Teenage falling in love is not uncommon. It becomes a real test for both the lover and his parents. For teenagers - due to their inexperience, and for parents - due to surprise. It seems to many adults that just yesterday their “kids” were playing with dolls and cars, but today they have completely different games and fun. Both sides are in a state of real confusion. In this article we will look at the characteristics of teenage relationships and the most common mistakes parents make.
Teenage love
Young people are not always ready to share their love experiences with their parents. You can find out that Cupid has captivated a young heart by the following signs:
- From a fan of computer games, he suddenly turned into a connoisseur of walking in the fresh air. Partial interrogation and prohibitions from parents will contribute to a loss of trust. It is necessary to announce to the rebel in love the time limits of his dates.
- If, while communicating on the phone, a child constantly strives for privacy, this indicates that he has an object of desire.
- Close attention to your appearance, hairstyle and wardrobe, the desire to look bright, stylish, and fashionable can be indirect signs of sympathy.
- A teenager's request to increase his allowance should alert parents. Money may be needed not only for dates, but also if he seeks to declare his “adulthood” with the help of harmful inclinations: smoking and alcohol.
- Contraceptives found by parents in a teenager should not provoke a hysterical reaction. This will only create a barrier in the relationship that will be very difficult to overcome.
In adolescence, physical development does not correspond at all to mental and social development. It may seem that outwardly young people are already ready for mature feelings and their development, but in fact this is not the case. They don't realize that to build a relationship, you need to learn to control your instincts. Love should not be like an uncontrollable element that breaks everything in its path.
Parents need to convey the idea to their children that physical intimacy is a consequence of harmonious relationships between lovers, their new round. A necessary condition for sex is the moral and psychological maturity of young people, which consists of a number of aspects. The first of them is the ability and willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences, for a loved one. Teenagers are not able to take on such responsibility, if only because they are financially dependent on their parents.
Unfortunately, in modern society, where the media is engaged in the promotion of sex, early sexual intercourse is far from uncommon. Sexual freedom is associated with sexual permissiveness. In order to justify promiscuity, young people tend to equate love and sex. The task of parents is to prevent the replacement of true values with false ones. This is the only opportunity to form a correct idea of love among teenagers.
Spring love aggravation
At school age, falling in love is a massive, rapidly spreading phenomenon. Especially often the wave of love rises in the spring. If a boy and a girl appear in the class, seriously passionate about each other, then you will soon find that there are more and more couples in love.
This happens not so much because the time has come and feelings have awakened. This is just how you can rise in the eyes of your classmates (and in your own eyes), feel more significant, and catch the envious glances of girlfriends or boyfriends who have not yet had this. But this usually has little relation to real love experiences.
Psychology of Adolescents
Adolescence is characterized by significant physical changes in the body. An increase in hormonal activity is manifested in the formation of secondary sexual characteristics and features of the nervous system: excitation processes predominate over inhibition. This explains the emotional outbursts, imbalance and conflict of adolescents. Going through the stage of personal growth, boys and girls strive for autonomy. At the same time, they are not alien to the desire to become a member of any social group whose interests they share.
There are many contradictions at this age: a combination of isolation and sociability, cynicism and daydreaming, arrogance and shyness. Bipolarity of the psyche manifests itself in all its glory and in some cases becomes the cause of serious mental disorders, which begin much more often during this period of human life than at others.
The teenager realizes that he differs little from adults, although at the same time he must obey them in everything. He tries in every possible way to demonstrate his maturity: in clothes, manner of communication, actions, bad habits such as smoking and drinking alcohol, early sexual intercourse.
The conflict between fathers and children keeps both of them in constant tension. On the one hand, striving for independence, the teenager rebels against the advice and opinions of adults, their desire to limit his freedom. On the other hand, the opinion of his parents still remains very important to him. It is no coincidence that in his search for his own identity and role model in society, he chooses what is familiar to him from childhood, most often copying the models of his parents. Therefore, the example of “fathers” is a very important factor in the formation of a child’s personality.
All teenagers go through puberty. Gender psychological differences explain its characteristics in girls and boys. So, for the former, this process begins earlier. Girls need psychological intimacy, a response to which they often find in older boys. Erotic overtones are not as important for them as for young people.
Although puberty in young men occurs a little later, it manifests itself more rapidly. Hypersexuality is a consequence of their psychophysiological characteristics of increased sexual excitability.
Early puberty ends quickly in young men. The late stage is characterized by a protracted and sluggish course.
Desire for freedom
Recommendations for parents of teenagers mainly boil down to stopping patronizing their child in every possible way. This behavior literally drives the child into a rage: he no longer wants to feel small and have important decisions made for him.
The desire for freedom is so strong that a teenager is ready to go into open conflict just to learn to defend his own position. In fact, this is the only way to develop your point of view on any issue. After all, if you always strive to meet the expectations of others in everything, it will be very difficult to achieve your own goal.
