Just yesterday they were full of energy, working hard at work and at home, building their lives, raising children, helping with grandchildren. They made decisions, managed their lives and gave advice. They were needed and in demand.
What about today? A lot of sores and a feeling that life is over. The children have grown up and provide for themselves. The grandchildren have become independent; there is no one to babysit. And so problems begin to arise in the relationship between parents and adult children - “whims” on the part of the parents and excuses on the part of the adult children.
Parents feel unnecessary; adult children are too busy to include communication with parents in their “schedule”. When there is no need to interact with each other, then naturally communication is reduced and relationships fade away.
Don't treat communicating with your parents as a duty
Communication with parents - especially if it is associated with negative emotions - is perceived much more difficult by adult children if they treat it as a duty. It is important to remember here that no one decided whether to be born or not, and in order to be “owed” to someone, you need to borrow or ask for at least something from someone on your own initiative.
A person imposes all obligations in this sense on himself - or they are imposed on him by his own love (which is quite logical). So you have the freedom to choose how and in what mode to communicate with your loved ones.
Remind yourself often that you are not a hostage in this relationship, and then communication with your parents will become much more pleasant for you.
Psychologist about conflicts between adult children and their parents
Situations often occur when adult children do not communicate with their parents for several years. Who is to blame for the conflict and how to resolve it?
Yearning
There is a good old joke: “Mom calls the boy from the apartment window: “Mishenka!” He anticipates the parent’s question and answers: “What, mom? I'm cold?" - “No,” she is not lost, “you want to eat.”
In real life, adults also often decide for children what they need, when and for what. Minsk resident Ksenia raised her daughter alone. There was a strong emotional connection between them. After getting married, the girl continued to consult her mother on everything.
“When her marriage broke up, she started seeing a psychotherapist,” says Ksenia. – At the clinic, she met a doctor who became her second husband. Over time, our relationship with our daughter deteriorated. She stopped calling and letting me into her apartment. Before the New Year I came with congratulations. I complained about high blood pressure, but she took it as emotional blackmail. She advised me not to stress myself out and left. It’s a shame that my loved one left me in a pre-stroke state...
The chairman of the public association “Family Support Center”, family psychologist Olga Matyukhova, notes: in such situations, the mother needs to understand what formed the basis of the quarrel. Perhaps not concern for the child, but your own problems: the desire to get help and support, to get rid of fears, feelings of guilt and uselessness. If so, then it is necessary to change the interaction strategy (primarily your own behavior), accept the child’s autonomy and his life position. Otherwise, big conflicts await relatives.
“Another client of mine complained that her mother allowed herself to visit without warning, opening the door with her key,” the specialist notes. – In response to the daughter’s remark that the parent appears at the wrong time, she accused her of ingratitude.
If a parent wants to find support and help for a child, this must be done without violating his personal boundaries.
Some mothers and fathers try to keep their children by reminding them how much good they have done for them, making them feel guilty, or showering them with gifts. But such behavior leads to serious conflicts over time.
“It seems to me that loving an adult child is the same as loving a person who has lost his memory,” admits Tamara, a Minsk resident. – After all, you remember how he needed you when he was little, what best friends you were. But the children don’t remember this... Of course, you continue to love your little blood, but overcoming great pain in your soul.
According to Olga Viktorovna, in the event of family conflicts, it is the parents who most often seek advice.
“The feelings of moms and dads can be understood,” she says. “For a long time they took care of the child, looked after him. They remembered not only their parental rights, but also their responsibilities. However, the growing up of a child is a natural process, and mothers and fathers should prepare for this in advance. It’s better to switch to your spouse, work, social life. You need to remember yourself in your youth, when you also wanted to spread your wings.
One of the scenarios for the development of relationships between adult children and strict parents is to go against them. By protest, the child defends his rights. In such families, sons and daughters marry early and move to another country to be as far away from relatives as possible.
– Conflicts often occur between father and son. If the father fails to break the child’s will and fortitude, the child defends his boundaries and interests with all his might, even to the point of breaking the relationship, notes O. Matyukhova.
