If you have already noticed that your child is reluctant to go to class, does not say anything about school life and classmates, and never turns to them for help, it is quite possible that he is lonely. Your child's class teacher will help confirm your concerns.
Having worked at schools for many years, I often come across the fact that even in large classes, some children remain lonely until graduation. Years later, they are reluctant to remember their school days.
What to do when the problem is already obvious? Run to school and deal with unfriendly classmates? Putting pressure on a child? Or maybe transfer him to another class or school? Let's look for a way out of this situation together.
Don't call the school
Dr Claire Daly, an educational psychologist and author of books on child psychology, gives her advice on this complex topic. The first thing parents worry about is whether they should contact the school authorities to transfer him to another class. This is almost never a good idea. If your child has communication problems, they will not go away at another school. Moreover, this will become additional stress for him. This is not where you need to start.
Certain relationships have already been established in your child’s class, and they need to be worked on and developed. There are certain reasons why children were assigned to this class. This will be a great opportunity for your child to start a new conversation with people they already know.
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What is the first impression made of?
1. Appearance. Before the end of the summer holidays, be sure to find out the internal regulations of the school and the requirements that the administration imposes on the appearance of students. Once you know this, you will understand what kind of clothing is acceptable in this school and what is not. In addition to clothing, remember about personal neatness: a person’s hair and shoes should always be clean and tidy, regardless of his views and financial situation. Being neat means, first of all, respecting yourself. If others see that you don’t respect yourself, will they respect you?
2. Behavior and self-presentation. A smile and a good mood are what always endears you to others. Be friendly, don't be shy when you meet someone. Be prepared to tell about yourself - what’s your name, where are you from, what are your interests. But remember the golden rule of communication: a good conversationalist is one who knows how to listen well. Therefore, when you meet, do not rush to tell everything about yourself, also ask your new classmates about their hobbies, take an interest in the life of the school, and the teachers. Such general questions are very appropriate for the first day of dating.
3. Be yourself. Everyone, coming to a new team, wants to gain authority and be accepted. But not everyone notices how, trying to impress others, they begin to make up something about themselves. Or agree to something that is completely unnecessary. And even worse is to give in in some situations where you need to show willpower. The ability to remain oneself is an important quality of a person, regardless of age. It is only at first glance that it seems that you need to be better, brighter and need to prove something in order to be accepted in the team. Be sure that a good team will accept you for who you are.
If you know how to remain true to your principles, beliefs, know how to express your opinion and defend your views, this will help you not only establish the necessary contacts, but also avoid unnecessary ones. This is especially important if you find yourself in a team where there are rules and relationships that place someone “higher” and someone “lower.” The ability to show your will in such situations can help you avoid problems in the future, and perhaps change the mood in the team.
Best friend for life is a myth
It's nice to think about having one best friend forever, but it's not always the same person throughout childhood or even the entire school year. It's more like "best friends for now." It can be a real tragedy for your child if his best friend makes a new friend over the summer and he feels left out.
No one person can meet all the needs of a friendship—let's be honest, that sounds too ideal. It is much better to encourage your child to build a circle of friends (a larger circle of people to socialize with) than to do everything with just one friend, as this will promote independence and resilience. This is much better for your child's self-esteem and development.
Encourage cooperative play
If your children are afraid of losing old friends, you can support their existing relationships with friends by inviting them over. Encourage them to do activities together after school, provide opportunities for FaceTime and games they can play together, such as Roblox. Yes, indeed, it is better to give children this screen time, but so that they spend it usefully and for the benefit of strengthening their relationships.
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...And leaders...
When Lena was in 11th grade, she and her dad were in a car accident. The result is two months of immobility in a hospital bed. And then the unexpected happened: one fine day the ward was filled with classmates. All 28 people crammed into a small room, causing a commotion among the medical staff. At first, everyone was a little confused: it happened that this visit was the first joint class event in which everyone participated voluntarily. Then, having assessed the situation, the people quickly distributed duties: who could replace parents at their “post”, who would carry homework. And three girls conducted the process. Which, by the way, were not considered Lena’s friends...
Psychologists would say that the situation revealed emotional leaders. Because, according to their science, any group subconsciously puts forward leaders at the beginning of its formation. As a rule, when there is general confusion, they become those who show greater activity, awareness and sincere interest. They are willingly listened to and people turn to them for advice. These are emotional leaders. Later, functional leaders are determined. Everyone is happy to invite the first to birthdays. The latter are more willing to sit on tests.
By the way, if there are approximately equal numbers of boys and girls in a group, the functional leader more often becomes a boy, and the emotional leader - a girl.
