Happy marriage: secrets, the ability to build relationships, tips and recommendations from happy people

• September 14, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Valentina Buravleva

Almost every woman dreams of creating her own strong, happy family. It is important to have a reliable rear support for men too. Building such a family is not so difficult. Below are some basic tips that can be followed to make spouses happy in marriage. So, let's begin.

Love

The most banal secret of a happy marriage is love, which should also be the foundation of the family. There will inevitably be quarrels in a marriage, but spouses should always have a positive attitude towards each other at heart. It is necessary to appreciate your soulmate, despite all the adversities. True love is often confused with what is commonly called attraction, falling in love. There is also nothing wrong with a light and playful feeling, but it is not sufficient for building a long-term relationship. When two people build their lives, achieve personal and joint goals, and face life's adversities, there must be something more between them than physical attraction. It is love that allows you to forgive your partner’s shortcomings, be tolerant, and take into account his needs.

At the same time, true love has nothing to do with one of its pathological forms - love addiction. In the latter case, one partner actually turns into a psychological appendage of the second partner. His life is aimed only at taking care of his second partner, but he conveniently forgets about himself and his needs.

It is significant that love addiction is a kind of marker indicating the lack of true love and understanding between spouses. It often develops in relationships where one partner does not take into account the needs of the other. Moreover, this is done with the permission of the latter. The dependent partner does not pay attention to all the antics of the other and continues to give him his material and physical resources. You cannot build a happy marriage in such a case. In this case, the dependent spouse needs to learn to truly love. And you need to start with self-love. Without loving yourself, it is impossible to experience bright feelings for your husband or wife.

How a woman can learn to love and value herself. How to learn to value yourself - exercises and tips

Every person, regardless of gender and age, tries to bring something new and valuable into life, but even after receiving the result they do not value themselves. But in vain, because this is the only way to become better and smarter.

First of all, make a list of the important things you have done throughout your life to estimate the amount of work done. As a result, you will have reasons to value yourself. If this doesn't happen, get an incentive to learn.

• Increased self-esteem. The best way to achieve your goal. Self-esteem determines a person’s capabilities and actions, and its absence does not allow one to do even a simple thing. Pay due attention to the development of self-esteem.
• Self-development . Only a person who works on himself will achieve success. By focusing on development, you will benefit yourself and your loved ones. Later you realize that a lot in life depends on you. Play sports, read books, increase your IQ and gain experience. Mistakes and failures should not hinder the achievement of a goal, because thanks to them a person becomes stronger and better.
• Love and respect yourself. If you want to learn to value yourself, love and respect yourself always. A person cannot exist without mistakes and failures. There are positive aspects in everything. Without giving up, look for a way out of the situation. It is possible that after overcoming the barrier you will have the opportunity to find happiness and achieve success.
• Find your strengths. Don't ignore shortcomings. Thanks to this, you will approach life's issues correctly and easily cope with difficulties. A person who knows his strengths uses them for their intended purpose.
• Practice. Learning to value yourself through inaction is unrealistic. The key to happiness and success is practice. I advise you to start with actions. If you begin to respect them, learn to value yourself and other people along with the world around you.
• Find your life purpose and passion. Doing something you love will bring you joy, and you will be able to treat yourself with respect, regardless of the outcome.

Ability to find a compromise

How to make a marriage happy, turning it not into a place of endless showdowns, but into a quiet haven where you can take a break from life’s hardships? One of the most important tools is the ability to find a compromise. No matter how ideal a person may seem to himself, he still has his shortcomings. Just like your marriage partner. Don't try to remake it for yourself. This will not lead to anything good - if you put pressure on your partner, threaten or try to manipulate him, this will only cause protest.

Often, due to the incompatibility of basic views on life, a marriage can collapse in the first years of its existence. In many cases, this could be prevented by learning to compromise with your lover. For example, a husband believes that a full weekend is not about spending time with his wife, but about going fishing. If the spouse fundamentally disagrees with the fact that everyone spends their free time separately, then after a while the marriage will fall apart one way or another. If she is ready to put up with her husband’s preferences, you can try to find common points. For example, a husband can pay his wife for shopping on the weekends that he spends on vacation.

