Happy are those women whose mother-in-law lives far away and rarely comes to visit, and even does not interfere with the family’s way of life. Unfortunately, such cases are rare; it is not for nothing that so many funny and sad stories are heard about the relationship between a daughter-in-law and her husband’s mother. If, when meeting with friends, you exclaim indignantly again and again, “I hate my mother-in-law, what should I do?!”, then you also find yourself in an awkward situation. Sympathy and support from friends help temporarily relieve nervous tension, but do not solve the problem. First of all, you should figure out why the relationship between you deteriorated and how to find an approach to your husband’s mother.
The basis of the conflict, because of which the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law
The basis of such a conflict is the personal desire of one of its participants for the other person to conform to subjective ideas about a certain norm. In other words, the mother-in-law has the image of an ideal daughter-in-law. And she, in turn, also has an idea of the ideal mother-in-law. And the discrepancy between mutual expectations gives rise to dissatisfaction with each other and, as a consequence, a conflict situation.
At the same time, the man who is the cause of the confrontation may react differently to quarrels between women:
- It is hard to suffer from the fact that his wife does not find a common language with his mother. Because he loves them both and does not want to be either a bad son or an indifferent spouse.
- To experience joy deep within himself when his wife expresses to his mother what he himself wanted to say as a child, but did not dare. There are often cases when a man even feels irritated when his wife tries to establish family ties.
Mother-in-law's hatred
According to many psychologists, a man on a subconscious level chooses as his life partner a woman who is similar to his mother. And people who are similar, as a rule, find it difficult to get along together.
If both women have a friendly and gentle disposition, then they will easily find a common language with each other. But if the ladies are distinguished by their domineering and despotic character, then they will reflect each other, defending their positions. And the man will find himself between two raging fires - mother and wife.
So, if you think your mother-in-law is selfish and conflict-ridden, take a more critical look at yourself to see if you have similar traits with her.
When entering into any relationship, each person must understand that no one is obliged to correspond to his invented ideal images. It is necessary to recognize the right of another individual to be himself. This will make it easier and calmer for everyone.
- It is not at all necessary for a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law to love each other. It is important not to experience irritation and internal dissatisfaction.
- The critical attitude of the wife's or husband's parents, directed at their spouses, is always present in the family, to a greater or lesser extent. This is a normal situation due to the fact that parents tend to exaggerate the merits of their children and find excuses for their negative actions.
However, in practice, it happens that the mother-in-law is unable to come to terms with her son’s choice and literally hates her daughter-in-law , beginning to consciously or unconsciously undermine their relationship. This is expressed in constant comments, reproaches and complaints to the son. At the same time, the woman does not even understand that she is destroying his family. As a rule, she is sincerely confident that she is doing “the best.”
Attitude
To understand how to correct a negative situation, try to be objective:
- If your mother-in-law is conflictual and quarrelsome not only in your opinion, but also in the opinion of other people, then the matter is in the peculiarities of her character. Quarrels in this case are inevitable, no matter how you treat her or her son. The only thing you can do is try not to provoke conflict situations.
- If others speak of your mother-in-law as a nice woman, and her hostility is directed only in your direction, then it is extremely important to determine the reason for such an attitude. Once you understand why this happens, it will be easier for you to decide what to do next.
Why does the mother-in-law hate her daughter-in-law?
Psychologists name several possible reasons for the mother-in-law’s hostility towards her daughter-in-law:
- Jealousy
The mother-in-law cannot accept the fact that her son has already grown up and it’s time for him to get out from under his mother’s wing. Intellectually, the woman understands that the child cannot live with her forever, but in her soul she cannot come to terms with the loss.
Often the mother-in-law realizes that she is too picky and strict towards her son’s wife, but she cannot cope with her emotions. Sometimes, due to internal experiences and irritation, a woman even begins to get sick.
- Age
The time when adult children create their own families and leave the parental home, as a rule, coincides with the period of hormonal changes in the mother’s body - menopause. It has a significant impact on a woman’s emotional perception. The menopausal period is always associated with excessive irritability, short temper, tearfulness and mood swings.
A woman’s situation can also be complicated by psychological depression due to thoughts about impending old age. As a result, the mother-in-law hates her daughter-in-law , not realizing the true reason for her worries.
- Character traits
A powerful woman with dictatorial tendencies will always defend her leadership in the life of her own child. In this case, living together or separately will have absolutely no meaning. She will always strive to establish her own rules in the new family and demand obedience from everyone.
Due to age and character
- Excessive affection
Sometimes a woman whose son is her only child sees the meaning of her life only in him. She cannot understand and come to terms with the changes that have occurred in his life, continuing to play the usual role of the mother of the family. But when the mother-in-law works, she has many friends and a lot of hobbies, it is unlikely that she will have time to pester her daughter-in-law with her communication.
