Unjustified expectations in relationships with oneself and others and resentment because of them

The syndrome of inflated expectations is a pathology in which a person experiences disappointment, anger, and develops complexes if something did not go according to the ideal plan in his head. Have you often idealized someone you just met, for example, and then were upset that he was not like that at all? People are not obliged to meet your expectations, because they may not even be aware that they have been entrusted with some kind of “ideal” mission.

Yes, when what you expect does not materialize, it causes discomfort. And not only for you personally. The consequences can also affect relationships. How do you know if you have such a pathology and whether you need to fight it?

In this article:

Symptoms of unmet expectations syndrome Consequences for a person Consequences for relationships How to calm high expectations

Symptoms of the syndrome of unjustified expectations

Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash
A person is constantly waiting for a reaction to some of his achievements. But these very achievements are understandable and necessary only to him. This is where indignation and resentment towards the whole world appears. How can that be? I worked so hard, but my neighbor gets a lot of money. I cook three times a day, the apartment sparkles, and I bring flowers to my friend, who watches TV series all day long.

By the following signs you can understand that you have been “covered” by this syndrome and it’s time to change something:

Sudden mood swings that depend on the behavior of loved ones, a partner or life surprises;

Persistent anxiety due to anticipation of the final result of your plans;
Hyper-concentration on work, which must show your heroic efforts, which are expected to be appreciated by superiors;
Rapid heartbeat and sleep disturbance due to being under constant stress because expectations do not match reality;
There was a need for total control over family and friends, an obsession with their lives and the need to manage it, a manic desire to give advice without sparing oneself.

There is a huge disadvantage of this behavior: you can lose everyone who is dear to you. Not everyone will be ready to change for the sake of another person and live, trying to meet his goals and expectations.

Training

Take something you plan to do in the future and think of it as:

I must do it;
I am forced to do this;
I can do it;
I am capable of doing this;
I would like to do this;
I will do it;
I'll probably do it;
I'll definitely do it.

Track what changes in the image of the situation, how your experiences change, what happens to the voice with which you say the phrase to yourself.

Consequences for humans

When you are waiting for something, your subconscious forms a specific result of events and life that is about to begin. This is human psychology.

Mentally, you put energy into this formed image and wait for everything to begin to come true. But there is absolutely no return from this. The more you think about your desire, the weaker you become.

It seems to you that if you really want something, it will definitely come true. It can work if it's all up to you. But if you expect other people to magically do everything for you, you will be disappointed. They may have their own ideas, goals and desires.

The worst consequence of high expectations is permanent stress. If you are too demanding of others, and they do not live up to what you expect, you begin to look at it as a betrayal.

As a result, you lose the opportunity to enjoy life, try to knock on “closed doors” and are constantly disappointed.

Unjustified expectations

You lose the ability to soberly assess your capabilities. You want to earn a lot, but you don’t do anything for it, you just suffer, worry and get disappointed again, complaining about injustice.

Such torment sooner or later leads to a severe form of depression.

Technique

This technique can be done both with situations in the past - there were expectations and were not met - and with the idea of the future - “it should be like this.”

Situation

This technique will be most suitable for working with “unjustified expectations”:

he should have done it, but didn’t;
she had to come on time;
this was the proposal he had to make to me;
I have to be a real man;
they had to do it well.

The more “rigid” our expectations, the greater the disappointment when they do not come true. In addition, our ideas about the certainty of an event determine our actions to create it - if the situation is “bound to happen,” why bother?

This is especially noticeable with demands on other people - they (he) “should” only in our heads and may not know anything at all about their duty. Or they may know, but not perceive it as a necessity. But if we rely on the predetermined nature of their actions, there is no point in us making any efforts to ensure that they act in accordance with our expectations - after all, they are obliged - and we feel anger, disappointment, etc. if they violate our expectations.

There is also an option for demands on the world: “this must be so,” “fate must be favorable this time.” Usually it leads to maximum disappointment - the world or fate hardly owes anything to anyone.

So, you can choose:

a situation in the past where your expectations were violated;
a situation in the future where you most likely have unjustified demands on yourself, the world or others;
constant unreasonable demands, such as: “they must respect me”, “the world must make me happy.”

Current attitude

Think about your expectation, imagine it sensory - in the form of images, sounds, feelings. Say a phrase that describes this expectation: “they must love me,” “she must take care of my health.”