It was easier before

It was not for nothing that nobles married nobles, peasants married peasants, and merchants married merchants. This made it easier for a person to understand what awaited him in a relationship: what role, what place he would occupy, what he would have to do, what he would be responsible for. Then there was the experience of the USSR, when people got married very early for several reasons. One of them is forbidden sex. There was no protection, and hormones were playing. To make sexual relations legal, people got married. However, parents took responsibility for the family, because at a young age it was not possible to receive a good salary and support the family on their own. Everything was regulated: I studied, went to work, received a salary of 100 rubles. We are fragments of this system. Our country is still very strong in many people. It doesn't break down that quickly.

Is divorce inevitable? How to understand that a relationship is over, and whether it can be fixed Read more

Confidence

The question of how to make a happy marriage is one of the most pressing for both newlyweds and experienced couples. One of the most important components of family happiness is trust in your partner. Both spouses must understand that marriage is a joint life of two full-fledged people, whose personal space is in contact, but should not merge completely.

Everyone needs freedom. There is no need to try to chain your spouse to the house. Do not forget about personal space, which should be preserved even after marriage. At the same time, there must be a trusting relationship between husband and wife. Partners should not be afraid to tell each other about their fears or desires. The confidence that after mutual revelations they will not receive condemnation and will be understood correctly will only strengthen the relationship. Happy couples trust each other without focusing on unnecessary details.

Often, in order to develop a sense of trust in your husband or wife, you need to make a lot of effort. Many people fear that their spouse may somehow fail to live up to their trust. Sometimes such anxiety is justified, but, unfortunately, in many cases, mistrust destroys the family. It is almost impossible to build a happy marriage without mutual trust. Therefore, it is necessary to learn to overcome fear. It is useful to instill in yourself the idea that the husband or wife loves and will not neglect family values.

How to be happy in marriage?

Conversation with Father Alexander Nikolsky Contents:

• Part 1
• Part 2

Part 1

‒ According to Rev. Nectarius of Optina, “happiness in married life is given only to those who fulfill the commandments of God and treat marriage as a Sacrament of the Christian Church.” And how can this attitude “how to the Sacrament” be expressed?

‒ First of all, spouses should always remember the words of Holy Scripture “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). The same words were read to them (if the marriage was crowned) in the Sacrament of Marriage. Therefore, a husband and wife must always, every minute, believe that their union is the Providence of God.

Nowadays people often get divorced because “it’s not for me”, “my spouse is not suitable for me, I need to look for someone else, my other half is walking around somewhere, but I made a mistake here.” And believing spouses know that God united them. And my other half is mine. It may be imperfect, sinful, with problems, but it is mine . God gave this to me. This is useful to me, this is saving me.

Any Sacrament is aimed primarily at the salvation of the soul. A person knows that “even though I have problems in my marriage, God specifically gave me a person with such problems so that I could be saved.” We must always remember this and overcome temptations with God’s help.

‒ Is it important to strive for unity between husband and wife? What does this concept mean?

- Of course, it’s important. We believe in one holy catholic apostolic Church. And the family is called the home church. Naturally, if there is God, if there is love, especially if God is love (John 4:8), then there must be unity of love in marriage. And not just any love. There is also carnal love - the husband loves his wife only as a woman, and the husband’s wife only as a man. They may quarrel often, but when they are together in a carnal way, everything is fine. There must be unity of Christian love. Not on the basis of passionate feelings, but on the basis of spiritual love.

What love is is difficult to express, since love is from God. This is divine energy that manifests grace in people. Although there is a well-known apostolic definition of the properties of love: “Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, although prophecy shall cease, and tongues shall be silent, and knowledge shall be abolished” (1 Cor. 13:4-8). From this definition we understand that meekness and humility will come from a loving person.

And passions are not humble. A person under the influence of passions wants to receive and is even ready to intimidate and deceive another person. Christian love does not suppress another person and, unlike passions, does not suppress the person himself. Because God does not suppress us, he humbly waits for us to come to Him.

Of course, complete unity is possible only in the face of God, only among two deeply religious people. Not even every Orthodox family can dare to call itself a home church in its entirety, to say that there is complete unity between spouses. This is our goal in the sacrament of marriage - to achieve unity in love. Why are we getting married? Because the Lord gives us spiritual strength to come to unity in love with each other. If two Orthodox people met and got married, this does not mean that this unity already exists. We must strive for it.

