How to get rid of dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

You can be addicted not only to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, work or shopping. But also from another person.

Such dependence on a specific other person is called love.

In this article I will tell you what love addiction is and how it manifests itself. About the causes of love addiction. And in what stages does it develop?

I'll tell you about the signs of love addiction. How does it differ from codependency, which psychologists so often talk and write about? And I’ll tell you about the other side of love addiction – counter-dependence.

What is love addiction?

Love addiction is not the natural healthy attachment that arises between people who are significant to each other.

Dependence is a painful craving, it is precisely an unhealthy attachment. Which does not allow a person to get out of those relationships in which he suffers and suffers.

Content:

1. What is early love addiction
2. Features of addiction in young people, stages of development
3. Features of addiction in adulthood
4. Consequences of unresolved addiction
5. Getting rid of love addiction

Psychiatrists and psychologists very often encounter different types of addictions. In addition to alcohol and drugs, clients often turn to specialists with love addiction. The problem is quite common and can cause destructive behavior, even suicidal behavior. “The disease of love” can destroy the psyche so much that it will be impossible to get out of the painful status on your own. Of course, in most cases, love suffering passes, but while a person is under the influence of this disease, he manages to do many not the best deeds in his life. Correcting them then takes too much time, and not everything can be restored. Therefore, if you have a problem and you don’t know how to deal with it, contact a specialist right away. In this way, you will preserve your nervous system and prevent possible diseases.

Symptoms and signs of love addiction by which you can recognize it in yourself:

• constant obsessive thoughts about another person, a strong fixation on him, he seems to become the meaning of his whole life.
• the appearance of liveliness when communicating with the “object of addiction”, without him everything is somehow gray and dull, and as soon as he appears, life seems to become very bright, joyful, it seems to take on meaning, when communicating with him there is a feeling of some kind of something of magic, something unreal, but bright and pleasant.
• lack of saturation of communication with a partner, over time you need more and more of it, it is always not enough.
• in the absence of contacts with the object of addiction, the so-called “withdrawal” occurs, i.e. “withdrawal” syndrome like drug addicts.
• what was valuable, interesting and significant before the appearance of a partner ceases to be valuable and have any meaning subsequently.
• in relationships with the object of addiction there are strong swings, then extraordinary euphoria, then the deepest pain and despair, there are no “halftones” in them, everything is either incredibly good (usually at the beginning of a relationship, over time such periods become less and less), or very very bad (such states last longer and longer as love addiction develops).
• the constant presence of symptoms and consequences from adrenaline releases - insomnia, severe fatigue and exhaustion, headaches, pain in the heart, dizziness, rapid heartbeat, body tremors, etc.
• perceiving your partner not as a separate person, but as a part of yourself.
• constant obsessive jealousy of the object of dependence.
• the partner is idealized, and one’s own personality is devalued, the needs and needs of the partner become more significant than one’s own needs.
• strong conscious fear of loneliness and fear of losing a partner, fear that he will leave.
• unconscious fear of close relationships, because of which a partner who is inaccessible for intimacy is chosen for the relationship.

The main signs of addiction

Why is it necessary to know all the main signs of a person who is looking for a complex love relationship? Yes, everything is simple - with such a type it will be very difficult. Your life with a person for whom painful dependence on your relationship is important will turn into a living hell. Therefore, study them carefully and be careful.

[product_block id=”10988"]

A person who has been chosen by an addict is immediately exalted as an ideal, he is like the Sun in the sky. Everything around is gray, insignificant and unimportant. This is how a dependent person builds an emotionally comfortable atmosphere for himself. And its center is the meaning of his life. The sufferer is as if in a fog, his thoughts and behavior are beyond control, everything is intended for the object of his passion.

Then, when the situation smoothes out and he comes to his senses, he realizes that he was a prisoner of his addiction. It feels like he was drugged with some kind of potion, cast a spell, jinxed, etc. During the period of addiction, a person stops growing above himself. They devote their lives only to their loved one. And the latter is also threatened by inhibition of spiritual and emotional processes. After all, no matter what he does or says, everything is perfect, elevated to an absolute by a fan of the idol.

It is easy to distinguish situations from normal relationships. With them, every person, even with strong love, continues to live his own life. Yes, you want to give your beloved object more positive emotions, happiness, and affection. But at the same time, one does not forget that there are other interests in life - work, communication with friends, relatives, personal hobbies, passions, etc. That is, there is a boundary between lovers that allows you to breathe deeply and not suffocate from the relationship, without losing your “face.”