Stretching

Try different modalities in relation to your expectation, for example: I would like, I have to, it would be good, they could, perhaps, for sure, they will. Notice how the sensory representation of the situation changes.

The best option

Select the most appropriate relationship option.

Environmental audit

Consider whether your new attitude will harm you. If problems are possible, go back to the previous step and choose a new relationship option.

Consequences for relationships

Women's expectations in relationships are often too high. There is even a joke in which he simply asked her to dance, and she already imagined herself in a white dress and how beautiful their children would be.

And he just asked her to dance.

This is pretty much how everything happens in life. And if a woman is already in a relationship, then she believes that the man must fully meet her requirements.

You can try in every possible way to change your partner to suit your goals and needs in order to become happy, but at the same time you completely do not take into account his criteria for happiness. Remember that you originally got together because it felt good for you and to make it last.

Of course, if you give all of yourself to your loved one, then you want a corresponding return. But you don’t need to immediately be offended by your lover if she’s not there. Talk to him: explain how you see happiness, what you expect, how you evaluate your relationship. Listen to his position as well. Perhaps he also has his own established image, which will require changes on your part.

The most important consequence of the reluctance to give up high expectations will be that the partner will not tolerate constant reproaches, dissatisfaction and attempts to “bend” him under himself. Maybe it's just enough for him to be next to you. This makes him happy. He may not be at all happy with the desire to constantly prove that he loves you. And especially if you impose methods invented for this.

If you love your partner more than he loves you, and are ready to make big sacrifices (quit your job, move to another city, break all ties with friends), then don’t expect your lover to respond with the same great feelings. It was completely your choice.

Through rose-colored glasses, you absolutely cannot see the real reasons why your relationship is not quite working out. First you begin to blame yourself, and then make demands on your lover. The result is logical: none of you are happy. And now your relationship will always be accompanied by showdowns, resentments, and clarification of who owes what to whom and owes what.

Men can't read minds. Therefore, in order to maintain a relationship, it is necessary to talk and find out what you both expect and what constitutes joint happiness.

Modality

Generally speaking, modality communicates attitude, evaluation. Three main groups can be distinguished:

about the channel for obtaining information : told, saw, felt, remembered;
about evaluating information : important, not necessary, annoying, admired;
about limits or boundaries : allowed, legal, exists, possible, impossible, capable.

To work with images of the future, the last two types will be more useful to us.

The assessment - important, necessary, good, bad, pleasing, delightful, disgusting, offensive - determines the attractiveness of the event for you, but has virtually no effect on the certainty of this very future.

Necessity - must, obliged, impossible, forced, necessary - increases the certainty of the future and makes it difficult to change.

Possibility - I can, I am able, I am not obliged, I should not - on the contrary, makes the future less certain and easily changeable.

The certainty will also be influenced by the probability of the event - definitely, definitely, of course, possibly, probably, unlikely, maybe. In NLP's most beloved model of information refinement, the metamodel, necessity is a harmful constraint. They work with him to find out the consequences of going beyond the restrictions, for example, you can ask the question: - What will happen if you do this?

What should parents remember?

The fear of not living up to the expectations placed on a person by others is a serious psychological problem. Many people find it easier to forget about their own desires and needs than to disappoint someone. And this leads to the loss of one’s own “I” and the inevitable development of depression. Anyone who is used to realizing other people's hopes will never be happy.

The roots of this fear are hidden in childhood. Parents who make a scandal, show their disappointment, scold their child for getting a “C” instead of an “A”, form a psychological complex. It is worth thinking carefully before punishing a child for unintentionally failing to live up to expectations.

The partner must stop communicating with the opposite sex

Sometimes partners are strongly required to stop any contact with people of the opposite sex. Sometimes demands reach the point of absurdity, for example, remove all women or men from friends on social networks or move to another job where the team is gender homogeneous. The logic here is: “You have already found your match, then why do you need to communicate with the opposite sex? And if you still want this, then you are looking for a replacement.”

Fortunately or unfortunately, unlike genders, of which there are several more, there are only two genders on Earth: male and female. And from childhood, a person builds relationships with representatives of both. It is quite strange to assume that he communicates with all people of the opposite sex solely out of intimate interest. There are, after all, family ties and job descriptions that make this necessary, and friendship has not been canceled.

