How to improve relationships with parents if it didn’t work out before

The article explains:

1. 5 types of parents with whom it is difficult to establish relationships
2. 4 problems that are causing deterioration in relationships with parents
3. The importance of building relationships with parents
4. 13 ways to improve your relationship with your parents by changing your own behavior
5. How can adult children improve relationships with their parents, starting from scratch?

Even if you are already deeply “for”, and they have long been “under”, the question of how to improve relationships with parents never ceases to be relevant. Neither your status nor regalia will save you from parental moralizing and dispensing advice, even if they themselves cannot boast of such things. The funny thing is that sometimes the stories from the parents’ past may be far from positive, but they are confident that such an experience will certainly protect their children from mistakes.

Even the Dalai Lama cannot withstand constant moralizing. And therefore, every meeting with parents can end in a scandal or tense silence. At the same time, your mom and dad sincerely do not understand why you are hostile to their care. How to minimize the damage and improve relationships with parents so that you can start talking to them on equal terms?

Find common interests with your parents

Even if it seems to you that your parents have absolutely nothing in common with you, you may be mistaken. You can always find ways to get closer by choosing a topic of conversation that will be interesting to both you and them. Or come up with an activity that will unite you.

Yes, it often does require effort on your part, but if you want to improve your relationship with your parents, it's worth it. For example, you can read your mom's favorite book and discuss it with her, or try to learn to play chess if your dad loves it. Or you can discover something new for them - for example, bring a board game they haven't heard of, or go to the cinema to see a movie they definitely haven't seen.

The more common interests you find or create, the easier it will be to communicate with your parents. You will also want to spend more time together, which will strengthen your relationship.

Old grievances

— A frequent basis for alienation is grievances from childhood: “They were too strict with me, they didn’t love me”; “I was overprotected”; “Dad was tyrannical”; “Mom didn’t allow me to do what I was drawn to.” How to overcome such things?

- Let's first realize that from a spiritual point of view, such words are murmur. Murmuring against God. In other words, the person says: “Lord, You have thought poorly of me. He gave me the wrong kind of parents, which is why I am now worse than I could have been. But this is not my responsibility!” And self-pity and self-justification join the grumbling. This harms a person, depriving him of the opportunity to change anything in his life. And it creates the basis for alienation from parents.

- Is it just that time doesn’t heal such grievances?

- No. Resentment draws a person in like a whirlpool, it can, on the contrary, gain strength, turn into a sinful habit: you get used to blaming others and getting satisfaction and benefit from this - why, they say, correct something, since it’s not about me, but about my parents ?

The state of resentment is quite dangerous and unproductive: a person is internally passive, he is captive to experiences of imaginary injustice, self-pity, and anger towards others. And in fact he is trying to avoid responsibility for his life, for himself.

- What is the way out?

“The only way out here is to deal with yourself, accept the circumstances of your life as a fait accompli, come to terms with it and thereby move into an active internal position as the creator of your life.

Maybe you really were not given something in childhood. But you have a life, you have arms, legs, a head: how do you use them? What are you aiming for? What goals do you set for yourself? These are no longer your parents’ hands, feet, and head, they are yours, they belong to you. So the responsibility lies with you.

Therefore, a person can look at himself and say: “Today this is exactly what I am. What can I do about this now? Do I want to do something? I would advise you to be stricter with yourself, ask yourself these questions, find answers, but do not sit still, do not let the situation take its course. Time does not stand still, no matter how late...

— There is a popular method today: mentally reliving an unpleasant, offensive situation... In your opinion, is this an acceptable technique?

— I remembered one case that Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) of Sourozh described: an elderly lady who suffered from insomnia came to him. When she went to bed, various unpleasant situations from the past surfaced in her memory. And the Lord gave the following advice: “When this or that situation pops up in your memory, ask yourself a question: if this were to happen again now, what would I do?” And she began to do so. It was a moment of internal repentance, a re-evaluation of the past, as far as I understand. She said: “Yes, I would behave differently here; I wouldn’t utter such words.” And gradually these memories stopped tormenting her.

