Simple ways to help your child cope with anger

Anger and anger of a child

Anger and anger are natural human feelings that we all experience from time to time. These feelings express emotions directed against experienced injustice or as a reaction to a situation that prevents the satisfaction of a need.

Aggression is physical actions towards another person, expressed in an attack or threat of attack, associated with the emotions of anger, fear, rage, etc.

When we, adults, experience anger, anger, irritation, we most often know what exactly is happening to us and how we can deal with it.

We can express our feelings, suppress them, hide them, tell our friends or loved ones about them, we can kick the sofa out of anger, smoke a cigarette, stand in the shower, hit the table with our fist, throw something, etc. and so on.

As a rule, we do not show aggression towards others, because... We know that we will cause them great discomfort, and therefore we use various other ways to cope with our anger.

When children feel angry, they do not understand what is happening to them, what it is called and what to do about it. They may say: “Get away from here,” “You’re a fool,” “Bad mom,” “I hate you,” “I won’t be friends with you.”

And very rarely can a child say: “I’m angry with you” if you have never taught him this.

Children experience life “totally”, they are in the present moment with their whole being, they are spontaneous and sincere in expressing their feelings, they live “here and now” and are often at the mercy of emotions.

It is very important that parents do not forbid the child to show feelings of anger (and any other feelings too), do not shame him for it or scold him, but, on the contrary, help him.

Five rules for removing aggression. How to get rid of anger?

But, nevertheless, we are all human, and we tend to get angry. Aggressiveness is inherent in us by nature itself and, every time we suppress it, we direct our own strength against ourselves.

The accumulated energy of anger and anger destroys us from the inside, causing illness, fatigue and depression.

So how is it possible to get rid of anger, free yourself from accumulated grievances and negative emotions? Do you really need to give vent to your anger? But it is precisely from such outbreaks of aggression that the people closest and dearest to you can suffer...

Some people try to get rid of indignation on their own, and they try so hard that they sink even deeper into it. It would seem like a paradox: everything is clear, it’s impossible, without anger it will be better and easier, but the more you pronounce the formula “calm down” to yourself, the more angry you become.

To calm down and adequately respond to a certain critical situation, psychologists advise counting to ten. I think that many have heard about this method. But! This method helps some, but for others it does exactly the opposite. Gradually approaching “ten”, such people simply “loose their chains”, saying later that before the counting began they were much calmer.

The success of a response to a problem depends on the rapid release of negative emotions. The faster the better. And we often restrain ourselves, pushing resentment and anger deeper into our hearts. But after a while, these emotions come out with renewed vigor. That is why we are exhausted both physically and psychologically. But this does not mean at all that you need to break down, take revenge and destroy the offenders. In no case. You need to be able to release anger in alternative and harmless ways.

Here are some useful tips for relieving negative emotions: anger, irritability, aggression.

Give free rein to your feelings!

Let out your anger Photo: pixabay.com
It is very important to allow yourself to be angry and feel anger. You don't forbid yourself to laugh, do you? And joy is the same emotion as anger, only without your internal limitations. So, take a pillow and start hitting it - this way you will throw out all the anger and feel that you have become much lighter, as if you have dropped a heavy burden.

If this psychological technique does not particularly suit you, then write a letter of hatred and anger. Write on paper, pressing hard on the pencil or pen, putting all your hatred and anger into each word. After writing, be sure to burn the letter. There is another alternative to this method - lock yourself in the car and scream at the top of your lungs, or go to where there are fewer people (forest, dacha, etc.) and shout as you want!

Don't push yourself to the limit when people yell at you or criticize you!

Just tell your opponent: “I’m angry with you because...” Photo: pixabay.com
The best way to deal with anger is to express it to the person who made you angry. Just say: “You know, I don’t like it when you talk to me like that...” or “I’m angry with you because...” Of course, it’s not always justified to express everything to your face.

You can address the offender through the mirror. Play out the situation that pissed you off, and, imagining in the mirror the one who offended you, express everything you think about him. After your anger has subsided, try to sincerely understand and forgive him. Forgiveness will help you completely free yourself from anger and aggression.

Learn to pause!

Take a deep breath and count to ten Photo: InnervisionArt, Shutterstock.com
The easiest way to cope is to take a deep breath and count to ten. I have already mentioned this method above. If possible, take a walk, because movement will definitely help cope with the rushing adrenaline.

You can also “wash away” the negative. Do laundry or wash dishes. Contact with water will provide a discharge. When you feel like you can barely restrain yourself from saying too much, mentally fill your mouth with water. Let the plot from the fairy tale about enchanted water help you with this:

Once upon a time there lived an old man and an old woman. Not a day went by that they didn't fight. And, although both were tired of quarreling, they could not stop. One day a fortune teller came to their house and gave them a bucket of enchanted water: “If you feel like swearing again, take a mouthful of this water, and the quarrel will pass.” As soon as she was out the door, the old woman began to nag the old man. And he took water into his mouth and remained silent. What now, should the old woman shake the air alone? It takes two to fight! So they lost the habit of swearing...

