From this article you will learn:
- Why is it difficult to get a man to have a frank conversation?
- Discussing what topics men are afraid of
- What to do before you take a man out for a conversation
- What words should you avoid when talking to a man?
- How a woman should behave when talking to a man
How to talk to a man about relationships
If difficulties arise in the relationship, you need to talk to the man about the relationship, choose the right time for this and think in advance about what you will talk about.
Otherwise, the conversation may develop into a quarrel consisting of mutual accusations. A serious conversation is necessary in case of loss of mutual understanding, if one of the partners has cheated, or if there is physical or psychological violence in the family. This conversation will either change the situation or the relationship will end.
You should talk in a calm environment. Timing is also of great importance. You cannot start a conversation with a hungry, tired or in a hurry husband. Both should be calm and ready for a serious dialogue.
The main key to a healthy relationship is mutual understanding, respect and mutual support.
Preparation
In the rules of a serious conversation with a man, the emphasis is on preparing a conversation scenario and choosing a place. Another extremely important fact is timing. This is where the most common fatal mistakes occur. It is forbidden:
- starting a conversation in bed/car - in the first case, thoughts on the bed should focus on love, but in the second, it’s simply not safe;
- in a hurry - a man is getting ready for work/is late for a plane, and then his wife shows a desire to communicate, irritation, aggression, and subsequent “eating” of herself are guaranteed;
- before dinner - the grandmothers used to say that a man needs to be fed, then talk;
- together with another activity - you need a calm environment where both partners can concentrate, so repairing the sink is not the best time.
In general, a heart-to-heart conversation should be held in a cafe, restaurant, or while walking in the park. Anywhere, but not within our own walls. This will allow you to speak more quietly and control raging emotions. Preparation and speaking out the preliminary script, by the way, contribute a lot to this. Firstly, it allows you to formulate your thoughts precisely and not deviate from the goal. Secondly, think through actions for different turns of events. Well, first go through the stress by talking through what you have accumulated in order to be restrained and constructive.
How to get a man to talk about relationships
Sometimes you can’t get a man to have a frank conversation, then you have to cheat a little.
Don't use the expression “we need to talk.” Having heard it, men begin to imagine various undesirable situations - you are pregnant, you have someone else. We need to find workarounds.
For example, your loved one is no longer as attentive as before, and you are wondering why this is happening. To find out this before you bring him into a frank conversation, remember the best times and, as if by chance, think out loud: “I wonder why everything changes in life.” Perhaps your loved one would like to talk about this topic.
The conversation will be successful if you choose your words correctly and are not too emotional. When starting a conversation, do not glare at him, he will feel uncomfortable. It is best to talk in his arms, so he will be more frank.
When asking a question, do not rush him; it is possible that he will not immediately join the conversation. He needs time to think.
The relationship between spouses is a joint work of two people when they discuss life issues together. And what worries one should also worry the other. If your partner is not interested in your problems, then his intentions are not too serious.
White flag
Again, the invaluable observations of John Goth: successful couples, unlike dysfunctional ones, seemed to throw out a “white flag” during a quarrel - they said something reconciling, suddenly joked and even stuck out their tongues. If the “white flag” was accepted by the other side, the tension dropped sharply.
One of my favorite “white flags” - it seems to be already built into my DNA, I throw it out fully automatically - is recognition and confirmation: of my partner’s contribution, his efforts, his feelings, his good intentions. I call such phrases fire extinguishers for quarrels.
“I know you’re very tired too.”
“I remember how toys on the floor irritate you.”
“I understand that you wanted the best and tried very hard.”
“Of course, you also wish the best for our son. I know".
“Yes, I understand why you don’t like to talk about it.”
The “white flag” can also be non-verbal, without words: pour tea for your husband, come up and bury your forehead in his shoulder, smile.
It is important not only to wave the “white flag” yourself - to say or do something that would make your partner understand: I do not see you as an enemy. It is also very important to be able to discern the “white flag” when someone else is waving it. And accept it, wave back.
Rules for frank conversation
In order for the conversation to be effective, you must adhere to certain rules.
Be sincere
Frankness allows partners to understand their relationship. But the conversation is not always positive, and then the wife and husband become more and more distant from each other.
Not every person can talk frankly, even if he understands that there are many unresolved problems that have accumulated, and they cannot be solved silently. This may be due to a lack of trust in the partner or lack of self-confidence.
Forget about past grievances
Often during a dialogue a woman behaves incorrectly. The relationship between the spouses is already tense to the limit, and she begins to remember how her husband once offended her. And he withdraws into himself, because all this happened a long time ago, and he does not want to consider himself guilty. And there is already plenty of negativity in life.