So yes, such a technique is possible. But! The fundamental point here is your own repentance, the search for your responsibility in that situation in the past! Don’t just passively remember it, but change the criteria for evaluating it, change your attitude towards the people participating in it.

Otherwise, it will turn out to be Manilovism: “Oh, if only they had told me then..., then I would have now...”. A sober, self-critical attitude is very important. A person’s task is not to change the past, not to forget it, but to see, find meaning in those situations of many years ago that he complains about; come to terms with the past, accept it as part of your life and move on. This helps to find inner integrity and harmony.

- But this is not about your mistakes...

- Let’s say, but let’s ask ourselves: don’t I make mistakes in my life now, do I always act fairly and according to my conscience? Since I’m offended, maybe my parents can also “blame” the responsibility for their mistakes in my upbringing on their mom and dad, and then on their own, and so on up to and including Adam? Does this shifting of responsibility change anything in my life?

Since I forgive myself for my imperfections, my mistakes, then, in all conscience, I should also come to terms with the imperfections of my parents.

Understand that disagreements are normal.

The fact that we and our parents have very different points of view does not mean that it is impossible to build a good and strong relationship with them.

Instead of becoming defensive or irritated when disagreements arise, you should try to accept that it is okay to have opposing opinions. The struggle to prove your point of view leads to conflict, although in many situations you can get out of the situation quite simply. Agree with your parents’ opinion and express yours, and then offer to try to find a compromise together. A calm and thoughtful conversation will be much more pleasant than another quarrel, if you show a little patience and wisdom. If you feel that the dialogue will not work, it is better to change the topic, especially if we are not talking about something fundamental.

Also, pay attention to phrases that should not be said if a conflict does occur - we talked about it here.

Principles of parent-child relationships

• The principle of equality - children and parents have the same rights;
• The principle of co-development is aimed at ensuring that the child’s development occurs simultaneously with the development of the parent;
• The principle of acceptance is based on mutual understanding between each other;
• The principle of understanding requires that parents strive to understand their children, and this helps to strengthen family ties and friendships within the family;
• The principle of communication is when communication plays a major role in education. The more parents and children communicate, the stronger and better their relationship develops;
• The principle of friendship works when parents and children have fun in a warm family circle and spend time together as friends.

Don't look for their constant approval

When our parents are proud of us, we can consider ourselves happy people. However, it is impossible to constantly please your parents and at the same time have your own interests. Therefore, it is worth accepting the fact that not all of our decisions in life can be supported by them, and this is completely normal.

Your mother may not like your new hair color, or your father may not like the brand of the car you bought. They may criticize your choice or be offended that you didn't ask their advice on this matter. But this does not mean that they began to treat you worse or “reset” all reasons to be proud of what kind of daughter they have. Therefore, you should not take your parents’ disapproval as a reason to vigorously defend your point of view and start a scandal. Listen to them and stick to your own opinion.

Birth of a baby and role position.

The great Austrian psychologist Freud identified an interesting pattern. He discovered that the older a child gets, the more responsibility he takes on.

Older siblings often notice that parents show more attention and love to their younger children precisely because they are the youngest.

If a child has no brothers and sisters and grows up alone in a family, he does not have any problems with self-esteem. But children from large families often suffer due to a whole bunch of complexes. So children have to constantly fight for the attention and love of their parents. And if one of the kids receives less attention, they begin to suffer. In the future, such children continue to fight for the attention of others throughout their lives, and sometimes use not the most honest methods to achieve their goals.

Try to accept them as they are

It is very difficult to change an adult, and often almost impossible, if he himself does not want it. If we want our parents to accept us for who we are, we need to learn to do the same.

Your mother may be hypersensitive and take all your mistakes or difficulties as a personal blow. Dad is quite grumpy and scolded you for bad grades at school.

Try to understand that mom and dad are not just parents, but people with their own “set” of qualities, life experiences and reasons for emotions.

For example, a mother may be prone to overprotectiveness if you are an only child born quite late. And dad scolds you for your grades out of fear that in the future it will be difficult for you to find a job if you don’t have a honors diploma. You can talk to them and ask why they feel certain emotions and choose a form of communication with you that bothers you. This will make it easier for you to accept this and make your relationship with your parents more trusting.

