I constantly suspect my husband of cheating - 3 tips from psychologists, consultations

Girls often write to me: “Pavel, help! I suspect my husband of cheating, I'm afraid of losing him. Tell me how to find out the truth?”

My beautiful ones, each case is individual. There is no one size fits all answer. Often wives suspect their husbands of cheating and think about how to test them. And they begin to spy, control every step, blackmail! I definitely do not approve of this behavior. But I also don’t recommend sitting idly by.

In this article I will tell you how to figure out betrayal if you suspect your husband of cheating. I will reveal the reasons for male infidelity and give you a clear algorithm of action so that your loved one stops looking to the left.

Betrayal of a loved one: truth or suspicion?

If you are not completely sure that your spouse is going on the side, carefully analyze your doubts and try to establish whether they have grounds. Find the reason for your suspicions. Sometimes analysis shows that there is no significant reason to doubt the faithfulness of the faithful, and this is just a figment of the imagination.

In practice, it has been proven that the majority of women who make an appointment with a psychologist do not have serious grounds for jealousy of their husband. As a rule, the root of the cause lies in the psychological trauma that representatives of the fair sex receive at a young age. Such problems are successfully eliminated by professional psychotherapists. The existence of a psychological problem can be stated in the following cases:

The girl was raised without a mother, and her father was inattentive and rude. This negatively affects the self-esteem of the future woman.
The girl grew up with her mother after her father began living with another woman. Mom’s attitude towards dad as a traitor has entered the subconscious of the growing daughter, so for her all men automatically become traitors.
Failed relationships at an early age. The unpleasant aftertaste left after a failed romance is carried by the woman into adulthood and leaves an imprint on subsequent relationships.

Causes of fear

Several factors can influence the occurrence of fear of betrayal. A phobia, as a rule, is formed on the basis of personal complexes. Its appearance may be influenced by movies, eyewitness accounts, or the overly freedom-loving behavior of a partner.

Reasons for developing a phobia:

low self-esteem and uncertainty about one’s own attractiveness;
stories from friends about cases of betrayal that happened in their families;
dramatic films about unrequited love;
childhood memories of parents' infidelity and divorce;
betrayal of a loved one experienced in the past;
real cases of betrayal by a partner and the likelihood of their repetition in the future;
strange behavior of a loved one - a distant and thoughtful state;
hormonal changes during pregnancy or menopause;
postpartum condition arising due to a changed figure and loss of former attractiveness;
inattention and lack of former attraction on the part of a loved one;
compliments to a representative of the opposite sex, said in the presence of your partner.

Do you suspect? Check!

If your suspicions are not unfounded, do not rush to make claims to your life partner. After all, if you don’t have evidence, it will look at least stupid. The husband can turn everything around in such a way that in the end the spouse will be to blame, because everyone knows that the best defense is an attack.

What to do if you suspect your loved one of cheating? Experts recommend finding evidence. They can usually be found:

in correspondence on social networks;
in personal messages on a smartphone;
among photographs;
in the telephone directory.

The main goal is to find facts that the faithful will not be able to refute. Otherwise, you may end up being labeled a hysteric. Until you have an evidence base, you shouldn’t talk about your suspicions openly.

Be friends for a while

How to learn to trust your husband? Psychologists advise, after the outburst of initial emotions, to express to each other what specifically does not suit the spouses. This is done to prevent repeated betrayals.

But still, how to learn to trust your husband? The psychologist's advice sounds like this: if you decide not to break up and try to start all over again, then at first you can simply try to be good friends to each other. Also, you should not blame your husband for all mortal sins after cheating. Don't forget that the decision was made together. Therefore, you should try not to remember the past.

What not to do when testing your husband's fidelity

Wives, tormented by suspicions, often choose the wrong line of behavior, as a result of which they make a lot of mistakes. In this case, there is no desired result - the beloved remains silent like a partisan. Since women are very emotional by nature, they tend to rush things and throw scandals as soon as they find the first confirmation of their doubts.

Psychologists recommend keeping yourself in control and behaving with dignity. If you cannot cope with betrayal on your own, it is better to seek help from a professional psychologist with extensive experience in the field of family relationships. He will help you cope with the pain, accept what happened and draw the right conclusions about whether it is worth saving the family. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

How to learn to control yourself and not be jealous?

As soon as the thought creeps into your head that your other half is not faithful to you, then you should analyze this thought in detail and not get into a mental cycle. I wrote above how to do this.

If you are determined to get rid of jealousy, then you need to learn to cope with internal dialogue.

