How to improve your relationship with your mother. 3 reasons for coldness or scandals

If an adult woman cannot call her relationship warm with her mother, what does this mean? Should you try your best to feel gratitude to your parents - or should you not break yourself and leave everything as it is: disputes and scandals or cold distancing? Why is the topic of gratitude to mom so painful for most of us and is it possible to recover?

Gratitude to parents is a topic that has been worn out from all sides. From the very pot they hammer into everyone's head with a ten-pound hammer:

• Your parents gave you life, be grateful.
• You are fed, clothed and educated - you are obligated for the rest of your days.
• Everything your parents did was for your good. Say thank you. And leave your opinion you know where!

In fact, “good advice aunts” cleverly manipulate our feelings. Feelings of guilt and debt. The desire to be “good” in the eyes of the public. And the desire to comply with social norms is a very powerful lever:

- It's a shame to be so ungrateful! - How can you say that to your mother?!

You feel like you have to play by the rules. You pull yourself up, judge yourself, try to find at least a drop of gratitude in your soul. But the warmth inside towards the parents does not increase.

And then thoughts begin to drill into the brain:

- Is this feeling of gratitude necessary at all? - How to squeeze it out of yourself if your soul is empty? - And why break yourself like that if they didn’t try very hard to earn this gratitude?

I’ll say this: kick yourself until you lose your pulse to awaken gratitude, but you won’t be able to fix a relationship that now either consists of scandals or passes in implacable silence and rejection.

Consultations on parent-child relationships

Relationships with mothers are difficult for various reasons. When a child is in infancy, parents interact with him from a position of convenience and personal beliefs. A person grows up forming his own ideas about the world; his opinion can differ radically from his parent’s worldview. An adult has the right to limit his circle of contacts, to exclude people with whom communication causes negativity, but it is impossible to remove parents from this circle.

The main problem is the fear of argument and quarrel. A person may fear for his parents’ health, or be afraid of causing offense by refusing some request or standing up for what’s right. Manipulation of such fears is not uncommon. It turns out that parents are given too much freedom in their relationships with their children, which is not typical for the interaction of full-fledged independent individuals. Screaming, attempts to control, regular complaints, importunity, groundless accusations make life difficult for everyone.

It is quite difficult to establish a bad relationship with your mother, but it is possible. It is necessary to clearly define the boundaries and make it clear what does not suit you. Next, the development of a strategy aimed at combating inconvenience begins.

With a high degree of probability, mom will be offended. You cannot be afraid of this, even if the reaction turns out to be extremely severe. The goal of the strategy is to take communication to a new level, which involves contact not of a small child with an overbearing parent, but of two adults with their own views and beliefs. If one person is negative in advance, contact is impossible.

If in childhood your mother lacked parental affection and care, she will try to compensate for this at your expense. You are not to blame for her past. You cannot tolerate constant reproaches and give love to a person who ignores your needs and desires. Maturity involves reciprocity of feelings, respect on both sides and efforts to maintain a good relationship.

Set personal boundaries

Of course, mother and child must be emotionally connected. However, not to such an extent that they turn into bosom girlfriends/friends. A best friend is a person with whom you can share your most intimate things and be listened to. But it is impossible to do this with the mother, since there will always be issues in which a close family connection will only interfere with sincerity.

This is due to the fact that even the best friend or girlfriend cannot share the same unconditional love that is present in the relationship between mother and child. A mother may be ready to make any sacrifices for her child and always justifies him (in certain cases, which, of course, cannot be called the norm, she accuses him). A best friend or girlfriend, on the contrary, can listen to a person from the outside and give advice. It is the opportunity to share with another person what is boiling over that ultimately allows you to find support within yourself. But such a friend cannot be a mother.

Toxic relationships: psychology

There is a widespread belief that mother and child are people who are as close as possible to each other in spirit, and therefore disagreements are impossible. Toxicity excluded by default. The facts, however, say otherwise. Incompatibility of psychological types, opposing views on life, concentration on one’s own desires are the main factors that provoke a bad relationship with one’s mother.

Toxic relationships with mother are expressed in the following:

• Impoliteness aimed at girlfriends and friends of the child, endowing them with fictitious negative characteristics, accusations and insults. Because of this, for example, a girl does not develop contacts with the opposite sex.
• Constant disappointment. The emotional pressure is so significant that the child simply shuts down, does not tell his parents anything, or even loses motivation.
• Regular criticism and humiliation. Other children are set as examples, whose achievements, in the mother’s opinion, are unattainable for her child. Criticism is constant; a minor forced to live with his parents has nowhere to hide from it. It’s easier for adults living separately, but pressure can also happen in such a situation.
• Suspicions, attempts at control and questioning. The mother tries to find out all the secrets, and if she comes across a reluctance to talk, she begins to come up with terrible things, provoke, try to evoke an emotional reaction. Self-control is difficult, but this is the only way out - a sharp refusal and calmness.
• Violation of personal boundaries. Enters the child's room, even if he is in the company of friends. The habit continues into adulthood - he comes to visit without warning. Insists that she has her own key to the child’s apartment.

The opinion of a toxic parent is that the child is always guilty, regardless of age or the real possibility of committing an offense. The strategy is aimed at suppressing, challenging and maintaining constant feelings of guilt. The mother does not let the child go; he, against his own will, understands her problems.

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Reduce the time you spend together

It doesn’t matter whether you meet on weekends or only talk on the phone, try to limit the number of contacts.

Back away slowly. For example, if you are used to seeing or talking to a toxic mother every day, reduce interactions to 5-6 times a week.

Jennifer L. Fitz, author of Reducing the Stress of Caring for Your Loved One

This will allow you to maintain the relationship without making it too close.

