If the title of the article caught your attention, we can assume that you are faced with the loss of a loved one - your mother. You are crushed and broken into small pieces. Or maybe, on the contrary, you arrive in an emotional stupor and feel nothing.
Be that as it may, our task is to give you the necessary information that will help you figure out what you need to do in such situations, and how, step by step, to survive all this, and return to everyday, but a new life in which it will no longer be yours moms.
To begin with, we want you to know that you are not alone in your grief, we are with you. We sincerely strive to help you process your loss so that you do not get stuck in one of the phases of grief.
In this article:
Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning Stage No. 2 Return to a new life Brief recommendations
Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning
Photo by Alex Green: Pexels
There is a concept called “extreme grief.” There is a synonymous concept “shock”. This condition is typical for the first time after the loss of a loved one. After the sad news has been received, it is very important not to be alone with yourself.
You should contact your relatives, friend, or good acquaintance as soon as possible. That is, those people who can provide support.
It may also be that the sad news befell you when you are in another city, or even another country.
In this case, it is also important that, at least via telephone or video call, you can contact those people who can provide support. They will listen and allow you to throw out all the pain from the loss.
Much important at the initial stage is the organization of the funeral. If you are not able, due to severe mental shock, to take care of it yourself, it is important to find those people from your environment who can help organize the funeral. They will take care of all organizational issues.
If you still take on the organizational issues, it is important to start by looking for a funeral agency and agreeing on the place and time of the funeral. Choose a place for the wake: if the budget is limited, the wake can be at home. In this case, it is important to cooperate with relatives or friends, who will bring what, and how they can help.
Be sure to call all those who must attend the funeral. Tell them the time and place.
- Important! At this stage, as a rule, the consciousness of the grieving person is scattered. He may forget information or get confused about it. Therefore, you need to write everything down so as not to disorient yourself.
It is important to consider whether there are small children in the family. Particular attention should be paid to how to tell them the sad news so as not to cause psychological trauma.
You should take into account how strongly the child was attached to his grandmother. If the connection was very strong and the loss will be just as shocking for the child, it is better to consider the option of someone who can sit with him during the funeral, and provide information about the death not directly, but like: “Grandma is now on the clouds and is now always watching us. She became our guardian angel."
How to cope with the death of your parents?
“Now I only have a husband”: Elizabeth's story
Elizabeth is 51 years old. She is married, but she and her husband never became parents - Elizabeth’s husband is infertile.
“We managed pretty well, but everything collapsed when I was 40 years old: within one year I lost both my parents,” the woman says. “Since then, I have felt heartbroken: after all, I no longer have blood relatives.” No brothers, no sisters, no nephews - I was the only child in the family.
When I turned fifty, I thought: “Well, now I will have more in common with friends and colleagues my age, their children have finally grown up!” But all their conversations turned to stories about grandchildren or aging parents. I can’t join in and say, “I know what you’re talking about!” All that remains is to remain silent and nod your head understandingly.”
“Being the antithesis of the sandwich generation is hard,” says Jodie Day. “I have worked with thousands of such women. And despite the fact that many of them have resigned themselves to their sad fate, most of all they would like to be heard and understood by society.”
Stage No. 2 Return to a new life
The funeral stage is over. Life is gradually returning to normal. Need to get back to work/school/everyday.
Again, special attention should be paid to the question: do you have children? If the answer is yes, it is important, at this moment, to remember that you are also a mother. You can, of course, delegate taking care of them to your husband or relatives, but, first of all, they need you. You need to become a support and support for each other.
If the answer is no, it is important for you to have someone nearby who can share your pain with you. He doesn’t necessarily have to say anything or look for words of reassurance. When a person sincerely sympathizes with you, it is enough that he simply listens.
You need to talk it out, cry. You can't suppress emotions. Otherwise, you risk driving them far into the subconscious. And this is fraught with the most unexpected and unpleasant consequences.
If it so happens that you are left alone and there are no people who can support you, it doesn’t matter. You can find them on the Internet. Contact a specialized psychological forum and describe all the pain of loss. Be sure to respond to those who have had the same thing. These people will understand you best. You will be able to feel their warmth and support.
- Briefly about the main thing
At this stage, it is important to gradually begin to return to normal life. Yes, it is different, but still it is your life, it is the most valuable thing that can be. It is important to give free rein to your emotions. Don't hold them back. Cry, even scream. Alternatively, you can go to the gym and hit a punching bag. That is, through the body, to release inner pain.
- Don't forget the tears. Now they will be your main assistants.
- Tears are emotional - they “wash away” pain. Crying is considered the most effective way to express emotions.
