How to get rid of dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

10/23/20205 minutes read 14325

Love addiction (addiction)

– this is a state when a person experiences constant fear, uncertainty, horror at the thought that he may lose a loved one. Imagining separation, he falls into despondency, apathy and despair. Life without an object of dependence seems unbearable to him, and a real breakup can even lead to suicide.

In the article we will reveal the psychology of the addict, what types of addiction there are, its internal causes and how to get rid of it and treat it.

Important Strong dependence on a person manifests itself in total control, an unhealthy desire to always be close to a loved one and loss of self-control.

Psychological dependence: what is it and why does it occur?

Psychological dependence on another person is most often associated with raising a child and traumatic childhood experiences. Children always want to be in close contact with their parents, mainly their mother. If for some reason the mother cannot provide reliable healthy attachment, the child will begin to cling to her out of fear of losing her and will try to occupy all the parents’ free time.

As an addict grows up, he will transfer the experience of unhealthy attachment to his love relationships. The psychology of an unloved child gives rise to a strong desire to be nearby all the time, both physically and psychologically, to occupy the entire surrounding space of another person, and the fear of loss plunges into despair. Such people are obsessive, clingy, instantly blur boundaries, and literally tear themselves away from their loved one if necessary, to separate, even experiencing physical pain, they are not able to free themselves from the feelings that engulf them.

Here are the main factors leading to emotional dependence:

• low self-esteem;
• psychological complexes;
• childhood trauma;
• unrealistic fears and fantasies;
• non-adaptive types of upbringing in the parental family;
• disrespectful parental attitude towards the baby;
• high parental expectations that the little person could not meet;
• ridiculous ideas about love: Love is sharing everything in half, being always close, having common interests, thoughts and desires, etc.;
• the desire to merge with another, to become part of something larger;
• incorrect perception of one's own boundaries;
• a masochistic desire to be subjugated by someone;
• the desire to play the role of a child and relive childhood with a parent who will always be there this time.

If you want, find an alternative option for him

If you have the time, resources and connections, you can help your friend move as a gesture of goodwill. This way, you can have another conversation with him, during which you make it clear that he needs to move out, but at the same time offer several options.

Of course, he may reject your ideas, but the fact that you care about his well-being should soften the blow.

Why does a person become addicted?

Dependence on the person, reasons:

1. Due to the fact that the addict has poorly constructed personal boundaries and he does not realize where his personality ends and where another person begins, emotional dependence on the person develops. He does not understand where his desires and dreams are, and where others are. He considers everything he wants to be common; everything his loved one wants either appropriates or rejects.

The addict also feels bad about his body, he cannot refuse intimacy, say “no,” and he himself suffers greatly if he is refused. For him, any “no” is a terrible insult and rejection. The patient does not live his own life, but the life of his loved one, his own desires and aspirations are nothing more than a dream, and he considers merging with another to be the only reality.

2. Dependence on a loved one can also arise due to a serious illness or the loss of a loved one; death of a parent, especially at an early age. The person is so frightened and shocked by this grief that he devotes all his strength to maintaining a close connection with his new loved one. The psychology of the traumatized person forces one to quickly become attached and completely dissolve in another, in the illusory hope that this closeness will never end.

But the basis still remains the inability to hear and appreciate oneself, diffuse personal boundaries. Such a person is anxious and scared alone, he does not feel like a full-fledged person, and he feels life only in merging with someone. Deep down, he feels unworthy of attention and love, and therefore a constant companion of painful attachment is a terrible fear of loss. He interprets any negative sign as proof that he is not loved.

Individuals prone to pathological love attachment constantly live in fear and anxiety, because of this they stick to their partner more and more, it seems to them that if they are constantly nearby, catching every gesture, look and word of their loved one, this will protect them from breaking up .

Important The basis of any addiction is the desire to shift control and responsibility for one’s own life, which a person does not know what to do and will never learn to cope with.

Nail or pin protection

Take a new nail or pin, squeeze it tightly in your fist and say.

“I’ll stick a pin (or nail) into the door, I’ll protect my home from ill-wishers and unwanted guests. The amulet will show sharpness in front of any person, but will only let kindness in.”

Stick the selected item into the door from above so that the tip points to the floor.

After completing the plot, envious people will not be able to enter your home, and unwanted guests will not stay for long.

Types of human addiction and their signs

Emotional dependence on a loved one can be divided into several types, the basis of which will be the object of attachment. But you need to understand that a person prone to addiction can direct his attention to any object, at different times in his life. So, a woman can first dissolve in her husband, and then in her child, or in her family. Sometimes only long-term psychotherapy helps to free oneself from such life attitudes.

