How to understand people: simple ways and techniques to find out the essence of a person

October 6, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Ekaterina Vladimirovna

Not every person has the ability to understand the motives and actions of other people. But without this it is extremely difficult to build personal and work relationships. The ability to understand others, as well as to determine the inner essence of each person comes with years and experience. Therefore, you need to start learning this art as early as possible. Fortunately, this is not as difficult as it might initially seem. There are several simple ways to understand people. To complete them, you only need to develop such qualities as sensitivity, attentiveness and the ability to observe.

Self-exploration

Before you can gain the ability to understand people, you need to explore your own personality. To do this, it is not at all necessary to do an accurate self-analysis and take courses with a psychologist. It is enough just to know the basic ideas about your personality type. For example, while possessing qualities such as kindness and openness, other people may seem overly angry and unkind. At the same time, they may simply be more domineering and restrained in expressing their emotions. To determine your own personality type, you need to do the following:

Make a list of adjectives that will accurately describe your character. To do this, you need to imagine yourself from the outside.
You can then compare your results with the Big Five and STEVE personality types presented.

Having determined your personality using these methods, you can engage in detailed study of how to understand another person.

Ask the psychologist questions

The most common request with which parents bring their child to a psychologist is “help us.” This means that the relationship has reached a dead end and all participants are no longer able to get out of it on their own. There are also more specific requests, for example, a child has problems communicating with peers, he is too shy or, on the contrary, active. More complex ones include requests with fears and mental disorders.

As a rule, the first session takes place in the presence of the parent and the main goal of the specialist in this case is to reduce his anxiety, relieve guilt, or even reduce irritation, if present. At this moment you can ask all the questions that concern you.

It is not always easy to understand the parent’s position just by the wording of the request, so the specialist will ask many additional questions. Most often, the main task of the psychologist is to convey that the work should be joint, that is, it will not be the child’s problems that will be solved, but the family’s problems, since most often they are caused by the atmosphere in the family or the attitude of the parents.

Ability to identify personality types

Understanding a person is not at all difficult if you know what type of personality he belongs to. There are a huge number of theories about personality types that have been based on scientific research. If you are guided by this information, you can quickly determine the pronounced traits of your interlocutor’s temperament and use this information for your own purposes.

To do this, you need to listen to the person’s words, actions and body language. It is very important to recognize body language when speaking. For example, if the interlocutor looks tense, it means that the conversation is not the most pleasant for him. By gradually collecting such information, you can create a complete psychological portrait of the person of interest. Personality type is considered the main guide to understanding people. However, one must not forget about the situation in which communication takes place, the person’s mood, as well as one’s own intuition, which often suggests the correct answer despite the facts.

How to understand a person by his behavior?

Studying body language is available to everyone; it is not necessary to receive an education, since it is not difficult to find and study books online on the topic of psychology and human behavior.

Let us consider the directions in which the interlocutor’s behavior is analyzed.

Appearance

If a person pays too much attention to their appearance and looks like they stepped off the red carpet, they may be trying to assert themselves and hide their insecurities through their clothes. It can also mean pedantry and meticulousness.

A catchy, overly original and pretentious appearance speaks of a creative, artistic personality. However, excessive carelessness in appearance may speak not so much of artistry as of a habit of sloppiness.

As a rule, a person is not concerned with appearance if he is too immersed in himself, in his own problems of a material or other nature.

Neutral tones and calm shades are preferred by balanced individuals. Bright colors are characteristic of emotional people.

Behavior

By the way a person behaves towards others, his demeanor is noticeable. This allows us to assume what decisions and actions a person is inclined to make. Often people who keep their distance at the beginning of acquaintance begin to reduce it as they get closer. If there are no changes in relationships over time, we can say that people are unpleasant about each other’s company and further rapprochement.