If codependency arises between people, then jealousy immediately arises, and it is pathological, comparable to despotism and tyranny. For ordinary people in love, it is also present, but perhaps as an addition to the flare-up of passion, or as proof of true love. Showdowns and troubles in this case are possible only if someone has given a good reason or cheated on their partner.

In addiction, everything is much worse - you don’t need a reason to start a huge scandal, even assault. The partner is not allowed not only to flirt or communicate, but even to look in the direction of the other person. As a rule, the addict does everything not to release the object of his passion. He is ready to do anything for her - to pamper her, to please her, but within a closed territory. Initially, both partners feel good in this relationship. But over time, the “golden cage” becomes unbearable for those on whom they depend.

He is trying to escape from this relationship, because it is unbearable, stuffy, there is no life of his own. And the partner dependent on him feels pain, resentment, suffers, he experiences unbearable torment, but for his psyche this, unfortunately, is the norm. His love can often switch to hatred, mistrust, anger, aggression, fear of losing a loved one, if you can call it that. And as a result, the connection brings only pain to both, there is no joy, constructiveness of the relationship, fun and expectation of a promising future.

Let us list the main signs of addiction - love dependence:

1. The object with whom the dependent person is in love remains under constant, excessive control - frequent phone calls, demands that a strict report be given for the day.
2. Painful jealousy with or without reason, constant quarrels and reproaches of infidelity and betrayal.
3. The habit of drinking and eating away from stressful situations.
4. A complete lack of interest in previous hobbies and the surrounding world.
5. Constant loud quarrels, conflicts, stormy showdowns.
6. The desire to mold your partner into a person at your own discretion, the desire to re-educate.
7. Constant comments, reproaches about the behavior and appearance of your loved one.
8. Often there is a depressed, bad mood.
9. Problems with your material and financial situation due to the inability to concentrate on business and fulfilling your obligations.
10. Excessive spending to please the tastes of a loved one.
11. Rapid weight gain or excessive weight loss.
12. The desire to patronize and take care of a loved one against his will.
13. Health problems when relationships deteriorate: increased body temperature, rapid pulse, dry mouth, painful abdominal cramps, headaches, dizziness, loss of consciousness, tinnitus, etc.

Object of love addiction

For a person to develop dependence on something or someone, the object of dependence must be:

• attractive, that is, it could give pleasant emotions,
• and at the same time dangerous.

If there is no danger in it, then there can be no dependence on it.

The same applies to love addiction. We can only develop it in relation to those people who are dangerous to us for some reason.

Therefore, unfree, married men often become objects of love addiction. Or men who deliberately use pickup techniques and various harsh manipulations.

Or psychopaths, sadists, narcissists. Or unavailable, cold, rejecting men. Or those who are so similar in their behavior to your parents, with whom you had a rather hurtful relationship.

Therefore, to get out of the repeating cycles of love addiction, you need to stop choosing men who are dangerous to you.

And start looking closely at safe, reliable and loving men. With whom you can really build comfortable, mutual and long-term relationships.

Literature:

1. Peel, S. Love and dependence [[Electronic resource] - Moscow: IOI, 2005. - 384 p.
2. Love addiction. How to get out of unhealthy relationships / Alexander Nosov. — Moscow: AST, 2022. — 224 p.
3. When love hurts: how to distinguish love from addiction and get out of a toxic relationship / Sylvia Kongost; foreword by Irina Mlodik; [[translated from Spanish by Valentina Ivanova] - St. Petersburg [[etc.] Peter, 2022. - 252 p.

The text was checked by medical experts: Head of the socio-psychological service of the Alkoklinik MC, psychiatrist-narcologist L.A. Serova.

CAN'T FIND THE ANSWER?

Consult a specialist

Or call: +7 (495) 798-30-80

Call! We work around the clock!

