How to stop being jealous of your ex and continue living without looking back

Even when a breakup seems inevitable and you're pretty sure you're better off, you may still wonder how your ex is doing, what they're doing or who they're with, and most importantly, whether they're pining for you or have someone something new. Jealousy after a breakup is often an even bigger problem than the feelings you ultimately felt during the relationship.

You may wonder why you are not good enough and why these people have what your ex really wanted. With no way to protest and a greater potential for feelings of anger, betrayal and disappointment, you may feel incredibly jealous and wonder how to stop being jealous of your ex. Luckily, taming your jealousy and moving forward in a calm, happy and mature manner is not impossible.

Retrospective jealousy—or jealousy about your partner's past—is a common problem for couples. You may feel like their past threatens your current relationship and you keep dwelling on it. Sometimes thoughts continue to cause anxiety:

I wonder if he/she was a better lover than me?
I wonder if he/she might want to return to him?
I wonder if he/she thinks about how great it was to be with him.
I wonder if he/she will want other women/men.

You may accept that the relationship is over, but these thoughts may be tormenting you. These past experiences create insecurity and a sense of lack of control within you. Your thoughts and feelings about the past were a threat to your current relationship.

Normalize your feelings1

This type of jealousy is normal and simply reflects the primal human desire to be the only one in the world. In fact, some cultures still insist on "virginity" for newlyweds, even though this is often not possible, practical or desirable. Any competition is seen as a current threat. So don't think you're crazy because you have these feelings.

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is a natural reaction that follows someone's attack on your property. You and your loved one belong to yourself and each other, so jealousy flashes in any classic relationship. But what about jealousy towards your ex?

He does not belong to you, just as you do not belong to him. Everything is in the past, you both have found freedom. Or maybe only he has found freedom, because you still can’t calmly watch him develop a new relationship. This time jealousy decided to play against the rules.

No, in fact, jealousy continues to remain neutral. It's all about you and your attitude towards your ex-love. You still feel possessive about your ex and won't let him go. Even if you think that the past is over, your subconscious mind will drag you back to the past.

What are the reasons for this and how to deal with it?

Thoughts and feelings are not dangerous5

We often want to control our partner's thoughts and feelings—a kind of romantic perfectionism. This is unrealistic and only adds to your partner's feeling that it will be impossible to satisfy you. If you accept that everyone has personal thoughts, feelings and fantasies, you will live in a real world where real relationships are possible.

How to understand that you are jealous of the past

Read the statements suggested by Overcoming retrospective jealousy / Psychology Today by psychology doctor and Yale professor Robert Leahy:

I often think that my current partner had a lover in the past.
When I think about this, I feel anxious and worried.
I'm wondering if my partner's past relationships were better than ours.
I want to be the only person my partner has ever loved.

If you understand that some phrases can be applied to you, then you are jealous.

Focus on making your future8

It's less important what happened in the past, more important is how you two deal with the present. Questioning, blaming, seeking reassurance, and walking away will not strengthen the bond between you. Instead of dwelling on the past, try your best to love and appreciate each other. Make daily and weekly plans for fun, growth and connection rather than arguing over what is over. The current relationship will flourish in its own interests. The past can be left in the past.

How to get rid of jealousy of the past

Retrospective jealousy can ruin not only your relationship with your partner, but also your emotional state in general. To prevent this from happening, try following these tips.

Acknowledge your feelings

First of all, you need to understand that your emotions are completely normal. They don't make you a bad person or crazy and, according to Getting past the past jealousy / Psychology Today psychologist Robert Leahy, are explained by a natural desire to be the only one. Understand your feelings, accept them, otherwise it will get worse.

Robert Leahy

Doctor of Psychology and Professor at Yale University

Feeling jealous is difficult. It makes you anxious, angry, sad and helpless, and it interferes with your relationships. So be compassionate with yourself.

Ask yourself what exactly worries you

Sometimes pinpointing exactly what triggers jealousy can help. Perhaps you are not interested in who your partner dated before, but what kind of person he was then. Or you want to find out what attracts him and what irritates him. Or you think you can predict the development of your relationship.

Look at the situation from the other side

Let's say you are afraid of losing your lover because he is wonderful. Think about what made him this way, and admit to yourself that past romantic relationships also contributed.

Any relationship makes us more experienced and allows us to develop. And perhaps, if they weren't there, your partner wouldn't have become the person you fell in love with.