And if he knows you well and understands that after hearing his revelations, you will reproach him in the future, you will not expect the truth from him. Calmly remember what happened then, who was to blame for it, and think about how you would behave in that situation. Try to analyze everything and understand that you are both to blame for what happened.
Forgive your loved one and forget about what happened. What happened is gone and don’t remember it anymore. The resentment will go away, and life will sparkle with bright colors. Over time, all the bad things will be forgotten and lose their significance.
Learn to listen to others
Try to accept your loved one with his habits and weaknesses. If he shares his problems with you, do not brush him off, but listen and, if possible, help.
Treat him with respect, your relationship should be built on sincerity and mutual understanding. Give each other tenderness, kindness and love and all this will come back to you doubly.
End the conversation on a positive note
Positivity is something positive. In modern realities, it serves to simplify speech and shorten the phrases “positive emotions”, “positive result”, “positive energy”.
Source Wikipedia
If you managed to get a man to have a frank conversation, tell him that you value your relationship with him, you want to live a long, happy life with him and will try to avoid conflict situations.
The main thing is that your conversation has a positive attitude. By pouring out your soul to each other and talking, you will help each other get out of the crisis situation that has arisen in your relationship.
If frank conversations become commonplace in your family, not a single quarrel will become a reason for breaking off relations.
Do you want a decent man? Then remember this phrase: “I like you, I’m interested in you.”
There is a myth that you don’t need to confess your sympathy to a man, he himself must take the first step, under no circumstances should you take the first step. When someone chooses you, then you will choose him. And you don’t have to choose anyone first. And I like it because a lot of girls think like that. It is very scary for them to take the first step. But providing for a man when he lives at her expense, when he is a gigolo, when he is lying on the couch, cannot provide for children - this is normal. But the first step is no, what are you talking about? Therefore, if you want a normal man, you should be able to pronounce this phrase or at least write it on social networks: “Hello, I liked you,” “Hello, I liked you as a man,” “Hello, I am interested in you as a man.” This is the first phrase, write it down for yourself, and, of course, try it. Right now you can use it somewhere on social networks, in SMS, in messenger, in Viber.
Do you want to know what a man needs to make you happy? Sign up for a free online course Man: honest instructions
- End the conversation on a positive note.
If you managed to bring the man to a sincere conversation, make it clear that the relationship is dear to you, you dream of a happy continuation, and you will go to great lengths to resolve any conflicts.
The main thing in a conversation is the right, positive attitude.
Remember: by talking frankly, answer the questions that have been bothering you, strengthen your relationship with your partner and begin to develop them without repeating the mistakes you made.
In any case, it is necessary to pour out your soul to each other. And the conversation should not be perceived as a problem, let it become one of the ways out of the crisis that has matured in the relationship.
It would be good if frank conversations became commonplace. Any situation can be taken under control by sitting at the table of peaceful negotiations. If this becomes a tradition in the family, not a single serious storm will become a reason for separation.
Thank you for reading this article to the end.
Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!
How to figure out a relationship with a man without a quarrel
Family problems will still have to be resolved, otherwise quarrels may begin because of them.
How to find out the relationship peacefully?
- To begin with, forget about aggression, learn to calm yourself down and not say too much in the heat of the moment;
- Clarify the relationship in a calm tone, without hysterics, shouting and insults;
- Learn to find compromises;
- Clearly voice your complaints, present reasonable arguments, because your partner will not understand anything from the phrase “when will this finally end”, he is not clairvoyant
- Figure out why the problem occurred. If you cannot talk calmly, it means that the person is annoying and unpleasant to you. Then what is the point in further relations with him? Scandals lead to the destruction of relationships, therefore, if you want to maintain the relationship, you must treat your partner with respect.
Watch your emotions and speech, and over time it will become a habit.
Rules of female behavior
In most cases, the woman initiates a serious conversation about feelings. It is traditionally believed that the emotional component of the couple is nourished on it. This should clearly indicate the understanding that a man will not understand the sudden onset of hysteria and will shut down if a woman immediately accuses him of all the sins of the period they lived together. Men need specifics, their own approach. Hence a number of basic rules on how to have a serious conversation with a man:
- stick to the goal - if He devotes little time to his family, there is no need to remember drunken antics / a glance at a neighbor;
- presumption of innocence - those who are going to engage in exposure should remember that accusations require evidence, a recording of a conversation, a screenshot of correspondence, panties in your pocket, until guilt is proven, the culprit does not confess, emotions should be restrained;
- respect - insults and humiliation are unacceptable for constructive dialogue;
- acceptance of your feelings - you need to know exactly what you feel about this matter, resentment, anger, disappointment, and only then seek understanding of thoughts about the future;
- the emphasis on yourself is not “you ruined my life,” but “I feel lonely, we rarely see each other, and I want to change this.”