Psychology of behavior through manners:

Frequent violations of distance: patting on the shoulder, holding hands, looking into the eyes - these gestures can feel like a challenge, characteristic of harsh, unceremonious and aggressive people who like to dictate their own rules.
Intrusive people tend to stand too close during conversations and cause hostility by focusing on too personal or conflicting topics.
Shy and insecure behavior is characterized by a desire to keep a distance. At the same time, the person avoids eye contact, touching, personal topics, and excessive emotionality. He can keep his hands in his pockets, wear clothes that cover his face - everything to close himself off as much as possible from the outside world.
A free, “loose” gait is a sign of carelessness. Relaxed poses indicate a person’s lack of discipline and demonstrative unwillingness to obey general norms of behavior.
An intermittent voice and a flushed face are signs of an emotionally unbalanced and insecure person. Constant nervous attempts to sit more comfortably are a sign of feeling uneasy in a given environment.
The theatricality of the poses speaks of a desire to show off oneself. A wide gait, feigned gestures in order to attract attention - these factors indicate inflated self-esteem and narcissism. If a person tends to behave as if the whole world is an acting platform, perhaps in this way he compensates for the lack of attention. This behavior may be characteristic of eccentric people with a strong artistic streak and creative individuals.
Clear, straightforward movements indicate cold prudence and unemotionality. Restrained behavior is characteristic of prudent people, professional politicians, and businessmen.
An irritable person has a set of disordered movements and sudden reactions. Nervousness is indicated by constant and meaningless movements of the hands, for example, the desire to twist a pen, a piece of paper, or fingering the first objects that come into hand. Psychological pressures interfere with normal communication and require elimination.
Calm movements communicate a lack of conflict and gentleness of character. Combined with emotionality, this indicates a carefree outlook. Smooth gestures speak of balance and the ability to control oneself.

It is worth paying attention to how a person holds his back, to his posture.

Psychology of behavior through the way to behave in society:

Slouching and drooping shoulders are a sign of a person’s submissiveness and weakness. A retracted chin and raised shoulders that hide the neck indicate inferiority.
Arrogance is expressed by holding the head high and slightly tilted back. A protruding chest also speaks of pride and vanity.
Stiffness of the back, tension in the muscles are a sign of a person’s inability to contact others, a desire to isolate himself from reality, and the presence of psychological pressures. This behavior is typical of sensitive people who try to protect themselves from external influences through ostentatious coldness and harshness. The same type of behavior is typical when a person has a social phobia problem.
Behavior in which a person is outwardly relaxed, but restrained, has a relaxed posture, speaks of self-esteem. A person who holds his head straight demonstrates respect for others through open gestures, lack of tension and careful restraint in behavior.

Hand language

This is an important component of communication and a generally accepted form of dating, more common among men. The greeting gesture often characterizes the relationship between interlocutors:

vigorous shaking of the hand when shaking - active behavior, sociability, joy of meeting;
outstretched hand, palm up - openness and trust, willingness to communicate;
handshake with the palm down - secrecy, a strongly bent elbow speaks of duplicity and ruthlessness;
pressing the palm down when shaking is suppressive behavior, a demonstration of power;
limp handshake - lack of initiative, uncertainty, passivity;
the general awkwardness of the greeting characterizes shyness.

Hand position options when talking:

Crossed on the chest - a defensive reaction, reluctance to continue the dialogue.
Hands behind your back indicate a difficult situation.
Hands clenched into fists indicate a desire for self-affirmation and assertiveness of character.
Frequently touching the face is a desire of the interlocutor to hide his internal state, to hide something.
Hands in pockets speak of secrecy, and rolled up sleeves indicate readiness for an unexpected situation, the ability to defend one’s rights, as well as conflict and defense.
Rubbing the bridge of the nose and tilting the head are characteristic of the behavior of a reflective, evaluative and interested person. Propping your cheek with your hand is a feature of thoughtfulness.
If a person adjusts his hair, clothes, or wipes his glasses, he may need time to analyze information and make a decision.
Tapping your fingers on the table, clicking a pen are gestures of thoughtfulness and self-absorption. This could be the behavior of a bored person.

Psychology of human behavior: facial expressions

When speaking, attention is most often focused on the face as the main source. Facial expression and its physiological characteristics often express a person’s mood and intentions:

Mouth and lips. Drooping corners of the mouth at a relatively young age are a sign of pessimism and dissatisfaction with life. A clamped mouth and tightly closed lips speak of strength of character and unwillingness to compromise. On the contrary, a relaxed mouth is a sign of passivity and lethargy.
The expression of the eyes directly speaks about the character and disposition (or disposition) to contact, since it reflects the inner world of a person. For example, it could be an angry, prickly, stubborn, confident, kind, gentle look, and so on. Looking down is a sign of arrogance. While looking from the bottom up speaks of a desire to be helpful and submissive. A long and direct gaze requires submission, and “running” eyes betray fear or a hidden threat, and are characteristic of a deceiver. An attentive gaze combined with a still body indicates interest and passion in the conversation.
Laughter is another area for character study. Carefree and booming laughter is characteristic of a relaxed, open personality. Aggressiveness and anger clamp down on emotions, and laughter turns out to be strangled, more like coughing. Giggling expresses a desire to attract attention to one's person, as well as a tendency to boast and hypocrisy.

