How to get rid of addiction to a man? Psychology of relationships between men and women

October 10, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Angelica Braldi

Is attachment to a person a bad thing? Why fight her? Does everyone need the notorious independence? Why shouldn't a woman adore her partner? After all, love implies a partial dissolution of one’s own “I” in the one on whom “the white light converges like a wedge.”

Indeed, strong feelings, passion, devotion, adoration are good. But dependence on another person does not manifest itself in them at all and only brings harm to a woman and destroys her personality. The basis of addiction is not love at all, but fears, complexes, obsessive states, negative experiences, thinking stereotypes and other similar phenomena. Accordingly, dependence on a partner can be attributed to mental or emotional disorders. That is, in fact, this condition is a disease that needs treatment.

What is addiction?

In psychology, the term “addiction syndrome” is used. This condition is a pathology that requires specific treatment. Psychologists call the emotional need for another person a separate term - “codependency.”

According to the definition, this is a special state characterized by a specific combination of mental, emotional and physiological phenomena that determine the need for something or someone, elevating this object to first place in the system of life values.

Dependence can be both physiological, psychological and emotional. Both subtypes of this pathology have three stages of development:

initial;
average;
final

Of course, the easiest way to deal with this syndrome is in its initial stage. However, the question of how to get rid of dependence on a man usually arises only when the pathology becomes obvious and noticeable to both the woman herself and those around her. And this is precisely what makes the process of getting rid of the syndrome very long and difficult.

How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - 5 steps from a psychologist:

Step #1: Focus

The lack of ability to notice oneself and the surrounding reality is the main problem of any addicted person. He tends to forget himself, fly away into fantasies or thoughts about the past, get lost in alcohol, food or another person, stop feeling reality as it is, and brighten it up with his fantasies.

Therefore, the first way to get rid of love addiction is the willingness to notice yourself and feel reality as it is. To feel, understand, feel, realize, admit to yourself - this is what any addict needs to learn.

Step #2: Fear of Life

One of the most important reasons for addiction is fear of life. A person, afraid of meeting himself and reality, runs away. In another. Into a relationship. Alcohol/food/drugs/TV series/books/games.

Fear of life refers to many different fears, for example, fear of contact, intimacy, the opposite sex, change. Due to the inability to cope with fear, a person, instead of solving the problem, chooses to escape from it into his (his chosen) addiction.

Thus, the second step to getting out of dependence on a man/woman is to stop being afraid of life. Learn to live as actively as possible. Express yourself to the fullest. Learn to live every day as if it were your last. Don't be afraid to go into maximum activity. Take each new day as a gift, and use this gift, and not put it away in a dusty closet for a rainy day.

I also made a video for you about what neurotic dependence is, how it differs from love, and how to get rid of it:

Step #3: Return to yourself

Love addiction is accompanied by a blurring of one’s own boundaries and those of a partner. The difficulty arises in understanding where my needs end and the needs of another begin. This fog that fills relationships creates tension and internal dissatisfaction. Addiction, controlling behavior, jealousy, insecurity, and fear of losing arise.

In order for you to learn to understand within yourself where you end and the other begins, so that you can get rid of love addiction and learn to build healthy relationships, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love.”

After reading it, you will learn to distinguish your real desires from desires associated with the fear of losing your partner, learn to talk about your needs and defend them. By completing tasks in the book, you will become a complete person, complete on your own, in the absence of another person. You will learn to love yourself and stop acting dependently, you will communicate with your partner freely, without ingratiation, control and fear of being alone. This recovery from addiction will allow you to build healthy partnerships where everyone is whole in themselves, and builds a union simply for the sake of sharing the joy of their own life with another.

You can read the full description and reviews of the book by following the link.

Step #4: Processing the Trauma

Addiction is an attachment disorder that develops in early childhood. In most cases, the trauma is caused like this: the mother was physically absent, often abandoned or left for a long time. Also, the emotional absence of the mother can lead to trauma - when there is no sincere, spiritual involvement in the upbringing process. This leads to the fact that in adulthood a person develops a violation of attachment with all other people. For example, he may act distant, avoid most people, reject the need for intimacy, and appear self-sufficient and independent. And at the same time, become strongly attached to a partner or close friend. Today he can be cold and inaccessible, increasing the distance, and tomorrow he can cling like a bath leaf and be afraid of losing.

Processing attachment trauma on your own is difficult. I am a psychologist, and I conduct consultations via Skype, where I help solve pressing issues and improve the quality of life. The problem of dependencies is one of the main areas of my work. I invite you to my consultation to work through your traumas and get out of an addictive state. You can find out the cost and sign up using the link, and read reviews about me and my work here.

Step #5: Desires

The peculiarity of any addicted person is a loss of reality, an escape from it, an escape from oneself and the world around him, from the present moment. I know another powerful way to bring yourself back to yourself and be in touch with yourself. This method is about learning to understand who you are and what you really want. Find out what you want and start giving it to yourself. Fulfilling your own desires not only returns you to reality, but also relieves you of addiction due to the fact that you learn in a direct way, and not distorted, to give yourself those emotions that the object of your addiction used to give you.

By desires I mean everything that brings you joy and pleasure. You can read about how to learn to recognize your desires and achieve your goals here.

As you fulfill your own desires, you will gradually realize that you are now constructively receiving everything that previously you could only receive from another person. In the process of these realizations, your thoughts will be restructured. But you definitely need to combine this method with working on the others, otherwise it may take too much time and never bring results.