Resentment
“We haven’t seen our daughter for ten years,” sighs Minsk resident Antonina. “As a child, she was naughty, for which she often received reprimands. Growing up, she began to accuse me of loving her less than my youngest daughter. I tried to convince her, but one day she said that it was painful for her to communicate with me, and she stopped contacting me. I don't blame the child. I understand that he is suffering. But I also can’t find a place for myself...
Olga Matyukhova notes: a person remains a child of his parents at any age. Deep in his soul he hopes that he will always receive support, help, and consolation from them.
“To understand the reasons for the situation that happened to Antonina, a deeper analysis is needed,” says Olga Viktorovna. – The first thing a mother needs to do is forgive, and then think about what exactly she can change in her behavior. This may take longer than you would like. I often ask clients who seek help in resolving child-parent conflicts the question: “How long has your conflict lasted?” If, for example, it’s two months, I say: resolving the situation will also take two months.
Sometimes parents can be offended. Recently, a girl whose parents divorced when she was 10 turned to a psychologist. At the trial, she admitted that she would like to live with her father, as it is calmer with him. My mother could not imagine this in her worst dream! The court left the girl with her father, but the couple soon resumed their relationship. Mom often reminded her daughter about the unpleasant event.
An authoritarian style of parenting, overprotection, in which there are no prohibitions and restrictions, and also the child’s personality is cultivated and permissiveness flourishes, can provoke the development of an aggressive personality type in a son or daughter.
“In such families, adult children often live at the expense of their parents, sometimes taking money from them, selling property and wishing them a speedy death,” the specialist notes. – A son or daughter, like a parent, turns into a tyrant.
Disappointment
It happens that a child refuses to communicate with only one parent. Usually he has an alcohol addiction.
“It’s difficult to blame one of your relatives for such behavior,” notes Olga Viktorovna. – A number of reasons can contribute to the emergence of an addiction: from improper family upbringing to disharmony in marital relationships. You can also understand your son or daughter. They experience contempt, fear, disappointment, and shame for the parent. However, some manage to maintain contact with addicts. One of my clients admitted: “When dad didn’t drink, he was kind and caring. Once when I was a child, I got really sick with the flu, and he sat next to my bed all night, putting a wet towel to my forehead.” It is important that the girl’s mother did not make accusations and curses against her husband, so the child retained good memories of his father.
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Call first
Although some parents may be overly intrusive when communicating with their children, many, on the contrary, are afraid of disturbing someone once again - even those closest to them. At a certain age, they may begin to feel their company is undesirable, and themselves - superfluous and unnecessary in your life. To help them overcome this feeling, don't wait for them to call you, go ahead of them: call and visit them on your own initiative. When your parents feel important to you, they will be calmer, and there will be much less reason for conflict, rest assured.
What questions are asked most often?
Here are some of the common concerns that adult children voice when talking about their parents:
- they didn't like me
- father or mother “were cold to me”
- brother or sister “loved more than me”
- I was constantly compared to other children, they said that they were better than me
- I was told that I looked like a relative that many family members did not like
- I was often undeservedly punished
- they were unfair to me
- It was drilled into my head that I needed to be obedient
- I was forbidden to do what I liked, to be friends with those with whom I wanted to be friends. Simply because the parents didn’t like it for some reason. Moreover, they can’t even explain to me now why they banned it
- I was constantly accused
- I was told that I don't deserve to be treated well
Report less negative news
With age, people develop a fear of life - due to the fact that they themselves can no longer significantly influence it. Therefore, some of the problems become unsolvable and cause serious difficulties and stress for elderly parents. They are especially upset by the problems of children, because they can no longer help in solving a difficult situation. This, in turn, makes them feel powerless.
If you don't want your parents to be in this state, try to protect them from overly traumatic news as much as possible.
On the contrary, tell them willingly about small problems in which they can help you - this way they will be convinced that they are still useful and necessary to you. And this feeling is very important in the life of any person.
The “I’m big and you’re small” attitude is very bad.
The common problem of millions of parents is that they flatly refuse to accept the fact that children tend to grow up. Quite often you can hear from older women that they consider their adult children to be small. They say directly: “For me you will always be small,” and quite seriously. This phrase is some explanation of why mommy still controls every step of her son, who is no less than 30 years old.
