At the same time, the aggressor hides his true essence, resorts to lies, fantasizes about some of his qualities in order to be superior to others. He loves to judge people, thereby humiliating them.
“It’s important for him to embellish himself even in some qualities, and to humiliate others.”
Because the aggressor hides his true nature, his actions and words often do not match.
— If a person has duality: he says one thing and does another, then one can probably expect aggression from him.
The aggressor can be friendly, but immediately show hostility and hatred. He needs constant activity. The aggressor overloads himself with work and leaves himself no free time.
— He is always either with people or doing something. For him, peace and quiet are generally intolerable. Because this is a meeting with yourself, and it is unbearable. Therefore, he will do everything to ensure that there is activity around him.
An aggressive person despises the weak; he strives to control everyone, subjugate them to his will, suppress their needs. Such a person does not take into account the interests of others. Aggression becomes a way to attract attention.
- Any aggressor at the root of his personality has emotional immaturity, he is selfish, demanding and rarely takes into account the needs of others. He is so impulsive and his needs must be satisfied here and now.
The aggressor is devoid of empathy, he does not know how to empathize with others. Having hurt someone's feelings, he will not repent.
“He will scold you and a minute later, as if nothing had happened, he will talk to you.”
Often the aggressor puts himself in the role of a victim. He sees that the interlocutor is feeling bad, but he will say that he feels even worse.
How to protect yourself from an aggressor
First of all, you need to understand yourself: in what situations it is difficult to resist attacks. The aggressor is attracted when a person falls into the state of a victim. You can turn to specialists and try with their help to figure out how to cope with this condition. In any case, it should be remembered that a person always has the right to defend himself and resist the aggression of others. You shouldn’t respond to aggression with aggression—you need to repel it calmly and confidently.
We must remember that aggression is the problem of the person who shows it.
— Very often people think that they attract someone aggressive. If you meet aggressive people, then it is primarily the problem of these people. And, secondly, you may wonder: why did I suddenly come across such people, where did I stop defending myself or fall into the state of a victim.
It’s worth learning to answer in an adequate form: politely but confidently in a firm middle tone: “Talk to me in a polite tone, you’ve just offended me.” There is no need to get personal and allow your voice to tremble.
- No matter how much he provokes you, calmly say: “You can’t talk to me like that.” Never return abuse to abuse. She can drag it out.
Tatyana added that these moments must be brought into your life so as not to be afraid of the aggressor and be able to defend yourself.
What are the types of behavior?
An incompetent manager may behave in the following ways:
- rough form of expression of thoughts;
- ridicule and humiliation of subordinates;
- familiar behavior;
- flirting, obscene hints;
- sarcastic and ambiguous behavior, etc.
All this shows that the boss is extremely weak in the leadership position. Most incompetent bosses got into their positions through force or friendship with other bosses.
How to behave correctly
How to put your boss in his place using simple methods:
Calm.
You cannot get the better of your emotions and respond to rudeness with rudeness. This will not only make it easier for your boss to manipulate situations, but it can also cause you to feel bad about yourself over a long period of time.
Before the conversation, you should prepare and calm down. It is enough to close your eyes for a few minutes and breathe evenly, avoiding negative thoughts. Cool calm will help you avoid boorish behavior from your boss.
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Politeness.
If your boss begins to behave irritably and disrespectfully, just ask him about the reason for this behavior. You need to talk as politely and calmly as possible.
You cannot show your insecurity, even if it is really present. As a result, the manager will see the person's strength of character and may begin to respect him. This behavior is characteristic of an “artist” or a “sadist.”
One-on-one conversation.
In the process of public insults, it is difficult to find out the true reason for the boss’s dissatisfaction. You need to choose a time to talk to him alone and ask about his dissatisfaction.
You can even take a piece of paper and a pen to write everything down. If one or more of the points are not true, you should ask about them again.
Such behavior is correct on the part of the employee. After all, in this way you can not only work on mistakes, but also put your boss in his place.