Stages of love addiction

1. Euphoria from meeting the object of addiction and intense love. The addict constantly has thoughts and fantasies about his lover spinning in his head. The love addict is incredibly happy and believes in a happy future with his partner.
2. Insatiability – communication with a partner becomes insufficient for the addict, he wants to increase the “dose”.
3. Disappointment and dissatisfaction - the love addict begins to notice the shortcomings of his partner, that he is not the same as the addict has imagined. And understand that the relationship does not suit him. Thoughts about breaking up begin to occur to him. But he doesn’t really leave the relationship because he hopes that his partner can still become different.
4. The addict tries to change his lover. He begins to be driven by the hope that he can change. And he tries different ways to reach him so that he becomes what the addict needs.
5. Trying to change your partner leads nowhere. The love addict becomes even more disappointed and despairs. The relationship is causing him more and more suffering.
6. An addict breaks up with a partner. But unable to withstand the state of “withdrawal”, he again returns to the object of his addiction

Features of addiction in young people, stages of development

In the formation of love addiction, several stages pass sequentially. In each of them, reverse development and painless separation are possible. The addiction itself can take on a perverted form - the loss of love develops into an attempt to preserve the passing feeling.

Psychologists highlight:

1. Feeling of eternal happiness. A lover lives in delight. Meetings bring indescribable emotional uplifts. You want to be with your loved one all the time, listen to him, look at him.
2. The need to increase the “dose” of love. There is a scarcity effect in relationships. The need for the experienced euphoria becomes more and more significant.
3. Conflict between reality and desires. After some time, the first shoots of disappointment appear in the soul. The ideal image gradually melts, contradictions and suffering ripen inside the soul.
4. Artificial creation of an ideal. Attempts to change the appearance and inner world of another person “to suit yourself” lead to complete disappointment. Guilt complexes, jealousy, and a subconscious desire to take revenge for their own problems develop inside the addict.

Few people realize that in this case we are talking about love addiction.

Causes of love addiction

• 
  Relationship trauma (or developmental trauma) – we tend to repeat the painful things we experienced in our relationships with our parents. And with love addiction, people reproduce the same traumatic relationships as they had with their parents.

  Read also:  What happens to a man when he falls in love: 10 “symptoms”
• An insecure type of attachment that was formed in early childhood with my mother. The type of attachment is a kind of matrix of how a person perceives a loved one, the relationship with him and himself in these relationships. And if a person has not formed a reliable attachment with his mother, then he is then inclined in his relationships either to cling to another, or to reject him all the time and run away.
• Unfinished gestalts in relationships with parents who remain from childhood are what a love addict hopes to receive from the object of dependence in a relationship, but cannot. He also did not receive from his parents once in childhood. And since the addict still has hope of getting this from his parents. Then this hope is reproduced again, but in a relationship with the object of dependence.
• Unsuccessful love scenario in the relationship between parents - if one of the parents was “love dependent” on the other, then the person learns this model of behavior in the relationship. And then reproduces it in his adult life.
• Love “hunger” – before meeting a partner, love addicts often experience chronic dissatisfaction with their needs for attention, love, warmth, touch, and care. And a meeting with the object of addiction gives hope that finally his needs for love will be satisfied. This leads to the excessive importance of this person in the life of the addict.
• Fear of loneliness - this fear prevents the addict from leaving a relationship that hurts him. And it encourages you to cling to your partner so that he never leaves the addict alone. Because loneliness is unbearable for an addict.
• Fear of intimacy - sometimes it is the unconscious fear of intimacy that prompts a love addict to choose an unavailable partner for the relationship. And he projects this fear onto the object of his dependence. And then nothing stops him from wanting and trying to achieve a close relationship.
• Adrenaline addiction – when a person is addicted to adrenaline, he needs relationships in which he will experience strong emotions. And healthy relationships are too calm for him, and therefore seem boring.
• The inability to distinguish between fear and love, when a person perceives adrenaline rushes when communicating with the object of addiction (which actually tell him that the person is dangerous) - as an indicator of great love and passion.
• Inner emptiness and the idea of ​​oneself as an unvaluable, inferior person. A lack of a sense of self-worth can prompt an addict to idealize a partner and please him in every possible way. He doesn't believe that people can just love him. Therefore, he begs and wins this love from the object of dependence.
• Some serious problems in life, an attempt to escape from which is love addiction.

It's called love

May lovers forgive us, but the fact is that crazy, unhappy love, which brings pain and suffering even at the very beginning of a relationship, is actually not love, but love addiction. It has nothing to do with the high, life-affirming feeling - true love. Love addiction is “hunger”, “thirst” for the “beloved”. This is an analogy to drug addiction, and that’s why it’s called “drug-addictive love.”