‒ Why is it so difficult to achieve unity in marriage?

- Relationships can develop in such a way that spouses begin to internally separate themselves from each other. They don’t get divorced, they seem to be one family, and there are even times when they live quite amicably. But there are often situations in which one perceives the other as something external that puts pressure on me, interferes with me, and does not help me. After all, you can live without a divorce as if you were divorced.

The fact is that in the latter case, the spouses forget that the problems of the other half are common problems, and not just “his” or “hers”, respectively. What connects people and especially spouses? Love. But here this love is not there. There is protest, there are hostile feelings. You no longer perceive this person as one of your own .

As St. said. Grigory Theologian, if your husband is a drunkard, then it’s like a sore arm - you won’t ask the doctors to amputate it as quickly as possible, but on the contrary, you’ll want to preserve it, if possible! This is how you need to treat the problems of your spouse. You should always remember the words of St. John Chrysostom: “A husband and wife should be like hands and eyes. When your hand hurts, your eyes cry. And when the eyes cry, the hands wipe the tears.”

- It turns out that we spend the whole day worrying about anything, but not about unity with our other half?

- Yes, we often forget that the main thing is not to do external things, but to preserve and increase peace in the family based on love. There are good words from Abbot Nikon (Vorobiev): “Love each other, have pity on everyone, keep peace at any cost, let the cause suffer, but peace will remain!” The main thing in the family is Christian love. External actions are acceptable only as an expression of love, and without the desire for love, even going to church can result in pharisaism.

We must always remember the basic commandments - “thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind: this is the first and greatest commandment; the second is similar to it: love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

If people start quarreling over which wallpaper is best to hang, one has to give in and endure it. If one of the spouses insists on his own opinion in an everyday matter and thereby causes a quarrel, this is a clear sin.

One woman’s husband was a director, and she had already seen his new film several times. They went to visit, the wife and her friend sat in the room to watch this film again, and the husband and his friend had an interesting conversation in the kitchen. A friend says: “Let’s go join them!” And the wife replies: “No, if I don’t finish watching the picture, it will be unpleasant for my husband, he may get upset.” The wife’s goal in this example is not to offend her husband, and this is very good. Of course, not to the extreme - my husband often drinks, and I will keep him company. Not like that, of course. But business should not be put first. Or, more precisely, spiritual work must be put in first place.

The main thing is that there is no disagreement and there is peace in the family.

‒ It happens that one of the spouses prefers TV or a computer to communicating with the other spouse, with children, why does this happen?

- Usually this happens due to some problems (at work, with health, with children) or simply because of selfishness and dislike. Too lazy to communicate with your other half, with children, it’s easier and more interesting to watch TV, sit down at the computer. Sometimes they find an excuse - I’m tired.

There is no conscious sense of protest in this. A person thinks that he needs to be distracted, to forget. I seem to have a normal relationship with my spouse, but I’m too lazy - I’ll have to communicate and waste my inner strength. And on the computer it’s easy to find what interests you and what will entertain you.

This all happens because of dislike. Even in this case, people can slowly move away from each other. There seem to be no quarrels, but internally they are slowly drifting apart.

‒ What should the other half do, the one from whom they leave for the computer or phone?

- First of all, there is no need to be dramatic. After all, you can start making scandals and quarrels on this basis - and this will be even more grounds for alienation. Therefore, it is imperative to pray for your spouse. Establish a spiritual connection through prayer. Then you will stop separating your inner self (there will be no desire to “revenge”: oh, you’re on TV, then I’ll go chat with friends).

After all, prayer is not something that only affects the one who prays. It affects the world around us. “Prayer for them has a stronger effect on neighbors than a word to them,” these are the words of St. Ignatius Brianchaninov. We must remember what is said in the Gospel: “Have faith in God, for truly I say to you, if anyone says to this mountain, “Be taken up and thrown into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be for him no matter what.” will say.” (Mark 11:23). With your prayer you will already appeal to love and help another person, so that he responds and warms up to you, becomes more loving and attentive. This is a very important thing; you really need to start any business with it.

