How to get rid of psychological dependence on a person?

• Human addiction: what is it?
• Types of emotional dependence
• What is the cause of dependent relationships?
• Test: test yourself
• Step-by-step instructions for overcoming addiction
• When should you see a psychologist?

We are often afraid of developing an addiction to drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, but we do not take into account that a painful dependence on another person can also greatly complicate our lives and become very dangerous for our health.

After reading this article, you will understand why dependence on a person occurs, learn to distinguish its signs, and, most importantly, understand how to get rid of such a pathology and return to a full life.

Emotional dependence on a person

Emotional addiction (dependence) is a pathological attachment to the object of love, due to which a person loses his personality, turning into a “shadow of his partner.”
An emotionally dependent person is unable to take responsibility for his feelings. Experiencing negative emotions (sadness, grief, grief, anxiety, depression), he cannot recognize them, accept them and cope with them. He does not understand the very reason for these feelings, which leads to the need for approval from others. This addiction becomes very strong, since the partner’s praise and attention determines the personal value of the addict.

It takes great courage to find strength and use your strengths in the fight against addiction. But this must be done first of all in order not to lose yourself and realize your true potential.

Important: it is normal for partners to have a certain emotional dependence. But where personal boundaries are erased, self-destruction begins.

Differences between addiction and love

1. Addiction is based on the fear of loneliness, while love is based on happiness.
2. Pathological jealousy due to lack of trust - a dependent person experiences it even when there are no visible reasons or threats to the relationship. That is, any, even the most insignificant manifestation of attention to other people is perceived very painfully. Love is based on complete trust.
3. The need to always be close and the pathological fear of changes in the life of a partner - partly stems from jealousy, and partly from the fear that the partner will meet someone better. Therefore, a dependent person strives for total control. In love, there is freedom that allows you to develop (and not only as a couple, but also personally), and not get hung up.
4. Evidence of love - a dependent person always demands sacrifices for the sake of love. Due to low self-esteem, he constantly needs confirmation of his value from his partner. True love makes people happy, and does not force them to sacrifice themselves.
5. One always gives without receiving anything in return, while the other only takes (willingly or unwittingly). Equality reigns in love.
6. A very painful attitude towards refusals - the addict always gets little attention from his partner. Because he paid too high a price for this relationship, giving up his personal goals and interests. A person finds himself locked in his own trap. In love, partners respect each other’s personal space and desires, treating refusals adequately.

Important: whoever does not know how to love himself is not able to love another. He can only become involved in a destructive relationship or game in which he will be a loser.

Dependent behavior in humans

Almost any human hobby (games, work, artistic, scientific or technical creativity, travel, sports, the opposite sex, tasting food or drinks, programming, collecting, caring for one’s own health, etc., etc.) in its extreme forms, reaching the intensity of passion, can lead to self-destructive behavior and threaten health.

Addicted behavior is risk behavior, i.e. behavior that leads or carries a significant risk of leading to personality destruction, mental and somatic illnesses, and death. In the specialized literature, a synonym for dependent behavior is addictive behavior; translated from English it means an addiction (from the Latin addictus - one who is sentenced to slavery for debts), that is, a person who is in deep slavish dependence on some irresistible power. Almost always, one or another addiction occurs during a certain activity. It also manifests itself most clearly in behavior characteristic of one of the types of addiction.

Addictive (dependent) behavior is one of the forms of deviant (deviant) behavior with the formation of a desire to escape from reality by artificially changing one’s mental state by taking certain substances or constantly fixating attention on certain types of activities, which is aimed at developing and maintaining intense emotions. The main types of addiction include: chemical dependence (alcoholism, drug addiction, substance abuse, drug addiction, nicotine addiction), accentuated activity (gaming addiction, Internet addiction, workaholism, sex addiction, television addiction, constant viewing of television programs), the habit of visiting stores and purchasing durable goods , incessant talking on the phone, enthusiastic collecting, exceptional concern for one’s own health (following diets, exhausting oneself with physical exercise, excessive faith in healers, etc.), urgent addiction (the habit of constant lack of time) and cult addiction.

However, a complete list of addictions can hardly be compiled: new types of addiction appear, and there are less common types of addiction. Recently, a tendency towards an expanded understanding of addictions has become more and more clearly evident: along with traditional (so-called chemical) addictions, behavioral addictions are increasingly mentioned.

Elements of addictive behavior are characteristic of any person who escapes reality by changing his mental state. The problem of addiction begins when the desire to escape from reality, associated with a change in mental state, begins to dominate in the mind, becoming a central idea that invades life, leading to a separation from reality.

The following signs are characteristic of dependent behavior:

• syndrome of altered susceptibility of the body to the action of a given stimulus (defensive reactions, resistance to it, form of consumption);
• mental dependence syndrome (obsessive attraction, mental comfort during the period of consumption, be it a drug, alcohol or a gaming machine);
• physical dependence syndrome (compulsive craving, loss of control over the dose, withdrawal syndrome, physical comfort in intoxication).