This feeling can be mutual or non-reciprocal, but in any case it intoxicates, like a drug, like alcohol, and the lover (more precisely, the addict) is like a drug addict or alcoholic. He also cannot live without his “beloved,” like an alcoholic without a glass. He feels and thinks approximately the same as a hungry person feels and thinks about a piece of bread.

But, as a rule, this hunger (love addiction) drags on for years. And this is already a disease that brings NOTHING except pain and suffering, which must be “treated” and as quickly as possible! Sometimes mental pain is felt on a physical level: the heart aches, it hurts, blood pressure rises, headaches and “female” and “male” diseases appear. Other diseases also arise against the background of chronic stress.

“Help me not to love. When he is not around, I feel so bad, my heart hurts, my temples press. When he leaves for work, I get stressed, I think about where he actually went, what he will do, I constantly call him at work, check on him, but the checks don’t help, I still don’t calm down. If he's not at work, I go crazy. If he's there but not in the mood, I wonder what my fault is. If his voice is cheerful, I’m jealous that he’s in a better mood at work than with me.”

Unfortunately, such love addiction is very common, and people mistake it for true love. “I suffer - that means I love.”

A beautiful, well-groomed, wealthy 30-year-old woman sits in front of me. For the last 5 years, Nadezhda has been madly in love with her peer, in love without reciprocity. He is simple, not rich and not beautiful, not married, and available to any woman except her. How many times during these 5 years Nadezhda met Andrey, she can count on her fingers: after two stormy passionate nights she fell in love, then they met 5 more times, two of them in passing, by chance on the street (Nadezhda arranged these meetings herself... in hope).

What methods did Nadezhda take to lure her beloved into her network: she seduced, tempted, bribed, tried to arouse jealousy, followed him, set up meetings, threw tantrums and pushed him away, bewitched, threatened, in the end... tried to fall in love with another - all useless. Other men (richer, more handsome, smarter than Andrei, and with serious intentions) could not distract her from the object for at least a week. After short meetings, she left them without regret.

“I only want to be with him! I just need it! But I don't know whether he needs me or not. He doesn't tell me this. And I still have hope. Years go by, so much time has already been wasted! And I can’t find anyone else for whom I would feel at least some kind of similar feeling. If we are not together, then I want to at least have a child with him! It’s been a year since he left for another city, but I found out his address. I want to go there. Teach me how to make him fall in love with me?” said Nadezhda, being of sound mind and good memory. - Why am I worse than others? I have everything! And I’m ready to give him everything, but he doesn’t need anything. I am ready to endure everything from him, I can be a very comfortable, faithful wife for him, and I will never blame him for cheating or lack of money. This was the first time I had such a strong feeling, although I had fallen in love before.

And I’m afraid that I will never love anyone THAT way again, I will always love only Him!” Do you think that Nadezhda is the only one in the world? How could it not be! Every second woman who comes to me for consultation suffers from the pangs of crazy love. Men also fall into the love trap no less often than women. And, despite different life situations, they have the same problem.

Why is unhappy love praised?

“I do it quietly and sadly

The path of life without joys,

And how I love, how I suffer,

The grave alone will recognize.”

Yu. Zhadovskaya

Why is this painful, dependent state mistaken for love? It is precisely this kind of love addiction that is described and, unfortunately, glorified in literature. Unfortunately, because this love leads to pain, tragedy and destruction. Just look at the lines of Tsvetaeva, Akhmatova, Shakespeare, Blok, Pushkin, Lermontov.

“In love, having learned only suffering,

She has lost her desires

And again he doesn’t ask to love..."

A. Delvig

Often poetic lines reflect the inner (rarely, happy) state of the author, his love experiences, personal drama. The energy of unhappy love is sublimated into the energy of creativity, into high creative potential. The poet, the writer had nowhere to put his overwhelming feelings, no one to express them, and they directed them into poetic lines filled with passion and suffering, which, however, eased their soul. A striking example of this is Petrarch with his Laura. By the way, prescribing suffering, negative thoughts, feelings is one of the psychotherapeutic techniques. Yes, and poetry is easier to write when the soul suffers, the words themselves “fall” on paper. When the soul rejoices, somehow there is no time for poetry, you want to “catch” the present moment, live it, enjoy life.

Sometimes creative people deliberately (some consciously, others on a whim) become infected with this state, look for such objects for love, tune in to addictive love in order to create. For them, addictive love is an artificially induced state, a source of creativity. After all, it is not interesting to read about what is good and joyful. The reader needs romance, suffering, trials and obstacles that heroes overcome, grief, blood, death...