If a spouse, instead of communicating on a computer (or now a tablet), the phone with the Internet dies, perhaps this is a continuation of some previous situation of unsuccessful communication, maybe he previously tried to share with his other half, but she did not show interest.

That is, we need to think, if my husband/wife avoids communicating with me, maybe I myself have already tried to do a lot of things for our spiritual break, and now I’ve decided to communicate, and my other half is already more comfortable without me. We must start with ourselves, with a critical analysis of our behavior, and on our own part begin to build relationships.

And then, we often live by our own interests. We do what interests us, we only talk and think about it. We must not forget the words of the Apostle Paul: “Seek no one his own, but each one the benefit of another” (1 Cor. 10:24). It is necessary for the husband and wife to be interested in communicating with each other. Of course, there are professional aspects that the other may not know, but there must be some common interests, a field for conversation that will be interesting to both. At the same time, you need to demand from yourself, you need to learn to be interested in the life of your other half, and not expect this from him/her.

A wife, for example, should try to support her husband’s interests, although she may not even be interested in this, although she may have her own 101 problems.

Part 2

‒ We ended the conversation with the fact that a wife should be interested in her husband’s affairs, even if she is overloaded with the troubles of children and she no longer has the strength to be interested in anything else.

Often wives who are caring for small children greet their husbands with these words: “Here, I’m sitting at home, at least you go to work, now you sit, and I’ll go for a walk, at least I’ll have an outlet.” But the husband needs to be an outlet! We must live by his interests, be interested in him as a person!

A wife definitely needs to think about how I greet my husband from work? Maybe when he comes home, he wants to tell me something, and I cut him off - listen, I have my own problems here, the child is sick, go sit with the children or wash the dishes. For the sake of happiness in marriage, for the sake of God, you need to not behave this way, but learn to show attention and care. First, smile, feed, show your readiness to listen to your spouse. Most husbands will be happy to talk about their relationships with people, with their bosses. Every person has a need to speak out, to share what worries him.

Likewise, the husband - when his wife talks about her affairs, about her children, he, despite being tired after a day of work, must tense up and try to discuss with his wife everything that worries her, for Christ’s sake.

When both spouses do this, have the willingness and the mood to communicate with each other, then in their relationship, maybe not immediately, but at least gradually, a vector directed towards each other will emerge. They will become friends. Maybe, I repeat, not right away, because relationships take years to build.

Still, companionship in marriage is necessary. Then the spouses will be connected not only by the problems of children or the household, but they themselves as individuals will be interesting to each other.

When is there friendship? When people are interested in each other. When you only care about your own problems, friendship will not work. Mutual alienation will develop. We must remember that when we do not build relationships with each other, they inevitably, although unnoticed by us, are destroyed. Otherwise, as sometimes happens, they raised children and ran away, divorced. Why? They did not acquire love for each other.

Common deeds contribute to the acquisition of love and are an external form of its expression, but in themselves they do not replace love. You must love the person himself, both with prayer, and with deeds, and with all your soul. Otherwise, a person begins to be perceived only as a means. The common cause is over - the connection with the person has also ceased.

When a person loves, he, on the contrary, will look for common affairs, will look for something that would connect the two of them and where his love could manifest itself and strengthen.

If you don’t have enough love, but you set the goal of acquiring it, then common deeds are simply irreplaceable to achieve this goal.

‒ What if one of the spouses tries, but the response is still indifference, and this causes resentment?

- The one of the spouses who was offended should not, first of all, be offended. In response to dislike, you cannot show dislike. “But I say to you: do not resist evil. But whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other also to him” (Matthew 5:39). This is the principle of the Gospel. They are not interested in you, but you are. There will already be communication. Your problems are ignored, and you accept his problems as your own. There will already be a conversation. Some connection will remain. Even if it is supported by only one side. Sometimes such a situation is inevitable. At work, the husband is tired, there he controls himself, but at home he could not mobilize - after all, the man is not a saint, somewhere he will inevitably relax. The wife should start talking and tell her something interesting. Or just feel sorry: “My poor thing, you’re tired, lie down on the sofa.” The husband will appreciate it, he will feel warm and spiritually warm. He will lie down and lie down and want to talk to him, share.