The last of these signs is more pronounced in people suffering from addiction to any chemical substances, but to a lesser extent it can also occur in non-chemical addictions. In any case, these three syndromes distinguish a person suffering from the disease of addiction from a healthy one. The need for a physical component of addiction has recently been increasingly denied. This denial is supported by a comparison of the processes of behavioral addictions with the clinical picture characteristic of traditional forms of addiction, as well as the establishment of criteria for diagnosing behavioral addictions. Thus, M. Griffiths proposes operational criteria that together determine the dependence:

• priority (salience) - a favorite activity has acquired paramount importance and predominates in thoughts, feelings and actions (behavior);
• mood modification - refers to a person’s subjective experience and accompanies a state of absorption in an activity (examples include a state of emotional uplift or, conversely, the acquisition of calm when moving on to a favorite activity);
• tolerance - to achieve the usual effect, a quantitative increase in activity parameters is required;
• rupture symptoms (withdrawal symptoms) - the occurrence of unpleasant sensations or physiological reactions with the loss or sudden reduction of opportunities to engage in favorite activities;
• conflict - refers to all types of conflicts: intrapsychic; interpersonal (with surrounding people);
• with other activities (work, social life, hobbies and interests);
• relapse - a return to a previously favorite activity, sometimes after a many-year abstinence period.

Stages of development of addictive behavior:

1. A “crystallization point” appears in connection with the experience of an intense positive emotion (or the elimination of a negative one) during a certain action. There is an understanding that there is a substance or method, a type of activity with which you can relatively easily change your mental state.

2. A dependent rhythm is established, which is expressed in a certain sequence of turning to means of dependence.

3. Addiction is formed as an integral part of the personality. During this period, people resort to the subject of addiction only in connection with life difficulties. There is an internal struggle between natural and addictive lifestyles. Gradually, the dependent style displaces the natural one and becomes part of the personality, a method of choice when meeting the real demands of life; During this period, in situations of increased control of special responsibility, it is possible to control one’s addiction.

4. The period of complete dominance of dependent behavior, which completely determines the lifestyle and relationships with others; a person becomes dependent and alienated from society. Addictive behavior is recognized as a multifactorial phenomenon. The current state of science allows us to talk about the following conditions and causes (factors) of addictive behavior. Externally social factors that contribute to the formation of addictive behavior include technological progress in the food industry or pharmaceutical industry, which throws more and more new products onto the market - potential objects of addiction. In addition, as we urbanize, we see interpersonal connections between people weakening.

For some social groups, addictive behavior is a manifestation of group dynamics. In this case, drugs (in a broad sense) perform the following vital functions for a teenager: maintain a sense of adulthood and liberation from parents; form a sense of belonging to a group, as well as an environment of informal communication; provide the opportunity to act out sexual and aggressive impulses without directing them at people; help regulate emotional state; realize the creative potential of teenagers through experimentation with various substances.

A subculture can appear in a wide variety of forms: a teenage group, an informal association, a sexual minority, or just a male company. In any case, its influence on a person who identifies himself “with his own” is extremely great. As a rule, the leading role in the origin of addictive behavior is attributed to the family. Numerous studies have identified a connection between parental behavior and subsequent dependent behavior in children. The works of A. Freud, D. Winnicott, M. Balint, M. Klein, B. Spock, M. Maller, R. Spitz convincingly indicate that the child’s development is harmed by the mother’s inability to understand and satisfy his basic needs.

The leading role in the formation of addiction, according to a number of authors, belongs to infantile trauma (in the form of painful experiences in the first two years of life). Trauma can be associated with physical illness, with the loss of the mother or her inability to meet the needs of the child, with the incompatibility of the temperaments of mother and child, excessive innate excitability of the baby, and finally, with some actions of the parents. Parents, as a rule, do not know about their psychotraumatic effect on the baby when, for example, with the best intentions or on the recommendations of doctors, they try to accustom him to a strict diet, etc. Experiencing distress in which the baby is unable to help himself, he he simply falls asleep.

However, as Crystal notes, repetition of a severe traumatic situation leads to developmental disruption and a transition to a state of apathy and detachment. Later, trauma can be detected by the fear of any affects, the inability to tolerate them, the feeling of “unsafety” and the expectation of trouble. This feature of dependent people is referred to as low affective tolerance.

Such people do not know how to take care of themselves and need someone (something) to help them cope with their experiences. At the same time, they experience a deep distrust of people. In this case, an inanimate object may well replace human relationships. Thus, people who have experienced mental trauma in early childhood have a significantly greater risk of becoming addicted. In general, the family may not give the child the necessary love and teach him to love himself, which in turn will lead to a feeling of badness, worthlessness, uselessness, and lack of self-confidence. According to modern ideas, people with addictive behavior experience serious difficulties in maintaining self-esteem. It is well known, for example, that in a state of intoxication a person feels much more relaxed and confident than usual. On the other hand, for groups of alcoholics it is very common to have conversations on a topical topic: “Do you respect me?” Dependence, thus, acts as a unique means of regulating an individual’s self-esteem.

