Transition and adolescence: how to survive

“Prickly,” touchy, vulnerable, impudent – it’s all about them, about teenagers. About those who have entered a difficult transitional age. About those who are on the path from childhood to adulthood. About those who find it difficult to understand and accept everything that happens to them.

This article is dedicated to teenagers. In it you will learn what adolescence is, what dangers await children and parents at this stage of growing up, and what mothers and fathers need to do to help their child survive this difficult time.

To satisfy your child’s need for independence and independence, but continue to take care of his safe movement, install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores. You will always know where your child is without annoying questions, calls and SMS.

Content:

What you need to know about adolescence? Why is it difficult for children?
Why is it difficult for parents?

Features of the transition period

For girls

In boys

Puberty issues

What dangers await children and parents?

How to help your child survive adolescence?

Parents' mistakes in education

How parents should behave during this difficult period

If a child falls into bad company

What actually happens to teenagers - determining the inner age of your child

Advice to parents from an expert psychologist

Physical development

Teenagers grow an average of 9 centimeters per year. There is rapid growth of the heart muscle (length, width, volume). Blood pressure (usually increased) and heart rate change. All body systems are rapidly changing.

Modern teenagers are characterized by a general weakening. Despite the apparent acceleration, in comparison with teenagers of past decades, modern girls and boys, according to the results of a study by L.V. Mishchenko, are underweight in more than 80% of cases. The overall strength also decreased.

What you need to know about adolescence?

Psychologists have long noted the trend of “rejuvenation” of adolescence. Children now enter the transition period much earlier than their parents - at 10-11 years old. Also about adolescence up to 18-19 years old, when the child reaches adulthood and is separated from his parents not only psychologically, but also materially and financially.

We all go through transitional periods that can be characterized as follows: baby, child, teenager, young man (girl), adult. At each level of maturation, physiological processes occur. Also, the formation of an emotional field, social adaptation occurs, a system of values and personal principles of the individual is built,
– Oksana Tumadin,
expert psychologist, author of a unique methodology for unlocking personal potential and uniqueness.

Within the boundaries of adolescence, two stages are distinguished: younger adolescence (10-12 years old) and older adolescence (starting from 13 years old until the end of the transition period).

In early adolescence, the child already begins to feel his adulthood, his need to communicate with peers increases, and his body prepares for changes.
By the age of 13-14, hormonal changes reach their peak. The child becomes irritable, touchy, and his mood often changes.
The transition period ends with the child's entry into adulthood. The emotional state of boys and girls stabilizes, and mature, balanced decisions appear. The time is coming for complete separation from the parental family.

It is not known exactly how long your child’s adolescence will last. Because, having matured physically, a teenager may remain psychologically unprepared for an independent organization of his life for a long time.

Why is this period called transition? Because in the development of a child there is a transition from childhood to adulthood. And the main task for a teenager is to realize himself and separate from his parents.

The transition period begins when a hormone begins to be released that activates the pituitary gland and gonads,
– Oksana Tumadin,
expert psychologist.

Adolescence is a challenge for both children and parents.

Now two trends are visible: 1) the tendency of reluctance to grow up early, to start families and children at least until the age of 24-28. With this indicator, responsibility towards one’s life in all areas decreases. Later periods of onset of financial independence lead to semi-dependence on adults. This is where conflicts between parents and children occur. Teenagers, on the one hand, crave independence and show this in all their actions, based on hormonal development, as intended by nature. On the other hand, teenagers unconsciously themselves slow down the transition to adulthood, not wanting to take responsibility.
2) The second trend is the desire to quickly reach your destiny and change the world. There are more and more children like this. They are born already adults and it is very difficult for them to introduce all levels of physiological maturation - they want to grow up faster and, not paying attention to all the teenage outbursts in their character, they go towards their goals in order to get things done. They understand what they want, where they are going and, as a rule, from childhood they are busy thinking and studying the world, far from being like a child,
– Oksana Tumadin,
expert psychologist.

