How to get rid of addiction to a man? Psychology of relationships between men and women

• October 10, 2019
• Psychology of relationships
• Angelica Braldi

Is attachment to a person a bad thing? Why fight her? Does everyone need the notorious independence? Why shouldn't a woman adore her partner? After all, love implies a partial dissolution of one’s own “I” in the one on whom “the white light converges like a wedge.”

Indeed, strong feelings, passion, devotion, adoration are good. But dependence on another person does not manifest itself in them at all and only brings harm to a woman and destroys her personality. The basis of addiction is not love at all, but fears, complexes, obsessive states, negative experiences, thinking stereotypes and other similar phenomena. Accordingly, dependence on a partner can be attributed to mental or emotional disorders. That is, in fact, this condition is a disease that needs treatment.

What is addiction?

In psychology, the term “addiction syndrome” is used. This condition is a pathology that requires specific treatment. Psychologists call the emotional need for another person a separate term - “codependency.”

According to the definition, this is a special state characterized by a specific combination of mental, emotional and physiological phenomena that determine the need for something or someone, elevating this object to first place in the system of life values.

Dependence can be both physiological, psychological and emotional. Both subtypes of this pathology have three stages of development:

• initial;
• average;
• final

Of course, the easiest way to deal with this syndrome is in its initial stage. However, the question of how to get rid of dependence on a man usually arises only when the pathology becomes obvious and noticeable to both the woman herself and those around her. And this is precisely what makes the process of getting rid of the syndrome very long and difficult.

If you quickly get used to a person

Some people tend to quickly develop emotional sympathies for unfamiliar people. As a rule, this happens if the attachment between the baby and mother was disrupted in early childhood (stay in an orphanage, illness or parental indifference). A person who has experienced such mental trauma perceives any manifestation of interest on the part of new acquaintances as the emergence of a psychological connection, thereby inflicting another wound on himself when the invented feelings are not brought to life.

Yellow color in psychology - what it means for a woman, man, child

How to stop getting attached to people you barely know:

1. Try to become a self-sufficient person with strong interests and life principles.
2. Teach yourself not only to give your love and trust, but also to accept the feelings of other people.
3. Develop the ability to abstract yourself and let go of the situation, stop trying to control everyone and everything.
4. Start enjoying the current moment, rather than endlessly analyzing the past and inventing the future.

Important! It is necessary to distinguish plans from fantasies: a plan provides for specific steps towards a goal, fantasies are something unrealistic and unattainable.

1. Learn to love yourself and gradually adapt to the world around you, without infringing on your interests to please other people.

What are the features of this emotional state?

Many women associate dependence in a relationship with submission to a man, “serving” his interests and the loss of their own personality. Without a doubt this is true. However, these conditions are only a small part of the overall picture. A woman can be completely dependent, but at the same time not submit, but dominate.

Psychologists identify the following roles that a woman dependent on them can play in a relationship:

• savior;
• pursuer, huntress;
• victim.

There are three main types called the Karpman triangle. Such socio-psychological roles are characteristic of any relationship between people, but with addiction they take on exaggerated forms.

Accordingly, how to get rid of psychological dependence on a man should begin with awareness of the problem and with defining your type and role.

The impact of excessive attachment on life

Why does a person need communication - what does it give and why is it important to people?

From the moment of birth, a person is emotionally free, but every day he becomes dependent on other people physically and psychologically. As the child grows up, he masters self-care skills and a profession, that is, he gains physical independence. Psychological dependencies and attachments persist for many years and can be the cause of many failures in life and mental discomfort.

The earliest and strongest connection between child and parent should weaken over time and thus contribute to the formation and development of other attachments. Not all parents easily stop controlling their child and allow him to exist independently. Excessive parental love provokes the growth of infantile children who are absolutely not adapted to independent life. The other side of a toxic relationship between generations is when parents constantly force adult children to solve many parental problems to the detriment of their interests.

Jealousy is also a way of becoming toxically attached to someone, which can bore not only the bearer of this feeling, but also many people around.

Jealousy is a manifestation of sick attachment

Any excessive attachment negatively affects a person’s quality of life. Experts advise stopping such connections decisively and immediately.

What is the most common role?

As a rule, female “victims” turn to psychologists for help. They often do this under the influence of public opinion. “Chasers”, as a rule, do not notice any special problems, and other people usually envy them. If these are financially secure, socially independent women, then throughout their lives they do not realize that they are dependent.

“Savior” is the most common socio-psychological role. Women “love” losers, guys “with a sea of ​​melancholy in their eyes”, suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction, terminally ill people, “unrecognized geniuses” and everyone else who needs help, pity, care, guardianship. This type of dependence grows out of maternal instinct, and it is very terrible for the female psyche.