Literature often programs the reader to suffer in love, to love addiction, to sacrifice oneself in the name of a wonderful feeling - Love. Remember Romeo and Juliet, Anna Karenina, “poor” Liza. Such literature, especially poetry, romanticizes negative experiences, tragedy, and grief. And to those who read such poems and novels (and we usually read them at a young age), it seems that these are precisely high feelings, this is love, that there is no love without suffering and pain.

“Love knows the heart of grief,

And the grief of the heart will not pass..."

V. Svechin

And we begin to feel, think and act like literary heroes. Especially, such negative programs are dangerous for impressionable, romantic, emotional teenagers. They are already disappointed in the reality that seems vulgar to them. They have no other ideals in life other than these suffering, unfortunate heroes, and they, consciously or unconsciously, want to be like them. “I suffer like a heroine, and I’m proud of it! I know what true love is!” In addition, such literature helps to create not only one’s own ideal, but also the ideal of one’s beloved, which simply cannot exist in real life. The discrepancy between reality and the ideal leads to great disappointments in life, suffering, and constant dissatisfaction with what is. And such negative experiences destroy our lives, our destiny.

What then should you do with your child? Don't take away the books! Moreover, this is a classic! You just need to explain that everything that is written in literature is undoubtedly romantic, beautiful and sublime, but this is an extreme, this is a disease. And such love leads to tragedy, self-destruction, death. And this is not an example to follow, but quite the opposite, it shows what can happen because of such love, and that there are extremes in life that need to be realized.

Causes of love addiction

As a rule, people with low self-esteem fall into love addiction, who lacked parental warmth and love in childhood (the parents took care of themselves or raised the child very harshly), or strictly controlled every step of the child (the child was too dependent on the parents). The main feature of addicts is the lack (lack) of self-love. The following negative programs laid down by parents also predispose to love addiction: “Being jealous means loving”, “Love is suffering”, “Beating means loving”. Sometimes parents give direct instructions to action: “If you fall in love, rub snot on your fist!”, “Women are insidious and dangerous. Keep your eyes peeled so that some twit doesn’t fool you!”, “Men only need one thing! Look: he’ll play with you and throw you away!” And the hook (emotional reaction) arises only on the person who causes (or is capable of causing) tension and suffering, who behaves unpredictably, unexpectedly, and plays “cat and mouse.”

There are several dangerous myths about love and romantic relationships. For example, that for complete happiness you need to find your “soul mate”. This myth creates a feeling of inferiority. In fact, we are all full-fledged and completely self-sufficient, and there are a lot of our “other halves” around us, and they exist anywhere in the world.

For some reason, we believe that if I “love” (fell into a love addiction), then they should love me too. My passion, my condition is enough for my partner to continue to reciprocate, we torment him: “you promised, and we agreed”...

When there is no love, we wait for it, look for it, so mysterious and elusive. When it exists, it fills our entire life... and not always with joy, but more often with torment and suffering, which, as we know, worsens the situation even more... Why is love so evil? And where to go from love suffering?

As a rule, we are ready to blame evil fate, the object of love and the entire opposite sex for the reasons for our suffering in love. And rarely does anyone realize that we ourselves are the source of this torment. We ourselves fill our lives with suffering or joy, depending on our inner state.

The fact is that love suffering occurs in a state of love addiction, it is also called drug-addicted love. Dependence, even at the very beginning of a relationship, is a complex of negative feelings expressed in continuous suffering for another person, in the desire to control his every step and “acquire him as property.” The addict “gets stuck in suffering”, he is not interested in anything in life except his “beloved”, he cannot think about anything else, cannot talk about anything else (any conversation comes down to the “beloved”: to what is happening to him do, how to behave, what to say, where he goes, what he does). For addicted people, love is suffering. And suffering becomes the “litmus test” of love: if I suffer for this person, it means I love him, if I don’t suffer, it means I don’t love him.

True Love is a bright, joyful, positive feeling. Love is an ACTIVE INTEREST in the life and free development of the object of love. I love you, but each of us is free (in our opinions, in making decisions). If you feel better without me, I will understand and let you go with wishes of happiness.

True Love is JOY! This is giving and receiving joy. The “litmus test” of true love is JOY, not suffering: if I rejoice in you and your joys, and you rejoice in me and my joys, if we are joyful and comfortable together, then we love each other.