- It happens that both spouses seem to want many children. But now there are two children, it’s difficult with them, in principle, the wife is ready for another pregnancy, but her husband’s doubts really bother her. She expects support, confidence, the words “yes, dear, we can handle it” - and she doesn’t get it.

- Of course, ideally we should always support each other in good ways. “By obedience to the truth through the Spirit, having purified your souls to unfeigned brotherly love, continually love one another with a pure heart” (1 Pet. 1:22).

The birth of a child is a common matter; the husband must support his wife in this Christian endeavor. He is saved by childbearing, just like his wife. It’s just that the husband is more involved in raising children not during their infancy, but when they get older. And most of all, his spiritual help will be needed when you need to talk with children in adolescence.

But it is necessary for both spouses to perceive childbearing as asceticism within the framework of an Orthodox family. That is, they perceived childbirth primarily as a spiritual activity, which is necessary for acquiring love through humility, for acquiring the Kingdom of Heaven. So that they have confidence that if God gives children to spouses, then this is necessary for the salvation of their souls. There must be mutual agreement on this issue. If someone alone does not decide to have children, then the other spouse needs to pray, you can try to explain your position. And you also need to think - why doesn’t the husband/wife want children? Or maybe the source of the problem is me? It happens that when a wife gives birth, she becomes like a fury, the husband has difficulty with her, and if the wife does not change for the better, then the husband may not change his attitude towards childbirth. On the other hand, you have to humble yourself, but you don’t have to rejoice if your spouse is against having children, saying that this relieves you of moral responsibility. After all, you must want to save your soul!

‒ It happens that spouses quarrel over their parents (someone’s parents don’t help at all, although their help is really needed, or they obsessively try to give advice on how young people should live, etc.). What do you recommend in such situations?

‒ There is no need to separate parents: your parent, my parent. After all, a family is a unity, which means you also have common parents. There is no need to separate yourself from your other half: these are not my parents and not my problems. You need to internally treat the parents of your other half as your own, call them “dad” and “mom” and try to feel that way. This follows from the essence of the Sacrament of Marriage. According to church canons, spiritual kinship is equated to blood kinship. The sacrament of marriage combines two people into a single spiritual organism. Of course, when a child gets married, parents no longer have to guide their children as much as before. Reasonable, believing parents will not do this. Parents must always remember the words of the Holy Scripture: “And he said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

- How should spouses react to the intrusive advice of their parents?

- With respect, with gratitude, even if this advice seems wrong to us. Because parents advise out of love for us. Even if it bothers us, it seems wrong, this is not a reason to quarrel or show disrespect. Perhaps this is a reason to repent of the sin of touchiness, impatience, and the fact that we lack Christian love. And such repentance can have great spiritual benefits. If you calm down and stop being offended, many problems will automatically go away. Many problems lie in our internal attitude towards them.

Having received such intrusive advice from parents, which is difficult to agree with, you need to discuss it with your spouse and think about it. You can consult a priest if you need an outside unbiased opinion. And after that, do as our conscience dictates, in the way that, in our understanding, will please God. Parents often give the right advice. They have more life experience. Only our pride and self-will prevent us from perceiving this correctly. We must humble ourselves by pleasing God. Even if the form in which our parents interact with us is intrusive and oppressive. You always need to ask yourself the question: “What if they are right after all?” After all, parents usually wish the best for their child. And God can give them useful advice for their love. True, here, in order to accept advice, a certain dispassion is required from a person. Therefore, we must pray that the Lord will enlighten us.

‒ It happens that a husband or wife cannot find a common language with their other half and, out of habit, if there are any problems, they seek support from their mother.