A woman with such dependence completely devotes herself to caring for a man, to the point of forgetting about her own appearance, not to mention hobbies, interests, hobbies, and tastes. At the same time, the whole family is “subordinate” to the man; if a woman has children, they are in second place, and she also requires them to take care of the man.

The woman herself is absolutely convinced that “without her, her beloved will be lost.” She needs to constantly “save” the man, protect, protect, “stand guard over his interests.” Such women are convinced that only they “understand” their chosen one.

This form of addiction is scary not only for women. It cripples the psyche of children and completely destroys the already weak personality of a man. A self-sufficient, accomplished, successful husband does not need saving; accordingly, insecure individuals become partners of such women. Over the years, from such a “clogged life” a real tyrant, a domestic despot, grows. This happens because the man is trying to psychologically resist the “savior.”

Do dependence on a partner have characteristic common features?

Before you try to get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it really exists. Of course, each case is individual and has its own characterizing nuances. However, psychologists identify a number of common signs, the presence of which in a relationship should cause caution.

Common signs of dependence on a partner include the following:

• self-deception, denial of reality, cultivation of one’s delusions;
• compulsions - rituals observed regularly and thoroughly, this can be any “household tradition”; in the presence of pathology, an error in the order of “conducting the ritual” or neglect of it becomes a real tragedy;
• feelings of guilt or self-hatred;
• belittling one's own importance, falling self-esteem;
• aggression that is difficult to control, anger, rage;
• control, constant provision of assistance without requests for it;
• pressure and decision-making “for two”;
• anticipating needs, thoughts, actions, words or desires;
• pity, anxiety;
• ignoring one's own needs;
• fixation on the interests of the partner;
• problems in the intimate sphere, for example, the inability to relax and “disconnect” from thoughts during intercourse;
• justifying any actions of the partner;
• isolation;
• the habit of “putting in order” the thoughts and feelings of another person.

Of course, not all of these signs are inherent in a specific addiction. For example, a “savior” will make decisions for a man during the day, and at night in bed she will think about whether he is comfortable. The “victim” will become depressed, withdraw into himself, and suffer from feelings of guilt.

Don't date his people

You shouldn't meet a guy's family and friends until you're sure of him. For many, the offer to introduce you to their loved ones already sounds like confirmation of the seriousness of the guy’s intentions. But this is not necessarily the case; maybe he easily brings new people into his circle without giving it much importance.

The more people involved in your relationship, the more likely you are to become attached to the person. If possible, at first stay away from his friends and especially his parents.

How can you tell if addiction is developing in a relationship?

The main signs can be noticed at the very beginning of the development of this pathology. In the early stages, coping with it is quite simple, and it is not at all necessary to separate from your partner.

What are these “alarm bells”? Psychologists recommend thinking about the nature of a relationship with a man if it contains the following:

• a sharp loss of interest in what is happening around, a change in one’s own habits and tastes;
• panic fear of separation, the thought of such a possibility terrifies;
• aggression towards people who criticize a partner or consider the relationship not particularly successful;
• idealization of a man, forgiveness and justification of any of his actions;
• severe mood swings;
• the desire not to be separated for a second.

Of course, these signs are also characteristic of intense love. Accordingly, having discovered their presence in your relationship, you do not need to get upset and resort to any drastic measures. And of course, we must not forget that before you get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it exists. Otherwise, you can lose true love and become lonely and unhappy.

Maintain your personal space

Don't let the guy immediately fill up all the free space around you. Don’t rush to introduce him to your friends, invite him home, or tell everyone around him about him. Keep a certain distance and maintain your own interests. Don't give up on them in order to meet a new acquaintance.

For example, if he invites you to go for a walk, and you have planned a workout for that day, then refuse. Say that you already have plans, and it’s better to meet another day.

Here I will also mention personal boundaries - they need to be defended, no matter how much you like the man. Everyone's boundaries are different. You will understand that they are being violated when your partner’s phrases, actions or questions cause discomfort. For example, if he criticizes your work, interests or hobbies.

Working with personal boundaries is very important to avoid becoming attached to unhealthy personalities. Read the article about who abusers are and why relationships with them are very dangerous.

How to make sure that you are dependent on your partner?

How to understand what prevails in a relationship - love or dependence? In the virtual space you can find many different tests, and in glossy magazines you can find articles devoted to this issue.

But should you blindly trust them? The nature of every relationship is unique. What becomes a pathology in one couple, in another indicates love and respect. It is impossible to measure specific feelings with generalized concepts. Attachment to a person, participation in his life, passion for his interests, manifestations of care and respect - this is not a pathology.

How can you test your relationship without harming it? Psychologists recommend spending some time apart. We are not talking about a weekend, but about a much longer period of time. Moreover, you should refrain from constant phone calls or communications via the network. From a distance, things become apparent that cannot be seen up close.

