Many people at a certain stage of life are faced with a difficult question: “How to survive the death of your mother?” It’s hard at any age, and it always seems to us that we didn’t prove something, didn’t show it, didn’t have time. The death of a mother is always a shock, even if we do not immediately realize it. It seems to us that if this happens, it won’t be soon, but life often makes unexpected adjustments.
Analysis of the mourner's behavior
Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target.
Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied. A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.
If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?
Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.
Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period
Pay attention to your physical condition
If my mother died, what should I do? You need to pay attention to your physical condition. Since grief is exhausting, plus the hassle associated with funerals and inheritance, negatively affects health. Watch your sleep, regardless of the circumstances, go to bed on time. Also, you should not be critical of your appearance during this period. It is better at such a time to take care of a balanced diet and cleanliness of the body.
If you are still crying for your mother, then carry a bottle of water with you. This way you will replenish lost fluid. In addition, thanks to the reflex mechanism, you will calm down a little. If we talk about alcohol, then you shouldn’t drink it. Since the effect will be short-term, the consequences can be serious.
How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist
Psychologists are often asked about what to do when I cannot come to terms with the death of my mother. Most often, working with a psychologist and following his recommendations is enough, but in severe cases, you may need to visit a psychiatrist and take medications.
What to do?
First you need to give yourself some time. Many people cope with the situation themselves, but this does not happen right away. If acceptance does not occur for too long, you need to find a psychologist with whom you will be comfortable working.
You shouldn’t give up being active and solving organizational issues. Activity helps to distract yourself and prevents you from dwelling on grief. You should do as much as possible in the first time after your mother’s death: after organizing a funeral or cremation, a wake, sort out the deceased’s belongings, resolve inheritance issues, and receive relatives who came from other cities and countries.
If there is such a need, you can get rid of reminders of the loss. This is not a manifestation of ingratitude, but an attempt to reduce the significance of the loss, reducing the intensity of the pain. Some people, on the contrary, tend to leave everything as it is.
How to cope with loss?
Alcohol, drugs and other destructive methods that help you forget and temporarily relieve pain should not be used. Such options can lead to the development of addiction and negatively affect health. It is better to find healthier ways to relieve your emotional state: talking with friends, sports, helping others, communicating with your children, sisters, brothers, father, keeping diaries. The methods are individual for each person, you need to find the right one.
There is no point in trying to suppress feelings. Because of this, psychosomatic pathologies may develop. Both women and men can cry. It is also useful to speak out. However, to do this, you need to choose people with whom you have a trusting relationship: communicating with critics who try to devalue feelings will only do harm.
There is no need to replace the mother with other people. A husband, children, father, friends can make life better, give it more meaning, but they cannot replace a mother.
You cannot give up and strive to die. Most often, there are other people and pets who can give meaning to life. We must remember that the mother did not want misfortune for her child; she would be glad if his future life was happy, filled with pleasant events and meaning.
How to let go?
Most often, it is possible to let go only after going through all the stages. If anger or guilt after the death of your mother lingers too long, and you cannot get out of a depressive state on your own, it is recommended to seek the help of a specialist.
Psychologists recommend going to the cemetery and talking with the deceased. If a person is a believer, prayers can help. In addition, it is useful to write letters to the deceased, where, in addition to memories of the past, there will also be stories about what is happening now. This illusion of communication often helps to cope with grief faster.
How to deal with feelings of guilt?
It is possible to come to terms with the death of your mother only by ceasing to feel strong guilt. You should turn to logic. If the cause of death was the mother’s illness, the child most often was not able to influence the situation in any way; some pathologies cannot be cured. If a woman died alone in an apartment, the cause of death was also not the absence of children nearby - old age and the presence of somatic diseases also need to be taken into account.
Religion will help believers get rid of negative emotions. It should be borne in mind that God decides when a person dies; the children of the deceased are not to blame for what happened.
How to ask for forgiveness?
Children who have experienced the death of their parents often feel the need to ask for forgiveness. Since this can no longer be done in person, severe emotional discomfort is possible.
Quiet activities are important too!
It is important to do something calm after the death of your mother. For example, you can keep a diary. In it you will write down your thoughts as you worry, as a result of which it will be easier for you to accept the fact that your mother has died.
You can also do meditation and yoga. These activities help free your mind and body from bad thoughts. It is also useful to be in the sun during this period. Sunlight and fresh air will never be unnecessary.