What are the features of this emotional state?

Many women associate dependence in a relationship with submission to a man, “serving” his interests and the loss of their own personality. Without a doubt this is true. However, these conditions are only a small part of the overall picture. A woman can be completely dependent, but at the same time not submit, but dominate.

Psychologists identify the following roles that a woman dependent on them can play in a relationship:

savior;
pursuer, huntress;
victim.

There are three main types called the Karpman triangle. Such socio-psychological roles are characteristic of any relationship between people, but with addiction they take on exaggerated forms.

Accordingly, how to get rid of psychological dependence on a man should begin with awareness of the problem and with defining your type and role.

What is emotional slavery

Emotional slavery in relationships arises quite simply. At first, a woman feels admiration from her partner - he looks after her beautifully, gives flowers, and gives compliments.

After the relationship has taken root and the main passion has passed, the woman feels uncomfortable that the compliments and attentions have ended. The girl tries to do something, but does not receive approval. This leads to even greater despondency and complexes.

More and more often, questions arise in a girl’s head: “What if he doesn’t love me?” "What if he has another one." This relationship can be saved and preserved if the woman stops focusing on the approval of her chosen one.

Important! A man can also relieve a woman of her cravings. You can't always encourage your partner like a little child. However, one should not ridicule failures; this will lead to even greater complexes.

What is the most common role?

As a rule, female “victims” turn to psychologists for help. They often do this under the influence of public opinion. “Chasers”, as a rule, do not notice any special problems, and other people usually envy them. If these are financially secure, socially independent women, then throughout their lives they do not realize that they are dependent.

“Savior” is the most common socio-psychological role. Women “love” losers, guys “with a sea of melancholy in their eyes”, suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction, terminally ill people, “unrecognized geniuses” and everyone else who needs help, pity, care, guardianship. This type of dependence grows out of maternal instinct, and it is very terrible for the female psyche.

A woman with such dependence completely devotes herself to caring for a man, to the point of forgetting about her own appearance, not to mention hobbies, interests, hobbies, and tastes. At the same time, the whole family is “subordinate” to the man; if a woman has children, they are in second place, and she also requires them to take care of the man.

The woman herself is absolutely convinced that “without her, her beloved will be lost.” She needs to constantly “save” the man, protect, protect, “stand guard over his interests.” Such women are convinced that only they “understand” their chosen one.

This form of addiction is scary not only for women. It cripples the psyche of children and completely destroys the already weak personality of a man. A self-sufficient, accomplished, successful husband does not need saving; accordingly, insecure individuals become partners of such women. Over the years, from such a “clogged life” a real tyrant, a domestic despot, grows. This happens because the man is trying to psychologically resist the “savior.”

Sexual addiction

A special case of emotional addiction is sexual addiction. She is characterized by an obsessive desire for sexual intercourse. If love addiction is characterized by a painful connection with one partner, then for sexual addiction it is not the object that comes first, but the action itself. Sexual addiction is more common in men. As in the cases of other addictions, for a sexaholic the object of his sexual addiction is a way to escape from reality, from himself and his own feelings. People with this type of addiction are characterized by numerous emotional difficulties: a tendency to low mood, impulsiveness, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt and shame, inner emptiness, the habit of hiding their problems from loved ones, inability to get pleasure from other sources, combination with other addictions, problems with health.

Do dependence on a partner have characteristic common features?

Before you try to get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it really exists. Of course, each case is individual and has its own characterizing nuances. However, psychologists identify a number of common signs, the presence of which in a relationship should cause caution.

Common signs of dependence on a partner include the following:

self-deception, denial of reality, cultivation of one’s delusions;
compulsions - rituals observed regularly and thoroughly, this can be any “household tradition”; in the presence of pathology, an error in the order of “conducting the ritual” or neglect of it becomes a real tragedy;
feelings of guilt or self-hatred;
belittling one's own importance, falling self-esteem;
aggression that is difficult to control, anger, rage;
control, constant provision of assistance without requests for it;
pressure and decision-making “for two”;
anticipating needs, thoughts, actions, words or desires;
pity, anxiety;
ignoring one's own needs;
fixation on the interests of the partner;
problems in the intimate sphere, for example, the inability to relax and “disconnect” from thoughts during intercourse;
justifying any actions of the partner;
isolation;
the habit of “putting in order” the thoughts and feelings of another person.

Of course, not all of these signs are inherent in a specific addiction. For example, a “savior” will make decisions for a man during the day, and at night in bed she will think about whether he is comfortable. The “victim” will become depressed, withdraw into himself, and suffer from feelings of guilt.

Why does a person become addicted?

Dependence on the person, reasons:

1. Due to the fact that the addict has poorly constructed personal boundaries and he does not realize where his personality ends and where another person begins, emotional dependence on the person develops. He does not understand where his desires and dreams are, and where others are. He considers everything he wants to be common; everything his loved one wants either appropriates or rejects.

The addict also feels bad about his body, he cannot refuse intimacy, say “no,” and he himself suffers greatly if he is refused. For him, any “no” is a terrible insult and rejection. The patient does not live his own life, but the life of his loved one, his own desires and aspirations are nothing more than a dream, and he considers merging with another to be the only reality.