A serious problem for families of dependent individuals can be emotional disorders in the parents themselves, which, as a rule, are accompanied by alexithymia - the inability of parents to express their feelings in words (understand them, designate and pronounce them). The child not only becomes “infected” with negative feelings in the family, he learns from his parents to hush up his experiences, suppress them, and even deny their very existence. The lack of boundaries between generations, the extreme psychological dependence of family members on each other, and hyperstimulation are another negative factor. For the normal development of a child, the process of separation, as well as the process of individualization of the child, is important. In families with violated boundaries, addictive behavior can be one of the ways to influence the behavior of other members, while the addiction itself can give a feeling of independence from the family.

One evidence of this is the increase in addictive behavior when family problems increase. The family plays a significant role not only in the origin, but also in the maintenance of addictive behavior (the problem of codependency). Relatives themselves may have various psychological problems, due to which they often provoke a “breakdown” of the addict, although they actually suffer from it. If addictive behavior persists for a long time in one of the family members, relatives of the addict, in turn, may develop serious problems and develop a state of co-dependence. This refers to negative changes in the personality and behavior of relatives due to the dependent behavior of one of the family members. Within the framework of individual differences, the first thing to note is the gender selectivity of addictive behavior. For example, food addiction is more common among women, while gambling is more common among men. In some cases, we can also talk about the effect of the age factor. So, if drug addiction affects mainly people from 14 to 25 years old, then alcoholism in general is characteristic of older people.

The psychophysiological characteristics of a person determine the individual uniqueness of addictive behavior. They can significantly influence the choice of the object of addiction, the pace of its formation, the degree of severity and the possibility of overcoming it. The subject of much discussion is the question of the existence of a hereditary predisposition to certain forms of addiction. The most common point of view is that children of alcoholics are likely to inherit this problem. However, the hypothesis of a hereditary predisposition to addictive behavior does not explain a number of facts. For example, today's teenagers use drugs regardless of their parents' tendency to drink alcohol. Dependent behavior can develop in any family. Its formation is influenced by many family factors. In this regard, it is advisable to talk not about hereditary, but about family predisposition to addictive behavior. Therefore, the most important risk factor is antisocial families with drunkenness, delinquent behavior and abuse. Indirectly, the tendency to dependent behavior can be determined by the typological characteristics of the nervous system, such as low adaptability to new situations, low mood, increased sensitivity and contact; under other unfavorable conditions, they influence the formation of addictive behavior.

The following psychological characteristics of persons with addictive forms of behavior are identified:

1. Reduced tolerance to the difficulties of everyday life, along with good tolerance to crisis situations.

2. A hidden inferiority complex, combined with outwardly demonstrated superiority.

3. External sociability, combined with fear of persistent emotional contacts.

4. The desire to tell lies.

5. The desire to blame others, knowing that they are innocent.

6. The desire to evade responsibility in decision making.

7. Stereotypic, repetitive behavior.

8. Addiction.

9. Anxiety.

Petrovsky also adds that an addictive personality is characterized by the phenomenon of “thirst for thrills,” characterized by an incentive to take risks due to the experience of overcoming danger. A.E. Lichko emphasized that special types of character accentuations (unstable, conformal, epileptoid, hyperthymic) play an important role in the development of addictive behavior. Another important individual factor influencing individual behavior may be low stress resistance.

It is assumed that addictive behavior occurs when coping function—mechanisms for coping with stress—is impaired. Research shows differences in coping behavior between healthy and addicted people. For example, drug-addicted adolescents demonstrate characteristic reactions to stress such as avoidance of problem solving, denial, and isolation. Lack of spirituality, lack of meaning in life, inability to take responsibility for one’s life—these and other essential characteristics of a person, or rather, their deformations, undoubtedly also contribute to the formation of dependent behavior and its maintenance.

Speaking about the factors of dependent behavior, it should be emphasized once again that it is based on natural human needs. The tendency to addiction in general is a universal human characteristic. Under certain conditions, however, some neutral objects turn into vital ones for the individual, and the need for them increases to the point of uncontrollability. Drug addiction is a particular problem. In Russia, more than 100,000 drug addicts die from overdose per year, all of them aged 15–35 years. Outbreaks of heroinism at the beginning of the 20th century in the United States, codeineism in the 1930s in Canada, amphetamineism in Japan and barbituratism in Scandinavia after World War II forced the definition of drug addiction as a class of diseases. The first definitions of these diseases concerned the advanced stages of alcoholism and morphinism.

