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Parents want their brothers and sisters to hold on to each other, but they constantly quarrel and fight. Psychologist Victoria Melikhova tells how to reconcile children in a family.
What parent doesn’t dream of his children living together, loving, respecting each other, and helping each other? But many children are brought to a psychologist, telling the opposite: they fight with their brother, take away toys from their sister, beat or even try to strangle a newborn baby.
Why do children get so much anger and aggression towards their siblings? What to do when children fight among themselves?
How does the elder feel: “You’re already an adult”
Let's imagine a situation: a baby is growing up, the only one and loved by all family members. All the attention of adults belongs to him, they share all the best with him, they love him, they pamper him.
A few years later someone else appears. From the only and beloved child turns into the “eldest”. They tell him: “You are already an adult, now your brother is little, you need to take care of him.” Now they give toys and candies not only to him, but also with the words: “Don’t be greedy, he’s small. Give it away, share it!” In the evening, instead of reading a book to him, his mother fiddles with this “screaming bundle,” and they tell him: “Go to sleep yourself, you’re not little.” And the worst thing is that now it will always be like this.
Loneliness, resentment, hopelessness, betrayal by those closest to you, anger, hatred... How many complex feelings fall on a child at once! He feels bad, hurt and offended. But instead of support, he hears: “You’re already an adult, you can handle it.” Only parents forget that this adult recently turned four years old.
But instead of support, he hears: “You’re already an adult, you can handle it.” Only parents forget that this adult recently turned four years old.
The child’s psyche is not yet able to adequately cope with such stress, so the baby defends himself as best he can.
He sees that mom and dad now belong not only to him. He feels that his toys and sweets are being taken away from him; everything dear and important to him now has to be shared with his brother. In addition, parents often instruct older children to look after younger ones, thereby shifting their parental functions to the child.
The brother, whom everyone loves so much, is perceived by the eldest child as an enemy, as a rival. With his appearance, all the good things in life disappeared. The child himself suddenly “matured” sharply and lost his status as the only one. Daily rituals, spending time with parents, to which the child is accustomed, are now in short supply... And he is also forced to take care of this creature.
The baby may even think: “What did I do that they suddenly got a brother? Am I really so bad that I need to be replaced, found better? It turns out that neither my mother nor my father needs me now, they now have a brother...”
Well, how can you love your brother? It is quite logical that the child will be jealous of the younger one and will begin to hate the newly emerged rival.
The baby may even think: “What did I do that they suddenly got a brother? Am I really so bad that I need to be replaced, someone better should find me?”
The mother of a five-year-old child says that with the advent of his younger brother, it was as if he had been replaced:
“He has become so capricious, he urgently needs those toys that the little one plays with, although before he did not remember them at all. We begin to swaddle the baby, he comes and lies down next to him so that they do the same with him. Where does such childhood jealousy towards a younger child come from? And the worst thing is that he seems to be deliberately trying to kill his brother! Once I caught him putting a pillow on his brother. The next day he tripped me when I was taking the baby for a bath, and I could barely resist. And a week ago I simply left the window open in the room where the baby was lying, although he perfectly understands that it’s winter outside...”
Such complaints are typical for mothers of two children.
How to resolve conflict between children in the family
It seems to me that the first step towards resolving the situation should be recognition of the son’s right to all the feelings and desires that he experiences, including those that are socially disapproved, unpleasant and that do not coincide with your expectations.
But emotions and behavior are not the same thing. You will have to bring the boy back to the idea again and again that you understand how angry/upset/scared he is, but you cannot allow him to harm himself or the baby. Just like you can't let her hurt him.
Perhaps it makes sense to introduce a temporary requirement not to approach the younger one at all: “You are angry with your sister (voice the feeling that, as you understand from previous experience in naming the boy’s states, is better) and you often offend her. I want us all to get some rest. Don't go near your sister at all. You can play with her later if you want.”
It is important that measures to suppress specific behavior do not actually mean deprivation of attention and contact. Simply driving away your son for torturing the baby means making the situation worse.
You just need to separate the children in space, but give something to both. Experiment with elements of massage and general variations on the theme of touching, hugging, active games and the like. When the little one requires care, you often don’t have the opportunity to take care of the older one. Your task is to saturate the boy with contact for future use, when he has a minute for it, and then it will be easier for him to meet you halfway and go through the moments when he needs to focus on the younger one.
How to teach children to live together and resolve conflicts without parental intervention - in the mini-course “Brothers and Sisters”
How the youngest feels: “You’re still small”
From fairy tales we know two images of younger children. This is either an ideal, kind, hardworking girl, her father’s favorite, who stands out against the background of her older evil sisters (for example, as in the fairy tale “The Scarlet Flower”), or the infantile, not brilliant Ivan the Fool.