2. Dependence on a loved one can also arise due to a serious illness or the loss of a loved one; death of a parent, especially at an early age. The person is so frightened and shocked by this grief that he devotes all his strength to maintaining a close connection with his new loved one. The psychology of the traumatized person forces one to quickly become attached and completely dissolve in another, in the illusory hope that this closeness will never end.

But the basis still remains the inability to hear and appreciate oneself, diffuse personal boundaries. Such a person is anxious and scared alone, he does not feel like a full-fledged person, and he feels life only in merging with someone. Deep down, he feels unworthy of attention and love, and therefore a constant companion of painful attachment is a terrible fear of loss. He interprets any negative sign as proof that he is not loved.

Individuals prone to pathological love attachment constantly live in fear and anxiety, because of this they stick to their partner more and more, it seems to them that if they are constantly nearby, catching every gesture, look and word of their loved one, this will protect them from breaking up .

Important The basis of any addiction is the desire to shift control and responsibility for one’s own life, which a person does not know what to do and will never learn to cope with.

How can you tell if addiction is developing in a relationship?

The main signs can be noticed at the very beginning of the development of this pathology. In the early stages, coping with it is quite simple, and it is not at all necessary to separate from your partner.

What are these “alarm bells”? Psychologists recommend thinking about the nature of a relationship with a man if it contains the following:

a sharp loss of interest in what is happening around, a change in one’s own habits and tastes;
panic fear of separation, the thought of such a possibility terrifies;
aggression towards people who criticize a partner or consider the relationship not particularly successful;
idealization of a man, forgiveness and justification of any of his actions;
severe mood swings;
the desire not to be separated for a second.

Of course, these signs are also characteristic of intense love. Accordingly, having discovered their presence in your relationship, you do not need to get upset and resort to any drastic measures. And of course, we must not forget that before you get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it exists. Otherwise, you can lose true love and become lonely and unhappy.

Getting rid of addiction to a man

How to survive a breakup with a loved one - advice from a psychologist

How to get out of an addictive relationship with a man? First of all, the initiative should come from the girl herself. Without her desire it is almost impossible to do this. The following treatment methods are available:

The realization that such a relationship will have no future. After the euphoria passes, only everyday quarrels and problems will remain between the partners;
To overcome abnormal feelings, you need to try to find another person who evokes sympathy and direct energy towards him;
Less romanticism, more realism. Communication with people who are not subject to love passions helps to find peace of mind;
Look soberly at your partner’s shortcomings, understand that he is not an ideal being, but an ordinary person;
You can free yourself from addiction by throwing yourself into work and physical training;
Direct your energy in a different direction, stop constantly thinking about him. Hobbies and constant practice of self-development help to overcome attachment.

How to make sure that you are dependent on your partner?

How to understand what prevails in a relationship - love or dependence? In the virtual space you can find many different tests, and in glossy magazines you can find articles devoted to this issue.

But should you blindly trust them? The nature of every relationship is unique. What becomes a pathology in one couple, in another indicates love and respect. It is impossible to measure specific feelings with generalized concepts. Attachment to a person, participation in his life, passion for his interests, manifestations of care and respect - this is not a pathology.

How can you test your relationship without harming it? Psychologists recommend spending some time apart. We are not talking about a weekend, but about a much longer period of time. Moreover, you should refrain from constant phone calls or communications via the network. From a distance, things become apparent that cannot be seen up close.

If a woman is sad and strives to send photos of the surrounding landscapes, tell a man about the interesting place she is in - this indicates love. But if your hand automatically reaches for your smartphone to find out what shirt a man is wearing, whether he ironed it, what he took with him for lunch, what time he returned from work, these are symptoms of addiction.

Signs of love addiction

American writer Melody Beatty, popularizer of science, author of books on self-help in codependent relationships, names a number of key differences between love and addiction:

Love: There is space for spiritual growth, a desire for growth for another.
Dependency: Intensity of need and insatiability are perceived as evidence of love.
Love: Separate interests. Each partner can have their own friends.
Addiction: Total involvement. Old friends are abandoned, as are former interests.
Love: The desire for personal growth, confidence in one's own worth.
Dependency: All thoughts are occupied with the behavior of another, an urgent need for his approval.
Love: Trust, openness.
Dependency: Jealousy, the desire to possess another as property; fear of competition, the partner guards his “treasure”.
Love: Each partner is perceived as a separate, integral person.
Dependency: Only one partner's needs are met. The second participant in the relationship abandons himself.
Love: Partners feel good both together and alone.
Addiction: Intolerance of loneliness, separation. During a conflict, one of the partners clings even more tightly to the other. In case of separation or breakup - loss of appetite, drowsiness, anxiety, painful experiences.

The founder of the Love Addicts Anonymous program, Susan Peabody, identifies several types of people who experience similar difficulties:

1) obsessive addicts pursue partners who do not reciprocate their feelings, as well as cold people who avoid intimacy (or are incapable of it);

2) codependents try to show excessive care for their loved one, to be indispensable for their chosen one, to protect him from all possible troubles. They often get stuck in the Karpman triangle (aggressor - savior - victim), appearing in one role or another. The object of such passion is often a person with chemical dependence;

3) relationship addicts cannot leave partners they have long ceased to love.