Reading is a great activity to take your mind off things. You can re-read books that you like. They will help you to be comforted. You can start reading educational literature, thanks to it you can learn something or learn something new.
Music also has a positive effect on the human condition. Listen to calm songs, but it’s better to avoid loud ones for a while.
And, probably, the best way to distract yourself is to help your neighbors. For example, you can buy groceries for your grandmother neighbor or clean the apartment. It is possible that an animal needs help on the street. Don't pass by, save him! Any option to help your neighbor will help your soul survive grief.
"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"
The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .
The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:
- frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
- visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
- a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
- often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).
During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.
From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.
Pay attention to your physical condition
Simple advice to those whose mother has died: listen to yourself. Instead of delving into suffering, it is better to think about your own health.
Some begin to drown their grief in alcohol, others refuse to eat, and others become addicted to energy drinks. A month of living like this is enough to significantly undermine your health.
First of all, you should refrain from drinking alcohol after the death of your mother. Mom passed away, but would she want her son or daughter to destroy themselves through the green snake? The answer is obvious, a mother did not give birth to her children so that they would drown their grief in wine.
Excessive consumption of energy drinks will lead to heart problems and sleep disturbances. The person becomes irritable, aggressive, and nightmares are possible. In rare cases, it comes to visual hallucinations. But does a healthy, perhaps married, person need it... Hardly.
The gym is a very good distraction from sad thoughts. If the orphan has never been there, now is the time to sign up for classes. A person will maintain not only physical, but also moral condition through exercise.
With a bright memory, escape from depression after the death of loved ones
We, people with the anal vector, remember all the good things done to us. We want to avoid being left in debt. We want to return exactly as much as they once gave us. But after the death of a loved one, we understand that we were late, we didn’t have time. This feels like a state of depression. They could, but they did not provide love, understanding, care, and participation to their parents.
We reproach ourselves for the fact that a hundred times we wanted to take our mother to the sea, take our father to his favorite fishing trip, and simply spend weekends with them more often, sometimes call them in the evening, but we got wrapped up and got stuck. And now there is no one, no one to go to. And depression after the death of my mother paralyzes the ability to do anything.
Feelings of guilt can painfully and for a long time drag a person back with shackles, to a place where nothing can be changed. But this property of the anal vector can not destroy, but have a constructive effect and help get out of depression after the death of mother, father, grandmother, grandfather - those to whom, it seemed, there would still be a moment to say thank you.
After all, in the past you can unearth not only reasons for reproaching yourself, but concentrate on what you are grateful for to your parents, dear ones and loved ones.
Remember how your mother’s caring hands cooked pies for you and always cut off the most ruddy piece, how your father’s inept hands braided your hair, afraid to awkwardly pull a strand, how your grandparents cried and were proud when you received your diploma, how at any of your calls and even without him, these hearts were ready to take all your adversities upon themselves.
How much happiness you gave each other! Although it is not possible now to kiss your beloved cheeks and say thank you, you can take this feeling of gratitude to other people and, with the name of your parents, give into the world the same warmth that your parents gave you.
What did your parents always want most? So that everything goes well for you, so that the work is to your liking, so that comfort and understanding reign in your home. To make you happy. You can give this to them now. Then gradually the stupor and depression after the death of your mother will no longer hang like a chain on your life in the present. Only bright sadness and gratitude will remain in the heart.
Religion is not the answer
A common misconception is the idea that religion provides comfort to the living and relieves the fear of death. Of course, it saves, but in a completely irrational way. Since no one in the world knows what will happen after the end of life, there are many versions of this. Religious ideas about hell and heaven are also a version, a popular one, but is it reliable? If you have been honoring your God since childhood (it doesn’t matter what religion you profess), then it is difficult for you to accept the idea that not a single clergyman knows what will happen to you after death. Why? Because no one has ever left here alive and no one has ever returned from there.
Hell in our imagination is depicted as a completely inhospitable place, and therefore death can be frightening for this reason. We are not asking you to give up your faith, but no faith should inspire fear. Therefore, there is another answer to the question of how to stop thinking about death. Give up the belief that after death you will have an inevitable choice between hell and heaven!
"Negation"
The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction occurs on his part. Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which best characterizes the onset of the following symptoms:
- mistrust;
- irritation towards the one who brought the news;
- numbness;
- an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death;
- inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (attempts to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)
As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when the person can no longer deny what happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and allow them to speak out and throw out all their emotions, which primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.