By the way, there are ways to learn to understand other people, and this is one of the steps towards accepting them for who they are. You can read more about this here.

"Eternal Parents"

Some of us know very well what this means: forever parents do not force us to pursue a career. On the contrary, they make it clear that you can stay at home until you decide what to do. Mom still does the cleaning and cooking, and dad always fixes the car, gives him a ride to work, or picks up guests. After a divorce in midlife, you can return home where nothing has changed.

What's wrong with such parents? They should be admired: “They are so kind, they do everything for me and are happy that I love them.” Only young men from the category of eternal children do not know how to prepare even a cup of tea for their girlfriend. And after the wedding, women call their mother to find out how to turn on the washing machine or how to make peace after a quarrel. In short, if you are no longer a child, then it’s time to start building relationships like adults.

How to set boundaries?

Make a list of everything you need to learn: how to use a kettle or manage your bank account. In knowledge there is strength and confidence. Learn to politely refuse help: “Thanks, but I think it’s time for me to learn how to do this on my own, don’t I?” You are afraid of upsetting your parents, but it is quite possible that they will even be happy. And you will notice that the connection between you will become stronger.

Avoid unpleasant reminders of the past

Each of us has several memories associated with parents who traumatized us. And sometimes in a quarrel or disagreement we really want to remind them of this and express everything we think. But you shouldn't do this. Perhaps the parents themselves regretted what happened and feel guilty. Or, conversely, they still believe that they were right and will defend this point of view, which will lead to conflict.

Try to let go of the past and do everything to make your relationship much better in the present. You can talk to your parents about your trauma and then close the topic forever. Or work through it with a psychotherapist in order to let go of the past without talking to your parents about it, if you understand that this can seriously hurt them.

Types of family relationships

Psychologists distinguish 6 main types of family relationships:

• Socio-biological;
• Economic and economic;
• Moral;
• Legal;
• Pedagogical;
• Psychological

1. Socio-biological family relationships.

This type of family relationships is responsible for the gender and age system: fertility and hygiene, the care of parents and children for each other.

2. Economic and family relations.

This type of relationship is responsible for forming a family budget, earning money and caring for older and younger family members.

3. Legal family relations.

This type of relationship speaks about the peculiarities of the relationship between husband and wife. In addition, this type of relationship is responsible for issues of adoption and inheritance.

4. Moral family relationships.

This type of family relationship is largely responsible for raising children. They also influence the moral and moral values ​​of each family member.

5. Pedagogical family relations.

Every parent has an educational function and passes it on to each of their children throughout their lives. The entire educational function depends on pedagogical relationships.

6. Psychological family relationships.

This type of relationship speaks about the psychology within the family between each member. The nature of these relationships speaks about emotions, memories in the family and the sphere of communication. In order for a family to have healthy psychological relationships, the family must be strong and support each other in everything.

Set personal boundaries and break time

Relationships can't always be perfect. We may quarrel with our parents for various reasons. In order to quickly come to a peaceful agreement and avoid quarrels, you need to learn to respect their personal boundaries and not forget about yours.

For example, you can try to explain to your mom that if you have an argument, you need time to calm down and talk with a “fresh mind.” Explain not only your need, but also what you care about in this situation and about her. For example, that you don’t want to say too much and that it’s simply easier for you to make a decision if you’ve taken a breath.

It's also worth telling your parents if they bring up topics of conversation that you don't like. You need to do this calmly and patiently, giving reasons why you feel uncomfortable.

Child-parent relationships within the family.

The relationship between children and parents is responsible for many different tasks. Most of them are responsible for the well-being of the baby. The interesting point is that the interaction here goes from child to parent.

When (and if) parents allow a child too much and praise him, he grows up believing that the whole world should treat him this way. It's hard to say how dangerous this all is. But the child has conflicts outside the family. This happens when a child believes that the whole world revolves around him. When parents indulge every whim and give everything the child asks for, the baby gets used to it and expects the same from the whole world. But will those around him be so sensitive and friendly towards him? The answer here is most likely negative.

Types of parent-child communication

The way a parent communicates with a child directly affects his future life.