With this approach, you can raise either a mama's boy (or daughter) or an adult who will not take the parent seriously. A mother who says this cannot be an authority.
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If you want your child to be successful and respect you, recognize his right to grow up. Believe me, there is nothing bad or scary in this, it’s normal.
Don't try to re-educate your parents
As children grow up and parents grow old, the balance of power in the family begins to change. The older generation is becoming limited in its capabilities, while the younger generation, on the contrary, is just getting the hang of it. Elderly parents may understand many things worse than you, and they may need your help in solving difficult situations, just as you once did. However, you should not take advantage of this and assert your power over them, as if they were stupid children. You can never change your parents. Don't settle scores with them for childhood traumas and grievances - they are adults, and they need to be accepted for who they are if you decide to maintain contact with them.
Building relationships with older people can be difficult
What about aging parents? By nature, there is no turning back. But what makes us human is relationships. And it’s not for nothing that all religions have a cultural superstructure - a commandment: honoring parents in old age. No matter how much it may seem to us that we were not given something in childhood, honoring our parents is a moral duty to the elderly. When parents grow old and find themselves helpless, adult children become “parents” for them.
Yesterday, the parent's word was decisive, significant, today no one wants to listen. No one is interested in their opinion, and no one needs their advice. It’s good if children don’t expect help from pensioners.
They want attention, but how to get it? They need to communicate, but adult children don’t have time all the time.
Before my eyes... An ideal mother, an ideal grandmother... She was a great leader, honest and decent, she did not put pressure on her daughter, she raised her granddaughter with love. Now the daughter is engaged in business, the mother loves and respects... But sometimes she dumps her negativity on her. The teenage granddaughter also loves her grandmother, but she allows herself a lot of unnecessary things. He's sarcastic, he's snarky... I'm friends with all of them. I don't mean to offend grandma. I put the girls' brains in their place. It still happens, but not with me. They don’t even understand that they are offending a loved one. They feel bad, but here she is next to her, no longer so strong, and most importantly, forgiving everything...
(doctor's notes and observations)
Psychology of the “whims” of elderly parents
Daughter says:
“Mom is hysterical, she constantly invents illnesses for herself and screws up both herself and those around her, you see, she’s dying. She doesn't love me or my children. Although, when she feels bad, she turns to me first. She also helped with the children. Now that I don't have the opportunity to give her expensive gifts, I feel like a bad daughter.
- Which presents?
— She loves jewelry... When I gave my mother jewelry, I was good for her.
- Why do you think that your mother doesn’t love you?
“She says she loves her brother more.”
“However, she never talks about her brother, but she talks about you with pride, rejoices at your successes at work. Her blood pressure rose when your daughter, while on a trip, “disappeared from the radar” for several hours.
(from a conversation between a doctor and a patient)
Obviously, everyone wants the best for themselves. But because of misunderstandings between themselves, close people only ruin each other’s lives.
Paradoxes of relationships: if you don’t come in a good way, I’ll go into illness
In fact, parents of any age need attention first. Often the only way out is seen as illness, when children, willy-nilly, have to be nearby. Elderly parents should receive a basic sense of security and safety from their adult children. This does not mean that you have to sit holding your mother's hand. Naturally, it is necessary to provide medications and financial assistance. The main thing is the parents’ confidence that the child will help at the right moment.
Healthy, successful, fulfilled parents who are not yet old do not require anything supernatural. They want their children to do well. And they wouldn't create problems.
Children often say: “I helped my parents do this and that. Then they were happy. Now I have my own life and I don’t have the opportunity to help as before. They don't need anything. And they condemn me for not paying for their whims.”
In fact, this is not a relationship, but just a payoff. Parents need something completely different, although financial assistance is certainly important.
