Anger is a feeling that we often do not allow ourselves to experience. Indeed, how can you be angry with your mother, especially if you are already an adult woman, and she is elderly. And most importantly - why do this? Is there any meaning to expressing anger?
Being angry at your mother, the woman who gave you life and bandaged your broken knees, can seem difficult. It is especially difficult to feel angry if you are convinced that she tried or that she really loved you, even if she was not able to show it in a way that would allow you to feel that love.
It is important to remember that anger is not an end in itself or a place where you will necessarily stay forever; it's just part of the healing process.
If you are still trying to get something from your mother (love, respect, recognition, communication...) and you avoid upsetting her, you will be afraid to admit even to yourself that you are angry.
If you must maintain a self-image that excludes anger, you also need to stay away from this emotion.
But if you want to protect your wounded inner child, if you want to create the opportunity to feel something that was previously too scary to feel, if you want to release that feeling (instead of subconsciously dwelling on it), you will need to give yourself permission to feel anger.
You have the right to be angry. Why is it important to release anger?
Your anger towards your mother has a very early origin, as does the habit of turning off your anger. The pioneer of attachment theory, John Bowlby, said that anger is a natural reaction to a situation when a child’s need for attachment is not met. When a child feels that anger only leads to the mother moving away from him even more, the child learns to turn it off.
And here two styles of insecure attachment come to the fore. People with an avoidant, self-sufficient attachment style tend to suppress or hide their anger and believe that it can only harm the relationship. Adherents of the ambivalent, preoccupied style have learned to use their anger to gain the attention of another person.
Already from childhood, we can use anger in the same way as we do in adulthood to push a person away or break up with him. Thus, anger helps to develop. It helps you gain your own experience, which sometimes differs from the family myth.
It is important to understand that you have the right to be angry, and just because you feel angry does not mean that you are a bad or generally angry person. Anger signals that something is wrong. Anger is a healthy reaction to violence that is built into us if we have not suppressed it.
You need to stop being afraid of anger and understand that it is not dangerous in itself. An unhealthy relationship with him is dangerous. Anger controls us when we throw it out indiscriminately and cannot contain it soberly. Anger can be one of the causes of tragedy if a person who has suppressed it for many years reaches a turning point and becomes violent.
In such situations, anger is dangerous. A different, pure anger, on the contrary, helps to build relationships without humiliating, but still showing respect and bringing more honesty into them.
We show healthy anger, for example, when we are insulted or treated disrespectfully. Anger communicates that this is wrong. This is its purpose - to erect the necessary boundaries.
Likewise, it is important to release the anger stored in your body. Anger that you could suppress before you even felt it. This may even include the rage you experienced as a baby or toddler. I am convinced that this anger can be processed and released through skillful feeling or expression. It is safest to engage in this release under the guidance of a qualified psychotherapist.
Anger management when we get defensive
This is also a common situation: there are times when we need to be alone. This happens when internal resources are depleted and a person needs a break to gather his strength again. Offers of care or help at such moments are not always welcome. Unconsciously defending ourselves from “invasion,” we push away loved ones.
What does it look like in life
For the past three months, Nina has been desperately working hard at work, hoping for a promotion. But for some reason, management chose another employee. Nina returns home. She feels exhausted and empty, and doesn’t quite understand what to do next.
Nina’s husband Sergei also comes home. He smiles and brings groceries into the kitchen, but Nina has neither the desire nor the strength to communicate with him. She silently begins to prepare dinner.
At this moment, Sergei tries to hug her playfully and Nina feels irritation flare up in her. She abruptly shakes off his hand and wants to say: “Don’t touch me! Better go peel the potatoes!”
Most likely, these words will offend Sergei with all the ensuing consequences for family relationships. In the morning, Nina will wake up with the sad thought that she is neither appreciated at work nor understood at home.
What to do
Again, understand that the anger that Nina experiences in response to the touch is secondary. It is not Sergei who causes her irritation: it is associated with a completely normal desire to be alone for some time.
And the smartest thing to do would be to say it out loud. For example, like this: “I don’t feel like talking right now, let me be alone.” Or in other words: “Sorry, you have nothing to do with it. I need to think a little, okay? When he lets go, I’ll tell you about it.”
Yes, in such cases it can be difficult to pull yourself together and formulate your feelings so as not to offend a loved one. If you notice that you cannot cope with anger and are pushing away loved ones whose help you still need, it is worth discussing this situation with a psychotherapist.
We cannot waste our lives suffering because we push away those we need so much.
Ilse Sand
How to recognize the anger within yourself
Anger comes in all kinds, and here's another important difference. There is the anger of the victim, which feels whiny and helpless, and the righteous anger of standing up for one's own interests. The point is to move on to righteous anger, even though you may start with the first one.