Why is it difficult for children?

They change externally and internally. And sometimes it is difficult for them to accept these changes and control them.
They want to be accepted in society and feel important. Instead, they may face ridicule, aggression from peers, or become a victim of bullying.
They expect understanding from parents and acceptance of all their characteristics. Instead, they face total control, criticism and prohibitions.
They want autonomy and independence, but cannot get it because they do not yet bear full responsibility for their actions.

Why is it difficult for parents?

They don’t know how to behave with older children.
We are used to being an authority figure for our child.
Not ready to let go of your son or daughter.

Feeling of adulthood: how is it characterized?

When adults ask the question: “What age is a teenager?” - then, as a rule, they just want to know when their child will calm down and become sweet, kind and good again. However, teenagers stop being hooligans and being rude not at all when adolescence ends, but at the moment when in their minds the tendency to grow up changes to a feeling. That is, as soon as a teenager gains a sense of adulthood, his behavior changes radically.

How is this feeling characterized? First of all, awareness of responsibility for one’s own actions and words. Secondly, an understanding of the value of things and the meaning of money appears. Teenagers no longer just want to be a hooligan and rebel against existing rules; they are trying to earn extra money and save pocket money to buy something. They are also more consistent in their wishes for holiday gifts to parents.

At what age do children become teenagers with a sense of adulthood, rather than a tendency towards it? There is no answer to this question. Personality development occurs individually and largely depends on the conditions in which the child lives.

Features of the transition period

For girls

What happens to girls during adolescence:

looking for themselves, their own style, experimenting with appearance and clothing, striving to attract attention;
interest in boys as objects of the opposite sex appears, the first love arises;
mood swings often occur: unbridled joy is replaced by deep melancholy;
increased anxiety appears associated with school performance, answers at the board, relationships with classmates;
strive to independently resolve problems without the help of adults.

In boys

What happens to boys during adolescence:

become aggressive, rude, angry due to increased production of the male hormone - testosterone;
concerned about their appearance
they strive to amaze others with bold actions and are prone to posing;
often demonstrate protest behavior: skipping classes, running away from home;
try alcohol, cigarettes, smoking mixtures;
strive to belong to the “group”, to be part of it.

Disadaptation

Disadaptation, that is, problems with accepting a new social situation and entering into it, is a normative phenomenon of adolescence. This arises against the background of uneven development of personality spheres. Disadaptation manifests itself:

criticism of oneself and others;
hypersensitivity;
vulnerability;
aggressiveness;
instability of desires and moods;
intrapersonal conflicts (the most popular is “Who am I?”).

A teenager strives to know himself, which results in a craving for peers (clubs of interests, subcultures, multiple acquaintances). That is, a teenager receives information about himself by looking at his peers.

All teenagers are explorers. They study the world, themselves, and other people. Sometimes introspection takes an extreme option and turns into self-examination and self-flagellation.

It was experimentally revealed that adolescents who are anxious, insecure, uncommunicative, withdrawn, overly controlling themselves and feeling guilty have problems with adaptation.
An average level of adaptation was noted in unstable adolescents with an average level of self-control, prone to dominance and aggression.
Successful adaptation is characterized by confident, sociable, non-anxious adolescents with adequate self-esteem and level of self-control.

Sometimes normative maladjustment drags on, and then, as a rule, we are talking about deviant behavior.

Puberty issues

Puberty (puberty) in adolescents is associated with the active production of sex hormones in both boys and girls. Hormonal changes entail changes in the physique, personality, and behavior of the child.

What is the period of puberty characterized by:

the appearance of the first menstruation in girls and nocturnal emissions in boys;
changes in height and weight;
active work of the sebaceous glands, which often causes acne;
development of mammary glands and rounding of hips in girls;
the appearance of hair on the armpits and genitals;
muscle development in boys;
increased activity of the sweat glands and, as a result, the appearance of a sharp, unpleasant odor of sweat.