If jealousy eats you up, then you need to fight it, and not with your partner’s environment.

The partner will definitely change

Thanks to your efforts, after the wedding or after the birth of a child - in any case, this is one of the most dangerous misconceptions that forces you not only to get involved in an initially failed relationship, but also to develop it without receiving any return.

Usually in the position of a person who is trying to change a partner, but in the meantime suffers and tolerates his shortcomings, there is a lot of sacrifice. It is common to feel sorry for such a person. But let's look at it from the other side: it turns out that he fell in love with the image in his head and is now trying to fit another one into it. Moreover, he believes that he has every right to do so. Doesn't sound very nice, does it?

The idea that to love means to accept a person with all their flaws is utopian. If something about it irritates you, you will periodically experience negative emotions about it. But already at the start, it is better to understand whether you can continue the relationship if your partner never changes.

It's not even that people don't change - that's what happens. But a person does this when he wants, and not always in the direction in which you expected.

Reality

When we shift our focus from external support to internal support, maturity is born in the relationship.
And only in this case do we stop attaching to a loved one the image of a savior and fulfiller of our desires. We begin to see him for who he is. Read more about this in the article From romance to love. Only those who do not need love from outside can truly love . But the path to yourself is not easy. To begin with, we will need greater awareness, which will allow us to see all the strategies and behavioral reactions built since childhood - all those patterns that make us act automatically.

In my training “The Sacrament of Life” I give basic techniques that allow you to become more conscious and mature. I’m also preparing a new course that will be devoted to unconscious trances, the topic of loneliness and truly close and deep relationships.

Share your expectations with your partner

This is a truly important moment, both for you and for your loved one. When you sincerely share your desires with your spouse. When you express your needs and desires before marriage, you give your partner the opportunity to decide whether he can meet your wants and needs or whether it will be too difficult for him. This is a must-do if you want to build a happy relationship with your loved one. As a result, this process will help both of you understand what is real or unreal in your relationship. You should also remember that expectations may change over time, so this should also be discussed with your spouse. And when each person understands his desires and expectations in marriage, this will definitely strengthen the relationship and create a strong foundation for a long family life.

Subscribe to our Telegram Did you like the article? Share on social media networks or leave a comment!

ShareTweet

The partner is obliged to provide sex upon request

This expectation even has a name - marital duty. And it is often used without any irony: if one of the couple wants sex, the other is supposedly obliged to provide intimacy. This topic has been discussed a lot lately, and it seems that many have realized that sex without consent is abuse, even if the participants are in a relationship.

However, the problem here is not only on the “customer” side. He may not know that his partner does not want sex, because the other party may have the same misconceptions in his head that prevent him from refusing.

Moreover, contrary to popular belief, this is not only a women's problem. The approved masculine image is the kind of male who thinks about sex 24/7 and simply cannot say no. Therefore, it is difficult to refuse a man, because otherwise he will cease to correspond to this image. Although in reality he may get tired, feel bad, and prefer more interesting things.

As a result, due to their own delusions, a person of any gender agrees to sex, heroically endures it, and then gets angry with his partner, although he has no idea what he did wrong. There is only one solution here - talk and see each other as people, and not objects to satisfy needs.

What could they be?

When a person considers whether or not it is necessary to meet the expectations of others, he usually forgets one nuance - he himself has certain hopes and expects something from other people. Accordingly, all of them can be divided into two large groups:

Own.
Strangers.

Your own can be directed not only at other people, but also at circumstances, phenomena and, in principle, anything you want. You can expect sunny weather and end up with rain. Or hope to receive a bonus, but instead be faced with having to pay a fine. That is, one’s own hopes can relate to any aspect of life, including people’s behavior or actions.

Aliens are characterized by only one direction. That is, these are situations in which other people expect certain actions or manifestations of emotions, behavioral characteristics from the person himself. The individual can justify them or not.

Thus, another division of expectations, both one's own and others', becomes apparent. They are divided into two types - justified and not.

If a person expects rain and takes an umbrella with him, but there is not a single cloud in the sky all day, this is his own unjustified expectation. In the case where the boss at work hopes for additional efforts made by the employee in his free time, and the employee stays late and completes the task, this is an example of how they can be justified.