Realize that the past is the past

Even if you know that your partner had a relationship before you (and even more than one), remind yourself that it ended. Perhaps people realized that they were no longer interested in each other, or they identified different goals in life. In any case, this is a past stage that has nothing to do with you.

Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and remember that you also have your own history and people who were once dear to you, but then remained in the past. And this, as Robert Leahy says, Overcoming retrospective jealousy / Psychology Today, is completely normal for the 21st century.

Robert Leahy

Imagine that at the age of 30 you meet a person your age who tells you: “No one before you seemed attractive to me or aroused passion in me. You are the first person I like to talk to." Will you believe it? I doubt.

To look more realistically at your significant other's previous relationships, Robert Leahy advises Overcoming retrospective jealousy / Psychology Today to periodically repeat the following phrases to yourself:

I shouldn't be the only person my partner has ever desired.
Just because my partner enjoyed sex with someone else doesn't mean he can go back to his ex-lover.
My partner can enjoy intimacy with me even if he previously enjoyed sex with someone else.
My partner's fond memories do not threaten our current relationship. All people mentally return to positive experiences, this is natural.

Remember that thoughts and feelings are not dangerous

Trying to control thoughts and feelings does no good and only shows the other person that you will never be happy with them. Realize that everyone can think and fantasize about whatever they want, and then you will live in the real world with real relationships.

Don't make your relationship a test

Try to control yourself: do not interrogate your partner, do not look for reasons to find fault and do not provoke him into quarrels.

If you know that certain topics or names are triggers for you, don't try to bring them up again in conversation and don't ask your partner to share details of his previous relationships.

Talk to your partner

If you speak out, it will be easier for you to accept your feelings and get rid of jealousy. And your partner may be able to calm you down.

Just be correct and respectful. When talking, try to use “I statements” and focus on your current emotions rather than on the past. For example, you could say, “Sometimes I worry that you will leave me because I believe you can date whoever you want,” or “I know that you and [name of ex-partner] were planning to get married. So even though I believe in your feelings for me, I sometimes worry that you will realize that you want to be with him/her.”

Learn to accept what you are told

You can share your feelings with your partner, calm down for a short time, but then begin to torment yourself with doubts again. This happens due to the fact that you do not fully trust either the feelings or the words of your significant other.

Try to calm down your anxiety, understand that you cannot double-check every word, and accept what your partner convinces you of.

Stop spying on your partner

If you check your loved one's phone every day, the most you will get is neurosis and a final break in the relationship. Nobody likes it when their personal boundaries are violated. Therefore, do not follow your partner when he goes somewhere, do not show up to work with him, and do not try to learn something from third parties.

Don't scour social media looking for photos of your exes and cute comments they once left for each other. Remember that sad faces and details of quarrels are not posted on the Internet. Therefore, several photographs from travel do not at all indicate that your significant other’s previous relationship was easier, freer, happier.

Focus your energy on developing relationships

Constantly thinking about the past or worrying that your partner might leave you takes up a lot of energy. So much so that she doesn’t have any time left to spend time together. And because of this, you move away from each other.

It is impossible to change the past or predict the future. Therefore, it is better to focus on the present and do everything possible to develop relationships.

Robert Leahy

Questioning and accusations will not strengthen the bond between you. So just love and appreciate each other. Plan how you will have fun, develop and communicate, rather than argue about something that is long over.

Remind yourself of your worth

According to family psychologist Emily Cook, Dealing with Jealousy About Your Partner's Past/Healthline, insecurity can fuel jealousy. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you focus on the appearance, character and behavior of your partner's ex.

In this case, it is important to understand that you were chosen for a reason. Most likely, you are an attractive and interesting person with your own views, hobbies and dreams, and there is something special about you. Remind yourself of your unique talents and qualities, devote time to a long-forgotten hobby, play a sport, or immerse yourself in a new project at work.

If you have difficulty identifying your positive qualities, move on to the next tip.

Talk to a specialist

Therapy helps you switch from your past partner to your internal dialogue and figure out what exactly caused your jealousy. It makes sense to seek professional help if:

Obsessive jealous thoughts do not leave you.
You think about your partner's past so much that it affects your daily life.
You repeat certain actions to relieve stress. For example, wash your hands constantly.