- Uncertainty about son
Sometimes the reason that a mother-in-law hates her daughter-in-law is not jealousy, but fear for her son, in whom the mother does not see a mature man. According to his mother, without her control he could be treated poorly: humiliated, forced to work without rest for money, not cared about about his health, and even drunk.
Mother in law and daughter in law
- Social inequality
If the daughter-in-law's family occupies a different social position, this may cause constant attacks on the girl by her husband's mother. The mother-in-law will always believe that her son’s wife is not at all a match for him, and he could find a woman “of their circle.”
- Disagreements regarding raising grandchildren
Often grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their own children. And, as a rule, it seems to the mother-in-law that she knows better how to care for the baby: what to feed, when to go for walks. It is worth recognizing that she is more experienced in these matters, and her daughter-in-law may need to listen to her advice. However, it is the parents, not the grandparents, who must make important decisions regarding their own children.
Don't show your feelings
When a girl, being a bride, thinks about the question: “Why does my mother-in-law hate me?”, she should pay attention to her behavior. It is important to be able to prioritize in relationships with your future husband and his mother. Do not demonstrate your love and emotions too actively towards your spouse - this will only make your mother-in-law jealous. Be polite and courteous in conversations with her, and try to ignore caustic remarks in your direction. Instead, give your warmth to your beloved man, but do not do it too openly in front of his mother.
Daughter-in-law's mistakes that make her mother-in-law hate her
But the mother-in-law is not always the only one to blame for difficult relationships. A young woman who joins her husband’s family sometimes behaves in an inappropriate manner, thereby provoking his mother’s dissatisfaction.
Let's list the most common mistakes that a daughter-in-law can make:
- Inflated expectations regarding mother-in-law. When a girl gets married, she is sure that her husband’s parents should accept and love her as if they were their own. But this is a misconception. The less you expect from your mother-in-law, the less you will be disappointed in the future.
The daughter-in-law may mistakenly think too well of her mother-in-law
- Ignoring the spouse's family, especially his mother. A young girl may believe that her beloved man exists separately from his mother. Therefore, it is not at all necessary to maintain a relationship with her: meet her before the wedding, congratulate her on the holidays, host her. Such inattention on the part of the daughter-in-law offends the mother-in-law, and misunderstandings in the relationship are inevitable.
- Excessive criticism of the spouse in the presence of his mother and a clear desire to change him. But the mother-in-law considers her son almost perfect, and she is sincerely outraged by her daughter-in-law’s attempts to re-educate him.
- Comparing mother-in-law with one's own mother. Obviously, the husband’s mother loses in such a competition. However, everyone knows that for any person his parents are the best. Therefore, comparisons are inappropriate here.
- Public displays of affection towards her husband in the presence of his mother. Thus, the daughter-in-law seems to be declaring her rights to the man, emphasizing that she is now the main woman in his life, this can cause the mother-in-law to hate her daughter-in-law .
- Denial of the mother-in-law's authority. Young people tend to view the views and beliefs of older generations as outdated. And the daughter-in-law may disagree too categorically with the opinion of her mother-in-law and sharply reject her advice. This makes a woman feel unwanted and therefore irritated.
Don't diminish her authority
Of course, a young family can live with the wife's parents. But psychologists are categorically against such a decision. Living with a mother-in-law helps to lower a man's status in the eyes of relatives and friends. He will then try to increase his status by any means, which will certainly lead to tense relations in the family.
What do psychologists recommend doing?
Sometimes misunderstanding reaches its climax, and the unfortunate girl seeks help from qualified advisers. In a current family problem, where the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law, the advice of psychologists can significantly alleviate the suffering of the unfortunate woman and, together with her, develop tactics for her correct behavior with the aggressor in the person of the mother-in-law. For a family, especially a newly formed one, peace and tranquility are very important. You and your chosen one should not have a choice: you or your mother. Therefore, the task here is one - to build relationships competently and act in accordance with certain rules.
How to improve relations with your mother-in-law so that she stops hating her daughter-in-law?
Some girls believe that if their husband’s mother dislikes them, then it is useless to try to improve the relationship. But this is a mistaken opinion. If you put in some effort, it is quite possible to establish a comfortable relationship.
Do this for your husband and children, who probably suffer from your quarrels with your mother-in-law. In addition, think about the fact that you also have a mother, and perhaps she has conflicting feelings towards your husband. After all, you wouldn't want your spouse to mistreat her or ignore her completely.
In order for the mother-in-law to stop hating her daughter-in-law , psychologists advise the following:
- The most obvious advice is, of course, separate accommodation. If possible, do not live with your parents, despite the material bonuses that such a life can provide. However, it is the husband who needs to voice the decision to move to the mother. Moreover, he must say this tactfully and gently.