Early signs of the disease and its initial stages were not taken into account. The variety of forms of the disease in the first WHO definitions was limited to two: habituation and addiction. The first was close to a habit and was seen as a bad skill, the second - as drug addiction itself. At the same time, the relationship between these two states was not only not foreseen, but was also denied. The principle of dynamic assessment of drug addiction was absent until the 50s of the 20th century. Basic concepts of narcology Narcotic drugs are substances of synthetic or natural origin that have a numbing effect on the psyche and cause a feeling of euphoria, included in the List of narcotic drugs subject to control in the Russian Federation in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation, including the Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs of 1961 . To determine a substance as a narcotic drug, three criteria are used:

• medical - it determines the specific effect on the central nervous system (stimulant, sedative, hallucinogenic), leading to their repeated non-medical use;
• social - determines the consumption of a substance in amounts that assume a socially significant scale, involving large masses of the population, criminogenic;
• legal - consists of inclusion in the List of Narcotic Substances by the relevant regulations of authorized institutions. In our country, such an institution is the permanent drug control committee. The recognition of a substance as a narcotic drug is approved by the Government of the Russian Federation.

Substances recognized as narcotic substances are subject to export and import only within the framework of the Single Convention of 1961 under the system of common information of the parties and the single supervisory authority of the United Nations (UN). The term “toxicomaniac” refers to substances and drugs that are not classified as narcotic or psychotropic in accordance with the 1961 and 1971 Conventions, but are subject to abuse, cause painful conditions and change the psyche and behavior. For the convenience of presenting the material, we used the term “psychoactive substances” (PAS), which is a collective name that includes a large group of substances that specifically act on the central nervous system. When taken once, psychoactive substances can cause euphoria or other changes in mental functions, and when taken systematically, they can cause mental and physical dependence. Drug addiction is a disease caused by the use for non-medical purposes of substances classified as narcotic drugs by legislative acts, and manifested by a certain clinical picture. Substance abuse is a disease caused by taking substances for non-medical purposes that are not classified as narcotic drugs by law.

WHO defines drug addiction and substance abuse as “states of chronic progressive intoxication with natural or synthetic substances, characterized by increased tolerance, development of mental and sometimes physical dependence, compulsive attraction and mental, neurological and somatic disorders, social decompensation.”

A number of substances used to artificially induce an increase in performance, relieve feelings of fatigue and create a psychophysical state favorable for the performance of any task are defined by authorized bodies in the prescribed manner as doping. Doping can include both narcotic and psychotropic substances, as well as psychoactive and substances that do not have a specific effect on the central nervous system - hormones, etc.

Narcotism, or periodic narcotization, implies episodic or moderate use of drugs and psychoactive substances without the formation of drug addiction or substance abuse. Abuse of narcotic and toxic substances - repeated, episodic and excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages, narcotic and substance abuse drugs for non-medical purposes without clinical signs of disease, but with adverse social consequences and health disorders of the individual. Making this diagnosis requires preventive observation in drug treatment institutions.

Formally, in accordance with the law, alcoholism should be classified as a substance abuse disorder, but due to a number of circumstances - special social significance, more complete study, developed medical, social and legal system of rehabilitation, etc. - alcoholism is preferably considered as an independent nosological unit in the taxonomy of diseases pathological dependence.

The use of two or more drugs simultaneously or periodically with the formation of dependence is defined as polydrug addiction. Polydrug addiction involves a wide range of combinations. The prevalence of polydrug addiction can be judged by the degree of their everyday popularity and slang designations: yellow jackets (a combination of sodium pentobarbital with alcohol), blue angels (a combination of sodium amytal with alcohol), red devils (a combination of sodium secobarbital with alcohol). They also contain an indication of the clinical manifestations of mixed intoxication: “blue angels”, “red devils”.

Polysubstance abuse is substance abuse due to the simultaneous or periodic use of two or more psychoactive substances that are not drugs. Cases where a patient has used a particular drug for a long time and then, for a number of reasons, switched to using another drug are assessed as a transformation of one type of drug addiction to another. This transition is observed within one type of addiction (heroin, morphine, codeine), in groups of similar types of addiction (alcohol and barbiturates), as well as during the formation of a new type of addiction (barbiturates and amphetamines). Transformation is a forced measure, due to the fact that the previously used drug has become unavailable, or the desired euphoric effect upon its administration is absent.

Complicated drug addiction is the combined use of a narcotic and non-narcotic psychoactive drug, which has caused the development of pathological dependence. Symptomatic drug addiction, or substance abuse, is a pathological dependence that has developed against the background of the presence of any pathology of the central nervous system (organic damage, procedural disease, etc.). A disease of pathological dependence that has developed as a result of medical use of a substance (narcotic analgesics, sleeping pills, tranquilizers) is called iatrogenic drug addiction, or substance abuse.

Both narcotic drugs and psychotropic substances have different rates of development of dependence on them. The rate of development of the disease, determined by the pharmacological properties of the substance, is called druggenicity. A drug addict is a person who, based on the results of a medical examination conducted in accordance with the Federal Law “On Narcotic Drugs and Psychotropic Substances,” has been diagnosed with drug addiction. A comparative analysis of various forms of surfactant abuse showed that in all forms there are identical symptoms of special “relationships” between the surfactant and the body and their natural dynamics. This made it possible to identify specific drug addiction syndromes, which constitute the essence of drug addiction.