How to talk to a girl about relationships seriously
If you have been in a relationship with a girl for some time, then sooner or later you will have to start a conversation about the future. And although this conversation makes you afraid, it is the only way to understand whether your expectations are aligned.
How to discuss your problems without ruining your relationship?
Don't talk about relationships vaguely
If you are not sure of your feelings and think that you will not have a long and strong relationship with this girl, say so right away. There is no need to pretend and remain silent about your real feelings. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to say.
There is no need to be afraid of scandal. The main thing is to say it honestly and tactfully - then the girl will understand you and respond adequately to your words.
Don't panic if your plans differ
Let's say that the girl is not going to get married in the near future. And you decided to propose to her. Be patient and try to talk about this topic delicately and without criticism.
Over time, people's opinions change, so do not rush to break off relations with a girl because your plans do not coincide.
Specify approximate deadlines
It’s somehow uncomfortable and scary to talk about marriage and future children. But this topic should not be ignored. Don't be afraid to tell the truth that you are not yet ready for a serious relationship. But we need to set approximate dates for when we can talk about this. Serious issues should not be left hanging.
It is not necessary to discuss all aspects of life together at once
Although the topic is serious, it is not at all necessary to discuss all issues of living together at once. You can tell the girl that you can return to this issue in three or four months. The main thing is to be honest.
The ability to talk about relationships with each other is the basis of any relationship. And it is important not only how to speak, but also when, so that the conversation bears fruit.
Over time, feelings become dull, the former passion disappears. To prevent a breakdown in relationships, they need to be maintained and strengthened.
Why men don't like discussing relationships
Men avoid conversations not because the relationship with the girl is not important to them, but because they are different. Women are extremely emotional and value the sensual side of life.
Men do not like conversations on the topic “You used to be more gentle” and “You stopped giving me time”, since the tasks of the stronger sex are completely different. They love logic and specific tasks, and ephemeral feelings at the zenith of relationships are not important. Your partner knows: he is with you, that means he loves you, and talking about feelings is a waste of time.
Spilling out emotions, pressure and manipulation, often used by women in serious conversations, lead to the opposite effect - a man closes down, not wanting to participate in a destructive dialogue. Such alienation aggravates the situation, since the partner needs to show feelings. The repetition of “serious conversations” ultimately leads to the complete separation of the couple.
How to talk correctly to strengthen relationships
Remember when you first met your beloved man, you couldn’t talk to him? But time passes, and you begin to communicate mainly only about everyday topics - who will pick up the child from kindergarten, who will pay utility bills, where the family will spend the weekend. Interest in your partner gradually disappears. The longer a couple is together, the less they talk. together.
Communication makes it possible to feel connected to your loved one and recharge with positive energy.
How to start having heart-to-heart conversations on different topics and with the same interest as at the very beginning of a relationship?
- Make time to talk. If, after returning from work and having dinner, the first thing you do is turn on the TV or computer or immerse yourself in your smartphone, then the likelihood that you will switch to your loved one is very small. Set aside just 20–30 minutes for communication. Talk about how your day went, how things are going at work, how he is feeling
- Get your partner interested. Start the conversation with a topic that interests him. This may be the key to trusting communication.
- Listen carefully to your partner. During a call, to save time, you can wash dishes or wipe dust. Yes, you can multitask, but for your significant other this means a lack of interest in what he is talking about and he will stop talking.
Results
A serious conversation does not necessarily mean loud shouting and swearing. This is the definition of a scandal, not constructive, emotional. It is important to talk as a couple, to spend an hour and a half in a quiet, perhaps difficult, but necessary conversation. Maybe the first conversation will not be as expected, but in the future both partners will take it more calmly and not get worked up at the suggestion of “talking.” Psychologist John Gottman proved that the mood with which a conversation begins is how it will end. Approach the conversation with tenderness, full of love and a desire to become even closer.
Share your thoughts on a serious conversation. Have you ever had to initiate a difficult conversation? Was the ultimatum applied, and does he really have the right to be in a loving couple?
What mistakes should you not make when talking to a man?