By the way, true love occurs in life no less often than love addiction. It’s just that not everyone knows how to love, not everyone can recognize a real feeling (they just use the wrong “litmus test”: “if I suffer, I love, and if I don’t suffer, then it’s not love”).

What is the difference between love and love addiction?

The main criterion of Love: we feel good together, and we feel good separately.

The main criterion of dependence: in the first stages, we feel good together, but feel bad without each other; in the later stages, we feel bad together and bad apart.

Love brings positive emotions and makes everyone stronger, luckier, more confident, calmer. Most of the time, a lover feels harmony within himself, stability, security, confidence, warm and tender feelings for his loved one. Negative emotions in connection with a loved one may appear, but only for a short time. The lover blossoms, becomes younger, becomes more beautiful, glows from within and wishes all the people around the same happiness, the same love.

Love addiction, on the contrary, brings a lot of negative emotions: most of the time the addict is filled with anxiety, worry, fears, uncertainty, doubts, jealousy, envy, anger, irritation towards the “loved one”.

Positive emotions are bright, but short-lived. Even in the happiest moments there is some kind of internal tension and doubt (“happiness is only a moment”).

Love does not cancel inner freedom. And love addiction (the word speaks for itself) is dependence on the mood of the “beloved,” his gaze, tone of voice, words. I called - everything was great, I didn’t call - woe.

love relationships are built on equal terms: I give you love, you give me love; Today there is a lot of me, tomorrow there is a lot of you, we are equal.

In love addiction, the dependent is a subordinate, and his “beloved” dominates him. As a result, the addict strives with all his might to earn love, to please the “beloved,” while humiliating himself, he only gives, receiving nothing in return. He initiates joint events, builds relationships himself, forgives everything, and “swallows” grievances.

Love is a constructive feeling and leads to success. Those who love things improve at work, financial situation, health, mood, and want to help others.

Addiction is destructive; the addict most of the time is in a bad mood, stressed, depressed, and his health is destroyed. Since the addict cannot think about anything other than the “beloved” and is completely fixated on him, his work and financial situation worsen.

Love addiction is destructive, but true addiction is creative. With true love, the presence of your loved one is not important, you do not suffer without him, even if he left or left forever. Of course, this is sad, but you don’t plunge into long-term suffering, since you don’t feel the need for him, you wish him happiness: “It doesn’t matter to me where my beloved is, it’s important that he exists.”

A sign of love addiction is “I can’t live without him,” “he alone can make me happy.” The addict clings to the “beloved” like a drowning man clings to a straw (“I’m dying without him”).

However, no one and nothing in this world can make you happy or unhappy. If you are hoping that someone or something will make you happy, you are mistaken. There is no such object, no such circumstances. Happiness and unhappiness are only your reaction to this or that event, to this or that person. The facts themselves have nothing to do with it. And we, psychologists, are not engaged in creating circumstances, situations, helping to attract a loved one, we are changing the very thoughts about this or that person or circumstances. We remove negative programs, experiences and help create high-frequency energies.

No matter how the relationship develops, the lover always wishes happiness to his beloved. When a relationship is interrupted, an addict, on the contrary, has a desire to take revenge on Him (Her) or other women (men), to get even.

“We have known each other for (!) a month and a half. I loved him very much, I went crazy without him, my whole life (!) was dedicated to him. I thought, “Just become my husband, then I’ll take it out on you for all my humiliations!”

Love relationships with love addiction, as a rule, are short-term (up to a year), but after that they can continue from time to time, and the addict can suffer from “love” for several years. Sometimes they last longer and under some circumstances (pregnancy, calculation, pity) turn into family relationships, but the suffering of the addict only worsens.

A little test

Whether your relationship is just beginning or your romance has lasted almost a year, to determine whether you are in love or dependent, listen to your feelings. If your relationship is more than a year old, then remember how you felt in the first year of your romance.

If most of the time you are filled with joy, if love relationships bring you warmth, light, peace, confidence and tranquility, if, when telling other people about them, you brag, share pleasant impressions and events, then Love has visited you.

If most of the time you experience suffering, mental pain, anxiety and worry, and in conversations you share your misfortunes with others, advise you on what to do, what to do, how to behave, then you are addicted.

