The friend zone is a relationship between a man and a woman in which one person is in love, and the other uses it for his own purposes (knows about the feelings and manipulates them). Sometimes this means sincere friendship between a guy and a girl, in which one of the participants in the relationship is in love with the other. One way or another, there is no official term or concept in psychology, but in everyday life such a problem occurs quite often. Let’s look in more detail and in simple terms at what the friend zone is in relationships between guys and girls.
What is a friend zone
What does the concept of “friend zone” mean? In simple terms, this is a friend zone. Translated from English, the word friend zone has exactly this meaning. Now it’s impossible to say exactly who coined the term friend zone, but it is believed that the concept was first introduced in the TV series “Friends.” There the context was as follows: “If you don’t tell a girl about your feelings for too long, she will begin to perceive you only as a friend.”
What does the friend zone mean in the 21st century in youth slang, what is it for young people? Let's give a definition. This is a special type of relationship between a man and a woman, in which one person is in love, and the other takes it for granted. More often you can hear that a man finds himself in the friend zone, but girls are not immune from this.
What is it for men and women or options for exploiting the feelings of a person in the friendship zone:
- use it as an alternate airfield (“If I don’t meet anyone normal before I’m 30, I’ll marry you”);
- ask to fix something at home, cook a meal, give you a ride, do coursework, substitute at work, etc.;
- relax/have fun/study/do something else at his/her expense;
- assert oneself at the expense of another person (it’s flattering that there is someone “at your beck and call”);
- attract into a love relationship so that the partner becomes jealous;
- use it as a ticket to a relationship with another person (you can “extort” a lot of information about his best friend from someone who is in the friend zone).
One way or another, such relationships are unhealthy. And the one who suffers the most is the one who finds himself in the friend zone.
The endless friend zone, or when you need to run away without looking back?3
Not all girls are honest and reliable; some really dream of “riding” a guy until he truly realizes that he has been fooled. To avoid obvious failure, men should not count on a relationship with a girl who openly declares that they are just friends and nothing more.
There is a very common example in life when a guy goes out of his way to hook a girl, to make her like her, and talks about how much he loves, and in return the lady offers friendship. In this case, you don’t have to wait for anything and it’s best to stop suffering for the girl and find a more worthy option.
Types of friend zone
Since there is no official concept of “friend zone” in psychology, there are no official classifications of this phenomenon. However, at the everyday level, two types of friendship zones can be distinguished:
- With expressed feelings. The one who feels sympathy directly communicates this to the other.
- With secret feelings. The one who feels sympathy does not talk about his feelings. Another person may or may not guess this.
It happens that one participant in a relationship knows about the feelings of the other, but pretends that nothing like that is happening. This is due to the fact that he is not ready to enter into a more serious relationship, but he also does not want to offend a person or lose a friend.
A girl can also end up in the friend zone5
It is believed that it is girls who keep men close to them and play with their feelings, but psychologists have proven that this is not so. Many representatives of the strong streak consciously or accidentally give girls hope for a relationship, but manipulate them for sex, money or something else. The female friend zone is just as common, and maybe even more common, than the male friend zone.
At university, a guy can make promises to a girl, counting on her help in her studies, and at work - for completing routine, complex tasks.
Often, a girl is aware of the situation she is in, feels indifference to herself, but listens to promises of a possible happy future and idealizes a man, not wanting to notice all his shortcomings.
In this case, the logic is very simple - the lady believes that the man only needs to “work up” and then he will return to the lady of his heart, who has always been there. This is indeed possible, but only in some cases, and most often such relationships end in complete disappointment.
Signs
Signs of a friend zone for a guy and a girl are common.
How to tell if you are in the friend zone:
- you are introduced to others as a friend, addressed to you as a friend (“everyone would like a friend like you,” “I would like a guy like you,” etc.);
- you are told too many details about your personal life;
- you are not invited or very rarely invited to evening walks, but at the same time they communicate with you a lot during the day;
- there is almost always a third person at your meetings;
- you have seen your opponent in every form and light (perhaps you are being consulted on “what to wear to impress him/her”);
- your opponent is very reserved in physical contacts or, on the contrary, behaves extremely cheekily towards you (in romantic relationships, physical touches are characterized by sensuality, caution or “accident”);
- sometimes you sleep in the same bed without any sexual connotation.
Note! Being in the friend zone does not exclude the possibility of sexual relations. Some men and women believe that sex is not a hindrance to friendship.
Types of Friendship Zone
Depending on the arguments given by the object of worship, there are several ways for a man or woman to end up in such a humiliating position. As a rule, people who can be useful remain in the friend zone. Anyone who allows himself to be loved understands this perfectly, and when the opportunity arises, he will not fail to take advantage of it.