If you decide to talk to a man about a relationship, in order to avoid unnecessary quarrels, remember some points:
- Think carefully before you express your opinion. Not all thoughts should always be voiced. Especially if it concerns claims against your partner. Do not attack him with dissatisfaction and criticism for any reason. Let an hour or two pass, you will cool down, and then the conversation will be more adequate;
- Don't interrupt your partner. Be patient and learn to listen to him. Let him express to the end everything he wanted to say;
- Speak directly, not in riddles. A man is unlikely to be able to guess, for example, why you are offended by him or what you currently want. We need to talk about this directly. Frank dialogue will strengthen your relationship;
- There is no need to remain silent if you don’t like something. In any situation, it is better to be able to find a compromise.
Not only men should be able to apologize
Difficult conversations sometimes lead to unexpected results. The husband accused of treason turns out to be innocent, but the one accused of coldness experiences severe stress at work or due to the illness of his relatives. If the dialogue reveals similar circumstances, the woman is obliged to apologize.
An apology will also be required in a situation where during the conversation it turns out that your partner is dissatisfied with your behavior. If, when analyzing family expenses, you realize that most of it was spent on unnecessary things and services, it’s time to admit the mistake and ask for forgiveness.
Recommendations will help adjust relationships and teach a man to solve emerging problems in a timely manner without quarreling, cursing or keeping silent. Build a constructive dialogue, removing the emotional component as much as possible, use rational arguments, look for a compromise, and then “adult” feelings will be added to love, leading the couple to happiness - mutual respect and support.
How to text a guy that you need to talk. What to write to your ex-boyfriend to get him interested
Purely my opinion - you shouldn’t write anything to your ex at all. But since you already want to know how he is doing, I will help. Don't forget to add something of your own to make the message more natural!
Did you miss it and decided to return it? Then the following SMS will do:
- Hello. I know you're surprised that I'm writing to you, but I need to talk to you. Let's meet?
- One question haunts me...
- I congratulate you! Don’t you know that today is Swamp Diving Day? True, only in Britain...
- Would you give me a little more of your time? About five hours...
- My SMS can be considered an official step towards reconciliation. Peace, friendship, chewing gum?
- Our relationship is a strong wall. Now it is dilapidated. Let's buy some cement and fix the situation?
- I suggest we pretend that we both have amnesia. And get to know each other again.
- I'm so sad. If you have a free evening, could you grab a bottle of wine and come to my place?
Let's forget all the differences and have a blast somewhere in a cool club? I’m in a very dancing mood, but there’s no one to invite!
I have Louboutins and tickets to the Van Gogh exhibition. The only thing missing is “Seryoga”) Can you replace him?)
If your goal is not to return the relationship, and you just decided to find out if he died from missing you, then write one of these messages:
- Friends told me that you don't look good. Are you sick or have no one to take care of you?
- Now I’m admiring the starry sky. Remember we did this together before? Well, and not only that.
- I finally decided to rename you in my phone from “favorite” to... can you remind me what your name is?
- I wanted to take back my words, but I realized that I wanted to get my nerves, time and good mood back.
Reasons for male isolation
Psychologists say that a man’s silence can be explained by a number of reasons.
- Different culture. This is the main reason for the lack of mutual understanding between the sexes.
Dear girls! Biological differences are inherent in us by nature, so they have no effect on relationships. But differences in culture are another matter; they really provoke misunderstanding.
It is such a custom among men that it is wrong to demonstrate their sentimentality. In their opinion, only weaklings cry and show tenderness, and frivolous ones smile.
3 important steps
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Take your gifts!
But is brutal masculinity a bad thing? Seriousness, courage and bravery are what lead a man to victories on all fronts. But modernity dictates different realities: the stronger sex has to show their courage less and less. Nevertheless, it is still not easy for women to come to terms with the behavior and opinions of the opposite sex; they strive, if not to change the law, then to adjust their partners to themselves. But can a man give up his usual instincts and change, become soft and compliant?
What conclusion can be drawn? It is difficult for the stronger sex to change, especially when there is no point in it. We need to learn to understand and accept men along with their natural nature. A man is a warrior, and he must remain so.
- The fear that other men will not understand him and will criticize his ability to chat is another reason to remain silent.
Men also experience emotions, but they are not always ready to express them. They believe that if they give vent to their feelings, they may be ridiculed by others. A noticeable manifestation of concern for his beloved will give others a reason to call him henpecked or a ladies' man. It seems to a man that caring for loved ones in front of others is an indicator of a lack of masculinity.
The conclusion from the above suggests the following: the fear of appearing funny and weak becomes a serious deterrent that does not allow your partner to open up. But it’s still possible to get a man to talk, and sometimes it’s necessary.
You won’t be able to solve the problem instantly; everything needs to be done gradually and unobtrusively. Just show your loved one that any attempt he makes to take care of you is of great value. Don't be shy to show him your delight. Express gratitude and show caring in return. He just needs time. Later, your man will feel the need for your positive attitude, which will be caused by his love and care.