Love tragedies are very dangerous to life, like drugs and alcohol. Alcohol itself, like a drug, is not evil, and the object of addictive love (that is, love addiction) itself is not evil, they have nothing to do with it at all. All this becomes dangerous when you use it incorrectly. With our own hands (or rather, with our internal state) we create for ourselves certain life situations, including negative ones. Falling in love is not a tricky thing. But what kind of love it will be depends on you.

The cause of many dramas in personal life can be the so-called “addictive love” (or love-addiction). This is a destructive, dependent state on the object of love, akin to drug or alcohol addiction.

Symptoms of love addiction

Drug-addicted love is preceded by a period of mutual violent feelings. The first signal - a symptom of addictive love for a woman - is a sudden change in a man’s behavior to the exact opposite, a sudden cooling or disappearance of a man, “yesterday I looked you in the eye, but now everything is looking sideways.” Let’s say he says “I’ll call” and doesn’t call, promises to come and doesn’t come, and doesn’t really explain anything, thus giving hope. Such behavior on the part of a man is dangerous, since in the future, if the relationship continues (in a sluggish form), he will most likely begin to manipulate. The sooner a woman draws conclusions and ends the relationship, the better. There are no other options, it will only get worse. All attempts to explain or justify his behavior, to return him, to improve relations will not lead to anything good.

Otherwise, the woman will gradually become dependent on the man: her mood and condition will henceforth depend on how their relationship develops. As a rule, in such cases, the woman becomes active and intrusive: she calls him, even follows him, which bothers him even more. As a result, he begins to avoid her, and she goes even more crazy. And the most interesting thing is that if her “beloved” returns to her and loves her, she will leave him in 2 days. She needs him only as long as he is not available, since she is not in love with a real person, but with an ideal. And as soon as the relationship begins to develop, settle down, she will see a real person, will be disappointed, and her love will pass. These are signs of love addiction and non-existent, illusory feelings.

Not only a woman, but also a man can suffer from “drug-addicted” love; such cases are no less common. Then the man becomes dependent on his “beloved,” on her mood and feelings. As soon as a man manages to make her fall in love with him, the ideal collapses and love passes. Sometimes this happens on the second day after the wedding. The woman (and all her relatives and friends) are then perplexed: “I ran around and courted him for so many years, I told him that we were not a couple, and now, a few days passed after the wedding, and he left.”

Stages of addictive love

With addictive love, immediately after several meetings, euphoria sets in, the same as an alcoholic after a few drinks. Literally, “blows your head,” “goes crazy,” and from that time you begin to live only by this person (Her, Him), you think only about Him, (Her), you live only by Him, (Her). The signs of the first stage of this love are as follows: you feel so good with him (with her) that you grow wings, and without him (without her) you feel so bad that you “die.” And you live with one desire: “Give him (her) to me!” Very thrilling!

The second stage is marked by the fact that what is desired does not coincide with reality. “Beloved” does not live up to the ideal. He (or she) is never enough for you. As with drug addiction, there is a need to increase the dose all the time, but the dose of love. What made you so happy yesterday is no longer enough for you today. As a result, you feel bad without him (without her), and you feel bad with him (with her), since he (she) does not correspond to the ideal, expectations are destroyed.

The best, happiest period in this state is the anticipation of the meeting (euphoria returns for a short time), however, for an alcoholic, euphoria occurs in anticipation of drinking. And the greater the necessary, desired dose of love for you, the more the object of love does not coincide with the ideal, the stronger the disappointment during and after the meeting, leading to suffering and grief. After all, when they don’t give me a dose (what I, in my opinion, deserve), I suffer. You want to increase the dose of love, but the object of love does not want to increase it. This frightens him, it seems to him that he is being pulled into a “pool” by an unknown force, and he is “saved,” avoiding the “addict,” and this intensifies his suffering.

The “patient” has a need to improve and change his “darling” (“beloved”). It seems to him that if his “beloved” changes, then he, the “patient,” will feel better. A vicious circle is formed: the more we try to change the “beloved” (“beloved”) and worry about this, the more he resists and the less he (she) reciprocates, and the more he (she) resists, the more we worry and try ( change it, and the more we suffer. There is no freedom and equality in such relationships. Any desire to change someone (even if you just cry or beg for something) is violence against that person. And from any violence a person strives to get away, to run away, to break free from the chain.

At this stage, all negative emotions appear: fear of loss, guilt, jealousy, anger, desire for revenge, despair, disappointment - there is not a single negative emotion that does not arise during this period.