Teenage relationships
First love is a wonderful feeling. However, due to the fact that teenagers have no experience, they make numerous mistakes in relationships that can be easily avoided. Psychologists give numerous advice on this issue:
- In the first days of dating, you need to learn as much as possible about each other so that a wave of disappointment does not overwhelm the teenager at the most inopportune moment - when the relationship is already in full swing. Parting at the peak of affection will bring severe pain and bitterness of disappointment.
- You should remember about yourself and your interests, and not dissolve in the object of passion. If a young man is into hard rock or football, this does not mean that a girl should give up her favorite dancing in order to share his hobbies with him.
- Maintain the boundaries of your personal space without devoting all your free time to the object of your desire. Don’t forget about the other side of the coin - don’t be intrusive, don’t try to control every step of your partner.
- We must not forget about plans for the future. Feelings of love should not negatively affect your performance at school. If a partner demands attention and does not want to take into account the interests of his other half, it is hardly worth continuing communication with such a selfish person.
- The decision to engage in sexual intercourse must be balanced and deliberate. You should not be led by passion, so as not to regret it in the future. If a partner insists and is not ready to wait, perhaps he is only interested in sex, and there is no talk of love here. If the decision is made, do not forget about its possible negative consequences - accidental pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Use contraceptives.
- In case of problems and failures on the personal front, you should not withdraw into yourself. Communication with friends, creative activities, sports, and hobbies will help you get rid of gloomy thoughts. The support of your family should not be neglected. It is possible that the rich baggage of their life experience will provide answers to complex questions.
The need to defend one's opinion
It is laid down by nature itself. Without this, it is impossible to grow up and feel like a truly significant person. If a teenager cannot learn to defend his own position in due time, he will begin to do this later - in adolescence. There are often cases when a young man or girl, entering early adulthood, still has not resolved their childhood problems. And then everyone had to suffer: themselves, the potential second half and the entire immediate environment. Personal dissatisfaction necessarily affects the ability to get along with people and provokes conflicts at work. Family life often doesn’t work out either.
Features of teenage love 12-16 years old
Psychologists say that love between a man and a woman has three levels: physical, emotional and spiritual. In an adult lover they merge into one. In adolescence, things are a little different. Physiological needs and feelings are disconnected.
- Both boys and girls can experience sublime feelings for one person, but at the same time enter into an intimate relationship with another, without particularly thinking about the fact that they are acting, to put it mildly, dishonestly in relation to the object of their adoration.
- Teenagers often treat sexual intercourse very frivolously and are prone to frequent changes of partners.
According to statistics, two-thirds of high school students manage to change from three to five sexual partners by the time they graduate from school. Most of them are well informed about contraception, but this does not eliminate the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.
- First love does not yet fully understand what the criteria for choosing an object of sympathy should be. And since these criteria change, new loves arise along with them.
- A teenager is capable of falling in love many times over the course of one month, and each time it will seem to him that this will last a lifetime. Increased hormonal levels make him react sharply to any difficulties in relationships. Emotionality, impulsiveness, thoughtlessness of actions are integral components of love among 14-year-old teenagers.
A feature of this age is that the center of the child’s physical and spiritual life moves from home to the environment of peers and adults. Communication with society becomes his main activity. He prefers to share his emotional experiences not with loved ones and family, but with friends and peers. This is how the psychology of teenagers explains their desire to spend as much time as possible outside the walls of their home.
Questions of love worry young people long before this feeling comes to them. Its attractiveness lies not only in the unknown and novelty, but also in the fact that it provides an opportunity for self-affirmation among peers, arousing their envy, admiration and respect. Unfortunately, it is not always real. Sometimes a teenager can fake falling in love because it benefits him.
There is a lot of fantasy in youthful love: the loved one is always idealized, he has no flaws. Often love cannot be differentiated from sympathy, affection and attraction. She is cut off from life, does not look into the future, resembles an interesting game, because her goal cannot be to create strong and long-term relationships. She is fragile, vulnerable, naive, stupid, but still beautiful.
How to Set Boundaries
Boundaries are the basis of human relationships. No boundaries - there will be no maturity, security and personal growth for either your teenager or yourself. Creating boundaries and maintaining their integrity is not an easy task, but if you follow the rules for developing them, the result will not be long in coming.
First of all, this is the limit for returning home : at 22:00, or, if he is at a girl’s house, at 22:30. It is because of the “curfew” that the main battles with the teenager flare up. In this war, you need to stand firm: the teenager, although he opposes your rules, will be grateful to you, even if he never expresses this gratitude out loud. For him, the feeling of control and guardianship has not only practical, but also psychological significance: he feels the stability of his life, its reliability, feels the firmness of his parents, feels that they are ready to bear responsibility for him. Yes, he protests, he resists, he threatens not to go to school - remain firm and calm (even if visible!), do not raise your voice.