The result of any type of emotional dependence, which is also called psychological, is self-destruction. For some, this can lead to suicide or serious mental illness.

Love

One of the most common types. Its danger is manifested in the unlived life - the addict for the most part remains in illusions about possible dire consequences. At first, everything goes well - the lovers spend a lot of time together, fall out of their usual lives, forget about everything, cannot separate for a minute and cannot imagine life without each other. Gradually, the strong power of hormones weakens, and healthy people move to a new, stronger and calmer stage of relationships.

Partners who are in a healthy love relationship do not forbid a guy or girl from meeting with friends, allow them to travel and engage in hobbies and have their own lives outside of their relationship, and can calmly survive even a long separation. But dependent people cannot move to this stage; their partner’s attempts to have something for themselves are perceived by them as betrayal and evidence of dislike. Most often, women act as such sick partners in relation to men, but the male sex is also susceptible to this disease:

The main signs and symptoms of dependent feelings of women and men:

• relationships are impossible without moment-to-moment interaction;
• love relationships hurt, but their absence is a hundred times worse;
• jealousy is perceived as normal;
• the partner constantly blackmails with a break, when this stops working - suicide;
• The addict’s motto becomes the phrase “I won’t let you live without me!”

Attachment and fear complement each other. An addict lives with a constant feeling of anxiety, he is tormented by negative thoughts, he cannot and does not want to function without a loved one, the fear of loss leads to a stupor, but such a person refuses to recognize the developing love addiction, as well as to get rid of it.

Please note: The main difference between falling in love and addiction is the ability to be alone and enjoy this feeling.

Friendly

Everything that a friendship addict thinks, feels, dreams about, he immediately discusses with his friend. If he went on a business trip and there is no opportunity to communicate, the person feels emptiness and apathy. A person dependent on a friend behaves with him in the same way as a love addict with a lover: he is jealous of other people, gets irritated if it turns out that the friend did not tell something about himself, even if he simply did not have time to share, and considers the other person his property. If he finds out that a friend is spending time with someone else or has met and become friends with a new person, then he is overcome with intense anger, resentment, devastation, and a feeling of being betrayed.

Parental

Parents, more often mothers, spend almost all their time with the baby, caring for and controlling him. But with each new skill of the child, with each passing month and year, control should weaken. Normally, by adolescence, a person should become practically autonomous. But dependent parents do not give their child freedom at the age of three, five or fifteen. They want to completely control their child, they dissolve in him and expect the same from the baby.

While the child is small, this idyll is possible, but with age, he begins to demand autonomy, shows his own will, demands to be freed from control and checks, and truly Shakespearean dramas unfold in families. Usually it all ends with blackmail of adult children: manipulation of the disease; demonstratively calling an ambulance, etc. Those who have more strength and perseverance until the end keep the child on a moral, financial, property leash, sabotage all attempts to become independent.

Often such mothers grow up from girls who did not receive additional love in childhood from their own mothers. On the one hand, they want their child to receive everything that they did not have, and on the other hand, they enjoy the newfound power: the little girl could not keep her mother close, but she can keep her own child. And he holds it.

What does this type of education lead to?

• children, even grown ones, are unable to make independent decisions;
• do not have the courage to stand up for themselves;
• cannot build boundaries;
• live with a constant feeling of anxiety;
• cannot cope with even a small difficulty;
• experience serious problems in interpersonal communication;
• in any dangerous situation they fall into a state of panic;
• They do not know how to fight and cope with stress.

Long-term and targeted psychotherapy can help grown children cope with the problem of insecurity.

On the threshold

This ritual will help protect against the arrival of relatives or the visit of an uninvited neighbor or friend:

1. Sprinkle the threshold with blessed water inside and outside your home.
2. Sprinkle table or any other salt on top.
3. Say the following spell against the unwanted arrival of uninvited relatives or guests: “I don’t sprinkle salt on the threshold, but I erect an invisible and indestructible wall. Let her block the entrance for (names of unpleasant people). They will never get through this wall, they will not go around it on any side, they will not break it, and they will not be able to climb over it. My words will be fulfilled this very minute.”
4. Place a lit church candle near the entrance door.

When the candle burns completely, sweep the salt onto a clean sheet of paper, place the remaining candle stub on top, wrap it and take it to a deserted crossroads. Go home immediately, don’t turn around and don’t say a word.

How does love dependence on a person manifest itself?