It is worth noting that during a private conversation you need to be as delicate as possible and not hurt the leader’s pride.
Otherwise, the situation may turn out like this:
Uncertain behavior and inability to correctly express thoughts will cause dissatisfaction and will become the reason for even harsher behavior of the boss.
If you go too far, you can completely cross the line of normal communication with your manager. Then there is a chance to lose your position.
Behavior during a conversation
Strength of character, calmness, competence and politeness are key to successfully ending a conversation with your boss. He must not be allowed to resort to insults and humiliation.
If his behavior becomes aggressive, it is enough to step away from the dialogue and imagine that nothing is heard. After the boss calms down, you can start talking.
Don't try to make excuses or interrupt. This strategy is obviously losing.
How to put your boss in his place during a dialogue:
Reception. Ignoring.
This method is suitable for such types of bosses as “creepy”, “mother-director” and “slob”. Often their aggressive behavior is explained by some reason. Their anger shows that they have weakness and fear.
For example, the increased responsibility and love for the team of the father-boss forces him to interrupt the idyll and use rudeness.
The slob feels fear after the failure of the established actions.
And the reptile lashes out at his subordinates after a reprimand from his superiors.
During periods of aggression, it is recommended to focus on the assigned tasks and not pay attention to what is happening.
Reception. Nonverbal influence.
For a dictator boss, verbal influence is useless. You can reach him only with gestures, facial expressions and emotions. By showing dissatisfaction in this way, conflict situations can be avoided. The method is suitable for those who value and worry about their position.
A few more words
People who bully often target people who are introverted or who are significantly different from others. They become easy targets because they are often alone, even among a crowd. An effective way to prevent bullying before it even starts is to connect with them and maintain a relationship where possible. This way they will have their own environment, which will create a kind of shield from aggressors.
Those who bully others are people just like everyone else. They just want to get more attention and recognition from their team. If they knew and could get it in other ways, then, undoubtedly, they would do so. Don't try to insult them back or even intimidate them. This will only help them get excited. Help them find a more positive way to interact with others. If possible, try to build trust with those who bullied so you can have a positive influence on their behavior.
Good luck!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Cyberbullying: what is it and how to protect yourself from it
- Cohen-Bradford model of influence
- Bullying and mobbing: causes of attacks and forms of their manifestation
- Causes of problematic relationships
- What is tolerance and how to develop it
- How to learn to say “no”
- Problematic relationships: harassment, abuse and bullying. What is it and what can you do about it?
- Conversation Techniques
- How to Deal with Annoying and Irritable People
- How to restore mental health after harassment?
Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships
Indirect methods of influence
It is not always possible to resolve a conflict through ordinary conversation. Yes, competent speech plays an important role, but nonverbal techniques make it possible to get the upper hand over the situation.
To properly influence your boss, it is recommended:
Reception. Don't use a smile.
In a stressful situation, smiling is of no use and will only make the situation worse. Women often use a sweet smile in an attempt to assuage guilt before their boss. However, you should be serious and adequately assess the situation. A smile is especially dangerous with an “actor”, “sadist” or “dictator” boss.
Reception. Gaze control.
It is necessary to maintain eye contact, showing strength of character. If you can't look straight into the eyes, you can look at the nose. Under no circumstances should you lower your eyes. This is an indicator of weakness. Then the boss will understand that he has won and will begin to humiliate him even more harshly.
Reception. Gestures.
The nervous state is manifested in body movements. The boss will immediately notice nervous nodding of the head, shaking hands, nervous gestures, etc. All this shows fear and self-doubt.
Reception. Rack.
You should stand straight, without leaning on anything.
Reception. No crossbreeding.
You can’t cross your legs or arms in an attempt to block out negativity.
Reception. We are not getting better.
You should not try to straighten your hair, dry your clothes, etc.
Reception. We don't cover our faces.
Hands should not be on your face.
Reception. Nod.
A single nod is sufficient to express agreement.
