Experiencing the loss of a loved one is always accompanied by negative emotions and requires great moral and physical strength. If a person does not adapt to new circumstances, his feelings become destructive. How to prevent this, says Amy Green , MD from the world-famous and respected Cleveland Clinic.
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Causes of depression
Depression is a common, serious medical condition that negatively affects how you feel, think, and act. Its occurrence can be triggered by the death of a loved one. This is a stunning, unexpected, sudden tragedy. Such a loss is always a deep shock, the shock of which can leave scars on the soul for life.
A theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that a person goes through five different stages of grief after losing a loved one :
- negation;
- anger;
- bargain;
- depression;
- Adoption.
In the first stage of grief, denial helps minimize the shock of the loss.
The mind refuses to fully comprehend what has happened, thereby anesthetizing the emotional pain and allowing some time to adjust to this new reality. Then comes the turn of anger, which is a natural way of releasing negative emotions associated with loss. During this period, feelings of anger can be directed at oneself, at others, higher powers, fate, etc.
Despair from loss pushes you to search for a way to relieve or minimize the pain . This is how a person moves on to the negotiation stage. Bargaining can consist of various variations of thoughts: “What if I could prevent, protect, help...”
A person begins to look for the cause of what happened or who is to blame. And the feeling of anger is often mixed with a bitter feeling of guilt and self-flagellation. Or the perpetrators are appointed from among those around him: doctors, other relatives, etc.
The cycle of thoughts is accompanied by very diverse feelings, from bitterness and guilt to some relief.
Over time, the imagination calms down, the emotional fog begins to dissipate and the real experience of the situation approaches. The feeling of losing a loved one becomes stronger. It is this moment that is decisive - whether a person will become depressed or be able to overcome pain.
Upon successful completion of the previous stages, the person moves on to the acceptance stage . This does not mean that he no longer feels the pain of loss. Sadness and regret are still present in this phase, but resistance tactics are replaced by the desire to continue living and adapt to the new reality.
If your spouse dies
Losing a loved one is confusing and confusing.
There was life there. There was happiness there. There was laughter and understanding, care and joy. It seems that these conditions will never happen again without him or without her. A distinctive feature of emotional experiences after the death of a husband or wife is associated with a change in a socially significant role. This is often perceived as a loss of support, taking on additional functions that were previously performed by the deceased spouse.
In addition to the fact that a person is in a state of grief, he may be required to take decisive action or fulfill obligations to others: children, parents. This helps some people cope with emotional experiences faster, while others plunge them into a constant state of stress, which subsequently leads to prolonged depression.
Parents
The loss of parents is always a great tragedy . Psychological relationships that are established in the family leave an imprint for life. Even in the absence of a mother or father nearby, children (despite their age) often turn to them in their minds and evaluate themselves through their “look.”
The death of a parent changes life radically. In addition to bitterness, sadness and loss, there is a feeling of emptiness. To return to life, the fact of loss must be accepted. And the sooner this happens, the better. Remembering them, we must not forget about ourselves, our plans, deeds and aspirations.
Child
Parents feel responsible for the well-being of the child. Therefore, his death does not simply deprive them of a loved one. They also lose years of hope and the very meaning of life. Although parents grieving a loss experience many of the classic 5 stages of accepting the inevitable, there are many unique characteristics. The trauma is often more intense and the memories and hopes are more difficult to let go of . Thus, the mourning process lasts longer and the likelihood of depression is much higher.
Brother or sister
Siblings provide each other with opportunities to learn how to interact with other people. Although their relationships may be complex and not always close, the loss of a sibling is often a devastating experience .
It can provoke feelings of guilt, remorse, post-traumatic grief, and regression in social relationships.
Because siblings often project what happens to them onto themselves, fear of their own death may arise. It can be expressed by concern about any physical symptoms, fears of external society, etc.
From prolonged depression to neurotic disorder
Prolonged depression is fraught with neurotic personality disorder. The transition to an irreversible state occurs in four stages. Each is characterized by an increasing depletion of a person’s adaptive capabilities and severe mental stress.