Controlling obsessive thoughts
If thoughts of death are constantly swirling in your head, they can become dangerous. It's normal to talk about it with friends or sometimes think that if something happens to your loved ones, it will be difficult. But if you imagine how the body decomposes, or constantly project the pain that a person supposedly experiences in the last minutes, then there is nothing healthy here. There is no need to bring your thoughts to obvious obsession. For example, there are people who sleep in a cemetery to try to feel what it is like to sleep underground. Is this normal? Of course no! Therefore, you should not bring yourself to such a state. Everything should be in moderation, even if we are talking about rather sad thoughts. So try to concentrate on life. Don't put yourself into completely groundless depression. There is so much beauty in life, so it’s simply a pity to waste it on gloomy thoughts that still can’t change anything.
Psychologists' opinion
In order for the pain to truly subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grieving”:
- State of shock (1-3 days). The message about the death of the mother initially leads to a stupor. The person denies reality. It seems that this is a mistake, a bad dream, etc. He has to confirm the fact of death again and again. Some people do not get out of this state for many years, or even their entire lives. For example, a daughter leaves all her things to her mother, hoping that someday they will be useful to her again.
- Sobbing (1-9 days of death). During this period, a person is overcome by the most powerful emotions, he feels pain, despair, and cries a lot and heavily. At times, sobbing is replaced by complete physical and emotional exhaustion. This is especially common immediately after a funeral.
- Depression (up to 40 days). Relatives and loved ones return to their former lives. There is less and less support. There is an acute feeling of emptiness, strong melancholy and anger.
- Mourning (up to a year). Emotions subside. Acute pain appears only occasionally. A person realizes his loss, spends a lot of time with memories, carefully sorts them out, and tries to talk to someone. When sadness sets in, she cries.
- Anniversary. An important moment when all relatives gather again. It is customary to celebrate this day with remembrance, wakes, prayer, and a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help to finally say goodbye and let the mother go. Not necessarily on the same day. Mourning can last up to 1.5 years. Then, unless stuck, the daughter or son returns to everyday life. At times they feel the same emotions, but the general condition remains satisfactory.
Important. Nature has a natural mechanism for dealing with grief
Interfering with it or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means falling into a long-term depression. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors invited professional mourners to funerals. They helped me get in the right frame of mind. Therefore, at first you need to step back from all important matters, take a vacation, send your children to visit you so that you can cry enough. At the same time, it is strictly not recommended to suppress feelings with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.
Peak of Pain: How I Get Through Days of Sorrowful Memories
The birthday or death of your mother, as well as any other date associated with a deceased loved one, is the most difficult to get over. Weekends were no less difficult for me, when there is more time to reflect on memories. Simple recommendations will help you cope with your worries:
1 YOU NEED TO SHARE: if you keep the pain inside, it will find a way out, but not in the most acceptable way (through aggression, hatred, etc.), so you need to talk about feelings with loved ones;
2 IMPORTANT to experience negative emotions, not to turn a blind eye to them, not to deny the possibility of such feelings;
3 YOU NEED TO AVOID SITUATIONS, things, objects that will cause sad memories, you should understand the difference: if you remember your mother, keep the memory of her, you need to avoid triggers (factors that provoke a new wave of grief);
4 YOU CAN’T LOCK YOURSELF AT HOME, spend time in bed, you need to get up, put yourself in order in order to feel movement, then consciousness will switch to the environment, and not to experiences;
5 IT IS IMPORTANT TO DO WHAT COULD Bring pleasure, joy; you should not try to force yourself to do something that causes negative emotions on this day;
6 YOU CAN CREATE NEW TRADITIONS IN THE FAMILY, which will allow you to replace the old ones, and if the old foundations cause pleasant nostalgia, then there is no need to break them, on especially difficult days you can devote yourself to a business, an activity that will be done in honor of your beloved mother (make a charitable contribution on her behalf, to help the poor, etc.).
I have nightmares after my mother's death. How to stop feeling guilty?
Good afternoon, Lera!
I sympathize with you and share your grief. Losing your mother at such a young age, and even due to suicide, is a terrible stress.
I ask you to understand, accept and realize that life happened the way it happened, and it could hardly have happened any other way. We cannot live life for other people, we cannot force them to think the way we think. Every person has the right to freedom of choice: you have it, your mother had it.
Feelings of guilt, and, as a result, nightmares at night in such a situation, are absolutely natural. It is simply difficult for you to come to terms with and accept death as such. What could you do then? How could you help? Would this be a successful attempt?