Again, consider the following:
- You may be surrounded by people who will not fully understand your pain of loss. They will start telling you general phrases like: “You shouldn’t grieve! Get a hold of yourself! You can’t cry so much!!” They, as it were, give you a ban on the outburst of emotions. They impose beliefs on how you should feel and behave.
This may be due to the fact that, first of all, your severe pain is transmitted to them. And they are not ready to share it with you. They become uncomfortable and uncomfortable. Therefore, they begin to instill in you this pattern of response. Try to avoid the company of such people.
Don't forget about physiology. The relationship between the influence of emotions on the development of somatic diseases has already been proven.
A person who is in a state of grief cannot relax due to muscle tension and tension. This condition leads to pressure surges, insomnia, and heart disease.
Start with relaxation. It would be ideal if you started going for a massage for a while. It relieves muscle tension. If this is not possible, try self-massage.
It is important not to forget nutrition - even if there is no appetite at all, then you need to eat at least a little. You need to maintain your body's strength. But you shouldn’t go to the other extreme - overeating, thus eating away your pain.
Don't forget about your sleep schedule. If you cannot cope with insomnia on your own, seek help from a specialist.
- It is important to record and work through basic feelings
You may feel guilty. It will seem that you didn’t put in enough effort, or paid little time, attention, care, or, in general, didn’t give something to your mother. And now I wish I could go back there and fix everything. And this thought, like a whip, will hit intensely and painfully.
It is very important to work through this feeling. If you realize that you can’t do it on your own, it’s better not to delay and contact a specialist.
- Remember!
There is the following classification of grief (it will be presented in free form):
- Shock - duration 1-3 days
- Cry - 1-9 days after death
- Depression - 40 days
- Mourning - up to a year
- Anniversary
Giphy
The state of mourning can last up to one and a half years. Then the intensity of feelings decreases significantly. There is a complete recovery and return to everyday life.
The fruits of maternal dislike
People with unloved child syndrome find it difficult to build relationships with a partner in adulthood. Anyone whose mother was cold and distant always doubts that he can be loved
. He does not feel interesting, so he is sure that others are also indifferent. Such people constantly demand proof of love from their loved ones.
tyronelaw.com
A person who was treated rudely, humiliated, and physically abused by his mother as a child finds it difficult to trust others
.
He may consider himself inferior
and undeserving of love.
He has a lot of anger
at people. According to Anna Khidiryan, adult children of aggressive mothers are often prone to violence because they do not know any other way to be in a relationship. Or, not wanting to be like their mother, they avoid aggression - and often find themselves in the position of a victim, unable to stand up for themselves.
huffpost.com
If the mother clearly prefers other children, the rejected child develops self-doubt
. Having become accustomed to competing for his mother’s attention or, conversely, having lost all hope of winning her favor, he will behave in a similar way with others in adult life. “Such a person, for example, will be sensitive to the fact that management is more favorable towards other employees. Therefore, he will either begin to curry favor or refuse healthy competition with colleagues,” says the psychologist.
People traumatized in childhood by maternal overprotection often end up in codependent relationships. They have not learned to separate themselves from others, so they do not understand their feelings and desires well.
. They are perplexed by the question: “Do I want this myself or was it imposed on me?”
flytothesky.ru
“For every young child, mother is a mirror
Therefore, it is extremely important that he receives an empathic response, love, and age-appropriate care.
Through the mother, the child understands what he is like, whether other people are friendly to him, how friendly the world is to him in general,” explains Anna Khidiryan.
If the mother did not give adequate feedback, he grows up hungry for love.
Human. In a partner, he is looking for a “mother” - someone who agrees to take care, protect, be affectionate and gentle, and constantly say: “I love you.”
It is difficult for unloved sons and daughters to build relationships “as equals.” They live in constant anxiety that they will stop loving them, betray them, or exchange them for someone more worthy.
. The most ordinary situation can cause great excitement. For example, the partner did not answer the phone call. A woman without a love deficit will think that her husband is busy at work and will try to contact him later or will calmly wait for him to call back. And a woman who was not saturated with her mother’s love in childhood will immediately be overwhelmed by panic (“He left me!”) or strong anger (“He must always be in touch!”).
wallbox.ru
Brief recommendations
Your mother has left this life. But she left bright memories. There is one wonderful poem:
You are a fool, death: you threaten people with Your bottomless emptiness, And we agreed that we will live beyond your line.
His message is that as long as we are alive, the memory of those who were dear to us is alive.
The following recommendations will help you process the pain of loss on your own.
Exercise “Letter Healing”
You can write your mother a short letter. In it, tell her how your affairs are going, what is happening in your life after her death. Write about what you learned about death. Tell your mom all your unspoken feelings. Tell her what she meant to you and how you dealt with her death.
