Close the gestalt in relationships: how to do it right

The term "gestalt" translated from German means "image". In our lives, it is most often found in combination with the word “unfinished.” This designation indicates a complete unresolved problem from the past, an unprocessed psychological trauma, when we broke up with someone, suppressed an existing feeling, did not fulfill a promise given to another person, did not finish something and did not receive enough warmth from him. This left a heavy emotional residue on the subconscious level, which poisons further life and prevents the building of normal relationships in the future. Closing the gestalt in a relationship means working through your past, reconfiguring and restarting it in your mind.

What is an “unclosed gestalt”

“Incompleteness” in a relationship between a man and a woman is a serious emotional problem. There is a whole section dedicated to it in psychology. When it is present, there is always a desire to receive what was not given, to say what was not said. Only with the help of awareness and completion of the ended connection can you work through a difficult situation, restore internal balance and begin to build an ideal union, the stumbling block for the development of which was an unfinished romance. If you don’t do everything in your power and don’t close the gestalt in your relationship with a man, it will be extremely difficult to move on in life.

The logical conclusion of a love affair will help you achieve spiritual harmony. A closed problem means an opportunity to start life anew and not repeat the mistakes made in the past. If she remains open, the woman will constantly drag a bunch of old problems into the new union and then wonder why the same negative thing constantly happens. The concept of “closing the gestalt of past relationships” means deeply working through the past and reconfiguring it in your mind. Completely getting rid of incompleteness means that a woman should:

• Re-live the disappointment.
• Finish general business.
• Express dissatisfaction and anger.

Completing past love is difficult work on oneself, after which it will be possible to start a new life without the presence of moments in it that cause moral discomfort and dissatisfaction.

Unfinished relationship syndrome and mental disorder

An unfinished relationship with a man or woman does not bode well if everything is left to chance. Adele syndrome is a mental disorder, the distinctive feature of which is the presence of love addiction and painful passion for the object of affection. It manifests itself as constant attempts to pursue the object of desire, a desire to participate in his life, a decrease in interest in other things, favorite activities, hobbies, and a reluctance to make new acquaintances. In this case, professional help from a specialist is already required; in especially severe forms, drug treatment is prescribed.

The consequences of an unfinished relationship for a man can be more painful, since representatives of the stronger sex try to hide or drown out the experiences themselves, and do not give vent to emotions, like girls. In addition, the occurrence of such situations greatly affects self-esteem, which immediately affects all areas of life and self-realization.

The occurrence of the effect of unfinished relationships is associated with the presence of an unclosed gestalt, especially if this situation is not repeated in life for the first time. Each person is able to cope with the problem on their own, but this does not exclude your right to turn to a highly qualified specialist for help.

Allow yourself to be happy now, don't live in the past!

The Hidden Danger of Incompleteness

Complaints that all past partners cheated on a woman, did not appreciate her, and did not pay enough attention can often be heard. It is worth remembering that if in close relationships with different people the same negative situations arise over and over again, this means that there are mistakes in your behavior with your partner. You are constantly doing something wrong and, most likely, you are not doing anything about getting rid of incompleteness in the past. This situation may threaten you:

• pessimism;
• general dissatisfaction with life;
• internal psychological discomfort;
• mental disorders – apathy, depression;
• failures in all love affairs;
• lack of readiness for a new connection;
• the constant presence of mistrust and fears towards the new lover.

If the gestalt remains open, most of the mental energy is spent constantly maintaining the illusion of a love connection that does not exist. The mental and physical resources of women who have a history of “incompleteness” are depleted, which provokes a decrease in concentration, the appearance of irritability and insomnia.

How to recognize that you have an unfinished gestalt

To understand that you have become addicted to past love, it is not necessary to consult a psychologist. It is enough to be attentive to your psychological state. This will allow you to notice the appearance of several disturbing emotional symptoms, indicating the presence of “unfinished work”. You can understand that you are still in captivity of the past by the following signs:

• Memories of your ex-partner cause a persistent feeling of resentment. Only their disappearance can indicate complete liberation from a painful connection.
• All newly emerging relationships with men have the same development scenario.
• The desire to compare your former and current lover persists.
• There's always this urgent need to talk about him, even if you're telling your next girlfriend what an ass he was.
• Regularly search for information about your lover who left you through friends or social networks.
• Friendship with his relatives.