Fallback option
Sometimes, while in a relationship, a guy or girl begins to notice signs of an imminent breakup. If they still break up with their significant other, they begin a relationship with someone who was previously in the friend zone. This option allows them to emerge victorious from the situation in the eyes of their former partners if they abandoned them.
It is assumed that, seeing exes with new passions, previous lovers will greatly regret breaking up the relationship.
Moral benefit
The realization that someone is in love with a person greatly pleases his pride. When guys and girls are in love, they try to fulfill any whims of their beloved. And they, in turn, due to this significantly increase their own self-esteem.
Women are flattered by male desire, and for guys this means that they are alpha males, with crowds of fans following them. In this case, things will not go further than courtship. Every attempt to move to a new level of relationship will be rejected under the most chaste pretext. This is done to elevate one’s own person in the eyes of an admirer or admirer.
Material benefit
The stereotypical thinking of society obliges a man to financially provide for all meetings and any leisure time with a lady.
Women prefer a variety of pastimes - going to the theater or cinema, restaurants and cafes. Thanks to such a guy friend, a girl can provide herself with an interesting weekend with a minimum of financial expenses. In some cases, the situation is viewed from the other side, but such men are more often called gigolos.
Causes
Reasons why relationships don't go beyond friendship:
- Indecisiveness. It happens that one or both participants in a relationship do not dare to talk honestly about everything. This is especially true for those situations where the relationship really resembles friendship.
- Lack of physical traction. It happens that a person is attracted by his inner world, but is not at all interesting as a sexual object.
- Fear of ruining friendships. Again, this is relevant for those relationships that are similar to real friendship, where everything is fair and no one takes advantage of anyone. In this case, the delay on the bench is due to the fear of losing a friend. After all, if a person refuses the offer to date, then it will definitely not be possible to make the relationship the same as it was before.
- Self-doubt and complexes. This is true both for the one who finds himself in the friend zone and for the one who is friendzoning. For example, a girl thinks that no one can perceive her as a woman, and therefore ignores all the guy’s hints and becomes friends with him. Or a guy tries to be a friend to a girl because he is afraid of rejection and does not dare to offer more. But this rather relates to the first reason.
- Psychotrauma. It happens that all the girls or guys end up in the neutral zone, because at one time a person was very disappointed in the opposite sex and is now afraid of close relationships.
The reasons for entering the friend zone are not much different for men and women.
Why the friend zone doesn't really exist
"How so?!" - you will be indignant. After all, almost everyone has a story in their repertoire where someone takes advantage of the person they fall in love with. Some for sex, some for help - you never know how to drain someone else’s resources. But what does the friend zone have to do with it? There is no smell of friendship here on all sides. It's just one person trying to improve his life at the expense of another.
Love cannot be earned. If you are forced to do this, bargained with, lured with promises, nothing good will come of it. No need to fight windmills, just leave the battlefield.
With relationships, everything is much simpler than it seems. Let's say you are in love with a person who cannot reciprocate your feelings. He offers to remain friends, and it’s up to you to agree or refuse. At this particular moment, friendship or nothing is possible between you.
The very concept of “friend zone” here is manipulation in its purest form, but not from the side it seems. Let's take the classic situation that people love to exploit. Our hero, a good boy, rushes to his friend’s aid, stays nearby in difficult times, and spends time with her. But he does not count on symmetrical help and support, which would be logical to expect from friendship, but on sex. And the main complaint, as a rule, lies precisely in this: he did so much for her, but she “didn’t give.”
The friend zone seems to imply that there is an unspoken agreement according to which one person owes the other sex for a good attitude. So, surprise: there is no such agreement.
Sex is not a bargaining item, not a reward for anything, and not an obligation, even in marriage. And courtesies are not investments that should bring profit.
Another function that justifies the existence of the friend zone is to soften the blow to the ego. You are so good, but you were rejected. It's not because there's something wrong with you. She is the mercantile monster. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Perhaps it’s the same with you and with her. The feelings are just not mutual. There is no need to look for anything special in this.
How to understand that you are in the friend zone
How to understand that you are in the friend zone? The signs of a friend zone in men and women are not much different, but in each case some things are less common and some more common. Let's look at the most typical characteristics of the male and female friend zone.
What is a friend zone for men or how can a guy understand that he is in the friend zone:
- he constantly sacrifices his time and interests for the sake of the girl;
- he is more open in expressing his feelings than the girl;
- the girl pretends that she does not understand the guy’s hints;
- if sex happened “drunk,” out of pity, or as a consolation, then the girl pretends that nothing happened.
How to determine a girl's friend zone:
- she is ready to help a guy at any time of the day or night, listen, call, exchange messages, come to visit;
- the girl invests more in the relationship than the guy;
- others perceive them as a couple;
- the guy talks about his victories on the love front, and the girl not only listens, but also advises something, helps to improve relations with competitors.
Interesting! It's not just indecisive guys and girls who end up in the friend zone. Overly annoying people also run the risk of being out of work.