If your partner doesn't mind, you can go to couples therapy and try to solve the problem together. This option may help if:

You ask each other the same questions.
You feel like you're talking about irrelevant things and getting no closer to solving the problem.
Your partner's answers cause you even more stress.

#6: Talk to her honestly and directly.

There is nothing worse than hidden checks and suspicions. This will confuse your relationship even more, and then she will not be able to forgive you for your unworthy behavior. The best way to cope and forget is an open conversation. You will be surprised how simple and understandable everything will be after you have a heart-to-heart talk. You will no longer worry about how to stop being jealous of your girlfriend's past. You yourself will understand: maybe accept your wife, forget and move on, or it’s time to leave. If you don’t know where to start a conversation with her in order to sort things out, then check out the “First Phrases Constructor” at this link.

These ways to forgive a girl’s past will help her cope with her emotions and forget everything. And if you don’t know where exactly to start, then look at these instructions.

Is it possible to fight this?

Absolutely yes. Of course, you can wait, because sooner or later this condition will pass, but it is better not to waste your energy. In addition, the torments of jealousy, and especially such hopeless jealousy as jealousy towards your ex(s), are very difficult to endure. Every extra day spent in this state is worth too much, so it's worth fighting for.

What can be done? Advice like: “take a break,” “go to the movies,” “read a book” in this case is simply ridiculous - anyone who has ever suffered from jealousy of a former significant other will say this. You can watch a dozen films and not even remember what they are about. There will always be the same picture before your eyes - former love in someone else's arms. In this case, the only effective remedy is feeling. More powerful than what we are experiencing now.

Moreover, we are not talking about falling in love again (in this state it is unlikely), but about bright emotions, unforgettable sensations, and an adrenaline rush. Think for a second: now you are not bound by anyone, you can do as you please without regard to your soulmate. What you might not have been able to do before, you can now easily do. Much, of course, depends on your capabilities and your own character, but, as an option, it is worth considering the following scenarios:

Go somewhere for the weekend, even just to walk around another city. Visit new places, take a bunch of photos, leave comments on them on social networks. It’s good if you manage to go further away and stay there longer.
Try to organize some useful project. For example, find the nearest animal shelter, visit it, think about how you can help him. You can organize a fundraiser for it or an “Adopt an Animal” event, during which you try to find new owners for the animals. This activity, by the way, can be so captivating that in a week you will not be able to remember what your ex looked like, much less be jealous of him.
Pamper yourself. Think about what you would like, what would give you pleasure. Make a list of what you want, including both the simplest and the completely impossible at first glance things. Then divide the entire list into three categories: desires, tasks, dreams. This may turn out to be unexpectedly useful in the longer term. After analyzing the list, try to make your wishes come true first, then think about how to solve the problems, and imagine what could be done to make your dreams come true.
If the previous options are difficult to implement in the foreseeable future, you can show at least minimal activity: pay visits to friends and acquaintances, finally. The main thing is to spend less time alone and thinking.

What exactly bothers you about her past?

Guys often say, “I can’t forgive a girl for her past.” What is hidden behind these words? Here are the most common complaints a man has about his chosen one, which change his attitude:

Many partners. For 4 years you thought that you were her first or second, but then it comes up, first one of her exes, then another. It turns out that you got an experienced wife, but you thought that you taught her everything yourself. You feel like a “deer” and are sure that she is not the one you fell in love with.
Official marriage and the status of a “divorced woman” are stressful for many men. Often the attitude towards this fact is worse than when a girl simply lives with a guy.
Having children, even if a woman hid them with their grandmothers for a long time, is a serious test.
Cheating on her part in past relationships. There is a fear that your wife will betray you.
Relationships of convenience greatly change the opinion of your beloved or even your wife.
She has a criminal past: this turns some people on, but scares others, especially if the girl was charged with serious charges. Don't forget this.

And that's not all. Some guys get to the bottom of the fact that the girl had 40 partners before him, while others cannot forgive that his wife once dated one. Yes, sometimes it’s worth looking at a girl from a slightly different angle after finding out her past, but often the problem is you. If you are satisfied with everything except the fact of what once was, then either there are no feelings, or you are just “freaking out.” Before you forget a girl's past, pay attention to these signals and respond correctly.