Lera, first of all, forgive yourself, stop taking responsibility for someone else’s decision to leave this life.
What if, God forbid, you had a similar situation in your life as your mother? Are you sure you would have acted appropriately? And would you listen to other people's advice? Would you blame your children for YOUR decision (even if it was wrong and terrible)?
So, the first thing is a clear acceptance and awareness of the above. The second is negative emotions and feelings. They need to be worked out. Necessarily. Preferably with a specialist. If this is not possible, use the “Letter” technique: imagine that you now have the opportunity to write a letter to your mother, she will definitely read it. Describe everything that you would like to tell her: do not be shy, give yourself free rein in this letter, display all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that you harbor. You can write several letters (one per day or every 2-3 days) - you will see how with each new letter, your cry from the soul will be quieter, the pain will go away, and acceptance and humility will come to replace it. Burn the letter each time (better in the fire of a wax candle, put the ashes in the bathroom), then gently walk each finger of your hand over the flame, let it burn a little more, looking at the flame is very useful in any case!
The process of grieving over the deceased is the process of LETING GO of him. Let go of your mother’s soul, and, in turn, forgive her for such a serious mistake. After all, THERE she understood and realized everything a long time ago, and, I think, she suffers from feelings of guilt no less than you. Don’t hold it like that, let each other go in Peace, help mom go into LIGHT and PEACE. Then you will calm down, and there will be no more nightmares.
I wish you to find peace of mind and lightness as soon as possible.
Rate the psychologist's answer: Rating 5.00 (2 Votes)
Allow yourself to be sad sometimes
So, let's imagine that a year and a half has passed since your mother died. You miss her a lot, especially when you go to visit your father. You're holding up pretty well. You can laugh and smile when you tell your children what your mother told you as a child. You can also play her favorite songs and sing as loud as she sang. You can even say that you are doing well.
But some days are harder than others. One day you may wake up and want to hear your mother's voice. You'll want to call her right away and hear her laugh. You want to laugh together. Your mother probably had the best sense of humor of anyone you've ever known, and you really need it.
How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist
The moment came when I felt that I didn’t know how to survive the death of my mother; I needed the advice of a psychologist like air. For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. For me, this stage came after six months of melancholy.
It would seem that it was time to come to terms, but for some reason it only became harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:
1. Don't be alone with your grief. Even if you want to lock yourself at home and cry, look for someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You are going through a difficult emotional period and it is normal to seek support from others. It may be awkward for the other person to continue the conversation for fear of causing you additional suffering. Don't ask for active dialogue. Your task is to speak out, share your feelings of longing and memories. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that you need the help of a professional psychologist.
2. Don't try to speed up the grieving process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Don't compare yourself or listen to others compare how long it took someone else to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some can smile after a week, others remain in apathy for years.
3. Keep the memory of your deceased mother. Yes, she is not around, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, treasure her favorite little things, learn to bake a pie using her signature recipe. Collect stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help replace the pain of loss with a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with your mother on a new level.
4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief is very exhausting and leaves an imprint on your health. Allocate 7-8 hours to sleep, eat normally, and at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.
5. Analyze which moments without your mother hurt you the most. Perhaps you always went shopping together before. Or on Sundays we went to the cinema. Or every evening we had a tea party with our favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!
6. Change your usual schedule of activities and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit unusual places in the city.
7. Remember that your mother did not want to hurt you by leaving. Imagine what emotions she would experience looking at her child’s happiness! Live life to the fullest as if it were watching you from above!
There is nothing new or unusual in the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother. But it happens that it is a recommendation, opinion or hint received from the outside that opens up the path of mental healing for you, forces you to re-analyze the situation and your condition and find the strength to live on.
Bitter loss
Nothing can prepare a person for this terrible loss. Over the years, you may have many friends who have also lost their mothers. You will be sad for them, and they will be sad for you, because you all have one thing in common: you do not know how to come to terms with the death of your mother.
It doesn't matter what exactly is written in this article. Unless you have lost your mother, you will not fully understand the depth of grief. Pain hurts deeply and it hits you at random moments. One minute you'll be fine, and the next you'll be curled up on your bedroom floor in incredible mental pain. If you've lost your mother, you're probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement. And you still haven’t figured out how to survive your mother’s death.
Kaisar Dauletbek
This summer, my close friend, with whom we grew up, passed away.