I. N. Pyatnitskaya defines drug addiction as a condition defined by:

• syndrome of altered reactivity to the action of a given drug (defensive reactions, tolerance, form of consumption, form of intoxication);
• mental dependence syndrome (obsessive desire, mental comfort in intoxication);
• physical dependence syndrome (compulsive craving, loss of control over the dose, withdrawal syndrome, physical comfort in intoxication).

These three syndromes, together with the syndrome of psychosomatic decline and the syndrome of the consequences of chronic intoxication, constitute the Great Drug Syndrome, which distinguishes a drug addict from a healthy person. Models of addictive behavior Addictions include alcohol abuse, drug addiction and gaming addiction, Internet addiction, and workaholism. Addictions refer to addictive behaviors that are self-destructive and can lead a person to disaster.

Addictions are expressed by the desire to escape reality by consciously changing one’s mental state by taking certain substances or focusing on certain types of activities, which is accompanied by subjectively pleasant emotional experiences.

The addiction to substances or related activities becomes so strong over time that it begins to control the person. Initially, there is an experience of heightened mood, euphoria, or pleasant risk. Substances or activities are then resorted to with increasing frequency. Further, addictive behavior becomes a life stereotype, displaces all types of other activities and changes the personality itself.

Pathological passion replaces the personality, only one shell remains of it. Models of behavior for addiction to psychoactive substances Calming model. The use of surfactants is aimed at relieving tension and achieving relaxation; escape from unsightly reality, from difficult life circumstances. The main motive for drug use is a high level of tension, a predominance of low mood, irritability, and gloominess.

Individuals use psychoactive substances to correct their emotional state: reduce anxiety, depression, and apathy. The use of psychoactive substances is used as a method of self-medication in the initial stages of the development of emotional disorders.

Communication model. Dependence arises due to unmet needs for communication, love, and goodwill. Taking psychoactive substances makes it easier to communicate with peers of the same and opposite sex. The feeling of isolation and shyness is overcome, and self-confidence appears. This remedy is most often used by closed, anxious, suspicious, emotionally vulnerable teenagers.

Activating model. The use of surfactants to increase vitality and vigor. In the same way, a way out of the state of boredom, mental emptiness and inaction is achieved.

Hedonic model. The use of surfactants is used to obtain pleasant sensations and create mental and physical comfort. The desire to escape into a fantasy, hallucinatory world in order to experience a state of euphoria can lead to the formation of a painful addiction.

Conformal model. “Be with everyone, be like everyone else” (typical for teenagers). The desire of adolescents to imitate, to be accepted by the group, to assert themselves in the group - all this can be the reason for the use of psychoactive substances. To a greater extent, this model applies to highly suggestible, anxious and suspicious teenagers who blindly imitate their leaders and uncritically adopt all the rules of behavior of the group.

Manipulative model. The use of psychoactive substances to manipulate others, to demonstrate their exclusivity. In order to attract attention and gain authority, drugs or alcohol are used.

Compensatory model. This model of behavior is determined by the need to compensate for some kind of personal inferiority, disharmony of character. Life difficulties, conflicts at school and at home can act as triggers for the use of psychoactive substances.

Why does a person become addicted?

Reasons for dependent relationships

• emotional immaturity;
• low self-esteem and self-doubt;
• unwillingness to bear responsibility;
• fear of loneliness;
• psychological trauma, including childhood trauma;
• improper upbringing;
• complexes that form erroneous fears;
• frequent criticism and lack of praise;
• lack of adequate motivation;
• the desire to become ideal for someone, and not for oneself;
• conflicts with one’s own “I”;
• incorrect assessment of one's strengths.

What is the cause of dependent relationships?

If you recognize yourself, your partner or the history of your acquaintances/relatives, you will probably be interested: what is the reason for this picture, what is wrong, why did this happen?

The causes of emotional dependence are usually:

• parental dislike in childhood;
• the presence of psychotrauma suffered in childhood;
• excessive parental care;
• noticeably low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence;
• the desire to receive approval and praise from parents and others;
• disrespectful attitude of parents;
• existence in poor material conditions;
• emotional infantility;
• fear of one's own uselessness;
• fear of loneliness;
• inability to take responsibility for one's behavior;
• frequent criticism;
• the desire to be subordinate to someone;
• improper upbringing;
• an absurd idea of ​​love, the desire to be one with the object of adoration, to be together from morning to evening;
• the presence of psychological complexes.

How dependence on a person is formed

The preconditions begin in childhood if the child is not loved properly by the people who mean the most to him. Over time, they become fixed and transferred from one loveless relationship to another. Missing love in childhood, a person constantly seeks it as an adult. Melancholy and loneliness do not go away, becoming stronger and stronger.

Also, the lack of love provokes intrapersonal conflict and low self-esteem. This inability to value and trust oneself creates a negative cycle of needs, which stage by stage increases dependence on another person: the initial euphoria requires an increase in the dose of the love object, concentration reaches its limit and begins to fall, disappointment sets in. And at the last stage, the addict tries with all his might to “re-educate” a significant person, to “adjust” his attitude to his ideal framework.