In responsive families, parents and children constantly interact due to which a trusting relationship develops between them.

When a parent constantly monitors a child, controls his SMS and social networks, a hostile type of communication prevails in the family.

With a material-oriented type of communication, parents strive to create material well-being in the family and provide their children with all kinds of benefits, for example, sending them to study at higher institutions.

Children are completely dependent on their parents. And it is extremely important to remember that the well-being of each child is in the hands of his parents.

Classification of parenting styles in psychology

The system of educational techniques is an unconscious set of methods. Awareness includes:

• understanding the goals of education;
• choice of techniques;
• setting goals;
• analysis of methods, taking into account experience.

There are 5 main types of educational influence:

1. Guardianship. Parents provide all the baby’s needs, depriving him of initiative and the opportunity to take care of himself. The result of such upbringing is a person’s complete unadaptability to life. The child's independence is blocked.
2. Dictatorship. Signs of dictatorship are coercion, ignoring the interests of the child, physical or mental abuse when trying to show resistance.
3. Non-intervention or liberalism. One side of the issue is taking into account the interests of adults and children, on the other - coldness, inability of parents to learn to communicate, emotional distance.
4. Cooperation is the most constructive community of close people, where everyone has the right to seek help.
5. Parity is a group in which family members act according to a plan that ensures that all people get what they want.

In single-parent and two-parent families, mothers are involved in raising children. The father's role is to provide financial support for the cell's needs.

Principles of relations between adults and children

The principles of family relationships are formed from living conditions. Two-parent and single-parent families differ in their way of life, approach to education, and different emotional backgrounds.

The role of the child is determined by several template sets related to the child. There are 4 main roles that it performs:

• a favorite, while the parents have no feelings for each other, all emotions are directed towards the child;
• a scapegoat who attracts the parents' negative feelings towards each other;
• a conciliator who solves parental problems and smooths out rough edges;
• baby - a role imposed on a pupil if the spouses are too close to each other; he always remains a little boy or girl.

Other authors identify the following roles:

1. The child is a burden. Personality formation occurs in an atmosphere of uselessness and alienation.
2. Slave. The qualities of subordination to parents and the need to complete all tasks, regardless of the child’s wishes, are instilled.
3. Weapon. Often mothers or fathers use a child for blackmail in order to get what they want, to subjugate another person to their will.
4. Lover, husband's substitute. The mother insists on complete frankness, demands renunciation of personal life, and binds the child with bonds of love.

There are two opposing principles that determine intrafamily relationships:

1. Emotional relationships of love, acceptance. The baby gets a lot of attention and time.
2. Rejection, alienation. There is cruelty, unwillingness to spend time, ignorance of basic needs, hatred.

Accordingly, several types of communication are identified that shape personality traits. The specificity of the relationship takes into account, on the one hand, a deep internal connection, on the other, an assessment of behavior, activity, and judgment, therefore, periodically arising conflict situations are a common occurrence even in normal families.

Parental control is exacerbated under the influence of concerns about the future of the pupil and concern for health. These factors cause internal tension on both sides, turning children into objects of education.

Peculiarities of relationships between children and parents in the family. consultation

Peculiarities of children's relationships

and parents in the family.

Of great importance for the educational potential of a family are such components as the educational level of the parents, general culture, pedagogical activity, the ability to establish good relationships with everyone around, the structural type of the family, the age of the father and mother.

There are three main styles: authoritarian, democratic and liberal.

The authoritarian style is presented as a strict declaration by parents of demands that cover the entire life of their children. In the family, forceful pressure, aggression, dictatorship, callousness and coldness, and unceremonious attentiveness are manifested.

Liberalism in the family is characterized by complete indifference of family members to each other, complete connivance. Each family member lives with his own affairs, worries, thoughts.

Democracy is based on mutual interest, support and mutual assistance. In an authoritarian style, children’s needs are suppressed, and in a liberal style, they are ignored; in a democratic family, there is constant, unobtrusive control over the child’s development.

The main direction in describing the typology of family education is the study of educational parental attitudes and positions. In general terms, this can be formulated as suboptimal and optimal parental positions. Opinion, point of view, attitude towards something and corresponding behavior.