She died suddenly. Doctors said it was lupus. When trying to determine the cause, one of the possible factors was a sudden change in climate. Two years ago they moved to Spain. When a person who cyclically exposes himself to forty-degree frosts moves into daily twenty-degree heat, this affects his health.
She was often taken to doctors; she always had health problems. Everyone is used to it, and so is she. But the doctors said that it was lupus only after she died.
Lately we have stopped communicating closely, and I scold myself for it. When she was admitted to the hospital, I didn't think about the seriousness of the whole situation. I thought maybe it was another check.
When her organs began to fail on the third day, I realized that I had to go to the hospital and at least find out how her parents were doing. Her dad was always looking for the necessary medicine. Over the course of two days, he flew to Moscow several times: the medications were always not suitable.
On the fifth day, my mother called me and said that Tomiris had died. This is the kind of knockdown after which you need time to understand what’s going on.
When you learn about the death of a loved one, you don’t have time to think about anything. You just feel empty. And tears are a reaction that allows you to fill that very emptiness. I was raised in a family where it was unusual for men to show tears. But you are crying and there is no way to stop it. The most comfortable solution for me is to go somewhere and sit in isolation. I think that most people raised like me, which is the majority of men in Kazakhstan, need isolation. You need to think, collect your thoughts, and only then can you discuss the situation with someone.
It’s hard when you realize what’s happening, when you realize that this person is no longer there. It’s hard to see parents who have lost a child: I looked into their eyes, and they looked through me.
I didn't say a word to them, not even once. I just couldn't. He gave napkins and brought some medicine, but didn’t say a word. I think just being there at that moment means a lot.
The worst thing you can say to a person experiencing grief is: “If anything happens, get in touch.” The best thing you can do is to give him some thoughts.
We are distracted from our emotions when we start thinking about something. If, let’s say, I’m sitting and crying, then it would make me feel better if I asked: “What were your best memories? What made this man different from the rest? It's something that can make you think, rack your brain, remember something. While your brain is doing this, it will not be able to give meaning to emotions.
I sometimes remember Tomiris. I remember what a wonderful person she was, but I don’t think about her death. I have a picture hanging in my dorm that she painted. Every day I wake up and look at this picture - now it is part of my routine, I do not attach much importance to death.
Feelings of guilt - justified or not
The mother died, but her child remained and cultivated a feeling of guilt. It seems to him that during the life of the parent the child did not show due care and respect. Somewhere, an orphan could offend his mother with a harsh word, forgetting to call or visit once again - this eternal lack of time. In general, he lived his own life, and my mother remained on the sidelines. A person, thinking about this, gnaws at himself, his sense of guilt grows every day.
Stop! If you continue like this, you can go crazy, in the literal sense of the word. All adult children, sooner or later, are separated from their parents. This is natural; a person creates his own family, which requires attention. And this does not mean that the parents are deprived of the attention of their son or daughter, it’s just that the child has become an adult.
As for harsh and rude phrases, there is no person who has never been insolent to their parents. Even the most well-mannered child, growing up, begins to defend his point of view and is capable of hurting his mother’s feelings with a careless statement. No wonder there is an expression - a conflict of generations. It is inevitable, especially in the child’s adolescence. But what can I say when adult children sometimes say harsh words out of resentment or in a fit of anger.
Everyone goes through this. Cultivating a sense of guilt in oneself is a thankless task: after all, the mother no longer cares, and the orphaned person only becomes more upset, which can lead to health problems.
Take a break
Try to get back to school as quickly as possible, no matter how difficult it may be. As a last resort, if you don’t want to part with your remaining parents, allow yourself unscheduled vacations. At school and at home your wishes will be treated with understanding.
Try to finish your parenting work. For example, if mom grew flowers and did not have time to plant a garden. Or maybe dad never cleaned up the garage. Firstly, the activity will distract you, and secondly, the result will remind you of a loved one.
If you are offered to take part in an event, a new school or student project, agree. This will distract you from sad thoughts. Nobody wants you to forget about your parent. But he definitely didn’t want you to be alone.
Do what you love
If sad thoughts appear in your head, you miss your mom, then you need to switch to something. A good option would be to do what you love. On the contrary, you can try something new. If you like to draw, then start creating for your own pleasure. Another good option is to start writing poetry (if, of course, you have the desire for this). The topics for creating them can be different. You can write poems about your dead mother, about how you let her go, that you love her.
