Relationships without quarrels are extremely rare. According to statistics, the greatest number of quarrels occur in the first 3 years of a relationship, as well as in the first year after starting life together. During this period, lovers show their true character and learn to get used to each other. After passing the crisis stage, the union of a man and a woman is transformed and moves to a qualitatively new level. In this article we will talk about the reasons for quarrels in relationships and how to behave correctly during a conflict.
Why do couples fight?
At the beginning of a relationship, a man and a woman get used to each other, learn habits and preferences. They are in the stage of falling in love when everything around them seems beautiful and romantic. When spouses begin to live together, everyday affairs and worries arise that bring them down to earth and take off their rose-colored glasses. The candy-bouquet period ends, a turning point comes - a crisis, during which a reassessment of values occurs. At this stage, partners may not be able to withstand the problems that arise; they quarrel or even break up.
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Constant loud quarrels with my husband depress the nervous system, leading to depression, insomnia and decreased performance. The fact is that neither partner wants to make concessions. They respond in kind to aggression, screaming, anger and swearing. With this, the husband and wife are trying to prove that they are right. After a while, emotions subside, the cause of the scandal is forgotten, the lovers become ashamed or it is unclear why the conflict occurred.
Outbursts of rage are provoked by stress, chronic fatigue, and illness. This can happen even to the most calm and peaceful person. If a spouse wants to relax after work, go to bed earlier, and his wife drags him to a party, a quarrel may occur.
We argue with our husband every day if we transfer our parents’ attitudes into our family and copy their behavior. This also applies to men. This behavior was the norm when the guy and girl each lived with their parents. They saw the relationship between mother and father, which became an example for them.
Frequent scandals between husband and wife can occur when one falls under the hot hand of the other. For example, a husband may be rude in the parking lot or reprimanded at work, and because of this nonsense he will take his anger out on his wife. The wife has nothing to do with it, it hurts her, she shows retaliatory aggression over little things. Other reasons for quarrels may be financial problems, low self-esteem, inability to compromise, difficult character, etc.
You will become a better person
You learn to focus on what matters most. The fact that your significant other is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. This is how you become more patient, understanding and caring, and learn to truly love.
When you're in the middle of a fight, you're clearly not having fun. You feel disgusting. In a way, quarrels are like sports training. Isn't it always nice to sweat at the gym? No. But this is how you improve your weak points.
Greg Godek
To quarrel is to forge a sword of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.
Serious reasons for quarrels
When both spouses love each other, small problems are resolved quickly and easily. If there is a sincere desire to preserve the family and good relationships, they learn to interact and manage conflicts.
But there are also more serious reasons for quarrels that complicate life and the search for a way out of the situation:
- alcoholism;
- gaming addiction;
- betrayal;
- differences in educational methods.
Alcohol inhibits the activity of the cerebral cortex. Under its influence, attention is disrupted, self-control is lost, feelings of resentment and aggressiveness increase, and this leads to rash actions. A person loses the ability to sensibly assess what is happening. For example, a drunken spouse may become enraged because of a remark received from his wife about a minor matter: he left a stain or made crumbs on the table.
Conflicts in the family are inevitable if the husband runs to the computer after work instead of talking with his wife, playing with the children, visiting or receiving guests. The opposite situation also happens: the wife is constantly in conflict, there are problems at work, the husband finds a way to get rid of aggression - plays games on the computer.
Cheating on a partner leads to scandal because it is a betrayal and a blow to self-esteem. Inconsistency between spouses' approaches to parenting negatively affects the child. Mom forbids eating candy before meals, dad allows it. The wife begins to quarrel with her husband, accusing him of not supporting her. He doesn't like that his wife nags him. A conflict arises.
Third road. You want different things
He wants children, she doesn't. He wants sex at night, she wants sex in the morning. He wants a motorcycle, she wants a new apartment. Our interests sometimes contradict each other - this is natural. We are different!
People are often afraid of this: “If we don’t want the same thing, we’re not on the same path, we’re not suitable for each other!” But a conflict of interests in itself does not make us enemies. But the way we resolve conflicts of interest either brings the couple together or separates them.
How to avoid this road?
