Mental and spiritual closeness is the key to a long and strong family life. But sometimes intimacy develops into indifference, and indifference into alienation. Why do those who swore eternal loyalty to each other become strangers? Evgenia Zotkina, clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences , talks about how to recognize signs of alienation and prevent a crisis in family relationships
First signs
One of the key identifying signs is irritability for no reason, the so-called clinging to little things. The reason for this irritation does not lie in them, but lies on a completely different plane.
When people fall in love, everything seems rosy to them. We often dream about another person and invent a lot of things for ourselves. And then life checks to what extent our fantasies about each other coincide with reality. Frustration and resentment accumulate. And often the spouse shifts his own problems - his lack of fulfillment, making wrong decisions, his failures - onto his partner and demands that he brighten up his life. Such people believe that they cannot be happy until they have a certain set of goods - a car, an apartment, a lot of money, a prestigious job. They reduce their existence to the most boring schemes - they came home from work, ate and lay down on the sofa in front of the TV; nothing in life pleases or delights them. And if you continue to unwind this ball, then such a person does not really like his job, and his spouse is not very happy with him. As a rule, a person learns this form of being at an early age from his parents, who believed that life should be difficult, there is nothing good in it, and what is there to be happy about if there is deception and misfortune all around. This is the so-called philosophy of decadence.
Stop being his mom
Another common mistake that almost all women make, and, admittedly, me too, is when they behave like a mother and not a woman. How does this manifest itself? First of all, in excessive care and guardianship. If you worry about whether he has eaten well, whether he is dressed warmly, what socks and underpants he is wearing, then you are depriving him of his independence. In the end, he will begin to perceive you as a mother, and not a lover. Remember when you were just starting to date, did you care whether he had breakfast or not, or whether he put warm insoles in his shoes?
Causes of an unhappy marriage
Often spouses grow cold towards each other and stop being happy primarily because they have nothing to give each other.
We must understand that the world is the art of the possible; that not everyone can get a job that he likes and earn as much as he would like, but you should always strive for this and not give up your hopes and desires. And then the life of this person will not turn into a joyless existence, survival. He does not limit his world to the level of his work; he will always find an opportunity to pay attention to his interests. After all, now you can find a lot of interesting things for your own development and enrichment. And it's not about money at all. Neurophysiological studies were carried out: scientists scanned the human brain and studied how it reacts to the emotions of joy. It turned out that in order to experience great joy, a person only needs a trivial reason - to smile at a child passing by, to pet a cat, to eat candy. A person can be happy from nonsense and, accumulating emotions of joy within himself, becomes a happy person. The more we enjoy the little things, the more we develop the capacity for joy. The same thing happens with negative emotions.
And it seems to a person that he will be much happier if he wins a car, buys an apartment, earns a lot of money, than if he just goes for a walk in the park and enjoys the first snow or the rays of the sun. The brain reacts to “big” and “small” joys in exactly the same way. Therefore, it is very important to fill your own life with small joys, and then your spouse will feel this joy coming from you and will also share their joy with you. For example, prepare dinner and put the food on beautiful plates, decorate the table, dress beautifully. From small joys and the desire to make your life more beautiful, more interesting, a lot in the family changes for the better.
How to improve relationships after a quarrel
To restore a relationship after a quarrel, you first need to find out its cause. Sit down and discuss what the partners didn’t like in this situation and why it happened. Everyone should express their position on this issue. Then come to a common solution to the problem so that quarrels on this basis no longer arise. Apologize if necessary. Remember that usually both are to blame in a conflict and you need to be able to admit your mistakes.
Relationships are complex and painstaking work between two people. Here you need to be able to listen and hear your partner, be able to talk, and thank. I want you to build harmonious, holistic relationships from a state of responsibility. After all, you are just as responsible for the relationship as your partner.