If we analyze these images, we can say that the youngest children are the most beloved, who received the most parental attention, affection and care. They are an improved version of their older siblings. But, as a result, such children often grow up into infantile, dependent adults. It is for them that it is most difficult to separate from their parents and build an independent life. After all, it is difficult to let go of the best and most beloved child, and it is generally dangerous to let go of a “fool” who is unadapted to life.
If the youngest child is the favorite in the family, the older one is constantly forced to share with him, all the best is given to him. Whatever happens, it's all the elder's fault. What's the point of growing up then? After all, having matured, you can lose all privileges and become an “older” yourself. This is how the “not growing up” program is instilled in younger children.
Whatever happens, it's all the elder's fault. What's the point of growing up then? After all, having matured, you can lose all privileges and become an “older” yourself.
Younger children often become victims of aggression from older children. The elders mock, laugh at the younger ones, offend them. Often the younger child becomes the object of hatred of the older one. After all, he took away his parents and status in the family. The real object towards which all the negative feelings of the firstborn are directed are the parents. But they are older and stronger, his life depends on them. And their attention is now in short supply. What good will they refuse completely! Therefore, anger is shifted to the younger child. It is weaker, and you can “break away” with it. So the children quarrel among themselves: the eldest expresses anger at the parents who abandoned him, and the youngest defends the right to be himself, and not a “scapegoat” for the actions of his parents.
And who is easier in this fight is another big question.
Be fair
If your son whines or is indignant that you are again “messing with this one instead of him,” maybe whining or growling together is better than a thousand words? The secret of the operation is sincerity. You look at the situation differently and more broadly, but some part of you must truly share what is overwhelming the baby, otherwise instead of empathy you will get ridicule.
Seek and help your son see the benefits of adulthood. Not speculative, but very specific and really valuable to him. He is already allowed something that the younger one is forbidden; he has access to something exciting, but she does not. He must have personal space and the inviolability of personal belongings.
Look for reasons to show that the rules are the same for everyone, and you will protect him from the inappropriate actions of the little one with the same pressure and firmness as you protect her from him.
Of course, any correspondence advice is for informational purposes only. As they say, “there are contraindications, consultation with a specialist is necessary.”
If you feel that you cannot find the right line of behavior and simple self-information does not help, an in-person consultation will help you choose the techniques and approaches needed in your situation and hone the technique of their implementation.
What the average person feels: “The non-golden mean”
The most disadvantaged are the middle children. The eldest at one time managed to be the only one. And now he is older, stronger, more successful than the rest. He attracts the attention of his parents with his successes and achievements. The youngest is still just a baby. It is simply impossible not to notice him. He will get the right amount of attention by screaming and crying and will force his parents to be there at any cost.
The middle one did not have time to be the youngest, did not fully enjoy parental love. He still has to grow and grow to become a senior. He will never become more mature or stronger simply because he has less experience, he is younger.
Even if you think about the meaning of the word “average”, it means something in between, not good and not bad, nothing, “neither fish nor fowl”... So the child feels like nothing. Neither the older and successful ones, nor the younger and loved ones. He is simply not there, he is not noticed. Often, average people grow up to be closed, insecure, and prone to depression. Or, on the contrary, overly aggressive, embittered. It is the middle ones who can get sick more often than others, because how else can they get at least a little parental attention.
Psychologists explained how to get along with toxic relatives
Previously, they were called tyrants and energy vampires, but now they are called toxic people. After communicating with them we feel empty. Living under the same roof with such household members is fraught with scandals. Is it possible to distinguish a toxic person from a simple grumbler and how not to fall into his trap?
Photo: depositphotos/ArturVerkhovetskiy
Who needs conflict? Toxic behavior is a common phenomenon. A deeply offended person tries to hurt another so that he feels how bad he is. And if we react in the same toxic way, then after a while we will also find ourselves in this state,” says psychologist, teacher, professional astrologer Anna Guseva. – A toxic person is easy to distinguish from a lonely and offended person who simply shares his experiences, tired of problems. Toxic people are characterized by lies, hypocrisy, manipulation, and complaints. They like to say good things only about themselves, and if they have to say something about others, it is only in the form of gossip.”
A toxic person is able to disguise himself as a joker and a shirtless guy. He has a great sense of humor and an affable and friendly demeanor. But this is only an appearance. However, there are ways to determine who you are dealing with.
