You have met the one and only man of your dreams. The world around was filled with new bright colors, colors of passion, desire, and, of course, dreams of living together for the rest of our lives in love and harmony. But like every person, he turned out to have a past. And the past in the form of a former family: wife and children. Even if the chosen one had simply had a frivolous relationship with a girl, this fact would also not have gone unnoticed by the new passion.
And the viper of jealousy towards your ex has already crept into your heart and is eating away at you a little. It would be good to gain strength and cope with this, because you truly fell in love with this man, which means you must accept him for who he is, with all his past. And if you can’t cope and jealousy overwhelms you, are you afraid of harming your relationship or losing your husband? And then my ex-wife constantly bothers me with calls. There is only one thing in my head: how to stop my husband being jealous of his ex-wife? There is no clear answer to this question, but let’s try to figure it out anyway.
What is jealousy
This is one of the strongest emotions we feel for our loved ones. Often the absence of jealousy is interpreted as a lack of love. And the abundance of this feeling is perceived as all-consuming love.
When we are jealous, we are afraid of losing the person. Jealousy cannot be attributed to mistrust. Rather, it is a lack of confidence in yourself and your own strength to keep your soulmate near you, the fear of being left alone, and another woman taking your place.
Justified jealousy
You have the right to be jealous of your partner if there are some changes in your life together. The husband comes home from work later than usual, and sometimes early in the morning, making excuses for important negotiations. With the appearance of evidence of his infidelity (lipstick on his shirt, the smell of women's perfume on his clothes), the feeling of jealousy intensifies. You have the right to create a scandal and find out the reason, demand an explanation. As a result, this will lead either to the complete destruction of the relationship (divorce), or to reconciliation with promises of further fidelity.
But will you still have trust in the person who has already cheated on you?
Justified jealousy also manifests itself in a situation where your husband flirts with other girls in front of you. He may have several motives for this: bad manners, resentment towards you (the goal is to annoy you), testing your feelings for him, narrow-mindedness (I didn’t think that you would be offended). In any case, such behavior does not justify him and you have the right to make claims against him.
Unreasonable jealousy
This emotion is often unfounded. You uncontrollably check your partner’s things, sniff out clothes, look for stains, read your husband’s SMS and go to his page on a social network. You speculate that he has another life parallel to yours. But the fact that the person is with you already says otherwise.
You are jealous of your loved one for people with whom he was once close: ex-wife, children, girlfriends. Some even manage to show aggression towards their significant other’s mother, saying:
- “You spend more time with your mother than with me. Who do you love more: her or me?
You cannot compare two different concepts such as wife and mother. Be reasonable. And if you still experience negative emotions, then keep them to yourself
However, do not let your husband manipulate you and offend you, everything should be in moderation.
What questions torment jealous people?
The first step is to figure out why jealousy occurs and how to deal with it? As a rule, jealousy occurs in people who are not confident in their positions and recognize the superiority of others over themselves. They are constantly tormented by unpleasant questions:
- how important were the past relationships for the partner, are they more important than the current ones;
- which of us does he or she love more?
- won't this comparison be in my favor?
These questions indicate that at the moment the most important thing for us is to be the main character in your partner’s life, the most desirable, surpassing in the intensity of feelings all previous love stories. And when a partner does not let us feel this clearly, fears and uncertainty arise in the strength of the ties that bind you. If you are not confident in your irresistibility and importance in your partner’s life, jealousy of the past appears and becomes the cause of your discord.
Causes of jealousy
To stop being jealous of your husband’s past, understand the reasons for such an attitude towards him. Behavior in everyday life is determined by past situations, and the occurrence of jealousy is determined by the following reasons:
- Mistrust . It can occur if the husband had countless sexual partners before marriage. The woman gets the impression that the character of her other half has not changed, and he is still the same “male” as he was. It seems to her that he stares at every skirt and imagines himself in bed with others.
- Diffidence . Not every child receives enough attention during childhood. If one of the parents, in particular the father, was absent, then in adult life the woman will always lack male attention. And if a husband stops communicating with his wife for a short period of time (the reason is unimportant: work, meeting with friends, going to the store), the woman perceives this painfully.
- Dissatisfaction with sex . Many couples are constrained in sexual expression. They are embarrassed to admit to each other the secret fantasies that they periodically embody in their heads, and in life they are afraid to tell their partner about it. Some individuals are characterized by laziness or unwillingness to please their partner. Others limit themselves to all sorts of taboos that society imposes.
- A woman pays little attention to her husband . This usually happens when there are small children at home. The wife does not physically have time to devote time to her husband, as she is busy with household chores and caring for children. That's why she gets jealous. In her head there is an opinion that her husband is looking for consolation on the side.
- Communication of a partner on social networks with the opposite sex . This habit occurs when there is insufficient communication in real life. He tries to make up for it in correspondence on a social network, while being kind and showing positive emotions towards the opposite sex. At the same time, the man does not think at all that such behavior could offend his wife.
- Unstable relationships . Instability of relationships occurs in the initial stages of living together, when partners are getting used to each other, getting used to everyday issues, and solving common problems.