“Storm of hormones” entails such symptoms of adolescence as:

increased interest in the opposite sex, including erotic interest;
mood swings;
worries about appearance;
aggressiveness, irritability, outbursts of anger.

During this period, it is important for parents to:

put aside shyness and discuss all issues related to puberty. It is better if mom or dad touches on these “sensitive” topics than if the child is “enlightened” by the Internet;
Under no circumstances should you shame your son or daughter for their increased interest in sexuality. Many parents are horrified when they catch their son masturbating or their daughter watching a porn film. There is nothing terrible about this. Your child is growing. If earlier he was interested in cars, dolls and Legos, today he is interested in the relationship between a man and a woman;
Do not ridicule the child’s experiences regarding his appearance. It is better to remind your son or daughter once again that all ugly ducklings someday turn into beautiful swans, you just need to wait a little;
If a teenager is very worried about acne and excess weight, it is worth visiting an endocrinologist.

What dangers await children and parents?

Now let's talk about those things that aggravate a child's adolescence and which parents should pay special attention to:

Bullying at school

A withdrawn and shy child can become an object of bullying, while a cruel and aggressive child can act as a bully. And absolutely all teenagers can act as observers.

The dangers of social networks

Social networks are something that modern children cannot imagine their lives without. But they also carry a certain threat.

A child may face both online bullying and offers to join “death groups” or take part in a game. Recently, an extremely dangerous game called “Run or Die” has become widespread on social networks. Its meaning is as follows: one teenager must cross the road in front of moving traffic, and do it as close as possible, and the second must film this moment on video. After this, the video is posted in the appropriate group, and the participant receives an assessment of his “feat”.

Getting into bad company

Teenagers strive to be involved in the group, to become part of. Therefore, there is a great danger that your child will end up in an “inappropriate” company, where young people commit illegal acts, use alcohol, drugs or smoking mixtures.

Make sure that your child does not associate with bad company and does not harm his health. Install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

Early sexual life

Increased interest in the opposite sex, curiosity and hormonal surges often contribute to early sexual contacts in adolescence.

Replacing the real world with a virtual one

Faced with misunderstanding of parents and lack of friends, the child withdraws more and more into himself. For him, immersion in virtual reality is protection from the outside world. In computer games, a teenager “realizes” himself: he accomplishes “feats,” “earns money,” and becomes successful.

Suicidal thoughts

The appearance of thoughts about death in adolescents is associated with conflicts in the family, bullying at school, first love, and lack of friendly relations with classmates.

Decline in school performance

Against the background of a hormonal surge and restructuring of the body, adolescents often experience a decrease in cognitive abilities and loss of interest in learning. In severe cases, asthenic syndrome may develop - increased fatigue, sleep disturbances, frequent headaches, and autonomic disorders.

How to help your child survive adolescence?

Parents' mistakes in education

As we have already said, it is also not easy for parents to survive the period of growing up of their son or daughter. Therefore, many, often unconsciously, with their phrases or actions break the threads of love and trust that connect them with the child.

What parents of teenagers are not recommended to do:

Criticize and prohibit the child’s communication with friends (“I don’t like this Vasya of yours, he studies poorly and dresses sloppily. I don’t want you to be friends with him”).
Make fun of your appearance and clothes (“Why did you wear so much makeup for school? You look like a clown”).
Excessively control all areas of the child’s life (“Who called you just now? Come on, quickly show me the phone”).
Treat like a small child (“It’s too early for you to know about this. When you grow up, then we’ll talk”).
Ignore the teenager’s worries (“Why are you crying in the bedroom again? Better go do your homework”).
Compare with peers, classmates, children of acquaintances (“But Nastya from your class studies with straight A’s and helps her mother around the house, but you only have boys on your mind”).