For some people, anger comes easily, and they use it as a universal emotion to replace disappointment, sadness, fear, whatever. Others hold on to their anger, no matter the cost, out of a subconscious fear that if they let it out, it will open a floodgate that cannot be closed.
Healing emotional wounds of any kind requires that you become emotionally flexible, able to experience and recognize a wide range of emotions without being held hostage by any of them.
Dealing with anger is largely about giving yourself permission. Many of us have learned to swallow anger, and it usually takes a long time to unlearn it. Being consistent and sincere in your journaling will help you unlearn this habit of self-censorship.
Why understanding and forgiving is the only option
Forgiveness is a universal way to resolve a situation. First of all, it is important for the one who forgives, because it frees him from the negativity that eats away from the inside.
When you are angry at someone for a long period of time, it is because you remember the offensive situation in detail and continue to replay it in your head. The detailed memory is perceived as a repetition of the event, and the feeling of anger arises again.
So if someone tells you: “I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten,” do not believe him. Forgiveness helps to forget the details of the event, therefore, a person stops experiencing it again and again. Forgiveness and forgetting go hand in hand.
Just because you have forgiven a person does not mean that your relationship has returned to normal. You may be disappointed in him and won't trust him anymore, but at least you will stop being angry.
Exploring Your Anger: A Journal Exercise
This is the first part of the sentence, and you need to complete it with what comes to mind. You need to answer quickly so as not to have time to subject yourself to censorship. I recommend that you complete this sentence at least ten times (the longer the list, the more effective the exercise will be) and concentrate your thoughts on the mother:
I'm angry because...
After you've finished, read all your answers and notice how you feel. If you want to record something freestyle, now is the right time. I also encourage you to think about one more question:
Underneath the layer of anger I feel...
Finish this sentence at least ten times as well. You can also make a list of things you haven't forgiven your mother for.
Don't be categorical
Categorical nature, maximalism, perfectionism - all these qualities enhance manifestations of anger. People who are too demanding of themselves and others are much more likely to experience disappointment and collapse of hope. Calm and phlegmatic people react to this with frustration, while more impulsive people may experience outbursts of aggression.
Start looking at things more simply and stop judging. Our world is not ideal, but that does not stop it from being beautiful. Forgive people for their weaknesses and imperfections, take off the mantle of judge and just enjoy life.
Get rid of the excellent student complex. You should not strive for excellent results in everything. Sometimes it is enough to do something with a C grade in order to leave time and energy for more important things.
Precautions when dealing with anger
If anger is one of the emotions that you cannot control, and its expression has negative consequences, you may need to take special precautions.
It is important that you are able to calibrate your anger so that it is an ongoing process and not something that is either on or off. You need to recognize anger when it first arises and have the tools to control it. You need to be able to control its volume, using techniques of switching attention, breathing exercises or short breaks in order to interrupt the unwanted increase in tension.
You might consider taking an anger management course or working with a therapist if you find yourself unable to control your anger, or unable to even touch it.
Do auto training
At the beginning of the 20th century, the German scientist Johann Heinrich Schultz laid the foundations of autogenic training. Since then, this method has been actively used in many areas that require control over one’s own condition. It combines self-hypnosis and immersion in a trance. With its help, you can also curb your destructive emotions.
The simplicity of this technique makes it accessible to absolutely everyone. It is performed in several stages.
- Find a comfortable position and relax. Make sure that you are not distracted by extraneous stimuli.
- Mentally say the phrase: “My right hand is getting heavy” several times. Try to create a feeling of heaviness in your hand. You can imagine that you are holding an object, such as a dumbbell.
- When the sensation becomes clear, do the same with your left hand. Then with the legs, stomach, back, head.
- Once you feel heaviness throughout your body, you can move on to the next stage. Now you need to create a feeling of warmth. Mentally say: “My hand is warm.” You can imagine immersing your hand in hot water or exposing it to the scorching sun. And then proceed according to the scheme already familiar to you.
- Now you need to learn to control your breathing. Repeat to yourself 5-6 times: “My breathing is calm and even.” The exercise is considered mastered when you can voluntarily slow down your breathing rhythm.
To effectively manage your emotions, these exercises will be enough for you. Do them every day, and soon you will be able to achieve a high level of self-regulation. You will become subject to not only your emotions, but also some physiological reactions of the body.
Anger as the engine of progress
By the way. In some cases, aggression and anger are a great indicator of the need for change. Anger means that changes are due in your life, in your relationships, in your profession. Anger helps a person to realize what exactly does not suit him in the current situation, what needs are not satisfied, and helps to begin to develop an image of a new, wonderful future.