Their union has outlived its usefulness, mutual humiliation or abuse is becoming common practice, but the love addict is not able to take the initiative and break up because he is pathologically afraid of loneliness;

4) narcissistic addicts behave aloof and indifferent, avoid intimacy until the moment when there is a real threat of ending the relationship. Then they begin to use any means to keep their partner;

5) ambivalent addicts have no problem saying: “We’re breaking up!” - but they cannot move forward because they subconsciously avoid intimacy. These people often fall in love with someone who is obviously unavailable and not interested in any relationship. They simultaneously want intimacy - and are afraid of it, not allowing communication to develop into something more.

How to cope?

How to get rid of addiction to a man? Is it possible to solve this problem on your own? Do you need the help of a psychotherapist? These and many other questions interest every woman who believes that she is dependent on her partner.

Psychologists advise approaching this problem step by step and rationally. This is very difficult; not every woman can “turn off” her emotions. For this reason, you may need help from other people. When talking with someone, it is much easier to abstract yourself from your experiences and look at the problem from the outside.

First you need to understand your socio-psychological role. They are rarely pure; as a rule, all three types of behavior are present, but one dominates, the second complements, and the third appears rarely, in exceptional situations. You can understand which role is the main one by analyzing an ordinary weekday; you should not think about reactions that arise in extreme situations.

After this stage, you need to begin analyzing characteristic sensations. For example, if a woman is a “victim,” what does she experience? Horror at the thought of separation? Fear of not ironing your shirt well enough? Is she afraid of the prospect of being abandoned or physically beaten? Is she unable to make decisions? Doesn't she want to be responsible herself? Does she consider herself unworthy of this particular man? Does it seem to her that her inner world is boring, but his is beautiful?

The list of questions is endless. Each woman has her own feelings and there are a lot of them. In order not to get confused in them, an initial definition of the social role is required. Based on the general enumeration of characteristics, we can identify the main, basic pathological emotions, for example, fear of loneliness.

After this, you need to understand when and how these sensations appeared. As a rule, they are not caused by a man. He acted as an “alarm clock”, which raised already existing complexes, fears and inclinations from the depths of the subconscious. In other words, you should fight precisely with these psychological problems, and not with your partner.

Of course, further actions depend on what emotions the woman experiences. One needs to get rid of fears, another needs to get rid of the addiction to manic control, and the third needs to get rid of feelings of self-doubt.

This is a complete plan on how to get rid of emotional dependence on a man and not find yourself in it again. After all, as a rule, women make the same mistakes in their relationships with different men. Having experienced the pangs of parting with one person and having managed to meet a new love, ladies often fall into addiction again. The reason for this cyclicality is that they fought not with the causes of the phenomenon, but with its symptoms.

How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - examples

Addiction is the inability to see objective reality, to look the problem in the eye. I will give a vivid example from my psychological practice of how this can manifest itself in relationships.

Elena is dating a married man – Vasily. Vasily promises her every week that he is about to leave his wife, and he and Elena will be happy together. Rose-colored glasses protect Elena from cruel reality: she does not notice that Vasily is doing his best to hide the fact of Elena’s existence from his wife. She doesn't pay attention to the fact that she has no right to call him herself. She also does not notice that only he can set the time and place of the meeting. She does not see that she is tied hand and foot in this relationship.

And even if Elena notices all this and gets angry, her brain still finds excuses for Vasily: “Apparently, this is necessary. He said that he didn’t want to hurt her. He'll tell you right after her birthday. He can’t delete her photo from his desktop, but she might suspect something. And we definitely need to wait for rain on Thursday so as not to hit her.”

The brain comes up with all these excuses in order not to traumatize Elena’s psyche. This is how the instinct of self-preservation works: in order to preserve the psyche, the brain adapts to the situation and creates the most comfortable conditions (thoughts) in order to leave everything as it is. This basic brain function was present in the very first people on earth. In those days, she saved a person from imminent death. The brain protected us from danger: “Don’t change anything, sit in this cave, don’t go far, there’s the unknown, you’ll freeze there, get stuck in a swamp, won’t find food, or you’ll be killed.”

At that time, this was really relevant, because death awaited at every turn. The brain did everything to leave a person in the so-called “comfort zone,” which essentially means “a place where one can survive, a place where it is safe.” And even if a person feels bad here, he is at least alive, and in the unknown there is a threat to his life.

Since those ancient times, the reality around us has changed a lot, but the firmware of the brain has remained the same. A person no longer lives in a cave and does not need a partner as much as air or water. But his brain still tightly protects him from any serious changes.

We can't do anything about the instinct of self-preservation, but we can learn to consciously live without addictions. After all, instinct is an unconscious thing. So how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind? How can you outwit your brain and learn to perceive reality consciously?

I present to you five specific steps, following which you will be able to get rid of love addiction and become a full-fledged, mature, psychologically healthy person.

How to understand that a woman is dependent on her partner and needs help?

The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is full of ambiguities, the absence of common patterns and unified approaches to emerging problems. For example, how to distinguish a woman in love, who is at the very beginning of a relationship, from an addict? How do you understand where the line ends between the desire to get to know your partner and the loss of your own self?

Of course, women themselves almost never notice how their feelings for a man develop into dependence on him. However, the people around her, friends, and relatives may well see an emerging problem and help the woman understand and overcome it at the earliest stages.