According to Anna Guseva, toxic people use conflict-generating phrases and words such as “you didn’t understand me,” “calm down,” “you must.” They often repeat: “I endured - and you endure!” They make negative statements and beliefs, such as: “We are all going to die!” They like to say: “You are the slowest one in our family.” Or with a negative attitude they say: “Everything like your mother!..” Or: “Everything like your father!..”
“Toxic people are identified by lies, hypocrisy, manipulation, provocation and complaining. An ordinary grunt is a little motor that hums harmlessly. He sees the world in black colors, he lacks harmony with the world around him, he is constantly dissatisfied with what he has. But his conflict is intrapersonal, it does not concern other people. And for a toxic person it is interpersonal, intergroup. Such a conflict spreads further to other people. An emotional reaction is important to a toxic person,” explains the psychologist.
Photo: depositphotos/olly18
Etiquette and neutrality Experts are sure that you can get along with a toxic person. But for this you need to work on yourself. “You have to believe that people change. Of course, you can reduce contact with a person to a minimum. But we must remember that a lot depends on us. There are developing individuals, and there are non-developing ones. If you are not ready to develop, you will break off the relationship and never understand what happened,” says Anna Guseva.
According to the psychologist, in order to get along with a conflicting relative, you yourself need to be an emotionally harmonious, holistic person. If you are developing as a person, then a toxic person is unlikely to be able to influence your emotions, because you will not react to his attacks. Therefore, you need to avoid conflicts and not go into negativity.
According to the specialist, the main methods in communicating with a toxic person are to adhere to the rules of etiquette and remain neutral. But it’s not worth acting on the principle of “you’re a fool” or proving something.
“You can’t react in a mirror way, stoop to his level. Don't expect the person to understand anything. If possible, we need to set and maintain personal boundaries and think about how we can benefit. A toxic person always shows you your weak points. Thanks to it, you can, for example, determine that you do not know how to say the word “no.” Or you are easy to manipulate. Or you tend to feel guilty. Or you don’t know how to respond to compliments. Mentally thank this person and work on yourself so as not to fall into his trap, advises Anna Guseva. – There is no need to get stuck in someone else’s swamp of negativity. You have to keep your thoughts and your space clean.”
Photo: depositphotos/yacobchuk1
Toxic relatives As noted by child and family psychologist, founder of the school for parents Ekaterina Madenko, in order to establish relationships with toxic relatives, you must first determine which of them fits this definition.
“As a rule, a toxic relative tries to control all areas of your life: work, relationships, interests. He certainly gives advice, emphasizing his importance and necessity. Able to keep you in suspense and manipulate your feelings of guilt. This is the behavior of a toxic person,” warns Madenko.
The psychologist suggests following certain rules for safe communication with such relatives.
“Keep as much distance as possible and limit your answers to specific informative words: “yes,” “no,” “fine,” “good,” “probably.” After the conversation, sit down and think about what you don’t like and how you would like to communicate with these people, advises a family psychologist. – Determine the topics you are ready to talk about with your relative – this is your “green zone.” Write down your thoughts. Mark these as boundaries for yourself. Further in the conversation, arrange them using stop phrases.
When the conversation enters the “red zone,” the psychologist recommends using a set of neutral phrases: “Are you probably worried about me?”, “Why are you asking now?”, “What do you mean?”, “Thank you for your concern, I’ll figure it out myself.” According to Madenko, in some cases the effect of a “broken record” is triggered.
“If the relative does not calm down, then you can repeat the phrases several times. The main thing is to leave behind unnecessary emotions,” says the specialist. – To protect yourself, it is not necessary to swear and scream from a feeling of guilt that is inflated to the scale of the Universe. Self-control, endurance and tactics can work wonders. Your toxic manipulator will have no choice but to resign, and the relationship will improve.”
Is it easy to be an arbitrator?
Of course, you won’t envy the parents of such children. After all, no matter how different and capricious they may be, these are all their own children, each of whom their parents love and appreciate, although they do it as best they can.
They find themselves between two or even three fires. Who should you support in a conflict, who should you stand up for, if they are all your own beloved children?
Often parents do not have time to realize the situation and succumb to stereotypes. They either take the side of the elder, because he is older, which means he must obey him. Either on the side of the younger one, because the younger ones need to be protected. Or they don’t interfere at all, they think it’s better to let the children figure it out themselves.
The practice of “verbal interventions”
On the other hand, develop the practice of “verbal interventions”. You can take care of the baby and say that you see your son. “I’m busy right now, you can draw, wash your dishes or play with the construction set. What will you choose?
When the boy begins to do something on his own and does not distract you, do not leave positive behavior unattended, describe it from time to time:
- Wow, I see you draw great lines: they're long and bright.