- Give up the desire to win. And in general, give up the war in relationships, the desire to prove, “bend in”, and convince. You are not on the battlefield, you are the closest people to each other.
- Be prepared to hear the other person. For example, why doesn’t he want a child in the family? What is he afraid of?
- The life of your couple is your common task. You both want to be happy. And it is necessary to divide areas of responsibility, to establish a balance between “taking” and “giving”. You invest yours, your partner contributes his.
It is necessary to clarify and agree, to find the balance that is right for your couple. For example, in a traditional family: “If you are responsible for making money, then I will provide comfort.”
Rules of conduct during a scandal
Even in conflicts, it is necessary to adhere to the rules. You should never quarrel in front of strangers. If friends or relatives get involved in the showdown, the aggression between husband and wife will only intensify. There is a high probability that the spouses will make peace, and strangers will remain to blame for their quarrel, so we quarrel with the husband in private.
An effective technique is to remain silent. If one of the spouses starts an aggressive monologue, let him finish it. It is better to avoid mutual reproaches, retaliatory rage and not succumb to provocations.
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Waiting time4
In some cases, it is enough to withstand an hour or two, and in more severe scandals, it may be worth remaining silent for a week. Longing and tender feelings for a partner will make it clear how stupid and frivolous the disagreement was, which forced loving people to move away.
The guy will have time to realize his own and other people’s mistakes, cool down, feel the desire to meet and conduct a dialogue. The girl needs to wait a certain time and not call, no matter how strong the desire to hear her native voice. If guilt haunts you, it is acceptable to send a message of apology. An angry man will calm down and be able to soberly evaluate what he read.
Reconciliation with your spouse
If a scandal still cannot be avoided, you need to wait until the emotions subside, and only then begin to improve the relationship. During a lull, each spouse comprehends what happened and begins negotiations prepared.
Taking the first step is difficult, especially for men. They believe that this is unworthy of them, so it is usually the woman who begins the reconciliation. But if she alone is to blame, then she even more needs to start a dialogue herself.
If a man has no desire to enter into a showdown, it is necessary to postpone the conversation. By starting to put pressure on him, you can provoke a scandal with even greater force. Having realized that your spouse has calmed down and is ready for dialogue, it is recommended to speak to him as many kind words as possible, gently touch his body, stroke and kiss him. Such actions will relieve tension and set you up for friendly communication.
If your spouse is silent and avoids making contact for several days or weeks, you can arrange a surprise for him. To do this, you can remember all his hobbies, think about what he definitely can’t resist, and implement them. The first thing that comes to mind is the idea of entertaining him with hot sex in bed, wearing new underwear. However, this method is unsuccessful. The spouse will agree to a new experiment, but after sex the anger will return.
A romantic dinner would be a good surprise for reconciliation. You can choose any place, turn on calm music. A declaration of love, regret about the scandal that occurred and the desire to fix everything and forget will affect a man.
Subsequently, you need to be more often interested in the affairs and mood of your spouse. Perhaps something is bothering him and he needs attention and support. It is more pleasant for him to hear words of love instead of reproaches about unwashed dishes.
Rule No. 6: if the man is at fault, assess the damage received and ask for compensation
If the man was still wrong and has already admitted his mistakes, experts advise not to be shy about asking for compensation for the suffering or inconvenience caused to you.
“For the first time, there is no need to forgive anything and say: “Come on, everything is fine, my love!”, because the situation caused the woman discomfort. It is important to explain to the man once what the problem is and clearly indicate that you do not like this attitude towards yourself. The best way to demonstrate this is to talk to a man: “This made me uncomfortable and damaged my nervous system and health, and I don’t like to be nervous. Therefore, to atone for your guilt, buy me such and such a thing. Then I will forgive you, but I will no longer tolerate such antics directed at me. I respect others, but I demand the same from myself in relationships.”
And tell (just tell, not ask) the man to buy you something that will be adequately commensurate with the damage caused to you. Not a dish sponge or frying pan. Not a carnation or a single rose. Not a chocolate bar or a diet bar. And something significant that will make a man regret what he did and work hard to atone for his guilt,” says Anastasia Stepanenko.