Speech intonation

Intonation and speech are directly related to the transmission of information and characterize a person’s emotional state. Often the interlocutor is perceived not so much by what he says, but by how he speaks. That is, according to the degree of emotionality of statements, speed of speech, and its volume.

For example, the rhythm of speech, unhurried pace and moderate volume demonstrate a balanced type, prone to prudence and analysis of the situation. An impulsive interlocutor will speak quickly, animatedly, sometimes raising or lowering the volume and infecting with his overly emotional state.

If a person expresses himself too restrainedly, in short phrases, this means that he thinks about every phrase and tries to hide his feelings. Lack of emotionality and taciturnity, quiet intonation of speech are symptoms of loss of interest in reality, withdrawal into oneself.

Gestures of lies in psychology

In the modern world, lying has become a necessary component of human communication, even if we exclude the exaggeration of the merits of a particular product in advertising, political slogans, manipulation of consciousness and many other factors.

Many books have been written on the topic of the psychology of lying, which, if desired, can be easily found on store shelves or read online.

There are ways by which you can identify a person who is inclined to deceive and mislead.

As a rule, the deceiver often changes his position, tends to cough and straighten his hair, and pretend that he is constantly distracted by something in order to gain time to come up with an answer. Typical gestures are touching the nose, covering the mouth with a hand, touching the earlobe.
Since the eyes most often give away a liar, he prefers to hide them, look past the interlocutor, to the side, and blink often. Sometimes a “dead”, unblinking gaze is used, directed into the eyes of the interlocutor, to prove the truth of what was said.
The smile of a deceiver is unnatural and forced. The eyes do not smile. A person can also pronounce words through teeth, in a low voice. The general condition of the facial muscles is characterized by tension.

It is worth remembering that a person may have the signs of a liar, but not be one. For example, not only those who want to deceive and hide information, but also insecure and shy people avert their eyes. When talking, it is often our intuition that tells us about a possible lie, so we should trust ourselves and our reaction to the nonverbal gestures of our interlocutor more.

Using the Big Five Method

This concept is based on several of the most pronounced aspects of personality: openness, friendliness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and extraversion. These personal qualities can reflect how predisposed a person is to conflict, new knowledge and communication. Understanding a loved one thanks to these properties is quite simple, since these qualities will constantly emerge during close communication. But with a stranger, for example, a colleague, distant relative, new friend or business partner, it will be more difficult. To determine the level of these personality aspects, you need to do the following:

Constantly monitor a person’s reaction to change.
Pay attention to his habits to assess conscientiousness, responsibility, organization and awareness.
Observe the interaction of a person with the people around him. This way you can determine the level of his extraversion.
Ask open-ended questions to the person you are interested in. Detailed answers will allow you to evaluate his friendliness.
Monitor the presence of neurotic states: moodiness, pessimism, anxiety, irritability and unpredictability.

Learning how to understand people is not difficult. You just need to always be attentive and closely observe the person you are interested in.

Using the STEVE method

This method is very similar to the Big Five, but it measures how calm, precise, playful and dominant a person is. With its help, you can figure out how to understand people, find common ground with them, and influence them. To do this, it is necessary to take a number of measures:

Pay attention to the person's openness, extroversion, playfulness and tendency to have fun. The most open people are more organized, responsible and have increased creativity.
Monitor a person’s behavior in stressful situations. This will tell you how capable he is of solving problems on his own.
Determine whether a person is prone to domineering behavior. If he has determination, purposefulness, activity and perseverance, then he is a rather powerful person.
Pay attention to a person’s pedantry by assessing his appearance and surroundings. People who take care of order in their things are more responsible and constant.

The combination of the “Big Five” and “STEVE” methods will help quickly reveal the inner essence of the person of interest.

Understanding people means being successful

Learning to understand people psychologically is not a luxury, not a whim. An urgent need. It's like learning to read once and then using an important skill for the rest of your life. For a fulfilling, joyful life. In any area, no matter what you touch, understanding what a person thinks about, what guides his actions, will become your assistant.

