Many people perceive love as some kind of external force. It “pierces us like an arrow” or “covers us like an element.” It seems that nothing depends on us and we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. However, such a belief prevents you from seeing your actions from the outside and changing something for the better.
“I took for granted that in the end I would be abandoned, that everything would end in failure,” recalls psychologist Raquel Peel, who, in her own words, engaged in “romantic self-sabotage” for quite a long time. Driven by a feeling of doom, she ended the relationship as soon as the slightest difficulties arose. Many people do the same without realizing the reasons, and there may be several of them.
Causes of disturbance and encroachment
Anxiety in relationships is common to all people. At the beginning of dating, partners are just beginning to get to know each other. A person cannot read minds, so he thinks out what is happening at his own discretion. Often inferences are harmful to both because they may be wrong from the start.
There are 5 main reasons for problems in relationships:
- mistrust - if you are not able to accept your own feelings, then you also cannot trust the girl;
- low self-esteem - you deny that the smart, beautiful woman you are dating can be seriously interested in you;
- silence - the inability to literally ask about everything that worries you;
- past experience - previous relationships have created anxiety that things won’t work out again;
- unsolicited advice from loved ones - if you listen to other people’s opinions, there is a possibility of making erroneous judgments about your beloved.
Experiences lead to panic manifestations and nervous disorders.
Don't woo women, make them woo you instead.
Grooming is one of the most toxic things you can do at the beginning of a relationship.
Once you start being the “good guy,” it's over.
If you disagree with this, then answer me this question: how many women have you pursued with regular calls, messages and begging them to go on a date.
And how many of these girls did you end up sleeping with?
Let me guess - none of them, right?
So why do you persist in doing this?
This is an unconscious reaction and you cannot control it.
The fact is that the harder you pursue a woman and the more you invest in your relationship, the more you want to get a return and go crazy about it.
Better devote your time to work.
Chase your dream of learning something new.
If you take an ordinary girl you like and start pursuing her, she will immediately turn into the girl you really want and are crazy about.
This is how the feeling of falling in love arises.
You stop objectively assessing her as a person, idealize her, convince yourself that she is ideal.
“Tour Guide” and “Shopper Man” are chasing my friend’s ideas.
Another fetishist guy barely knows my girlfriend, met her only once at some party, but for some reason got into his head the idea that he fell in love with her at first sight.
Don't chase women. It kills their attraction to you and destroys your self-esteem.
The more persistently you chase after her, the faster she runs away.
Instead, I recommend you do the following:
- Keep it simple, direct and to the point.
- Use text messages and phone calls only at the initial stage of meeting a girl.
- Send her text messages or call her only to set up dates and clarify coordinates. Seduce her in person, not over the phone.
- Try to quickly develop your relationship. Show your sexual interest right away so that she doesn’t perceive you as a “good friend.”
- If you have mutual friends and you have known her for a long time, then try to get her out of the company and be alone.
- Try to sleep with a girl on the first date. Why? Because she is interested in you, and there is a good chance that everything will work out for you. In addition, the likelihood of sex on the first date is much higher than on the second and, even more so, on the third. Even conservative girls sleep with guys on the first date if they want it.
- A few notes on this: don't ask girls how they feel about quick sex. The answer is obvious - they will immediately begin to pretend to be virgins. And before you say that no decent girl would want to have sex on the first date, answer me this question: how many attempts have you had?
- You can immediately tell her: “Okay, if you don’t sleep with me after the third date, then you don’t like me, so there’s no point in continuing this relationship.” If she doesn’t agree, delete her number and forget about it.
- Once you have set a specific period for yourself to start sexual relations, for example, after the second or third date, add a conditional exception. I have a few exceptions to the first date rule. If a girl is truly unique and I really like her, then I might go out with her one or two more times, even if we don't sleep on the first date. But I will try to do it!
Therefore, if a girl didn’t want to sleep with me on the first date, I immediately switch my attention to another.