If you were previously an active person, then you should not forget about such activities. Sign up for some training, for example, dancing. Swimming is a great activity for relaxing, improving physical health and freeing yourself from sad thoughts. If you do this with a close friend, the effect will be double.
Find spiritual and psychological support
Do not despair if it is very difficult for you and you cannot cope with the state of grief on your own. In this case, contact an outsider who will provide psychological or spiritual support. During psychoanalysis sessions, a specialist will help you understand yourself and return to normal life. The advice of a psychologist will give impetus to the fight against depression. It may happen that sessions are held regularly over several months or years. Remember - the main thing is that you feel comfortable.
If you are a believer, then go to church, talk to the priest. Many who have lost a loved one order magpie for the deceased. The atmosphere of the temple will help you gather your thoughts and strengthen your spirit. In addition, you will be able to communicate with parishioners who will be able to support you in this difficult life situation. You can attend a psychologist and church at the same time.
Track your emotional state
If your mother died, how to live on? The following recommendations from specialists, which we will give below, will help you. Learn to monitor your emotional state to determine when feelings of sadness increase. Of course, this skill will not eliminate worries, but it will help make these moments less painful. For example, if you started crying in a hypermarket when you remembered that you went there with your mother, then next time go to the shopping floor with someone close so that he can support you.
Note that against the backdrop of emotional outbursts, a person may feel that his career is unpromising and his marriage is terrible. Be sure to write down all hasty conclusions in a notebook, and then check them over time for consistency, without neglecting the support of loved ones.
What to do when your mother dies?
It’s clear that you don’t want anything during such a period. Although right now you need to do everything to make her feel how much you love her. If your mother dies, then while she is alive, shower her with tenderness. Try to spend more time together during this period. When your mother dies, you should think only about her, and not about yourself. She needs support during this difficult period. What to do when mom dies? It is necessary to fill her last months, weeks and days with joyful moments so that she understands how much you care about her. It is possible that this will help her spend more time in this world.
When a mother dies, it is useful to pray for her and light candles for her health. So it is possible that you will be able to extend her days with you. You can also invite a priest to advise your mother.
What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.
Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.
If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.
Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.
Stages of Grief
Some of the five stages you will have to go through:
- Disbelief. When a mother leaves the world, her child, regardless of age, does not believe what happened. It seems that all this is a dream, my mother just left the house and will return soon. Even on the day of the funeral, standing in front of an unearthed grave, a person refuses to believe what happened. It feels like everything that’s happening is a bad dream.
- Addiction. Time passes after my mother's death. The one who lost her begins to slowly get used to his mother’s absence. But the awareness of death never appeared; out of habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call my mother. I want to share something with her, talk, come visit (if living separately). And then, the person remembers that there is no one else to go to, no one to talk to, since his mother is no longer there.
- Humility. Gradually, the orphan begins to come to terms with the death of his mother and realize the loss. And then, along with pain and bitterness, a feeling of guilt comes.
One of the most difficult periods is self-reproach, guilt before the deceased mother.
“The girl seemed to have locked herself in a shell.”
One of the students is late for school - it turns out that her mother was taken to the hospital with a severe headache. Two days later, the girl’s father calls in tears: his wife died of a cerebral hemorrhage,” says Filippova.
The young woman’s departure came as a complete surprise to everyone; her daughter was grieving the loss. The girl, according to Olga Vladimirovna, was in complete apathy for some time - she indifferently did what was asked of her, her face was like a mask: it did not express any reactions. The baby seemed to have closed herself in her shell: this was the defensive reaction of the psyche. Over time, the girl managed to live through her pain, and now she is doing well.
A year later, another student in the same class lost her mother.
“The woman had cancer, so her care became somewhat predictable both for the family and for us. In addition, the girl’s family is of Buryat origin - they, like Buddhists, have a special perception of earthly death and its meaning for the human soul. All this helped to get through the grief easier,” says Filippova.
After this double story, new traditions appeared in the class: for example, students write letters to each other in which they talk about strong feelings - this helps children become more aware of their lives and develop empathy.
The desire to gain immortality
On the one hand, it is clear that every person would like to live an eternal life and have time to do everything that he wanted, but for which there is always not enough time. However, there are also those individuals who literally become obsessed with immortality. They begin to read literature, study books on how exactly they can achieve what they want. And even if such people do not perform strange rituals or try to summon someone from the other world, they still waste a huge amount of time on such searches. As a result, in the pursuit of immortality, they miss precious minutes of life. Therefore, this position is considered fundamentally wrong.
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