“I had a childhood dream - to learn to read people’s thoughts. Just like that - with the wave of a magic wand. R-R-R-R-az - and a ticker lit up on the person’s forehead and you know everything about the person, who he is, what kind of jam he likes, what he’s afraid of, who he wants to become, what he thinks, who he scolds, who he’s friends with, have you learned your lessons (life lessons, for example)))..."

Elmira Kh., lecturer-musicologist, Kazan Read the full text of the result

It is so important for a person who has been offended by his mother all his life to look at

lived through her eyes. She tried her best in her place and did everything she could for the children. But I didn’t buy my son a bike. There was barely enough money for food and clothing. Sometimes she broke into a scream from powerlessness. Raising a child alone is very difficult. When you try to understand your parents and justify them with all your heart, the situation looks completely different. Resentment towards loved ones who are not to blame for anything goes away.

Understanding others will help you integrate into the team at work. Or make peace with employees who annoyed you with a rhythm that was unusual for you. It becomes clear why the secretary is constantly chatting. The boss demands that everything be done immediately and quickly. Understanding the properties brings a smile and friendliness.

The ability to understand human psychology will raise you as a specialist to a new level of professionalism. The medical profession requires a deep understanding of the patient. Having determined the characteristics of the patient, the doctor will be able to predict the course of the disease, the behavior of the sick person, and therefore give the best prescriptions for a speedy recovery.

A teacher who knows how to distinguish children by properties can organize the learning process in such a way that each child is not only comfortable learning, but also interesting.

The hairdresser, aware of the characteristics and desires of the client, will offer a classic haircut to a person who honors traditions. And an ultra-fashionable model for the restless connoisseur of the new. The designer will accurately select lines, colors, and textures for his customers. Once you talk a little, it becomes clear for whom to add more bright colors and unusual fittings, and for whom strict lines and muted colors will be the best option. As a bonus, you will enjoy relationships with clients.

Satisfying people's needs

Having learned to determine a person’s personality type, it is already possible to form some idea about him. This will allow you to figure out what and when you can discuss with him. To figure out how to understand another person, you need to consider their emotions and adjust your own goals to them.

Playful and outgoing extroverts have an increased need for encouragement and a positive mood. They love to spend time in the company of friends. To understand such a person, you need to be courteous with him and always appreciate his attention.
When communicating with powerful people or neurotics, you need to immediately talk about important things. They don't like empty chatter. With them you need to either clearly defend your opinion or agree with their beliefs.
People with conflict simply love to create problems and quarrels out of nothing. Therefore, it is necessary to anticipate their objections and think through responses in advance.
People who are prone to constancy and pedantry will always compare other people's beliefs with their own concepts. Therefore, when communicating with them, you need to help them see the whole picture of what is happening from the outside.

— Why do you need to study the psychology of relationships?

______

The psychology of relationships touches on many different issues: social circle, emotional background, effectiveness of communication, influence on others, etc. All these topics are relevant to every person. They help everyone, regardless of gender and age, to understand themselves and make their lives happier and more successful.

After all, every person is part of the world, a large community of people. He must be able to effectively build his relationships with them and with the world. And all relationships are manifested in communication.

To make relationships with others more effective, you need to understand these people. When a person is able to understand another, he begins to treat him more tolerantly and respectfully. And respect always gives rise to respect in return. Just as the desire to understand another gives rise to a desire in him to understand you.

Understanding is an important principle of relationship psychology. Because understanding gives rise to co-experience and harmony when communication is equally comfortable for both parties. When there is such harmony, the relationship is valuable to each party, and everyone has an interest in maintaining it.

______

Personality assessment without assumptions

Many people like to rate their interlocutor without even trying to understand his personal qualities. Such a habit will not only not help you learn to understand people, but will also do harm, since value judgments are rarely correct. A person who is unfriendly at first glance may turn out to be shy and timid, while an angry person may be secretive or sad. In order not to be biased, you need to learn to correctly assess the nature of human actions.

First of all, you should think about why a person shows his negative qualities. Rudeness can signal simple frustration or fatigue.
You also need to feel free to ask direct questions in order to learn in more detail about what is in a person’s soul.
You need to ask your interlocutor about the motives of his words and actions. By analyzing cause-and-effect relationships, you can form a more accurate picture of a person.

Me and other people

We are surprised, but we accept what we think are strange food preferences of other people and respect their fashion choices. When it comes to relationships, other people's value systems are categorically annoying.