Although each situation is unique, all women prone to addiction show a number of the same signs at the beginning of its formation. Psychologists list the following among them:

inadequate reaction to criticism of a man, no matter what it concerns;
quick and absolute falling in love, after a couple of weeks of dating the woman is ready to run down the aisle;
the predominance in conversations of stories about how perfect and ideal a man is, delight in his every action or word;
complete loss of objectivity, the girl seems to be “under the first impression”;
increased attention to a man’s appearance, to his neatness - blowing off specks of dust, adjusting his collar, tie, cuffs, hair;
the manner of staying slightly behind a partner, even if people are holding hands.

In other words, although the motives for typical manifestations of addiction are different, all women demonstrate these signs. Therefore, looking from the outside, it is not so difficult to understand that a lady is prone to pathology.

Features of addiction in adulthood

In people of the older generation, realistic components of love are added to the normal primary falling in love.

Emotional sensitivity is complemented by the needs::

Receiving material benefits.
Awareness of one's own importance against the backdrop of relationships.
The joy of finding a like-minded person.
The pleasure of being able to take care of your loved one.

Subsequently, love is cemented by the birth and raising of children, and mutual solving of problems. In this case, a harmonious feeling develops if the described qualities come from both.

But even in this situation, the development of pathological relationships is possible. After all, every individual has many negative traits. At the beginning of a nascent relationship, when attention is paid only to the good, these qualities fade into the background. Sooner or later they make themselves known. And then destruction may occur. Broken relationships create a divide between people. It begins to grow, and against this background, signs of love addiction appear in one or both people.

Feelings of normal life can be clouded::

The emergence of jealousy.
Increased demands on your loved one.
The desire to fulfill only one’s will, without taking into account the opinion of the other half.
Misunderstandings due to different cultural levels.

People with love addiction, without understanding the essence of their problem, can suffer for years. Unfortunately, many do not even imagine that in most cases a psychologist can remove their difficulty.

What can cause addiction to form?

Advice from psychologists on how to free yourself from love addiction to a man, as a rule, begins with an explanation of the need to identify the causes of the pathology that has arisen. It can, of course, only be determined individually.

The most common, main reasons for the tendency to depend on a partner, psychologists include the following:

difficult childhood - difficulties in the family, authoritarian mother, father's alcoholism or something similar;
parental divorce;
inability to define the boundaries of personal space - this is caused by growing up in cramped conditions, in a common room;
categoricalness and severity, a penchant for patterns - this is the legacy of a specific upbringing;
presence of psychological trauma.

Mental trauma can occur in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. As a rule, it is associated with severe disappointment, betrayal or death.

Love Addicts Anonymous

The Love Addicts Anonymous program (ALZ or LAA - short for Love Addicts Anonymous) brings together people who want to get rid of obsessive thoughts about love. The community consists of groups and chats for self- and mutual help.

ALZ meetings resemble meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step communities. They take place regularly, several times a week, in different cities offline and online. The only condition for joining LAA is the desire to recover and get rid of love addiction. The organization has no entrance or membership fees; it exists on voluntary donations.

To understand whether you have an addiction according to the criteria of ALD, it is proposed to take a test by answering “yes” or “no” to 40 statements.

Examples from the test

You become very dependent when it comes to relationships.
You fall in love very easily and quickly.
When you fall in love, you can't stop dreaming—even while doing things that are important to you. You can't help yourself.
Sometimes when you're lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your expectations and settle for less than you want or deserve.
When you are in a relationship, you tend to “smother” your partner.

If you answered yes in 20 cases or more, you have a love addiction.

“At first I felt terrible resistance as soon as I saw the list of criteria. And I told myself that this is not about me. But after a year and a half, I again “fell into love addiction” - and made up my mind.”
Nastya M.

Many addicts try to solve their problems on their own before coming to the program. Sometimes they manage to live a normal life for a while:

“I tried (as best I could) to build relationships, but it didn’t work out with anyone. After a few meetings, everything came to naught. Either my failed partner didn’t like me, or he didn’t like me.
It seemed to me that I simply needed sex (what if I was depressed due to its absence?) - and I dated, pursuing this goal (unconsciously, of course), found the appropriate men, then worried and did not understand why everything was so sad and where The One.
I thought that with the creation of a family, depression would end, life would get better and be like everyone else’s. Like all normal people."
Elena M.

12 steps

All 12-step programs follow the same principles, but differ slightly in content. At each stage, participants should complete some task: admit their problem and powerlessness over it in the first step, turn to a higher power, ask for help, make amends to those who suffered from their addiction, and focus on spirituality.

The steps can be completed independently or in a mini-group. For help, you should contact more experienced program participants - “sponsors”. If difficult emotions come over you or you are tempted to lash out, you can call one of your new ALZ acquaintances to get support.

Steps
We admitted our powerlessness over love, romance, fantasy and relationships; admitted that our lives had become unmanageable.
We have come to believe that only a force greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
We decided to entrust our will and our lives to God as we understood Him.
They deeply and fearlessly assessed themselves and their lives from a moral point of view.
Admitted to God, ourselves, and any other person the true nature of our errors.
We have fully prepared ourselves for God to remove all our shortcomings.
We humbly asked Him to correct our shortcomings.
We made a list of all those people whom we had harmed, and were filled with the desire to make amends to them.
Personally compensated for the damage caused to these people wherever possible, except in cases where it could harm them or someone else.
They continued to introspect and when they made mistakes, they immediately admitted it.
We sought, through prayer and meditation, to deepen our contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us to do and for the power to do it.
Having achieved the spiritual awakening that these steps led to, we have strived to convey the meaning of our ideas to others and to apply these principles in all our affairs.