Anger and anger act as the engine of personal progress. After all, you must admit that sometimes the most environmentally friendly thing is not to try to maintain polite relations with your superiors, but to find yourself a new place of work. The old has simply run its course. As the Indians say, there is no point in whipping a dead horse. It's time to change to a new one.
And in such cases, your anger is just a red warning light. A very useful light bulb. Helps you mobilize to make important life decisions. It’s just that every time it lights up, you need to think and understand what it is signaling to you.
And you can do all this completely independently.
Types of Anger
- Silent hatred. A situation where a person does not show his anger in any way. He may smile at an individual whom he hates; in fact, such behavior is hypocritical.
- Offense to the whole world. A person hates everything that surrounds him, he believes that everyone owes him, and the world is against him, people are against him. He is lonely, no one needs him.
- Competition. For example, we may be talking about a situation where two women compete for one man, and accordingly they hate each other.
- A game. One individual deliberately provokes another into attacks of aggression, thereby receiving pleasure from it.
- Despair. The attack of anger is demonstrative in nature. In this way a person attracts attention to himself.
Avoid pointless arguments
In a dispute, it is much more often not truth that is born, but aggression. Especially when the subject of the dispute is not objective things, but views, judgments, conclusions and conclusions. In the first case, you can quickly resolve the dispute by resorting to Google. But one can argue endlessly about subjective points of view.
If you are an emotional, hot-tempered, impulsive person, arguments are strictly contraindicated for you. Learn to express your point of view without entering into open confrontation. The following phrases will help you.
- “I heard you. But, unfortunately, I cannot agree.”
- “I take a different point of view.”
- “I have no desire to argue with you. Let everyone remain to their own opinion.”
- “I respect your point of view, but it contradicts my principles.”
And you should refrain from the following phrases.
- "You're wrong".
- “Your arguments are baseless.”
- “You don’t understand anything about this.”
- “Don’t argue with me, I know better.”
Awareness of reasons and expression of anger
You simply need to notice your anger in yourself, admit to yourself: “Yes, I’m angry now!”, realize the cause of anger in this particular situation (and this is most often some kind of damage to your interests), talk openly about it with the participants in the situation.
Of course, expressing anger should be done in an environmentally friendly way.
- In such a conversation, it is extremely undesirable to use the construction: “You are a fool, don’t make me angry!”
- Instead, use the I-message technique better: “When something like this happens, I feel very angry...”, “For me, the current situation is extremely unpleasant...”
Important: Showing adequate anger means defending your boundaries that someone is trying to violate. To show anger is to show firmness and confidence! Showing anger is telling others that their actions are completely unacceptable. You can show anger calmly, quietly and clearly! Without guilt and shame.
If the interlocutor reacts positively, you can continue: “Let’s agree for the future on how we can act effectively in such situations...” This lays the ground for mutually beneficial and pleasant relationships in the future.
Control your breathing
During an outburst of anger, blood pressure rises and breathing quickens. No wonder they say that a person “chokes with anger.” By learning to control the process of inhalation and exhalation, you can quickly cope with your emotions.
I suggest you master the following breathing technique.
- Find a comfortable position and relax.
- Breathe freely for a few seconds and then inhale in four counts.
- Hold your breath for two counts.
- Exhale, like inhale, let it also last for four counts.
- Again, hold your breath for two counts.
When this breathing becomes comfortable for you, begin to gradually increase the time of inhalation and exhalation. Next time during an attack of anger, try to breathe just as smoothly and deeply. This will allow you to find peace within yourself and curb aggression.
How to do it?
Get some privacy so that no one disturbs you. Introduce your “offenders”. Tell them out loud (out loud this is important in this case!) your complaints and your feelings many times. Speak firmly and decisively. Each time you say another phrase, imagine that you are pushing out another portion of anger. It’s as if you are pushing a black cloud or a clot of heavy cobweb out of yourself and grounding it.
It is very good at the moment of such an indirect expression of anger to hit or push something weighty in front of you. For example, a punching bag or a well-fed psychotherapist. You can simply kick a soccer ball, you can lie on your back and pound your fists on the pillows on the floor, you can simply throw stones into the water. At this point, you are literally helping your body release anger. A feeling of significant relief is guaranteed!
It is important to remember that grounding negative energy is not revenge on the offender, but separation from the evil that he placed in your body. One day during a consultation we were “pulling” two rusty nails out of my client’s back. As soon as they pulled him out, he immediately felt better.