Your son needs to refuse temptations, as a rule, alcohol and drugs, which are offered to him by the yard company. At the same time, he strives to remain part of the company of his peers, not to be a “black sheep” in it. The restrictions and boundaries that you create for him are an excellent excuse, as teenagers say, an “excuse” in order to avoid questionable actions, blaming everything on the “ancestors” who demand to return home at 22.00, and sober, without bad breath. and cloudy eyes. It is easier for a teenager to resist temptations if there is an opportunity to shift responsibility for their refusal to their parents.
Parents' mistakes
Advice for the older generation:
- Don't be afraid of losing your authority. Even if your child constantly argues with you and provokes conflict, this does not mean that he does not love you. Change the mentor's tone to friendly participation, give the opportunity to show independence, and he will repay you with warmth and respect.
- Conversations about sex education should be one of the topics of your confidential communication. Feel free to talk about sex and physical development. It will be better if he learns about the possible negative consequences of early sexual intercourse from you, and not in the gateway of the house where you live, or from the pages of Internet resources for adults, where sex is presented as something mandatory for happiness and strong relationships.
- Do not build communication in the form of interrogation. Tell your child about your first love, your feelings and experiences. Be honest, this will gain his trust.
- Parents should know the guys who are part of the teenager's closest social circle. Invite them into your home more often to understand who your child is friends with. It’s definitely worth getting to know your child’s chosen one. Don't exaggerate the situation and don't throw a family viewing or dinner party. Try to be friendly and open.
- Teenagers are very sensitive to criticism of their friends and lovers, so parental condemnation of their choices can hurt and have a negative impact on relationships with adults. Categorical statements can cause a desire to do things out of spite. Do not provoke a teenager to defend his decision in this way. He should know about your doubts, but this should be done not in a raised tone, without insults and reproaches.
- He should feel the understanding and support of his parents. Somewhere you can listen, somewhere you can help with advice, distract or redirect his attention by offering an interesting activity or leisure time together. The main thing is not to laugh at a teenager’s falling in love, not to judge, but to take it seriously.
Girls: turn up your nose and pretend
Girls, as a rule, understand everything perfectly. They seem to know in advance: if a boy stares sternly at her, takes away her bag and runs away laughing, it’s a no brainer that he’s fallen in love. And girls, to whom boys do not pay attention even in such a rude manner, feel deprived and offended. Often they try to draw attention to themselves and provoke the guys to respond.
Here's another paradox: a girl who is being pestered by a young suitor demonstrates her attention - by ignoring her! Turning her back to him, she shows that she understands everything, strengthens his feelings and gives him hope for the continuation of this strange game. But at the same time, he avoids communication, because none of the children is yet clear how to behave and what to talk about in a situation of falling in love.
Sometimes girls are not inferior to boys in active attempts to please. They laugh loudly next to the boy and demonstrate their fighting nature; they can tease and tease the boy, especially when teaming up with their friends. More timid girls try to attract attention with a mysterious appearance, a new hairstyle or clothes, as if by chance they find themselves nearby during extracurricular activities.
Refusal of criticism
Very often, most parents make the same mistake - they try to reason with their children using harsh expressions. Of course, it is necessary to warn against mistakes, but this must be done extremely carefully, trying not to harm the individual in any way. Teenagers and parents often do not get along, this is not surprising. It is necessary to abandon criticism in order to be able to properly build relationships in the future and take them to another level.
When we speak poorly of a child's interests, do not accept his friends or way of looking at the world, then in some way we infringe on him. Sometimes the behavior of a teenager’s parents directly determines the happiness of their child. It’s better to remain silent about something once again in order to try not to hurt or offend your son or daughter.
Establishing Trust
The adolescent-parent relationship may undergo significant changes over time. In some periods there will be an increase in mutual understanding. At other times, on the contrary, anxiety and suspicion will begin to increase. This is because the inner world of a boy or girl is extremely unstable. They are really worried about the changes that are happening, they can spend hours immersed in anxious thoughts. Rarely does a teenager have self-confidence. That's why you shouldn't rush to impose your opinion on him.
Common interests
The relationship between a teenager and parents largely depends on the wisdom of the latter. If adults can become their children's best friends and provide some support, then the child will always share his thoughts and reflections with them. It is very important to try to emphasize your concern and genuine desire to help in everything. When there are common interests, certain discoveries can be made. Only in this case will the teenager try to share his experiences. When you do things together, it brings you incredibly closer and creates a feeling that you care about your immediate circle.
Feeling of adulthood
The need for recognition of one's uniqueness comes first for a teenager. It seems to him that he knows everything and therefore must act independently, without asking the advice of his elders. At the age of 14-16, few people think about the consequences of their actions.
A sense of adulthood helps to form adequate self-esteem, decide on your immediate goals, and start working for the future. With the right approach, you can build self-confidence and help your child become independent.