The optimal parental position meets the requirements of adequacy, flexibility and predictability. The adequacy of the parental position is presented as the parents’ understanding of the individuality of their child, a vision of the changes taking place in his mental world. The predictive nature of the parental position lies in the fact that the style of communication should precede the emergence of new typical and personal qualities of children. Based on the predictive parental position, the optimal distance can be established. The flexibility of the parental position is considered as the ability to change educational influences on the child in the course of family living conditions.

Some authors dealing with the problem of raising children have tried to base the description of types of upbringing on the degree of expression of the emotional attitude of parents towards their child.

Education based on love and acceptance. The generalized formula of parental education is expressed by the satisfaction “The child is the center of my interests.” Parents are constantly engaged with the child, treat him tenderly, take care of his life. In other studies, attention was paid to both the degree of freedom of the child in the family, i.e. how parents regulate his behavior. With this approach, two extreme types are identified - excessive guardianship and excessive demands.

Overprotective parenting. Parents' educational formula: “I will do everything for the child.” The parents' behavior shows complete connivance combined with excessive care.

Education according to the type of excessive demands. The educational formula of parents can be expressed by the statement: “I don’t want a child the way he is.” Parents constantly criticize the child’s behavior; there is no encouragement or praise.

The third group of scientists, analyzing the types of education, came to the conclusion that

that a more accurate assessment of upbringing lies not in one, but in several aspects. On the one hand, there is the emotional aspect of the attitude towards children, on the other hand, a reflection of behavior. The combination of these aspects gives four types of education:

1) a warm attitude towards the child combined with the introduction of independence and initiative;

2) cold permissive upbringing, in which there is some coldness towards the child, a lack of parental feelings is combined with the idea of ​​freedom for him,

3) warm, restrictive parenting, which is characterized by an emotionally intense attitude towards the child with excessive control over his behavior;

4) cold, restrictive upbringing, which is accompanied by constant criticism of the child, nagging, and sometimes persecution of independent action.

Recently, another approach has been identified, based not on a two-number, but on a three-number model of education. Three aspects of the relationship that make up the attitude of parents towards their child are identified: sympathy - antipathy, respect - disrespect, closeness - distance. The combination of these aspects of the relationship allows us to distinguish eight types of parenting.

Effective parenting based on sympathy, respect and intimacy. The formula of parental attitude towards children is as follows: “I want” my child to be happy, I will help him in this. In the family, there is a warm emotional tone of communication, active upbringing is inherent in the interests, hobbies, and abilities of the child, his rights are respected, and there is a rosy demand.

Detached parenting is based on sympathy and respect, but there is a great distance from the child. Family education formula: “Look what a wonderful child I have, it’s a pity that I don’t have much time to communicate with him.” Parents highly value the child, his appearance, his successes, his abilities, but gentle treatment of him is accompanied by an inability to help with his problems.

Effective pity is based on intimacy, sympathy, but there is no respect. The parenting formula is as follows: “Although my child is not smart and physically developed enough, he is still my child and I love him.” This style of emotional attitude towards a child is characterized by awareness of real and sometimes imaginary deviations in his physical and mental development. As a result, parents come to the idea of ​​​​the exclusivity of their child. When communicating with a child, they take the path of providing special privileges and protect them in every possible way from harmful influences. The parents' interests are focused on him; they do not seem to believe in the child's capabilities and abilities.

Education according to the type of condescending detachment is based on sympathy, disrespect, and greater interpersonal distance. The formula for family education looks something like this: “You can’t help but blame my child for not being smart and physically developed enough.” The child’s ill-being is secretly his right, parents do not interfere in the child’s affairs, in his contacts with peers and other people, they are not sufficiently oriented in the mental world of a child.

Rejection is based on antipathy, disrespect, and large interpersonal distance. This attitude of parents towards their children is very rare; the formula of the parental position is expressed as follows: “This child gives me unpleasant feelings and an unwillingness to deal with him.” The parent withdraws from the child, does not want to communicate with him, does not notice his presence. The parent becomes coldly unapproachable when he approaches.

