Author of the article: Anna Aleksandrovna Narushevich Consultant psychologist, adolescent psychologist, family psychologist. Practical work experience: 15 years.
Many of us have repeatedly encountered such statements from loved ones: “Just finish school, then you can do whatever you want,” “First finish school/institute, and then do all sorts of pampering,” “Find a good job, and then think about your family.” " etc. Of course, such attitudes from adults are easy to explain and at the same time are a good example of the deferred life syndrome - a condition that prevents you from living today, getting the maximum pleasure and benefit from it (this applies to all areas of life without exception). As a result, we waste precious time, miss opportunities, and create false priorities.
Signs of delayed life syndrome
It doesn’t matter whether everything develops according to an active or passive scenario - in any case, people with delayed life syndrome have common features in thinking and behavior. Here is a list of the most common symptoms.
Waiting and anticipation. A person waits until he graduates from college, moves away from his parents, starts a family, pays off his mortgage, retires, and until then he lives with dreams and expectations. Perhaps the wait is not even associated with some big task, a person simply starts the working day and waits for lunch, spends the week in anticipation of Friday, half the year - vacation, the year - New Year.
The present is not happy. There are, of course, small joys, but people diligently devalue them. Did you receive your salary? Yes, nonsense, is it really money at all? When I become a billionaire, then I will rejoice. Promotion? Yes, this is just an expected change, when I become a top manager...
I hope at this moment you remembered the old woman from the fairy tale about the goldfish: she also suffered from delayed life syndrome.
Conceptions of a turning point. The feeling of “incomplete life” is not very disturbing, since a person has faith: “day X” will come, after which real happiness will begin. It seems that everything that is now is not as important and valuable as what will happen later.
Characteristic phrases. In the speech of people with deferred life syndrome, the following formulations often appear: “not yet...”, “now I can’t...”, “that’s when..., then and...”, “first you need...”, etc.
Frequent comparisons. Dissatisfaction with one's life manifests itself in the fact that a person evaluates and compares his achievements with those of others. And, of course, not to your advantage.
Inventories. The syndrome forces you to postpone not only joy and pleasure, but also completely material things. Such a person will have supplies of food, money, and things for all occasions. Moreover, he will not use them, because all this is “for a rainy day,” “when there is time,” “for growth,” etc.
Take care of “process” matters
There are great hobbies that will help you focus on the here and now. Find what you like, and I will tell you where the advantages are for our goal.
Tennis, for example, when the ball flies into your half of the field, you can catch that very “now”: there is only you, the racket and the ball. Nothing else. And that's great.
Painting (if you focus on technique, and not on the “high-speed” production of paintings) has an amazing ability to stop time. When you learn to distinguish the subtlest shades, watch how light runs along the edge of a glass, changing brightness every hundredth of a millimeter, you learn to Be, observe, feel.
Dancing and stretching teach you to feel your body and see how the result changes depending on your condition. Life is the moment when you come into the hall, close the door behind you, and... “let the whole world wait.”
Knitting is a great activity when you don't do it to sell. You just knit, loop by loop, and then unravel and knit again. It calms you down perfectly and teaches you not to run away.
I hope you got ideas for hobbies that are less about the results and more about the process. It is clear that with an active Internal Gendarme, any task can be turned not into pleasure, but into torture and self-torture, but I hope that this will not happen to you.
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Love triangle is deferred life syndrome
Delayed life syndrome can manifest itself in different areas. “Later” is not only about major acquisitions, achievements or getting the desired position.
Fans of gambling, for example, also tend to live in anticipation: they don’t seem to care much about family, friends or hobbies, because all their energy, all their attention is aimed at winning big. It doesn’t matter whether they are trying to seriously study the theory or are just waiting for money to fall on them - in any case, what they have now does not excite or captivate.
The same phenomenon occurs among codependents, that is, among people whose relatives suffer from alcohol or drug addiction. They don't live their lives, don't take care of themselves. Such people become slaves to someone else's addiction. For example, the wife of an alcoholic may think like this: “Well, how can I go about my business, what if he starts drinking again?!”
All hopes and dreams are connected only with someone else’s life, in which sobriety will “someday” come. Until this happens, codependents are trying to figure out a way to influence another person, rather than focusing on their own happiness.
In romantic relationships, delayed life syndrome can most often be observed in façade families and love triangles. Families are families who try their best to look ideal in the eyes of other people. Husbands, wives and even children from the outside seem happy, as if they had just been photographed for boxes of oatmeal: everyone loves each other, no one is angry with anyone, there are no conflicts...
As a rule, such people are very afraid of divorce, although in fact they have been unhappy together for a long time. But divorce, in their opinion, is a “shame,” so they continue to communicate with each other out of necessity, to save the face of the family, and do not show anyone that in fact everyone is tired of everyone. In such families, everyone is waiting for something: parents - until their children grow up, children - when their parents finally divorce and there is no constant tension at home.
Love triangles have a similar picture: everyone is waiting for something. The third person (that is, the lover or mistress) expects the partner to leave the family. Changing - that someone will resolve the situation or that a moment will come when he himself can choose. Husband or wife - that all this whim of the partner will someday end.
