Many people at a certain stage of life are faced with a difficult question: “How to survive the death of your mother?” It’s hard at any age, and it always seems to us that we didn’t prove something, didn’t show it, didn’t have time. The death of a mother is always a shock, even if we do not immediately realize it. It seems to us that if this happens, it won’t be soon, but life often makes unexpected adjustments.
Mom died - what to do to cope with grief
In rare cases, we know in advance that a loved one will soon be gone. Often the death of a mother comes as a surprise. How to react? How to cope with the death of your mother?
Accept
- Don't try to quickly get rid of sadness - it's pointless
. Take your time and don't set any deadlines for grieving. Many years ago in the UK there was a period of 2-4 years for mourning. Be prepared for the fact that the acute stage of the experience may last several weeks or months, but possibly longer. We'll have to be patient. Suffering of any duration will one day begin to subside - remember this if you had to deal with the death of your mother. - The deceased would undoubtedly want you to come back to life.
. Your depression at the death of your mother is natural, but she would not want this tragic event to cripple your soul. Begin to slowly return to the usual activities that previously made you happy. It will be difficult, but you have to continue living and even try to enjoy it. Feeling overwhelmed and unable to get back to business? Put aside the feeling of guilt - everyone needs a certain period of time to suffer.
- Taking care of yourself will help you cope with your mother's death
. Don't be hard on yourself. Rest, get distracted, stop thinking critically. Grief takes a lot of energy, but don’t forget about the basics: sleep at least 7 hours, eat regularly, and at least a minimum level of physical activity. To survive the death of your mother, you will need energy, do not forget about your body. Food and sleep will not take away the thought of your mother’s death, but they will give you strength to carry out routine tasks that will not go away.
- Determine what causes you a strong attack of melancholy
. During what period do you feel the greatest emotional heaviness? Perhaps we are talking about things that previously fascinated both of you - making pies, shopping, or something similar. Try to avoid these moments or not be alone.
- Avoid rash and hasty decisions
. The death of your mother may give rise to unexpected thoughts that your marriage is meaningless, you need to leave your job, sell your apartment, and so on. These thoughts may have some basis, but put off making drastic decisions for a while. This will not help you drown out your grief, and may add new problems.
mourn
Hiding your true emotions will not help you cope with your mother's death. Give free rein to tears when you feel such a need. It is likely that the bitterness of loss and the manifestation of emotions will be easier to bear with the support of a loved one. Do you feel that loneliness is driving you into great sadness and depression? Start communicating with people who can support you, don't push them away. Friends may be at a loss and not know how to help you: voice your desire to speak out, and they will undoubtedly respond to the request.
Support from relatives will help you cope with your mother's death. Some of them may need help just as much; it will be easier for you to come to terms with the loss together. At first it will be difficult for you to talk about your mother's death, but over time it will become easier.
Coming to terms with loss
- Try to get your life back by changing your usual routine
. By doing everything as before, you will not avoid acute melancholy - at certain moments, on the contrary, you will miss your mother. If you usually worked at home, move to a cafe. Did you drink tea with your mother in the evenings? Take new courses or go to the movies during this time. You won’t be able to avoid any reminders of your mother’s death, but you will have to change something to distract yourself from difficult thoughts. - Acceptance of loss will come gradually
. During this period, occupy yourself with a new activity: drawing, sewing lessons, watching a long TV series. - Do something you've always enjoyed
- not only try new things, but also pay attention to the activities that interested you in the past. Do you like to bake complex cakes, write poetry, but think that you are not up to it because of the grief that has piled up? Just try it. - If you want to return to the activities you previously did with your mother, involve a loved one in the matter
- let him support you without letting you plunge into the abyss of worries. - Do you think that drinking alcohol will make it easier to cope with the death of your mother
? This is a misconception, give it up for a while. Alcohol helps you forget for a short period, it is a depressant, it will only make things worse. The minimum dose is acceptable and does not affect the mental and physical state. Some medications are incompatible with alcohol, and if you are taking medications, make sure they do not fall into this category. - It is easier to cope with the death of your mother in society
. Meet with friends or relatives. Chat with people on the phone. Be sure to leave the house twice a day under any conditions - to the store, for a walk. Work, study, don't neglect your homework. Is there a social event coming up and you're invited? Don’t refuse - an active life will distract you from gloomy thoughts. Push yourself to do this. This does not mean that you will forget your mother - you will remember her without pain if you recover quickly. - Calm and measured activities are no less useful than an active life
. Write your thoughts in your diary, share your experiences. Learn meditation and yoga to help free your body and mind from tension. Get out in the sun, read in nature, breathe fresh air. Play calm and soothing music and engage in light sports.