He and she

An even more difficult case: the initial stage of a relationship between a man and a woman. A husband and wife can always agree, but a couple in love has a hard time when it comes to choosing a way to show their feelings. At the same time, girls have complaints much more often; they are more offended by the “carelessness” of the young man. Guys constantly fail to live up to the high expectations of their girlfriends, and this leads to disagreements and even tragedies.

Such high expectations include, for example:

If expectations are not met, then sensitive people are offended, i.e. fall into a state of passive aggression. Even if the “culprit” hurts himself, begging for forgiveness, this will not help. And a beautiful couple, who could make a happy family, separates at the very beginning of the relationship, due to unjustified expectations.

Reasons for expectations

The reason for expecting that another will fulfill our desires goes deep into our early childhood, namely at the moment when each of us felt a break with our mother. This division leaves

in the soul of every child there is a deep wound and a desire to return to a state of unity, a desire to once again merge with the mother into a single whole. And as long as this wound is not recognized, it continues to affect all our relationships.

We can spend our entire lives trying to find intimacy and fusion with another person. The wound of separation causes us to expect the impossible from a loving relationship. When we enter into a relationship, we hope that the other will save us from loneliness.

Every time we feel pain, resentment or anger, it signals unfulfilled expectations. Very often we blame another for our loneliness and begin to experience explicit or implicit resentment and aggression. This is especially evident in the feminine essence.

Moreover, when another does not meet our expectations, we unconsciously begin to use various strategies and manipulations. Instead of realizing that the cause of the pain is in us , we naively begin to blame our love partner and demand changes from him.

Don't accept other people's expectations

Think about whether the high expectations are really your own. Often they can be a consequence of the influence of our social environment on us.

We may go to a restaurant or watch a movie based on our friends' recommendations. If the feedback was definitely positive, we will have appropriate expectations. To lower your expectations, consider whether you personally like the food at the recommended restaurant or the genre of movie you were asked to watch.

Try not to allow yourself to believe in something just because your friends and people around you believe in it. They can't predict the results any more than you can.

Examples of realistic expectations in marriage

You know that marriage requires relationship work, love and commitment to each other;
You understand that to create a happy relationship you must trust, understand and respect your partner;
You expect that there may be disagreements between you and your partner will not always agree with you;
You know that you will have to work hard and help your loved one provide for their family;
You understand that your spouse should not be your only source of happiness;
You realize that each person may have different views on a given situation. Be it finances, parenting, politics, religion and more;
You understand that conflicts may arise between you, and you both will have to work to resolve them;
You understand that you will not always be able to find a common language with your loved one’s relatives;
You realize that your spouse can make mistakes in family life, just like you.

Partners spend all their time together

A famous joke says that the family replaces everything, so you need to decide what is more important: everything or the family. And in life, some people in serious relationships want their partners to spend all their time with them.

And it doesn’t look like this: “You’re into sword fighting and macrame weaving. I’ll try to get involved in this too, so that we can go to classes together.” Usually it happens the other way around: “I’m not interested in sword fighting or macramé, so you won’t do that anymore.” As a result, the partners sit on the sofa in front of the TV, and the only common activity they have is food. They lost their personal interests, but did not acquire common ones.

Relationships should become a part of life, not replace it. So nothing criminal will happen if you don’t spend all your free time together. Quality is more important than quantity here.

Your partner will never let you down

Trust is an important thing in a relationship. And it’s completely normal to hope that your partner always acts in the common interests and you can always count on him. But sometimes he will make mistakes. This does not happen because he is bad or does not love you. He's just not a robot, but an ordinary person. Sometimes he will put himself first, show weakness, experience stress, and hesitate in making decisions. And you too, by the way.

Errors vary in scale. Some of them suggest that you need to remember your partner's human nature and support him. Regarding others, you will have to make a decision: to forgive or not. But in any case, you shouldn’t demand that your chosen one be perfect.

Remind yourself that you can't always influence the outcome.

Hard work and high expectations, unfortunately, do not necessarily mean good results. Do everything in your power to achieve your goal, but realize that you can't control or influence everything.

The key mental switch to make is to separate cause and effect.

For example, you may express your feelings to another person with the expectation that they feel the same way about you and want to be with you. But the cause (showing feelings) may not have anything to do with the effect (that he wants to be with you) if he doesn't actually feel the same emotions for you.

Therefore, you should not raise your expectations - you need to leave room for what may not go according to plan, and think through how to deal with it.