And how brightly they will show themselves during their school years depends on how interested their classmates are in each other.
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Active search for friends
Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time to make friends. Involving your child in activities that he enjoys will not only make him happier (genuine smiles attract other people), but will also force him to interact with like-minded peers.
Sports clubs, art classes, and games in the park are great ways to meet new friends with similar interests. The same advice, in principle, is suitable for adults and all people in general. Common interests bring people together, so let the child have many of them. Take him to different circles, sign him up for several at once, so that you have a better chance of finding those with whom it will be truly interesting and pleasant.
Who can be the ideal class teacher?
- An avid hiker who takes the boys with him on expeditions.
- A researcher who managed to captivate students with his extracurricular interests.
- An intellectual who takes children to museums and theaters not because it is required according to the program, but for the sake of aesthetic pleasure.
- A volunteer who awakened in schoolchildren compassion and a desire to provide all possible help to those in need.
You can continue the list yourself. After all, the main task is to live interestingly.
But parents, by the way, can do little to help unite the class: the last thing teenagers want is to be like their dads and moms. And there is no use in fussing here.
How to respond to the phrase “nobody loves me”?
“I don’t love anyone” or “nobody loves me” - a child always says this out of a sense of insecurity. Remember that making friends takes time. They need to get to know each other. This can be even more difficult if your child is shy, as their reserved behavior may seem like bad manners to other children. That's why he has no friends.
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Talk to your child about how he is feeling. Explain calmly that no one can please everyone, and that’s okay. Finding like-minded people takes time and effort on both sides. Tell him that the child needs to be able to show his best qualities, and not hide them by withdrawing into himself. Then others will notice and appreciate him and want to communicate more closely with him.
First day
Traditionally, the new student is introduced to the class by the class teacher. But if it turns out that you weren’t introduced, don’t be shy to approach the guys and get to know them yourself. The faster you do this, the easier it will be to get used to it further.
On the first day of school, it is very important how you are prepared to meet new people and learn in a new class. Based on the newcomer’s appearance, facial expression, gestures, and demeanor, those around him very quickly read his emotional mood and how he relates to people.
Surely you have noticed: you meet a stranger, and you already feel whether you like the person or not, whether you want to communicate with him or whether you would prefer to stay away.
First impressions are very important in establishing contacts and new relationships.
How to start a conversation?
Most children are nervous when starting a conversation with strangers. They may be so worried about starting a conversation with a peer that they don't notice that someone is trying to talk to them. Share these good strategies for starting a conversation:
- Find something in common (“I saw you play football, I love football too”).
- Offer help (“I can show you where this class is”).
- Introduce yourself clearly and confidently (“Hi! I’m Anna, I think we’re in the same class”).
- Show interest (“I wanted to read this book, did you like it?”).
- Give a compliment (“Your haircut is cool, it looks great!”).
- Share your feelings (“I also moved once, it was very hard at first”).
- Ask for an opinion (“Which color do you like best?”).
- Invite to spend time together (“Would you like to have lunch together?”).
Psychology of the school community
School is a place that becomes a second home for everyone for a certain period of time.
And it is very good if initially the child finds himself in a healthy atmosphere of a friendly and cohesive class. But in most cases this is not the case, and many children find it difficult to build friendly relationships with their classmates. But they spend about 11 years of their lives side by side with these people. What and how to do to teach a child to be friends with classmates, so that peers from the same class understand and respect each other? Should adults intervene in children's conflicts? Do problems with attracting teachers need to be addressed? We talk about this popularly and impartially.
Don't encourage intrusiveness
When it comes to creating and maintaining friendships, one thing that doesn't work is clinginess. Friendships can quickly end when one feels overwhelmed by the other. If your child clings to his friend, keeps up with him, or becomes intrusive, advise him to take a break.
Many children get upset if they see their friends with other children. If they get angry and make a scene, it will harm their friendship rather than improve it. Remind your child that a friend is still a friend and that there are other people out there. And most importantly, friendship should bring pleasure, and not become an obligation, a burden for two.
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What can't you do?
Psychology describes in detail advice on what not to do when trying to improve relationships with classmates:
- Be aggressive, avoid communicating with guys, answer them rudely, provoke aggression, immediately throw fists at classmates if you don’t like something.
- Strive to earn cheap prestige among peers, trying to bribe them in various ways, treating them with sweets, cajoling them with gifts or sponsoring them with money.
- Participate in gossip and all sorts of intrigues.
- Strive to bring every classmate into the rank of your best friends.
And always remember just one thing: if you find yourself in a situation of difficult relationships with classmates, then do not despair, arm yourself with patience and know that everything will pass and this stage will also end!