Advice from psychologists

Women love to rummage through their husband’s belongings, phone, and correspondence on social networks. As they say, “he who seeks will always find.” Psychologists advise not to deliberately look for reasons for jealousy. If the husband does not serve them, then why look for something that is not there? Instead, improve yourself, find a hobby so as not to suffer from nonsense.
Give your husband freedom of communication. Each person chooses his environment independently. Constant control will ultimately lead to the destruction of the family, and your husband will leave you.
If you are plagued by self-doubt, love yourself for who you are. But don’t forget to improve yourself. Eat right, play sports, read educational books. Then, over time, self-esteem will rise, and jealousy will go away by itself.
Look for only the positive in the world around you. Find a hobby you like, communicate with kind people. Eliminate from your environment rude and uncouth individuals, after communicating with whom you feel lost and empty. These are psychological vampires, they drink your energy to replenish their own. If you have a negative thought about your significant other, learn to change the negative to positive. Remember the pleasant moments that your husband gave and continues to give. Become the woman he fell in love with, stop being an “old grump.” Believe me, it doesn't make you look good.
To save your family, stop being jealous of your husband. Understand that love is trust and respect. And jealousy is a manifestation of aggression and possessiveness. You keep pace with your husband, so why ruin your journey together with destructive feelings? Love yourself, become a support for your husband, and then jealousy will go away.

Jealousy is an offensive feeling for a person. Stop insulting your husband with such behavior, trust and love him, and most importantly, value yourself.

Solution

Overcoming yourself is difficult, very difficult, but it is quite achievable. Many people go through this test, you can do it too. All you need is a systematic approach.

First, check out other people’s relationship stories and make sure that there is nothing special or key about what you elevate to some indescribable rank. People can suffer for years with “fate”, and then, by chance, find those. with whom you are truly happy.

Secondly, arrange an internal dialogue, think logically. If he is your destiny, then sooner or later you will get together anyway, so for now let him go and gain positive emotions and experiences with other people. Don't put chastity boundaries on yourself, it won't make you happy and won't bring him back.

Third, offset the positive with the negative. Every time you start thinking about your ex as someone incredible, remember the reason you broke up. Remember what horrors he allowed himself and how much pain he caused. Don't forgive him for this.

By destroying the ideal image of your ex, you will gain an understanding that he is far from an ideal, which you should not deprive yourself of. Take advantage of his sins and your pain, turn it against him, making your ex someone worth forgetting forever.

Reasons for being jealous of everyone

Many human emotions and actions are dictated by his instincts, which were formed by evolution for the purpose of survival, so jealousy is partly related to biological nature. The desire to keep a couple can be compared to ownership of territory.

In addition to this are added psychological reasons related to egocentrism and attachment.

Important ! The basis of jealousy lies in the fear of losing a lover and never meeting her again; moreover, separation can be a serious blow to self-esteem, because the girl has chosen someone better.

Main reasons for jealousy:

Diffidence. This may be facilitated by some complexes, flaws in appearance, financial insolvency, dislike in childhood, and so on.
Distrust of a partner, which may have objective and biased reasons caused by problems with one’s own psyche

The beauty of a girl that attracts the attention of many men.
Lack of communication and lack of harmony in it.
Behavior of the beloved (flirting with other men or a deliberate desire to arouse jealousy in order to gain attention, and so on).
Sexual dissatisfaction.

There are often cases when the relationship has already ended, but jealousy still remains.

Most likely this is due to the fact that somewhere inside there remains hope and a desire to resume communication with your ex after breaking up, and the feeling of ownership haunts you.

Another common type of jealousy is jealousy about your significant other's past. It arises from comparing oneself with the girl’s former love partners, the fear of being worse than them, and the fear of resuming contacts with the chosen one from the past.

Why feelings of jealousy arise are explained in the video:

Reason #2

Giving a special role to former relationships. Was your ex your first love? Did you lose your virginity with him? Did he propose to you? Did you consider him your family? Such people leave an imprint on our soul, they become special to us, because they radically changed the course of our lives.

Even after a breakup, you can't deny the special role your ex played in your story. Because of this, many women begin to perceive those relationships in a special way, elevating them to the rank of “unique,” “unforgettable,” “one that will never happen again.”

Whatever the reason for the separation, our subconscious may continue to insist that that person was our destiny, our destiny, you just met in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

Such thoughts lead to the fact that we simply cannot love a new partner, we cannot see a future together with him, because he is “not the one.” The worst thing is when the subconscious begins to play its game, rejecting even the best candidates for the role of the new love of life. It acts like a dog loyal to your ex, keeping his master's place.