Atheists often have problems turning to a higher power. We can understand it not in a religious sense, but simply as something beyond our control: like fate, external circumstances, unconditional love in the hearts of people, etc., and the corresponding steps are taken to separate what we are responsible for and what we have the strength for, from what happens against our will.

Community

Mutual support and closeness, understanding and acceptance in the community are what all our respondents paid special attention to. Independent psychologists also note that working in a group is one of the most important bonuses of ALZ and other similar techniques.

“There are a lot of sick people in our program: everyone, as a rule, has a tragic or traumatic childhood, difficult destinies. It’s not surprising that this leads to such problems in adulthood.”
Elena M.
“I really like our rules.
It is forbidden to give advice or make value judgments in the community so as not to violate boundaries. You can share experiences, ask, receive and offer support.
I used to invade other people's personal space myself, but I learned not to do that. This increases the overall psychological literacy of the participants.”
Tanya R.
“They think and feel differently than normal people. They hear, do not hurt, live in a different spiritual dimension. They are awakening. That's what makes me happy and that's why I love them. Many of my friends, including my best one, are participants in the program. We are on the same wave".
Elena M.
“Before, it seemed to me that I was the only one in the whole world with such problems. When I listened to similar stories, I felt acceptance and liberation. For me, it was a way out of the isolation in which I found myself during my relationship with the object of my addiction.”
Tanya R.

Love quarantine

ALZ has tools to help people heal, such as non-contact and limited contact.

The community website provides the following explanation:

“No contact rules are a gift you give yourself to help you control your compulsive behavior, overcome your dependence on the person, and begin the healing process. No contact also means no new pain. <…>
No personal conversations: the relationship is over, or you want it to end. This means that you do not engage in conversations with the OZ [object of addiction. — Approx. ed.]. How often do we feel obliged to “have the last word” or convince someone in a conversation that he should not leave! But a breakup is a breakup because at least one participant doesn't want to be in the relationship. This decision should be respected. <…>
No sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to regain HP, or to feel closeness through physical contact. But when the relationship is over, the additional bonuses disappear.
Sex after a breakup is just sex. And often humiliating.
NK [non-contact. — Approx. ed.] means no sex with your OZ, or with any casual acquaintance or friend of OZ (for the purpose of inciting jealousy or simply to speed up the breakup process). Sex without love robs you of your self-respect and dignity. You deserve better." [Spelling and punctuation of the original have been preserved. — Approx. ed.]

And no communication! Telephone calls, SMS, correspondence by email and instant messengers are prohibited. You cannot follow the addict on social networks and try to catch him at events. It is also not allowed to communicate with OZ’s friends and relatives or even fantasize about him.

Limited contact

It is not always possible to completely block communication channels. Sometimes you share children, work, and even living space with your ex-partner. Some people struggle with addiction while still in a relationship with the addict.

With limited contact, you can enter into dialogue only when necessary:

“...it is important to deprive communication of the emotional component. Don't allow anger, sadness, regret, anxiety, or any other emotion to come through when interacting with the OZ. Emotions will make you vulnerable to him/her and create the preconditions for additional, unnecessary worries, confusion and communication that will set you back in terms of recovery.”

It is better to write a message than to call, or to resolve the issue over the phone rather than meeting in person.

Lower limits

If an alcoholic begins to get carried away after the first drink, then in the mind of a love addict there is also a “toggle switch” that transfers him to a “state of intoxication”, when a person is immersed in illusions, fantasies, and savoring his own experiences. It is important to track this moment in order to understand what actions are pushing you into the abyss. For some, such a trigger is visiting an ex’s page on social networks, checking when the user was last online, or an invitation to communicate. At these moments, it may be tempting to interrupt non-contact and return to the way of life and thoughts that you so wanted to get rid of.

You can understand what becomes the “first drink” by the consequences. For Maria, who had recently come to the program, crossing the lower limit was visiting the place where her addict often spent time and looking at photos of them together. A few months after the breakup, anxious and sad thoughts practically stopped visiting her, but they would creep into her head again as soon as she returned there or opened a folder with memorable photographs.

Diary of feelings

This tool allows you to better understand your own feelings and also understand how to change behavior to take better care of yourself in the future. In a diary you can describe everything that happens in life, emotions and needs caused by various events, as well as actions taken under their influence and the result.

Example
Situation: we stayed late at my house. I really want to sleep, but I already promised the object of my addiction that I would take him home. He missed the last bus. As always, he has no money. If I suggest a taxi option, he may be offended. I'm afraid to seem weak, lazy, and unable to plan my time.
Feelings: shame, fear, self-loathing, feeling trapped.
Needs: for care, for independence, for ease, for justice.
Actions: I take him, but on the way I get myself a coffee.
Result: I didn’t get enough sleep. I decide next time to offer to finish early so he can catch the bus.

HALT

Our behavior largely depends on the state we are in when we perform certain actions. If you monitor it and take care of yourself, you can reduce the risk of breakdowns and avoid behaviors that we are trying to wean ourselves from.

HALT
(English lit. “Stop!”). This is an abbreviation for the expression Am I... ("I am now...")
...hungry ( hungry
)?
...angry ( angry
)?
...lonely ( lonely
)?
…tired ( tired
)?”