Get rid of accumulated anxiety and internal blocks!

Master the “Buddha Smile” exercise Photo: pixabay.com
The following techniques for managing emotions, borrowed from the Taoist teachings of Shou Tao, will help you.

The “ Buddha Smile ” exercise will allow you to easily achieve a state of mental balance. Calm down and try not to think about anything. Completely relax your facial muscles and imagine how they fill with heaviness and warmth, and then, having lost their elasticity, seem to “flow” down in a pleasant languor. Focus on the corners of your lips. Imagine how your lips begin to move slightly to the sides, forming a slight smile. Do not exert any muscular effort.

You will feel your lips stretch into a subtle smile, and a feeling of incipient joy will appear throughout your body. Try to do this exercise every day until the “Buddha smile” state becomes familiar to you.

Go to a neurologist

Go to the doctor Photo: vgstudio, Shutterstock.com
Don't be shy or afraid. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re healthy, it’s just that life has provoked a depressive state that is natural in your situation. Tell us about the recurring thoughts that debilitate you.

You will be prescribed harmless medications, possibly homeopathic, which you will take when emotions overwhelm you. Don't be ashamed of what happens to you. This is not that uncommon.

You just need to competently help yourself get out of an unpleasant state.

What else to read on the topic?

Where is the wave of aggression heading? What is hidden aggression and is it possible to fight it? Grenade. How to prevent an outburst of anger?

Tags: aggressiveness, aggression, negative emotions, managing emotions, depression, useful tips, anger, psychological techniques

How can you help your child express his feelings?

When a child is angry, parents need to help him.

1) Help the child realize what is happening to him using words, voice his feelings, explain what is happening to him now. For example: “I see that you are angry now.” “I understand that you’re angry right now.”

2) Show that you understand what exactly the child is angry about: “I see that you are very angry because you want to play with my phone, but I don’t allow you,” “You are angry with me because something happened.” ...”, “because you want...”, “because they don’t give you...”.

3) Say that you understand him: “I understand you, I would also be angry if I were you”, “I understand, I also don’t want to finish interesting things”, “I also got angry when I was little in such cases...”.

4) Help the child say in his own words what he feels. Teach your child to say: “I’m angry,” “I’m angry,” “I’m so angry that I want to throw everything around here,” “I’m so angry that I want to hit you.”

After all, such thoughts arise in a child, you just don’t know about it. Saying it doesn’t mean doing it at all. Let your child tell you what he feels and thinks and he will immediately feel better.

5) Outline restrictions on physical and verbal aggression towards people and animals, teaching the child to redirect his anger to other inanimate objects, that is, to express it in acceptable ways.

How to redirect a child’s anger?

Offer your child options to relieve tension and “discharge” his anger: “When you are very angry, you cannot hit others, you can do this (your choice):

Come on, you and I: – let’s beat the pillow with our hands! - let's leave the pillow! - Let's kick the pillow with our feet! – we leave soft toys (in the basket, on the floor, on the sofa). – let’s crumple the sheets of paper into a ball! (ordinary A4 sheets sharply crumple into a lump in 1 second). – we throw paper balls into the wall or each other! - let's tear the paper! – we’ll call the vegetables names: “You’re an eggplant! Your turn!”, “You are a carrot,” “You are a cabbage!” – let’s draw someone you’re angry with and then tweet him. – we’ll blind the one you’re angry with, and then we’ll crush him.

All this must not just be said, but must be demonstrated to the child, shown how to do it and involve him in the process.

Every time you see your child getting angry, voice his feelings, show understanding and support, and offer him one of the options above. Most likely, over time, he will develop his own favorite way and will be able to cope without you.

In this way, you help the child release tension, discharge his negative emotions, and at the same time he will not harm himself, adults or other children.

You show that you respect the child’s feelings, but at the same time set certain restrictions on their expression.

You prohibit aggression, but help the child cope with and express feelings of anger in other ways.

PS It wouldn’t hurt for Mom and Dad to have a pillow fight with each other from time to time either. Tested by parents!

Also watch Ekaterina Kes’ video “How to respond to a child’s anger”

If you want to improve your relationship with your child and raise him without yelling and punishment, I invite you to my free online marathon, which will take place very soon. Click on the banner below to sign up.

PPS If you liked the article, please share it with your friends by clicking on the social media buttons. And, as always, I welcome your comments and questions below.

Ekaterina Kes, child and family psychologist. My Instagram

How to help your child cope with anger

Anger is a contagious feeling. People often regret their outbursts of anger. Many children do not know how to properly express anger, which entails many psychological problems. Children are usually taught to remain calm and reasonable in any situation, but this is emotionally draining and confusing for the child.

The internal conflict associated with feelings of anger arises due to the fact that others consider anger a bad feeling that should be ashamed. If this myth is debunked, it becomes much easier to cope with anger, because in this case it should not be suppressed, but accepted and channeled in a constructive direction. And then anger does not exhaust the child, but gives him strength.