And if she writes a message that she wants to meet, I answer: “Honestly, I have a lot of work lately, I don’t have a minute of free time. But at the end of the day I can relax a little. You can come to my place in the evening, we will cook something delicious or order pizza, and then just relax and watch a movie. You agree?"
This immediately eliminates more than half of those who want to use me as a friend.
Only those who really like you and see you as a lover or potential boyfriend will agree.
If you start living by these rules, you will be able to keep your cool much easier, this will greatly simplify your relationships with girls and increase the positive outcome of your dates.
You'll start having sex with a lot of really wonderful and sought-after girls.
Now some will disagree with me and say: “How can an aggressive approach and disdainful attitude towards girls attract them? Girls who know their worth will never pay attention to a guy who doesn’t look after them.”
And this is a completely understandable point of view.
This is why I recommend doing it this way:
Think about what happens when you meet an amazing girl that you really like.
Most likely, she is very beautiful, perhaps she has an amazing character. And what are you doing?
You act very carefully and try not to spoil anything.
And as a result, you will lose her.
She will disappear, and you will go crazy and wonder why she is not responding to your messages.
This is exactly what happened to my subscriber, which we talked about at the beginning of this post.
So why does such a casual approach help you get girls?
Because even incredibly beautiful girls with a bright personality and wonderful character still remain just girls.
And they all react to the same thing.
They need a courageous guy who knows what he wants and quickly moves towards his goal.
If you court her for a long time and stagnate in one place, you will remain just a friend to her.
Don't be one of those indecisive guys.
Don't chase women, don't go crazy dreaming about that one special girl.
Understand that after a certain point it is lost to you forever.
If you continue to pursue her, it will be like trying to get a job offer again if the position is already taken.
Of course, if you besiege the office of this company for days, perhaps they will accept you.
But not a fact. And if you pursue a girl like crazy, she will most likely distance herself from you even more.
It sucks to hear that, I know.
You spend a huge amount of time, effort, money and energy courting her, trying to get her, and she dates other guys and keeps you in the background “just in case.”
But the reassuring thing is that next time you will do the right thing.
Yes, you have had women in the past whom you lost because of your slowness and indecisiveness.
But look around and you will see many beautiful, single women who are waiting for your invitation not only for a date, but also for bed.
Just make sure you take advantage of this opportunity and take your relationship in the right direction.
How paddocks appear
The guy is nervous, makes annoying mistakes that cause confusion and irritation in the girl. Main features of pens:
- calls (even in the middle of the night), messages - this is how anxiety about being abandoned manifests itself if your loved one does not get in touch for a long time;
- jealousy - unfounded claims against a partner;
- constant search for new entertainment so as not to seem boring;
- requirement for confirmation of feelings - frequent questions “do you love me” with or without reason;
- negative mood - “I’m not good enough, what should I do to become better”;
- fear of recognizing love - “what if she starts using me, or worse, laughing.”
This behavior causes misunderstanding in the couple. It is especially strange for a girl if a man rushes the development of a relationship. He wants a quick disclosure of feelings, without checking the compatibility of characters. A mentally healthy partner does not rush things, so the guy begins to push himself.
What to do to stop undermining relationships
Understand your attachment type
According to attachment theory, How your attachment style impacts your relationship / Psychology Today there are four of them: secure, anxious, anxious-avoidant, avoidant-rejecting. Ideally, it would be nice to have a reliable one. People with this type of attachment feel that they can trust others and remain themselves, even in close relationships.
“Attachment patterns established in childhood are replicated in all relationships,” says How to avoid sabotaging your relationship / Psychology Today Rhonda Milrad, a psychotherapist who specializes in relationship problems. “People who have been abandoned by their parents, who have experienced trauma, or a violation of personal boundaries are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles, which makes it difficult for them to trust their partners.”
For example, the parent was either attentive or cold. The child could not foresee what reaction his actions would cause. Because of this, an anxious type of attachment may develop, which is characterized by a need for frequent reassurance from a partner.
However, the type of attachment is not something immutable. According to Milred, you can develop a more reliable type by working with your fears and getting rid of false beliefs about relationships.
Don't be fooled