I wrote in more detail about working with internal dialogue in this article. Read and adopt several methods that are right for you. Remember that learning to control your thoughts takes time and effort.

I would like to add a few words about internal control. Unfortunately, control most often means suppression.

Suppressing jealousy will cause you to accumulate your discontent and suspicions, and as a result, it will come to the surface in the form of a huge scandal.

Or, another option is possible, when you accumulate everything within yourself, often without even noticing on a conscious level how your emotions are suppressed and go to the somatic level - diseases of the cardiovascular system or digestive tract arise.

The counterbalance to jealousy is trust in your partner. Perhaps, due to your personality, you will not be able to fully learn to trust a loved one, but it is within your power to at least learn to live without attacks of jealousy.

To achieve this, you need to understand your beliefs, values and outlook on life. This is long and painstaking work, but it will bring you a rich harvest - you will become much calmer and happier, you will be able to see that your loved one really loves you and cares about you.

The betrayal is obvious, is recognition of the traitor necessary?

Most men do not want their adultery to be known, and therefore try to hide their infidelity. Of course, when the other half goes “to the left” but does not confess, this means that the man does not want to destroy his marriage and part with his wife. A woman who wants to find out the truth by any means, is either looking for a reason for divorce, or wants to make sure that the chosen one is faithful to her . Otherwise, there is no point in looking for evidence of an affair on the side, since this will not strengthen the marriage.

If you do not want to part with your lover, think carefully about whether it is worth seeking the truth? This is especially true in situations where there are no obvious signs of betrayal. But constant hysterics and scandals push husbands to find solace on the side.

When betrayal really has confirmation, forcing the faithful to admit it means making oneself suffer even more . There will never be the same trust in a relationship again. And saving the family will be extremely difficult. The wife should think carefully about whether she needs the truth from the lips of her beloved, what does she really want - to break up or continue to live with this person?

Perhaps the best solution would be to improve your relationship with your husband, introduce something new into your family life, and find interesting options for spending time together? If you don’t delve into your sweetheart’s misdeeds, but try to make your life together better, then he, most likely, will feel guilty for his behavior and break off the connection with his mistress.

He smiled while looking at another woman

Here we are not talking about a smile out of politeness, which we give to our acquaintances, relatives and friends according to the rules of etiquette. And we’re not even talking about a fleeting glance at a girl passing by. I'm talking about the gentle, warm and all-encompassing look that a man gives you when he doesn't look at you. Perhaps there is even a barely noticeable sadness in this look.

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If you are faced with such a problem, and it concerns a close friend, work colleague or simple acquaintance, you can rest assured: your man has strong feelings for her, although he may not be fully aware of it himself. This young lady arouses his noticeable sympathy, he would like to possess her, he is simply not yet able to do so. And the main word here is “yet.”

Even if they don't know each other, rest assured: this is the beginning of the end. It is important to understand that guys are not able to switch their feelings; someday desire will triumph over reason. Be careful not to find yourself in a love triangle.

How to live after betrayal: advice from a psychologist

The most difficult question for a devoted wife is how to live further, in full confidence that her husband is cheating? The obvious solution here is divorce. Not everyone can sincerely forgive the deception of a loved one. If it is not possible to maintain the previous trusting relationship, then it is undoubtedly better to part ways.

But what if a woman doesn’t want to end the relationship? It is necessary to understand that a similar situation may repeat in the future. If you want to be married to this particular man, you need to accept and let go of what happened. Otherwise, life will turn into absolute hell with endless reproaches and scandals. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back. When a married couple has children, parents will have to make every effort to maintain normal communication so that the stress is not passed on to the kids. The discord between mom and dad will definitely have an impact on the children.

Causes of fear

Reasons for developing a phobia:

low self-esteem and uncertainty about one’s own attractiveness;
stories from friends about cases of betrayal that happened in their families;
dramatic films about unrequited love;
childhood memories of parents' infidelity and divorce;
betrayal of a loved one experienced in the past;
real cases of betrayal by a partner and the likelihood of their repetition in the future;
strange behavior of a loved one - a distant and thoughtful state;
hormonal changes during pregnancy or menopause;
postpartum condition arising due to a changed figure and loss of former attractiveness;
inattention and lack of former attraction on the part of a loved one;
compliments to a representative of the opposite sex, said in the presence of your partner.

“Is that who I married?”