Give them the opportunity to take care of themselves
Worrying calls from your parents and treating you like a child (“Are you sure you packed your suitcase and put everything you need?”) can be annoying, and that’s normal. However, you should not give free rein to your emotions. The phrase about the fact that children remain children for parents at any age is a fact. In this way, they not only show their love, but also give themselves the opportunity to feel their strength and importance. Of course, you shouldn’t allow them to cross certain reasonable boundaries of your personal life, but you also shouldn’t deny them the opportunity to take care of you at least a little.
Your personal experience remains only with you
A big mistake many parents make is trying to scare their child with their life experiences, which are full of negativity. Yes, parents who have experienced defeat in life are trying to protect their beloved child from the same mistakes. Just don't do it in a critical manner.
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It’s better to advise something, admit that it didn’t work out for you and, most importantly, why. But under no circumstances insist that an adult abandon his idea. In the end, it might not work out for you, but your son or daughter might just get lucky. No - this will be his personal experience, which will help in some way or at least make the person stronger.
It’s even worse when a parent who has not achieved anything in life begins to persistently give out intrusive advice.
If you begin to persistently protect against “mistakes”, then you will find yourself guilty of not allowing you to try your luck. A wise parent lets their children fill their “bumps”, but always gives advice and, if suddenly something doesn’t work out, supports them morally, and does not reproach them with the phrase “I told you so.”
“Our grandmother is a brawler”
This is the letter that came to the editor: “I want to raise a topic related to domestic tyranny in the family, talk about my grandmother and ask for advice - how to live with an insane person under the same roof? Traces of beatings and rape can be witnessed and taken to the police, but where are the traces in the souls of people from threats, insults and swearing? There are three of us living - me, my mother and grandmother. She is 85 years old. Her arsenal includes malicious nagging and curses, threats to leave us, to deprive us of our help and will. Apparently, pride and selfishness, intolerance towards others and low intelligence take their toll. We live in terror of new scandals. Just please don’t say my name.”
The first thing that catches your eye in the letter is the author’s disrespect, anger, and irritability towards a loved one. The second important point: the author names the human qualities of the grandmother - complacency, contempt. But this means that these are precisely the traits that are present in the author, because we see in others only those qualities that we have in ourselves. If we do not possess certain qualities, then we do not see these qualities in others! Adults write that the old woman wants to deprive them of their apartment, pension, etc. So, in fact, they are using it all. Question: whose apartment and pension?
If life is unbearable under the same roof as an elderly person, do not live together! Rent an apartment.
And you can look after and take care of your grandmother from a distance - you can come yourself or hire a nurse. Otherwise, a strange situation arises - people complain, accuse the old woman of all mortal sins, but continue to live with her in her apartment. Without changing anything!
Recommendations for reconciliation of “warring” parties
In an attempt to correct the situation between grown children and parents, it is important to take into account the features of reconciliation. By adhering to the following recommendations, the result will definitely meet your expectations:
Find common ground - play sports, collect rare coins, get carried away by watching movies together. Create situations in which your communication is an inevitable occurrence. If you are in line to see a doctor, then even the most offended child will want to “exchange” 2-3 phrases. Correct mistakes in upbringing or behavior that you really regret making. The “warring” side will definitely appreciate the scale of reconciliation by moving towards it. Reinforce communication with positive memories, gradually forgetting about the negative “stamps” of the past. Be patient, because the process of reconciliation involves people with formed characters, worldviews and habits. Building relationships based on the principle of equality is an inappropriate solution. Parents a priori must have a certain authority in the minds of even a grown child. The first step is especially difficult, so you can take a similar action by writing a letter. You can refuse communication, but interest will not allow you to leave the message unread. In the process of reconciliation, children are advised to take into account the age of their parents, being lenient towards this factor. Support the “warring” side in a controversial issue at the round table, showing your favor. If a conflict is brewing during communication, then try to “cool down” your own ardor by preventing a quarrel with your loved one.
The relationship between adult children and their parents is a complicated story, the nuances of which are known only to its participants. Neither the child, nor the mother, nor the father will ever notify the environment about the intimate moments of the family hearth, so the services of a psychologist in such situations turn out to be meaningless.
It is important for children to remember how much pranks and pranks their parents had to endure in order to raise a healthy and successful personality. Imbued with touching emotions, go for a conversation with the people closest to you in your life.