Avoid communicating with provocateurs and trolls
There is a category of people who like to deliberately piss others off. They, like parasites, feed on other people's negative energy. The stronger the other party's emotional response, the more pleasure such people receive.
If you are a very impressionable and emotional person, you better avoid these comrades a mile away. How to recognize them? Their favorite habitat is the Internet. In the vastness of the World Wide Web, they can frolic to their heart's content while remaining unpunished.
There are many trolls in various social communities, especially political ones. They choose a victim and begin to provoke him into conflict. They use insults, ridicule of someone else's point of view, and distortion of facts. Moreover, the provocateurs themselves are indifferent to such actions against them. It is extremely difficult to promote them emotionally. By the way, this is something worth learning from them.
A provocateur can, for example, enter a community of fans of a famous artist and start throwing mud at him. Or start promoting childfree ideas in a public for young mothers.
If you already know a little how to manage your emotions, try using provocateurs for training. When entering into a duel with them, try to remain calm and not react to their antics. Focus on getting the provocateur emotional and thus winning. Just don’t get too carried away, otherwise you risk joining their ranks.
What will help you cope with negativity?
- Minimize any communication with your ex-partner. If meetings cannot be avoided due to common children, for example, then try to remain neutral.
- Be sure to forgive the man. This will benefit you first and foremost.
- Look for useful experiences in past relationships. There was definitely something good. And mistakes always help to avoid similar problems in the future. If you analyze them and draw conclusions, of course.
- Start loving yourself. Shift your focus to your life, to your inner state, and engage in self-development. Destructive feelings often lead a person to depression and self-hatred. Eliminate the causes of negative emotions as soon as possible.
If you can’t get over the breakup, you are in a depressed mood, negative feelings literally poison your life, seek help from a psychologist. And also look for support from loved ones, go to the special section of our official website of the Pavel Rakov Shopping Center “Life after separation”. Here you will find recommendations on how to cope with stress after a breakup and start a new life. And I invite you to the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness”. On it I will help you open up to new love, raise your self-esteem, and get rid of negativity in life.
Girls, how do you usually deal with hatred? Write about your experience in the comments, I remind you that the answers are anonymous.
Anger as the other side of fears
It often happens that the more fears a person has, the more tense and aggressive he is outwardly. A cornered animal stops running, turns around to face its pursuers and attacks.
It is enough to reduce the degree of fear - and a person no longer needs aggression to such an extent. She loses her charge. So if your anger is getting out of control, just ask yourself, “What am I most afraid of right now?” And then take all measures to truly protect yourself in this aspect.
In practice, some people need to find a warm, cozy place, eat delicious food, sleep well, and recharge their internal batteries. Fear will go away and there will be less ground for anger. Our ancestors knew this recipe. “First, feed me, give me something to drink, take a bath in the bathhouse, and then ask...”
Sublimate your anger
Transforming the energy of anger into creativity is aerobatics. Great artists, musicians, and sculptors master this art perfectly. I'll tell you a funny story about the artist Michelangelo Buonarroti.
While he was working on the Sistine Chapel, he was constantly pestered by an official named Biagio da Cesena. Being a stupid person and far from art, he criticized the work of the great master and found fault with every little thing. Buonarroti had a very hot temper. Once he even threw a bucket of paint at the Pope himself, who came to hurry the artist.
However, this time Michelangelo did not immediately take out his anger. He came up with a more sophisticated way. He depicted the official on a fragment of the Sistine Chapel in the image of the hero of Greek myths, King Minos, with donkey ears. But this was not enough for the master. The apogee of revenge was the snake entwining the king’s body and biting him on the genitals.
In this unusual way, the artist achieved two goals at once: curbing his anger and punishing the offender. We are unlikely to be able to repeat him, but the general principle is worth understanding. The next time you feel angry, try channeling the resulting energy into something useful.
The easiest way is to use it to destroy what you no longer need. For example, prepare the apartment for renovation: tear off the wallpaper, remove tiles, etc. Or get rid of the trash that you haven’t decided to throw away for a long time.
Speak out
Share your problem with a loved one. Outline the situation, ask for advice. Sometimes an outside perspective allows you to look at a problem from a different angle.
Those who are closest to us suffer most from our anger and aggression: husband or wife, child, friends, colleagues. Naturally, this does not have the best effect on relationships. One day you may wake up in the morning and realize that everyone has turned their backs on you.
To prevent this from happening to you, ask for forgiveness for outbursts of anger in advance. Tell them that during moments of strong emotions you cannot control yourself and can do something stupid. At the same time, you work on yourself and learn to control yourself. After such a confession, your loved ones will begin to be more lenient towards your emotional outbursts. Don't abuse this attitude, but really work on yourself.