In order to teach a child to cope with anger, you should allow him to feel it, accept it and not worry about it (usually outbursts of anger are not associated with serious mental problems). And only after that you need to look for acceptable ways to express your feelings.

To help your child cope with anger, it is important to understand what exactly causes it. Typically, anger arises from fear or sadness, and sometimes as a reaction to life failures, low self-esteem, anxiety, helplessness (anger in a child often arises from a feeling of dependence on parents, etc.) or isolation. It is also worth remembering that children are less able to recognize feelings of sadness than adults, so they are more likely to feel angry.

Before dealing with aggressiveness and outbursts of anger:

Learn to distinguish between anger and aggression . Anger rarely implies bad intentions (such as causing physical harm or damaging property). This is a consequence of the frustration to which the child is susceptible.
Don't tell your child that anger is bad . Anger is a completely normal feeling, and a child experiencing it does not necessarily have emotional problems.
Don't punish your child for showing anger . Understand that a child who is angry needs protection and is trying to achieve this through emotions. Help him find the best way to express his feelings, using methods that your child can understand.

How can a child cope with anger?

Using the following strategies can help prevent or better manage your child's angry outbursts:

Strategy #1 . In order for a child to understand the difference between bad and good behavior and to develop the most effective model for himself, he needs to be pointed out not only that he is doing bad, but also good deeds. Therefore, it is important to explain to your child what kind of behavior you like, so that he sees a positive example. Notice and praise his small actions, for example, when he hangs his jacket in the hallway without a reminder or helps set the table.

Human beings always need approval, and approving a child's positive behavior is the best way to teach him to gain attention through good deeds rather than through displaying negative emotions. If your child's misbehavior is not harmful, simply ignore it. At the same time, the child himself should not be ignored. Having said once that he is behaving badly, in the future simply do not pay attention to his behavior.

Strategy #2: Set a good example for your child. Initially, the baby learns by observing adults, so by imitating their behavior, he understands how to and should not act in certain situations. This is also a good way to deal with outbursts of negative emotions, since (good) imitation does not make them worse.

Strategy #3 . Make sure your child has ways to exercise his physical energy. Children are often overwhelmed with energy, which can quickly turn into frustration and anger. In such situations, the child should be able to move around or do physical exercise, including at school.

Strategy #4 . The environment should not provoke the child’s aggressive behavior. If any activities encourage him to do this, replace them with more positive ones. Provide a calm environment for your child and do not set too many restrictive rules for him.

Strategy #5 . Use touch to calm your child. This method is often effective (with the exception of cases when the child is hypersensitive). Approach the baby and ask what he is doing, watch his response. This behavior is effective in cases where you see, for example, that a child is about to break a toy. Ask him to show you the toy. If at this time he is trying to cope with a difficult task, ask him to explain what exactly he does not understand. This will help cope with feelings of anger because the child will not feel helpless.

Strategy #6 . If your baby loves touch, express your love to him through hugs - this will help your child cope with negative emotions.

Strategy #7 . Use humor. Adults often use humor to de-escalate difficult situations with other adults, but rarely use it with children. But children respond well to humor: in the case of hysterics, this allows the child to save face (at the same time, humor should not be confused with sarcasm and ridicule).

Strategy #8 . Appeal to your child's empathy by explaining that his outbursts of negative emotions are hurting you. For example, you might say that you can handle noise well, but today you have a headache. Ask him to do something calmer.

Strategy #9 . When you have figured out what causes negative emotions in your baby, teach your child to recognize specific irritants. This will make it easier for him to learn to react appropriately in such situations. Tell me safe ways to express anger.

Strategy No. 10 . If necessary, physically restrain your child, but do not judge him. Sometimes children may become so out of control that they require your physical intervention. Do not be rude or shame the child; let him save face in this situation. Try to explain that you are not punishing him, but are doing this so that he does not harm anyone.

Strategy No. 11 . Make sure your child feels valued and able to cope, and that he has strength and goals in life. This will help direct your energy in a constructive direction. Teach him to be optimistic about the future and explain that positive behavior contributes to favorable developments.

Strategy #12: Set clear boundaries. This will not only help you control your behavior, but will also make the environment clear and give you a feeling of safety and confidence.

Strategy No. 13 . Remember that rules should be established in order to calm the child and teach him to cope with emotions. Parents should not be unfriendly towards the baby and use physical methods of coercion.

Strategy No. 14. Teach your child to express his feelings of anger using phrases like: “I don’t like that you took my toy,” “I don’t want to share,” and others.

How to teach a child to discipline

Effective discipline should create an atmosphere of calm and confidence, all rules should be clear to the child and develop honesty in him. Your reasoning will become a guide for the child.

Discipline that is harsh or inappropriate to the situation and that focuses on the individual rather than the behavior is ineffective. You cannot teach a child correct behavior by showing him the opposite example. First of all, you should show your child the difference between good and bad behavior. When teaching a child discipline, you should treat him with respect to teach him to respect himself and others.

Always communicate with your child as a worthy person with unique feelings, needs, values and outlook on life. To raise him to be a good person, first of all, believe in him.