In my practice, there was a case when a lady remained faithful to her beloved and waited until he divorced his wife... 19 years. All this time she denied herself the right to happiness in her personal life, because someday he would still decide... no, this never happened. But she decided to leave this relationship and start living.
Learn to Be
Don't think, don't do, just be present. Notice yourself and the world around you. Concentrate on the sounds right now. What do you hear? Don't think about where these sounds come from, just watch. What's happening to your body? Are you in a comfortable position? Which hand seems heavier - the left or the right? These simple questions help bring you back to the present moment.
A great way to learn how to switch from “someday” to “now” is through meditation practices. Find audio recordings of meditations or install special applications. Choose those in which someone's voice guides your attention.
Causes of delayed life syndrome
The constant standby mode can arise both for internal reasons and under the influence of external factors.
The study of this phenomenon began when researchers discovered that many residents of northern cities view their situation as temporary and are confident that “real life” will begin when they move to more southern areas. They explained their stay in the north by the need to earn money and create the opportunity to move.
Another category of external reasons is the cultural, historical, economic and ideological characteristics of our country. Some researchers believe that the postponed life syndrome has become so widespread due to the abandonment of the planned economy. People got the opportunity to see the real results of their work, save and buy.
On the other hand, people who believed in a bright future (the “later”) for several decades tended to put their lives on hold. They did not use beautiful dishes, except perhaps once or twice a year on major holidays; We are used to standing in lines for hours - this in itself accustoms us to constant waiting.
I would say that both formats can trigger the development of delayed life syndrome, just each in its own way.
There are many psychological reasons for the development of this syndrome. Let's conditionally divide them into groups and take a closer look.
Restore emotional resources
Nervous exhaustion, called burnout, is characteristic of people suffering from delayed life syndrome.
Constant fatigue, low performance and a feeling of helplessness and apathy baffle people every day. Tension increases even more when strangers criticize or impose too high expectations. To cope with burnout and normalize your emotional background, find hobbies and daily rituals that will bring you pleasure. For example, you can set aside 20 minutes a day to dance to your favorite songs with headphones, do yoga, or do cross stitch. Pleasant baths, a massage or an evening walk will help relieve tension. Whatever type of activity you are interested in, try to devote time every day to those things that make you happy and fill you with energy. You can also use these ways to cope with emotional burnout.
From childhood and family
Features of education. Children are poor at managing their behavior, postponing desires until later, and using their will when needed. Therefore, parents teach them discipline, for which we thank them very much. True, sometimes distortions occur.
Often moms and dads very actively say what cannot be done, but they forget to say when this ban ends. And it happens that one prohibition gives way to another. First, “until you eat, you won’t get up from the table,” then, “you’ve done your homework, then you can play,” then, “when you finish school, then you’ll decide,” and “when you start your own family, then you’ll set the rules in the house.” "
Some of these restrictions are fair (only not the first, of course, is food violence), but if a child gets used to living in eternal waiting, then it is very likely that he will develop delayed life syndrome. This happens especially often among people who are accustomed to a huge time gap between goals: it’s one thing if you have to wait a day or a week, quite another thing if you have to wait a year or several years.
Diffidence. Delayed life syndrome is often associated with one or two thoughts at once: “I can’t” and “I’m not worthy.” A person consciously or unconsciously postpones important decisions, joy and pleasure until later, when he can “earn” them or when he can properly prepare for them. True, happiness never comes until a person believes in himself.
Settings. We begin to believe in certain rules of life early. These rules can be learned in childhood from parents and other significant adults, from fairy tales, films, proverbs and sayings, and religion.
For example, Cinderella suffered for a long time until the sorceress came and saved her from her sad present. It happens that some fairy tale plots have such a strong influence on the child’s psyche that in adult life people become such Cinderellas - until all the grains have been sorted out, they cannot go to the ball.
Instructions can also leave a powerful mark on the psyche: “Be patient, Cossack, you will become an ataman,” “For the sake of beauty, you must be patient,” “Time for business is time for fun,” etc.
Sometimes there are also formulations “how not to do it.” Remember the fable about the Dragonfly that sang red summer? This is exactly the case.
Family myths. In family psychology, a myth is the answer to the questions “who are we?”, “what distinguishes us from other families?” This is general knowledge about how to live. Delayed life syndrome often occurs, for example, among “survivalists.” In such families, it is believed that nothing should come easy, one must strive to achieve one’s goals at all costs, and in no case should one follow the simple path. This myth greatly unites families, because they artificially create “difficult times” for themselves, and during such periods people unite.
Visualize your desires
Visualization in this case means the mental creation of an image of a goal that needs to be achieved.
Effective visualization includes the presentation of both the result of an activity and the actions that will lead to this result.
Scientists and psychologists agree that visualization has a positive effect on the brain and encourages action. The main rule of successful visualization is to present your desires and ways to achieve them in as much detail as possible. For example, you can make detailed entries in your diary describing the process of achieving the desired success.