- Communication problems . Often partners do not want to hear each other, do not delve into each other’s problems, and thus misunderstanding arises. To understand each other, you need to talk.
- Defensive reaction . Jealousy acts as a distraction. The principle applies: “as long as I am jealous, I am above suspicion.”
- Social influence . In Russia there is a popular expression: “he beats, that means he loves” or “he is jealous, that means he loves.” Therefore, to maintain the image of a loving person, some partners resort to such a strange method of influence.
How to stop being jealous
When meeting an adult man, you, of course, guess that he has a past life. This could be either a girlfriend or a wife with children. But after a while, a jealous feeling appears in your heart for those people whom he once loved. Now you are wondering how to stop your husband being jealous of his ex-wife.
If your husband has children with his ex-wife, then their communication is the norm. The husband communicates with the children from his first marriage, gives them gifts, and gives them money for maintenance.
This characterizes him only on the positive side. Jealousy is inappropriate in this case
From time to time, your man also communicates with his ex-wife to clarify issues in raising a child or to arrange the next meeting between father and child. And you are gnawed by a burning feeling of jealousy; it seems to you that your husband pays more attention to the child and the woman with whom he once lived.
But in the end, he chose you, you are married, living a happy life. He has the right to decide how much time he should spend in his first family. And reproaches and complaints against him will worsen the situation. Quarrels will lead to divorce and disappointment in you as a woman.
Even if your family has a common child, this does not mean that he should come first.
For a husband, all children are equal, he loves them equally, so prohibiting him from seeing them would be a mistake. You don't want to hurt the person you love.
You are worried that your husband will want his ex-wife back. And you feel sorry for the time he spends visiting his old family, because you could spend it together, go to a park or a cafe, a movie. But instead, you get a charge of anger and hatred for the past, it destroys not only your psychological state, but also family life and relationships with your husband.
To improve your relationship with your ex-wife, talk to her and ask the children to become friends. Then the husband can bring them into his house to play together. And you will stop being jealous of him because of regular trips to her house.
More often than not, such thoughts are far-fetched, you overthink yourself, so the best solution would be to talk to your significant other. Find out the points that interest you, tell honestly about your feelings and emotions.
The man's choice fell on you, which means you have nothing to worry about. It’s better to make sure that your relationship gains harmony, otherwise jealousy will completely destroy it. And the husband will really decide that the first wife is still better than you, because she can’t stand her brain over trifles. His meetings with the child rather speak of his responsible attitude, love and decency, and not of the fact that he is a hero-lover.
Another option is to talk to this woman face to face. Based on her behavior, it will become clear how she feels about your chosen one, whether she still has feelings for him, or maybe she has already met another man with whom she is happy. Sometimes it happens that ex-wives and current wives become friends.
Lack of self-confidence can be the main reason for jealousy. You see that his ex looks more attractive than you. Instead of destructive emotions, take care of yourself, show your husband that there is no one more beautiful than you.
Don’t neglect meeting with a good psychologist if you can’t control yourself at all. If you do nothing and leave life in this direction, this will lead to a break in the relationship. A family psychologist who conducts sessions with couples will also help in your case. If your husband agrees to visit him, this will have a positive effect on the relationship between you.
Working with a psychologist
Let's sum it up
Jealousy of an ex is different from possessiveness in a relationship. Because, having broken up with a guy, you no longer have the conditional right to possess him. Everything here revolves around your wounded pride. Especially if you yourself initiated the breakup.
Just the 5 steps described above can bring you closer to independence from your ex-partner. You will stop killing yourself like that, become more confident in yourself and next time you will choose a guy, already having new, invaluable experience.
Are you a jealous girl? Tell us about your experience in the comments.
Advice from psychologists
- Women love to rummage through their husband’s belongings, phone, and correspondence on social networks. As they say, “he who seeks will always find.” Psychologists advise not to deliberately look for reasons for jealousy. If the husband does not serve them, then why look for something that is not there? Instead, improve yourself, find a hobby so as not to suffer from nonsense.
- Give your husband freedom of communication. Each person chooses his environment independently. Constant control will ultimately lead to the destruction of the family, and your husband will leave you.
- If you are plagued by self-doubt, love yourself for who you are. But don’t forget to improve yourself. Eat right, play sports, read educational books. Then, over time, self-esteem will rise, and jealousy will go away by itself.
- Look for only the positive in the world around you. Find a hobby you like, communicate with kind people. Eliminate from your environment rude and uncouth individuals, after communicating with whom you feel lost and empty. These are psychological vampires, they drink your energy to replenish their own. If you have a negative thought about your significant other, learn to change the negative to positive. Remember the pleasant moments that your husband gave and continues to give. Become the woman he fell in love with, stop being an “old grump.” Believe me, it doesn't make you look good.
- To save your family, stop being jealous of your husband. Understand that love is trust and respect. And jealousy is a manifestation of aggression and possessiveness. You keep pace with your husband, so why ruin your journey together with destructive feelings? Love yourself, become a support for your husband, and then jealousy will go away.
Jealousy is an offensive feeling for a person. Stop insulting your husband with such behavior, trust and love him, and most importantly, value yourself.