Make your feelings known
That’s why it’s so important to be able to talk about your needs and desires. Hints, even the most obvious ones, can be ignored or misunderstood due to the peculiarities of male perception.
Once you have started, tell your partner what you feel, what worries you about yourself or about him. What are you afraid of, what solution do you see, offer a choice of options.
Then let your partner speak: be prepared for the fact that he will need time to think a little longer than you expect. It is important to listen to the person to the end, to see the situation through his eyes.
Basic rules for preparing for constructive dialogue
So how do you even begin this difficult conversation? Which side should you approach a man from so as not to scare him and how to behave during the communication process? There are some practical tips from the family psychology section:
- Stop being nervous and stressing yourself out.
First of all, you need to feel confident and light. Nervousness will immediately be transmitted to the man. This will be the reason for negative reactions to any phrases on your part. But don't confuse confidence with being too assertive. This is how you can push a guy away from you.
- Start from the end.
Immediately indicate what you want to get from this dialogue. You can even visualize your goals by writing them down on a piece of paper. When you clearly understand what you need to achieve in the end, it becomes much easier to move.
- Think in advance what to say to possible objections from your partner.
You shouldn’t assume that a man will immediately agree with everything. He will certainly defend his point of view. This is normal, since girls and boys look at the world with completely different eyes.
Imagine what objections are likely to be heard. Starting a conversation about problems is only half the story. You also need to know how to convey your needs to your other half.
- Be positive.
Do not prepare for war or defensive actions. You should not attack your partner, immediately accuse him of something, and even more so, resort to insults. Before the dialogue, imagine that everything worked out for you. This will make talking to a man much easier.
- Prepare the environment so that it is private and calm.
You shouldn't have this conversation when there's someone else at home. Firstly, you yourself will be simply uncomfortable. Secondly, a third party may intervene, which is completely unnecessary. Try to choose the best time to dot all the i's.
Recommendations
In conclusion, here are some useful recommendations that will help you avoid serious mistakes:
put your demands in the form of a request or a wish if you want your partner to listen to you: frank direct demands and frank conversation are far from the same thing. Claims can harm relationships because they are nagging in nature; keep in mind that a man is more vulnerable than a woman, try so that your criticism does not hurt his self-esteem; be honest and frank yourself, you cannot force your partner to be frank with cunning tricks, playing with feelings.
As is - say it as it is
Have you ever said in the heat of a quarrel: “Let's get a divorce!” I hope it doesn't come to that. Many have spoken. Did they really want to get a divorce? In the absolute majority - no. They wanted to show how much they were offended, how bad they felt, how many contradictions had accumulated.
What if, instead of this threat, which even if it works - it will scare the husband - then only once, they would have said: “Listen, I’m really desperate! If I were to rate it on a scale of 10, it would be a 9.5. I love you and appreciate our family. But I really, really feel bad. Today I put Yura in front of a cartoon, and I was crying in the bathroom. Please hear and believe that what is happening to us is terrible for me.”
This is what I call “telling it like it is.” Talk about your condition, ask directly for help (support, understanding) instead of threatening with something and using other dubious means of expression.
I’ll tell you how I myself recently violated this principle. We adopted an adult dog with a difficult fate - the Russian hound Lika. At first, her husband walked with her, but then he went on a business trip, and I had to walk. I put the leash on incorrectly—too loosely—and Lika ran away from me. I chased her around the town square and finally put the leash on (wrong again). But it turned out that Lika did not intend to go home. She sat down on the ground and could not be moved. A completely inexperienced dog owner, I persuaded her, scolded her, pulled her, but we remained in place.
In the end, I carried her. And she is taller than my nine-year-old son. It looked very funny - I saw our reflection in the windows of the cafe. She put her down on the ground to catch her breath, and picked her up again. It’s fortunate that I didn’t come across an amateur YouTuber and the world didn’t recognize my shame.
And so we come home, and I call my husband. And I shout into the phone: “We were told this is a smart dog. And she's a fool! Stupid, disobedient dog! That's not what I meant, of course. I wanted to say: I was terribly nervous, I suffered through it, I’m ashamed and I need help to cope with the shock and shame. And my husband heard: it’s your fault for bringing home a bad dog, I’m angry with both of you and I don’t want it at home.
He began to defend himself: “You put the leash on incorrectly, what else could you expect! We’ve had a dog for almost a week, and you were so careless!” This is what I got instead: “Yes, you got it, kitten. Well, it’s okay, everyone is already home.” And if I had told you directly what I felt and what I wanted, most likely I would have heard something very close.