A comrade complains: “They assigned me a partner in the plasterers’ team, I have no patience. I will prepare the site for work, mix the mortar, and level the wall. I saw that he had just sat down to read the instructions for the mixture on the package. He says we need to study everything carefully, and then get down to business. And it brings out the walls down to the millimeter, as if for a mother-in-law. And I have a plan! There's no time to mess around, just one or two and you're done. Who will go and check with a ruler?”

We are all different. One is fast in any task, does not get hung up on details. The other one approaches the issue carefully, slowly and efficiently. We are used to judging everyone by ourselves, but it turns out that people are only similar in appearance, and our psyche - the eyes with which each of us looks at the world - is different, like distant universes.

Why is this happening? Desires! It's all about them. We are born with groups of desires given by nature. In someone from childhood you can notice a heightened sense of beauty. The baby looks with emotion at the flowers and the setting sun. Another one with interest disassembles donated cars down to the screw, and then from three old ones he assembles one model that will amaze even adults. There are children who from an early age show an interest in music or drawing.

Understanding yourself and your true purpose means revealing your talents and strengths. This will give us the opportunity to understand our strengths and what we are capable of. Moreover, we can learn to understand other people.

Andrey Sh., marketing specialist, rap artist, Moscow:
“...The training taught me to see and understand the desires of other people...”

The value of differences between people

When thinking about how to understand people, we must not forget that they are all completely different. And this is the main value of each individual. There is no need to expect complete understanding and agreement from them in everything. People's actions, as well as their thoughts and actions, may differ and this is the norm. A person who does not understand other people will believe that everyone should think the way he thinks. This will never lead him to the art of understanding their psychology. To develop, you need to constantly meet new people, get to know them, appreciate their differences among themselves, and also stay away from stereotypes.

Hanlon's razor

The simple humorous saying “Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity” belongs to Robert Hanlon, who has published more than one collection of similar sayings. The only thing that can be corrected in this statement is to replace the word “stupidity” with “ignorance.” It is the lack of a complete picture of what is happening that affects a person’s perception of any events. Therefore, first of all, you should understand the situation and assess the cause of what happened.

For example, you received an email from a colleague with obvious criticism of an idea or a proposed project. At first glance it may seem that this was done with malice, but perhaps there was a simple misunderstanding of each other. Trivial ignorance in this matter can cause a conflict situation.

What does it take to understand other people?

It is very important to always replenish your social circle. To do this, you need to visit new places and gain valuable experience from this, which will help you in the future in how to understand people. Human psychology lies in the fact that his development directly depends on his efforts. You should always watch new films, read books, and also know how people live in other countries. Exposure to different cultures, values and systems of life will help you broaden your horizons and become more knowledgeable. You can't be afraid to step out of your own comfort zone. Only new knowledge will help you learn to better understand yourself and the people around you.

The importance of empathy

To understand the essence of a person, you need to learn to look at the situation through his eyes. The ability to empathize can help you understand the feelings and views of your interlocutor. In this case, differences in beliefs will not matter at all. There are people who have such sensitivity by nature. However, even in its absence, empathy can be learned.

To understand the feelings of your interlocutor, you need to imagine that he is a character from a book.
You should always wonder about his feelings. To do this, you don’t need to put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor. After all, his emotions can be completely different. You just need to try to calculate the course of his thoughts about a particular situation. All known information about a person and his personality type will help with this.

When trying to understand the essence of people, it is important to remember that not all human actions can be explained. Therefore, you should not worry if you cannot understand your interlocutor. Not everything in this world is so simple, and this is not its disadvantage.

Unfounded fear

1st reason: fear of not understanding or being misunderstood. Back in the seventeenth century, one of the founders of the United States, William Penn, said: “You should never refute or dispute what you do not understand.” Not much time has passed since then, but now we see that most people do the exact opposite. If they don't understand something, they immediately become afraid, and when this happens, they rarely try to overcome this fear in any way. As a result, they withdraw into themselves, the fear generated by misunderstanding turns into mistrust, and further attempts to understand the other person become impossible.

Clients are afraid that they will be poorly served by administrators. Administrators are afraid that directors will be unhappy with them. Directors are afraid of founders who will consider their work ineffective. As a result, everyone is gripped by fear, everyone thinks that he is wrong, that he has been deceived or misunderstood. However, in a healthy team, replacing fear with understanding allows each employee to work in a positive way, thereby improving the quality of customer service. By and large, you just need to adhere to the following rule - when you understand what motives motivate another person, in nine cases out of ten you yourself will think that he is right.