Definition in simple words
The friend zone is a relationship format in which one is in love, and the other perceives him exclusively as a friend.
This concept is surrounded by several myths. According to the most common one, it is impossible to get out of the friend zone. Once a person falls into it, he is forever forced to be content with only the modest role of a friend.
Other legends say that in reality there is no friendship. The object of adoration sees the torment of her unlucky lover, but does not attach any importance to it, keeping it in reserve so that she can use it if something happens. Sometimes this does happen, but this is the exception rather than the rule.
How to distinguish the friend zone from falling in love
How to distinguish the friend zone from falling in love? If you and your opponent contribute approximately equally to the relationship, then this is sympathy. If you both are embarrassed about something, behave with restraint, try to please each other, then this is also sympathy. When falling in love, both participants in the relationship think about each other’s feelings and take care of them.
The psychology of the friend zone looks especially interesting when people communicate on social networks, for example, on VK. The object of sympathy does not see anything wrong with sending a “friend” a heart emoticon. However, the color yellow and a yellow heart are believed to be a symbol of the friend zone. Although many people are sure that any heart in correspondence other than red means a friendship zone.
Interesting! There is an unofficial friend zone day. True, I was never able to find the exact date on which it is celebrated. Some people focus on February 14, and others on July 30 (International Friendship Day).
Features of leaving the friendship zone
It is important to remember that getting out of the friend zone will require a lot of effort, so it is easier to avoid such a development of events and not fall into it. To end such a relationship, you need to do the following:
- For some time, disappear from the field of view of the object of adoration. If he has warm feelings for a fan, he will definitely notice his absence.
- It is worth showing composure and not showing your sympathy in any way. There is no need to become a vest in which you can cry, and if a conversation starts about past relationships, then immediately change the topic.
- Provoke an attack of jealousy. It is enough to pretend that a person likes someone else. Perhaps this will allow you to look at it from a different angle.
- Knowing all the requirements of the object of desire for a potential partner, try to change yourself and become his or her ideal.
- Show sexual desire towards a friend. The object of sympathy will reconsider his views on the relationship with his boyfriend.
The optimal solution to the problem is a frank conversation, or even better, try not to get into the friend zone at all. It is worth remembering that an attempt to leave the friendship zone has two options for the development of events: either the relationship will begin to develop, or it will stop altogether. But in any case, it will be better than remaining in the friend zone all your life, tormenting yourself with unrequited feelings.
Is it possible to get out of the friend zone?
Is it possible for a guy or a girl to get out of the friend zone? Psychologists, and even those who have learned from personal experience what a friend zone is, do not have an exact answer to this question. However, it is known that some people succeeded in this.
Here's what you can do to get out of the friend zone (advice from psychologists and recommendations from those who have left the friend zone):
- Make it clear that you are not ready to be just a friend. Be direct about your feelings, stop being comfortable and always available.
- Start actively meeting people of the opposite sex and telling your “friend” about it.
- Develop yourself comprehensively. But it is important not to pretend to be someone who the object of sympathy supposedly likes, but to reveal your potential and gain self-confidence.
Ideally, it is better to stick to only the first point. Don’t humiliate yourself, don’t achieve, don’t prove anything. Although you can still turn your “friendship” into real friendships. For example, split the bill in a cafe in half, refuse sex (if you had it), stop constantly helping for “thank you,” etc. There is a high probability that this will speed up the resolution of the problematic situation: the one who friendzoned will completely break off the relationship or agree to date fully.
Important! If the issue is the complexes and traumas of the person who is friendzoning, then the “friend” will not be able to do anything.
Can friendship turn into love?
Certainly. In the same "Friends" with which we began, the love of Monica and Chandler grew out of a very real friendship. And this happens in life, but feelings originate precisely from friendship, and not from the consumer attitude that characterizes typical “victims of the friend zone.”
Maria
Married a friend.
We played together on the university team for “What? Where? When?" and were friends. Then he had an accident and was locked at home. I was sad, I went to visit him - by the way, not alone, but with someone else. He was there alone and such a sweetheart. At that time I came out of an unsuccessful relationship. Then we were still friends, but I already liked him.
I still found myself in some kind of romantic stories, because I didn’t understand whether he liked me. Then she confessed. And we started dating. It turns out that from the friendship of six people to living together and getting married, about five years passed.
Bottom line
I explained what to do if a girl is friendzoned by her boyfriend, and now you have ideas on how to turn from boyfriend to girlfriend. But don’t forget that the friend zone is a toxic thing, and in any case you shouldn’t stay in it for a long time.
Approach the issue with passion, try to play with taking the relationship to a new level. Be more romantic, think over your appearance, flirt, intrigue, and have fun with it. But if you don’t succeed, don’t forget to choose the best dating site in time and switch to another person so as not to waste time and energy on someone who won’t appreciate it.