In our country there is such a cultural problem as early marriage. The couple strives to legitimize their relationship as quickly as possible. The candy-bouquet period, when partners can enjoy each other and their feelings, does not last long. The lovers plunge into everyday life and have children. Serious family life immediately begins, with all the obligations, while these people are not sure whether they are ready to live their whole lives together.

And so it turns out - we have lived together for so many years, but there is nothing to remember. Moreover, this may also be the woman’s first man, she has nothing to compare with, she is plagued by doubts: is he the only one? “Is that who I married?”

In this case, the man can try to play out this moment with his mistress, to get that share of pleasure that the couple receives at the very beginning, without obligations. He will give his passion flowers and gifts, take her to the cinema, walk with her in the parks, hide in corners like a schoolboy.

Who is prone to monogamy?

Now I would like to talk about monogamy. What could be the reason for such a choice? As practice shows, most often people who are socially phobic, conservative, neurotic, and anxious are monogamous. They will not risk their peace of mind, increase their anxiety or add to their feelings of guilt.

It also happens (most often among women) that you only need one person while you are filled with vivid emotions. He cheats, she is filled with resentment and jealousy. He is in demand by other women, which means he is valuable. All her passion rests on these explosive feelings; if her partner becomes faithful, the emotions will disappear, followed by interest in him.

Love is a feeling that arises under conditions. Any love is conditional, which means it has time limits. Even a mother's love has conditions. While the child is small, he is loved. When a child grows up and becomes a drug addict, bringing trouble to the family, the mother wants to get rid of him.

Why do people cheat?

I think some of you have at least once wondered: why do people cheat? Why do you periodically pull yourself “to the side”? And it doesn’t matter to whom you address this question - yourself, your partner, friend, colleague...

Of course, men and women may have different motives, and they may also overlap in some ways. Personally, it seems to me that one of the main reasons for cheating is the inability to communicate.

Many of us find it difficult to truly trust our partner, to discuss with him some secret desires, passions, hidden interests.

What is jealousy

Jealousy is a painful feeling familiar to almost everyone.
Children are jealous of their parents, employees of their boss, friends of each other, husbands of their wives. And there is no end to this list... Love on the one hand is a wonderful feeling, on the other – treacherous. The brighter it burns, the hotter jealousy burns - this happens to the majority, especially when they are young and stupid.

First you need to figure out why people are jealous.

And it's all about her

Jealousy is fear.
Fear of losing your treasure, that someone will take away the sweet moments when you are together. You are afraid of losing comfort, an interesting pastime, and a host of other very pleasant things. You can be understood, and besides, fear is a basic feeling, ancient and powerful. It is very difficult to oppose logic and Buddhist calm to him.
Jealousy is envy.
To the one who captured your man's attention. A wild imagination will immediately imagine that your rival is younger, smarter, sexier than you, and will “finish off” existing complexes from the inside. A terrible and armor-piercing duet.
Jealousy is a side effect of idealizing relationships.
Many have the stereotype “absolute loyalty to the grave, even light flirting can be punished” driven into their heads. To put it mildly, this is not true. Life is a long and very multifaceted thing, your ideals will certainly be tested for strength, and the idea of “loyalty at any cost” will seem naive.
Jealousy is low self-esteem.
The oldest grievances and seemingly healed sores remind you of yourself: you are supposedly ugly, stupid, unsuccessful. And even if in reality the opposite is true, complexes will not be left alone, they are very tenacious - because they are illogical.
Jealousy is a sad experience.
There has already been treachery in your life, you barely recovered from that story, and maybe more than one. Therefore, as soon as the familiar symptoms of betrayal flash, a defensive reaction is activated.
Jealousy is resentment.
The fact that you were not appreciated, throwing your life at your feet. The fact that they disappointed your expectations, broke your personal scenario of happiness, pressed you into your heart, or even threw you away from it.
Jealousy is a tribute to public opinion.
Those around her talked a thousand times about how one smart, beautiful woman was betrayed by her wandering ungrateful husband. The same question is raised in films and books with the same reaction: “How could he!” You, as prescribed by the experience of generations, experience righteous anger.
Jealousy is the instincts of the owner.
Feelings have nothing to do with it, they no longer exist or never existed at all, but other people’s attempts to encroach on your territory are annoying. That is why wise people say that they are jealous not only of their loved ones: they are jealous of those whom they consider their own - relegating them to the level of household items.
Jealousy is a pleasure akin to a drug.
Surprised? Jealousy gives, albeit aggressive, but still excitement. This is a flash, an energy surge - albeit painful, but powerful. Having experienced it several times, a person on an unconscious level again tries to get pleasure, to repeat the thrill.