Contempt. In this type of relationship there is disrespect and small interpersonal distance. This attitude towards children corresponds to the following parental formula: “I suffer, suffer endlessly from the fact that my child is so undeveloped, stubborn, cowardly, and unpleasant to other people.” The parent does not notice any achievements of the child, ignores them, and does not notice anything positive in communication. Communication between parents and children is based on urging, edification, and demands. Such parents constantly visit specialists in the desire to “correct.” Education is based on the formula: “My child is a scoundrel, and I will prove it to him!” In upbringing there is a strong belief among parents that their child has turned into a “scoundrel.” Parents try to break the child with excessive severity and strict control; they often initiate the involvement of the public in education.

Refusal is based on antipathy, respect and great interpersonal distance. In raising a child, detachment from his problems prevails. They, like him, watch the child from afar, recognizing his strength and the value of certain personal qualities. When relations become strained, such parents willingly resort to the help of the public and strive to entrust their child to school. The given types of parental education are pointed. During upbringing, under the influence of circumstances, certain events, the attitude of parents towards the child changes. It would be a mistake to assume that the behavior of parents from the birth of a child to his growing up was described by one type of upbringing. Practice shows several relationship options in the behavior of parents. The above approach allows us to determine which particular attitude has currently become the leading one for parents.

One of the leading spectrums of family relationships is communication. Researchers V. Zazdeshnyuk and V. Semichenko highlight that communication between parents and children has a number of specific features. They highlight the following positive signs of family communication:

1. family communication is characterized by intimacy, intimacy, a decrease in the “confidence interval”, and the distance between the communicating parties;

2. family communication covers all aspects of a person, ensuring his extra-role acceptance and interaction. For example, a child at school plays the role of a student, on the street, crossing it - the role of a pedestrian, in the sports section - an athlete. The family accepts him in the integration of all his external roles;

3. in family communication it is impossible to highlight such aspects as training, education, development. They have a complex nature of influence. By encouraging a child’s certain behavior and punishing him for violating certain rules, parents make it clear what system of norms and rules is acceptable. At the same time, an identification mechanism occurs simultaneously: the child imitates his parents, focuses on them, this can happen both on a conscious and on an unconscious level;

4. The family has the responsibility to regulate the child’s various relationships with the outside world. Parents are a kind of “buffer”, because It is unacceptable to bring down the complexities of life on a child’s fragile psyche. The family relieves stress that the child experiences in other areas of life. Here the family performs a recreational function;

5. family provides the maximum duration of connections, which has a great influence on a person throughout almost his entire life.

However, researchers point out that communication in the family can be complicated for some objective reasons.

1. It has been studied that the range of emotional expressions in a family can fluctuate because includes relaxation, decreased self-control, and an increased tendency to nervous discharges. Communication between spouses and children occurs in the second half of the day; upon returning home, family members feel an urgent need for rest.

2. Communication in the family can take place against the backdrop of an already accumulated excess of communication.

3. Communication in the family is associated with small, everyday household chores, which devalues ​​its meaningful side because limited to external effectiveness with an internal emptiness of relationships.

4. Parents often lack psychological and pedagogical experience. It is acquired in parallel with the development of the child. Therefore, mistakes are possible due to the lack of psychological and pedagogical experience. Researcher of children's neuroticism V. Garbuzov identifies several types of improper upbringing: hypersocial, anxious-suspicious, egocentric.

The hypersocial type of miseducation is more common. They want to have a child not because there is a deep spiritual need for him, but because there should be children in every family. The family adheres to “strict” rules: recommendations for “ideal” upbringing are read and punctually followed to the point of formalism. For example, a baby is not picked up, even if he starts crying. They feed him by the hour, although he does not want to eat at the allotted time and cries from hunger at the wrong time. A child with hypersocial parents is, as it were, programmed, overly disciplined, and overly hypocritical.

With hypersocial upbringing, temperament is suppressed, as a result, children develop a hypersocial or anxious-suspicious character, which leads to neurosis if they suffer a severe failure or collapse of their claims.