Reception. Correct speech.
Use competent and clear speech.
Reception. Let's not hang out.
Answer the questions asked.
Reception. Cloth.
Appearance also plays an important role in the relationship between bosses and employees. A well-groomed business suit allows you to create distance. This practice is used in large organizations where all employees are required to wear business attire.
What not to do?
In stressful situations, you should not behave as follows:
- Tolerate public insults from your boss.
Such behavior will not only lose the respect of your colleagues, but also your boss.
- Respond with aggression.
Copying the leader's behavior will only make the situation worse.
- Criticize your boss.
Nobody likes to listen to criticism when they are stressed. As a result, you can ruin your attitude towards yourself forever and prolong the conflict.
- Ask for forgiveness and blame yourself for everything.
Such tactics of behavior guarantee defeat in advance. You cannot humiliate and overstep yourself. This will only increase the boss's anger. You can admit guilt only in a truly committed mistake and only in private with your manager.
Big social problem
The phenomenon of a boss treating his subordinates, to put it mildly, not very politely, is quite widespread throughout the world. There is even a special term for such a situation in social psychology - “toxic leader.” Toxic means poisonous, and this is a very accurate definition: the boorish attitude of the authorities not only spoils the mood, but also poisons the entire body. As a result, various diseases arise that are the consequences of chronic stress and the accompanying constant overexcitation of the nervous system. If you regularly encounter rudeness from your boss, then the best way to solve this problem is to change jobs, since you won’t be able to re-educate your boss or force him to change his behavior.
Article on the topic The dark side of the boss. How to approach your boss
Unfortunately, changing jobs is not always possible - most often people are forced to put up with such a manager. In this case, the ancient wisdom applies: if we cannot change the situation, we must learn to accept it. Some rules will help you learn this.
How to avoid conflicts with your boss
In order not to deal with the boss’s anger, it is necessary to exclude possible conflicts with him in advance.
What is recommended to do:
Balance of interests.
Quarrels often arise as a result of misunderstandings between the boss and subordinates. The boss constantly snaps at his employees, and they respond with silence and endure. To avoid such an attitude towards yourself, you need to find common ground and find common benefits.
Understanding the boss.
It is necessary to analyze the actions, character and habits of the boss. This will allow you to predict his behavior in advance and avoid conflict situations.
Communication.
Proper communication with your boss will help calm the boss down. And will stand out from the rest of the employees. There is a high probability that the boss will begin to show respect for you and, perhaps, even seek advice.
Confidence.
Confidence and lack of fear must be shown in the first days of work. “Sadists” and “actors” try to avoid conflicts with such people. “Cowards” and “dictators” are completely afraid of self-confident people.
You can communicate comfortably and find balance with any boss. It is important to understand that he is also a person and has his own weaknesses. You just need to find them and use them for your own purposes.
The use of all methods for putting a boss in his place depends on the specific situation and the type of leader. Perhaps analyzing the boss will allow you to get the better of him in the future and take his place.
What to do if you have a toxic boss
The simplest and most obvious solution is to change jobs. Constantly being near the source of aggression is dangerous for health, both psychological and physical. However, it is not always possible to just pick up and quit. Sometimes this involves serious losses and inconveniences.
For example, if an employee is near retirement age, finding a new job will be problematic for him.
How to be? In this case, you have two options - take the warpath or accept your fate and try to smooth out the consequences. The first option is suitable only for strong-willed individuals with nerves of steel. At the end of the article, I will share with you the real experience of winning a war with my boss, which I witnessed.
Focus on your workflow
Don't forget why you come to work. The main goals of each employee are professional development and decent earnings. Focus on them. You don't have to go out of your way to make friends with your boss and make a good impression on him. Think of your relationship with him as a background against which other important events take place.
I understand that this is not easy. Especially if you are a sensitive and vulnerable person. Treat this challenge as an exciting quest. If you successfully complete it, a reward awaits you at the end - increased stress resistance and level of self-control.