How parents should behave during this difficult period

The psychology of a teenager is such that he will defend his opinion in any situation, even if he is wrong. Therefore, try to talk to your child in a calm tone, without breaking into shouting and accusations. Listen to his point of view and together with him find a suitable solution to the conflict.

The position of the parents is important; you need to understand the child as himself during this period. The task is to quietly transform relationships into friendships. Having a heart-to-heart talk as friends is the only true way, and slowly. By speaking honestly about your childhood, you will find a mutual interest in communicating about this period as you transition into adulthood.
The goal is to establish an internal connection, which I think is important for all parents to maintain,
– Oksana Tumadin,
expert psychologist.

Talk to your child more often about all the changes that are happening to him. Most parents do not do this, leaving the teenager alone with his experiences. Cover the topics of falling in love for the first time, the beginning of sexual activity, the use of alcohol and psychotropic substances. Explain to him that not everything that friends try or recommend trying is safe and will not cause harm.
Support your child in any endeavors and hobbies (except those that may harm him). Even if they seem stupid and frivolous to you. It is not necessary to separate them, the main thing is to respect the child’s choice.
Treat your teenager like an adult, even if you don't think of him as one. Give him freedom to make decisions, but let him not forget about responsibility for his actions.
Move from the “above” to the “beside” position. Become a friend, an older comrade for the child.
Your child is growing up and moving away from you. Do not try to stop this process with prohibitions and excessive control over his life.
Pay attention to what your child is doing on social media. You should not read his correspondence - this is a personal matter. But you have every right to know what groups and communities he is in and whether there is danger in them.
Frequent conflicts with a child in most cases arise due to excessive control and when parents begin to interfere too actively in his life.

In order to get rid of excessive control and stop conflicts with a teenager, give him freedom of movement. And in order not to worry about your child and know where he is when he doesn’t answer the phone, install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

If all your conversations with your child boil down to discussing grades at school and criticism for the mess in the room and unwashed dishes, you risk losing a trusting relationship with your son or daughter.

Joint walks, trips, hikes, and heart-to-heart conversations will help establish relationships with a teenager much faster than moralizing conversations.
Yes, you may not like your child's friends. But criticizing or prohibiting communication with them is not the best way out of the situation. The teenager will perceive this as another attack on his independence and autonomy in choosing friends.

Actions define people. Not words, not thoughts, but actions, and when teenagers make a conclusion about someone, they proceed from the actions of people. They are like scanners that determine whether a person is sincere or fake. Due to their clear vision and keen sense of reality, they conflict with people and resist going where they do not need to go. They resist consciously and you only need to understand your child through observation and conversation, because it is during adolescence that a system of values and principles is built by which he will then live,
– Oksana Tumadin,
expert psychologist.

If your child’s adolescence is particularly difficult, your son or daughter is increasingly moving away from you, walks around depressed and often cries - be sure to seek help from a psychologist! These may be signs of bullying at school, conflicts with peers, or the appearance of depressive and suicidal thoughts in a teenager.

If a child falls into bad company

Don't panic. Ask yourself: is this company bad for me or for my child? If a teenager receives respect, recognition and support there, he will strive with all his might to continue to be in this company.
Get to know your son or daughter's friends better, invite them to visit or go out into nature. Perhaps your opinion about them will change.
Remember: prohibitions and threats will not help! The child will still communicate with his company, but secretly from you.
If your worst fears have been confirmed, and your child has indeed become involved with bad company, your main task is to regain a trusting relationship with your son or daughter and try to find out the reason why this company attracts him so much.
Try to interest your teenager in other exciting things: sports, music, programming.
If you find out that your child is a member of a religious sect or has contacted a criminal group, do not hesitate at all! Change school, area of residence or city so that the child is not tempted to return to his old “friends”.

Recommendations for parents to overcome the crisis

Despite the difficulties in communicating with parents and the active desire to separate, during a crisis period a teenager needs proper support and protection from adults. At the same time, parents need to give up previous forms of control and give the child the necessary amount of freedom.