Personality Features
Life scenario. In transactional analysis, several scenarios are identified for which a person’s life can be programmed.
Have you ever met people for whom everything is “almost” - well, just a little more, and everything will be? True, at the last moment something interferes with the plans and it is not possible to achieve a result. The life of such people is reminiscent of the story of Sisyphus, who lifts a stone up a mountain, but at the very top, gravity turns out to be stronger and the stone rolls down again.
There is another scenario, it’s called “not yet...”. And it also resembles a myth about a hero, this time about Hercules. If you remember, this brave man had to perform 12 labors, and only then was he promised bliss. The idea behind this scenario is that something good can only happen after something bad ends. In both scenarios we see that the person does not live in the present.
Shame and disappointment. Deferred life syndrome is a great way to escape from reality. From the present, which upsets, does not satisfy, upsets. For some people, this syndrome appears due to bitter disappointment: in childhood and adolescence, they imagined their future, where they were successful, happy, and there was a Ferrari outside the window. But then they grew up, they couldn’t buy a Ferrari, and life in general is not so happy.
Accepting your failure is painful and awkward. In order not to get upset and feel shame for what didn’t work out, such people convince themselves: all this is temporary, a magical life will come soon...
Fears. Sometimes the deferred life syndrome is associated not with the fact that a person was unable to achieve something, but with the fact that, despite seemingly having all the necessary resources, he still does not dare to take the cherished action, after which happiness will come.
For example, he keeps postponing the moment of starting a family. At first he says that there is no apartment, but when he buys it, then everything will happen. But now the apartment has been bought, and our hero is still in no hurry. He says that now he needs to organize a stable income. Then passive income. Then another apartment, because this one, it turns out, is not suitable.
Do you understand, right? In fact, a person has everything he needs. But there is still a fear of achieving this goal. Maybe he's afraid of responsibility. Maybe he feels absolutely happy without a family and is afraid to admit it to himself and others (you’re supposed to want a family). In short, a whole range of fears is possible in such a situation.
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Ask yourself two questions
It happens that it is difficult to enjoy the moment because all thoughts are directed towards the future. It's not easy to have fun when thoughts about an upcoming important event, work, or some other major change in life are in your head. It seems that some part of the personality is here and now, but the other is thinking, planning, thinking: “Maybe I should have worked longer instead of this family dinner?”
If you often fall into this trap of obsessive thoughts about the future, then ask yourself two questions:
1) is there anything I can do now to achieve my most important goal?
2) do I have the energy for this?
If you answered no to at least one question, then switch to the present and enjoy what you have. Because you can’t speed up the onset of a happy future. These two questions are needed to give yourself inner permission to relax and Be in the present.
Seek support
The most important way to help yourself is to find those who will support you on the path to your goal. You've probably heard about the phenomenon of a bucket of crabs: if one tries to get free, then others do not help him, but grab onto him and pull him down.
The same thing happens with any life changes: unfortunately, the environment resists our movement forward. If there are only crab people next to you, who themselves don’t want to change anything, don’t believe in you, say something like “why do you need this”, “where are you bothering”, “what the hell are you mad about”, then they need to be replaced - on those who will believe and support.
The road to happiness is never empty; there are always people ready to help. You just need to find them and invite them into your life. We can do anything if we have support.
Symptomatic picture
Psychologists call the following signs of delayed life syndrome:
- careful preparation for a turning point and a happy future, anxious anticipation;
- the super-value of the reference point (there is nothing more important than it);
- treating the present as a meaningless existence;
- feeling of constant anxiety, excitement, fear;
- reluctance to show initiative, leadership qualities, talents, abilities, creativity;
- lack of specific plans and goals;
- tendency to hoarding, saving, greed;
- searching for excuses for oneself, self-consolation.
The syndrome is said to exist when there are 3-4 symptoms observed for at least 5 years.
Why do we put off life until later?
You are influenced by attitudes and beliefs
Serkin suggests that one of the reasons may be attitudes that have historically developed under the influence of religious and ideological teachings. And the global idea that one can endure for the sake of a bright future eventually transferred to everyday life.
Reality doesn't live up to your ideal
The future you dreamed of as a child did not happen. You did not live up to your own expectations and did not become what you wanted. But instead of starting to change your life now, you simply promise “Anatomy of change. What’s stopping you from starting the flow of change and making life brighter,” Maria Eitan, that you will make your dreams come true as soon as possible. It’s like you don’t give up on them, you just push them away - again and again.
You strive for results for the sake of the result itself
You so want to finally be in this “happy tomorrow” that you are trying with all your might to bring the moment after which, in your opinion, it will begin. And you forget that you can enjoy the process along the way. But while you are moving towards your goal, life is passing by. Your real life.
Test
Since delayed living syndrome is not a separate mental illness, there is no specific diagnosis. However, you can take the test yourself to check whether you are prone to it.
You need to answer questions quickly, without thinking. The only possible options are “yes” or “no”.
Count the positive responses. If there are more than 9 of them, you are predisposed to delayed life syndrome.