Letting a loved one go to another world
After the death of the mother, the realization of the need to “let go” of her into another world will gradually come. Do not cling to painful thoughts about her, do not prolong the torment. She will remain a huge part of your life, forever. Seek consolation in bright memories and remember - your loved one will forever live in your heart. Chat with relatives about your mother, share memories. You will feel connected to her on another level, she will live in your conversations. Concentrate on thoughts about your future life, don’t rush yourself. It may take weeks or even years to return to normal. If you have a goal and your eyes are set on the future, then in small steps you will begin to move forward. Don’t force yourself to do what you think is “right” - listen to the voice of reason. Not ready for serious changes? Don't rush yourself, don't put yourself under even more stress.
And if there is no grief, is that normal?
Australian scholar and director of the Grief Center Christopher Hall writes that everyone experiences loss differently. It is possible that you will not grieve the way it is shown in the movies or the way your relatives come to life. You may be coping with your mom's death without tears, but it can still be grief.
If the mother was ill for a long time, the child could grieve her loss even before death. Because the loss is not only death, but also the loss of hope, the loss of a close relationship with the mother.
Sometimes it happens that mother and child do not have a close relationship. Then, even though the mother is a related person by blood, perhaps her child may not experience grief from the death of the mother.
Olga Shaveko
After the death of your mother, you can feel relief if the relationship was bad. Then you can feel that conflicts and resentments have stopped. It is difficult to accept the feeling of relief and joy due to guilt. After all, my mother died, and in such a situation it is customary to grieve. But any emotions are normal, you can allow yourself to feel them.
There may also be relief if the mother was sick for a long time and it was difficult to care for her. When a person is tired and burned out during caregiving, they may feel relieved that the hard work is over. And this is also a normal feeling.
How to help someone cope with the death of their mother
If you feel the need to help someone else cope with the death of their mother, but do not know how to act correctly, listen to the recommendations.
To kid
Has there been grief in the family? Don't try to push your child away, let him express his grief with you. Don't pretend that nothing happened and life can go on as usual - everyone needs time to process the loss. The emotional distress will not decrease, but the danger of deep fears that can lead to complex psychological difficulties will disappear. Surround your child with love, support and care.
Help your child:
- Share the grief among all family members
. Accept mourning for everyone, including children. An exception may be preschoolers. Each family member will understand each other's experiences. - The most difficult thing for an adult is to tell a child about the death of his mother
. The mission should be entrusted to one of the relatives. If this is not possible, an adult who inspires confidence in the child should tell about the tragedy. Touch the baby at this moment: sit him on your lap, hug him. - Give your child a feeling of love and support
- he is not abandoned or rejected, he is loved and appreciated. - The child should not feel guilty for the death of his mother
. - Don't try to persuade him to restrain himself, to keep it in his hands
. Grief not experienced in time can return years later. - Older children need solitude
. Don't argue, don't impose company. This is a natural desire and behavior that helps them cope with the loss. - Provide your child with physical care
- help him with his homework, prepare lunch, make sure his things are clean. There is no need to sharply accustom him to new adult responsibilities. - It is unnatural and dangerous for a baby to hold back tears; let him cry
. If he doesn't want to do it, don't force him. - In a moment of misfortune, distribute household responsibilities
; no one should be isolated from everyday affairs. - Let your child share his fears
. Talk softly about the loss, find out what is bothering him.