Each child is unique, and parents will have to find an approach on their own. But a few simple recommendations will help you understand the teenager and help him overcome the crisis:

Unobtrusively enter the environment . A friendly, calm approach will help overcome misunderstanding and aggression. Participation in life situations and common interests will allow you to unobtrusively help your child solve problems as needed.
Be interested in hobbies . It wouldn’t hurt to share the child’s interests, discuss his hobbies with him, talk about his thoughts and find out his point of view on various issues.
Be patient with emotional changes . A violent reaction should not cause an explosion of emotions in response.
Provide freedom . It is important to provide the child with his own space, and, if possible, a private room. You should restrain your desire to control his actions, hobbies, emotions.

When talking with a teenager, you should also adhere to a number of rules :

Avoid notations. Even small children do not like moralizing, and in a teenager they will only cause protest and aggression. Within a few minutes his attention will switch to something else.
Don't blame, don't criticize. Any comments must be made in an environmentally friendly manner, without accusations, moralizing or imposition.
Discuss casually. Teenagers are not always ready for serious conversations face to face. Increased attention to the child’s problems will make him think that his independence is being doubted. But careful conversation during joint activities will bring results.
Don't raise your tone. Calm conversations are more effective than shouting and scandals.
Praise. Due to their insecurity, teenagers really need praise and approval.
Communicate with your child via instant messengers and social networks. Children spend a lot of time on smartphones and tablets. Correspondence in instant messengers is familiar to them. Communication in such an environment will allow conversations to take place in a direction that is comfortable for the child.

Even correct behavior on the part of parents does not exclude the possibility of conflict, aggression and disobedience in a teenager. However, a respectful attitude towards the individual and the appropriate manner of communication between adults can reduce the severity of crisis signs and their intensity.

What actually happens to teenagers - determining the inner age of your child

Oksana Tumadin, expert psychologist, author of a unique method for unlocking personal potential and uniqueness:

To better understand what happens to teenagers, let's look at the internal ages. G. Gurdjieff formulated more than 100 years ago the seven internal levels of man. Many parents will understand their children, help them go through adolescence without stress for both parties and move into a conscious adult world without losing their childish spontaneity. It is this childlike spontaneity in life that gives success, good luck, joy of life, joy from one’s achievements.

Baby

“Baby” is a person who does not want to take responsibility and lives only to satisfy his needs. You've probably all seen older people who demand extra attention to themselves, turning the lives of those around them into hell. This is exactly the level of a baby, which means that a person, having gone through his entire life, has not matured.

Child

The “child” already lives for the family, but lives according to schemes, recommendations, rules - for him everything should be clear and put in order. It is the “Child” who takes care of the adult “Babies”, based on the rules laid down in generations.

Teenager

The “teenager” wants to reach new heights, stand out from the crowd, and experience life. The teenager tries to develop his greatest strengths and abilities. But often he still lacks awareness of ethics and the rules of human communication and relationships, because of this, the ways to achieve his goals are sometimes not environmentally friendly.

Teenagers do not respect authorities. In relationships they can show their superiority. Often adults remain “Teenagers” - this is expressed in the forced submission of others to their rules.

young man

Next comes the “Youth” level. A person begins to think about the meaning of life, often moves away from material dependence in order to learn other values. If the previous levels have been correctly assimilated, then the boy (girl) is aware in all areas of life, understands everything they need to do, where to go and why.

If the previous levels are not completed, then teenagers become lazy and stop doing ordinary tasks in relation to family, work, and school.

Adult

The “adult” connects all the previous levels and knows how to manage them. He is responsible for his life, for his family, relationships, work. Can guide teenagers and young men to go in the right direction.

There is still selfishness in “Adult”, and sometimes it condemns everyone who is irresponsible or does not understand basic things in relation to life.