Lena Mukhina, 17 years old
Lena was born on November 21, 1924 in Ufa; in the early 1930s she and her mother moved to Leningrad. There, her mother died, and Lena’s aunt, the ballerina of the Leningrad Maly Opera Theater Elena Bernatskaya, took custody of Lena, whom the girl later began to call her mother. Lena began keeping her diary on May 22, 1941. At first it looked like ordinary girlish notes, their tone was cheerful, their style was lively. But with the beginning of the war, and then the siege of Leningrad, the nature of the recordings changed. Lena began to openly describe the hardships of life in a besieged city: horror and hunger, constant bombing, tiny rations of bread and, finally, the death of the closest person. Here are a few lines from her diary:
“When I wake up in the morning, at first I can’t figure out that my mother really died. It seems that she is here, lying in her bed and will now wake up, and we will talk to her about how we will live after the war. But the terrible reality takes its toll. Mom's gone! Mom is no longer alive. Neither does Aki. I'm alone. It's just not clear! At times I get furious. I want to howl, squeal, bang my head against the wall, bite! How will I live without my mother? And the room is desolate, with more and more dust every day. I’ll probably soon turn into Plyushkin...”
Elena Bernatskaya died on February 7, 1942. Lena looked after her to the last, although she understood that her “mother’s” days were numbered:
“These last days, February 5, 6, 7, my mother almost didn’t talk to me at all. She lay with her head covered, very strict and demanding. When I threw myself on her chest with tears, she pushed me away: “You’re a fool for crying. Or you think I'm dying." - “No, mommy, no, you and I will go to the Volga again.” - “We’ll go to the Volga and bake pancakes. Come on, let's go potty with you. Come on, take off the blanket. Okay, now take off your left leg, now your right, great.” And I took my legs off the bed, when I only touched them, it’s terrible. I understood that my mother did not have long to live. The legs were like those of a doll, bones, and instead of muscles there were some rags. “Oops,” she said cheerfully, trying to get up herself. - Oh, come on, lift me up like this.
Yes, mom, you were a person with a strong spirit. Of course, you knew that you would die, but you didn’t consider it necessary to talk about it.”
At the beginning of June 1942, Lena Mukhina was evacuated to the city of Gorky. There she entered a factory school and studied to become a flour miller. Lena returned to Leningrad in the fall of 1945. She died in Moscow on August 5, 1991. She was 66 years old.
Lena Mukhina's siege diary is stored in the Central State Archives of Historical and Political Documents of St. Petersburg. In 2011, it was published with the assistance of historian Sergei Yarov.
How to help your father and husband cope with loss
If your mother has died, it is important to try to support other family members. A man may react differently to painful situations. Believe me, dad usually grieves no less than the children. But the reaction to pain is different; in most cases, there is a desire to retire. Your father may grieve and feel acutely about your mother’s death for 3-5 months, then it becomes easier. At this time, it is necessary to provide him with silent support.
You shouldn't try to entertain your father, but you shouldn't leave him alone either. It is important to be close, but to be understanding of his detachment. If he has a desire to talk, to remember his mother together, there is no need to ignore him. You need to behave the same way if your husband has lost his mother.
But silent support should not exclude the possibility of distracting the grieving person: you need to invite him to go outside and do something together.
Outside help has many sides:
- the grieving person must be limited from unnecessary communication (idle, useless);
- a person who is experiencing loss should not be left alone;
- The feelings of the grieving person should not be devalued, the desires must be respected, and you can distract your loved one when he feels that he is ready, you cannot put pressure on him or do something against his will.
First-person life stories that helped me cope with the death of my mother
I fell out of life for six months after my mother died, then everything was like a fog. They wanted to save me, but I just wanted to see her again. I remember my uncle helped. He just came to our house, took me by the hand and took me out for a walk. We walked in silence for several hours until we were exhausted. The next day I was already a little more alive, during that time some kind of reboot occurred in me.
Milena Rimskaya
Maria Lebedeva
I don’t remember my mother’s funeral; I lost her early – I wasn’t even 15 years old. I went to a psychologist, but my grandmother helped me - she brought me to the cemetery so that I could talk to my mother, see the grave, and say goodbye. It was hard, but at that moment I realized that life goes on, we have to live.
Surviving the death of a mother: faith and love will help
It will be a little easier for a religious person to return to life, because he knows that the Lord gives strength for any test, and death is the beginning of a new stage for a loved one. You can’t grieve or be too sad, which is a manifestation of selfishness. An abandoned child, even if he has already grown up (for parents, children are an eternal, unchanging status), can communicate with a clergyman. If you have a confessor, it will be even easier: you just need to come to church to start a conversation. You can simply pray, light a candle for your mother, order a funeral service. Often, even people far from religion begin to believe in God after difficult trials and losses.