Love

– this is a wonderful feeling that “inspires” a person. This is a feeling that gives strength, desire and the opportunity to create, grow spiritually and professionally. A person in a healthy love relationship feels supported and becomes more successful, happier, more confident and healthier, including physically. A loved one helps him cope with difficulties, and does not add new ones. People in strong, harmonious marriages live longer and have better health.

Love addiction (addiction)

– dependence on a person in a relationship, due to which the patient experiences a kaleidoscope of negative emotions: fear of loss, jealousy, anger, resentment, despair, painful passion. He is in a state of chronic stress.

Love addiction, in its destructive power to the psyche, is not far removed from drugs, alcohol, and gaming, which bring incredible endless suffering and fleeting moments of “happiness.” There is no need to talk about any spiritual growth and happiness, the addict destroys his life, he cannot build a career, since all his thoughts are occupied with holding the object of passion, he cannot build healthy relationships with other people, so no one except his beloved is interesting to him , he destroys his health by being under constant stress.

He turns into a bloodhound, monitoring his partner’s every step, after which he demands a report and explanation. The only thing he wants is to make a person his property and spend every minute with him.

Here are the symptoms of love addiction associated with three areas of the patient’s personality:

• Personal boundaries.

  Almost always a person uses the pronoun “we”. These symptoms are especially pronounced in new mothers, but over time, the unhealthy “we” goes away and is replaced by “I” and “he/she/you.” If you hear “We went to college,” this is parental dependence, and if “we” is used in every situation and in every sentence by a husband or wife, then we can talk about fusion and love addiction.

  They often make decisions for each other, women forbid a man to have free time, arguing that they need to spend more time together, they use personal belongings (comb, toothbrush) without asking permission. In such families, the husband “asks” to go fishing, and the wife to hang out with her friends. There may be demands to comply with absurd rules invented by the addict for his own imaginary peace of mind.

• Control.

  Love is impossible without respect, and respect is impossible without trust. In a healthy relationship, partners never limit each other’s freedom, no matter whether it is a child-parent relationship, a love relationship, or a friendly relationship. Since respect and trust are mutual, it is assumed by default that neither partner will take actions that could negatively affect the other. And this basis of trust makes relationships strong, and life in them comfortable and reliable.

  If one of the partners does not trust the other and constantly tries to control, without “letting go”, without “allowing”, “checking”, then both will at some point begin to experience stress. Such relationships can last for years, there is no happiness and peace in them, they destroy both participants. This is how the addict’s fear is expressed; it seems to him that by controlling and “keeping his finger on the pulse” he can protect himself from betrayal, the departure of a loved one, betrayal, which he is not able to survive.

• Freedom of choice.

  In a healthy relationship, each partner has free will and choice, and the other never encroaches on it. A husband, wife or parent does not ridicule or belittle the decisions of another. They respect opinion and the right to live their own lives.

  In dependent relationships, the partner either bends the other one to suit himself, and his own idea and feeling of what is right, or he bends himself, makes sarcastic comments, and does not show respect for the opinions and interests of his loved one. Freedom seems to him an unnecessary rudiment: in a relationship, the addict thinks, there can be no choice or independent opinion, only common (my) interests. Refusal of freedom of choice and will are alarming symptoms of love addiction. If a break does occur, then healthy people, respecting the freedom of the other, accept his choice with understanding and love; it is precisely such couples that can maintain a good relationship for life, even if the feelings have passed. For an addict, separation means the collapse of his entire life, broken dreams and torn years.

Please note: The advanced stage of emotional psychological illness leads to suicide and the development of mental illness. It is no longer possible to cure a patient who is at the level of love delirium.

Be decisive and firm in your intention

As soon as you decide to evict the “not its owner” from the apartment, ensure maximum determination and confidence. Perhaps during the upcoming conversation you will feel sorry for your friend, and you will think that you got carried away. To prevent this, decide firmly for yourself that your intention will remain unchanged.

If your roommate manages to convince you not to evict him, he will most likely continue to break the house rules because he won the conversation.

Stages of love addiction

Like other addictions: drugs, alcohol, nicotine, love, it develops in stages, depending on the initial mental disorders of the patient, he can go through all stages very quickly or gradually.

First: Euphoria

At the beginning of a relationship, the addict experiences happiness from the emotions of love he experiences, he “grows wings”, he feels full of life. He adores the whole world, he wants to sing, laugh, and an as yet unformed desire appears - to be with this person always. To grow old together and die on the same day.

Second: Increasing the dose

The desire to be constantly nearby grows stronger and becomes a need. Meetings, no matter how many there are, are always few. The feeling of love overshadows everything, everyday affairs: work, study fade into the background. A person lives in anticipation of a meeting, experiences euphoria and happiness and immediately begins to wait for the next date, cannot survive even short separations.