Carry out your responsibilities conscientiously
Work in such a way that your boss has no reason to find fault with you. Maintain work discipline, deliver projects on time, and try not to make mistakes. Then you will be practically invulnerable to attacks.
It is possible that the boss’s attitude will change when he appreciates the real benefits of your impeccable work. Especially if other employees work carelessly.
Don't forget about business ethics
Communicate with your boss, respecting the chain of command. Minimize non-work related conversations. Be polite, tactful and restrained. You shouldn’t let your boss know about the details of your personal life or burden him with your problems and worries. Otherwise, he will be tempted to use your weaknesses to his advantage.
Take care of your reputation - don’t get involved in strange stories, don’t gossip or create reasons for gossip, don’t criticize your colleagues behind their backs, don’t give away other people’s secrets. Then you will be respected and valued in the workplace.
Don't take your boss's words personally
If you take seriously all the nasty things your boss says to you, soon there will be nothing left of your self-esteem. You will believe in your own worthlessness and incompetence and actually begin to perform worse.
Therefore, you need to learn to abstract yourself from psychological violence and turn on self-defense mode. Every time your boss yells at you and makes unreasonable claims, mentally say to yourself: “This is just his subjective opinion, which has nothing to do with me. I won’t waste my nerves and get upset.” You can imagine a protective cocoon around you that reflects aggression and returns it back to the offender.
Quit your job
If there’s nothing really keeping you in this job and you can easily find another job, there’s no point in worrying about it. Write your resignation letter without waiting until your eye starts to twitch. Psychological well-being is more valuable than any money.
If circumstances do not allow you to quit right now, you will have to wait for a while. Stock up on sedatives and prepare an escape route. Create a safety net for the first time, undergo additional training to increase your relevance in the labor market.
Prepare for war: advice for the most stress-resistant
I know of only one case when a war with a boss ended in a triumphant victory for a subordinate - I will talk about it below. In all other cases known to me, the employees eventually quit, but not before getting on the boss’s nerves.
Therefore, if you are not used to putting up with injustice and want to defend your honor, you can fight with your boss before leaving. But be prepared for the fact that he will use all the leverage available to him against you.
Write a statement in any form, detailing the facts of the use of psychological violence against you. If there is evidence (audio recording of insults, testimony of your colleagues), attach it to the application. Send one copy each to the labor inspectorate and the prosecutor's office. You must be given an official response within a month.
If there are various violations in the workplace related to humiliation of the honor and dignity of employees, Article 5.61 of the Code of Administrative Offenses applies. Sanctions under this article provide for fines both for officials and for the organization as a whole.
You can first talk to your boss's immediate superiors. Say that you would not like to wash dirty linen in public and spoil the company’s reputation, but you see no other way out.
And now I’ll tell you the promised story about a toxic boss with a happy ending. A year before his retirement, my father had a conflict with his boss. Dad stood up for a young employee who wanted to be deprived of her legal paid leave during the exam period. The boss then became very angry and promised to put dad “in his place.”
And a month later he was deprived of his bonus based on a complaint from one of his colleagues about poor quality work. Since dad always performed his duties conscientiously, it immediately became clear to him where this complaint was coming from. Now dad was seriously angry. He is a man of the old Soviet school, with a keen sense of justice. He could not tolerate such boorish attitude.
Dad armed himself with a voice recorder and went to find out from his colleagues who wrote the denunciation. At first no one wanted to talk, but soon one woman admitted that she had filed a complaint under pressure from her boss. After this, dad wrote a letter to the ministry, which controlled their government structure, and outlined the essence of the problem in detail.
Soon he was called to a face-to-face meeting, where a ministry employee promised to look into everything and take action. The next day, the boss comes up to him and silently returns the money. In addition, he is given a separate office, where he works quietly until he retires, and his boss no longer dares to disturb him.
Perhaps this story will inspire someone to fight for their rights. If you feel the strength to fight, why not. Just think carefully about your action plan and assess the possible risks.