- Look how much foam you have on your sponge. I wonder if it's possible to soap a plate as much as your hands?
- Your tower is very high and level
You can show that you see emotions and appreciate how he copes with them and how he behaves when he manages to behave well: “I noticed that you miss you. Come on, I'll change the baby's clothes and we'll choose a book for you together. You can sit and wait for me (if the boy chose this, point out that you are glad how patiently the person sits and waits) or play with the cars (show interest: “You chose the red one. How fast does it go / how high does it climb in the garage “)” And so on without end and edge.
Not only a description of feelings, but also a statement of what the boy is doing shows that you notice him, that you are to some extent with him even when you do your own things with him. It happens that it brings relief to a person when someone is grieving or angry with him.
Diathesis and its causes
Atopic dermatitis (diathesis) is the most common allergic skin disease in children and adults, which is characterized by inflammation, itching, and a chronic relapsing course. Atopic dermatitis typically has different skin manifestations depending on the person's age. Let's look at it in more detail below.
Atopic dermatitis (diathesis) is the most common allergic skin disease.
Causes of diathesis
A special role in the development of the disease is played by the hereditary ability to develop allergic diseases.
The disease is also based on other causes, which can be divided into internal and external. Internal characteristics include the characteristics of the organism itself. External causes include those with which a person comes into contact from the outside.
Internal reasons
- Hereditary – determined ability of the body to increase the production of IgE (immunoglobulin, responsible in most cases for allergies).
- Increased, excessive reaction of the skin to irritants (allergens).
- Increased skin dryness.
- Violation of the epidermal barrier.
External reasons
- In children of the first years of life - food allergies, as well as intestinal dysbiosis, vaccination (DPT). It is important to emphasize that vaccination will not lead to the development of atopic dermatitis in every child. There is only a higher likelihood of developing this disease in children with a history of allergies.
- Preschool children have household and fungal allergens. Often the cause can be helminthiasis.
- In adolescence – stress, emotional experiences.
- The causes of diathesis in adults are a combination of the factors described above. This could be a food allergy, an allergy to flowering plants, a contact allergy (when allergens come into contact with the skin), stress, or emotional distress.
How to get rid of addiction: behavior modification technology 7Spsy
Getting rid of your addiction to forums and chats on your own without the participation of a specialist is a rather difficult task, and in some cases, unfortunately, completely impossible.
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If you realize that you cannot overcome your addiction to online communication without help, it is best to turn to psychologists. 7Spsy behavior modification technology is one of the effective ways to work with changing psychological attitudes. The 7Spsy course will help you get rid of Internet addiction and teach you how to communicate in reality. The method is based on the theory of reflexes of I. P. Pavlov and the theory of operant conditioning by B. Skinner. This behavior modification program lasts only 6 weeks. Moreover, the course is distance learning: you can study at a convenient time in a comfortable environment. Throughout the course, communication with a personal psychologist is expected. You can keep in touch with a specialist through any convenient communication channel: by phone, online chats or e-mail. It is possible to work with both adults and teenagers.
Living in the real world, communicating with your interlocutor face to face, learning to overcome disagreements in a live dialogue - all this is necessary for the harmonious development of the individual. Once you learn to maintain a balance between virtual and personal communication, you will immediately see how the quality of your life will change!
Sources:
1. Scientists: Gadgets interfere with the normal development of children’s bones and muscles (https://rg.ru/2016/07/03/gadzhety-meshaiut-normalnomu-razvitiiu-kostej-i-myshc-detej.html
2. Prophecies of “Black Mirror” (https://www.svoboda.org/a/28970804.html
3. Is “Internet Addiction” a disorder of its own? (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17546534
4. Young, K. S. (2000) Diagnosis - Internet addiction // Internet World. # 2. pp. 24-29
Pathological Internet use - what is it?
The term “pathological Internet use” was introduced by German psychologist Sylvia Kratzer in 2008 to denote a pronounced tendency to hyperactive communication in chats and forums, which acquires the characteristics of addiction. According to Sylvia, the pathological craving for communication on the Internet is a consequence of mental disorders. Silvia and a group of scientists involved 61 subjects in her study. Among them were patients registered as outpatients with a diagnosis of Internet addiction, and volunteers found through advertisements. The subjects went through several stages of interviews, testing and special Internet diagnostics, after which they were divided into two groups: those who use the Internet pathologically, and those who use Internet resources rationally. In the first group, 27 out of 30 subjects were diagnosed with mental disorders. In the second, mental problems were diagnosed in only 7 out of 31 subjects. Under conditions of limited access to forums and chats, mentally ill people showed signs of depressive syndrome and experienced feelings of fear and anxiety. [3]
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