Consequences of addiction to drug love

Bitter experience does not pass without a trace. Someone suffers from love addictions all their life, spending years on each of them, becoming dependent on one person or another. More often than not, these are women; they continue to live in hopes and illusions, “stepping on the same rake.” And someone, having experienced such torment once, becomes disappointed in love. And, fearing new love suffering, he refuses love forever, forbids himself to love, justifying his refusal by the fact that there is no love at all, that it was invented by romantic poets. As a rule, these are men. If they were once “burnt”, then they try not to repeat a similar experience, but, on the contrary, to “turn” the situation (“Let women suffer because they love me, I have already suffered”). And they unconsciously take revenge on other women: they fall in love with themselves, “tame” them, and then unexpectedly abandon them or play with their victim, use her. They know that if suddenly, in the midst of a romantic relationship, he suddenly disappears, then the woman will “sit on this needle” and become dependent, since she cannot explain his disappearance in any way, but hope for his return will remain. Then you can appear again, use it and disappear again. This behavior gradually becomes habitual for them, and they begin to consciously manipulate women. Men who have many partners or have been searching for a long time have experienced this tragedy at one time. And in this way they are “saved” from possible love addiction.

But the worst thing is that, having once experienced such love, we no longer recognize another love, calm and happy. In a joyful, calm feeling, we lack suffering, thrills, and tension. And when we meet True Love, we pass by without noticing it.

How to save yourself from “love-addiction”?

Unfortunately, this is a “disease” that is difficult to cure on your own. As they say, “you can’t order your heart.” You need to go to a specialist, that is, a psychologist. Having come out of love addiction, you become very interesting to the same “beloved” person (for whom you suffered), and you can build a harmonious relationship with him.

Sometimes, in order to free yourself from love addiction, it is enough to simply realize that this feeling is not love, but a disease. And then everything gets back on its feet, you begin to come to your senses. After all, a lot depends on what we think. Our thinking determines our feelings and actions. If we think that this is love, that there is no love without suffering, then we continue to suffer, to sacrifice ourselves to this painful feeling. If we think and know that this is NOT love, but addiction, a disease, then we will feel and act in accordance with our thoughts.

Is it possible to somehow prevent the appearance of this feeling, especially for those who have learned from personal experience that “love is evil” and are now afraid of falling in love with an unworthy person, afraid of new suffering, new pain, new disappointment?

“I don’t want to get married without love, I know that I won’t be able to live with an unloved man for even a month. But I haven’t loved anyone for a long time. I realized that I was afraid of falling in love. I have already spent several years on one man who tormented me, drank, walked around and simply took advantage of me, my feelings. I don’t want this kind of love anymore!”

Therefore, you need to take care of yourself, you need to heal your soul, build, create yourself.

A harmonious person allows only harmonious people into his life, and he always has a choice. He simply will not get into a dependent situation, will not let the problem into his life, he will see it, observe it, realize it and... walk around a kilometer away.

www.5da.ru

Read more: https://www.realisti.ru/main/l…

Counterdependence is like the other side of love addiction

Usually the object of dependence of a love addict is a non-random partner. And the one who has counter-dependence, i.e. avoidant behavior or dependence on demonstrating one's independence.

Traits of love addicts:

• Clings to someone else
• Looks for opportunities to develop relationships,
• Afraid of loneliness (consciously)
• Has a fear of intimacy (unconscious),
• Sensitive.

Traits of counterdependents:

• Pushes the other away
• Looking for opportunities to end the relationship
• Afraid of close relationships (consciously),
• Has a fear of loneliness (unconscious),
• Rational.

Outwardly, they look like two opposites. But deep down they are very similar.

The internal conflict of a love-dependent person and a counter-dependent person is the same. On the one hand, they are afraid of losing their partner and being left alone. They have a great need for close intimacy and for their needs to be met in relationships. On the other hand, they are very afraid of close relationships and want more freedom, independence, and privacy.

But their difference lies in which of these “parts” of themselves they are aware of, and which of them is repressed into the unconscious. The love addict is well aware of his needs for intimacy and his fear of being alone. But he does not realize that he wants to avoid intimacy.

But for a counterdependent it’s the other way around. He represses his need for another person and his fear of losing a partner. But he is well aware of his need for separation and his fear of letting another close to himself.

Both dependence in relationships and counter-dependence are two extremes. And a healthy relationship is somewhere between these extremes.