The anxious-suspicious type is observed in cases where, with the birth of a child, a persistent concern for him, for his health and well-being, simultaneously arises. This type of upbringing is often observed in a family with an only child, as well as in a family where a child is growing up. In this case, the child is not independent, indecisive, vulnerable, touchy, and unsure of himself. They become very restless due to an anxious perception of reality.

The egocentric type is observed in a family with an insufficient level of responsibility regarding the future. The child is forced to imagine himself as a self-sufficient super-value. The slightest whims are satisfied immediately, desires are anticipated.

From the above reasons, we can say that despite the potentially high possibilities of family education, there are reasons that complicate the process of intrafamily interaction.

As a result of everyday interaction, a general atmosphere of intra-family relations develops, characteristic of a particular type of family. The following types of relationships are encountered.

Collaboration is about support and relationship. In a family, the basic needs of all family members are met. Everyone, regardless of age, feels important and receives help and understanding from everyone in the family.

Parity - refers to “allied” relations based on obtaining a common benefit from interaction that satisfies all parties. The personal significance of each family member is relegated to the background; the most valuable thing is the search for the rational expediency of any event.

Competition - in the family, everyone strives to be the first in everything, to achieve their own goals faster, at any cost.

Confrontation - in family relationships the desire to dominate others prevails. Show your superiority over others.

Antagonism - in a family relationship there are two or three opposing sides who do not agree to compromise. This relationship can arise between parents and children.

Against the background of such types of family relationships as antagonism and competition, symptoms of “hidden orphanhood” appear, emotional alienation of children from parents, loss of protective contacts between parents and children, and as a result we see children’s homelessness, vagrancy, and uncontrollability of children’s actions. Under such conditions, the number of childhood neuroses increases. Neurosis that is not cured in childhood can distort a person’s fate and affect his entire life.

The problems of family education are multifaceted. Violation of family functions and education: a suboptimal style of communication and interaction leads to constant conflicts and negative trends in the development of children. Marital relations form a certain position, emotional relations towards a son or daughter, and a view on his (her) upbringing. Parental position is one of the most important factors influencing the formation of a child’s personality. It reflects the feelings that his parents have for each other.

The atmosphere of the family, the entire family structure influences the child. The communication experience gained in the family is very important. It largely determines the well-being of children’s relationships with people around them.

The influence of intrafamily relationships on the formation of a child’s social experience is evidenced by the work of modern psychologists, teachers and the practice of family education (A. Ya. Varga, V. K. Kotyrlo, A. S. Spivakovskaya, V. Ya. Titarenko, etc.).

In a family, children choose different, individual paths of behavior, which are built on the basis of a subjective, subconscious assessment of what is happening around them. Already at the end of the first and at the beginning of the second year of life, the child becomes a real “expert” of his parents. In families with serious problems in relationships, personal deviations of parents, such forms of behavior of children and impacts on parents are observed that have a negative impact on the development and relationship of the child with other children (illness, aggression). Thus, we come to the conclusion that the nature of the relationship between children and adults is influenced by the following factors:

- marital relations;

- the position of parents, expressed in the style of education;

- the age of the children themselves;

- personal qualities of children;

Quarrels between children and parents are contradictory in their significance for the formation of children’s personalities.

On the one hand, they strengthen character and act as a subjective experience for children. Quarrels between children in a family cannot be avoided. But they can be considered natural and normal only if they are not based on the motive of betrayal.

Negative relationships between children and parents, in the absence of the correct position of the parents and the positive personal qualities of the children themselves, can take hold and accompany them throughout their lives, causing various internal conflicts of the individual and affecting relationships with other people.

Features of education at the present time

The modern system of home education is to give the child all the benefits and available material things. The financial guideline fosters greed, hypocrisy, and the desire to please where it promises benefit. Most often, girls inherit this upbringing from their mother, boys from their father. Reluctance to follow parental guidelines must be eradicated at the subconscious level, with outside help. The desire to change family relationships is a mutual decision of both parties.

The presence of a large number of educational institutions inspires parents with the idea that other people are capable of replacing a child’s home, parents’ attention, and their authority. The same situation arises when the baby is left for a long time with a nanny or grandmother. It is important to understand that the consequences of upbringing will fall on the shoulders of the parents.