And the result of emotional blackmail will be the inevitable collapse of relationships and severe psychological trauma, including suicide attempts. And all this just to feel your own worth. Therefore, the addict will again and again “play” the humble role, in the hope of somehow reducing the damage caused over the years.

Please note: emotional addiction is a terrible condition because the addict never feels content, happy or fulfilled without the approval of another person.

What do we mean?

First, let's remember what it is. Addiction is an obsessive need to perform certain actions, despite their adverse consequences.

The examples are familiar to almost everyone. When someone realizes that he will feel bad from alcohol, but cannot stop, stop drinking. A person suffering from sexual addiction understands that he should not have relationships with different women, this worsens his relationship with his wife, interferes with his work, and interferes with himself, but he cannot change his behavior.

There are two key points in defining addiction: compulsion and adverse consequences. Addiction is always defensive in nature, it is an escape from reality. Over time, addiction takes on a generalized character, that is, it takes over the person completely.

An alcohol addict not only drinks a lot of it. This becomes the main topic of his conversations and the motive for his actions; he chooses people he knows with the same characteristics, and creates many rituals around consumption. If you remove booze from his life, this very life, according to his subjective feelings, will lose meaning. Because there is almost nothing left in it except alcohol.

This applies to both chemical and behavioral addiction: religious and computer addiction, addiction to sports, plastic surgery and healthy lifestyle, shopping and workaholism have the same characteristics.

However, there is one type of congenital addiction that has almost the same characteristics, with the exception of one: it does not have negative consequences, but, on the contrary, there are positive ones, which gives us reliable support in life.

This is our need for other people and close relationships with them.

Types of psychological dependence on a person

Love

It all starts like in a fairy tale: lovers are together all the time, enjoy each other and don’t need anyone. But when hormones subside, there is a desire to devote time to other things or people. Healthy relationships move to the next stage, and toxic ones begin to collapse. The dependent partner perceives such aspirations as a loss of interest in his person, betrayal and dislike. He begins to be “eaten up” by jealousy, resentment, and anger. All this results in an endless stream of quarrels, manipulations and even threats.

Friendly

The picture is very similar to love addiction, with the only difference that the characters are friends. The same jealousy takes place, the fear of losing a loved one, the urgent need for his presence nearby. If a friend makes a new acquaintance or significant other, the addict falls into a stupor, experiences strong resentment, anger, and feels betrayed.

Parental

It is formed in early childhood due to improper upbringing. As a rule, these are despotic parents with a totalitarian parenting style, who themselves are deeply unhappy or have become victims of circumstances (from a single-parent family, unloved, with psychological trauma). They use every means to suppress the child’s desire for independence, thus cultivating a huge number of complexes.

Such parents are afraid of loneliness, because if their child no longer needs them, they will lose the meaning of life. Therefore, they try to keep him near them: they invent illnesses, promise an inheritance, make threats. At the same time, depriving a maturing person of the opportunity to develop socially important skills (bear responsibility, make decisions, adequately assess their capabilities).

What is addiction

Photo by Matilda Wormwood: Pexels
Addiction is an irresistible attraction to something, that is, to objects, substances, even people.

There are several signs of addictive behavior:

• a person feels the need to perform certain actions, without which he feels discomfort;
• directs all his activity precisely towards satisfying his addiction, while refusing self-development, relegating any other life goals and dreams to the background;

• a person loses social connections, they lose significance for him;
• denies the fact that he has a problem;
• suffers setbacks in his career, personal life, in severe cases of addiction he finds himself in a situation of financial disadvantage, since all his money is spent on satisfying his addiction.

The more a person indulges in their addictive behavior, the more it gets worse. The body quickly adapts, so a person has to increase the “dose” more and more. Ultimately, the body can no longer exist without the source of its dependence, and the person gets used to it both psychologically and physiologically.

And if earlier a person understood that, if necessary, he could control himself, then, unnoticed by himself, he loses this control. His life begins to be completely subordinated to additive behavior.

Signs of a person's dependence on other people

Main features

1. Constant need to be close to other people.
2. A persistent feeling of insecurity.
3. Obsessive fear of losing a partner.
4. Constant feeling of guilt if your partner is not given maximum attention.
5. The belief that you are not good enough to be with your partner (feelings of inferiority).
6. Acceptance of psychological and physical suffering due to fear of losing the relationship.
7. Constant and dominant feeling of anxiety.

How to identify such an addiction in yourself

If you:

• idealize your relationship or partner;
• believe that without your loved one, your life has no meaning or value;
• you think that you will not find happiness and security if you are alone;
• are constantly afraid of being rejected;
• feel empty or anxious when spending time alone;
• are not confident in themselves, and self-esteem is increased only by the praise of a partner;
• You often experience jealousy or possessive feelings.

Even the presence of one positive answer indicates that the risk of developing emotional dependence is quite high.

A consultation with our psychologists can dispel all doubts. Practicing specialists will understand your situation and help you find answers to all your questions. It is easier to get rid of addiction to a person in the early stages, before it develops into an addiction.

Psychological dependence: what is it and why does it occur?