If a woman is sad and strives to send photos of the surrounding landscapes, tell a man about the interesting place she is in - this indicates love. But if your hand automatically reaches for your smartphone to find out what shirt a man is wearing, whether he ironed it, what he took with him for lunch, what time he returned from work, these are symptoms of addiction.

Why is it dangerous to become attached to a man?

Attachment is a manifestation of selfishness. When it arises, a woman begins to constantly make demands and be jealous. She is afraid that she will be abandoned, she tries to do everything for the sake of her partner in order to earn praise. She ceases to identify herself as a person and tends to idealize the person. You can not do it this way. In many ways, a painful attachment to another is similar to addiction. Therefore, we begin to behave inappropriately, and when our partner is not around, we experience withdrawal symptoms.

Men don’t like it when a girl becomes their shadow, while controlling and worrying too much. Therefore, relationships where one partner is attached to the other are doomed to failure. As a result, you will get a difficult breakup, self-dislike and self-esteem below par.

You need to understand that this phenomenon is dangerous, unhealthy and wrong. If you notice signs of attachment in yourself, start working on yourself.

How to cope?

How to get rid of addiction to a man? Is it possible to solve this problem on your own? Do you need the help of a psychotherapist? These and many other questions interest every woman who believes that she is dependent on her partner.

Psychologists advise approaching this problem step by step and rationally. This is very difficult; not every woman can “turn off” her emotions. For this reason, you may need help from other people. When talking with someone, it is much easier to abstract yourself from your experiences and look at the problem from the outside.

First you need to understand your socio-psychological role. They are rarely pure; as a rule, all three types of behavior are present, but one dominates, the second complements, and the third appears rarely, in exceptional situations. You can understand which role is the main one by analyzing an ordinary weekday; you should not think about reactions that arise in extreme situations.

After this stage, you need to begin analyzing characteristic sensations. For example, if a woman is a “victim,” what does she experience? Horror at the thought of separation? Fear of not ironing your shirt well enough? Is she afraid of the prospect of being abandoned or physically beaten? Is she unable to make decisions? Doesn't she want to be responsible herself? Does she consider herself unworthy of this particular man? Does it seem to her that her inner world is boring, but his is beautiful?

The list of questions is endless. Each woman has her own feelings and there are a lot of them. In order not to get confused in them, an initial definition of the social role is required. Based on the general enumeration of characteristics, we can identify the main, basic pathological emotions, for example, fear of loneliness.

After this, you need to understand when and how these sensations appeared. As a rule, they are not caused by a man. He acted as an “alarm clock”, which raised already existing complexes, fears and inclinations from the depths of the subconscious. In other words, you should fight precisely with these psychological problems, and not with your partner.

Of course, further actions depend on what emotions the woman experiences. One needs to get rid of fears, another needs to get rid of the addiction to manic control, and the third needs to get rid of feelings of self-doubt.

This is a complete plan on how to get rid of emotional dependence on a man and not find yourself in it again. After all, as a rule, women make the same mistakes in their relationships with different men. Having experienced the pangs of parting with one person and having managed to meet a new love, ladies often fall into addiction again. The reason for this cyclicality is that they fought not with the causes of the phenomenon, but with its symptoms.

Don't rush to have sex

Intimacy causes a strong surge of the hormone oxytocin in a woman. She feels loved and safe. Of course, if you and your partner spend the night together, affection will grow - it's inevitable.

Therefore, it is best to enter into an intimate relationship only under the following conditions:

• the time spent with your partner is enough for you to develop trust;
• you yourself really want this connection, and do not adapt to his desires;
• the guy confessed his feelings to you and proved them with his actions.

There is no specific moment when it is okay to make love. You have the right to decide for yourself whether to do this on the first date or after six months of the relationship. But the risk of becoming attached is higher if you have already entered into intimacy with a person. The connection will become more serious, you will begin to make some plans, dream about the future, which is dangerous if you still don’t know your chosen one well.

How to understand that a woman is dependent on her partner and needs help?

The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is full of ambiguities, the absence of common patterns and unified approaches to emerging problems. For example, how to distinguish a woman in love, who is at the very beginning of a relationship, from an addict? How do you understand where the line ends between the desire to get to know your partner and the loss of your own self?

Of course, women themselves almost never notice how their feelings for a man develop into dependence on him. However, the people around her, friends, and relatives may well see an emerging problem and help the woman understand and overcome it at the earliest stages.