- It is not right. And a good mother in such a situation will push her child to “get away from her” and establish relationships with his other half, will be a peacemaker. She doesn't want her child to be unhappy in her marriage. But it also happens the other way around - for example, if the only son gets married, the mother may perceive it like this: “Oh, my son is not appreciated, they don’t cook porridge in the morning. Cursed be the hour when I allowed him to marry this aunt. It’s okay, we’ll find another one!” Only an unbeliever who does not believe in God’s Providence, perceiving the world through the prism of his egoism, can speak and behave this way. This is not Christian love for a child. Normal parents will try to save their child's marriage, even if it seems to them not entirely successful. What advice should I give to my wife (husband) if the mother of the other half behaves in a non-Christian manner and encourages discord in the family? May God give them patience and humility. Just don’t get into conflict with your mother-in-law (mother-in-law). It's useless. It will only get worse. Are you saying you love your other half? So love it! Just love a real person in a real life situation, and not your dream about him. Why does the husband run to his mother? Because he thinks that she loves and understands him. So we need to give him love and understanding on our part. Just without whispering how good I am and how bad she is. True love is always attractive. “Therefore they will know that you are my disciples if you have love one another” (John 13:39). These words of the Lord fully apply to the family. Moreover, without the implementation of these words, the family simply cannot exist.

Interviewed by Natalya Maltseva

Develop personal space

Often the harmful habit of invading a spouse’s personal space develops among those partners who are not used to having something of their own. Therefore, in order to get rid of it, it is necessary to develop your own private life, separate from your spouse. It may seem paradoxical, but working on yourself, developing your personality, creating your own space (this could be a hobby or hobby) will only benefit the family. Therefore, the answer to the question of how to make a marriage happy, for many couples, will be to search for themselves, to develop their personal boundaries.

If a person gets married, this does not mean that he should devote himself wholeheartedly and completely to his family. It is necessary to continue to develop. This does not mean that partners will stop communicating with each other. You just need to devote time to self-development - read books, go to the gym, engage in hobbies.

How to learn to be a happy woman in marriage. How can a woman be happy in marriage?

How can a woman be happy in marriage?
Every girl dreams of getting married one day and living happily in marriage throughout her life. Knowing some of the secrets of family happiness, you can catch the firebird and not let it go for the rest of your life. Your chosen one simply will not want to part with you, because harmony in a relationship is very important for every spouse. But if a crack appears in the everyday bustle of the family, the situation can still be changed for loving people. To do this, you need to try to understand and implement the recommendations of psychologists who defend entire dissertations on family psychology. 1. Forget that a man can be radically changed. It is very important for him to remain himself, to show some weaknesses, laziness, and show a bad mood. Take the man as he is, you once chose him.

2. Believe in the strength and capabilities of your man. Do not let him doubt his present and future achievements. Friendly support should come from you in any of his endeavors.

3. A woman is obliged to show respect to a man and then he will appreciate and respect her.

4. Express gratitude. This will contribute to the manifestation of care and attention on the part of the spouse; he will definitely want to do good deeds again and present pleasant surprises.

5 . A man needs to hear sincere words of love from his woman; tell him more often that he is the best. The spouse will feel confident and comfortable in the family.

6. Don’t forget about intimacy and quality sex. For this question is often of paramount importance.

7. A man to whom you sincerely show affection and care tries to be softer and more flexible. Believe me, reciprocity will not take long to arrive and your spouse will never offend you.

8 . The positivity, lightness, and positive attitude of a woman reigning in the house have a beneficial effect on a man. The spouse will always fly on wings to a cozy family nest.

9 . A man, like a woman, needs to be given his own personal space so that he can sometimes meet with friends and be alone. You shouldn’t constantly ask him unnecessary questions and torment him with jealousy.

10. Don’t try to compare your family relationships with the relationships of a more successful and happy couple. It is only from afar that it seems that someone lives better than you. Each family actually has its own problems and they must be solved mutually.

Have a common cause

To prevent everyday life that everyone knows from ruining your happiness, you need to find a common hobby. It doesn't have to be something big and complicated. You can start with little things like watching a TV series together, dinner, decorating an apartment. The main thing is the process itself. You can get a lot of pleasure from it, because the joint process brings you closer together. One of the main secrets of a happy marriage is a common cause. Those spouses who are united by common interests are much more likely to live a long and harmonious family life.

An important aspect of this is making joint decisions. Psychologists do not recommend trying to show your superiority over your partner by solving all problems alone. You should also be able to find a common language when difficulties arise. And they are inevitable in cases where spouses begin to run a common business, raise children together, or work on some other joint project. In a happy family, husband and wife do not try to blame each other, but solve problems together.