Third: Disappointment

Fleur subsides, her beloved does not live up to the dependent ideal drawn in her head. There is disappointment, fruitless attempts to still discern a fictitious image in a living person. Every time a person encounters reality, a person experiences suffering, and this, oddly enough, only binds him more to the object of passion.

Fourth: Become what I want

This stage can last for a very long time. The addict tries to remake his loved one and his behavior in accordance with his ideas about him in any way. It is impossible to change an adult personality, but an addict cannot leave or accept another for who he is. This activity gives rise to anger, fear, irritation, and jealousy in the patient. He can no longer back down, since he has invested a disproportionate amount of effort, time and emotions into this relationship. Soon there is no love left at all, only dependence, fear and a feeling of despair.

Attention The main difficulty in treating love addiction is how to get rid of it if a person does not want to free himself from this condition. A patient suffering from emotional love addiction perceives his mental pain as a manifestation of “true” love and is voluntarily ready to suffer and does not want to treat it.

Set a clear deadline for his departure.

In order not to prolong your friend’s presence in the apartment, we advise you to set a specific date for his departure. You may already be as tired of him as possible, but asking him to move out that very night is not a good idea.

It is better to give him time to find a new home, improve his financial situation and mentally prepare for the move. So, let it be one to two weeks. During this time, he will certainly be able to prepare himself for the next step.

How to get rid of the pathological state of dependence on a person?

To find out about your emotional dependence on your loved one, take the test. Answer the following questions:

1. Do you often feel anxious when you think about your relationship?
2. Do you find it difficult to say “no”?
3. Is your partner's approval vital to you?
4. If your partner praises you, does your mood improve?
5. Do you panic if he is unhappy with something?
6. Can't imagine your life without a partner?
7. Is your loved one interested in you as a person?
8. Do you delete your passwords and demand the same from your partner?

1-2

answering “yes” to a test is the initial stage of addiction.

3-5

“yes” is the second stage.

more than 5

“yes” for the test - you are at the last, destructive stage of dependence on a loved one, a psychologist will help with love addiction, even online, through the website.

Start working with a psychologist right now

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If you scored a lot of points in the previous test and realized that your feelings are more like a drug trip, this is not such a strange love, but still an addiction, here are the psychologist’s tips that you can take on your own to free yourself from the disease. But often only long-term psychotherapy helps to reformat consciousness, since the problems lie deep in the psyche of the addict.

1. Understand why this attachment is unhealthy and destroys you and your future.
2. Realize that independence and self-sufficiency are not a path to loneliness, but a necessary condition for becoming free. You need to cultivate responsibility for yourself and your life.
3. Accept that everyone needs personal space. Everyone has personal boundaries that no one is allowed to violate.
4. Stop perceiving yourself through the prism of your social role: mother, girlfriend, wife, lover. You are an independent person, and you should have activities, hobbies and interests outside of one particular social role.

Working in three directions will help you cope with the feeling of love dependence on a person; it needs to be treated in stages:

– work with personality:

increasing self-esteem, building personal boundaries, awareness of one’s own value and significance, respect and acceptance of oneself;

– work with the body:

you need to establish lost contact with your own body through physical exercise, meditation (tips can easily be found online), massages, and mindfulness practices;

– work with thinking:

replacement of negative attitudes, images, maladaptive strategies. This work is best done with the help of a psychologist, jointly reviewing all cases that confirm a negative opinion about oneself and changing cognitive attitudes about each of them.

The most effective rituals

There are various rituals for getting rid of evil people and envious people. To obtain the desired effect, it is important to choose the simplest and most understandable of them. In this case, you can count on quick results.

From a bad man

A fairly simple plot that needs to be read 3 times every morning immediately after waking up will help you get rid of your enemies:

You can enhance its effect by reading a spell three times, making them afraid of the performer:

From the envious

A ritual with a scarf will help you get rid of envious people from your environment. The ritual is performed before leaving home.

When preparing to leave the apartment, you need to take out a scarf and read the text of the conspiracy on it:

After this, wipe your face with a handkerchief and hide it in your pocket.

This thing will become an amulet and protection from envious people. It is recommended to repeat the ritual daily.

From the annoying

An onion spell will help you ward off an annoying person. To do this, at midnight you need to peel the head of the vegetable and cut crosses on it using a knife. Apply a drop of vinegar and candle wax to each design.

After this, place the onion in a glass container with holy water and say:

Over the next 3 days, light a candle in church for the health of your enemy.