To a close relative
Coping with the death of your mother is not easy. Did a close relative experience this? Show him that he is not alone in his grief, he has support. He needs presence and participation - give it. Let me talk, discuss with him the feelings and experiences that have arisen. Let him know that you are there. Does he need physical care, is he unable to cope with household chores? Help him! Don't leave him alone with difficult thoughts. Spend time talking and walking.
To a friend or colleague
Have you learned that a friend or colleague is dealing with the death of their mother? You can help and ease the pain of loss. If we are talking about a colleague, discuss what happened with the team, adhere to the general strategy, and become a supporter for the employee. Do you see a need in a person to speak out? Do not deny him it, alternately enter into conversations with him, do not refuse attention. Do you see that the employee is not inclined to share what happened? Don’t put pressure on him, let him survive his mother’s death on his own. Pay attention to how it is easier for him to cope with the loss: by reducing the amount of work or loading himself with it. During the period of mourning, provide him with a comfortable pace.
How to support loved ones who are also experiencing loss?
Many people find it difficult to find words that are appropriate. Here are the phrases cited by psychologist Sergei Shefov as an example of what you can say to a grieving person:
- "How do you feel?" is an open question that gives the grieving person the opportunity to speak out.
- “I'm sorry this happened” and “I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I feel this way with you” are ways to express your feelings.
Olga Shaveko
You and your loved ones may not be in the same stages of grief. For example, one person is in the stage of aggression and protests against what happened. And the other one is sad. And it seems to the first that the second doesn’t care at all and doesn’t support him. It is important to understand that you experience grief differently. You can seek support from people who are not affected by grief.
You can be there and allow emotions to show, ask what support is needed. Do not isolate a person from life, for example, if he feels the strength to go to work, support his decision.
It certainly doesn’t help to ignore the topic of loss and expect that after the funeral a person will live as before. Because then it will be difficult for the grieving person to cry and be sad next to you. He may brace himself to hide his emotions, but this will only increase the tension between you.
How to live without a mother: advice from psychologists
What ways will help you survive the death of your mother and return to normal life?
- Don't endure grief alone
. Do you want to lock yourself at home and cry? Better find someone to express your pain to. It is quite normal to seek support from loved ones during such a period. Don't think that people are cold towards you in times of grief - they are embarrassed to say too much for fear of causing additional pain. Speak up, share your thoughts. Don't trust anyone? Seek help from a psychologist. - The grieving process will not speed up
. Make active attempts to get your life back on track, but give yourself time to accept the situation. Have you heard a story about someone coping with mourning in a month or two years? Don't compare - everyone has their own time. Do not judge those who have overcome grief quickly and do not feel guilty in comparison with those who have suffered for a long time.
- Keep the memory of your mother
. She is not around, but she is in my heart forever. Save her favorite little things. First they will bring pain, then warm memories. Willingly listen to stories about her, read her letters. The pain of loss will gradually turn into light sadness.
- Don't ignore your physical well-being
. Misfortunes are seriously exhausting, leaving an imprint on your health. Maintain minimal physical activity, eat well, and sleep 8 hours.
- Realize: Mom didn't mean to hurt by leaving.
. Imagine how light her soul would be, seeing the happiness of her child and how hard it is to watch the tossing and torment. Get involved in a full life as if it sees you from above.
- There are five stages of grief (denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance)
. Don't focus on them. Not everyone goes through them in that order. Acute melancholy may come first, and then anger, and one cannot say that this is wrong. Everyone experiences grief at their own pace.
Psychological support is one of the foundations on which help for a grieving person rests.
