Before you kick your over-aged son out of the house, accusing him of laziness and selfishness, think about the underlying reasons for his behavior. Why is closeness to mom and dad more important to him than freedom and independence?
First, you should ask your son why he is in no hurry to leave his parents' nest. You can ask three questions at once:
- Are you comfortable with us?
- Is it so beneficial for you?
- Do you feel safe?
If the son answers affirmatively to all three, then it is advisable to consult a psychologist, otherwise the problem can be solved on your own.
Why parents tie their child to themselves: “These are largely traumatized people themselves”
– Don’t parents understand that they are hurting their child?
“Parents don’t always do this on purpose. Communal thinking is still widespread among us. There is fear: “What will people say?”
Nowadays it is less and less, but our parents’ generation was very worried about how they looked in the eyes of other people. "Do not be fancy! Don’t disgrace me,” this could be heard very often. As if the “public facade” is important, and not the relationship between mother and child.
Hence the desire to shame: “Girls don’t behave like that, boys don’t cry.” For a parent, the idea that the child should maintain a certain image may be important: you cannot disgrace the honor of the family, you cannot wash dirty linen in public. And, if the child resists, sanctions come: physical punishment or psychological pressure.
It is not necessary to hit or call offensive names. Some punish by ignoring. They become a “cold” mother. And this is also very traumatic for the child. In the past, mothers did not understand this at all; they raised them in the spirit of “let him think, stand in the corner and cry.” This greatly breaks personality and individuality. And the person has no choice but to comply so as not to be rejected. Ignoring, especially before the age of five, is a disaster for a child. He perceives this as a real threat that he might be abandoned.
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Such strategies are used by largely traumatized people themselves who are trying to satisfy their needs through a child. A parent who revels in being overly important most often has internal dissatisfaction. And, no matter how hard the child tries to please, demanding and controlling parents will never be satisfied.
It must be recognized that parenthood is a charitable act. We give life to a child and then let him go on his own. Supporting individuality and desires guide him. Don’t force him to go to music school if the child doesn’t like it, but enroll him in the pool if he likes swimming. Help him become a harmonious person so that he can further separate himself, and not tie the child to you so that he constantly looks back at you.
If we raise a child as an adult with his own desires and values, then we do not rely on him as the main project of our life, from which we expect dividends.
Why is he so dependent
It is important to understand that the overprotection that the son was subjected to in childhood is not the only reason for his lack of desire for independence. Sometimes this can happen due to the divorce of parents, the loss of a relative, or another misfortune, under the influence of which the son falls into emotional dependence on one of the parents, most often on his mother.
Another common reason for the lack of independence of an adult son lies in the family scenario. This concept refers to unconscious patterns of behavior that are passed on from generation to generation. For example, if your husband was a mama's boy and lived with his parents for a long time, and you yourself still depend on your mother's opinion, then there is a high probability that your child will follow the same scenario.
The transmission of behavioral patterns occurs at the emotional or verbal levels. For example, when parents rebuke their son: “Why are you acting like a little kid?”, “You’re nowhere without us!”, “Who will help you, except us?” Such maxims are accompanied by certain facial expressions and intonations. All this forms the child’s scenario protocol and plan for his future life.
Rewriting the family script is difficult, but possible. This requires effort not only on the part of the son, who does not want to leave the parental nest, but also on the part of the parents themselves. They should analyze the scenario of their family, and also help the child get rid of imposed patterns of behavior and understand his true desires.
How to properly separate from parents as an adult? “You need to learn to build boundaries”
– Separation implies a restructuring of relationships: a transition from the “adult-child” model to equal relationships between two adults. To straighten out relationships, you need to see yourself as an adult. You shouldn't try to change anything about your parent. And it is hardly possible to change a mature person without his desire. You need to change your own behavior - perhaps then the relationship will transform.
It is necessary to admit that we are different from our parents - and we should not correspond to them, always please them, be the same as them. You are a separate person. You can admit that you don't like playing the piano like your mom wants you to. You may not like medicine if after school your parents sent you to medical university. You need to see the part where you don't agree with them and accept that it's okay. Accept that you have the right to do this.
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You need to realize that parents are a product of their life, upbringing and experience. They're not perfect. They gave us what they could give. At some point, it is important to find this anger and resentment towards them in yourself: “What have you done to me? How could you do this?” But there is no point in dwelling on this: we do not choose our parents. And unfortunately, all we can do is accept that they are imperfect people. And take responsibility to change your life further.
You need to look for your interests and desires and try to satisfy them. And with parents, it is important to build boundaries, to find a balance between distance and approach. This process can occur through conversations: if, for example, you are uncomfortable when your mother calls every day, you need to tell her about it. It is better to search for and work on painful areas with a psychologist.
– Can a person benefit when, even as an adult, his mother decides everything for him ?
– Yes, this is the secondary benefit – shifting responsibility to someone else. But then there is a risk of living a life that is not yours. It's normal to encounter mistakes. It is impossible to understand what life is without going through disappointments and failures. Taking responsibility for yourself is a volitional decision.
How boundaries appear
The world around us constantly tests our strength: at work there is always a colleague who is ready to shift his responsibilities onto others, in companies there is an annoyingly frank friend, and even some friends tend to sit on our necks. But the most difficult thing to build healthy personal boundaries is in your own family.
A person is not born with ready-made boundaries. On the contrary: first the baby develops as a part of the mother’s body, and then, in the first months of life, he is in complete psychological fusion with her. Gradually, until the age of 17–20, the new person gains independence.
For a child to become a full-fledged adult, not only his efforts and time are required, but also the active assistance of his parents. But they do not always play a constructive role in this process, and sometimes they actively interfere with healthy growing up.
Toxic parents are not called toxic because we don't like them. Most of them - controlling, helpless, drinking and using violence - are united by an unconscious desire to keep the child with them at all costs in a state of codependency and submission.
Personal boundaries are a relatively new concept born out of a culture of individualism. They were widely discussed in psychology only in the 1960s–1980s. Just two or three generations ago, an extremely close-knit family, closed from external interference, was considered an excellent survival strategy, and not at all a pathology.