All this gives some semblance of closeness and kinship with the former partner, but provokes the emergence of severe mental anguish. You can continue to live such a life for years and not take into account the arguments of reason. However, if at some point you feel a desire to free yourself from the influence of someone who abandoned you, you should understand that the time has come to complete this gestalt, leaving everything in the past in the past.

Steps to the logical end as a path to freedom

No psychotherapist will help if a person devotes all his free time to mental suffering. Only constant work on one’s own behavior and self-control will be the main step towards liberation:

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1. Changing route and habits. Perception and memory are influenced not only by the image of a person, but also by smells, sounds, music or surroundings. Psychologists recommend not visiting places dear to your heart, so as not to reinforce your emotions.
2. Destruction of "relics". It is advisable to get rid of things and significant gifts in one fell swoop, otherwise trinkets and photographs will remind you of past love.
3. Psychological method “Empty chair”. It is necessary to imagine your ex-partner sitting opposite - and tell him everything that is painful. It is necessary to voice grievances, complaints, talk through critical moments in relationships in order to let go of painful relationships.

If your imagination is tight or it’s difficult to talk to an empty space, you can express yourself in writing. The main task is not to send a message under any circumstances, so as not to provoke a real showdown. By writing down grievances, you can become aware of the existing problems that are preventing you from moving forward.

What does the concept of “close the gestalt” mean?

This thesis means that you must achieve, on a subconscious level, the disappearance of the need to spend energy replaying past situations and the experiences that accompany them. After this, you will be able to continue living a full life now and here, to create and build. To do this, you need to understand what exactly is left unfinished in your past, accept and work through it. For example, you notice that all your relationships with men have the same scenario:

1. You meet a man and begin to demand that he show you care and attention in everything, 24 hours a day.
2. After some time, the love affair ends.
3. You meet a new party, and the situation repeats itself exactly.

In this case, you need to think about what unfinished process remains in the past and forces you to regularly play this scenario. Who didn't give you enough care and love? You can correct the situation only by understanding which circumstance from the past has not been completed by carrying out psychological work with it.

What methods does a Gestalt therapist use in his work?

During psychotherapeutic sessions, the client is encouraged to share sincere emotions with the psychologist, answer questions and receive feedback.

Psychologists in the Gestalt approach use the following methods:

• working with feelings;
• exercises and tests to express your state through body movements;
• analysis of dreams and memories;
• creating and playing out situations and sensations with the participation of fictional characters.

According to the principle of Gestalt therapy, the main conditions for a happy life are the completion of unfinished business and the client’s awareness of his desires and actions, therefore, in the first stages of work, the therapist tries to lead the patient precisely to the moment of understanding his problem and the reasons that caused it, and at the end of therapy, to teach him take full responsibility for your decisions and actions in order to be able to independently correct difficult moments in your future life and live through events to the end.

Our course will help you master the technique of the Gestalt approach - in just 4 months, experienced teachers will tell you about all existing methods of Gestalt therapy, and after passing the final certification, you will receive a diploma of the established form and will be able to work as a consulting psychologist yourself.

How to independently close the gestalt in an ended love affair

You have serious work to do on yourself, which consists of working through the past and reconfiguring it in your consciousness. Such work will lead to changes in relationships with others and an improvement in the quality of life, but it means getting rid of psychological trauma, and therefore is painful and unpleasant. Not everyone can do this psychological work and close the gestalt on their own at once.

It is very important that you be able to give yourself the opportunity to immerse yourself in a situation that has remained unresolved and brings mental anguish, as many times as it takes to finally exhaust it. The best way to get rid of “unfinished projects” is to finish what you started. In our case, this is the final end of the relationship with a former loved one, independently dotting all the i's.