When a person understands that he cannot get out of a difficult situation on his own, he should look for support outside: from relatives, girlfriends, friends, “comrades in misfortune.” It is important to find those who were in the same situation, who know how difficult life became when my mother left. Such people are not always among your loved ones: they empathize, sympathize, but experience different feelings due to a different degree of relationship with your mother. If there is no friend who would understand this condition, it is better to go where you can find true help - to a support group, if there is one in the city.
Faith and love will help you survive your mother's death
Coping with the death of a mother is much easier for people who are ready to turn to religion. In the absence of faith, the death of a loved one can result in serious trauma and spiritual wound. The person begins to deny the loss, not believing what is happening and repeating to himself that this could not have happened. Anger is directed at doctors, relatives, God and everyone who “did not save” the deceased. Aggression can also be directed at oneself: a person believes that he did not say something, did not confess his love, did not apologize. These feelings plague a person for a long time who is faced with the death of his mother and has lost faith.
Sometimes a few simple questions will guide you on the right path and help you deal with feelings of guilt. “Did you really want your mother to die?” Of course they didn't want to. If you think that you could have influenced the outcome of the situation, but did not, then you should console yourself with the knowledge that it is impossible to predict the future. If you could predict, you would prevent misfortune, but people do not have this ability.
Some may even experience intense feelings of guilt due to the protracted stages of grief. Gradually, people forget about what happened to the person; it seems to them that he has been walking around gloomy and gloomy for too long, not understanding that he is still experiencing acute melancholy due to the death of his mother.
No grief can avoid pain, but with faith in God it is easier to survive the death of your mother. It’s worse when you don’t believe and think that it’s all over, your mother won’t hear or know about your thoughts, repentances and experiences: one trauma is superimposed on another.
Understand the issue, seek help on a Christian forum, no need to leave important questions until last. Seek God - the search will help in difficult moments of grief.
What does the church recommend?
Grieving children are convinced that their mother’s death is unjust and furiously reproach God for taking their loved one away from them. The Church believes that God calls a person at the moment when he is ready for eternal life. Not wanting to let go of his neighbor, a person refuses to come to terms with his death. Mom's death will have to be taken for granted. She can't be returned. But you try to return to her again, constantly grieving and worrying. Your thoughts circle around death, but should be drawn to life. Clinging to a dead person, we want to be with him, and this is unnatural. You are still here, and you have earthly tasks, and by doing them you will honor the memory of the deceased with dignity.
An unbeliever, faced with the death of his mother, does not know how to find balance and come to terms with the loss. The believer places everything on God's will, understanding that throughout a person's life there are meetings and partings.
There is a plot in the biblical story that has a therapeutic effect on people who have experienced the death of their mother or other stress. Job's life fragments are implied. When he lost something important (there are many such losses), he said: “God gave, God took away.” Seeing Job's complete faith, God made up for his losses in full, giving what was missing beyond measure. By overcoming longing for a deceased person, we gain resilience and strength.
From birth, a person learns to part. He identifies himself with society, but there comes a moment of disconnection. Even in the sandbox, the baby learns to part with property: his shoulder blade is taken away from him, and he cries, painfully perceiving the loss. Over time, such situations become more common. At a certain point, everyone must be ready to part with what they consider to be theirs.
Let's assume that death turned into eternal life for mom. She feels good and easy there, and the only thing that worries her is your tears and suffering. Her soul cannot enjoy eternal life, it suffers with you. Don't isolate yourself and stop focusing on the loss. Believe that now your mother has found peace, and she is worried about your torment. Let her soul not grieve for you, take the path of returning to life - mom would approve of this. There are many things in the world that require participation - you will find yourself helping others.
Smile and live your life
At some point after your mother's death, you will find reasons to smile again. This is one of the greatest things we can do to honor our moms and the love we have for them. Find the joy of life again. Laugh heartily. Love those around you just as deeply as before. Live the way your mother would have wanted.
On those days when you just miss her, don't fight it. Allow yourself to grieve. Your mother deserves to be remembered. But she also deserves to be let go.
Analysis of the mourner's behavior
Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target. Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied.
A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.
If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?
Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.
Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period