Ability to make peace in time

The happiest marriages are not those in which the husband and wife never argue; These are the ones in which they know how to go to peace on time. Quarrels are a normal occurrence in any communication. If this happens, you should constructively resolve the problem together. You should not stoop to shouting, insults and breaking dishes.

This clearly will not benefit family relationships. If your loved one has offended you, you must be able to forgive. There is no need to hold a grudge. At the same time, it is extremely important to prevent the escalation of the conflict. Every person who has experience in family life knows: even a small disagreement can lead to a serious quarrel if the conflict is not stopped in time. And the consequences of such a quarrel can be very difficult to eliminate.

Full intimate life

The key to a healthy relationship and one of the most important components of a happy marriage is sex. And you shouldn’t think that when you get married, it should become less. Two loving people should have their own sex life. Otherwise, they risk becoming just friends and not husband and wife. If any problems arise, you should share them with your partner or contact a specialist.

Some time after the coveted stamp appears in the passport, the spouses seem to erase the memory of what passion they recently united. Very soon, life together comes down to running a household, making timely mortgage payments, raising children, and communicating with relatives. But many psychologists, not without reason, argue: without a full intimate life, marriage is actually “fictitious.”

If both spouses are physically and mentally healthy, unless we are talking about pregnancy and the recovery period after childbirth, the lack of physical intimacy should be an alarm bell. Therefore, if a husband or wife feels a lack of intimacy, it is imperative to discuss this point with the partner. There is no need to guess about what a happy marriage is - with a rich sex life or not. Everyone has their own understanding of how much intimacy suits both. But in any case, it is necessary to negotiate and, as in other areas, not accumulate negativity and be able to find a compromise.

Appearance

After an official marriage is concluded, many women prefer to spend their energy on everyday life, career, satisfying their husband’s needs - anything, but not on appearance. Meanwhile, men in a happy marriage are, first of all, those who feel themselves, even in a family union, as true representatives of the stronger sex, next to whom are their beautiful ladies.

If a woman stops taking care of herself, then no matter how deplorable it may be, over time she becomes just another piece of furniture for her husband. The fact is that a man’s physical attraction depends precisely on the visual picture that he observes in front of him. If a girl becomes unkempt and disheveled, there will be no sensual attraction. In addition, every man is pleased to show his friends or relatives an attractive, beautiful wife, and not a lady exhausted by everyday life.

But this rule applies not only to women. It is equally important for men to keep themselves in good athletic shape and take care of their health. Of course, many marriages break up due to the fact that the woman stops taking care of herself, and the man “accidentally” falls in love with a more attractive lady. But there are no less similar cases when a woman loses attraction to a man - they just talk about it much less often. Therefore, those husbands who want to remain one and only for their beloved should also not allow the appearance of a beer belly or the accumulation of excess fat mass in general.

How a woman can learn to love and respect herself. What are the signs of lack of self-respect?

Self-esteem is a variable value. It depends on the situations and environment. There are people who are calm and positive with close people, but withdrawn and shy with strangers. Others, on the contrary, are confident, active and optimistic outside the home, but at home they get lost and seem to fade away. We are all different. Not everyone knows how to maintain a balanced state of mind under stress and difficulties. Adequate self-esteem and self-confidence are formed in childhood. However, this does not mean that it is impossible to form it in adulthood. It just requires at least the desire of the person himself.

Sometimes it seems that a person is quite confident in himself, optimistic and positive. But in fact, such a person can constantly be in a state of struggle with himself, with his phobias and complexes. Therefore, low self-esteem manifests itself differently in different people. To understand how to learn to value and respect yourself, you need to conduct a self-analysis of the causes and signs of low self-esteem:

• feelings of guilt – frequent and unreasonable;
• auto-aggression;
• incessant self-criticism;
• tightness and shyness;
• phobias and fears of various types (for example, when speaking in public).

People with established low self-esteem, as a rule, perceive the world as something hostile, and feel themselves in the role of a victim. They feel fear and reluctance to express and defend their rights, refuse new experiences, miss opportunities and feel completely helpless and unadapted to life. All this only worsens the condition, and the person moves in a vicious circle, constantly feeling shame and fear.

Sometimes persistent low self-esteem itself is one of the important symptoms of a mental disorder (depression, borderline personality disorder).