However, it is not always possible to do this in reality, so psychologists recommend resorting to psychological techniques in such a situation that can provide real help. There are three of them:

1. We need to start working through one of the situations lying on the surface that is currently causing concern. They are easy to detect: it is necessary to write down on paper everything that touches a nerve, provokes the appearance of indignation and irritation, deep melancholy.
2. Think through and list point by point what you specifically don’t like in the past situation, how exactly everything should have been, what the broken love could have taught you, what life experience it gave you. After receiving all the information about the perfect development and completion of the situation being overcome, you need to dive into it as deeply as possible and relive the pain. During re-living, it is necessary to throw out those emotions and feelings that you wanted to get rid of, but were unable to do so.
3. Reconsider your life from the experience gained, if not all of it, but at least the main points.

This tactic of closing the gestalt on relationships allows you to reduce the perception of yourself as a victim, get rid of the feeling of your own worthlessness and helplessness, and change your ideas about your personality. At the same time, you will begin to feel like a more experienced, confident and wise person.

Why is it necessary to close the gestalt?

Here we immediately encounter a misconception. The fact is that it is advisable to close the gestalt, but it is not at all necessary. Sometimes a problem simply does not have a solution, there is no point in struggling with it. You just need to abandon the question and change your life guidelines taking into account the current situation. It is important to realize that previous tasks have simply ceased to be relevant at this stage; leaving them is much better than being tormented by the incompleteness of an already unimportant task.

Closing the gestalt is important for several reasons:

• Maintaining mental health . Gestalt psychologists believe that human needs can sequentially replace each other if satisfied. This applies to both natural needs (hunger, thirst), and some plans for life, aspirations. If the gestalt has not been closed, then the resources of the body and brain are spent on it. This affects mental health with feelings of anxiety, unresolved anger, pain and other emotions.
• Getting organized and completing things . Soviet psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik discovered the effect of special memorability of unfinished actions more than a few years ago. The essence of this phenomenon is the desire of our brain to complete what it has started, concentrating precisely on this. An unclosed gestalt takes maximum attention, but this can interfere with other, pressing tasks. An example of the Zeigarnik effect is waiters who remember current orders, but immediately forget about closed ones. This is why it is important not to delay completing things that are important to you. They not only harm the psyche, but will also interfere with doing other things.
• Calmness and a feeling of control over the situation . Predictive coding theory teaches that the brain wants to learn to predict situations as best as possible. And if the attempt was successful, then as a reward for this the body produces a portion of the pleasure hormone, dopamine. Isn't it nice when everything happens exactly as you expected? A problem solved on time also brings satisfaction and a feeling that the action was correct, because the brain’s predictions came true.

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Help from specialists

If you can’t cope with all this on your own, then seek help from a psychologist or other specialist who can help you forget about the “unfinished business.” Psychologists who help get rid of the negativity of a broken love relationship, which disrupts the quality of life, use various Gestalt therapy techniques. They are helping:

• develop consciousness;
• survive painful mental conditions and get rid of the burden of the problem;
• forget about your gestalt forever;
• start a life unencumbered by past problems with a new partner or restore an alliance with a former loved one on your own terms.

Typically, specialists use only gentle approaches in their work and gradually, without trauma to the psyche, free clients from the shackles of the past.

Gestalt therapy: alone or with a psychologist

You can practice Gestalt therapy on your own, but there are cases when the help of a professional is needed, namely:

• you have frequent stressful situations;
• you have difficulties communicating with loved ones;
• you have difficulty adapting to a new environment;
• you have long-term depression;
• you are a victim of violence (mental or physical);
• you have suffered a bereavement;
• you have phobias;
• you cannot achieve your goal;
• you cannot satisfy your desire;
• you cannot live for today;
• you cannot understand your feelings and sensations.

In these cases, the help of a Gestalt therapist will be very necessary; it is important to find a good specialist so that the effectiveness of the sessions is as high as possible.