Reasons for constant quarrels with your husband
Constant quarrels in the family can arise due to a break in the partner’s character. This happens when some trait is no longer suitable in a loved one, and a rework begins. He resists and an argument ensues.
At the stage of falling in love, many things seem not particularly important for partners. Over time, problems arise, including financial ones. At first there was enough money, but the priorities were different. Later, desires change, you want something new: the sea, a fur coat, an expensive phone, a car. There may be accusations of big expenses or little earnings.
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Problems in the family arise not only because of self-doubt. Pride and high self-esteem also spoil relationships. It is not difficult to understand why quarrels arise; one of the partners simply considers himself better and more worthy than the other. Until a person begins to work on himself, it is difficult to get rid of conflicts in this area.
Quarrels over intimate issues occur with my husband all the time due to mismatched needs. Some people need to have sex more often, others less often. The same preferences and willingness to seek a compromise can weaken the growing anger.
Domestic quarrels often occur. The wife gets tired at work, then comes home and spends the rest of the day in the kitchen. At this time, the husband is lying on the sofa, watching football, reading the newspaper instead of helping his wife. When we women have too many things to do and responsibilities, we don’t have time to take care of ourselves, our hobbies, or even communicate with our children, we constantly quarrel with our husbands about this. Accumulated fatigue can provoke a scandal.
If your husband left because of scandals: what to do
When we argue with our husband every day, especially over trifles, the husband may leave the house. If he doesn't have a mistress, then there is a chance to get him back, you need to know what to do. This will help:
- talk;
- awareness of the cause of the conflict;
- an offer to start over;
- keeping promises.
First, you need to invite the man to meet and discuss the conflict and his wife’s actions. The request for a meeting should be made in a calm, friendly tone, without threats or blackmail. At the meeting, the reason for the quarrel is discussed. It is better for a woman to admit that she is aware of her mistake. This should be done in a friendly manner.
After an offer to start the relationship again, promising to be better, more adequate, you should stick to your promises. It will be difficult, but if you have a strong desire to return your husband and maintain a warm relationship, you will have to make an effort.
The departure of her husband should become a reason for a woman to think about her character and reconsider her own actions and behavior. When it is difficult to solve a problem on your own and understand yourself, you can turn to a psychologist.
Necessary pause3
Before properly making peace with a guy, a girl must take an appropriate pause. They both lost their temper, said too much and need to “calm the storm.” Some respite and mutual silence will allow partners to think about what was said and heard.
At a distance from each other, they will first analyze the mistakes and behavior of the other half, then their own mistakes. A pause is necessary for some reassessment of the relationship. She makes it clear what the girl and the guy were wrong about, what words were said in the heat of the moment, what should not have been said at all.
Psychologist's advice
To reduce the number of family quarrels, psychologists advise to look into and understand why they arise and for what reason. You definitely need to learn to listen and hear what your opponent says, as well as respond to him. It is important to discuss problems and grievances.
You should talk with your husband not only when the conflict is discussed, but also on any other topics. To do this, you need to make efforts and expand your horizons.
At the moment of an outburst of rage, the advice of a psychologist recommends counting to ten. During this time, you can become aware of your anger and prevent uttering hurtful words. You should also learn to relax: do yoga, meditation. Harmonious women in a state of peace are able to extinguish their husband’s rage.
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Family quarrels occur for many reasons - serious and minor. Knowing how to behave during conflict can help you avoid serious relationship disruptions. In order to preserve love and marriage, both partners must work on themselves.
“Baton on baton” technique
The psychologist said that words can be compared to a weapon, the same club. When a person beats a loved one with a baton, he must be prepared to receive a baton in response, because the other person also needs to defend himself. The psychologist suggested this technique.
If a person knows that in quarrels, the first thing he does is take out a baton, without even realizing it, he can prepare a cane in advance - prepare a phrase that will allow him to express emotions, but the hit will not hurt so much. In response, he will also be hit, but not with a baton, but also with a cane, and the big conflict will turn into a minor squabble.
For example, I always repeat the prepared phrase “You do nothing in life.” The psychologist suggested another phrase: “You rarely wash the dishes, I get tired.” Yes, this is also a reproach, but not a club, but a cane. In life it is not always possible to get a cane, but when you do, the conflict does not flare up.