Gratitude

In marriage, it is extremely important to maintain the ability to be grateful for what the other half does. Both women and men often make a common mistake - they begin to take the positive actions of their partner for granted. The wife stops thanking her husband for help around the house. She takes for granted the fact that he fixed the tap when he came home tired after work. Sometimes husbands sin in similar ways. The wife spends the entire evening at the stove, preparing dinner, and all she receives as gratitude is a casually thrown “thank you.”

Every person wants to feel special, and therefore happy love in marriage is simply unthinkable without the ability to thank each other. Moreover, this must be done with all your heart - praise and gratitude must be sincere. Flattery is also unlikely to please anyone.

Psychological separation from parents

How often does it happen that the phrase “I want to be happy in marriage” is uttered by a person who has not yet internally separated from his parents. Outwardly, he is a full-fledged, adult individual, but if you dig deeper and consider the spiritual world of such a person, she is still extremely attached to her parents. And this cannot but affect the level of marital satisfaction.

Many families break up precisely because the husband or wife allows relatives to interfere in their union. If a person has not separated psychologically from his father and mother, he is not able to make his own decisions. Deep down, he expects that a wise and kind parent will tell him how to act in a difficult life situation. But in marriage, decisions should be made by two adults - husband and wife, and not by a family council.

Bride at any cost

First you need to figure out why women want to get married. Everyone, of course, wants great and bright love, but for many, the very fact of marriage is simply important.

1. Stereotypes. If you didn’t get married before a certain age, it means you’re an “old maid,” your parents put pressure on you, your relatives pester you with questions.
2. Herd instinct. All my friends are married - I need it too.
3. The child must have a father. A full-fledged family at any cost, even if there is an internal understanding that what is happening is a mistake, just a coincidence.
4. It's easier with two people. Pulling the burden of life together is twice as easy, responsibilities and expenses are divided in half, but being with a person of convenience will become more and more difficult every day.

Now you should honestly answer the question of why you married this particular person. If according to one of the above, then perhaps this is simply not your person, because it turns out that anyone could be in his place.

Another question is if the choice was a conscious one, you wanted to connect your life with this particular man, but at some point something went wrong. In this case, you can rephrase the question a little and understand how to continue to be happy in your marriage every day.

Ability to take care of your own mental health

A happy marriage, a beloved husband is the dream of every young girl. It would seem, what psychological difficulties might young and cheerful ladies have? But when they get married, it turns out that they are more than enough. This may be a lack of independence, depressive or anxiety states, aggressiveness, an inferiority complex, jealousy and many other psychological difficulties.

In order not to turn the life of your spouse, and at the same time your own, into one continuous nightmare, each of the participants in the family union needs to learn to take care of their own psychological health. After all, the more neurotic disorders a person has (usually called “cockroaches in the head”), the more difficult it is for him to live with other people.

Don't be afraid to have frank conversations

Self-isolation is often destructive to marital relationships. It is extremely important to maintain harmony to gain courage and discuss with your partner what causes rejection in your marriage. Those situations that offend also need to be brought up for discussion. After all, if a person lives in chronic stress, then over time this results in psychosomatics - some organ begins to hurt. Or another scenario for the development of events is possible. A person sooner or later releases tension, and his rage becomes destructive to the marriage.

Husbands and wives who are lucky to have each other need to be able to appreciate what they have. The happy years of marriage are not the first few years after the wedding. Every couple can experience satisfaction from their family life at any stage - both five to ten years after the conclusion of the union, and much later. A happy family is not as difficult as it seems. You don’t need to make any supernatural efforts for this, and the result will delight you for the rest of your life.

Stay the same person you were when you met.

At the beginning of a relationship, we are all amazing, attractive and do thousands of things to show our partner our best qualities. After some time, we begin to understand what kind of person is really next to us, what his shortcomings are, how he behaves in various situations. It is natural that a mature relationship develops into marriage.

But after the wedding, some people calm down and do not consider it necessary to try to please their loved one. Suddenly feel that most of the time the house may look unkempt, rude and grumpy. Of course, it is difficult to keep the body and face the same as in youth: age and gravity are merciless. However, there is a lot you can do to stay in good physical, mental, moral and emotional health. A good marriage is a perpetual movement.