Some nuances of closing the gestalt

Spiritual Economics testifies: “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and prudence” (NRT, 2 Tim. 1:7).” This quotation from Scripture teaches that everything divine that is in man is manifested in a bright mind, fortitude and love. Such a weapon will help you overcome all doubts and even painlessly escape from a dead-end relationship. The main thing is not to forget about it and use it for good.

If you can close the gestalt of the former relationship, another interesting effect will open: when we begin to free the mental field from the image of the ex-boyfriend, to separate from him, for some reason he himself begins to look for a meeting and conversation. He seems to feel that he has been forgotten and, either having rethought everything, or not wanting to be abandoned, he strives to return your affection and love.

Only you can decide what to do with it. However, if you don’t mind resuming your relationship with your ex, listen to a few tips from psychologists and take them into account:

• You can’t immediately open your soul to meet him.
• The person who once abandoned you must make an effort, somehow invest in your union in order to get you back.

Otherwise, you will be faced with a repetition of the old scenario, but this should be a completely different, new and necessarily good story. Let's turn to the wisdom of the ages. In Spiritual Economics there is the following postulate: “In the same way, husbands should love their wives, love them as they love their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself." (NRT, Eph. 5:28). This means that the partner must respect and love his woman. And if your past relationship was toxic, you need to work through it on a subconscious level and change it so as not to fall into the same rake with your ex again. Even if you can’t be together, there is a chance to let new, but full-fledged, healthy relationships into your life.

What will get rid of the oppressive problem?

You may suffer endlessly from déjà vu. The constant repetition of negativity between partners will not go away until you think about how to close the gestalt in the relationship and begin to put your thoughts into action. Only after getting rid of the unfinished business from the past will you have a real opportunity to start life with a clean slate and build relationships as a couple not the way they once were, but the way you want.

It is important not to forget the wisdom of Spiritual Economy. It contains the following postulate: “Husband, show your wife due favor; likewise is a wife like her husband” (NRT, 1 Cor. 7:3). This is a statement that relationships should be with giving and reciprocity. That is, the wife must receive from her husband everything that is due to her, and respond in kind. Achieving this will become possible after closing the gestalt of the former relationship.

If you realize that your current relationship needs a reboot, pay attention to our course “How to create a harmonious relationship in which there is romance, and you are supported, understood and heard.” He will help you understand what is currently dragging you down and get rid of the burden of problems, building a happy union filled with love and respect.

My recommendations

Our psyche does not tolerate incompleteness and uncertainty. Subconsciously we strive for comfort and stability. Therefore, we will try to satisfy the need from an open gestalt. But isn't it better to do this consciously? And here's how:

• clearly describe what is bothering you;
• identify the main need;
• satisfy her.

For example, you are still worried that your parents did not buy you a toy or did not allow you to enroll in a music club and instead sent you to drawing. Buy a toy now for yourself, learn to play a musical instrument on your own, “finish off” the gestalt according to the scheme that we discussed above, and continue to live happily. Everything here is more or less simple and clear.

But what if the gestalt is associated with something intangible, for example, with a cruel attitude of your parents towards you, with dismissal or breakup of a relationship without an explanation? The working principle is the same, but it will take more time. You cannot force another person to be with you or behave differently towards you, you cannot change another.

What does it mean to close the gestalt? In simple words and accessible language, this means satisfying a significant need inherent in it, completing the task. This applies to both the material and the spiritual:

1. You worry that you didn’t get enough care from your parents as a child. Write down what you understand to be caring and give it to yourself.
2. Are you worried that you never confessed your love to some girl? Do it now or use the writing technique (depending on the big picture, current circumstances in general).
3. You still don’t understand why someone stopped communicating with you? Ask him about it or mentally construct a dialogue and tell yourself what you want to hear.
4. Are you worried that you didn't give a book to the library when you were a child? Take it now or donate some books to another library.
5. Did your parents forbid you everything as a child? Allow yourself now to live in accordance with your desires. Please note: do not act to spite your parents or try everything, but turn only to what meets your desires, helps develop abilities, etc.

Any situation can be analyzed and resolved this way. The main thing is to analyze and delve into what bothers you.