Gratitude journal

Many also write down all the positive events of the day, everything for which they can say thank you to fate. A gratitude journal helps you realize that life is not such a bad thing, there are many joyful moments in it, but sometimes we don’t notice it, concentrating on the pain.

“My perception of life has become more adequate. I started to notice so many things to be grateful for.”
Tanya R.

What is the point of keeping a diary?

This question arises for most Russian women. Women in the West are accustomed to keeping a diary; it is an integral part of their childhood and youth. In Russia there is no such mass tradition.

Meanwhile, keeping a diary is extremely useful. Describing events, thoughts, and sensations that have occurred, a person experiences them again, but this time meaningfully. That is, a woman, taking notes, is aware of her feelings and reactions. In addition, the diary allows you to compare emotions in relationships at different time periods.

Types of human addiction and their signs

Emotional dependence on a loved one can be divided into several types, the basis of which will be the object of attachment. But you need to understand that a person prone to addiction can direct his attention to any object, at different times in his life. So, a woman can first dissolve in her husband, and then in her child, or in her family. Sometimes only long-term psychotherapy helps to free oneself from such life attitudes.

The result of any type of emotional dependence, which is also called psychological, is self-destruction. For some, this can lead to suicide or serious mental illness.

Love

One of the most common types. Its danger is manifested in the unlived life - the addict for the most part remains in illusions about possible dire consequences. At first, everything goes well - the lovers spend a lot of time together, fall out of their usual lives, forget about everything, cannot separate for a minute and cannot imagine life without each other. Gradually, the strong power of hormones weakens, and healthy people move to a new, stronger and calmer stage of relationships.

Partners who are in a healthy love relationship do not forbid a guy or girl from meeting with friends, allow them to travel and engage in hobbies and have their own lives outside of their relationship, and can calmly survive even a long separation. But dependent people cannot move to this stage; their partner’s attempts to have something for themselves are perceived by them as betrayal and evidence of dislike. Most often, women act as such sick partners in relation to men, but the male sex is also susceptible to this disease:

The main signs and symptoms of dependent feelings of women and men:

relationships are impossible without moment-to-moment interaction;
love relationships hurt, but their absence is a hundred times worse;
jealousy is perceived as normal;
the partner constantly blackmails with a break, when this stops working - suicide;
The addict’s motto becomes the phrase “I won’t let you live without me!”

Attachment and fear complement each other. An addict lives with a constant feeling of anxiety, he is tormented by negative thoughts, he cannot and does not want to function without a loved one, the fear of loss leads to a stupor, but such a person refuses to recognize the developing love addiction, as well as to get rid of it.

Please note: The main difference between falling in love and addiction is the ability to be alone and enjoy this feeling.

Friendly

Everything that a friendship addict thinks, feels, dreams about, he immediately discusses with his friend. If he went on a business trip and there is no opportunity to communicate, the person feels emptiness and apathy. A person dependent on a friend behaves with him in the same way as a love addict with a lover: he is jealous of other people, gets irritated if it turns out that the friend did not tell something about himself, even if he simply did not have time to share, and considers the other person his property. If he finds out that a friend is spending time with someone else or has met and become friends with a new person, then he is overcome with intense anger, resentment, devastation, and a feeling of being betrayed.

Parental

Parents, more often mothers, spend almost all their time with the baby, caring for and controlling him. But with each new skill of the child, with each passing month and year, control should weaken. Normally, by adolescence, a person should become practically autonomous. But dependent parents do not give their child freedom at the age of three, five or fifteen. They want to completely control their child, they dissolve in him and expect the same from the baby.

While the child is small, this idyll is possible, but with age, he begins to demand autonomy, shows his own will, demands to be freed from control and checks, and truly Shakespearean dramas unfold in families. Usually it all ends with blackmail of adult children: manipulation of the disease; demonstratively calling an ambulance, etc. Those who have more strength and perseverance until the end keep the child on a moral, financial, property leash, sabotage all attempts to become independent.

Often such mothers grow up from girls who did not receive additional love in childhood from their own mothers. On the one hand, they want their child to receive everything that they did not have, and on the other hand, they enjoy the newfound power: the little girl could not keep her mother close, but she can keep her own child. And he holds it.

What does this type of education lead to?

children, even grown ones, are unable to make independent decisions;
do not have the courage to stand up for themselves;
cannot build boundaries;
live with a constant feeling of anxiety;
cannot cope with even a small difficulty;
experience serious problems in interpersonal communication;
in any dangerous situation they fall into a state of panic;
They do not know how to fight and cope with stress.

Long-term and targeted psychotherapy can help grown children cope with the problem of insecurity.

How to define boundaries? What do we mean by this?

Many people are familiar with the concept of an office in the house. The presence of such a room is known from films, books, and someone has encountered a similar room in life. What is its essence? The fact that a person is left alone there is his space.

You need to create something like an office for yourself. Select a corner or room in the apartment that no one will enter. There is no need to combine your space with the kitchen or bathroom. It should strengthen self-esteem, and not be something “incidental”.

The interior in this space should be filled with objects related to the woman’s hobbies and interests. These could be books, porcelain dolls, photographic equipment, drawing supplies - anything. And as soon as a feeling of panic, misunderstanding, fear or other negativity arises, you need to start tidying up your space.