Psychological dependence on another person is most often associated with raising a child and traumatic childhood experiences. Children always want to be in close contact with their parents, mainly their mother. If for some reason the mother cannot provide reliable healthy attachment, the child will begin to cling to her out of fear of losing her and will try to occupy all the parents’ free time.

As an addict grows up, he will transfer the experience of unhealthy attachment to his love relationships. The psychology of an unloved child gives rise to a strong desire to be nearby all the time, both physically and psychologically, to occupy the entire surrounding space of another person, and the fear of loss plunges into despair. Such people are obsessive, clingy, instantly blur boundaries, and literally tear themselves away from their loved one if necessary, to separate, even experiencing physical pain, they are not able to free themselves from the feelings that engulf them.

Here are the main factors leading to emotional dependence:

• low self-esteem;
• psychological complexes;
• childhood trauma;
• unrealistic fears and fantasies;
• non-adaptive types of upbringing in the parental family;
• disrespectful parental attitude towards the baby;
• high parental expectations that the little person could not meet;
• ridiculous ideas about love: Love is sharing everything in half, being always close, having common interests, thoughts and desires, etc.;
• the desire to merge with another, to become part of something larger;
• incorrect perception of one's own boundaries;
• a masochistic desire to be subjugated by someone;
• the desire to play the role of a child and relive childhood with a parent who will always be there this time.

Why you need to get rid of addiction

Emotional dependence is very dangerous, especially when a person cannot recognize it in time to avoid negative patterns (patterns of behavior):

Loss of self-esteem

Starting from low self-esteem, emotional dependence completely destroys self-confidence. Internal conflict grows, destroying one’s own “I” and relationships. Because the connection with the personality that the person was at the beginning of the relationship is lost.

Isolation and loss of social skills

Finding yourself in a toxic and all-consuming relationship, a person becomes isolated. When communication with the outside world is cut off, he quickly loses the social skills that are invaluable for long-term happiness. This encourages unconstructive self-criticism, making the situation even worse.

Physical and psychological violence

Isolating oneself with a partner on whom one relies entirely increases the risk of physical and psychological violence in a relationship.

At some point, the object of love may mistake dependence for weakness. This situation leads to an imbalance of power and to the fact that the partner takes a “dominant role.” The longer the isolation occurs, the more sinister this domination can become. After all, when one partner sees that the happiness of the other is completely dependent on him, it becomes easier for him to exert pressure, manipulate, act hostilely or even contemptuously. Destruction of well-being

When dependence on another person is deeply ingrained, it becomes an important part of who the person is. It plays a decisive role in everything that concerns emotions, and therefore well-being. A dependent person suffers from dysphoric (painfully low) mood, depression, strong feelings of guilt, emptiness, loneliness (despite even the status of the relationship).

Important: the healthiest type of relationship is interdependent, as this is the “golden mean”. Interdependence also means that a person is acutely aware of his or her emotional needs and makes personal efforts to meet them rather than at the expense of others.

Stages of love addiction

Like other addictions: drugs, alcohol, nicotine, love, it develops in stages, depending on the initial mental disorders of the patient, he can go through all stages very quickly or gradually.

First: Euphoria

At the beginning of a relationship, the addict experiences happiness from the emotions of love he experiences, he “grows wings”, he feels full of life. He adores the whole world, he wants to sing, laugh, and an as yet unformed desire appears - to be with this person always. To grow old together and die on the same day.

Second: Increasing the dose

The desire to be constantly nearby grows stronger and becomes a need. Meetings, no matter how many there are, are always few. The feeling of love overshadows everything, everyday affairs: work, study fade into the background. A person lives in anticipation of a meeting, experiences euphoria and happiness and immediately begins to wait for the next date, cannot survive even short separations.

Third: Disappointment

Fleur subsides, her beloved does not live up to the dependent ideal drawn in her head. There is disappointment, fruitless attempts to still discern a fictitious image in a living person. Every time a person encounters reality, a person experiences suffering, and this, oddly enough, only binds him more to the object of passion.

Fourth: Become what I want

This stage can last for a very long time. The addict tries to remake his loved one and his behavior in accordance with his ideas about him in any way. It is impossible to change an adult personality, but an addict cannot leave or accept another for who he is. This activity gives rise to anger, fear, irritation, and jealousy in the patient. He can no longer back down, since he has invested a disproportionate amount of effort, time and emotions into this relationship. Soon there is no love left at all, only dependence, fear and a feeling of despair.

Attention The main difficulty in treating love addiction is how to get rid of it if a person does not want to free himself from this condition. A patient suffering from emotional love addiction perceives his mental pain as a manifestation of “true” love and is voluntarily ready to suffer and does not want to treat it.

How to get rid of addiction to a person

What you need to be prepared for

Recovering from an addiction is a painful experience, and you will have to face some unpleasant truths. Face your fears and fight them. To become a holistic and harmonious person again. And most importantly, learn to love yourself and take responsibility for your life into your own hands. Only then will it be possible to throw off the shackles of psychological dependence.