If one spouse has lost interest in the other
This happens quite often in married couples. In general, it rarely happens when spouses love each other equally and treat each other equally well. In such a situation, it is important not to be offended by your spouse because he does not meet your expectations, but to try to understand his mood and give the other the opportunity to be himself. If you have a trusting relationship, you can try to talk about this topic. It happens that men have problems at work and they have nothing to do, all the little joys at home fade into the background, and until these problems are solved, he will walk around gloomy and joyless, and you personally have nothing to do with it. In this case, it is better not to touch him, not to bother him with questions, not to force him to be cheerful and cheerful, but to give him the opportunity to be in this state. Feeling the other person and giving him space in a relationship is very important in family life.
What not to do
Restoring relationships is a labor-intensive process in which mistakes can be made. Some men completely bend to the whims of their wives to please them, others put moral pressure, and still others show annoying obsession. To improve relationships, try to avoid the most unforgivable mistakes:
- hushing up your own complaints - of course, it is important for you to do everything to regain your wife’s favor, but do not forget to talk about your dissatisfaction, otherwise the relationship will not be able to revive and improve;
- pleasing - you should not do everything that a woman wants, just to make peace faster, such behavior will not eliminate problems in relationships, on the contrary, they will only accumulate;
- uncompromisingness - if you are not able to admit your share of guilt in the fact that the relationship has deteriorated, it is unlikely that you will be able to reconcile, the improvement in the microclimate will be temporary;
- lack of initiative - after quarrels and conflicts, it is difficult to take the first step to improve relationships, but initiative is largely the prerogative of men, this is important to remember;
- inability to hear - even if you listen to everything your spouse says during a quarrel or a frank conversation, this does not guarantee that you will understand her, although this is an important condition for the restoration of peace and harmony.
Expert opinion
Elena Druzhnikova
Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.
When trying to maintain or improve relationships, try to start with yourself. A big mistake most men make is waiting for a woman to make the first move. If you clearly understand that you love her, improve yourself, and she will answer you in kind.
How to correct a situation when a husband and wife have lost interest in each other
It is always possible to correct a difficult family situation if the spouses want to correct it. Often people are mistaken when they try to leave their old family and find a new partner, not realizing that they need to solve their own problems - the inability to rejoice, trust, forgive. Often in such a situation, people choose a completely mirror partner and step on the same rake. Therefore, before you take this or that step, you first need to understand yourself and understand why you are bored and uninterested in marriage, why you demand from your partner that he loves you, entertains you, makes you happy, and confirms your own importance. After all, even if you are disappointed in your partner, you can always remain respectful of the other person, try to accept his difference, find pleasant topics for conversation, and make your relationship as pleasant as possible for each other while you are together.
Situations are different, and in some cases it is worth fighting to save the family, and in some cases it will be better for both spouses to separate. For example, if a husband is constantly dissatisfied with something, finds fault with his wife for no reason, and this has become the main leitmotif of their relationship, then, of course, this is some kind of problem that needs to be solved. And sometimes it happens that it really cannot be resolved and it would be better for both spouses to leave this relationship.
Responsibility and acceptance of the roles of men and women in the family
Despite the equality of the sexes, there are still some different traditions, an order that is established both from above and by human civilization. It involves the division of responsibilities and duties among people of different genders.
God has assigned functions to a man that are related to his physical endurance, courage, and strong muscles. It is necessary to be:
- head of the family;
- her protector;
- breadwinner for the household.
A woman has a different purpose. She is entrusted with the task of maintaining the household, she has to give birth to children and help her other half. Male and female roles, although they differ in function, are equal in importance. From the moment of marriage, husband and wife must agree on personal responsibilities and on making common decisions in family problems. When partners are not capable of such action, their union can quickly collapse.
Henry A. Bowman, in his publication Marriage in Modern Society, compares the family union to the image of a lock and key, connected together in an inextricable functional unity. Each representative of the opposite sexes is unique, but alone they are imperfect. Their functions cannot be called identical or interchangeable. Absolutely no one is capable of surpassing, since both representatives of the family are necessary. When this balance is disturbed, problems arise in the family. That’s when specialists—psychologists—can come to the rescue. For example, an audio course on “how to improve relationships.” Of course, at the beginning of disagreements, everything can be resolved on your own. How to improve family relationships with your husband after starting a life together when conflict situations arise - let’s look at it in more detail. And if you need help from a psychologist, we recommend this site.