This is a very old and effective way to combat addiction to a man, practiced in East Asia.

As for personal boundaries, this is the definition of your zone of responsibility and comfort, into which a man should not be allowed. For example, you can decide for yourself what breakfast or lunch will be like. You can arrange a mini-garden on your balcony on your own and not consult a man when determining plant varieties. However, you need to understand that making independent decisions is not synonymous with selfishness.

Is love addiction a real diagnosis?

Researchers explain the nature of love addiction in different ways. It is often compared with other non-chemical addictions - for example, with gambling addiction, work and sex addiction, etc. There is no separate diagnosis in the ICD, but some psychotherapists refer to F63.8 “Other disorders of habits and drives.”

Craig Nakken writes about a special, “addictive” personality type, which is characterized by addictions as such, and not just one of them.

Psychiatrist and researcher Isaac Marx identified the following criteria for addiction:

At first it may seem that a person is simply passionate about something. A gambler looks like a gambling lover, a sexaholic looks like a temperamental person, a love addict looks like a romantic;
addictions differ in external manifestations (a gambling addict wastes money, a sexaholic finds another partner for one night, etc.);
a craving for “harmful” activities appears (in the case of love addiction - for dreams, fantasies, contacts with the object of addiction, persecution);
tension increases while a person endures and abstains, and subsides for a short time if he “lost it” and still does what he wanted;
after what happened, the addict is ashamed and sad;
after some time, withdrawal symptoms set in - the person wants to repeat the actions taken.

Apparently, the biological mechanisms of chemical and non-chemical addictions are similar: in both cases, addictions are associated with the processing of signals entering the reward system. A lack of dopamine pushes you to seek substances or perform actions (gambling, drugs), which release this hormone and create a feeling of pleasure.

Love addicts often have other psychological problems and illnesses. Some respondents were diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, low self-esteem and lack of self-understanding.

Might be interesting

Are we facing an epidemic of anxiety disorders?

The terms “love addiction” and “codependency” are often confused and sometimes used interchangeably. In other cases, only the spouses and children of those who abuse alcohol, drugs, etc. are called codependent. Many love addicts actually grew up in dysfunctional families, but there are also those who find it difficult to reproach their parents, educators and partners for something similar. In specialized literature, codependency is also sometimes understood as “the dependence of two people on each other.”

In another approach, what we call “love addiction” is considered an attachment disorder, which means that Marx’s criteria and corresponding treatment methods are not applicable here. In his videos, Alan Robarge, a psychotherapist who works with deviations of this kind, says that in the case of “dependent” behavior, the root of the problem should not be sought in addictive patterns, but in the fact that in childhood the person’s process of forming a secure attachment was disrupted.

As adults, such people experience bursts of panic when the object of their feelings does not demonstrate involvement: ignores messages, does not return calls or does not open up to their partner during communication, remaining emotionally unavailable.

How to find time for yourself?

This is not about visiting a cosmetologist or going to the gym. Time for yourself – a few tens of minutes a day, spent completely alone.

At these moments, you can try to meditate, do breathing exercises, paint a watercolor landscape, think about the book you read. In other words, this time should be devoted to self-development and peace and harmony.

It's important to find a gap in your daily routine that you can stick to consistently.

How is love different from addiction?

Two phrases:

I love you, and it doesn’t matter who or what makes you happy, as long as you are happy.

I love you and I can't live without you.

Is the difference noticeable? This is exactly how love differs from addiction.

Experts call a condition not associated with love a neurosis aggravated by self-hypnosis. And it is mainly women who suffer from it.

How to correctly identify a painful relationship and get out of it in time, read our article here.

Method 2: Change your focus

Focus is what you think about most every day.
If you are attracted to someone, it means that your thoughts are more connected with this person. But what if you changed your focus? For example, find a hobby or get a pet. It’s not for nothing that they say that being busy is one of the most effective medicines.

When you begin to focus your attention on something, there will be fewer thoughts about the object of love, and the attraction will disappear over time.

When should you see a psychologist?

If you doubt your abilities or none of the available methods help you change your position as a dependent person, you should contact a professional.

You need to understand that in addictive behavior you are not living your life, that emotional addiction is not only a state of mind, but also a psychological disorder caused by dislike of oneself.

Addiction destroys people's lives and makes both the addict and his partner suffer. Moreover, if you do not solve the problem with drastic changes, then addictive behavior will accompany you throughout your life, and attempts to build healthy relationships will not be successful. It is necessary to regain self-respect and self-love; this is the only way to health and a new life.

To change the situation, you will have to work long and painstakingly on yourself. An experienced psychologist will help you identify the true causes of addictive behavior and correctly correct them. Remember, if you do nothing, the situation will only get worse.

The famous Roman philosopher Marcus Tulius Cicero said wonderful words with which we would like to end today’s conversation: “Happiest of all is the one who depends only on himself and sees everyone in himself alone.” Let's believe in ourselves, friends!

Signs that you are addicted

Love addiction is easy to “diagnose”. You are dependent on the object of your love if:

your self-esteem has deteriorated;
in relationships you only feel guilty about yourself;
you often sacrifice something just to maintain a relationship;
your passion has become the center of your attention, you live exclusively by it, sometimes to the detriment of your own interests;
you try to control the person, you are afraid of breakups and quarrels with him, you worry that he will leave you.

Now let's move on to action.