- Don't kick your mother-in-law out of your life immediately after your wedding. You shouldn’t say that you will figure everything out on your own, and don’t let her interfere. It will be rude and ugly towards her. And war between you is guaranteed. Emotionally separate from your husband's mother gradually.
- If you live in the house of your spouse's parents, then come to terms with the fact that the mother-in-law is the mistress here. And she is not at all obliged to give up this role. You will have to agree with the rules that have been established here for a long time. Stop trying to impose new ones. However, you have every right to stop your mother-in-law’s attempts to invade your privacy. And try to take advantage of your modest position: spend less time at the stove, do not spend money on repairs or new furniture.
- Don't compete with your mother-in-law for the main place in your husband's life. This woman is his mother. There will always be a place for her in his heart. And it is right. This is how it should be for normal people. Don't prove that you are better and more important. You and your mother-in-law are at different levels, so you simply cannot replace each other. And for your man, both of you are important.
Don't compete
- It happens that the relationship between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law develops more trustingly and warmly than with her own mother. But don't expect her to love you like her own child. Don’t forget that no matter how wonderful your husband’s mother treats you, her son will always come first for her. Therefore, when expressing dissatisfaction with your spouse, try not to hurt your mother’s feelings. There should be a certain distance between you and your mother-in-law.
- Nowadays, grandparents help working parents raise their children. They pick up their grandchildren from school, take them to activities, and supervise their homework. By helping in this way, the mother-in-law often considers herself to have the right to tell her son and daughter-in-law what and how to do. And it is inconvenient for them to stop such behavior, because the grandmother is really doing them a great service. In this case, you need to either turn to the services of a nanny, or tactfully reward your mother-in-law for looking after the children (groceries, help around the house, money, etc.).
- Invite your mother-in-law to visit you more often And invite her personally. If you don’t do this, she will still come, just without an invitation. And this, of course, will lead to mutual irritation and discontent. And so, it is not at all necessary that she will honor you with her presence, but she will certainly be pleased. And the attitude towards you will be much more favorable if the mother-in-law hated her daughter-in-law before.
Mother in law visiting
- It's no secret that adult sons don't often call their mothers. There is no need to be happy that your husband does not remember his mother. Remind him to call. Or better yet, dial her yourself and tell her what good things happened in her son’s life. You can’t even imagine how much such calls will increase your status in the eyes of your mother-in-law and how grateful she will be to you.
- Important decisions in your family should not be made under parental pressure. Don't give in on this issue from the very beginning. You can listen to your mother-in-law's advice, but do as you see fit. And to prevent possible disagreements, involve her less in the personal affairs of your family.
- Remember the main thing: no one owes you anything. Your spouse's mother is not obligated to love you. She has someone to love. And she probably has her own ideas about what kind of woman should be next to her son. Don’t blame her for this, and don’t take caustic statements about this too much to heart. In turn, you also do not have to treat her as your own mother.
- Do not allow your spouse to withdraw on fundamental issues. During a serious argument, ask his opinion and do not allow him to remain silent. He is an adult who at one time took upon himself certain responsibilities. Therefore, he must also take part in defining boundaries and rules.
- Ask your mother-in-law for advice. Especially recipes for her son’s favorite dishes. This will greatly flatter her pride and make her feel important, which will have a positive impact on her attitude towards you.
- Find common ground with your spouse’s mother: reading books, dancing, watching movies, doing handicrafts. Share your achievements with each other, talk about new products. This will certainly unite you, and you and your mother-in-law will become almost friends.
- Thank your husband's mother more often for her help, even the most insignificant. It costs you nothing to say a kind word, and she will be happy.
- In cases where something in your mother-in-law's behavior or words is unacceptable to you, tell her about it right away. At the same time, do not snap back, but explain calmly what and why you are not satisfied.
- Don't complain to your husband about his mother and don't act as a mediator in your relationship with her. Learn to resolve conflicts on your own.
- Strive for independence from your mother-in-law: in the material sphere, in housing issues, in terms of help with children. Then it will be much easier for you to set boundaries and prevent her from interfering in the life of your family.
Try to improve relationships
Working on any relationship is a complex process that requires some effort. There is no universal advice on what to do if the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law ? Be patient and wise. If your mother-in-law sees that her son is happy in his marriage, and your position is respectful towards her, then over time she is guaranteed to treat you better.
Don’t try to set your own rules and constantly interfere with everyday life.
The rules and foundations in your husband’s house have been established by your mother-in-law for years; this is an established process that should not be subjected to constant interference. In her home, the mother-in-law is the mistress, and outside interference in what she is already accustomed to can be regarded as the most banal disrespect. Everyone knows that there is no place for two housewives in the same kitchen, so don’t be lazy to agree in advance on all the issues that arise that relate to cooking and housekeeping. And remember: the final word should belong to the mistress of the house.