From people not wanted in the house

You can stop the visits of unwanted guests to your home with the help of poppy. You need to prepare a handful of poppy seeds and pour them into an earthenware bowl.

Cross the container 3 times and read the text:

After this, sprinkle the charmed poppy on the threshold and around the entire perimeter of your house.

From evil neighbors

Magic will help you stop quarrels and scandals with unfriendly neighbors. For the ritual, you should find a straight stick 35-40 cm long and sharpen its end.

At midnight, point the pointed end towards where the neighbors live, and repeat the words 3 times:

For the magic to start working, it is recommended to conduct at least 3 sessions.

When it becomes clear that the spell has worked, take the stick out of the house and stick it under any bush with the tip down.

From ill-wishers at work

You can get rid of your fellow enemies using photos of ill-wishers and black silk thread.

Procedure:

1. Place a photo of the enemy in front of you.
2. Take the thread in your hands and tie 3 strong knots on it.
3. Go outside and burn the photo.
4. Collect the ashes and bury them away from your home.
5. Cast the spell:

From an evil boss

There is a powerful ritual in magic, the action of which is aimed at pacifying the strict and picky director. In addition, the conspiracy will help to avoid unnecessary checks in business.

To carry out the ceremony, you should come to the cemetery gates with a ball of sheep's wool and 3 coins with a face value of 5 rubles.

At midnight, throw them through the gate and read:

After this, wrap the wool around your hand and say:

To complete the ritual, you need to burn the skein at the cemetery gate.

To leave the guy behind

To get rid of a young man who lives in the same apartment with the performer of the ritual, you need to:

1. Prepare 9 new nails and read the spell on them at midnight:
2. The next day, when the guy is not at home, drive 1 nail in each room.

A few days after the ceremony, the man will feel discomfort, he will experience insomnia and he will move out of the apartment of his own free will.

If an annoying admirer lives separately, the following ritual will help get rid of him:

1. Scribble your boyfriend's name on 3 red candles and light them.
2. Place a photo of the guy in front of you.
3. Cast the spell.
4. Put out the fire with your fingers and cut the photo into 3 equal parts.
5. Bury each piece of the photograph with a candle in 3 different sides of the house.

After a few days, the man will forget about the performer of the ritual and will never disturb her again.

Protection from malice

Bad thoughts and envy of people can destroy a person’s aura and even bring damage or the evil eye to him.

Therefore, every believer should accustom himself to read a prayer of protection in the morning:

A daily ritual will protect you from the anger and envy of others.

The spell will create an energy protective dome around the performer from enemies.

From insults

It is difficult to find a person who enjoys listening to insults from someone around him. Rudeness and rudeness spoil the mood and even have a negative impact on health. You can get rid of an aggressive person using a magical ritual.

Every day in the morning and evening you need to read:

Return Ritual

You can return their negativity to evil people with the help of a special return ritual “Boomerang”.

When meeting with an ill-wisher, you need to mentally pronounce the text of the conspiracy:

After the spell has been cast, you should end the meeting as quickly as possible and say goodbye.

From danger

Feeling the approach of trouble or experiencing bad premonitions, you need to imagine a magical protective sphere around you and whisper the text of the conspiracy several times:

To get the effect, it is enough to say this 3 times.

A quick whisper from an evil tongue

It will help in a situation where a quarrel is brewing.

You need to mentally pronounce the text of the conspiracy:

The ill-wisher will give up the idea of ​​continuing the conflict.

Magically neutralize the enemy

To get rid of secret enemies and spiteful critics forever, you should read the plot 3 times a day:

To calm down an angry husband

You can calm an aggressive spouse with the help of a magical ritual, which is performed at the exact time and date of his birth.

After waiting for the desired day, you should light 3 candles and read the plot:

A way to make someone feel bad

You can get rid of your enemies and bring troubles and misfortunes upon them using a spell on poppy seeds.

The performer will be required to do the following:

1. Place a handful of dry poppy seeds into a clay dish.
2. Cross the container 3 times.
3. Read the plot.
4. Pour the grains into a bag and carry them with you everywhere.
5. When meeting an enemy, quietly throw a few grains into his pocket.

If a person did not wish harm to the performer, nothing threatens him. And the ritual will bring a lot of troubles and sorrows to the hidden enemy and envious person.

Give your friend a fait accompli

If you are not ready to engage in long discussions with balanced arguments and other diplomacy, you can simply tell your friend to vacate the premises. This is the fastest-acting method, but with a high risk of losing good relationships.

However, if you both have common sense and are considered good friends, all these circumstances will not disturb your friendship.

• Author: Dmitry Petrosyants