Although each situation is unique, all women prone to addiction show a number of the same signs at the beginning of its formation. Psychologists list the following among them:

• inadequate reaction to criticism of a man, no matter what it concerns;
• quick and absolute falling in love, after a couple of weeks of dating the woman is ready to run down the aisle;
• the predominance in conversations of stories about how perfect and ideal a man is, delight in his every action or word;
• complete loss of objectivity, the girl seems to be “under the first impression”;
• increased attention to a man’s appearance, to his neatness - blowing off specks of dust, adjusting his collar, tie, cuffs, hair;
• the manner of staying slightly behind a partner, even if people are holding hands.

In other words, although the motives for typical manifestations of addiction are different, all women demonstrate these signs. Therefore, looking from the outside, it is not so difficult to understand that a lady is prone to pathology.

What can cause addiction to form?

Advice from psychologists on how to free yourself from love addiction to a man, as a rule, begins with an explanation of the need to identify the causes of the pathology that has arisen. It can, of course, only be determined individually.

The most common, main reasons for the tendency to depend on a partner, psychologists include the following:

• difficult childhood - difficulties in the family, authoritarian mother, father's alcoholism or something similar;
• parental divorce;
• inability to define the boundaries of personal space - this is caused by growing up in cramped conditions, in a common room;
• categoricalness and severity, a penchant for patterns - this is the legacy of a specific upbringing;
• presence of psychological trauma.

Mental trauma can occur in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. As a rule, it is associated with severe disappointment, betrayal or death.

Positive and negative aspects of this trait

Like any other processes in a person’s life, attachment has its positive and negative sides.

Pros:

• confidence in your need and usefulness;
• feeling of support in difficult life situations;
• the opportunity to show concern for someone;
• psychological comfort;
• stable personal and intellectual growth;
• emotional stability;
• increasing self-esteem.

Minuses:

• dependence on another person;
• fear of losing the object of affection and being left without male (or female) support;
• constant need to control the object of sympathy;
• unhealthy connections make people unhappy: they make them suffer, lead to depression and neuroses, and can awaken suicidal thoughts;
• attachments and habits do not allow an individual to make fundamental changes in life.

Attachment limits personal freedom

What is the point of keeping a diary?

This question arises for most Russian women. Women in the West are accustomed to keeping a diary; it is an integral part of their childhood and youth. In Russia there is no such mass tradition.

Meanwhile, keeping a diary is extremely useful. Describing events, thoughts, and sensations that have occurred, a person experiences them again, but this time meaningfully. That is, a woman, taking notes, is aware of her feelings and reactions. In addition, the diary allows you to compare emotions in relationships at different time periods.

Don't fall for manipulation

When we meet a new guy and we really like him, we happily put on rose-colored glasses with a big sign saying “I’m in love” and don’t notice the obvious things that are being done to us. There are men who deliberately behave in such a way that we become attached. It is necessary to monitor such moments.

For example, if a guy took the initiative and was actively involved in the relationship, and then disappeared for several days without a normal explanation, then you should be wary. Especially if this happens more than once.

I have had experience of such relationships. I was a very young girl and was experiencing my first crush, so I fell for such tricks. That relationship was a difficult but rewarding experience for me, and now I judge people’s behavior very strictly.

How to define boundaries? What do we mean by this?

Many people are familiar with the concept of an office in the house. The presence of such a room is known from films, books, and someone has encountered a similar room in life. What is its essence? The fact that a person is left alone there is his space.

You need to create something like an office for yourself. Select a corner or room in the apartment that no one will enter. There is no need to combine your space with the kitchen or bathroom. It should strengthen self-esteem, and not be something “incidental”.

The interior in this space should be filled with objects related to the woman’s hobbies and interests. These could be books, porcelain dolls, photographic equipment, drawing supplies - anything. And as soon as a feeling of panic, misunderstanding, fear or other negativity arises, you need to start tidying up your space.

This is a very old and effective way to combat addiction to a man, practiced in East Asia.

As for personal boundaries, this is the definition of your zone of responsibility and comfort, into which a man should not be allowed. For example, you can decide for yourself what breakfast or lunch will be like. You can arrange a mini-garden on your balcony on your own and not consult a man when determining plant varieties. However, you need to understand that making independent decisions is not synonymous with selfishness.

Don't romanticize

Attachment is formed not because we spend a lot of time with our partner, and not even because he is very good and interesting. Everything happens because we think a lot about this person, keep his image in our minds and fantasize.

Try to dream less about dating, do not assign non-existent qualities to him, so as not to be fascinated by the person. Look at things more soberly. Think about whether you imagine your new chosen one as a prince on a white horse.

How to find time for yourself?

This is not about visiting a cosmetologist or going to the gym. Time for yourself – a few tens of minutes a day, spent completely alone.

At these moments, you can try to meditate, do breathing exercises, paint a watercolor landscape, think about the book you read. In other words, this time should be devoted to self-development and peace and harmony.

It's important to find a gap in your daily routine that you can stick to consistently.