Overprotective mother

Serious problem. Maximum attention, care, 100% control of the child’s behavior and actions. The reason is fear, worries about children. The world around them is perceived as a permanent threat to their lives, and a desire for restrictions appears.

Limitations lead to the fact that the child does not develop a range of knowledge about the world, he does not receive sufficient experience necessary for social interaction and making his own decisions. Such people are often called “infantile,” but the roots of infantilism are sometimes often associated with parental behavior. Violation of boundaries and excessive guardianship do not fit in with the freedom of choice and responsibility of the individual to others.

As a rule, the roots go to the parent complexes. Low self-esteem, a feeling of anxiety, a tendency towards idealism, a lack of satisfaction from one’s status and life achievements - all this can lead to overprotection.

Control your emotions

We often regret what we said in the heat of the moment. You need to learn to restrain your emotions and avoid conflicts. Instead of saying: “Of course, I’m the worst daughter in the world!” you can say: “Mom, I really need your advice and support.”

When you explain something, the left, “logical” hemisphere of the brain turns on, while the right hemisphere, “emotional”, is muted. Therefore, try to calmly explain to your mother the essence of your complaints. Turn off your emotions and say why you think and act this way.

Late entry into adulthood

A bad relationship with mom can begin when a person begins adulthood. Sometimes it is impossible to do without the need to defend one’s own beliefs and plans, the choice of comrades and partners. Quite often, a mother’s vision of the future differs from the plans of a grown child, and expressing her own (different from her) opinion evokes a negative reaction, from grins to harsh criticism. A parent can suffocate with reproaches, for example, that she is given too little attention. The result is a whole set of problems:

• The mother begins to be perceived as the most important and main person, other people fade into the background.
• A person is frankly afraid of becoming autonomous; he cannot live without control.
• A feeling of loneliness develops when the parent is not around.
• There are no serious relationships, no family and no children.
• Feeling guilty for one's own needs, desires and aspirations.
• Regular self-punishment, lack of self-realization.
• Addiction to risk and danger, alcoholism, overeating, drug addiction.
• Frequent quarrels with mother, expectation of punishment.
• Attempts to achieve maternal love at any cost.
• Comparison of wife and mother.
• Marriage with subsequent claims to the spouse that he does not pay enough attention.

Other consequences can be added to this series. The point, however, is not in specific examples, but in the main reason - the constant desire to find maternal love, which does not stop even after the death of the parent.

Stay confident

A toxic mother rarely behaves respectfully towards her daughter. She can look for all your weak points, provoke scandals and even fights, so you need to know that you can definitely stand up for yourself.

Be confident in your right to use safe phrases, such as: “If you want to talk to me, don’t use that tone.” You should also practice saying “no” regularly to emphasize that you deserve respect.

Why is this approach important?

Parents occupy a central place in our lives. They are sources of energy, the proper use of which allows one to achieve success in life, especially expressed in contacts with representatives of the opposite sex. Parental denial is destructive in nature, spreading to all areas of life. Does a woman not accept her mother? There is a high probability of difficulties conceiving a baby, problems during pregnancy and other negative consequences. It's hardly worth paying such a high price.

You think about her constantly

If your mother was the main source of stress in your childhood, you would want to move on and not think about her again. Easier said than done: you regularly remember the unpleasant comments she makes about your studies, or go over high-profile scandals. The toxic mother still occupies more of your consciousness than you would like to allow her to. And it affects your emotions more than you think.

Is it possible to be angry with your parents?

A common feature of many mature people is the conscious suppression of negative emotions towards their parents. This can be called the artificial cultivation of love for people who do not evoke any feelings other than negative ones. This path is a dead end. Resentment and anger are normal reactions to bad actions. There is no point in “squeezing” these feelings - this will only lead to the fact that they will not disappear anywhere. They will hide deep in the soul, and this is a direct path to serious health problems. It is precisely this “hidden” negativity that most often leads to a whole set of psychosomatic pathologies.

Giving forgiveness is difficult. Such grievances literally “grow” into a person’s personality and develop with him. Even if, as it seemed, the final decision was made, our whole nature will begin to resist it. How to work through the problem? Constant work, focus on results, interaction with a psychologist - there is only one strategy. Practice shows that a good technique is letters of grievance as a way to throw out emotional stress.

Where has gratitude gone?

Chances are you already have some practice in seeking gratitude. They probably tested the power of self-hypnosis on themselves, awakened their conscience, sought mercy and forgiveness. Obviously they didn't find...

Despite all the efforts, the notorious feeling of gratitude remained something mythical, almost like unicorns. It is quite possible that there are real reasons for such coldness. Start with this. Realize what exactly you blame your parents for. What is hindering your relationship now?

There can be many options. But most often one of the reasons listed below is at work.

Speak respectfully

An easy way to add fuel to the fire is to start talking back with the same disrespect. Even if your mom is truly a toxic person, still try to maintain peace with her. Talk to her respectfully, as this is an important step in setting boundaries. Catch the negative attitudes that are uttered in her speech, and, if possible, redirect the conversation in a different direction. Let's say your mother complains that she doesn't like the profession you chose. Say: “Yes, mom, I understand that this is really hard and unpleasant for you. But I feel anxious when I talk about it.” In this way, you not only confirm her feelings, but also emphasize what is bothering you. Let them know that you are feeling anxious and that you need to change the topic of conversation. Practice similar responses in advance, especially if these situations are repeated over and over again.

Even if your parent does not respect boundaries, it is much more beneficial for you as a child to repeat positive messages and mantras than to also become toxic and engage in dysfunctional behavior.

Give me a chance to change

People who grew up in a dysfunctional family may believe that their parents will never change. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a chance. There are those who go beyond their normal behavior, especially if they have had the chance to hear how toxic behavior is harming your life. Even if it doesn't work, you'll know that at least you tried.