In what cases is a psychologist needed to save a marriage?
You should start sounding the alarm when the spouses cause very strong irritation to each other and can no longer be in the same space. They are irritated by everything - smells, sounds, no matter what one says to the other. Here you need to understand the root cause, why is this so annoying? Most of the complaints in marital relationships stem from childhood - unspoken complaints against parents result in complaints against the spouse. As a rule, the main motive for getting married for such a person is a longing for intimacy, a longing for love, it seems to him that he is lonely, and he wants to fill his gaping emptiness with another person. When getting married, people with such internal needs initially experience euphoria from a new relationship, indulge themselves with illusions and hopes, make plans - we’ll make repairs, buy a car, give birth to a child, and life will get better. But it is not getting better, because initially the internal request to your partner to save you from loneliness was impossible, since a person can fill his emptiness only with his inner world. And when suddenly one of the spouses realizes that, despite the harmony of plans, he is still unhappy and nothing makes him happy, he becomes terribly disappointed in this relationship and shifts the blame from himself to the other. In such a situation, in order to understand yourself, you should seek help from a specialist whom you could trust to resolve your problems.
Less words
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There are also techniques in family life that will not allow you to improve your relationship with your husband. Obviously you shouldn't do the following things:
- “Nagging” your spouse.
Learn to make claims correctly, negotiate and never criticize your husband in front of strangers or close people. Especially with children. Finding out the relationship is a matter for two.
- Hit where it hurts.
Of course, in a figurative sense. The male psyche is extremely fragile; it may not be able to withstand the insults thrown by his wife about his masculine strength, dignity and career successes.
- Killed by jealousy.
As we have already noted, this is a feeling from which both suffer, regardless of who initiated it. Jealousy is the lot of weak and insecure people. Are you like that?
- Remember old grievances.
With each year of marriage, they, like a snowball, will only accumulate. If you forgive a person for something, then cross it out in your memory and never return to the offense.
- Stoop to insults and obscene language.
Some experts consider this behavior in quarrels to be the fifth, penultimate stage of family degradation. If you reach the point of mutual humiliation, you should immediately take a break from the quarrel, because what happens next is only assault.
Psychologists say that a family is a single organism that can periodically both get sick and feel the best in the world. True, he can also die. But there is always a chance of recovery if the disease is not brought to an extreme stage. In the end, a qualified specialist can help save your relationship with your husband in time. Family psychologists have not been canceled.
How should spouses behave in marriage in order to always be interesting to each other?
If we talk about an ideal marital union, then this is a union of two individuals who are interesting in themselves. They have no request for their partner to make their life interesting, rich, and fun; they do not make demands, but discover new activities and phenomena for themselves. There are a lot of exciting things in life, and when spouses are each interested in living separately, then they have no complaints against each other. Moreover, in a married couple, everyone can have their own hobbies. A husband may love fishing, a wife may enjoy needlework, but the important thing here is that such couples are open to everything new, life itself is interesting to them. And such people, joining in a marital union, certainly enrich each other. In any situation, they find in themselves the ability to be surprised and delighted, because the world is not fully knowable, colorful and polyphonic.
Love is giving yourself to another
Love is a special relationship between people that does not allow the superiority of one partner over the other or unquestioning submission to one. This is how the law regulates family relationships. Being in a family relationship, a loving person gives all his vital energy along with his strength to his partner. He constantly shares grief and happiness with his loved one, thereby increasing his own love, expanding his worldview, and improving his personal experience. This whole complex of feelings is the spiritual wealth of any family man. Only in love do we give everything in order to receive even more in return. We receive something with the goal of certainly giving our best.
Love is knowledge through spiritual rapprochement, as well as identification with a loving partner, experiencing identity with him. When getting married, you should be ready to perform a daily, even hourly, feat of love. We love not because we are loved, but because we are cared for. It is caring for a loved one that increases mutual love. Intrafamily love grows only through mutual care.
If you love, then you should not try to somehow remake your loved one for yourself. You need to perceive him as he really is - after all, you fell in love with just such a person. On the contrary, you must be ready to change your own habits so that your beloved becomes truly happy.