Steps to freedom from addiction

1. Recognize the problem.
2. End toxic relationships.
3. Work on errors.
4. Turn your face towards yourself and get to know yourself.
5. Fill the inner emptiness with self-love.
6. Become an independent and holistic person.
7. Build healthy and harmonious relationships.

How to overcome dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

Sport will be an excellent medicine. By improving his body, a person gains self-confidence and increases his self-esteem. Yoga helps to cope with negative emotions, and dancing helps to get rid of accumulated energy. Psychologists also recommend engaging in creativity, leading an active social life, and under no circumstances withdrawing into yourself. New acquaintances, hobbies, and success at work give positive emotions, which are extremely necessary when getting rid of addiction to another person.

Step-by-step instructions for overcoming addiction

• Step 1 – AWARENESS.
  Start by recognizing and accepting the fact that addiction exists. Mentally talk to yourself, say that you would like to get rid of this condition. This step is very important, the brain is accustomed to thinking that this is love, not addiction, your sincere readiness for change will force the subconscious to look for options to change the situation.
• Step 2 – SOLUTION.
  The next step should be a firm decision to leave the painful relationship or a decision to change your personality (thoughts and behavior) within the existing relationship. It is necessary to understand that dependent relationships are supported by both participants in the union, so if you get rid of addiction, your partner will either have to change in order to follow you into a new healthy relationship, or leave himself.
• Step 3 – DEFINING BOUNDARIES.
  Learn to refuse your partner and defend your position. At this stage, self-love gradually returns, you will begin to do what you like, listen to your desires.
• Step 4 – FILLING THE VOID .
  In a dependent relationship, your own hobbies have long faded into the background. Start getting to know yourself again. You can make a list, indicate in it what your partner gives you that you cannot give yourself, and start bringing joy to yourself. You can also listen to yourself, remember what you loved to do, what was interesting to you, resume lost friendships or family relationships, return to an old hobby or find a new one. Sports or dancing can be an effective medicine, because by improving one’s body, a person not only increases self-esteem, but also gains health and a good mood.
• Step 5 – STUDY YOUR PROBLEM FROM THE INSIDE.
  Addiction is a complex psychological condition, and not everyone can cope with it on their own or see their problem from the outside. In our “Psychology of Addiction” course, experienced teachers will tell you how to cope with emotional dependence, teach methods of mental correction and help you acquire a new profession as a psychologist to help not only yourself, but also other people in a similar situation.
• Step 7 – NEW RELATIONSHIP.
  Start building new relationships or analyze your feelings in existing relationships - how strong is your addiction still, is there any change for the better. To do this, on a scale from 1 to 100, determine how happy you are.

Why and when you should see a psychologist

Emotional dependence is not just a state of mind. It is a verifiable psychological disorder that manifests itself in different ways and at different stages of life. In any case, a person must understand that he has become a victim of someone else’s choice and is not living his own life. That filling the inner emptiness is not the task of others. And true emotional satisfaction can only be achieved by self-love.

Important: it is impossible to be healed by another person. We need to heal that broken child that lives inside.

This is very serious work on yourself, which requires clear guidance. In the process of psychological rehabilitation, a person changes his thinking and gets rid of negative attitudes. Learn to live again. Therefore, there should be a professional nearby who will help you find the true causes and eliminate them correctly. Otherwise the situation will only get worse.

Our specialists often encounter similar situations and successfully help overcome any addiction.

Even one consultation with a psychologist will bring invaluable benefits. You can leave a request at any time, the service is open 24 hours. Within 5 minutes a specialist will be selected for your individual request. And the first 20 minutes of consultation are free.

Is it possible to cope with addiction?

The longer a person indulges his addiction, the more difficult it is for him to cope with it. At the initial stage, willpower and internal motivation may be enough for him, but in severe cases this becomes impossible without medication and psychological help.

However, this process is not quick and requires serious work on yourself. Medication alone will not help you cope with addiction, because when a person is discharged from the hospital, he returns to a life that does not satisfy him. Moreover, this life is devoid of the only meaning that he had in recent years, and perhaps most of his life - the object of his dependence.

At the level of psychological assistance, cognitive and behavioral therapy, gestaltherapy, working through psychological trauma, working with depression and fears are effective. A person needs to master new patterns of behavior, learn to predict and analyze situations that provoke the desire to return to addiction, and look for constructive ways to gain pleasure.

Human addiction test

1. Do you often feel anxious when you think about your relationship?
2. Can you say no to your loved one?
3. Is your partner's approval vital to you?
4. Do you often get jealous without objective reasons?
5. Do you have leadership qualities?
6. If your partner praises you, do you feel happy?
7. Can you imagine your life without a partner?
8. Does your loved one's dissatisfaction make you panic?
9. Can you improve your emotional state on your own?
10. If there was no significant person in your life, would you experience uncertainty?

1-2 positive answers indicate the initial stage of addiction. If you answered “yes” to 3-5 questions, this is already the second stage of emotional dependence. If more than 5, the addiction is pathological and immediate help from a psychologist is required.