Stage 1 – inappropriate behavior. A person's reaction to stimuli is immediate. Every remark or sideways glance can provoke hysteria or aggression in response. Social norms require hiding obvious emotions, showing tact and understanding, and respect for other people's feelings.
Stage 2 – acute neurosis. Emotional instability leads to physiological disorders. This also includes “eating” negativity, passivity, and neglect of external conditions. The body does not receive enough oxygen and accumulates excess carbon dioxide.
Stage 3 – anxiety and irritability. A lack of oxygen in the blood quite naturally leads to disruptions in the cardiovascular system. Emotionally, this results in anxiety and irritability. The subsequent insomnia and increased fatigue lead to a decrease in brain activity.
Stage 4 – neurotic personality development. A depressed psychological state significantly reduces self-esteem. Compared to others, a person begins to feel worthless and untalented. The aggravation is stronger, the more successful he was before.
Alcohol and other bad habits do not provide peace, but, on the contrary, drag you deeper and deeper into the bottom of life in a whirlpool. The imaginary Land of Dreams, which one finds oneself in for a while, is not able to dispel depression, but only aggravates it.
Symptoms and stages of grief
Everyone grieves differently. The five stages of grief can occur in order, replacing each other, or occur chaotically , periodically returning a person to an earlier stage of experience. It is not necessary that everyone has to complete all of them. Likewise, the time required to accept the inevitable varies from person to person.
Unlike depression, during grief, painful feelings come in waves, often mixed with positive memories of the deceased. At the same time, adequate self-esteem is usually maintained. In severe depression, on the contrary, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing arise.
During grief, thoughts of death may surface as fantasies of “union” with the deceased. With depression, thoughts focus on taking one's own life due to a feeling of undeservingness of life or an inability to cope with pain.
People during grief experience a loss of emotional connection , feelings of unfulfilled duty and guilt. Coping with feelings, emotions, sensations and learning to live in a new way can be quite difficult. This requires time and concentrated work on yourself.
Signs of development
Symptoms of depression can range from mild to severe and include:
- Feeling sad or depressed.
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed.
- Changes in appetite, weight loss or gain not related to diet.
- Trouble sleeping or excessive sleepiness.
- Loss of energy.
- Increased useless physical activity, such as inability to sit still, walk, or write by hand.
- Slow movement or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be noticed by others).
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions.
- Thoughts about death or suicide.
Symptoms must last for at least two weeks. Additionally, medical conditions such as thyroid problems, brain tumors, or vitamin deficiencies can trigger similar conditions. Therefore, it is important to rule out common medical causes.
How to survive: advice from a psychologist
There is no one-size-fits-all plan for coping with the death of a loved one. Loss situations and emotional connections are different for everyone. And everyone experiences grief differently. But there are a number of general tips that can help you get through this difficult period easier and even reduce the symptoms of depression.
- Acknowledge the loss . To survive grief, you need to admit that it happened and nothing can be changed, stop blaming yourself and others.
- Experience the pain of loss. In order not to carry the heavy burden of grief for the rest of your life, you need to feel your emotions, deal with them and survive them.
Allow yourself emotional outbursts, tears, share your feelings with others.
- Reorganize your life and environment . The death of a loved one always leaves a feeling of emptiness that is difficult to fill. There is no need to strive for this. It is necessary to reorganize your daily life to suit your changing needs. Find a new activity for the free time and new acquaintances who will help you look at life differently.
- Build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live . This doesn't mean forgetting about him. But accept the fact that he will not return and previous relationships, no matter how valuable they are, should not interfere with future life.
The death of a loved one is a serious stress that can trigger the development of various diseases. Therefore, you should take care of yourself and your physical condition. You should not refuse the support of loved ones and friends . Give free rein to your feelings. Open expression of grief will help to throw out negative emotions and alleviate the psychological state.
Try to express your emotions through creativity. Psychologists advise writing a letter to the deceased, putting unspoken thoughts and feelings on paper. You can describe your grief or express it through art objects.
Don't set time limits for dealing with loss. Give yourself time to process your emotions rather than suppress them. At the same time, do not close yourself off from those who are dear to you and love you. You can process grief together and support each other.
Treatment
A person may have difficulty overcoming depression due to the following circumstances:
- thanatophobia occurs;
- pain from interruption of emotional connection;
- lack of feeling of security;
- strong confidence in one's guilt;
- resentment towards the person who left and left the grieving person;
- misunderstanding why this happened and the loved one is now gone.
Then you can’t cope without the help of a doctor. Psychotherapy sessions have proven themselves the most. However, in very advanced or profound conditions, medications may be prescribed, namely:
- antidepressants;
- neuroleptics;
- tranquilizers.
The doctor may also prescribe:
- a course of vitamin therapy;
- physiotherapy;
- nootropic drugs.
The doctor also advises to follow the correct daily routine and not break it.
What should relatives do to help a grieving person cope?
It is painful to see a loved one, friend, acquaintance who has just lost a relative.
How to help survive the death of a loved one, what to say, how to behave, how to alleviate suffering? Trying to help with pain, many try to distract the person from what happened and avoid talking about death. But it's not right.
Effective ways to help a grieving person:
- Don't ignore conversations about the deceased. If a person's thoughts revolve around him, it is very important to give him the opportunity to speak out and cry.
- Immediately after a tragedy, nothing can distract a person from grief, he just needs moral support. But after a few weeks, you can begin to direct his thoughts in a different direction, invite him to some pleasant place, offer joint courses, and so on.
- Switch your attention. It is best to ask for a simple service to show that his help and participation are important to you.
Physical exercise can speed up the recovery process from depression. They stimulate the production of endorphins - hormones of happiness, the deficiency of which provokes depressive states.
Avoid loneliness
Be sure to tell your friend about your feelings. At some point, you will want to hide from the whole world and just remain silent, but it is in such a situation that communication with a loved one is necessary. Don't demand too much from him, because he may not know what to answer or how to console you. If a person does not understand you, do not move away from him, but simply speak out. Over time, you will become comfortable communicating, and this will greatly ease the state of grief. You shouldn't go to parties or birthdays if you feel uncomfortable. The holiday atmosphere may seem inappropriate and even offensive to you. Communicate with close relatives, the loss has shocked them too
If the other parent is near you, pay special attention to him. Together it will be easier for you to overcome grief
When is specialist help needed?
A person suffering from depression finds himself in a kind of vicious circle: getting rid of the disease requires energy and will, which are lacking when a person is depressed. Therefore, people cannot always heal on their own. If even one of the symptoms of depression persists for a long time (more than two weeks), it is recommended to seek help from a specialist.
Psychotherapy is used alone to treat mild depression. It helps to recognize distorted/negative thinking in order to change thoughts and behavior. Individual therapy is carried out in the form of a conversation . Group therapy brings people with similar problems together in a supportive environment and can help the participant learn how others cope with similar situations.
For moderate or severe depression, it is recommended to combine psychotherapy sessions with antidepressants. These medications are not sedatives or tranquilizers and do not have a stimulating effect. Their action affects the levels of certain chemicals in the brain. Therefore, only a psychiatrist who also monitors the patient’s condition can prescribe such drugs.
Negative effects of depression
So, depression is natural and even necessary for a person who has experienced stress. Why is prolonged depression harmful? Let's start with the fact that a state of complete isolation from the external environment is not typical for humans. He needs socialization, information and energy exchange, and emotional support from the outside. The restrictions imposed are akin to a mono-diet, when a person consumes only his own reserves and also keeps all negative experiences to himself. Gradually, the habit transforms into a way of life. Spiritual exhaustion and mental intoxication are perceived as the norm. Moreover, there is a fear of ordinary communications with people, and psychological disorders begin.
